I have tried to write this twice before. Each time it gets very dark and angry. We’ll see how the third attempt goes.
If you haven’t already heard the governor of Virginia has called for a shelter in place order until June 10th. Yes, that is correct. June 10th. More than 2 months from now.
I had planned on spending a week of vacation with the mobster. I see the man a handful of times throughout the year and most of those times we see each other for less than 48 hours. I don’t usually get to wherever it is we’re meeting until sometime between 10 and 11 at night on Friday. We have all of Saturday and then depending upon the time of year we leave to return home sometime between noon and 3. Occasionally we’ll have a longer bit of time but for the most part that’s what we get. So, out of the 14 days of personal and vacation time I get, I like to take 5 of those days and spend them with the mobster. It’s the one time each year I get to do that.
My vacation was slated to begin May 22nd, about 2 weeks before the governor’s order is up. Yes, I could violate the order. I’m generally a rule follower but I could tell the governor to fuck off, get in my car or on a plane, and go to Virginia. I might not be able to actually get into Virginia but I could attempt it. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.
Maybe the governor will rescind the order. Maybe things will get a lot better a lot sooner than everyone is thinking. I sure hope so. Because this separation sucks. It sucks a lot.
I feel like Sally Field’s character at the end of Steel Magnolias. I’m just so angry. I want to hit something. I want to hit something and make it feel as bad as I do. That pretty much sums it up. She couldn’t do anything about her daughter dying and I can’t do anything about this stupid COVID-19 and the havoc it’s wrecking. It’s kind of like my divorce. All those horrible things forced upon me and I had no choice but to keep going and hope that eventually it would get better.
So I’m trying to be optimistic and upbeat. Honestly, what good does being pissed off, sad, and/or angry do? It doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the spread. It doesn’t make the governor open up the commonwealth. It doesn’t make life go back to normal. No, you’ve just gotta hang on and ride out the wave. Nothing else to do. With that in mind I’m trying very hard to adopt a, “WTF ever,” attitude.
Vacation canceled? Oh well. No big deal. I’ll go next year. Can’t see the mobster for 3 months? Who cares? I’ll see him in six months, I guess.
The problem with this is I don’t do Zen real well. Oh, I can. I definitely can do it. It’s just that every time I have it’s boomeranged back and hit me in the ass. The pool that took 10 weeks to complete instead of the promised 3? After telling myself not to sweat it and I would have it for years to come I got to enjoy it for 6 days before my life blew up. Garnishing Mr. Jackass? After telling myself it would all be worth it and he could never fuck with me again I’m right back at square one. He’s moved to yet another state and I still don’t have a garnishment order. I probably never will. He will do whatever the fuck he wants to do until the end of time. So… telling myself not to stress and that I’ve got all the time in the world or we’ll spend the rest of our lives together one day, doesn’t really work for me. Mainly because I’ve never seen it come to fruition.
I suppose I should be thankful that our relationship is so strong that we can withstand a three to four month separation. I’m sure a lot of people couldn’t, especially in this day and age of immediate gratification.
I mean, we already get a raw deal. Our spouses walked out on us, leaving our kids behind. We’ve both chosen to do the right thing by our kids instead of creating yet more turmoil in their lives. This means instead of moving our kids we’re remaining 10.5 hours apart. Because of that we get to see each other typically every 2-6 weeks. Usually more like every 3-4 weeks. And we get ONE full day. One. I’m sure no one expected it to last but here we are- almost 3 years later.
Will it suck if I have to cancel my vacation? Yes. Will it suck if I don’t get to see him until late June? Yes. Yet what am I going do? Absolutely nothing. Grin and bear it. Try not to think about it.
I’m thankful I’m not a teller and going through this. A week lasted forever because I was always so bored. At least with my current job the week tends to go by somewhat quickly. When I was a teller I would go crazy when it was three weeks or longer before we could see each other because each week was agony. It went by so slowly. It was like our weekend together was never going to get there.
We’ve said many times that we probably talk more than most couples who live together. I call him every morning on my way to work. We FaceTime at lunch. We FaceTime again at night. Sometimes those conversations don’t last very long. Sometimes there’s a fourth call. Or a fifth. Sometimes we’re doing other things while we talk. But we do talk. A lot. Again, probably a lot more than most people who live together.
I’m thankful we’ve got FaceTime and email and text messaging and free long distance. Years ago I dated another guy from Virginia. He was my first love. We wrote letters to each other. Every week. Aside from that initial meeting I think we got together two, maybe three times more. There was no texting. Not even phone calls. Long distance was expensive back then. Ironically, we reconnected four years later. I think I did see him a few more times that time around, and we did talk on the phone. Long distance was still expensive but we both had jobs. Our phone bills were outrageous! So yes, I’m definitely thankful for technology. Even though I’m not right by his side every day it is still very easy to feel connected to the mobster when I talk to him and am able to see him via video each day.
I’m not going to think about it. If I can’t go next month I’ll cancel my vacation days. Even if I can go I’m still not going to think about how far in the distance that time is. It does me no good. It just depresses me. And makes me hate everyone who does get to be with their love. So I’m going to pull a Scarlett O’Hara and declare, “I’ll think about that another day.” I’m putting my head down and plowing onward.
I plan to do the same with everything else this stupid virus has effected. I know there are a lot of people at work that are complaining they aren’t letting us work from home. Honestly, I don’t care. I found that I’m very distracted working from home. I’m on my phone. I’m checking stuff out online. I’m not very productive. Maybe if I were swamped with work I would be more diligent but the day I worked from home for a few hours, I was not. I’ll continue going in, not that I have a choice in the matter. I’ll tell myself that parking two blocks away is good for me because I get my steps in. What a bonus for me! And I’ll continue to pack my lunch and eat downstairs in the atrium. Thank God that’s still open because otherwise I’d be out in my car eating. It saves me money. I’ll continue to stand where they want me to in the damn elevator and try to think of all of this as one grand adventure. A positive attitude is a wonderful thing! Call me Mary fucking Poppins. That’s me.
In all seriousness though I have everything I need to do my job. I have a fairly large work space. I’m six feet away from all my co-workers. I’m not working in a dungeon. If I can work up my nerve to go to the 2nd floor and get some snacks it might be okay.
I’ve got a job; I’m getting paid. I’m supposed to get a check for $1200, which I don’t technically need. Jerry Lee is paying his court ordered support. I’m putting money away so that I’m only living on spousal support and my pay.
I’m going to cut way back on Facebook because it’s driving me nuts. I can’t take the self righteousness and the sanctimony. No, we are not all self-quarantined at home! We are not all sitting at home on our asses, eating junk food and binge watching Netflix. End of story. I cannot even with those people.
I am going to try to catch up on my Hallmark Christmas movies. I’ve already watched three of them. I’ve got quite a few to go.
I’m going to keep running three times a week. Maybe I’ll even up it to four times a week.
Life will be back to normal one of these days. Eventually, I keep telling myself, the mobster and I will live in the same state. I’ll keep plugging along until then.