Just Wondering

I wrote a post almost three years ago entitled, “It’s a Partner Problem.” Basically, your partner cheats, you have a partner problem. I stand by that. As I said in that post, if your partner propositions ten different women and they all turn him down, you still have a problem. You’re with a guy who wants to cheat on you and eventually he’s going to find someone that is willing. It’s not on the other woman to keep your husband faithful. It’s on your husband. Switch genders as needed. Way too many people put all the responsibility on the affair accomplice and none on their own timid forest creature.

BUT, and this is a big one, that doesn’t mean I think the affair accomplice is an innocent angel. There are people out there who target married men. I think this is definitely more a woman thing because they want the lifestyle the man can provide. I don’t believe for a moment that the majority of affair partners have no idea the person is married. Yes, I believe it happens, but I don’t think that is the norm. And if they do know he’s married, they’re culpable. It’s unfortunate that so many people can’t understand how you can be upset with more than one person.

With all of that in mind I can say it really irks me when someone comes along and insists that the affair all falls on your spouse/partner and you shouldn’t blame the affair accomplice at all. They didn’t make vows. They don’t owe you anything. Yada, yada, yada.

Bullshit! Fucking a person you know is married is wrong. You’re culpable for that choice when you choose to do it. You are deliberately helping to destroy a person’s life. You are deliberately interfering in someone’s marriage. You are often times profiting off of all of the previous person’s work and/or support. You are damaging children.

Here’s what I’m wondering though. These people who say the other person owes us nothing… the ones who say we need to hold our partners accountable… I’ve got a question for them.

Let’s say someone propositions the mobster. Let’s take it a step further and say she knows I exist. Maybe we’ve even met. But this man stealing whore is going to go after him anyway. She tells him he’s so sexy, so charming, so funny, so handsome. She tells him she’s been pining after him. Maybe she even sells him a sob story about her own horrible marriage or relationship. She wants him bad! Only sex with him will make her happy. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Stick with me here.

Now let’s say the mobster does what he should and he tells her to get the fuck away from him, that he is totally devoted to me, and she repulses him. He makes it extremely clear he wants nothing to do with her and that it will never happen between them. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to tell me what happened or not but for the sake of this story let’s say he’s supposed to and he does.

Are those idiots really telling me that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who tried to seduce my boyfriend? Like, she wasn’t successful so move along? No harm, no foul? I don’t think so! Bitch was trying to put her hands on something that wasn’t hers.

Would their position in that case be I was right in being upset? Or are we right back to no harm, no foul? Cause I’ve gotta say it’s more than a little fucked up that when she tries to sleep with my partner and “steal him” away but is unsuccessful I’m free to be upset with her, but if she does sleep with him and he does leave me I’m supposed to shrug it off and only be upset with him. Because again, you can only be upset with one person.

Again, I think it’s ridiculous when the affair accomplice is held entirely responsible for everything. No, your partner chose to cheat. They chose to lie and gas light and deceive and steal and destroy you. The affair accomplice chose to help. And therein lies the rub.

If I mastermind a robbery or a murder I’m still culpable. Charles Manson spent the rest of his life in prison because of what other people did for him. He didn’t kill a damn soul. If my ex-husband hires a hitman to kill me they’re both going to go to jail. The hitman doesn’t get to say, “I made no vows. I didn’t promise her anything.” And Jerry Lee doesn’t get to say, “Hey, I didn’t pull the trigger.” Doesn’t matter. They were both involved. If my friend talks me into driving the getaway car while she runs in and robs a liquor store, I go to jail, too, and God forbid she shoots and kills somebody during that robbery. I’m on trial for murder now! Doesn’t matter that I wasn’t in the store. I was an accomplice.

That’s exactly what an affair partner is- an accomplice. Affairs are a two person crime. Sometimes more. But when they know you exist, they know your children exist, and they still take up with your spouse or partner, then they are an accomplice and you can be as pissed off at them as you wish. Just don’t let your lying, cheating piece of shit ex off the hook.

Shameless Mommy Brag

Alright. My kids are 22 and 20 so I suppose I am far beyond the “mommy” stage. Nonetheless, I wanted to take a moment to brag on my brilliant daughter, Rock Star. She was just offered her first “big girl” job! She will be working in the ICU in the area she now attends college.

I am so, so proud of this girl. Yes, she still needs to get through the rest of her classes, finals, and graduation but she has a job offer before she’s even graduated. She will be making more money than me her first year out, and I say, “Good for her.” My daughter will never have to reply upon a man to take care of her. I am crossing my fingers that she breaks this generational curse.

I am so happy for her. She’s wanted to be a nurse since second grade. She loves the ICU, loves the people at the hospital, and is looking forward to making money. I am so happy she has found her calling and that she’s going to be doing something she loves and which will support her. It makes everything I’ve watched her go through all worth it.

In other potentially good news Picasso is going to be weaned off of his currents meds and new ones are going to be tried. The psychiatrist did say that while the new meds should be able to be metabolized by his body, the ones he was taking should have been metabolized as well. I’m still crossing my fingers. He also got a prescription for a sleeping aid. It’s not- Ativan? Is that the one that is highly addictive? It’s one that has been recommended by two different friends of mine. I passed along the name of the drug his father is currently taking which is supposedly effective for him. I’m not around him so I can’t judge.

