Opinions Wanted

This is going to be an interesting post to write. Before I begin I want everyone to know that this post was the mobster’s idea. He wanted me to write it. Thought it would be good to get other people’s opinions. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

The mobster’s son got married on Saturday. Those of you who have been reading for a while may remember that I removed myself from the situation back in February or March. For those of you who are new here is the backstory.

Basically, he and the mobster were talking about the wedding and his son told him that he and his fiancee were still trying to decide if they were going to give both of his parents a plus one, or if neither one would receive one. He also made mention of the fact that they had arranged with other guests to remove people who got out of line.

I let the mobster know that he could tell his son he needn’t worry about my presence. I would not be attending. It was Rock Star’s senior year and vacation was in short supply. I decided I was not going to stress over keeping a day open for a wedding where I was clearly not wanted. I was also smart enough to know that if Batshit Crazy showed her ass it would undoubtedly be blamed on me and the fact that I was there. I opted not to attend so the happy couple did not have to worry about anything spoiling their wedding. With me not there there should have been no awkwardness, no fights breaking out, no angry words, etc.

I did have a moment of weakness in late September and asked the mobster if it was too late to change my mind. He had been telling me for months that it wasn’t too late and I could still go, despite the fact that he hadn’t spoken to his son about it. I asked him on a Sunday and the very next day my mom called me at work to tell me she had bought Garth Brooks’ tickets for us. I then had to tell him that I would be sticking with the original plan and wouldn’t be going to the wedding.

Everyone following so far? Excellent. Fast forward to the week of the wedding.

Tuesday his oldest son flies into town for the wedding along with his girlfriend and his son. I know that this is going to mean the mobster and I won’t be spending much time talking because he will be busy with his kids and grandson. There was lots of quality time spent with his three sons, their girlfriends, his daughter and his grandson. Through this quality time he finally learned that his STBX was indeed invited to the wedding (there was a point where the bride and groom were upset enough at her stealing T’s television and then damaging it that they weren’t going to invite her). I don’t think he ever found out whether or not her AP was invited, despite the fact that I was not going. He also began learning about things they had planned for the wedding, like the unity ceremony.

Wednesday she answers his divorce petition by asking that it be thrown out and her own counter suit for divorce be granted. She accused him of physically and mentally abusing her, and followed that up with claiming he had tossed all of her things into a garbage bag and told her to “Take her shit and get out!” while she begged him to let her stay because she had nowhere to go.

Thursday he tells me that he has told everyone involved in running the wedding that he is willing to go up and do this unity ceremony with her. C and C wanted her siblings and his siblings to dump a vial of dirt into a planter, and then her parents and his parents to do the same, followed by them. He agreed to do so although he told them he didn’t want to walk arm and arm with her and didn’t want to hold her hand while they dumped the dirt. He also told them he didn’t want to escort her to her seat.

I am perfectly fine with this. They are both his parents. Walk up, she dumps dirt, he dumps dirt, they return to their seats.

Friday evening he calls me after the rehearsal dinner. He tells me he has agreed to escort her to her seat. He will walk her across a bridge, stop for a minute so the photographer can take pictures of the groom’s happy parents, and then apparently go on up to do the unity ceremony. He has also agreed to have both of them use a single vial of dirt and both dump it into the planter together. They sat together in the same pew and were seated together for dinner- him, his parents, their daughter, her, and her parents. I later find out that he didn’t “escort” her across the bridge and to her seat. They held hands as they walked.

Important to note is that the bride’s mother had a contingency plan in place if he refused to do any of the above. She had a fifth vial for dirt so they could each have their own. Her husband was going to escort the groom’s mother to her seat.

Also important to note is that neither the bride nor the groom actually told him what they wanted him to do. He admitted later maybe he should have asked them if any of this was important to them.

Still following? Great, because this is where you and your opinion comes into play.

I was absolutely furious. I told him I felt like he was playing happily married couple and I had been completely disrespected and dismissed. I asked him what the hell he would have done if I had attended the wedding, and let him know I would have been beyond humiliated had I been there. The bottom line for me was that I felt like they were presenting themselves as a couple and it was inappropriate. He’s the father. She’s the mother. They do not need to be walking hand in hand and posing for pictures together when they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. If you bother to google where to seat divorced parents you come up with multiple options, all which are a much better plan than the one the dipshit wedding planner managed.

He was gobsmacked by my anger. He said he did what he did for his son and he had no regrets. He has no desire to get back together with his wife. He was not playing happily married couple and it was actually a very awkward situation for him. He didn’t want to be around her; he didn’t talk to her aside from replying, “Fine,” when asked how he was. He believes this was simply a transition time what with them not divorced yet and that I won’t ever have to deal with this again because none of the other kids would ask him to do anything like that. He thinks I go to extremes and came up with outlandish examples, i.e. If they wanted you to renew your vows with them would you do that? If they wanted you to fuck her on the altar to show you’re a happily married couple, would you? If they wanted you two to pose together, all comfy and cozy, and coo over a new baby along with them and her parents, would you? What if they wanted you to dance together? What if they wanted you to honeymoon with them; would you do that, too?

Yes, I know. I can get outlandish. I was simply trying to establish where the line in the sand is for him. No, I don’t necessarily see any of the above happening. However, to me that’s not the point. The point is what would he do if it were asked of him? He’s not saying he wouldn’t do it again. He’s saying that none of the others would ask.

The bottom line is he doesn’t think there was anything wrong with walking hand in hand with his STBX, posing for pictures with her, pretending to be a happy couple for the sake of his son. In fact, he says that wasn’t what he was doing at all. Remember, it was very awkward. He also says it’s not about me or us or even her. It’s all about the newly married couple. He did what he did to keep the peace and make the wedding planner happy. As someone who agreed with him asked, “Why is she upset because you walked with the mother of your son?”

I, on the other hand, feel like I didn’t exist that day in order for the wedding to look picture perfect. Divorced people spoil so much. I guess I don’t understand it because as I told him, “I would never in a million years walk hand in hand with CF. Not because I’m a terrible mother who doesn’t care about her daughter (or son, as the case may be), but because we’re not a couple and I would never do that to you.” Also, he’s done horrible things to me and I don’t want him touching me. My kid getting married doesn’t erase all the shitty things he did.

The best explanation I’ve heard is this: I can understand his point of view. He wants to be a good dad and do right by his son. But in doing that he did something very intimate with another person who wasn’t his partner.

At one point he suggested that I was jealous of her and that was the root of the problem. I told him I had no worries about him leaving me to go be with her. I trust him; I trust what we have. And honestly? If he wants to give it another shot with the alcoholic, lying cheater, I can’t stop him. I also know he would regret it in no time. And no, I would not be willing to give him a second chance once he realized he fucked up.

She, on the other hand, I pointed out to him, is batshit crazy and who the hell knows how she will interpret the events? And wouldn’t you know, she ended up calling him this week. She’s blocked so he only got a notification and she didn’t manage to make contact but she attempted it. He thinks maybe she called to talk about the divorce but ultimately says he doesn’t care why she called; he just wants to be divorced from her. I think she called because she thinks they’re back together. Or she thinks he’s at least willing to consider fooling around with her behind her AP’s back.

Right now we are pretty much at an “agree to disagree” truce. I’m not sure he will ever understand how I feel, and why I feel it, although he did say had I been there he might not have agreed to do pretty much everything he did. To be fair, I don’t understand why he made the choices he did, although I comprehend the words, “I did it for my kid.” As I said above, I would never make those same choices so it’s hard for me to understand why he did.

He said he wondered how others would feel and suggested I write this post to see what your thoughts are. He thought it would be a step up from, and an improvement over my post entitled, “Happy International Fake Happy Couple Day” which I wrote in a fit of anger. I thought long and hard before hitting “Publish” and I probably should have thought some more because it was mean and uncalled for. I took it down and I have apologized sincerely to him. I felt it was important to mention that post though because it explains why he suggested I write this one. I didn’t want people wondering why on earth we’re asking the blogosphere to moderate our disagreements, or thinking that he’s just leaving it up to all of you.

