Another Married Until You’re Divorced Question

Disclaimer: For the purpose of this post I’m only talking about people who are married. For reasons that will be abundantly clear I’m not including people who are living together in long term relationships or even couples that have a longterm relationship but aren’t living together. I just can’t cover that many scenarios. Sorry!

I’m on a support group where the topic of dating comes up quite frequently so as you may guess I am quite frequently deluged with messages from well meaning pearl clutchers who insist that any dating done before the divorce is final is cheating and you (or the person you are dating) are no better than the cheater.

It made me wonder. They so often tsk, tsk, “Not divorced yet is still married.”

“Separated is not divorced. It’s still married.”

“Your soon-to-be-ex is still your husband.”

Does that mean if you’re engaged to someone they can’t cheat on you until after the wedding? You find out your husband to be fucked a hooker at his bachelor party. Or, you find out he hooked up with his ex constantly until the wedding day. Or maybe you find out that he would pick up women all the time on weekends out with his friends. None of this is cheating, right? You’re not married. You’re only engaged. Married is married.

People will often talk about finding out their spouse has been cheating on them throughout their entire marriage and many times they say they discovered their spouse had been cheating on them the entire time they were dating. How is that possible? They weren’t married.

I mean, if separated or in the process of a divorce equals still married, then shouldn’t engaged, and certainly only dating pre-engagement, count as not married? And if you should remain faithful to your lying cheater until those divorce papers come through then I don’t think it’s right to expect faithfulness when you’re not married yet. You know, if marriage is that great barometer of who is cheating and who isn’t.

I just find it slightly funny that everything that happens within a relationship, regardless of marital status, can be seen as cheating because of the commitment you’ve made to the other person. I think most people would label the act of your live-in boyfriend picking up another woman at a bar and going back to her place for sex cheating. Or your husband to be having sex with a hooker at his bachelor party. Why?

Because you two have a commitment. Doesn’t matter that you’re not married. Doesn’t matter that you’re not even engaged. You two had an agreement that you would be faithful. So marriage or no marriage that agreement should take precedence.

And yet for some reason that logic doesn’t seem to work for others in reverse. When it comes to ending a relationship the commitment goes out the window and it’s only the ink on those papers that matters

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