Are You Grateful For Child Support?

Once again I am reading the debate board I have kept up with for the last ten plus years. Right now a pious little bitch who has never been divorced is talking about how it “irks” her when “single moms” complain about how their ex is doing nothing or is only doing the bare minimum. Naturally she doesn’t have to worry about ever getting divorced because they are so in love even after twenty years and she makes an effort to work on her marriage, unlike all of us who are divorced and who naturally didn’t love our spouses and didn’t put in the great effort she does. This particular person also likes to talk about how if she were to ever divorce (but she won’t!) she would end up with permanent alimony (as much of her husband’s salary as it would take to equalize their earnings) and generous child support. The difference is she would make sure her child knew that Daddy was a good provider and he paid child support.

Yeah, something tells me that if the love of her life dumped her for another woman the last thing she would thinking of would be to make sure her kid knew what a great provider Daddy was. Also, it’s a lot easier to hypothesize when you’re walking around in $80 t-shirts, $90 leggings and $100 flip flops than when your whole standard of living has been decimated.

Nonetheless I do let my kids know their dad pays support. They are completely aware that him paying allows me to do things for them. They’re also aware I’m not able to do as much as before because he’s modified spousal support on his own and shorted me almost $11,000 this year. They also know when he doesn’t pay because that’s when shit gets real and nothing happens for them because I’m not able to do it.

I’m sure the whiney little bitch from that board would say that while you should thank them profusely, be subservient in your gratefulness, and always let your children know what an awesome provider Daddy is she would be horrified at the notion they might be told when Daddy wasn’t being such a great provider. Oh no! Keep that shit to yourself. The kids don’t need to know any of that.

Someone else chimed in and said she was always grateful that her ex paid child support in full and on time. “Gratitude and appreciation are good things,” she opined.

The nitwit replied, “You’re one of the good ones,” to which this other person said that she had to make the decision to be that (grateful and appreciative?) despite what her husband did (he cheated and left for the OW) because she loved her children.

Give me a fucking break. Do those of us working two and three jobs or donating plasma after work twice a week not love our children as much as her because we don’t fawn all over our exes for following the goddamn court order?

They’re not doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. At least mine isn’t. He’s doing it because he’s court ordered to. And in his case, he changed the fucking court order all on his own. Repeatedly. So why the hell would I be grateful for that?

You want me to be grateful? Do something above and beyond. Don’t short change me and then bitch because I didn’t say thank you for the little bit you were willing to do.

I’ve been on both ends of it. I’ve received significant and not quite as significant amounts of child and spousal support. I’ve not received a dime for almost a year. I’ve also received his modified support, the amount of which he chose based upon on his own whim. Is it easier when he pays? Of course it is! Am I going to text him each time he sends a payment and thank him? No, I am not. Why not? Because it’s what he’s supposed to do. If he ever shocks me and does something beyond what the court order asks for then I’ll consider thanking him. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to thank a person for doing what they’re supposed to do. Thank you for paying that medical bill so quickly! Thank you for paying your self-modified child support! Thank you for paying the amount of spousal support you are willing to pay!

I’ll be the first to admit that when I received that $900 after he told me he had lost his job again I was ecstatic. That $900 meant Picasso and I could eat. It meant he got to continue to take his cello lessons. It meant I didn’t have to run out and get a second job.

The next month when I got $1500 for spousal support in addition to the child support I was stunned.

According to those two lovely ladies I should have been falling all over myself to let him know how grateful I was that he sent me money. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Only… that wasn’t quite correct. He wasn’t unemployed and scraping together whatever he could between severance packages and unemployment. He had a new job. He was keeping that fact a secret from me so that he could pay me what he felt like. After all if I thought he wasn’t working and he was sending me anything then I wouldn’t complain. He could move into a nice, big, fancy house and have plenty of money for whatever he wanted because he wasn’t paying his court ordered support. He was paying his Jerry Lee sanctioned support. Had I thanked him and told him how grateful I was for the amount he was willing to pay I would have been a joke. Jerry Lee and Harley both would have laughed at me and my stupidity. “We’re playing that dumb bitch like a fiddle and she’s thanking us! She thinks he’s still not working and she’s so happy he’s sending something at least.” Yes, they would have been laughing all the way to the bank. And on their vacation. And while they ran around naked in their nice big house.

I’m still not sure he would have sent anything if I hadn’t emailed him two weeks after he dropped the bomb and told him he needed to send something. I’m absolutely certain he would still be shorting me $700/month on my alimony if I had not called him out on having a job. But sure, let me thank him for sending support.

Her insistence on us being grateful for that which is legally owed to us triggers flashbacks and jogs memories. Like the fact that I had thanked him.

