This other board that I read has been unusually slow but one single thread keeps giving me material.
In the same thread as the one where they were talking about taking care of their cheating terminally ill spouse the same poster who said she would “choose compassion” made a remark to another poster about her being “privileged to be able to choose monogamy.”
You have to understand her husband is a fighter pilot who has been stationed all over the world; they’ve been separated for several years at a time. Apparently there was no leave for him. So they agreed to an open marriage. Shockingly, he broke their agreed upon rules. She then decided an open marriage was no longer a viable option. Shockingly, he outright cheated. Also shockingly, she prefers to call his cheating “a flawed human being who was seeking to get his needs met.” I prefer entitled, cheating asshole but eh, whatever. You say po-ta-to; I say po-tah-to.
I’m shaking my head in disbelief at this entire exchange. People are privileged to be able to choose monogamy? Bullshit!
It’s not privilege; it’s having boundaries. The way I see it she made choices all along the way. She knew what her husband was, what he did for a living. She was in the military at one point as well. She knew getting involved with another service member might mean long periods away from each other. She could have chosen to not get involved with such a person. She could have decided that two competing careers like that, with long periods of separation, wasn’t something she was interested in. But she didn’t. She chose a fighter pilot. No one forced her to do it. She wasn’t trafficked. She didn’t get tricked. She knew what a relationship between two people in the service was going to mean. She even knew what it would mean if one of them got out. You would still be dealing with deployments.
She also chose to open her marriage. I would be willing to bet that there are hundreds of thousands of spouses of military members who fully expect their spouse to be faithful to them even if they are not able to fuck them daily. They do not all say, “Well shucks! Since you’re several thousand miles away from me I may as well let you nail anything that moves. Have fun!” That was the choice she made.
She could have just as easily enforced boundaries. “No, I don’t care that you haven’t had sex in eight months. I expect fidelity in my relationship. If that’s too much to ask from you then we need to end this and you need to find a partner more compatible.” Instead she decided it was way too much to expect him to be faithful to her so she gave him permission to have sex with other women.
Seriously! Is it too much to expect him to use his damn hand? And no matter how much people try to insist that sex is a need no one has ever died from not getting laid. If you absolutely needed to have sex there would be no nuns. I would have died shortly after getting divorced.
No, what happened was she knew he was a cocky, entitled, good looking guy that attracted a lot of women. She figured by opening it up she could head off the cheating at the pass. Only it never works that way with cocky, entitled people. Rules are for other people. They’re too splendid to be bound by rules. She let him run all over whatever boundaries she may have had and then tries to spin that as “she wasn’t privileged to be able to choose monogamy.”
You are always able to choose monogamy. She just didn’t want to insist on it because she was afraid he wouldn’t agree to it. Or, she just figured he was going to cheat anyway so if she gave him permission it wouldn’t be cheating and their relationship could remain wonderful.
Having a monogamous relationship is not a privilege. For most people it is an expectation. I’m not saying that just because you expect it your partner won’t lie to you and lead you to believe they, too, want monogamy while they’re nailing anything that moves. But they do that knowing it’s a deal breaker and that their actions could very well lead to the end of their relationship.
I’m not saying that everyone has to choose monogamy. I know there are people out there who don’t. If it works for you, good for you. I do, however, draw the line at anyone who gives their spouse permission to have sex with others and then sadly proclaims that monogamy is a privilege that not everyone enjoys, rather than expressing their needs and enforcing their boundaries.