Sometimes I think I must sound like a real cold-hearted bitch. I see so many variations of, “No contact is so hard!” and every time I hear it I think to myself, “How is this difficult? You are being asked to do literally nothing. They tell you to perform open heart surgery? That’s hard. Not talking to someone? That’s easy.”
Of course you’re reading the words of a woman who lived in the same house as her cheating ex-husband and didn’t have more than 3 or 4 conversations in the entire 6 months that this was going on.
I guess for me I intuitively knew that nothing I said was going to mean anything. I knew nothing I said was going to change his mind. He didn’t care about what he was doing to me or to his kids, and like most fuckwits he wouldn’t have believed me even if he said he did care.
I see these people who pour out their hearts to these cheating monsters and all I can think is that they are handing them more ammunition to use against them. They bring up the affair partner. They tell them what a piece of shit they are. They tell them how much they’ve hurt their kids (that one is NEVER believed). They tell them how much they’ve hurt them and remind them of how much they’ve sacrificed and done for them over the years (they don’t care and they don’t appreciate it). They reveal way more than they should; they bare their tender underbelly to the enemy. I’ve said before I was way too proud to ever let Jerry Lee know he hurt me.
He texted me once, shortly after I found out about Harley, and asked me if I was okay. I remember texting back that no, I was not okay, and I proceeded to list all of the reasons I was not okay- starting with him moving all of us across the country and ending with him fucking his whore of a cousin. It was maybe a paragraph. And I ended it by telling him the time to worry about whether or not I was okay was before he did all the shit he did. Don’t worry about me now, bro. I’m prepared to handle this on my own from here on out.
Probably not my finest attempt at no contact or gray rock, but I got better. When I got his sad little missive about me removing all of his memories from our home and destroying all his clothes and us working together for the sake of the children and showing them how vital happiness is for us both… I simply replied that I had not destroyed his clothes; they were in the spare bedroom.
Oh believe me, there was a lot I wanted to say. I even typed it up. Added to it. Posted it here. But I didn’t bother with him. He wouldn’t have read everything I said. I had a sentence, maybe 2 or 3 to get everything across. And all those words would all have been precious kibbles to his ego. I’m sure they would have had a grand time reading it and dissecting my words together.
I get it. The cheater says something stupid or hurtful and the cheated on person feels compelled to make the cheater understand how much they have hurt them. If only you could just get them to see what they’re doing they would be sorry and stop doing it. So you try a dozen different ways to explain the same concept to this person. Because surely it’s a communication problem, right? If they truly understood how what they did was harming you and your precious children they would apologize and stop doing it, right?
Wrong! They get off on your pain. Your pain is delicious, addicting kibbles to them. They love it when you tell them how much pain you’re in because of them. Every time you mention the affair accomplice they get an intoxicating hit. Every time you beg them for help (which they won’t give you) they get another intoxicating hit. Every time you rage at them because they haven’t shown up, or they’ve shoved the affair accomplice in your face, or they’ve done some other douchey thing that fuckwit cheaters like to do, they get the sweet, tantalizing taste of victory kibbles. They matter! They’re central! They are still the sun around which you orbit. They are the most important thing in your life and you will never, ever get over them. This devastation which they wrought upon you will never be overcome.
So stop it! Cut them off. Starve that motherfucker.
And the back and forth arguing? Never argue with a fuckwit. You won’t win because facts and the truth do not matter to these people. Drop the rope. State what you are willing to do once and then shut it down. No answer is an answer. If it’s court worthy say it once and then take the jackass to court. If it’s not court worthy, just regular fuckwit shit either no answer, or if you’re worried about court I’ve got two favorites for you. #1- Noted. #2- Your attempt to portray me in a negative has been noted. Or you can go for #3 which is simply a thumbs up.
