Polar Bear Down

I love polar bears. I collect them. I actually had a polar bear Christmas tree back in my old life.

It was just a regular little 3 foot tree. My former sister-in-law had gifted me with a set of polar bear lights, knowing that I liked polar bears. I had accumulated polar bear ornaments over the years, as well. Eventually I had so many that I bought the little 3 ft. tree and put all of my polar bears on it.

As you can probably imagine it hasn’t seen the light of day since 2014 or 2015. I really couldn’t remember how much decorating we did for Christmas in 2015 because that was the year Jerry Lee was busy fucking his cousin and the kids and I headed to Indiana to spend the holidays with my family. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out I did not pull out the tree.

Regardless, every year I would put the tree, ornaments and all, right back into the wardrobe box we had. The tree fit effortlessly into it and when Christmas rolled around the following year I only had to pull it out, fluff out the branches, and maybe place a few of the ornaments that had fallen off back on.

This year I finally decided to bring it out again. We had space for it so may as well bring it out of the box and let it spread a little holiday cheer.  Only…. when I pulled the tree out of the box there were no ornaments on the tree. The polar bear lights were still on, and the silver beads I used as garland were still wound around the tree branches. But no ornaments.

I even ended up hauling in my box of ornaments for my own tree and going through the entire box of them to see if I had taken the ornaments off of the tree and wrapped them up with all the others. No dice. I found the heavy polar bears I had bought years and years ago as a full set with the dates on them. But I had accumulated so many polar bear ornaments that I eventually took those off of my polar bear tree and just put them on our regular tree. There were two others in the box as well, but that was it.

I don’t recall taking the ornaments off and storing them someplace else. My daughter swears she doesn’t have her ornaments either and they should be in a box someplace. So maybe they are. I tried looking through all the boxes out in the workshop but I didn’t see them. I didn’t get through all of the bins and boxes, and I didn’t take everything out of each box, so I suppose there’s some hope there. Then again, it may be the same thing that happened with Picasso’s Christmas nutcracker collection. I think they were up in the alcove in the garage and they got left behind. That sonofabitch.

When things like this occur I often find myself cursing his name. I whisper angrily to no one, “He wanted this. He chose this. He deliberately left everything behind. I didn’t choose any of this. It was all forced upon me.”

That doesn’t really help matters, does it?

I was in a funk for a little bit, mourning the loss of all of my polar bear ornaments that I had lovingly collected over the years- many of them gifts. Truthfully, I wanted to cry. I told the mobster what had happened and he assured me that we would get all new ornaments for my tree. They would be better and “gooder”. I didn’t want better or gooder. I wanted my old ornaments. The ones I had collected for many years. The ones I hadn’t seen in five or six years because I didn’t have any place to put my damn tree.

I think part of my problem is that I really do need to be dramatic and whiny first; then I can move on and do whatever the hell it is that I have to do. I really need to purge those feelings of disappointment first. I was thinking about that when I pulled the tree out and the ornaments were not there, and when I went through the entire bin hoping against hope that they would be safely wrapped up there. There was a fork in the road and I could play this one of two ways. I could be Pollyanna and tell myself, “They’re only ornaments. This will give you a chance to buy all new ones.” Kinda like the mobster said. Or, I could cry and throw a fit and declare that no polar bear ornaments would ever match the magic of the previous, now lost, ornaments. That was the way I was headed. Let’s just throw out the damn tree and forget about it. Take the few I have, stick them in a box, and give them to Goodwill.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, we were planning on going shopping so I didn’t have time to properly wail and gnash my teeth. Such a damn disappointment; however, in the end the shopping trip saved me. It took my mind off of my loss and I actually ended up buying a new ornament with a small polar bear on it while I was out. It certainly doesn’t make up for the dozens of ornaments I lost but it’s a start. I guess I’m learning to be a Pollyanna. Hooray for me?

6 thoughts on “Polar Bear Down

  1. This has absolutely nothing to do with polar bear ornaments, decorating trees or wayward exes fucking up absolutely everything.

    And yeah – a little Pollyanna is ok, but sometimes you just have to be mad for a while. Just don’t wallow in it.

    But this is the first pic of you I’ve seen in a while and I gotta say your efforts at dieting are so very noticeable in your face. Looking really good!!


  2. I’m sorry. And I agree. Sometimes we have to mourn and wallow a bit. This divorce stuff is bullshit.
    The mobster is awesome, but he is trying to fix things. Sweet guy. You are still allowed to be sad for a bit.

    Today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce, about 2 years since my ex got caught cheating. It is also my 7 years sobriety anniversary. Why does the world do this to me? I expect because both were things I didn’t want, but turned out to be the best things that could have happened. Grace from suffering.

    I found decorating complicated this year as we had too many family ornaments. Cleo and I decided to have a theme instead, so our treee is pretty blue and silver. We did add a few favourites, couldn’t leave mr henkey in the box, but it is different. I like it.

    I get sad thinking too much of the past as well. I think it’s important, as long as we can look at this years tree and remember making new, better memories.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. The weird thing is I never really considered throwing things out because of him. I got rid of all of our “First Christmas together” ornaments, of course, and one of the ones we got on our honeymoon, but so much of it had nothing to do with him. I bought the decorations. I picked them out. Most of the ornaments on the tree were either my ornaments from childhood or ornaments I bought while on vacation- mostly without him. I gathered all of his ornaments and left them for him.

      My polar bear tree had nothing to do with him. The sister-in-law was my brother’s former wife. I was the one that decided to do an entire tree of them and most of the ornaments either I bought or they were gifts from others.

      I’m still a bit bummed about it but I’m not going to wallow in it. What’s lost is lost. I can’t do anything about it. When the weather gets warmer I’ll go through all the bins outside and repack the stuff that is in boxes with the hope that maybe they’re out there. I doubt it though and I have no idea where I put them. Like I said, probably up in the rafters above the garage. That’s how the nutcrackers got left behind and God only knows what else.


    1. You are too kind.

      I’m trying to tell myself they’re just things. They can be replaced. It does suck though, and the thought of all of my daughter’s ornaments perhaps being lost as well… oh that makes my heart ache. So much love and thought put into purchasing each of those for her, commemorating something important in her life that year. Those, too, may all be gone. We shall see.

      Liked by 1 person

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