Picasso also started one of his classes for his apprenticeship and has an appointment with a vocational rehab counselor next week. Plus, he is supposed to be going to a Halloween party on Monday. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

Mommy Brag Time has now concluded (and yet I’m still so freaking happy for my girl and cautiously optimistic for my boy!).

I Can Say I Tried

A comment caught my eye the other day. Someone was beating herself up for giving the cheater another chance. Someone else wrote back that she, too, tried reconciliation- for 10 plus more years. The takeaway was that the commenter was trying to save her family. She *had* to try. And in the end at least she can say she tried to make it work.

Why? Why do we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard when the cheater does nothing?

I’m not judging or criticizing. I did it, too. As you may recall the first DDay I had supposedly involved an emotional affair only. We lived in Utah. Harley lived in Kentucky. Jerry Lee had 2 opportunities where he could have met up with her in person. He consistently denied ever seeing her in person. Let’s say that’s true. It was strictly an emotional affair (at this point I don’t care; it makes absolutely no difference). I did my best to reconcile. I tried my hardest to keep everything together. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want to lose my lifestyle. I certainly didn’t want to see her slip into my old life.

Now I look back and I think to myself, “Why did I bother?” It’s not as though I feel better because I tried. I don’t think I gained anything; in fact, I could probably argue that trying cost me.

I see comments from people who spend years attempting to reconcile and keep the marriage together. Spouse eventually leaves. The comments are always, “At least I tried,” or, “I gave it my best shot. I can say I did the work and attempted to save it,” or, “At least I know I did everything possible to save my marriage.”

My attitude now is pretty much, “Why? Why is this something to be proud of?” Why do we waste so much energy on someone that is not worth it?

We waste years, yes, years, trying to make the relationship work. Relationships only work when both people are invested. When you’re dealing with a cheater you’re dealing with someone who either doesn’t care or only cares when they see consequences on the horizon. As I’ve said on more than one occasion, “Your cheater doesn’t give a shit about rebuilding the marriage. They just don’t want to suffer the consequences of a divorce.” There’s a big difference between the two.

I suppose there’s no real way to know how often a second, or third, or fourth chance is given and it finally sticks. You don’t usually hear those stories. And a lot of people think they have a unicorn but it turns out the unicorn is simply hiding their activities a lot better. So what I see every day are stories after stories of people who gave it their all. They tried, dammit. They gave it the ol’ college try and did their damnedest to save their family. They lost weight, had more sex, texted more, dressed sexier, did their best to keep their children acting like angels so as not to annoy, disappoint, or embarrass the cheater, wore makeup, picked up more hours, never questioned the spouse’s behavior, never complained, never mentioned the affair, got a boob job, consented to sexual acts they did not want to engage in, had dinner on the table, made him lunch to take to work, got up early to make him breakfast, and a whole host of other things. They danced and danced and danced, yet in the end it didn’t matter. The cheater cheated again. What a surprise!

My question is why do we feel so compelled to “do everything possible” to save a marriage with a cheater? Why is that the success? Why are we brainwashed into thinking we are obligated to waste another 2, or 5, or 15, or 25 years on a person who obviously doesn’t respect us, doesn’t love us, and doesn’t value us?

I took my cheater back because I felt I owed it to him and to our family. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I didn’t want to split holidays. I thought we were happy once again but ten years later he did it again. Only this time I didn’t get a chance to do the pick me dance. This time he just left and moved in with the other woman. I don’t regret it though. I will always know I tried. I put my all into saving this marriage. He didn’t. Shame on him. I can walk with my head held high.

First, let me say I do get it. Its a traumatizing event when you see this life you built slipping through your fingers. It is rage inducing when you see another person seamlessly take your place and reap the fruits of your hard work. And I don’t wish to minimize losing time with your children. All of those are perfectly legitimate things to worry about. But here’s the thing. You may face all of that anyway. He (or she) cheats again and as stated above you don’t get a chance to try to make things work this time. This time they’ve chosen to walk. You’re no longer needed.

After trying you’re now older. Maybe significantly older. Maybe you had another baby or two. Now in addition to this horrendous divorce you get to enjoy attempting to co-parent for years to come still. Your employment gap is larger. You have bigger daycare bills because of the extra child or two you had while reconciling. Your skills have gotten weaker and more outdated. You have less time to plan for your future- the one you’ll be spending without the cheater.

Don’t even get me started on the cheaters who beg for reconciliation only so they can get their ducks lined up- new place, new furniture, new woman- all while draining the marital accounts. They tell you you can get that back- the whole “marital waste”. The truth is once it’s gone it’s gone. If the cheater doesn’t have a way to pay you you just won’t get it.

So, why don’t we normalize not throwing ourselves at a cheater? Normalize not giving a second chance. Make it a good thing when someone has definite boundaries and deal breakers.

