My Waxing Horror Story

Rock Star and I went to get our nails done not too long ago. I like the gel manicure because my nails don’t break as easily when I get that, as opposed to the regular manicure. I offer up this delicious tidbit about my personal life because for those of you who have never had a gel manicure you might not know that in order to get the polish off they put little pieces of cotton soaked in acetone on your nail and then wrap the nail in little foils. You then sit there for anywhere from 5-15 minutes as the acetone goes to work softening up and dissolving the gel polish so they can scrape it off and you can start all over again. This is very important information for this story.

My daughter was off in one section and I was in another. The woman, a slightly older lady, wrapped my nails and gives me the once over after she’s done.

“You want your eyebrows waxed?” she asks me.

I think about this. I have two overriding thoughts. #1- It seems that it would be painful. #2- My daughter is always getting on me about shaping my eyebrows because they frame the face, whatever that means. Thank you, YouTube, for all the wonderful make-up tutorials you offer and that my child has memorized and emulated. I consider the fact that I don’t like to tweeze because I find it painful and I figure that at least waxing would be over quickly. I have nothing better to do while I wait so I shrug and tell her, “Okay.”

She continues to look me over. Tilts my head just so. “We’ll need to do your chin, too.”

Yep, thanks to menopause I do have a slight beard. I try to shave it off but sometimes I apparently miss and the nice Asian lady is kind enough to point it out. Again, at least it will be gone and hopefully waxing will hold it at bay longer than the tiny little shaver I have.

She leads me back to a little room. I lay down. I’m a little nervous because I’m pretty sure this is going to hurt and I can’t believe I’m actually going to pay someone to torture me.

She gets right to work, spreading the wax on a little area between my eyebrows. I thought I didn’t have a unibrow. She has other ideas.

Dab, dab with the wax. Press that cloth or whatever it is up against the skin, smooth it out. Then rip! Well, that wasn’t too bad. I wonder if that’s all there is to it? I just needed that little section removed and now my eyebrows look great.

No. Now she’s going to shape the eyebrows. First on the left side. Dab, dab. Press. Rip!

Ow! That was a little more tender. It’s okay. I can handle this. I am not a big baby.

She goes to the right side. Dab, dab. Press and smooth. Rip! Holy shit! What the fuck was that? The right side of my face is apparently a hell of a lot more tender than the left. Who knew? We’re done now, right?

Nope! Now she’s moving to the Holy Grail of hair removal- the menopause induced beard! I can feel it as she spreads the wax all around. This time it’s a large piece of cloth. She’s not doing this in small chunks. She’s covering the whole neck and taking it all off at once.

This is going to hurt.

I was not wrong. Tears came to my eyes.

“Sorry,” she says to me.

She does not stop. She moves on to my chin. Rips all the hairs out of it. I have a scar on my face from a dog bite years ago. The hairs really like to grow in there. They’re very blonde and they’re very pointy. She gets in the crease and rips those suckers out. Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus! What the hell have I gotten myself into? She is not going to let me out of this room until she’s done with me.

The next thing I know she has put a tiny bit of the cloth inside my nose and proceeds to rip out nose hairs I didn’t even know I had! But only on one side. I guess the other side of my nose was bald.

She examines me and tells me I’ve got some more hairs she’d like to remove, right along my jaw bone and near the hairline. I guess peach fuzz is not attractive on a woman.

I submit to yet another round of torture. The left side once again did not hurt quite as much as the right side.

My memories are hazy because of the pain but I’m pretty certain she waxed bare areas of my skin and told me she was removing blackheads that way.

Then, when I finally think I’m done she goes to town on me with tweezers! Are you shitting me? I went through this medieval torture to avoid tweezers! There she is, plucking fine chin hairs and stubborn facial hair (which, btw, is never a sentence that should be uttered about a woman).

When it was finally over she put what was supposed to be some soothing lotion or facial cream on my face. I went back to the chair with my face red yet smooth. Turns out Rock Star, she of the “You need to get your eyebrows done; they frame the face!” fame, didn’t even notice I had gotten my damn face waxed!

I can tell you this much. The next time I go, if that lady asks me if I need a Brazilian I am running out of there!

5 thoughts on “My Waxing Horror Story

  1. Woman – I have had that part of my anatomy waxed. Let me just say – never again – not even if the hottest richest man on earth was going to fall madly in love with me forever if only. Nope not gonna happen!

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  2. My hair stylist also does facial waxing. So I get mine done with her. But damn, the eyebrows hurt so freaking much. Something about the coarser the hair, the more it hurts? I’m usually whimpering in the chair at this point so the explanation goes in one ear and out the other…

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