I was driving to work the other day, letting myself get overwhelmed by everything. I’m soon going to have to pay taxes. I’m worried Rock Star won’t get as much financial aid. I’m still trying to pay off the mobster for the tickets purchased back in June. I’m still trying to pay off the stay-cation I had with Rock Star. Plus, I continue to have college and sorority bills coming my way. As if that’s not enough to have me pulling my hair out I have legal bills once again. Then it hit me- Rock Star’s car is a piece of shit and I don’t know how on earth she’s going to get around this summer when she comes home. At the very least I have to buy a new battery. In the end the car probably needs several thousand dollars worth of work to keep it safely running. With everything else going on I don’t have the ability to save up money to help her buy a new car. I just don’t. On top of that I still have books to pay for for Picasso (I swear Indiana is the only damn state that makes you pay book fees)- $200. I also need to enroll him in Driver’s Ed for the bargain basement price of $425. My insurance gives me a discount if they’ve taken it and he doesn’t seem willing to drive until he gets a tutorial. I’m so tired of worrying about money.
I don’t miss CF at all. He was a killjoy and a big old baby. He was entitled and arrogant and he never gave half of what he got in terms of a partnership. Yet as I was driving to work, trying to figure out how I was going to cover everything, it suddenly popped into my head that I really miss financial security.
Don’t get me wrong. I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have a mom who jumped at the chance to take me and my kids in. I couldn’t function if I was paying rent on top of all of this. Seriously, I would have to get a second job. Possibly a third.
I am also incredibly happy with the mobster. I have said it before and I will say it again: I would rather live in a one bedroom apartment with that man than live a 4000 square foot home with CF.
All in all my life is good. I have friends. I’m healthy. My kids are both happy and healthy. My mom is doing well. I have an amazing love. I should have no complaints.
Still, I miss those days of not having to blink when a bill comes due. I miss being able to pay bills and pay for extras and still have plenty left over. I miss being able to go above and beyond for my kids. Hell, I miss being able to take them to the eye doctor or dentist or doctor and not begin to hyperventilate.
Rock Star is insisting she has a hernia even though the doctor she went to said she doesn’t, and I’m trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to add paying for hernia surgery on top of everything else. I just had my company put their contribution into my HSA so I have approximately $1200 in that for medical expenses this year, minus the $360 for the aforementioned doctor’s appointment at the med center for my daughter. I have a $3500 deductible. Per person. I have no idea how much hernia surgery is going to be but I know it’s a hell of a lot more than $1200. Even after my deductible is met I pay 20% so by the time she’s done, if she indeed needs surgery, I’m sure I’ll be paying her medical bills for the next 10 fucking years. She also complains off and on about her wisdom teeth. I have dental insurance but I’m pretty sure that again, what I end up paying out of pocket is going to be pretty steep. Thank God she’s the one that needs all the medical treatment and she’s not the one he’s responsible for, huh?
So yeah, financial security sounds really good right about now. I just got my annual raise and found out I’m going to be making a huge 53 cents more per hour. $20 more a week! $80 a month. Looks like I’m going to be able to afford those medical bills after all!
I try to take it one crisis at a time. I try to do some deep breathing and tell myself not to stress about it because it will work out eventually. But it seems to never end. Just as one expense comes to an end another one comes around the corner.
I miss the days of the $50,000+ bonus check so we had over $30,000+ in the bank. I miss the 200-250 shares of stock options; the last time he was given stock and I was privy to the details it was worth approximately $15,000. When we got the quarterly dividend check it would be over $300. I got 10 shares of stock options this year, worth approximately $400. My dividend check was a little over $2. Sadly, I am not missing a zero. I miss the days of getting a tax refund. We adjusted deductions so we weren’t getting huge amounts of money back, but I find it ironic that when my annual income was over $200,000 I got money back at tax time and now that I make $13/hour I pay taxes at tax time. I do realize it’s because I get alimony and have to pay taxes on that but still. So much for the myth of the single mom who rakes it in at tax time. That has never been me. Never.
I realize I’m going to have to look for a different job. This one doesn’t pay for shit and the insurance is killing me. I take home approximately 60% of my paycheck after paying for insurance (medical, dental, life), taxes (no deductions), and putting aside 6% for my 401k plus $15 into my HSA. I’m just not sure what 2 years of experience is going to do for me as far as getting a new job. Seriously- two years ago I wasn’t a viable applicant anywhere but now that I’ve worked as a teller for a year and in the back office for a year I’m suddenly a hot commodity? If I throw in the fact that I unloaded trucks and stocked shelves at Target for almost a year I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t want to hire me!
The problem I’m facing is that I don’t think I’m qualified to be hired in at a decent salary. I’m not being offered jobs that start at $65,000 or more. That means I’ll have to work my way up. I don’t have that kind of time. I wasted it on him. I wasted it being a stay at home mom while we moved around the country for his job. So if I’m stuck taking jobs that pay less than $30,000 a year and I’m trying to work my way up…. well, it’s a very long climb until I’m making decent money.
While I will admit I do love taking his money, especially because it makes him so mad, I hate being dependent upon him. I hate knowing that if he loses this job, or dies in a freak accident, I’m spiraling back down into poverty. It will be two jobs once again for me. I hate letting him have control over my life. If I want to continue getting spousal support I can’t marry or move in with the mobster. It’s not even so much that I’m chomping at the bit to remarry; it’s that I can’t. I am in no position to provide for either of my kids if I no longer receive spousal support. I hate it.
I’ll say again- I don’t miss him at all. He was a liar and a drama queen. He never put me first. He never cherished me. He never fought for me or defended me. But damn, I sure do miss that financial security. I miss not worrying about money. Until the day comes that I am making great money on my own I probably always will.