He cheated on me and I left. He knew from the very beginning cheating was a deal breaker. Yes, it was difficult. I walked away from an entire life. I walked away from what I thought my future was going to be. But instead of spending years trying to forgive and more importantly, trying to prove to him that he made the right choice in staying with me, I chose to leave and focus on my own self. I went back to school, went to graduate school, switched careers, built a business, got a promotion, bought a house on my own, bought a car on my own, decorated my house the way I wanted, discovered new hobbies, lost weight, cut my hair, got a tattoo, dyed my hair pink, pierced my nose, found out I liked my own company. I raised my kids. I was the sane parent, the one they could depend on. We went on vacation. We created new memories. We celebrated the holidays and came up with new traditions. I watched them graduate, get married, have babies. I spent time with friends and family. I cultivated real relationships with people who gave just as much as I gave to them. I didn’t waste another 5, 10, 20 years on a cheater who was going to end up cheating on me again. My kids saw me blossom. They saw a confident, strong person who was always there for them and did the tough jobs even when I was exhausted. My kids saw me become me again.

Let’s make that the norm and throw out this ridiculous notion that we owe a cheater years more of our lives.

Women Suffer No Consequences

TikTok sucks me in like nothing else.

In one of today’s videos a young woman was explaining how if you want to lower the divorce rate you need to get rid of birth control. Apparently if you take a look at divorce graphs you can see a giant increase in divorce once women were allowed to access birth control. Giving women birth control has led to women being able to escape all consequences. Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.

If you could see me right now you would see me rolling my eyes. There is so much to unpack in this internalized misogyny.

Does dumb bunny not realize how many men leave their wives after 10, 20, 30 years together? Is she unaware of the number of men that keep trading in their current wife for a younger and younger version? Is she also unaware of the number of men that essentially abandon their children in order to have an unencumbered new life with the new woman? It’s almost like she believes that the only time a woman gets divorced is when she’s bored or something. You know, kinda like deciding to try out a new haircut. “Let’s try bangs!”

I’m simply stunned that she thinks removing birth control and saddling women with 6, 8, 10 kids is somehow going to prevent divorce. I think she has left out a very important variable- the man.

Does she believe every man wants unlimited children as well? Does she believe that every man is eager to father a child- period? And are we supposed to ban male contraceptives as well, or only women’s? Like, if a man says, “No babies for me. I’m wearing a condom,” that’s perfectly okay, but if a woman says, “No babies for me. I’m on the Pill,” we should take those pills away and force her into motherhood. Honestly, it’s not like men have that many options. It primarily falls on us anyway. Men have condoms. We have everything else. And apparently that’s a bad thing.

What if a married couple doesn’t want anymore than 2 or 3 kids? Are they supposed to have a sexless marriage from that point on?

The ignorance astounds me.

Hell, we’re still combating the notion that men only want to be involved with his children if he’s fucking the mother. We are still fighting to get men to take on equal responsibility when it comes to his children when he’s actually married to the mother of his children. Now we’re going to throw birth control out the window and these men who can’t be bothered to show up at a parent teacher conferences or give a kid a bath or who don’t know what grade the child is in or what size clothing they wear are now suddenly going to have double or triple the number of children to ignore? Excellent! I’m sure that will work out great.

Birth control does not lead to divorce. Birth control gives women more control over their own lives. That’s a good thing. Unless you’re a controlling asshole. I can understand why that might upset you.

The spike in divorce rates are due to the fact that women are not as dependent upon men as they were. Oh, I realize we have a long way to go. The stories I see every day are proof of that. Primarily because we as women still buy into this idea of being wives and mothers first. People her age probably aren’t aware of the fact that even in the early 70s many women couldn’t get credit on their own. They couldn’t buy a house or get a credit card (need credit for that). Many times they couldn’t even get a job because it was seen as women taking away a job from a man that needed to support his family. Hell, my mom was not allowed to wear pants to school as a child. Maybe even as a high school student. That was not a house rule. That was the school’s policy.

Of course, with all that wonderful birth control we can now sleep around indiscriminately and even if we do get pregnant and decide to keep the baby now we get child support! Dumb bunny speaks as though women are rolling in the dough with all this child support. Excuse me again while I go off and laugh hysterically.

Again I will cite the latest statistics I could find which stated that less than 50% of men pay their full child support. I believe the stat was 46.5%. And 30% pay nothing. There are billions in unpaid child support every year. Do you know why we have child support laws? Because men wouldn’t support their children voluntarily! Consequences needed to be imposed for men to support their children. Looking at the statistics of how many pay in full and how much unpaid child support there still is I would say that even imposing consequences doesn’t seem to make a difference.

Alimony? Oh honey, most states don’t even award alimony anymore. The courts often don’t give a shit if you’ve been a stay at home mom raising your 10 children like a good, obedient wife. Hubby wants to trade you in for a girl 20 years younger he is free to do that, and chances are real good he won’t be paying a dime in alimony. You’re told to go back to work and support yourself. You better hope child support is sufficient to cover what your income after 15 years out of the workforce doesn’t.

If my life was supposed to be so easy once I got divorced and suffered no consequences then why am I living with my mom still while he lives in another four bedroom 3 bathroom house with his whore and replacement child? Why was I working 2 jobs for quite some time? Why did my lifestyle go down approximately 75% even with the alimony I was awarded, while his stayed the same, even after paying alimony and child support?

