The Nightmare Before Christmas

Holy shit! When I made that joke about Cousinfucker having a law degree from Imaginary U I didn’t think he actually believed it. Oh, but he did!

My lawyer has finally found a moment to get our support modification papers together. It turns out Cousinfucker’s lawyer is no longer representing him. I don’t know if she canned him or he fired her. Either way he is now representing himself which means my attorney gets to deal directly with his special brand of douchbaggery.

Let’s review. To begin we will go back to August or September of 2015, shortly after I found out my life was blowing up in my face. He sends me a text letting me know how much money I will be receiving per month and then proceeds to break it down by each child’s graduation. Surprisingly child support did not decrease by 50% in his initial calculations. Back then.

Part 2 is also important. Part 2 is when I attempted to let him know that child support did not decrease by 50% once Rock Star graduated. That’s when he informed me there was no separate order for child support; therefore, he would now one half of what he had been paying. Then after contacting my attorney to see if that was indeed accurate he invited me to that UFC match.

The final piece of the puzzle is when he sent me child support the next time after this had all gone down. He made mention of the Potato Chip Squire and told me he would not pay me another dime until my lawyer contacted him with the new figures.

This is all important because he crafts a response to my attorney. It is brilliant in its sociopathy and condescension. One of the gems?

You have the facts correct as to the date of the change in the amount of child support owed. Specifically, the Last Name’s daughter graduated high school on June 7, 2018. I had not been previously informed that the amount for one child was not simply one half of the amount for two children and that is specifically why I began to pay [half]. When I learned that the amount was to be different in July 2018 I merely asked what the new amount was to be and until yesterday I had not been informed of the new amount.

Can we start with the obvious? He refers to his daughter as the Last Name’s daughter. He couldn’t use her fucking name! Oh, that’s right! Because now he’s a lawyer.

Secondly, this is the smartest man we’ll ever meet and yet he had no clue how child support worked, despite man-splaining it to me in the very beginning?

Third, can I paraphrase the judge and say that his story of merely asking what the new amount was hurts his credibility in light of the nasty texts I have? I told him on two different occasions that this was not correct and let him know he should contact his lawyer to get it modified. When he found out he was incorrect and that half was not the correct amount he basically called me a fucking cunt. He then informed me he would not be paying another cent until he heard from my lawyer and accused me of wanting more money so that I could meet up with the mobster, or as he likes to call him, The Potato Chip Squire.

You’d think he was done, but you would be wrong. He goes on to let her know that her figures seem to be correct but he has a newer version of the form.

Then he gets down to the nitty gritty. He wants to see my documentation of my income (of course he does) and of the health care insurance he apparently thinks I’m faking carrying. Because, “If we are updating the child support amount owed, then we need to use the actual figures from today to make everything correct and proper.”

The amount my attorney had calculated for medical and dental insurance “seems high” to him, almost twice the average for the state of Indiana, according to him. Yeah, I’ve got shitty insurance. I pay $188 per paycheck to cover myself and my two kids. If I was only covering myself I would be paying $44. And yes, I realize he no longer has any responsibility towards Rock Star but for him to be acting like I’m somehow ripping him off is insulting.

Unlike him I didn’t wait until the moment she graduated and then declare, “You’re on your own, kid!” I also didn’t get to march into HR and demand I be allowed to take her off of my insurance. You know, since he was no longer responsible for that. No, I’m still paying for insurance for her. I also told my attorney I wanted that noted so I have it in black and white that he doesn’t give a shit about his kid and what she needs. It’s always about fucking me over and never once thinking about his own children and what the extra money might mean for them.

This had to be the best part though: On your arrears calculation sheet you state that “he did some strange calculation.” Let us remain professional please and keep the comments to ourselves and not on our documentation.

Oh. My. God. That motherfucker actually thinks he’s a goddamn attorney!

Cousinfucker is calculating child support for his daughter, or The Last Name’s daughter, down to the very half hour she graduates and he is offended by my attorney not understanding how he came up with those numbers and referring to it as strange? I think my mother nailed it. How dare anyone criticize him?

I’m sure my lawyer is much more professional than I would be but I do so wish she would reply, “I’ve been doing this for twenty-five years. I don’t need you telling me how to behave professionally. If you were a real lawyer instead of pretending to be one you would know that we lawyers speak freely amongst one another when trying to reach agreements; and truly, if noting that your strange calculation is indeed a strange calculation hurts your little feelings you would never actually make it as a real attorney. I don’t come to your plant and tell you how to make boxes so why don’t you give me the same courtesy and stop trying to tell me how to be a lawyer?”

Naturally, he does not agree with the figures. I can almost guarantee that he is going to argue my insurance coverage should be calculated at the higher amount (which is double the plan I could have been on if it had only been me) because those are the figures given. He’s also not agreeing to pay the legal fees. Surprise, surprise! He argues, “I have no input into Ms. Awesome’s business affairs including the hiring of you, nor do I have any control over how long it takes you to do certain tasks. If she wishes to hire you that is her business and hers alone and has nothing to do with me.

What a fucking asshole! Of course the whole reason I’m having to hire her is because of him. This whole thing could have been settled in less than an hour way back in June or July. But no! He had to play high and mighty. No one tells him what to do.

Ugh! I’m so sick of him. Day 1 he really got to me. By Day 2 I was telling myself it was just money and even if I have to pay my own attorney fees it will be worth it. Some moments I’m tempted to just put it on the damn docket and let the judge decide. Other moments I tell myself to keep a cool head. Once I have this modified I can garnish him and then I don’t ever have to deal with him again. Merry Christmas!

8 thoughts on “The Nightmare Before Christmas

  1. They really are so up themselves aren’t they. Think they are not only God’s gift to women but are so much smarter. Or at least mine did. Mine thought he was so smart showing up at Court with an attestation from the Credit Union to show that he, too, had taken out loans. Then I had to point out that all of my loans had been home improvement loans so they HAD to be spent on the home – not on some fancy, schmancy car for a little man with a small dick. He got himself so tied up in knots because he never bothered to learn French properly and looked the dick he is. What I hadn’t realized though is that my attorney had given his attorney a copy of the hospital reports detailing the beatings I took! Wanker. He got his and in any case, just being him is bad enough. Your smart arse will get his too. Just stay cool and you do seem to be incredibly good at record keeping – that will work in your favour eventually!

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  2. Garnish the fucker Sam – best damn decision I ever made!! He’s filing for chapter 13 – his child support will still come off the top of his wages before anything else even if they grant it.

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    1. Oh believe me, Tina, as soon as I get the new order that’s exactly what I’m doing. By the time I was ready to do it the order was no longer valid. I’m not going to give him another chance.

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  3. Every time I read one of his stories I marvel at his ability to make everything revolve around him (make it about him is a better term). He is such a Manchild!🙄 From victim to attorney he’s like a bad ingredient that shows up in every pot of stew, overpowering everything, Santo Dios!🙄 (He has quite a penchant for embarrassing himself, but he’s such a bad loser his anger of you having a waaaay better life than his is driving him). Make no mistake, you had many loses but when all is said and done you’ve found a better life (for many reasons) and being unchained from his constant drama and shenanigans is the sweetest reward. Not your circus, not your monkeys- even when you stil have to deal with it part-time. I can’t inagine him enjoying a moment’s peace. Sweet Sam, this too shall pass. Have a Merry Christmas! 2019 is gonna be GREAT for Pisceans.

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