The End Of the Road

I am surrendering. My attempt to garnish him is over. The caseworker confirmed that even if CF and I were to agree to the modification, have it signed by the judge, and filed with the courts in Virginia, we would STILL have to have it modified by a judge in Kentucky. I think my chances of him agreeing to a modification are slim to none. In that case I would be paying probably close to a thousand dollars in order to get this modified all so that a judge in Kentucky who doesn’t know our story can give him a giant break on child support.

It is all done according to the worksheet they complete. That worksheet, by the way, has me listing out all my expenses once again and trying to justify getting what I get. I’m fairly certain he gets a chance to do the same and I’ve already seen the exorbitant expenses he has living with the whore and the mulligans. Between the fact that our incomes (assuming he’s using the $100,000 figure from his last job) are pretty evenly matched after he pays spousal support and I receive spousal support, plus the fact that he seems to have extraordinary expenses I would be surprised if I even receive the $700 the state calculator said I would receive.

She advised me that they can make notes but the judge wouldn’t see them- only the attorney from the child support office can review them. Furthermore, while he would need to appear in court to give his testimony, I would be represented by the papers I submitted and the summary of the interstate appointment. In other words, he gets a chance to plead his case and explain to the judge why he should get a substantial break, while I’m back at work trying to make enough money to send my daughter back to school.

I’m prepping myself to email him with all of my information- current pay stubs, pay stubs showing differing pay amounts, insurance amounts. I’m going to suggest that he go ahead and do the calculations since he’ll be doublechecking anyway. Now that I’ve typed that out I realize he’ll probably balk at that and refuse to do so. Once again I’ll be told my lawyer needs to contact him. And I’m going to tell him to go fuck himself unless he’d like to pay the legal bills.

At one point I thought I was going to fight to get him to at least cover Rock Star’s share of the insurance premiums, and to use my share at the $46/month rate from July-December.

I thought of asking him to pay for half of my legal bills, seeing as how I incurred this expense because of him.

I thought of getting bold and asking him to agree to pay 50% of Rock Star’s medical bills. If I were really bold I’d think about asking for 50% of college expenses, including sorority fees.

In the end I think I’m just going to go with the straight forward calculations. Here is what I made back when this started. Here are my new pay rates. Here are the insurance premiums for 2018 and 2019. And I will undoubtedly end up eating all of the damn legal fees.


The only thing I have going for me, my ace if you will, is simply that he’s never modified the court order and most judges don’t like having their orders ignored. The end result? He doesn’t owe me the small difference I would be getting for child support for Picasso. He owes me over $11,000 going by the original order. That, and the fact he still hasn’t paid the $25,000 he was ordered to pay in legal fees. As I like to remind myself, if we go to court and I’m wrong I still leave with an increase in child support and around $2000 in arrears (not to mention hopefully the $25,000). If he’s wrong? He owes me over $11,000 in back child support plus he’ll be facing another contempt hearing for that $25,000.

Unfortunately, I’m probably overthinking this. I can’t figure out how this will play out in court if I do take him back. Yes, he’ll have to explain his non-payment of the court fees. Yes, he’ll have to explain why he wasn’t more proactive in modifying the support order. But I’m not sure the judge would actually order him to pay the $11,000 in arrears. I feel like taking him back to court because he won’t sign off on things I know won’t be court ordered will reflect poorly on me.

I’m expecting it to go badly. He always ends up winning. Seriously. Even my win in court wasn’t really a win. He was imputed at $70,000 more than he actually made. He was ordered to pay child support and spousal support (for 16 years) at a rate much higher than he wanted to pay. But he only paid child support for two kids for a mere six months. The minute he felt he was able he prorated his daughter’s support down to the half hour she graduated. He paid spousal support in full for 14 months. I’m on month five of less spousal support than he’s ordered to pay. Only nine more to go until payment in full equals under payment! I’m counting on it! You know why?

Because NOBODY will fucking help me! Because that bastard made it impossible for me to hold him accountable. He moved us to Virginia where our divorce took place but scampered back to Kentucky as soon as possible. Lost his fucking job which forced me and the kids to move to Indiana. Instead of one state handling it all it’s now three states with their hand in the pot. Brilliant move, Cousinfucker! Brilliant move.

Because my lawyer works at a snail’s pace, constantly puts me last when it comes to her workload, and instead of doing as I ask repeatedly tells me my state should be able to do this for free. Because my state (where I’ve just paid an additional $2200 in taxes) wants to hand everything over to Kentucky and let a judge there decide my fate. Because everyone tells me they can’t guarantee that they will go after spousal support and it’s ridiculous to piss him off when they’ll only be garnishing a small amount of what he actually owes me. Plus, the motherfucker is already voluntarily paying me more than he would be ordered to pay me if it went to court in Kentucky.