Denying a woman birth control and forcing her to have unlimited numbers of children is not suddenly going to turn the world back to the 1950s (where women had even fewer rights). I find it ironic that there is no accountability for men who walk away from wives and abandon their children but there’s a whole lotta hand wringing over the thought of a woman using birth control so that she can have sex without worrying about a pregnancy. I find it equally ironic that people think women being able to have sex without the fear of pregnancy is somehow worse than over 54% of men walking away from these children they made and not paying the child support they owe. Maybe before we worry about the children that haven’t even been born yet, because the woman prevented the pregnancy with birth control, we worry a little bit more about the children that are already here.

Chick-Fil-A, My Mom, and Their Fries

As I said previously my mom is the one who introduced me to Chick-Fil-A. She still enjoys a good Chick-Fil-A sandwich. She doesn’t like pickles but she doesn’t want the pickle taken off of her sandwich because apparently she likes the taste of the pickle. I find that weird but okay. She also likes mayonnaise on her chicken sandwich so I always make sure I get a couple of packets of that so she can add it when I bring it home to her.

She does not like the fries. For anyone who has never eaten at Chick-Fil-A (and I know that doesn’t include anyone in my town because everyone is there every single day except Sunday) they have waffle fries.

I like the waffle fries. Sometimes I even ask for a large. My mom turns her nose up at them. She’ll eat them if she has to but she lets it be known she is not a fan.

I don’t know why this is. They don’t taste any differently. At least I am not aware of any distinct “waffle fry” taste.

Maybe it’s the little holes in them? She thinks she’s not getting a whole fry? Yes, there are holes in them but they make up for that lack of volume by the sheer size of the waffle fry. This is not a mere shoe string french fry.

She doesn’t like holes in her food? I bet she doesn’t like Swiss cheese either.

This cheese has got holes in it. It’s no good!

Honestly, I could understand that. Swiss cheese has a distinct flavor compared to say, Gouda or cheddar or brie.

I’m pretty sure I’ve asked her before and she has no answer so far. Don’t worry. I’ll keep asking. If I ever get a conclusive answer I’ll report back.

Another Bit Of Wisdom

I was directed to a YouTube video by Dr. Ramani. She talks a lot about narcissism. I’m not so sure Jerry Lee is a narcissist but it also doesn’t really matter at this point. However, Dr. Ramani said something that was a total mic drop.

I am always amazed at how many people view infidelity or cheating as a deal breaker but they don’t have a problem with being disrespected and devalued for 20, 30, 40 years.

Wow! That really resonated with me.

Prior to that statement she was saying that if you are dealing with lying, gas lighting, and being invalidated, demeaned, devalued, and discarded then the cheating is the least of your problems.

You don’t have a good relationship if those factors exist even if your partner is faithful.

They don’t value or even want to hear your opinion? That’s not a good relationship.

They never use your name? That’s devaluing and it’s not a good relationship.

They want everything done their way and they are never willing to compromise? That’s not a good relationship?

You give and give and give while they take and take and take? That’s not a good relationship.

You put away their clothes, fix their plate, and take care of their children and they whine if they’re left alone with them for an afternoon? That’s not a good relationship.

You make a big deal out of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and they can’t be bothered? That’s not a good relationship.

You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells, or you’re a constant disappointment to your partner? That’s not a good relationship.

They call you names when you get into an argument or they talk down to you even during so called good times? That’s not a good relationship.

You don’t need to wait for infidelity for it to be a horrible relationship. Hell, I’ll take it one step further and say you two can fuck like rabbits but if your partner is selfish, egotistical, never puts you first, never does a damn thing for you, and expects you to cater to their every whim you don’t have a good relationship. You might have a great sex life but your relationship outside of the bedroom sucks. Since you don’t usually spend the majority of your day in bed having sex (or any location of your choice- obviously) then you have a problem whether you are willing to see it or not.

I think this message is so valuable to hear. So often you read people’s posts where they say, “I just need proof of the cheating and then I will have a reason to leave.”

No, I think that if the relationship is already bad enough that you’re hoping you discover infidelity in order to have an excuse to leave the relationship is already bad enough. You don’t need to wait for them to cheat in order to justify leaving. Lying, devaluing, demeaning, gas lighting, bullying, discarding, invalidating, ignoring, and a whole host of other bad behaviors are plenty reason to get the hell out.

Meeting the Other Woman/New Girlfriend, Court Orders & Timed Introductions

I see this a lot on various sites. Mom wants to meet with the other woman or new girlfriend (and it could honestly be a new girlfriend- affair accomplice is gone and here’s the replacement). People say, “Don’t bother. Nothing good can come of it!” and she insists while being supported by others who say, “You go, girl! I’d want to know who was around my children, too.”

I will preface this with the acknowledgment that Rock Star and Picasso were 15 and 13 when their dad and I split up. I was not dealing with babies or toddlers or even young elementary aged children. I had teenagers. I further acknowledge my children have never met Harley. They have never been in her presence. They have never spent a single overnight with their father. So I am going to run my mouth about something which I’ve never had to deal.

I don’t understand this need to meet the woman. Either she’s the affair accomplice and she’s a piece of shit that does not give two fucks about you, your feelings, or your kids, or she’s a new woman who had no part in your family disintegrating. If she’s the first one meeting her isn’t going to do a damn thing.

There was a woman on one of the pages I follow who insisted upon meeting with the OW. People told her it was not a good idea and yet she insisted. She wanted to make sure the OW knew her place and that she (the OP) was the mom. She told everyone she thought the OW was intimidated by her and this talk was going to be a piece of cake. She was going to set the rules and the OW would follow them.

