Still Hungry & Bitchy

I’m back and ready to complain some more.

I woke up and had 2 pieces of toast and an orange. Were you aware that a large orange has 85 calories in it? That’s almost a quarter of the calories that I’m allowed to have at each meal. Two pieces of toast with a little bit of butter and an orange ran me just under 400 calories.

Because all I had for breakfast was a stupid orange and two pieces of toast I was hungry again in about an hour. Imagine that. So I had another two pieces of toast. I’m now left with 732 calories for the day. The entire day.

What did I do? I didn’t eat. Picasso and I went downtown around 3:30 in the afternoon to play Pokemon. We ended up meeting some other people and doing some raids. We called it quits around 6:30 and went out to eat.

I went to Chili’s again. Got the same thing, minus the shrimp. I’m over 248 calories for the day. Hooray for me. My lovely little diary told me that I am on track to lose 7 pounds in 5 weeks if I keep starving myself like I am. Well that’s great news.

To top off the day we crossed the street and went to the grocery store to buy lunchmeat for the boy and so that I would have something to eat tomorrow that will fit within my ridiculous limits.

I’m perusing the aisles. The yogurt parfait that I love with the fruit and granola? The large one is 290 calories. I put that back. I already have almonds in my drawer and I’m always hungry in the morning so I’m going to have a serving of those. They are around 180 calories for what I consume so I can’t have both the yogurt parfait and the almonds later as a snack because that’s 470 calories and I’m now over my stupid 400 calorie limit, which would mean I have to cut somewhere or get my ass to the gym so I can not complete the next day of C25K.

I checked out the bagged salads. The entire bag counts as 3.5 helpings and they all have about 150-160 calories per serving. It’s lettuce, for crying out loud!

I’m at work. I’m not going to be able to take it home. I’m not going to measure it out. Ultimately I’m going to eat the entire salad, which means I’m consuming over 500 calories on a salad. A fucking salad! That also means I need to cut calories on another meal, which is already ridiculously low in calories.

What the fuck is left? I peruse the frozen food aisle. Almost all of the frozen entrees are over 250 calories for a ridiculously small portion of food. I scratch those off my list. I can have 2 Jimmy Dean egg frittatas for 260 calories. My thinking (my hope, my prayer) is that the eggs, meat, and cheese in those 2 little egg muffins will provide enough protein that I won’t be hungry again until lunch at 1. If I do get hungry again and have those almonds I’m going to be over my calorie count. It probably won’t hurt me as much tomorrow because I plan on going to the gym, but on those days that I don’t go to the gym I can’t afford it.

I check out the oatmeal. I don’t really like oatmeal but, once again, my hope is that if I eat it it will stick with me long enough to get me to lunch. I find one that is less than 200 calories. I’ll give it a try.

I bought some string cheese. It’s 80 calories for one single piece of cheese. Who the hell has only one piece of string cheese? I just said, “Fuck it!” and bought it anyway. I may eat it. I may not. It’s one big adventure, isn’t it?

I decided to see what the calorie count was for a regular yogurt. I finally broke down and purchased a four pack. 70 calories per yogurt cup.

I found some individual cottage cheese cups. Of course the ones with fruit were higher in calories so I stuck with the original. 110 calories for less than a cup.

I also found some individual cans of chicken noodle soup. A whole 7 ounces, which is less than a cup once again, for 60 calories.

So tomorrow I’m going to have those egg frittatas- 260 calories. I’m probably going to have a handful of almonds to tide me over until lunch- 180 calories. For lunch I’m planning on taking the soup, an orange, and a pudding. Grand total of calories- 205 calories. I’m taking along 2 pieces of string cheese to eat on a break in the afternoon- 160 calories. I’ll go to the gym after I drop Picasso off. Try once again to complete whatever the task is for Week 7 Day 1 on the 825 calories I’ve eaten throughout the entire day. Then for dinner I guess I’ll have another orange and some cottage cheese. Maybe another not-quite-a-cup of soup. 1060 calories. Not a complete meal to be had. I’m sure I will be delightful.

If I’m told one more time that I’m not really hungry and it’s all in my head I will probably kill somebody. No, when my stomach is burning and growling I am hungry. It is not my goddamn imagination. I know the difference between eating because you’re bored and eating because you’re hungry. When you’ve had one fucking meal all day you tend to be hungry around 6 or 7 o’clock. And when you’ve had one meal all day and you’re finally allowing yourself to eat again only you can’t have more than 800 calories which means you can’t eat anything that looks good to you or you risk going over your calorie count, you’re probably still hungry. And pissed off at the world.