So… how about it? How do you think it should have played out? Is it rational to expect a couple in the middle of a nasty, drawn out divorce to walk arm in arm, or hand in hand, down the aisle together? Pose for pictures together as an intact, happily married couple? Sit next to each other during the wedding? Be seated together at dinner? Would you do it? Would you want your partner to do it?

Am I overreacting? Is he totally oblivious? Am I a green eyed jealous monster? Would you have thought it was no big deal? Would you have been angry and upset in my shoes? Should he have said, “No, I’m not holding hands with my STBX; she just accused me of abusing her.” Or, is he just a really great dad who is willing to do whatever it takes to make his kid’s big day special?

Head Exploding, Part 2

I don’t think my head would have exploded had the author quit at this idea you can do divorce well and have a wonderful life post divorce with you being best buds and new kind of family with the ex.

But no, she has to go on and say this:

I do also understand not all divorces are wrapped up in a nice neat bow. Infidelity and lies do lead to harsh feelings – but even then, if we can take a step back and try to see the other human being as just that – a human being, and take our egos out of the equation then it’s possible to overcome this too. Stop asking, how could they do this to US? Why did he/she do that to ME? And instead understand that infidelity is less about us and more about them and their way of trying to figure out how to fill their own voids. We don’t have to agree with their decisions and we’re allowed to feel hurt but then at some point we need to brush ourselves off and make progress towards a better life and own OUR happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy. And not just happy on the terms that WE’VE given them. They need to find their own way, their own path. If it doesn’t include you then that’s ok. If their decisions bring them down the wrong path, that is their cross to bear. Not yours or your children’s. Your strength will get you through any hardships associated with their bad decisions and that strength will trickle down to your children as well. Your happiness has always been within you anyway.

I. Can’t. Even.  Really? Take a step back and try to see the other human being as just that? How about no? How about instead of seeing them as just human I see him as the manipulative, conning liar and cheater that he is? Why encourage people to open themselves up for more abuse? This is the problem. When we see monsters these days we are told they are not really monsters. Why lie to us like that? Why encourage us to lie to ourselves?

My life was napalmed. This wasn’t some small, innocuous thing. It was the systematic dismantling of my life as I knew it. My children suffered as well. They lost everything they knew and then once they finally began to get their footing he pulled the rug out from underneath them all over again. Harsh feelings doesn’t even begin to cover what I felt towards that bastard.

Sweetie, I assure you, my ego is not the problem. The problem is that I married and bred with a liar. My children’s father is a perpetual victim despite the devastation he has caused- both to me and my children.

By my ego I assume you mean my anger or my outrage. We can’t have any of that, can we? How can we possibly sell cheating and divorce as a good thing when people appear to be so angry over it? We can’t have the cheating spouse feel bad about themselves. If you would just please eat the shit sundae, stuff all of your feelings way down deep, and smile real pretty, this could be a real swell ride for you!

It’s all psycho-babble bullshit meant to ease the guilty conscience of a cheater. She paints it as some existential crisis: Stop asking how could they do this to US? Why did he/she do that to ME? And instead understand that infidelity is less about us and more about them and their way of trying to figure out how to fill their own voids.

Are you kidding me? If the cheater in my life didn’t do this to ME and to US and to OUR KIDS then who exactly did he cheat on and whose lives did he impact with his selfish behavior? I assure you that when he told me not to worry if I saw a wire on our bank records because he was sending his mom money for groceries that he most definitely was lying to ME and affecting ME. When he let me coach him to be able to drive to go meet up with his whore he most definitely was doing something shitty TO ME. When he lied about where he was going and tried to get me to send him naked pictures while he was with her that was something done TO ME. When he siphoned off over half of his paycheck and put it into an account with Harley so that she and her kids could have whatever her evil, shriveled little heart wanted, forcing my kids to have to do without, he did that TO US. Every shitty move he made affected us and was purposefully done to inflict the most damage.

Oh, but ignore that and focus instead on the fact that they were fucking strange because they needed to fill their own voids. Even though your life may have been gutted and irreparably damaged please try to remember this isn’t about you. It’s about the cheater’s journey of self-discovery. God forbid someone suggest yoga, or meditation, or journaling. Hell, maybe try a therapy dog. But don’t cheat on your spouse and then try to excuse it by calling it self-discovery. The only thing being discovered is that you’re a selfish, entitled asshole.

We don’t have to agree with their decisions and we’re allowed to feel hurt but then at some point we need to brush ourselves off and make progress towards a better life and own OUR happiness. 

Bless her Pollyanna-esque heart! I wonder if she has a timeline? Month 1- vomit, be unable to eat or sleep, lose twenty-five pounds, cry every day. Month 2- Resume old life, cry only once or twice a week. Month 3- Decide that this new life, sans life partner is absolutely terrific. Start telling everyone that your spouse’s affair was the best thing that ever happened to you and how you are so fortunate to be given this unique chance to start your life over completely from scratch. Month 4- Can’t even remember you were once married.

Thanks so much for giving all of us cheated on people permission to disagree with our partner’s choice to fuck another person and for allowing us to feel hurt for a moment. We sure do appreciate it.

I even understand, to a certain degree, what this author is trying to say. Yes, divorce sucks but we all have the power to make a new and better life. Well, at least a new life. I suppose better is in the eye of the beholder. And yes, we shouldn’t spend the rest of our lives reliving what happened and wishing it was all some nightmare we could wake from. But that doesn’t mean we need to forgive the person who gutted us, who betrayed us in the most intimate way. Getting on with our lives is not synonymous with forgiving or even getting along with the ex.

Everyone deserves to be happy. And not just happy on the terms that WE’VE given them. They need to find their own way, their own path. If it doesn’t include you then that’s ok.

I’m going to call a big load of bullshit on that one. No one deserves to be happy at another person’s expense. Period. And that is what cheating is. If you were to take a gander at Harley’s Facebook page she talks nonstop about how happy she is. She is happier than a pig in shit that she managed to snag her married man. Yep, she’s the luckiest gal in the world. Her brand new husband left his wife of twenty years and deserted his two children to be with her. What a prize! She is ecstatic! Over the moon! Everyone tells her she deserves it. She deserved another woman’s husband. His children deserved to be deserted so that they could live happily ever after.

That also seemed to be the overriding theme in CF’s life with his mom and sister telling him he deserved to be happy. Hell, his mom encouraged Harley to call him because he seemed so sad and miserable. Now he’s supposed to be happy. He’s turned his kids’ lives upside down. He’s pretty much turned his back on them. He put me through hell. But hey- he had a right to happiness no matter who suffered! Am I right?

Here’s the thing: I believe people do deserve to be happy. I also believe they have every right to decide you don’t make them happy. Furthermore, I believe and accept that they are free to end the relationship. Here’s the other thing: You do that shit before you go looking for another warm body. No one has the right to destroy another human being due to their selfish behavior in search of “happiness”. If you’re unhappy get out. Don’t waste your partner’s life while you search for love.

Sadly, I think the author is woefully misguided when she chimes in with: If their decisions bring them down the wrong path, that is their cross to bear. Not yours or your children’s.

CF’s decisions did end up being my cross to bear. It ended up being my children’s cross to bear. His decisions had far reaching consequences for us. We lost our home. We were forced to move 600 miles away. I lost almost everything I had ever owned in my life. It’s magical thinking to tell betrayed spouses that it’s not their cross to bear. There is almost no way that can be true. Actions have consequences and often those consequences are far reaching.

She ends with more psycho-babble: Your strength will get you through any hardships associated with their bad decisions and that strength will trickle down to your children as well. Your happiness has always been within you anyway.

That’s just another way of saying, “Play nice. Let bygones be bygones. Eat shit and smile pretty. Let’s all forgive and forget and be best friends once again.”