Wrong. The fact that this woman is perfectly willing to fuck a married man should tell you she has no respect for boundaries. The meeting did not go well and the mom left the meeting feeling terrible. The OW spoke down to her, was not intimidated at all, let her know that mom was not calling all the shots, and has taken every opportunity since then to insert herself in the parenting relationship.

She would have been far better off simply ignoring this person. Life was not chaos before they had their little tete a tete. Now it is. And the worst part of all is that Mom has no recourse. Dad has every right to have whomever he chooses around his kids, absent a court order.

It is a side effect of divorce that you do not have complete control over what your children are exposed to. If this person is not a danger to your child there is nothing you can do. In fact, I’ve heard of instances where mom’s boyfriend just got out of prison and she was planning on moving him in with her and her three children. Perfectly legal. Dad could do nothing. I’ve heard of instances where Dad is living with a convicted child sex offender but there is nothing preventing her from being around the young female child because the abused child was male and in his teens, and she had served her sentence. And yes, there are instances where a parent is able to ban the affair partner or the new girlfriend/boyfriend because of a history of drugs or child abuse or some other sort of criminal record, but unfortunately there are just as many stories where the parent is helpless. But we’re not talking about those cases. We’re talking run of the mill, law abiding citizens. Mom just wants to know who this person is because she wants to vet whoever is around her child.

I always want to know what exactly Mom (or Dad, but it’s usually Mom) is hoping to accomplish with this meeting. You meet her. You don’t like her. You don’t trust her. Now what? I mean, if judges are letting convicted felons move in with children they’re sure as hell not going to prevent dad’s newest girlfriend from being around your child because she likes to drink wine. Or she lets the kids watch more TV than you’re comfortable with or gives them sugary treats or goes to fast food restaurants to feed them instead of cooking a meal.

You meet her and you don’t like her, don’t like the way she parents, don’t like the things she does or likes? Too bad. Welcome to the sucky part of divorce. You might get really lucky and be able to communicate your hopes and wishes for your children (probably only if she’s a new girlfriend and not the OW) but you have no authority to tell her what to do. So what have you accomplished aside from showing her your weak spots and giving her the upper hand if she is inclined to take it?

So many people urge the parent to put language in their court order about not introducing new partners for six to twelve months, or not allowing sleep overs. Some even encourage putting it in the court order that the affair accomplice is not allowed to be around the children at all. Again I ask, to what end?

First of all, you are not likely to get it ordered that the other woman or other man is not allowed to be around your children. I’m not saying it never happens but those are generally special circumstances. It is a rare happening.

Secondly, cheaters lie. They break rules. Sure, put it in there that he can’t introduce Skankella to your kids for six months and he’s not allowed to have her spend the night when the kids are there. And then when he turns around and introduces them the very first weekend he has them and she spends the night what are you going to do?

“You can take him back for contempt of court!” they shout gleefully. “It’s a legal document and he’s in contempt if he goes against it.”

Okay, sure. He’s in contempt. As a person who actually had to take my ex back to court- twice- for contempt I can tell you it cost me approximately five thousand dollars each time I had to do that. My lawyer was fairly cheap as lawyers go, too. I only paid $250 an hour. Some people have those $300 and $500 an hour lawyers. I’m sure there are those who have even more expensive lawyers. Good for them. They’re going to pay even more than I did.

I was also taking him back to court because he either wasn’t paying support at all (first contempt hearing) or he was in arrears (second contempt hearing), which means I actually got money from taking him back to court. I could use that money to help pay my legal bill.

How much money do you have to take him back to court every time he pisses you off? Do you really want to spend five grand because he introduced the other woman to your kids before he was supposed to? Are you going to take him back to court because the girlfriend or affair accomplice slept over when your kids were there? And if you are sitting here saying, “Abso-fucking-lutely!” then let me ask you what exactly you think the judge is going to do in this case? The cat’s already out of the bag. He can’t un-introduce them. He can’t rewind time and have her sleep chastely in her own bed. At most your ex will get a slap on the wrist. If that. You really want to pay five grand for that? Do you think that’s going to stop him? What do you think a judge is going to do? Terminate his parental rights? Give you 100% custody? Order supervised visitation? Make him pay a hefty fine?

I think it stands to reason that if judges don’t give a shit about adultery then they’re not going to care about your ex-husband introducing a new woman to the kids sooner than you’d like. They’re not going to particularly care about him sleeping with her now. That would be kind of ironic, don’t you think? The judge doesn’t care about adultery but they’re very concerned with premarital sex. Honestly, if that was the case I think adultery covers both of those. You can’t be committing adultery without having premarital sex.

I realize there might be some jurisdictions where the judges care more than others. I’m assuming those would be much more conservative jurisdictions. So yes, the judge might care and the judge might be highly irate that the ex did not follow his or her orders. However, we’re still back to, “How much money do you want to spend on this?”

The bottom line is this: As long as your child is not in danger drop the rope. You control yourself. You don’t control your ex. You couldn’t control him when you were married to him and you control him even less now that you’re divorced. Give yourself peace. Trying to micromanage his life and prevent this new woman from being around your children is not going to bring you peace. It will turn into one big, expensive headache.