I did a little research, too, because I find this 1200 calorie program to be bullshit. What I discovered through the Google god is that 1200 calories is actually the minimum that women should consume. Anything lower than that and they risk going into starvation mode. For anyone familiar with weight loss you know that once your body enters starvation mode your metabolism slows down, making weight loss more difficult. It also means that whenever you consume more calories your body hangs onto them because it has no idea when you’re going to get another meal. This program says, “Hey! I’ve got a great idea. Let’s take her right above starvation mode. That’ll be fun!”

I’m giving this until Thursday when I go out for sushi with my family. I intend to try it all and to enjoy myself. I’m giving it until then only because I’ve already bought food for this bullshit. After that I’m switching over to low carb. I like that a whole lot better than restricting calories.

They Lie

Have you ever heard people in the health and fitness industry tell you that making small changes can make a huge difference?

Yeah, me too. They’re liars.

Small changes do not bring about anything. Not a pound. Not an inch.

I have a very sedentary life. I work a job where I sit at a desk all day. On top of that we have deadlines, so it’s not like we can just get up and walk around and “unchain ourselves” so to speak. I have gained at least 20 pounds since working in this new department.

In July the mobster introduced me to Pokemon Go. This is a game that involves a lot of walking around. Shortly after I got back from learning about this game I found out that there is a Veteran’s Park about a 5 minute walk away with 7 PokeStops and gyms. Until the weather got colder I walked over to that park twice a day, five days a week, instead of sitting in a break room with my feet up, reading. Sure, there were times I was swamped with work and didn’t get two breaks. There were even times I didn’t get a single break, I’m sure. But the point is most days I walked over and back, twice a day. Five minutes there. Walking amongst all the PokeStops and gyms to spin them. Five minutes back. Twice a day. Twenty minutes. Small change. Did not register a single pound as far as change goes.

Six weeks ago I started doing the C25K program. It’s not strenuous right off the bat but it is more activity than I was doing. Three nights a week I’m exercising for 30 minutes. Small change. Do you want to take a guess as to how much weight I’ve lost? The answer is zero.

The mobster also started the C25K program 6 weeks ago. He also downloaded MyFitness Pal and religiously inputs his food and exercise into the app. He has lost over 20 pounds.

I realize he’s a man and men lose weight more quickly. I’m not even upset about that. My point is this: He hasn’t made small changes. First, he’s running much faster than I am, he completes each running segment, which I don’t, and in addition to that, he has drastically cut down how much he eats. He skips breakfast or has a smoothie. His lunch is usually an apple, and there have been many times he’s gone home and steamed bok choy and kale for dinner. Yes, he mixes that up with something else, but nonetheless he’s not eating much. It’s not a small change. It’s a huge change.

My daughter has lost around 40 pounds since she went back to school in August. She’s working out now and uses MyFitness Pal as well, but the biggest part is she has to cook for herself and she doesn’t. She just doesn’t eat. Another big change.

This idea that you can make small meaningful changes is a big, fucking lie. I’m no better off for walking twenty minutes a day than I was when I was kicking my feet up and reading on my breaks.

I can run a goddamn 5k this April but it’s not going to matter. I won’t be one pound lighter. I can go to the gym 3 times a week and follow this running program or I can sit at home on my ass. I’m still going to weigh the same. Hell, I could probably train for and run a fucking marathon and I would still weigh the same.

I’m not the only one that has experienced this either. We have a weight loss challenge that is going to be starting up soon. One of the goals is to lose 20% of your body weight. The contest goes from March-July 3rd. I was talking to two ladies at work, to see if they were going to join, and telling them about my experience with doing the C25K program and not losing a single damn pound.

The one works out religiously with her husband after work. She changes at work and goes straight to the gym at least three times a week. She even eats vegetarian, and I often see her in the lunchroom eating her raw peppers and other veggies. She still struggles with her weight loss, her cholesterol, her blood sugar, and her blood pressure. She said it’s so frustrating at times. This is not new for her either. It’s been a long term program. She’s been doing it for over a year easily.

Another one said after she had her first daughter she lost a bunch of weight. She was running 3 miles every day pretty much but she still didn’t lose 20% of her body weight. Again, that’s not a small change. Running 3 miles every day is a big change.

And those fucking bitches on the weight loss commercials where they tell you they’ve lost 20 pounds and 8 dress sizes? I hate them.