You know what? My strength did get me through the hell I lived in for over two years. I still remember that long period of time where I just wanted to lay down and die; I felt no joy, no happiness. I had no hope. My kids did see me as a kickass role model; I’d like to think my strength has trickled down to them. I’m happier now than I ever was with him, so yes, it has always been within me.

That doesn’t change the fact that none of this should have been done to me, or my kids. So no, there will be no playing nicely with the person who cheated. He might be a human being but he’s a shitty one. I do not forgive and forget. His happiness was not more important than mine or our kids’. Start telling that story instead of trying to package adultery up in a beautiful box with a great big bow.

 

Head Exploding, Part 1

I think the title says it all. I was reading a new blog called Best Divorce Ever, Happily Ever Divorced. It’s a newish blog with only two posts. I think it may no longer be active.

The author is one of those that believes divorce doesn’t have to be an awful thing. That’s fine. I can get behind that in certain cases. You both decide the marriage isn’t working. There are no lies, no deception, no financial shenanigans. She advocates for “divorcing well”, which sounds all well and good, but I don’t think most people divorce well. It hurts like a bitch even when you haven’t been cheated on and discarded, and when you put that dynamic into play it gets even worse.

We have the obligatory “let’s look at this as a restructuring of the family, an extended family”, to which I pretty much always say, “Let’s not.”

Seriously, I think part of the problem is everyone wants to wrap divorce up in a neat and tidy little bow. It’s not tearing a family apart; it’s creating a larger family with more people to love the children! You haven’t lost a partner; you’re developing a different kind of love, a more mature love rooted in your past which grows stronger with cooperation. Seriously?

No, divorce ends a family. Period. Mommy and Daddy may go on to find new life partners and have more babies with the new and improved version of a spouse, but those kids are now straddling two different families. In probably 99% of the situations they aren’t going to celebrate Christmas or go on vacations with both of their parents and all of their siblings. It will be a constant round of spending part of their time with one family and part of it with another. No matter how well the parents get along it will never change the fact that they now have two homes- or one home, and one place they visit.

That’s assuming that everything goes splendidly- the kids like both of the new spouses, there is no favoritism towards the kids that live full-time with the parents and no biases towards the stepkids, all pre-existing kids get along, all the adults get along and agree on everything. What are the chances of that happening? It’s hard enough to get the two adults that created these kids to agree on everything and now we’re believing that FOUR adults are all going to come to a consensus? And that none of the kids are going to get shafted!

Holidays? That ought to be fun. If you thought trying to make it to each other’s parents’ homes while still carving out time for your family was a Herculean effort, now try adding two more families to the mix. I’m sure that all of them will be super understanding about having to rearrange holidays plans to accommodate your new spouse’s ex-husband’s schedule.

I’m not saying it’s impossible, or that certain accommodations couldn’t be made if all were willing. I am saying that it’s not as easy as most people who spout this kind of crap make it out to be. If you’ve ever tried to plan an extended family vacation you know how difficult it is to coordinate schedules of many busy adults. Those are people that you hopefully like and want to spend time with. Now imagine trying to do that when you don’t know half of the players. Plus, how do you ever come up with your own family traditions if you are so busy trying to include everyone you’ve ever known?

Being married should mean that you have each other’s backs. It’s being a family and working for the greater good of the family. You don’t have that when you divorce. Your allegiance is now to the new spouse. If we’re being honest, for most non-custodial parents the allegiance is also to the children living full-time with him or her.

You can’t have your ex-spouse’s back when you’re married to someone else. How would that impact your marriage if you and your ex were in agreement together while your current spouse was the odd man out?

I’ll go one further. I don’t think most people want to spend a great deal of time with the current partner’s ex. I know I have no desire to spend holidays with the mobster’s ex. I do not want to vacation with her. I do not even want to double date. I want to do those things even less with my own ex and Harley.

I will once again go on the record as to say that I am not discouraging people to work with their ex if they already have an amicable situation. I don’t encourage it if your ex is a selfish asshole but that’s a whole other post. I’m not knocking people who have a cordial or even great relationship post divorce. I’m not discouraging cooperation or both parents showing up. I will say, and in fact have said, that your ex is probably not the best person to include in your support system.

I think what it all comes down to is that this is something that sounds very nice in theory, but it rarely works out that way in reality.

I know what you must be thinking. “Why not, Sam?” I know; it sounds so pessimistic and uncharitable. Let me hit you with some truths.

First, it’s not uncommon for one parent to move, especially if they are non-custodial, once they remarry. I’m not talking about once the kids are out of high school, off to college, off living their own lives. No, I’m talking still in school. Young. Need rides to school. Need rides everywhere. Need help with homework. Need constant supervision. It doesn’t matter. Love has spoken and they must heed its siren’s call. Off they go. Sometimes it’s only across town. Sometimes it’s only an hour or two. Other times it’s 4-6 hours, or clear across the country.

Second, it’s not uncommon for the new partner to put the kibosh on him helping you out. That was something that used to be discussed quite regularly on the other board I read. If a man is caught between two women who want competing things he’s almost always going to choose to piss off the woman he is not sleeping with. So, if you used to be able to depend upon the ex to pick up Sabrina if you were running late at work, or take her to the doctor’s if you couldn’t get away from work, and now the ex has remarried you might find yourself in a pickle. Imagine he’s married a woman who has two kids of her own, and he is a devoted stepfather to them, and they also go on to have a baby together.  What do you think the chances are that he will still be willing to drop plans or rearrange things so that he can help you out? His first priority is going to be his wife’s children and their shared child. If she starts throwing her weight around and declaring that you use him as a built in babysitter whenever you’re too lazy to make other arrangements, chances are he’s not going to defend you and tell her he wants the extra time. He’s sleeping with her; he does not want to piss her off. He’s no longer sleeping with you; he does not care if you are pissed off.

Along those same lines: If you truly think you’re best buds and will always have each other’s backs, because, hey, we’re family- forever- just in a different form… then try calling him when you’ve run out of gas and are stranded on the side of the road, or at 2 in the morning when the furnace goes out and you and your kids are freezing. Give it a shot and see if he’s willing to leave the new, naked woman in his bed to go fix your furnace, or leave his new partner and kids who are eating dinner to pick up you and your kids. Again, chances are very good that even if he might be willing to do it for his kids, the new partner is not going to be happy with him running out and helping you. And when it comes to choosing who to upset- you or her- he will choose to upset you more times than not.

I guess you are a different kind of family, an extended family, only during daylight hours and only if his new schedule allows for it. That’s some kind of family.

 

Another Round of Bullshit To Be Refuted

Sam sure does love her some memes! I’m always trolling Pinterest for something fun. Sometimes I use my investigative talents for good, like when I made this darling Valentine’s Day advent calendar.

Or, when I made this Halloween care package for Rock Star.

Other times I use my powers for evil. So sit back and enjoy!

Let’s tackle step parenting first, shall we?

There are some really bizarre notions out there. Such as…

No. Just no.

Before I go any further let me say I think there are some fantastic step parents out there. I don’t discourage people from having good relationships with their step kids. I think it’s wonderful when everyone gets along and likes each other. It’s great when the steppie isn’t trying to oust the kid from the parent’s life, or isn’t a horrible monster. I’m all for loving your step kid. However… fucking someone who has kids does not make you a parent.

I’m not remarried but I have two kids who have been ghosted by their dad. The mobster is not remarried but he has four kids who have been ghosted by their mom. Pretty much. It still does not make me mommy, or him daddy.

If our kids end up developing a good relationship with each of us then that’s great. If not, we’ll live.

In other situations, especially ones where the kids are much younger, if new step mommy wants to attend ballet recitals and take lots of pictures, great. If she wants to take the kid to the movies or go get ice cream, fantastic. That does not make the child hers. She will find that out very quickly if her husband decides to divorce her. She will have no rights to “her” kids.