Fast Food Foibles

The mobster is always telling me I should start a new blog, one that is dedicated to my fast food foibles. I’m not going to but I can tell you about some of the things that have pissed me off lately. And by lately I mean over the last few months, probably dating back to July.

First up we have the whole McDonald’s debacle. I swear I am boycotting this damn chain in my city. I did stop for McDonald’s when I was on the road over Labor Day weekend. The people in Nitro, West Virginia have got their shit together. The people were friendly. The food was hot. They actually gave me what I asked for. It was amazing.Let’s go back in time to one of the McDonald’s here in my city. It was probably July but I know for certain it was Community Day for Pokemon Go because I decided to grab an egg McMuffin from McDonald’s on my way. I pull into the drive-thru about 10:50. There was a car ahead of me. I finally get my chance to order. It’s still not 11. I say very politely, “I’d like a #1 with an extra hash brown and a large diet Coke.”

#1 is an egg McMuffin meal. for those of you who might not know. It’s my standard breakfast order although I will say Mickey D’s does have amazing pancakes. No time for pancakes that day though.

The girl repeats my order, goes to ask me a question about something and then says, “Oh, we can’t do that.”

So I ask if they’re already serving lunch.

“No, but we don’t have anymore of those.” She then proceeds to list about 3 different items, none of which I was interested in, that they still have available.

It is NOT 11:00 yet. They are still serving breakfast. Why are they not making me a goddamn egg McMuffin?

I worked at Hardee’s when I was in college. I remember two guys coming in maybe 10 minutes before closing time. Closing time! Not merely switching from breakfast to lunch. I forgot what they wanted but it was something we didn’t sell a whole lot of. Maybe a ham and cheese or a chili dog. The one they received probably should have been thrown away already. They were very understanding and were like, “It’s late. We get it.” The manager who knew them told them, “No, it’s not okay. You should get whatever you ordered and it should be fresh and good.” She was absolutely correct. Those guys got whatever it was they wanted and it was made fresh for them. Ten minutes before we closed.

I, however, can’t get an egg McMuffin around here unless I go in around 6 a.m. because once they run out of them they no longer make anymore- even if it’s still fucking breakfast time! Even if they’re still serving breakfast.

As always I was exceedingly polite despite the fact I thought it was total bullshit. I simply said something along the lines of either “Never mind,” or “No thank you,” and I drove to Burger King where I ordered an original chicken sandwich.

This came after my previous 3 or 4 month long boycott of the same McDonald’s. Again, Pokemon Go Community Day. We leave early so we can grab some breakfast and eat in the park. We sat in the drive-thru for over 20 minutes before finally leaving.

If I’m going to wait 20 minutes to even give them my order then I may as well go to a sit down restaurant. My philosophy on this is quite simple: As a fast food restaurant no one is coming to your establishment because they are looking for the most amazing meal they’ve ever eaten. They are there because they want something fast. That is their only job. Food fast. Yet so many of them cannot handle this anymore.

I know I sound like a cranky old woman but I don’t care. As I said I’m always nice. I never cuss or yell at anyone. Never tell them they’re incompetent or otherwise insult them or their establishment. The most that happens is that I leave in disgust and vow to never return.

Then back in August I had the situation with Subway where I waited for 20 minutes in the drive-thru while they made sandwiches for online orders because apparently their new business model is to tell the customers that actually come to their restaurant to fuck right off. I can see why they are losing out to Jimmy John’s, Firehouse Subs, and Jersey Mike’s.

Don’t even get me started on Chick-Fil-A. I love their chicken sandwiches. I hate the lines.

It is crazy around here and for the life of me I don’t understand why. We are a town of approximately 100,000 people. We have 3 stand alone Chick-Fil-A restaurants and one inside a mall. They all have insanely long lines At the one on the south side of town they have people directing traffic. There is a Texas Roadhouse right next to it but no one going to Texas Roadhouse can use the city street to drive into the Texas Roadhouse parking lot. You have to detour and go through the Lowe’s parking lot to get to the steakhouse because you will be waiting in a line forever.

I went to the newest one which is in the northwest part of town, thinking that maybe they wouldn’t be as busy. Oh, how silly was I? I was in line forever. Again. I timed it. I want to say it ended up being 40 minutes by the time I finally got to order and then got my food. And on top of that they didn’t have regular lids for the drinks so I had shake lids which meant I drove with the drink holder on my lap so soda didn’t spill all over my car.

Maybe you’re thinking the one at the mall would be a little better. You have to go in. No one is going through a drive-thru. That’s adorable. You would be wrong. The lines continue to be insane and you will wait for eternity to get your delicious chicken sandwich.

The one I go to is a little better now if you choose to go inside. I don’t know if that’s because people don’t realize the dining room is open or we just have a lot of people too lazy to get out of their cars. The inside lines used to be insane, too. The drive-thru will still take you anywhere from 20-40 minutes depending on the traffic, and the traffic is usually pretty heavy.

Here’s the crazy part. Aside from the fact that we have 4 Chick-Fil-A restaurants and God only knows how many other restaurants that aren’t Chick-Fil-A this restaurant has been around for years! I could understand if this was a new restaurant and we had heard lots of exciting things about Chick-Fil-A. I mean, I remember being in line at In-N-Out Burger back in Utah for over an hour. But within a month or so those lines were manageable.