Years ago (and sadly, I do mean years- Picasso was 2 at the time) I did low carb. I lost like 30 pounds. Would you like to guess how many dress sizes I lost?

The answer is one. One dress size. Thirty fucking pounds and I could say I went down one whole size. Awesome.

At the rate I was going I would have had to have lost 60 pounds to lose 2 dress sizes and 180 pounds to have lost 3. I would have been close to my birth weight if I had lost 180 pounds.

Part of it is how I store weight. I’m not one of those people with a fat ass. I don’t have huge arms or legs. I’m an apple shape. All my fat is stored in my hips, my stomach and my thighs.

When I lose weight guess what’s the first to go? First, it’s the boobs. As we all know that doesn’t help you fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Then it’s a two way tie between my face and my ass. I guess I’m not bothered by my face losing the weight, but even when my already flat ass shrinks even further it doesn’t translate into fitting into a smaller pair of pants. It’s all about the stomach and that shit doesn’t budge.

Thirty pounds and I went down a dress size.

This is all so frustrating. Everyone around me seems to manage. They’re all losing weight. I skip the fries. I try to eat healthier. It doesn’t matter. I don’t lose a fucking pound.

I finally tried MyFitness Pal. In order to lose a pound a week I need to restrict my calories to 1510. It will take me over a year to even get down to respectably fat. I will not meet my BMI requirements and I won’t be anywhere close to where I should be. In order to lose 1.5 pounds a week they take me down to 1260 calories a day and if I want to lose 2 pounds a week I can only have 1200 calories, which seems a little strange to me. The dip is pretty severe from 1 to 1.5, but it’s only a difference of 60 calories to go from losing 1.5 pounds to 2 pounds a week.

The first day I went over by 165 calories even with running. I gave myself credit for 205 extra calories although I didn’t pay attention at the gym because I didn’t think I would be doing this.

I had a package of crackers and a handful of almonds for breakfast. I can’t imagine that having bacon and eggs would be fewer calories, but maybe I’ll be shocked. I had a turkey bacon club, a side of potato chips and a pickle spear for lunch. That was over 400 calories. I only get 400 per meal at this rate. For dinner I ate honey teriyaki chicken over rice. I know I had more than what would be considered a single serving. That’s it. That’s all I had and I’m over my calorie allotment for the day.

There was nothing really fantastic that I had. It wasn’t a ton of food by any means. There was nothing sweet. Nothing that tasted amazing. I didn’t down a whole bag of potato chips or an entire pan of brownies. And yet I was still over. I’m not even on track to lose a pound and a half because remember, the difference between losing 1.5 pounds vs. 2 pounds is only 65 calories. I’m on my way to losing a single pound in a week if I keep this up. I’m also pretty sure that’s only if I exercise every day. Otherwise I’m not even on course to lose a pound.

The second day was not looking much better. I was at the gym for 50 minutes, running and walking. Burned a whopping 356 calories. Came home and had 2 scrambled eggs and 2 pieces of toast with some butter. That was 335 calories. I didn’t eat before I went to the gym around 10:30 so breakfast was really lunch. I had one meal and one snack of Jell-O sugar free pudding- another 60 calories. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner at Chili’s. I had a little over 1100 calories left. I figured I would probably have a bowl of broth and a side salad with lettuce and tomatoes only. No dressing. In my terrible, horrible, no good will possibly come of it mood I was sure that would probably put me over!

Oops- that’s 1400 calories! You’re over for the day.

With a goddamn side salad and a bowl of broth?

Well, the broth did have specks of chicken in it and we added a crouton to your salad. So yes, 1400 calories. Sorry, Fatso. Good luck tomorrow!

I ended up having the 6 oz. sirloin with a half an order of shrimp, the loaded mashed potatoes, broccoli, and a side salad. That was nice, but it came at the price of me being hungry all. fucking. day. long. I ended up having diet Coke instead of a flavored iced tea like I usually get because I couldn’t afford the calories. I certainly couldn’t get a margarita. I had to starve myself in order to go out to dinner, and honestly, if I had gotten up earlier and gone to the gym so that I ending up eating breakfast and lunch, I wouldn’t have been able to eat what I did for dinner. I would have ended up having to choose something that I didn’t want because it was the only thing that fit within my daily allotment of calories.