Oh yes. Back in 2016. He had only been paying his new court ordered support (an amount much higher than he was expecting to pay, I should add) for a few months. The check hadn’t arrived so I texted him to see what was up. After all, the prior month the check had been “lost in the mail”. That’s when he told me I should get a job. Up until that point I hadn’t communicated with him much. Less is more when it comes to him. But that day I was feeling a little feisty so I told him I would take his comments under consideration; in the meantime I would hate to have to file contempt of court charges.

Let me tell you, that really set him off. I take that back. He took that one like a champ. Informed me I needed to think about what I was saying because I totally lived off of him and if he was in jail and couldn’t pay then I would be ruined! Ruined, I tell you! It was when I informed him that was a chance I was willing to take that he went off. At one point he told me I should be a little more grateful because I had a great life thanks to him and I needed to appreciate that shit!

As you can imagine that went over very well with me. Naturally, because I am just a very submissive person who only aims to please I felt compelled to thank him.

… Oh thank you! Thank you for letting me follow you around the country for 20 years. Thank you for moving us 2000 miles [away], tearing the kids away from their friends, shattering Rock Star’s dreams of getting a gymnastics scholarship, and taking Picasso away from hockey all so you could take your “dream job” that you left after 18 months and so you could fuck your cousin. Thank you for abandoning your kids and leaving us in financial ruin. Thank you for paying your court ordered support. Anything else you want to be thanked for? Oh here’s another one. Thanks for showing naked pictures of me to the whore. Thanks for pretending to be Daddy of the Year to her kids while you ignore your own. THANK YOU! Is that better? Do you feel appreciated now?

He didn’t like that either. I would like it noted though that I did thank him for paying his support.

That’s the problem. So many of these cheaters think that everything they do should be greeted with praise and unending thankfulness. They conveniently forget all of the shitty things they’ve done. Poor wittle Jerry Lee doesn’t seem to remember cutting us all off financially while he ran back and forth between Virginia and Kentucky, blowing through over $30,000. The fact that he moved out of the damn state without saying a word to his kids has totally escaped his mind. He doesn’t seem to remember forcing us to move out of our home or his kids having to transfer schools. He has forgotten not paying a dime in child or spousal support for 10 months while he cleared out his unfrozen 401k and shacked up with Harley. The fact that he has never driven up to see his kids one single time in the four years since he moved out has completely slipped his mind. I wonder if his memory could be jogged so that he remembers cutting off support for his daughter the moment she graduated from high school or cutting child support in half despite knowing that’s not the way it works? I wonder if he realizes he’s not actually paying me what he owes me, but is instead paying whatever he feels like paying?

Probably not, but he sure does want praise and thanks each and every time he does something he’s court ordered to do. He wants praise and thanks every time he does something, period. Fuck the court order! Jerry Lee paid me what he felt he should. All hail Jerry Lee! Hell, two months after he deserted us in Virginia for the green incestuous pastures of Kentucky he was boo-hoo’ing about how he was doing the best he could for us.

Jerry Lee: Yes. It is the same program. I am doing my best to make sure all of you are taken care of whether you believe it or not.

Me: I’m not sure what, “That’s what they did at PCA” makes you think I’ve somehow insulted you. I was agreeing with you. There won’t be any cards.

Jerry Lee: I was just expressing my effort to take care of everyone. I didn’t take that as an insult. I simply added that at the end. Maybe I was searching for a little affirmation that I was doing the right thing.

Me: <<crickets>>

Affirmation for doing the right thing? What right thing? You passed that by a long time ago. You want to do the right thing? How about you not fuck your cousin, you dipshit? How about you not cheat on your wife? How about you not desert your kids without a single word? Like I said, that ship has sailed. You don’t get affirmation for doing the bare minimum after you fucked us over.

You think you’re making an effort to take care of everyone? Really? By cheating on me? By deserting your kids? By leaving us financially destitute? By blowing up our lives? Here’s a tip. Don’t move your entire family across the country and then, after buying a new house, new furniture, a new car, and putting a pool in the backyard, start fucking your cousin. You want to take care of people? Don’t cheat on your wife and abandon your kids. There’s nothing caring about any of that.

Am I thankful when he pays child support? Yes, I am. But I won’t ever thank him. I’m not thankful for him. I’m thankful he fears the law enough to pay. As we all know though he takes extreme liberties and isn’t nearly fearful enough. He plays straight and narrow for a bit and then he starts to see what he can get away with.

Am I thankful that he’s paying something instead of nothing? Absolutely. But I’m not going to thank him while he’s short changing me. It would be one thing if he came to me and said, “This is what I’m going through. Can we work something out?” but he never does that. He treats me with utter contempt. I’m not worthy of a conversation. I get no say in what happens. He makes the decision and I’m supposed to smile and thank him for being willing to pay anything. I get it. It’s really hard to continue to live your upper middle class lifestyle when you have to pay child support and spousal support to your ex. If he actually paid what he owed he might not be able to rent that fantastic new home, so far better for me to live on even less while Harley and the mulligans lifestyles are elevated to a level they’ve never had before in their life.

