Everything Possible To Save the Marriage

Sometimes I shake my head. I get that everyone is on their own timetable. Honestly, I do. I also frequently hear the statistic that it takes, on average, a battered woman 7 attempts before she leaves her abusive husband. I know that there are things each individual, man or woman, has to deal with when considering whether to divorce or not: Does she (or he) have the financial means to leave? Will they be paying the cheating spouse if they divorce? Where will they live? Will they lose time with their kids? In some instances, can they protect their kids? So, I get it. 

In fact, there are times I want to scream at the pious people who chide a woman who stays, insinuating that the lifestyle she leads is why she puts up with it. Maybe it is, and if that’s the case then that’s her decision to make. But other times it’s because she doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t have a family member or friend willing to take her and her kids in. Maybe she is fearful about her children’s safety, or she doesn’t want to lose time with them and knows her husband will fight her on that if for no other reason than to hurt her. We all have our own path we’re on.

With that said I read a very sad tale from a woman who took her cheater back. It lasted about a year. And then he cleaned out the bank accounts and left with no notice. Right now she has no idea if she’s going to be able to keep the place she’s been living in. After she tells this story someone says to her: You need to know you did everything possible to save your marriage. Don’t feel bad. Only you know when you’ve had enough.

I read that and I thought, “Really?”  This woman has lost everything. Her husband is once again with his affair accomplice. The affair accomplice is encouraging him to fight for the land, despite him telling her she could have that. She’s encouraging him to fight dirty and to basically take it all and leave the wife with nothing. He cleaned out their bank account. Meanwhile, the wife has supported this man throughout their entire marriage as he’s a “brilliant” but struggling artist. Yet someone who has read her story and sees that “doing everything she could to save her marriage” has cost her her life savings once again applauds her for that and reinforces the message that everyone should do everything possible to save a marriage.

No. Just no. This is why so many of us implore those who have discovered cheating to get the hell out of Dodge. Don’t do everything possible to save your marriage. Don’t “stand for your marriage.” Don’t give them second chances (or third or fourth or fifth chances). Stop hoping that they will change and revert back to that wonderful person you once knew and loved. Trying to save a marriage and doing all that you can to save it is noble and wise when the issue isn’t cheating but when you attempt that with a cheater you are giving them entry into your life so that they can take advantage of you once again. They use that time to line up their ducks, to spend or hide all of the money, to put themselves into whatever position they want to be in. If you continue to do everything possible to save your marriage to a cheater you just may wake up one day and find out he’s cleaned out your bank account and you’re left with nothing. Don’t be that person. Please. For the love of God, don’t be that person.

Hello Again

Back in August I was ready to write a blog post asking what the hell had happened to the summer and how could it possibly be August already. Then I was going to ask how in the hell it could already be September. Next came my astonishment at the calendar turning to October. Now we’re into November.

I don’t know why I find it so shocking. I learned the months of the year way back in elementary school. I learned them in french in 7th grade. It’s not a hidden mystery. It’s not as though we started in January and then skipped to November. No, it follows a pattern. January followed by February followed by March and so on. But man, the time is flying by!

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I’ve still got a Halloween care package I need to send to my daughter before I eat all the Reese’s peanut butter cups and the mobster eats all the Kit Kats. Christmas is in less than 6 weeks. The new year will be upon us. Life has been happening at warp speed since the mobster moved up here.

It’s nice to get to see him on a regular basis, although our diets are going to hell. Way too many yummy restaurants to try. And don’t even get me started on his Culver’s habit. “Hey! Let’s go get some custard!”

We’ve been biking once and just started back doing the Couch to 5K program. It’s taken us over a week to get our three days in. We’re pitiful. But we keep plugging along. Our gift to each other this Christmas is supposed to be cross country skis. We plan on going this winter.

He is so cute. He loves the flat spaces. I won’t go so far as to say I hate it but I do think it’s kind of boring. I’ve always loved the mountains in Virginia and I did love my beautiful mountain views in Utah. Now that is something to be in awe of! But the flat land is a novelty to him. He’s always lived near mountains and is enjoying the unobstructed views.

He’s also fascinated by the corn and all the farms. He watches farming videos. He asked me not that long ago if I knew what a combine was. He proceeded to watch videos about them and thinks they’re amazing.

We saw Shinedown in concert back in September. We were familiar with some of their music, so we decided, “Why not?” It was a week night concert but we went and we had a great time. It was an outdoor concert at the baseball stadium and the lines for concessions were ridiculously long but we had a lot of fun nonetheless. They put on one helluva show and we are now both obsessed! The opening act for the opening act was Ayron Jones; the opening act for the main event was The Struts. We did general admission seating so we were packed into a space pretty close to the stage. We were the middle general admission, so up closer than the 3rd tier, but not as close as the 1st tier. It did mean standing all night, which was fine. I knew most of the songs they played and the ones I didn’t I quickly downloaded over the next few days. And I got a cool concert t-shirt.

Rock Star and her boyfriend came up over her fall break in October. We ate way too much food! I took her to her favorite Mexican restaurant one day and another day we discovered this delightful small batch distillery. She and I ended up doing a flight of shots which were all disgusting. I am not much for straight alcohol and I’m even less inclined when the primary flavoring is jalapeño. I did have 2 lovely mixed drinks. The Sweet Jesus was a mixture of vodka, cranberry juice, ginger beer, and lime. I’m a huge vodka cranberry fan but the flavor of the ginger beer was overwhelming. The next one I tried was called Winter Bayou and it was fantastic. I don’t even remember what all it had in it but I believe there was vodka, butterscotch, and pineapple, at a minimum.

Their food was incredible as well. She had a burger and the gentlemen both had the BBQ pork mac and cheese. I opted for a few appetizers. I chose the Brussels sprouts and the “truffalo wings” which was cauliflower coated in some sort of sirracha sauce and then deep fried. It was amazing!

All of us went to a nearby orchard on her last day with us and picked apples, blackberries, and raspberries. They had a small store on site as well so we ended up buying fudge, hard cider, cherry wine, and apple cider.

We’ve also spent time wandering around downtown, drinking coffee, exploring the parks (yet another thing he loves about this area), and watching Christmas movies.

In other news, my remaining dog, Milo Tim, is a neurotic mess. I realized he has never been the only dog in the house. On one hand I think he’s enjoying it because he gets all the attention now. On the other hand, getting him to go outside to potty is a Herculean task. The dog won’t leave the deck most mornings unless I go outside with him. He’s used to following one of the big dogs out, or if not following, at least waiting until they’re ready to head down the stairs before darting in front of them and finally heading down.

And finally, I apologize for the long spaces in between blog posts. Work is crazy and I’ve been working a lot of long hours, but more importantly, my computer is not cooperating with me.

I have a MacBook Pro. It’s the last Christmas gift I ever received from Jerry Lee, so obviously it’s old. Purchased in 2014. Right now it’s telling me I can’t post anything using Chrome. Or any other browser. So I type the post, email it to myself, and then copy and paste from my phone. It’s a fun little adventure.

I’ll do better. I promise. I have a ton to say, just not a lot of time to write it down and get it posted.