I HATE this fucking program. Basically it’s, “Hey! You get to be hungry. All. The. Time.” Unless you want to eat bok choy and kale all the time, and I don’t. Nor do I consider a large bowl of broccoli to be a satisfying meal. I hate cucumbers. I do not like radishes. I do not like raw peppers. All of these very low calorie foods I typically do not like. Fruit is not low calorie. An orange is anywhere from 60-80 calories, depending upon its size. That’s almost 25% of my calorie count for each meal. I snack on an orange, I need to reduce one of my meals. And that orange is not going to fill me up for two or three hours.

I get 400 calories a meal and no snacks on this program, unless I exercise. Or, I go down to 300 calories a meal with two snacks a day. There is not one goddamn thing out there that I find filling and satisfying for under 400 calories. I mean, look at my lunch on Day One. The turkey bacon club alone was 400 calories. That’s it. That’s all I get. Then I get to wait until dinner and have myself another sandwich. Sandwich only, though. No chips. No pickle spears. No dessert. No snacks. Hell, not even a celery stick or two. And dip for the celery sticks? Shut your mouth! You don’t get to eat anything that tastes good, or that you enjoy! You’re trying to lose weight.

So much for fifty-fun. I’m a raving bitch when I’m hungry and I foresee being hungry a lot. I did Weight Watchers for a few months before I got pregnant with Picasso. I was always hungry. To this day, eighteen years later, I still remember going out for lunch and getting a BBQ chicken sandwich and telling my mom, “This is the first time since I started doing this that I’ve actually felt satisfied after a meal.”

That brings up another point. When I did Weight Watchers those many moons ago people who weighed more were given more calories, or points, and as you lost weight you had fewer points. Is that how MyFitness Pal works? Because if so I’m fucked. I’m already a cranky fucking bitch at 1200 calories. If I lose 20 pounds (you know, in the next 6 months) and they take me down to 1000 calories or less, I’m going to be homicidal. If you think I’m a bitch now just wait until they tell me, “Guess what? You’re doing so well we’re taking you down to 300 calories a meal! And no snacks!”

I suppose my other solution would be to work out 2 hours every day so I might actually be able to have a side salad with my handful of nuts. Of course I have a full time job and a teenage son who doesn’t drive yet so I’m picking him up two to three nights a week and sometimes am not home for the night until 6:30 or later. Plus he expects me to cook for him for some reason. And that’s always a lot of fun. Cooking for others when you can’t eat because everything in the world besides fruits and vegetables puts you over your daily allotment of calories.

This whole thing is so depressing. First, you realize that virtually everything that tastes good makes you fat. You no longer scan the menu looking for something that sounds good; you look for something with as few calories as possible. So instead of a ground beef burrito you choose rat entrails and shit stew. Because it’s low in calories. It doesn’t taste good. You hate it. But you eat it because it’s the only thing you can eat within your calories. And because you didn’t enjoy it at all, you’re hungry again in an hour or two but you can’t have anything else to eat unless you want to go exercise for an hour so you can have that string cheese to tide yourself over until morning when you can eat an orange and let that get you through until lunch. Hungry. All. The. Time.

Second, you realize that while you might find something that is under 800 calories a serving, the serving size is actually really really tiny and it will come nowhere close to filling you up. Yes, that can of soup you’re going to heat up? That’s actually two servings so either pour half of it out or double your calorie count. I know you thought you were going to have crackers and maybe some veggies on the side but you can no longer afford those. Those grilled chicken Caesar salads that you think are so good for you? Well, those are more like three servings so you need to triple your calorie count! Guess what? You don’t get to eat 400 calories at dinner anymore! Enjoy a cup of broth instead.

Third, you realize you will never have a piece of cake, a bowl of ice cream, chips and salsa, pizza, or sushi ever again. There are too many fucking calories in it so there is no way to have it. period. and be able to stay within your calorie count even if you went to gym at 8 that night and worked out for the next four hours to try to gain some extra calories.

Why is getting fat so easy and getting skinny so hard? Oh, I know. Because exercise is hard and exhausting, and sitting on your ass watching television or writing blog posts is very easy and relaxing. Some food is delicious, like juicy burgers, sushi, chips and salsa, chocolate cake with vanilla icing, meatloaf. Other food sucks, like cucumbers, peppers, plain salads with no dressing. Fat is fun. Skinny is bitchy. It’s starvation and deprivation and a world of bleak gray.

Seriously, I am starting to question whether or not it’s even worth it. I could die fat, happy and young, or I can live to a ripe old age as a cranky bitch.