Also, how insulting is it to act like the other parent no longer exists? I don’t stop being “Mom” simply because my former husband decides to marry someone else. He may have a new wife but my kids do not have a new mom. In my specific case I don’t think my kids could pick Harley out in a lineup. Which, incidentally, is not a new thing for her.

In cases where there are younger children though, no, you did not replace their mother. Stop it! Enjoy your relationship as is without insisting on the title of “Mom” to children who already have a competent mother.

Where there is adultery? Oh hell no! You may have taken my husband, but I’ll get over that. You try to take my kids? I’ll throw your fucking body in one of those cattle wells out in Montana where it will take them years to dig you out if they even know where to look. You want to take them fun places, buy them shit, have a good time? Knock yourself out. But you are NOT the mom.

Are you for real? I mean, if by “mine” you mean, “my” stepchildren, well sure. They’re “your” stepchildren, as opposed to Helen’s stepchildren or Gloria’s stepchildren. If you mean “mine” as in my “children”, refer to above. No, they are not yours. They still have a mother. She still outranks you. They are not your children. You have no legal rights to them.

One of the people who commented on this said her two stepchildren were just as much hers as her husband and her biological son were. Again, if a divorce were to occur she would find out very quickly that they are not hers. She is in their lives because she is married to their father. Once that relationship is severed, so is the relationship with the kids. In most cases.

Besides, what is so wrong with acknowledging that you are a stepparent? I look at being a stepparent as being very similar to being a cool aunt. For the record, I am the coolest aunt out there. I rock that title! I have no doubt I would rock being a stepparent, too. I would get to do all the fun stuff while the parent had to deal with all the tough shit. I take them out shopping and to the movies and buy them lots of fun stuff, and Dad gets to discipline them because they’re his kids. Not mine.

These are always my favorite. Where do I even start with this?

Okay, to begin, I would get off that high horse because the first thing you figure out once you become a parent is that EVERYONE has an opinion on what you’re doing, and 99% of them think you’re doing it wrong. It’s very easy to sit back on the sidelines and critique what someone else is doing. It’s not quite as easy when you’re in the trenches. Besides, if Wonder Stepmom were to ever have to deal with her own child having a stepmom I’m sure that stepmom would have plenty to say about Wonder Stepmom’s lack of parenting skills.

Secondly, I always wonder where the second parent is. I mean, okay Mom’s a piece of shit, but where is Dad? Is he falling down on the job, too? Can only women raise children? Has Dad done a piss poor job of raising his kids? If Mom is not around or is a lackluster parent then is he refusing to step up and leaving it all to Super Steppie? If that’s the case then I would say that Super Steppie might want to take that up with her hubby. Seems Mom is not the only one with the inadequate parenting skills.

Would anyone like to guess why I picked this one?

I love how a woman knows the relationship is over and there are no hard feelings! Oh no! She realizes your happiness is the most important thing ever! She is also willing to work with you and will compromise (which is probably code for: let’s you have your way all the time). A real mother will get along with you for the sake of the child/ren.

Is it just me or is the real difference just how much shit she’s willing to take? If she doesn’t roll over and let you get away with everything she’s a damn baby mama. If she let’s you step all over her then she’s the mother of your child. Also, a damn fine kibble dispenser and someone who worships you.

Yes, I realize there are some women out there who will use their children as pawns. I don’t think it’s the majority of them. I also think there are a lot of people out there who think that if the baby mama/mother of the child won’t immediately cave to whatever demands the other parent has that it means she’s being difficult and creating drama.

These are very similar. And very wrong. Regardless of what kind of financial aid CF may toss my way I am very much a single mom. My kids are much older, but I’m a single mom, nonetheless. I have no husband or co-parent to help me out with Picasso when he needs to be picked up from school because the bus is running an hour behind, or because he has club that day. I can’t call my husband or co-parent if he misses the bus in the morning and needs to be taken to school. I do not have a partner or co-parent to help me out when he’s falling behind in school, or having any kind of emotional meltdown. Any problems that may arise I am expected to handle. When Rock Star needs something, she calls me. If she has questions or problems, I am the one to help her. I am totally on my own with the day to day care of both my kids.

Having been the single mom who wasn’t receiving a dime in support for my kids I can attest to the fact that receiving financial help is definitely preferable to not receiving it. Nonetheless, financial aid alone does not a parent make. Nor does it make us co-parents.

Again, getting child support does not negate the fact that you do not have a partner helping you. What the hell is it about people getting their panties in a wad about someone calling herself a single mom? Next thing you know they’re going to be crying you’re not a single mom if you’ve got any kind of support system around to help you. Nope, if you’re a single mom then you have no one and no financial help. You also need to sew the kids’ clothes by hand, wash them down by the river by smashing them between rocks, grow their food, milk the cows, and slaughter the chickens yourself. Otherwise, you’re not a single mom.

Also, can we please stop with the whole, “Keeping him from them,”? While I’m sure some women do try to play keep away that is definitely not a factor in my situation. He has voluntarily walked away. I have never kept his children from him. He has made that decision all on his own.

 

I don’t know why this one, or a variation of it, makes the rounds so often. Yes, I chose to have kids with him. I chose to have kids with a man who said family was very important to him. I chose to have kids with a man who I thought would always be faithful and loyal. I had kids with a man who I thought would always support his children, both physically and emotionally. I didn’t have kids with some guy who had ditched three or four other kids. I didn’t have kids with a man who had repeatedly cheated on his previous wives. I thought I had a good one. Unfortunately, he proved himself to be a lying coward who was more than willing to abandon his children for a new piece of ass.

I suppose we could argue that his actions throughout our marriage proved he wasn’t exactly Father of the Year material, but he also hadn’t completely abandoned them. He had his good moments, as I’ve always admitted. He’s not a bad dad because we divorced. He’s a bad dad because of his behavior since he was caught cheating on me. And yes, that is legit!

Oh please! How very convenient for self-serving men who don’t want to part with any of their money.

We all know that children are free! There are no costs associated with them, and if there are any then you should be willing to shoulder that all by yourself. Forever. Because Big Daddy has a whore to entertain and new kids to impress. Be a dear and don’t ask for anything.

Real women go to court and get everything they’re entitled to by law. Real women don’t listen to their sniveling, conniving ex’s when they try to modify child support on their own. Real women don’t play that stupid game.

I know I’ve said this at least twice already, but I will say it again. I know there are women out there who abuse child support. I know there are women out there who don’t provide for their kids even when Dad is paying support. I also know this is the kind of shit CF likes to promote about me.

Here’s the dirty truth. I do live support check to support check. Kids are expensive! But here’s the other thing: I have never asked CF for a dime beyond what he is court ordered to pay. When book fees come up for Picasso ($200 this year; $165 last year) I pay them. Rock Star still has a $4000 tuition bill. Guess who’s paying that? Guess who paid for her books? Guess who is paying her sorority dues? That’s another $1000+ this school year. Guess who pays for Picasso’s cello lesson and takes him to get whatever it is that he might need?

He can bitch and whine all he wants but I am still taking care of his kids.

Fuck you! In my case, I can afford to get my hair done because of the SPOUSAL support I receive. And here’s the thing that most people don’t want to acknowledge. Once that money goes into my account- spousal, child, paycheck- it’s all mine. I can do with it what I want. But see above.

I’m getting child support for one child. Right now I’m getting less than what I’m supposed to because the ex thinks he has a law degree. I’m still supporting two children. I’ve got tuition, books, and sorority fees for my daughter. There are countless other things that come up. I use MY money- whether it’s paycheck, spousal support, or child support, to pay for those things. In addition to paying her car insurance and phone bill.

Picasso recently went to Ramen Con and I gave him spending money. They both get allowances so that they have some spending money. He takes cello lessons. This past May and June I bought him a new bed and replaced his phone that he had washed in the washing machine.

Neither of my kids is going without.