Finally, you need to reach deep inside and let go of this need to be liked and/or respected by the cheater. So often people ask how they can prevent them from trying to drag them through the mud, say horrible things about them, outright lie about them, and so on. Or the ever popular, “He says…”
Who gives a fuck what he says? He’s a lying, cheating sack of shit. You can trust exactly 0% of what he says.
He says if I go after child support I’m bitter and confrontational and that shows I’m only concerned about myself and not our child.
That’s nice. He also said he was going fishing with his best friend when in reality he was fucking a whore behind your back.
He says he’ll do the right thing by me and take care of me but we can’t involve lawyers.
He also promised to be faithful. How did that work out for you?
I don’t want him to say bad things about me.
He’s already saying bad things about you.
I feel like if I fight for what’s mine everyone in his family is going to think I’m greedy.
And? Honey, that’s his family. Chances are very great that even if they say you’ll always be a part of their family they don’t mean it. You look out for you and stop worrying about what everyone else is saying or thinking.
He’s telling everybody I cheated on him and I think they believe him.
Sweetie, find your tribe. The people in your tribe aren’t going to believe that shit because they know you. They know the truth. Those people that believe him? They aren’t your tribe.
I know that Jezebel will back her brother no matter what. I know she thinks I’m crazy and that he deserved so much better. And you know what? I don’t care. I do not give one single shit about her opinion of me.
I know that Blockhead fed him information and undoubtedly thinks I’m a horrible person. Rolls right off my back. Don’t care. From what The Saint said he and his wife have sucked up quite nicely to Harley. Again, don’t care. They are not people I would ever want in my life. Jerry Lee and Harley can have them.
I would be willing to bet that absolutely everyone that Jerry Lee has told his story to during and after our divorce has been led to believe that I am the most horrible, greediest, selfish bitch out there. I’m sure he tells them all I drug him back to court and siphoned money I don’t deserve out of him so that I can spend it all on my boyfriend. Undoubtedly there is a group of people out there who think I’m a horrible person. I know this will shock you but I don’t care. I do not have two fucks to give. I don’t know those people and I don’t care what they think about me.
The people that I do know? Well, if they really think I’m that person then I’m glad they’re out of my life. I think too often people want to “win them all.” You can’t.
The best gift you can give yourself is to trust that they suck. Once you honestly believe that it gets so much easier. Once you stop arguing with them, explaining to them, begging them, relying them on and you drop that rope it gets so much easier. Let them argue with themselves. Remove yourself from the equation. They’re not your monkeys, not your circus.
4 thoughts on “What Is So Difficult About No Contact?”
All so very true, Sam.
But I found NC INCREDIBLY hard.
I’m good now, but it took a long time. You see, I deeply, madly, passionately, loved him. I honestly thought he was “having a moment” and he’d wake up and realise that it was me, all along…
I got better, eventually. But he was my one and only. I thought my forever. I’m a dumbass. My heart struggled to keep pace with my head.
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Ohmygod, I love the way you write, you’re like the tough love best friend in the bathroom at the bar who slaps her friend for crying over a guy who’s dancing with another girl LOL
Tell it sister! Say it louder for the people in the back, too! “I don’t want him to say bad things about me…he’s already saying bad things about you” Priceless!!
Everything you say about his need for engagement is absolutely true. They feed off of your pain and suffering. The best part of my life began when I conquered “no contact”.
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Thank you. I’m glad you understand. I don’t look down on those people. It just breaks my heart to see them offering themselves up like lambs to slaughter.
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You and me both. I think a lot of my introverted ways really helped me with this. Because- I tend to need time with my thoughts. Talking doesn’t come easy. And I worry about the ramifications so I would rather say less and have fewer consequences… your statement: “Drop the rope.” They aren’t going to listen or hear. They aren’t going to see your point of view. And even if they did, to what fucking end? Even if they’re sorry… who gives a shit. They suck. Move along. Write a blog, full of letters to them. But don’t ever think that talking to them is ever going to actually get you ahead.
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