In fact, we do have 2 new restaurants in the area. We have a Raising Canes and a Mission BBQ that just opened within the last year. Neither of them are as busy as any of the Chick-Fil-A restaurants.

We moved here in 1979. I’m not going to say we definitely had a Chick-Fil-A in 1979 but I know by the early 80s both malls had one and I had eaten at both of them. I remember my mother introducing me to Chick-Fil-A at the Scottsdale Mall that no longer even exists. I would be willing to bet it was no later than 1982 but more than likely it was even earlier than that. The stand alone restaurants came later but still!- we were well acquainted with Chick-Fil-A by that time. Sweet J was taking me to Chick-Fil-A to cheer me up after one of my many breakups with Dave, probably during my junior year of high school. What was that? 1985? 1986? I had multiple friends who worked there in high school and we graduated 35 years ago!

People, you’ve had more than 35 years to acclimate to the yummy deliciousness of Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwiches. Yes, the peppermint chip milkshake may be a newer menu item but that is a seasonal item and does not explain your long lines.

Aren’t people supposed to be boycotting them because they don’t like their Christina principles? How can I organize a boycott here? I personally won’t partake but it would be awesome (for me) if a lot more people decided they wouldn’t frequent their business.

Olivia Munn Wants Congratulations On Her Adultery Baby

I heard a new term after all of the fallout from Adam Levine and Ned Fulmer. The term is “wife guy.” These are men who are all about their wives and how much they love them. They build a career off of this schtick. Meanwhile, when no one is looking they’re out there cheating on these same wives they profess to love so much with no name Instagram models and/or co-workers. I’m sure it’s not limited to those two types.

Apparently, John Mulaney completed the trifecta of these wife guys which is actually kinda funny when you consider he was the first one to fuck over his wife. His stand up comedy talked about his wife, how great she was, how capable she was, and how much he loved her.

I found him to be very funny. I loved so many of his routines. I also noticed how he never talked down about his wife and seemed to really love and worship her.

Then he had a relapse. Stories have been pretty fuzzy on what exactly he was doing but I’m going to read between the lines and theorize he was doing drugs once again.

It was a very crazy time at TMZ and all the other so-called entertainment outlets. He was in rehab and then he was separating from his wife and then he was dating actress Olivia Munn and then he served his wife with divorce papers and then Olivia was pregnant.

According to a People article John entered rehab in December 2020. At that time Olivia sent him a message of support. May 10, 2021 he files for divorce from his wife, Anna Marie Tendler (I found another source that said the divorce wasn’t filed until July). Anna Marie made the following statement: I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. I wish him support and success as he continues his recovery. May 13, 2021 (that’s 3 days later for anyone not keeping count) sources confirmed he and Olivia were dating. September 2021 the new couple confirms she is pregnant.

They are both trying to spin the story that he did not cheat on his wife but the timeline just doesn’t add up. There was a lot of crossover and most people believe he cheated on his wife and got the other woman pregnant.

John claimed on an appearance with Seth Meyers that he went to rehab in September, got out in October, moved out of his home with Anna Marie, and then began dating Olivia in the spring. That’s only partially true. He did go to rehab in September 2020 and checked out in October in order to host Saturday Night Live. He returned in December 2021 and moved to outpatient care in February of 2021.

Personally, I can’t stand to listen to him anymore. Just can’t do it.

But I’m not writing about the comics I follow. This is actually about something Olivia Munn said shortly after she had her son.She was being interviewed for some reason and the writer of the article noted that “the couple were met with swift backlash over the news, leaving Munn to spend the majority of her pregnancy out of the spotlight.” Olivia was quoted as saying, “It’s hard to be pregnant for the first time and have anybody say anything besides, like, ‘Congratulations,’”

Are you fucking kidding me? She’s having a sad moment because more people aren’t like, “Congratulations on having a baby with a man who cheated on his wife with you! That’s awesome. So, do you have names picked out?”

She’s upset because people couldn’t look beyond the cheating to give her proper deference and adulation at the fact she got knocked up by someone who just got out of rehab?

That’s a lot to unpack. It’s already difficult to be happy when you know the pregnancy is a result of John’s infidelity. And Olivia had to have known he was married. I know he’s married and I’ve never met the man! But then you add on the fact that he just got out of rehab. I’m not really sure that’s the best choice you can make when choosing someone to father a child.

I’m not saying he’s a lost cause forever. I’m just saying I would prefer to see someone maintain their sobriety for a while before rushing into making a baby with them.

I’m going to have to file this one under “Audacity” because I cannot fathom how a person has an affair with a married man, he leaves his wife for her, and then she’s shocked that people aren’t falling all over themselves to congratulate her.

Even if everything they try to spin is actual fact it is still an incredibly public and painful breakup for his wife. He didn’t file for divorce until May 10th (or July) and sources confirmed he was dating Olivia on May 13th. Here’s the fun part. Their son was born in November so you do the math. Olivia was already pregnant when John filed for divorce. In fact, for a November baby she likely got pregnant sometime in February. John’s divorce wasn’t final until January 6, 2022. So, regardless Anna Marie’s husband had a baby with another woman while they were still married.