Well yes, thankfully it is. When I do the math my alimony check is almost 3 times what I make at my job. Then again, I spent twenty years being a dutiful corporate wife. I moved around the country for him. I took care of the kids and the house. I was a full time chauffeur to them and their extracurriculars, and I made sure they had a variety of trips and outings.  I volunteered and was heavily involved in my kids’ schools. I never complained. So yeah, I look at it as severance pay.

Oh, lookie there! Severance pay for greedy bitches! Boy, they sure do hate to pay out that alimony although they love fucking around.

To be fair I know there are men out there paying alimony to cheating wives, and wives who wanted the divorce but still wanted the lifestyle provided by their husband. That sucks. There is no way of getting around that. When I rip on these memes I’m ripping on CF because I know this is the kind of shit he would say. He’s already said it.

Actually, let me amend my statement. I don’t look at it as severance pay. I look at it as hazardous pay. I earned every fucking dime and he would be in no position to even pay me alimony if not for the sacrifices I made. He can suck it.

Another Round Of Parental Alienation

Yet another OW’s blog. Yet another accusation of parental alienation. By now everyone knows if the kids don’t come around it’s not because the other parent is an insensitive, selfish asshole; it’s because the custodial parent is alienating them.

I don’t know. Maybe most of these cheaters think they are so wonderful they can’t conceive of a situation where someone would choose not to spend time with them. Their insipid little cohorts are sipping the same Kool-Aid. “My bae is so amazing that, of course, his kids can overlook all of the selfish, shitty things he has done in the name of love. If they aren’t talking to him it’s because the horrible, mentally abusive wife has manipulated them. No, alienated them!”

Perhaps I take these articles personally because I know Cousinfucker has told people I’ve turned the kids against him. I saw the Facebook post where he was lamenting the fact his children “probably wouldn’t see this” (his post) but wishing them a happy Thanksgiving nonetheless and telling them how much he loved them. I saw the responses to that.

Hang in there!

One day they’ll be old enough to make up their own minds!

Just keep telling them you love them!

They’ll know the truth one day.

It fries my fritters when I hear that crap! My kids already know the truth. They know that their dad cheated on me. They know that while he lived with us for the next six months he didn’t bother talking to them. They know he walked out the door without saying a word to either of them. He didn’t bother to tell them he was moving out of the house, much less out of the state. They know he could drive to see his cousin/mistress every single weekend before he moved, and that he couldn’t be bothered to visit them even one weekend in more than two years. They know all of this because they lived it. And those are just the big things.

They have experienced the joy of leaving behind lifelong friends where they grew up. My daughter had the pleasure of giving up her dream of being a Level 10 gymnast, and my son gave up playing the only sport he ever liked- hockey- because their dad was unhappy in Utah and wanted this “dream job”.

We promised them a better life. We sweetened the pot, so to speak, with promises of a pool, a hot tub, a game room, a theater room. My son looked forward to working side by side with his dad, helping him build it.

Instead, they got a father who once again shut himself off in his room. They got a father who ended up in the psych ward. A father who couldn’t go outside supposedly. A father who couldn’t celebrate their birthdays with them.

And then they got to watch as this helpless father who couldn’t go anywhere could suddenly play the devoted daddy to children that weren’t his. He could attend their birthday dinners. He could walk the mall with their whore of a mother on Christmas Eve, shopping for gifts. He could make pancakes for them, and buy them puppies and phones and expensive dresses. He could even go on family vacations.

It didn’t stop there, however! They got the pleasure of moving out of their home, watching all their furniture be sold off, saying goodbye to new friends, and moving yet again- this time more than 600 miles away.

My son had a fairly seamless transition, but my daughter was miserable the first six months or so. She lost her place in the Sports Hall of Fame. She lost future Homecomings (my alma mater does not have a Homecoming dance). She lost gymnastics for good. She had been counting down the days until she could get her license and now she was told nothing she did back in Virginia counted; she would have to start all over and wouldn’t be eligible to get her license for another 6 months. She was devastated. She lost any desire to gain a new set of friends. My beautiful, vivacious girl who was surrounded by friends and a social butterfly, became withdrawn, anxious, and depressed. As she told me once, she went from being everything to being nothing.

My son hasn’t seen or spoken to his father since February of 2016. Cousinfucker was creeping around in the shadows at her graduation and didn’t show himself until we had all left. My wonderful, talented, soft hearted son was with my mom on his way to the restaurant so CF never spent a single second with him. He didn’t bother to make it a priority to say a word to his son. This year he sent Rock Star a birthday and graduation gift, but sent nothing for Picasso- not even a card. I doubt very much that he will attempt to reach out to ask for a ticket to his graduation in 2 1/2 years.

THAT is my children’s reality. THAT is their truth. And that is why my son has no relationship with his father and my daughter has a very superficial one. It is nothing I did or said. He did a much better job at alienating them than I could have ever attempted.

 

Winning Vs. Losing, Or What I Learned From Michelle Kwan

The fabulous Dolly over on The Queen Is In wrote a provocative post last week. She mentioned someone on Twitter who questioned whether or not she stayed because she couldn’t stand to see the OW win. Dolly admitted she, too, wondered if part of why she stayed was because she didn’t want to see the OW win. Several other people commented that they didn’t want to see the OW in their situations win either. I couldn’t really chime in because as you must know if you read my blog, in my situation the OW did win. She got my husband. They are married now. I was effectively cast out and replaced.

Plus, as I kept thinking up a response it kept getting longer and longer so I decided to do what I do best and turn it into a post.

I can understand not wanting to lose your spouse to another person. I felt that way the first time I discovered what was going on. White hot rage that he had been playing me for a fool all summer long while he sweet talked that bitch. She knew I existed. She knew my kids existed. She didn’t give a shit. She wanted what was mine.

I wanted her gone! I wanted to win. I wanted her broken and destroyed. I wanted her to know that he loved me and he would never leave no matter what plans they may have had; I wanted to show her that all I had to do was snap my fingers and tell him I wanted us to work out and she would be gone without a second thought. I wanted her to know I was better than her and that she wouldn’t win.

I demanded he end things with her. I wanted to see it in black and white. His story was that he called her instead and ended things. He said she cried when he told her he could never leave me. I loved that. I felt great satisfaction in hearing she cried, that she felt discarded. She had been messing around with my husband for more than three months at that point and I wanted to banish her from our lives forever. I wanted her to know how insignificant she was to him.

I told him I had contacted her husband and when he told me to leave them alone and let them concentrate on repairing their marriage while we did the same I hissed at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!” He backed off. I felt powerful. In control. Victorious.

So I definitely get it. I did not want her to win. And yet, I remember when our anniversary rolled around and the reality of everything hit me. I was “celebrating” my anniversary with a man who cheated on me.

About two months later I followed it up with this jewel:

One day I was talking to a dear friend who is wise beyond measure. I referred to the whore as a homewrecker. She pointed out to me that she wasn’t a homewrecker; my family was intact and I had won. I had to think about that. I don’t always feel like I’ve won. It sucks knowing your husband was declaring his love for someone else, someone he considered his soul mate. How do you feel like you’ve won when the prize is a lying, cheating sonofabitch? I’m being melodramatic here. I don’t feel that way now. I’m actually pretty pleased with my life right now. But still it’s that phrasing. Kinda like our marriage is better than ever. You know how I hate that one! I don’t think there are any winners or losers in the aftermath of an affair. Sure, he’s with me. He picked me. He’s a lot nicer. A lot more attentive. But he still lied and cheated. And that’s not a great prize to win.

Much like Katniss who won The Hunger Games only to find herself having to fight for her life once again in an ultimate showdown, I found myself in round two of fighting for my marriage a short two years later; sadly, I didn’t realize there was a round two until it was too late.

So this time I lost and she won. But did she really? What did she win?

