Is the Past Drifting Away?

Rock Star and I were having a conversation the last time I was with her. I forget how it came up; I must have told her once again I was sorry her high school experience was what it was, instead of what it should have been, and that she graduated here instead of in Virginia with all her friends.

She told me for the first time that she didn’t care where she graduated. It didn’t matter to her. Then she went on to say that in the end it all worked out for the best.

She is ecstatic with college living. She loves her college. She loves her sorority; she loves her “Big” and her “G-Big.” As she wisely pointed out to me, if she had graduated in Virginia she never would have ended up where she did. She really wouldn’t have. An out of state college in Indiana never would have been on her radar. She wouldn’t have pledged her sorority. She wouldn’t have met the people she has. Right now she can’t imagine life without them.

I have worried endlessly about both of my kids since moving them once again back in July of 2016. I’ve worried more about Rock Star because the move seemed to be so much more traumatic for her, and because Picasso seemed to adjust so well. My beautiful, outgoing, funny daughter went from being a super star to being nothing. She lost gymnastics for good. She lost great friends once again because of her dad’s selfish choices. She was a month away from driving solo when it was snatched away from her. She spent most of her last two years seemingly miserable and anxious. Friends coming over or even hanging out with friends was a distant memory.

It seems, however, the worry was for naught. All the pieces are finally falling into place. I’m not sure I can go so far as to say everything happened for a reason. There were a lot of things that really sucked. There were a lot of tears, disappointment, sadness, and loss. I don’t think CF needed to firebomb our lives, and yet…. if he hadn’t I don’t think we’d be here.

Yes, Rock Star would have continued on her life as a pampered daughter who wouldn’t have to do without. She would have got her license at 16 and 3 months, been given a car, and thought she had life by the tail. She would have continued on at her high school having an amazing high school experience. By virtue of being her younger brother Picasso would have had an easy transition into high school. Plus, he had already begun developing a close knit group of friends on his own. Neither kid would have wanted for anything. They would both still have a mom at home for them, available 24/7.

Rock Star would have gone to a different college and maybe she would have loved it there as much as she loves her current school. Maybe she would have pledged a different sorority there and loved those girls. I don’t know.

What I do know is that she’s happy now. Where she is. Not just happy. She’s beaming. She feels like she’s found her tribe, her place.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to listen to “Best Day Of My Life” or “On Top Of the World” without feeling a twinge of regret, or a faint whiff of, “What if…?” Fortunately, I can take comfort in knowing it eventually had a happy ending.

4 thoughts on “Is the Past Drifting Away?

  1. “My beautiful, outgoing, funny daughter went from being a super star to…”

    recognizing that YES, SHE IS a super star, even with the magic lamp being stolen away. She figured out boundaries, worked hard, fostered new relationships, and is succeeding. And now that she’s made it there, she KNOWS can make it anywhere! ❤ That's a fantastic lesson to learn, in one so young.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like what insistonhonesty said. She’s right. Circumstances in childhood don’t prevent you from reaching your dreams. Telling yourself you’re screwed, you were always screwed, you will always be screwed because of what someone did to you and believing it: THAT. That’s what prevents you. The excuses you give yourself to fail. Kids are resilient as hell.


  3. Even though it’s cliche, sometimes our greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I also thought the same thing as insistonhonesty – these experiences have gifted your children with something that will serve them invaluably during their lifetime – resiliency, which is one of the most important characteristics in a person that is successful in life, and learning that material things are not that important and how hard you must work to have them, another VERY VERY important lesson for a successful and most important of all an ENJOYABLE HAPPY life. I know you didn’t want them to have this experience but honestly, if they hadn’t, that life they were having wouldn’t really have adequately prepared them for real life because real life is hard and often disappointing and you have to learn how to navigate that and you modeled it like a rock star AND they learned it. A very very very valuable lesson for their adult life. I am so glad to read though that you guys have finally reached this moment and are finally reaping some happiness and enjoyment in your lives!!! It must be in the air cuz my life has NEVER been as good as it is now either. lol hugs and prayers in fact I’m gonna a post an update just to let people know no matter what EVENTUALLY your life will get better, just NEVER GIVE UP!!!!


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