I know I frequently say marriage is just a piece of paper and that if the relationship is over then the marriage is over, regardless of the legalese. But I don’t believe any of this was on the up and up and lying to your wife about your intentions, or doing shit behind her back is not what I’m talking about.

I’m so sorry, Olivia, that people didn’t fall all over themselves to congratulate you on your pregnancy. They should never have given any consideration to his wife and how much hurt she must have been going through, having to publicly watch you announce your pregnancy with her husband. All the focus should have been on you and the happiness you and John were experiencing at her expense. It must have been so difficult for you to not be able to gloat and show off your pregnancy bump from Day 1 because that would make you seem like an uncaring, unsympathetic bitch. But now you have your moment to tell everyone how you are the real victim.

You know, you’re really not that far off base. I don’t think I’d call you a victim as much as a volunteer, but a leopard doesn’t change his spots. One day it’ll be your turn to watch as he wanders off with another woman only too willing to engage with a married man. Maybe when she announces her pregnancy before he’s actually filed for divorce you’ll do the right thing and congratulate her.

Winter Dreams

This was written last year. I actually held onto a post for almost a year! I only point this out because I mention my dog dying. I was referring to Laila. I didn’t want anyone thinking that something had happened to Milo Tim. I also mention the mobster and I watching Christmas movies. As for why did I hold onto it for so long? Well, I had written it before Thanksgiving, and then it became after Thanksgiving which meant I had to do one of these forwards to let you know why the dates weren’t matching up, and then it was December and I thought, “I can’t just publish one blog post about Christmas songs,” and then more months passed by and I thought, “This is wildly out of place for January or February, or March (we can keep going until this month),” and now here we are. It’s almost a year later. Enjoy!

Is it too early for Christmas carols? Asking for a friend, of course. Nah, I proudly own it. I’ve been listening to Christmas music since back in September when my dog was dying. It makes me feel better. I don’t listen to it non-stop but I will listen to it. And the mobster and I have been watching Christmas movies that have been stored on my DVD player for the past two years. So there!

But today I want to talk about Kelly Clarkson’s song, “Winter Dreams”. A little backstory first.

At some point in the hell that was my life while Jerry Lee was still living with us I put together a Freedom Song list. I wrote about it back in 2016 when I first started blogging. Kelly had 2 songs on my list- “Since U Been Gone” and “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill Ya)”. I remember being in my car and blasting those songs. I would sing along with her. Badly, of course.

You think you got the best of me. Think you had the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I’d coming running back. Baby you don’t know me, ‘cause you’re dead wrong. And, You didn’t think that I’d come back. I’d come back swingin’. You try to break me but you see what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

There I was with no job and no idea what was going to happen to me or to my kids, but I could sing along with Kelly and believe that everything was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. That motherfucker wasn’t going to beat me down. I would show him.

I don’t know why but I was always rooting for Kelly to find love and happiness. It’s not as though I thought the only way she could be fulfilled was if she found herself a man but I always hoped for good things for her.

I found her Christmas album, Wrapped In Red, and downloaded a few of the songs. I absolutely fell in love with her song, “Winter Dreams (Brandon’s Song). I still love it but it makes me sad now. It’s a song she wrote when she was first falling in love with her future ex-husband. The lyrics hit a little harder now, knowing how it ended. She loved this man so intensely, thought he was the answer to all her prayers. I read a quote from her where she talked about how he was killing her creativity because she was so happy and all she could do was write all this happy shit.

The song is upbeat and happy. It’s a love song with a Christmas backdrop.

Drawing hearts on the foggy glass

New love, chase away my past

Nothing but the open road, saddle up,

here we go

One, two, three

First winter here in your arms

Flames rising as we fall like the stars

Making angels in the snow, warm fuzzy,

frozen toes.

Is this a dream?

Don’t wake me up

If this is love

Please, let me be

Swept completely off my feet

This snow globe scene is turning me

This Christmas Eve “I” became “We”

Don’t wake me please

From this winter dream

The part that kills me though is when she sings about it slowly sinking in, You. Love. Me.

Each word clearly enunciated.

Maybe he did love her at that point. Maybe it was all a lie and he only saw her as a meal ticket. Who knows? I just know as much as I love the song it hits a little differently now. Another love gone bad. Another woman thinking she found a man she could trust and being completely let down.

She continues on:

Dreaming dreams while I’m wide awake

The tree, the lights, staying up late

It’s true

I’m in love with you.

Oh, Kelly. The future was so full of possibilities, wasn’t it? This beautiful song, written as an ode to your newfound love with what was sure to be the love of your life. What the hell happened? How do you go from this to divorce?

I realize a song isn’t a testimony to how strong your relationship is. A song does nothing really. Yet still… she wrote this for him. She felt these feelings. They were real. They were supposed to last forever.

They’re good at that, aren’t they? Convincing you they love you and they’ll be by your side forever. You let your guard down. You do things that aren’t in your best interest… for “the team”, of course. And then you’re left devastated with your love song still playing in the background, reminding you of how this person tricked you.

I know this isn’t coming off as very merry. I’m sorry. I do hope you’ll listen to it. Try to leave out the backstory when you do. It really is a beautiful song. One of my favorites. Even if he did taint it. I trust that my girl Kelly is going to be just fine.