She won a man who cheats. She won a man who, when times get tough, seeks out others instead of turning to his partner. She won a man who abandoned his children. Maybe she sees that as the ultimate sacrifice and a sign of how incredibly special she is. Most people see it as an act of cowardice. She won a man who can never be happy. She won a man who, according to his court testimony, can’t drive, can’t be around loud noises, and can’t be in public places with big crowds. She won an alcoholic. She won a man who is always the smartest guy in the room and who demands all the attention and adulation. She won a man she can never rely on when things are tough because for him every small problem is a giant problem; she’ll have to be the strong one all the time because he can’t handle it. She won a man who can’t take criticism and who will demand she is happy and appreciative all the time.

My mother likes to remind me that people can be different with different people. She has tales of her own with my father. As a child growing up I remember him spending a lot of time helping my grandpa out on the farm. Once he remarried though he didn’t spend nearly as much time out on the farm. As my mother said once, “It’s amazing that as his father ages he doesn’t need his son’s help nearly as much as he did when he was younger.”

I, on the other hand, don’t believe in personality transplants. I think my stepmom has something on my dad and that’s why their marriage has lasted 30+ years. And following that logic if she had something on him she could effectively control him.

Even if my ex-husband is a completely different person with Harley what is important is how he was with me.

When I “lost” to Harley, I lost a man who rarely used my name when speaking to me. I lost a man who didn’t want to hold my hand in public (although he thought it was hilarious to grope me). I lost a man who told me on many occasions, “Only one of us can be crazy or unhappy at a time, and that person is always me.” I lost a man who took it as a personal insult if I was unhappy or sad or dared to complain about anything. I lost a man who shut himself off in the basement or bedroom, and then dared to justify his behavior with Harley because I “treated him like a wallet and a handyman.” I lost a man who didn’t really want to go on family vacations or outings with us. A man who didn’t bother to go to parent-teacher conferences with me most of the time (I think he attended two). A man who didn’t really seem to care about being a husband or a father when it came time for the day to day activities. I lost a man who didn’t want to socialize with me and friends together. I lost a man who had no interest in hearing my stories from my life before him, and who didn’t really seem to show much interest in my life outside of him when we were married.

More importantly, “losing” him to Harley led me to finding the mobster. It’s no secret that I would have probably stayed until the bitter end. Her swooping in with her “big win” allowed me to find a love I couldn’t even begin to imagine. Yes, I may have “lost” to the OW but do you want to know what I’ve won?

I’m with a man who thinks I’m funny. He genuinely laughs at my jokes.

He thinks I’m adorable. Seriously. I’ll do something and he’ll say, “You are so cute the way you…”.

He butters my roll for me without me even asking. He makes me breakfast. He wants to please me. He sends me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries.

He greets me every morning with, “Hi, Beautiful,”  “Hi, Cutie,” or, “Hi, Babydoll”.

He appreciates the things I do for him instead of merely tolerating them. He has thanked me over and over again for his “Box ‘O Love” and the surprise party I threw for him. He thanks me every time I drive the entire way to see him.

He thinks I’m smart and beautiful.

He listens to me. He listens to all my crazy stories, both present and in the past. I can tell him anything. And I do. He tells me to never apologize for complaining; he wants to hear everything. We’re partners and he wants to hear the good and the bad. He likes to hear about my day. I work in a bank, for crying out loud, and he treats it like I’m doing amazing and interesting work every day. Hell, I believe he even listened to me explaining Candy Crush to him in detail.

He doesn’t tell me only one of us can be crazy at once and it’s always him. In fact, he calms me down when I’m freaking out and he’s willing to take over if I need him to.

He tells me that I give wonderful advice and I’ve been so good for him and I always think things through and know just what to say.

He ran out to Wal-Mart when we were together for my daughter’s Family Weekend and bought me shampoo and conditioner because I hadn’t brought any and the hotel didn’t have any in the room. My mom told me later she was amazed that he was willing to do that and asked me if I could ever imagine CF doing that for me. Considering he grudgingly made me a lemonade when I was pregnant with his child after three miscarriages I’m going to say, “Probably not.”

He accompanied me to a wedding all the way out in Utah AND met a ton of my friends while out there. Some people would have found that to be much like a lamb being led to slaughter, but he was amazing. He was a bit nervous but he was genuinely pleased to finally be able to meet my friends.

He likes to socialize and have fun. He’s always up for adventure. My daughter has labeled him “the happiest person [she] knows.”

He lifts me up. He wants to be a full-time partner to me.

He’s more supportive and attentive to my kids than their own dad was.

And he’s funny. He makes me laugh and we have the best time when we’re together.

He picks flowers for me from the side of the road. He creates chalk signs for me when I come to visit and he buys balloons and decorates for me. He’s willing to drive 10.5 hours to see me. He sends me song lyrics and creates picture books of our adventures together. He gets me a cup of coffee when we’re together.

He’s also never cheated on me and never lied to me. He has been patient and understanding, especially in the beginning when I was a skittish mess. He is the most amazing man and I never would have met him if I hadn’t lost my husband to Harley.

Years ago I remember an interview the lovely, talented and graceful Michelle Kwan did. It was right after the Olympics, where she had been expected to take the gold, only to have someone snatch it out from under her. The interviewer asked her how she dealt with losing the gold medal. I still remember her response all these years later. I didn’t lose the gold. I won the silver.

Wow- talk about reframing a situation. Michelle didn’t lose anything. She won something that very people even have the opportunity to compete for. What does that have to do with infidelity and Harley and losing CF to her, you may be asking?

It’s simple. I don’t look at it as losing my husband to Harley. I look at it as “winning” the mobster and finally being in a relationship where I am valued, cherished and loved.

According to Redbook Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Take Back A Cheater

I came across some light reading the other day. Entitled 5 Reasons You Should Never Take Back a Cheater it goes through a list of, you guessed it, five reasons you shouldn’t take a cheater back. It’s more like a checklist, I think. As in, if the cheater in your life did this…

And while this comes backed by Redbook experts (!) it’s nothing that the exquisite Chump Lady hasn’t already covered pretty thoroughly in her excellent post, Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? I think we can all use a refresher course once and again so let’s begin.

Reason #1 you shouldn’t take your cheater back: It was an emotional affair. If sexologist and author, Eric Marlowe Garrison, tells you that emotional affairs can be just as hard to weather through, then you should probably believe him.

In all seriousness, what I hear time and time again is that it is not the sex that destroys the betrayed spouse. It’s all the damn lies and gas lighting.

CF’s first affair was supposedly an emotional affair. We did live almost 2000 miles away from Harley and I can testify that CF does not have a 1500+ mile long penis so perhaps he was telling the truth. Or, maybe on one of the few times he visited with his mom he took off and fucked the whore. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point. What hurt the most was the fact that he told me she made him happy. That was something I had been trying, and failing to do for eighteen years at that point. You want to talk triggers? Any talk of happiness was a huge trigger for me.

He told her he loved her. He made plans for the future with her. They talked about coming home to each other and eating dinner together. All things he didn’t bother doing with me and our kids. He was giggling like a teenager in love to his nephew about bringing her around when he got his tattoo, and telling him, “I can’t say much but one day you’ll be related to her!” Tee hee hee. So yeah, that stung more than a little bit.

Reason #2: Learning new info over the months. I think that’s what those in the reconciliation industry like to call “trickle truth”. It’s a pretty little cover for what should be known as lying by omission. It can also be called covering your ass and what they don’t know won’t hurt them but what they do know can sure as hell hurt me!

For those of you who have dealt with the so-called “trickle truth” you know it’s difficult to heal. For one, you know there’s information you don’t have. For two, every time another bomb drops, usually courtesy of someone or something else, you go right back to square one. It’s almost impossible to heal, or forgive, when you don’t know the entire story and you keep getting little chunks of it over the course of months or years.

Reason #3: They don’t answer all your questions. Well isn’t that some bullshit? They cheat and break your heart, potentially destroy your family, and then they’re going to get a burr up their ass about answering questions.