I’ve run the numbers. I have two options. I can opt to drop the rope and not continue on with the modification; I can eat the shit sundae that is letting him win and get away with doing whatever the hell he feels like. Or, I can continue to fight him on this for what will amount to $179.24 more per month.

I’m not rich. I don’t make a lot of money. Hell, I can’t afford to support myself in my own place. It’s not that I’m scoffing at the possibility of an additional $180. That could easily be a utility bill or two. Two months of Rock Star’s sorority dues. Almost two months worth of cello lessons for Picasso.

I also realize that some money is just too expensive. I’ve already paid somewhere between $600 and $1000 to my lawyer for the first go round. Honestly, I haven’t been able to open the bill and actually look at it. I have a feeling if I continue down this road it will cost me another $600-$1000.

Essentially I will end up paying a year’s worth (maybe more!) of that additional support to my attorney, in order to reap the benefits for two years.

I guess it won’t hurt to offer up the new numbers. I’ll have to think about whether or not I want to deal with the egg on my face when he flat out refuses to include Rock Star in the premiums or to split my legal fees. Is it worth the additional $87.91 to fight with him? I think he might actually pony up the additional support amount.

I know I’m tired of fighting him. I also know no one is going to help me. It’s all on me.

4 thoughts on “The End Of the Road

  1. Sam, since I just read about such a thing as a lien on property for unpaid spousal and child support maybe that could be an option? Perhaps he is already transferred on his parents property to avoid probate BS when his dad passes. My ex-wife did that with her parent (owner on the paid for real estate) because of a cancer diagnosis. When they passed she was the sole owner. In some states personal property like cars can be garnished and cannot be sold without satisfaction of the lien. A lawyer would know whether this is possible in the states you are tangled up in but at least you might get your money at the end of the game, even if he is hiding the ball to run out the clock.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Both of his parents are dead now. I think the problem with the liens is that I have to go through the state and in my case that’s not going to help. It’s only going to hurt because a judge who has never heard our case before is going to make a decision on how much child support he must pay. Plus, I’m not exactly sure he even owns a house now. My mother is convinced he used what was left in his 401k to put a down payment on the house they were renting but I don’t know. We were both spoiled by his VA loan and unless he managed to come up with over $70,000 he is no longer eligible for that which means he has to come up with a down payment.

      I think in the end I may have to take him to court but who knows? Everyone I speak to seems to have a different answer.


  2. Wow wow wow wow WOW! OhSweetSam I admire you! I really do! You wanna know why? Because first of all, I don’t see it as a surrender. It’s strategy, it’s practicality, it’s adjusting sails. Life is like surfing- the only wave that matters to stay on the board is the one that has developed under your feet. Adjust your feet, your pose, arms, so you reach the end. That’s what you are doing! You are moving to your wave! From a fiscal point of view it’s brilliant- because there are only two ways to make money: make it and save it. The attorney fees alone are bleeding you dry with little returns, that alone makes you stronger. Also, can you imagine all the mental energy and time you will gain not having to perennially spend so time and effort much on CF matters?! With equally low results?! Damn rollercoaster!
    I wish I had wise words for you regarding legal matters but I have none, but I hope I remind you of a truth that sometimes gets lost in the middle of chaos: where you are now is not where you’re going to be forever. Of that I’m living proof. Take it from a Mama whose autistic son didn’t say the word until he was 6 and now is a 29 year old who goes to work on a bike and supports himself in his own beautiful, Everything in place apartment. Take it from a Mama whose daughter went to University when we didn’t have the money but with student loan graduated last year a veterinarian. Take it from a woman who lost her health in an accident she wasn’t responsible for, lost 3 years to depression after a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and neck osteoarthritis from the impact, gained half her weight because of medicines, became a recluse until the day she said NO MORE and got off them, did a damn hard radical diet to lose it, decided nothing is more important than health, not even the comfort of food, started walking, then running and doing Pilates and is now an athlete despite living with pain. Dear Sweet Sam, one day also you will look back at this difficult time from a very different place and wonder how it all came about, it will seem a miracle! And somebody will come along and your story will give them hope, just as you do now sharing your life with your readers. Hold on loosely, Mama! Ride that wave you just took to a beautiful shoreline!
    I am always always dearly rooting for youXO Many many blessings!XO
    Raquel Ileana

    Liked by 3 people

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