I’ll tell you what. Seeing as how I don’t call him out on every single shitty thing he does- oh let’s be serious. I don’t call him out on any shitty thing he does because it’s a waste of breath and time. But seeing as how I don’t call him out when he does something shitty to me or his kids, maybe he can put on his big boy pants and not whine and cry when I’m not falling all over myself to thank him for the little bit he is willing to do. If the pious little bitch from the debate board doesn’t like it… well, when her husband dumps her and starts playing around with support, she can thank him all day long and come back and tell all of us what a good little ex-wife she is. Until that day, though? She can fuck right off.

6 thoughts on “Are You Grateful For Child Support?

  1. See that is the thing about people who have opinions about stuff of which they know nothing…until you go through the experience of infidelity and divorce you have no idea what you would do or how you will feel or how frustrating it is when the person you loved and trusted becomes a person who is a stranger (and not a kind stranger either). It is all well and good for a smug, happily married lady to make judgments but the reality is that you can be doing “everything right” and your marriage can still blow up because a marriage is made up of two people. It takes two people to decide to get married and create a life together, but ONE person can decide to end that marriage based on whatever whim or need or want they have regardless of what their spouse needs or feels. Sometimes that decision is the best thing for everyone. Sometimes it is a selfish decision that can leave the spouse reeling. Until you go through a divorce, you have no idea what it is like. There is a lot of stigma and shame associated with divorce and infidelity – “what did you do to make your husband cheat on you?”, “Why aren’t you over it already?”etc – and judgy people (esp Judgy women) who have no idea what they are talking about just perpetuate the all that and make it harder to deal with when it does happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I absolutely agree. It’s very easy to say how you would react when you’re happily married and can’t ever imagine things going bad. To be fair, in this particular thread of hers she wasn’t so much commenting on the marriage part; it was the child support. She has always maintained children don’t cost that much and that $300-$350 a month would pay for at least half of their food and clothing.

      Throughout her time on this board people have warned her not to gloat and made comments about how she had better hope her husband never leaves her and abandons her son. Her response is always something along the lines of how he loves her and didn’t love the woman he got pregnant and had a child with (before he had ever met her), a child he pretty much walked away from until she insisted he get back into his life. They are still madly in love and she makes sure she makes their marriage a priority. It’s that kind of thing. Not, “Oh you’re divorced because you didn’t pay attention to your husband.” She’s still insufferable. We who have been through it know it only takes one person to destroy a marriage. We also are perfectly aware that some “perfect” marriages suddenly end and the betrayed spouse never saw it coming.


  2. People who react that way also believe that their husband will never cheat because …fill in the blank. And that blank usually implies that something the betrayed did caused the cheating. If they tell themselves their marriage isn’t like that, then they are safe. It’s bull shit mind magic. Like the married ow thinking she and her 4 kids would be supported by my wh if he left me, even though I own half of our businesses. Apparently our 3 kids didn’t factor into her wet hole math. None of it works in the real world. Fancy yoga pants lady thinks her bubble is safe, but as anyone who has suffered a sudden tragedy knows, no one is safe. The world doesn’t only pick on the bad people. And I’ll confess that I thought my marriage was safe too, although I wasn’t smug about it I hope. However: spouting that crap on a message board tells me she may be trying to convince herself that everything is awesome. She probably is terrified of any blemish on her Pollyanna life. Fuck her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It has to be the most frightening thing in the world when you finally realize and accept that you do not control someone else’s behavior. I think most people walk around thinking, “If I do this, then this will happen. If I avoid this then this will never happen.” To find out you can be the most perfect partner imaginable and still have someone cheat on you and/or leave you must be terrifying for people like that.

      To be fair, as I wrote to Karla below, this post was about child support and very little was said about her marriage. It’s a culmination of things she’s written over the years. She thinks she’s immune, too, because they’ve been together 20 years. I don’t participate on the board; I’m a read only type of person. But even if I did comment I’m not sure I’d have it in me to break her little heart and let her know that so called “gray” divorce (marriages lasting 20 years or more and/or people 50 and older) is the fastest growing segment for divorce.


  3. Number one reason I don’t comment on posts like these is because Boundaries. I’ve been married for almost 31 years, who the hell am I to contribute about something I know nothing about? Worse, offer an OPINION. That woman has a very shitty attitude, how insulting!
    No two marriages are the same. There are no lists of do or don’t that will doom or make it last. Each couple is its own world.


    1. Yep. As I’ve said before, if I couldn’t make him eat a turnip or spend more time with us as a family, how in the hell was I supposed to keep him from cheating? In all honesty though I was more offended by her idea that we should be thankful and grateful for child support.


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