I like the way sex and family therapist, Jane Greer, Ph.D, puts it: The person who cheated should answer all these questions. If they can’t or won’t, walk away.”

Amen. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There are quite a few cheaters out there who have no interest in a divorce, but they also have no interest in truly reconciling. Divorce might mean having to do for themselves. Divorce will mean divvying up assets and potentially paying child and/or spousal support. Divorce might mean a lot of unpleasant things the cheater doesn’t want to face. What they want is for you to shut up and go back to the way things were before they were caught. They won’t do any work on the relationship, or helping you heal, and they feel like you should feel fortunate they’ve chosen to stay.

I do my best to let everyone find their own way but I will say a little prayer that any of you who find yourselves dealing with a supposedly remorseful cheater who refuses to answer your questions and does the trickle truth routine will find the strength to tell that cheater they can either start answering your questions honestly, or they can get the fuck out.

Reason #4: Placing the blame elsewhere. Specifically, if they are blaming you for the affair. No one makes a person cheat. I couldn’t get CF to eat a turnip. I couldn’t get him out of the bedroom to join us as a family. I couldn’t get him to enjoy holidays or vacations. I couldn’t get him to replace our screen door. I couldn’t get him to follow through on the promised theater room or the outdoor entertainment area. It follows that I couldn’t prevent him from fucking someone else. That was all on him.

For the love of God, if your cheater tries putting it all back on you, please, PLEASE, stand up to that sniveling coward and let them know you had absolutely nothing to do with their piss poor choices. Be crystal clear that the cheating they did was their own damn fault and a result of their poor character, which had nothing to do with you. And then go one step further and let them know that if they ever dare to blame you for their affair again you will kick their ass to the curb and file for divorce immediately. Or better yet, just leave. You’ve got nothing to work with. That’s a whole lot of entitlement and crazy thinking to cheat on your partner and then expect them to shoulder the blame for your shitty actions.

Reason #5: The affair has been ongoing. I always thought if a person cheated I would end the relationship, no questions asked. Boom. We’re done. And then of course I bought into the whole, “I won’t measure our entire relationship by one mistake,” hocus pocus. But even after I considered maybe forgiving a cheating spouse I always figured I couldn’t forgive him if either the affair had lasted a very long time, or if there had been multiple women.

I hate to quote Audrey Hope, a celebrity relationship expert (whatever that is) but I agree with her when she says, “If cheating lasted a long time, like a year or more, it’s no longer an affair, but rather a full-blown relationship.”

Most affairs are short-lived. I don’t think I could have dealt with a long running affair. Had I found out CF and Harley had been fucking around for 2 or 3 years the first time, I’m pretty sure I would have been singing Ace of Base’s, “I Saw the Sign” and walked away. Nothing to save. There is an awful lot of lying going on when someone conducts a long term affair. The sheer fact that my spouse could have lived a double life for years on end would be enough for me to say, “I’m done.”

Similarly, when Elin Nordegren first took a golf club and chased her husband down, ending with him crashing into a tree, I thought to myself, “Maybe they can rebuild.” And then the long list of women started hitting the news. That’s when I said to myself, “She needs to leave him. She’s got nothing to work with.” A one night stand, or even a one time short-lived affair is a whole different kettle of fish from someone who will fuck anything and everything.

You might be able to rebuild your marriage after an affair. When you’re dealing with someone who endlessly cheats you’re married to someone who wants a pussy or dick buffet. They’re not interested in faithfulness.

There you have it. Five reasons you should leave your cheater. If it was an emotional affair, if your partner won’t tell you the whole truth or refuses to answer questions, if your partner blames you for the affair, or if the affair was long-term Redbook says to run. If you can’t trust Redbook, who can you trust?

A Word About Being Angry

Fellow blogger, Reformed Cad, just gave me a shout out on his blog. It was a very nicely done post and I very much appreciated it. I always like it when people take the time to reblog something I’ve written, or take the time to tell others about my blog. I think he has a closed blog so I’m not going to try to link to it. If he comes over and says it’s open to the public I’ll link to it, or he can link to it in the comments.

I am, however, going to quibble with one thing he says. She is angry. And if you read her journal it becomes obvious why.

Let the record (or blog) show I am not angry. It always baffles me when people say things like that because I think I keep it pretty light hearted when it comes to my situation. I think if you asked my mother she would tell you I didn’t get angry enough. I did indeed get dealt a shitty hand.; however, it’s better than what some other people are dealt. He didn’t attempt to poison me (as far as I know). He didn’t try to pay someone to take me out. He didn’t get physically violent with me once the divorce began. He didn’t kidnap and kill my children. He didn’t threaten me with a weapon or set me up for a domestic violence charge. He didn’t leave me after I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease. He didn’t leave me with a nasty STD. And yes, I realize those are the extreme situations, but I’ve heard every one of those over on Chump Lady except the one about paying someone to kill me. I got that one off of ID TV, where it happens quite regularly.

He also didn’t fight me for custody of our children. Granted, that would have been a tough sell seeing as how he moved approximately 300 miles away from them and left them behind, but I know that others are having to fight for custody even when the only reason the ex is fighting is to reduce or eliminate child support.

And, while he did indeed cheat again I only lost two years of my life “wreck-onciling” with him, instead of five, or ten or twenty.

I know that I have written a lot about all that my kids and I have lost. That’s a fact. It has nothing to do with anger. He screwed us. We invested everything into this new life he said he so desperately wanted. He threw it away, and in the process the kids and I lost our home and were forced to move. Fact.

With my daughter graduating recently I was continually reminded of everything that we lost. Again, that’s a fact. It happened, and no matter how happy I pretend to be about everything that was lost, it doesn’t change that.

That’s not anger. If anything it’s sadness. Sadness that my kids had to go through that because of their dad and his crappy decisions.

I wrote the other day about the triggers that still come. It’s not anger. It’s continuing to mourn the life I had. Imagine spending twenty years with someone, living a certain kind of life, and then one day having that ripped away from you. I defy anyone to say it would be no big deal. It’s one thing to decide you are going to make big changes. It is a completely different animal when those changes are made for you.

Even when you’ve accepted that life is gone you still mourn at times. There are still things that smack you in the face and cause you to feel that loss. I’m not angry. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the life I lived for twenty years is gone, and that it was all a lie.

Do I continue to write about CF? Sure, I do. He keeps doing shitty things. I mostly shrug it all off. Nothing he says or does really angers me. Well, except for the fact that he has yet to acknowledge he has a son. That does piss me off. But the shit he says whenever he has to pay me? That’s comedy fodder for my blog. I give him about as much importance as I would a two year old throwing a tantrum.

I did ask my mom if I seemed angry because, as I said, it always perplexes me when people give me that label. She was pretty quick to answer. “No, you just call bullshit when you see it.”

That’s a pretty good explanation. I’m not angry or bitter about my situation. I continue to write because it does make me angry when I hear stories of others who are going through this same thing. It makes me angry when I hear about a spouse who is so desperate to keep a marriage together that they accept bullshit excuses and tolerate the so called “trickle truth” and evasion of questions. I know what I went through; I hate to see others go through that same thing. If I can be a sane voice out there asking, “Is this acceptable to you?” and leading someone through the dark I’ll keep writing.

As Chump Lady reminds her audience over and over, there are many avenues for those who want to reconcile. She is pretty much the only voice that tells people it’s not their fault their spouse cheated and there is a better life out there without a cheater. I don’t go so far as to encourage people to leave; I think that’s an individual choice and everyone has their reasons for staying or going. I will, however, point out when the cheater is blowing smoke up your ass. I’ll tear apart all the psycho-babble explanations for why people do the heinous things they do, and I’ll mock the “affair-y tale” love stories that mistresses share on a regular basis.

I will also never accept the idea that both parties had a part to play in an affair. Both of you were in the same marriage. Only one person cheated. I fully agree with Chump Lady when she says that you may have been the worst spouse on the planet; you may have truly, truly sucked. But you did not deserve to be cheated on and you did not cause your spouse to cheat.

Furthermore, I’m not one who believes you need to be a martyr for the sake of your children. You don’t need to celebrate birthdays with the cheating ex and the new spouse, or go on “family” outings, or look after your ex if they get sick. Your kids will survive even if you’re not pretending that the other parent is the best-est person in the whole wide world.

I’m willing to tell people you don’t have to, and in fact shouldn’t, gaslight your children. Tell them the truth in age appropriate terms. It’s not your job to be your cheating ex’s PR agent. If they didn’t want their kids to know they were lying cheaters maybe they shouldn’t have been lying and cheating. Nothing good ever comes from hiding the truth. It will always come back and bite you in the ass one way or another.

I let people know they don’t have to be friends with the ex. If that’s something you want I think you’re a little bit crazy, but okay. If it works for you more power to you. However, I refuse to perpetuate this idea that’s the way it should be. When you’re dealing with adultery you’re dealing with a person who lied to you and betrayed you. They were supposed to have your back and instead they stabbed you in it. Welcome home, Michael Myers! As Chump Lady always asks, “Would you be friends with the guy who mugged you?” No? OK, then why are you trying to maintain a friendship with someone who essentially mugged your life?

I advocate gaining a support system and leaning on them, instead of relying on someone who betrayed and abandoned you. Even in so-called “good” divorces I advocate for that because you never know how things are going to change once your ex partners up again.

I believe that no contact is a wonderful thing.

I believe that you can focus on gaining a better life without the person who cheated on you and hurt you while still remembering exactly who they are and what they did. Getting on with my life and living a much better life than the one I had with him does not equal forgiving him.

I don’t think that’s being angry. I think that’s using common sense and speaking the truth.

October Triggers

I read a lot about triggers. Usually it’s the betrayed spouse who is trying to reconcile. Here is a lesser known fun fact: Did you know that you can divorce and still experience triggers?

October has been ripe with them. It’s probably not October, per se. It’s just that I’ve been out and about and well, it’s October.

People are starting to share senior pictures of their kids. The pictures are beautiful. The smiles are wide. The parents are so proud.

The mobster’s daughter is in full blown senior mode, making it a point to not miss one minute of her senior year. Last week was Homecoming and she and her friends were dressing up for Spirit Week. They had so much fun planning what to wear and picking out the outfits. She opted to go to the Homecoming game instead of a Kane Brown concert. She is loving every minute of her senior year. She doesn’t like talking about graduation because she doesn’t want it to end. I don’t blame her. She’s got a great life- fantastic friends and a full social calendar (plus an amazing dad!).

All of this makes me feel so sad for what my own daughter lost. Her senior year was nothing big to her. Unlike T, she couldn’t wait for it to be over. She was graduating with these people she had known a year, not six years. She didn’t have fantastic friends, or rather, all of her fantastic friends were hundreds of miles away. Her social life didn’t exist.

Maybe it’s all an illusion. Maybe if we had stayed in Virginia and she had graduated from her original high school she would have felt the exact same way. I don’t tend to believe that, though. She loved it there. She loved her friends. She loved cheering and competing in high school gymnastics. These would have been people she would have spent four years with, from freshman year through senior. She would have finished what she started. Instead she was moved and forced to start all over. She couldn’t have cared less about her senior year, and it makes me so sad because high school had started out so promising for her.

Fortunately, she’s happy now, and I am crossing my fingers that nothing will derail her at college. I am hopeful that college will be the amazing experience she should have had in high school.

You would think that would be enough as far the triggers go but you would be wrong. Starting in September, possibly earlier, the stores start hauling out their decorations- Halloween, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Yeah, I can’t believe they have Christmas stuff out either.

I can tolerate the Christmas stuff. I’ve always decorated for Christmas, even when I had my own apartment years and years ago. But the Halloween and fall decorations always make my heart ache just a bit.

You see, I was very bored and lonely when we moved from Utah to Virginia. I had nothing to do so I decided I would decorate for the first time in our lives. Like, really decorate. It started off with me deciding to decorate the porch for fall and to decorate the inside with Halloween decorations for the first time ever.

I decorated the hell out of the house. I had different bathroom rugs for every holiday, every season. Different hand towels, too. My sofa table was where most of the decorations resided, but I also decorated in the dining room and the formal living room.

Now, every year I am bombarded with all the different Halloween and fall decorations and it reminds me of all I lost. I had a home to decorate and now I don’t. I spent all this money to make our house look lovely and in the end it was a waste of time and money because all of those things were sold off for pennies on the dollar.

I know I shouldn’t miss things, but I do. I do my best to focus on what the future will bring. I tell myself that I will once again have a home of my own and I can decorate that space from scratch. Nothing from the old life will taint the new. Best of all I don’t have to worry about losing it because it will be mine.

Nonetheless, those triggers are a bitch. Even when you’re divorced.

Poor Little OW

I came across the comments section of an OW’s blog. Shocker- she was alone on Valentine’s Day and hoping for a shout out from her married man. Another OW tells her, “I feel for you. I really do… The other woman rarely gets any sympathy and I think that is unfair. It’s impossible to stop loving someone even if you are not ‘meant’ to.”

In reply, the OOW (original other woman) says, “Thanks… it’s great to have someone who relates. Definitely unfair, and so hurtful. Our feelings are not important at all!!!???”

Are you two dipshits for real? Do you really not understand why people might not feel sorry for you when you’re off fucking married men and helping to destroy families?

I’ll bite. What exactly is it that we’re supposed to feel sorry for?

Sorry that your married man is spending holidays with his wife? Hmmmm… that’s what commonly happens when you get involved with a married man. He tends to spend the holidays with his actual wife and family, especially if you are a dirty little secret, hidden from everyone he knows.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you that you “fell in love” with someone who was already taken? Hmmmm… I personally believe that you can control that shit. You get the crotch tingles from someone and you find out he’s married? You walk away! Period. Take up knitting. Bake some banana bread. Read to orphans. Milk a goat. You don’t engage because chances are excellent that this is not going to end well.

I’m so tired of hearing this tripe. You can’t control who you fall in love with. You can’t stop loving someone even if you’re not meant to love them. Bullshit! You don’t put yourself in situations where this could happen. If you are attracted to a man who is married you avoid that person. If you can’t avoid him for whatever reason (and truthfully, I think that’s going to be a rare situation) you make sure you’re not alone with him. You don’t socialize outside of work with him. You don’t email him. You don’t text him. You don’t friend him on Facebook or follow him on Instagram. You don’t FaceTime. You stay off his Twitter account. You don’t SnapChat. You. Walk. Away.

I’ll take it one step further. Maybe you can’t control who you fall in love with. Maybe you can’t stop loving someone even if you’re not meant to love them. You can, however, choose how to behave going forward. You can choose to stay away. You can choose to not act on those feelings. You can choose to acknowledge that it is wrong and that a relationship between the two of you will hurt people, so you again, opt to walk away.

Sorry, sweetie pie; you are absolutely correct when you say the other woman doesn’t get any sympathy. There is a reason for that. She chose this. She knew what she was doing; she knew she was wrong and she went ahead anyway. Either she believed it was a love fated in the stars, or she believed she was so damn special she was entitled to another woman’s mate. Regardless, she chose her lot in life.

Now she and her other women friends can sit around a fireplace, drowning their sorrows in alcohol as they bemoan the fact that their married lovers have left them alone yet again over holidays, or cry as they realize the love of their life is still having sex with his wife. Maybe they can pour over pictures of the couple on social media and try to figure out if he’s really happy with her or if it’s all a charade, because gosh darn it, it just looks so real and he never takes the OW on vacation or buys her expensive presents!

If you want people to acknowledge your feelings and to sympathize with you when you are hurt stop fucking married men. It’s almost impossible to pity a woman who knowingly takes on that role.