Winter Dreams

This was written last year. I actually held onto a post for almost a year! I only point this out because I mention my dog dying. I was referring to Laila. I didn’t want anyone thinking that something had happened to Milo Tim. I also mention the mobster and I watching Christmas movies. As for why did I hold onto it for so long? Well, I had written it before Thanksgiving, and then it became after Thanksgiving which meant I had to do one of these forwards to let you know why the dates weren’t matching up, and then it was December and I thought, “I can’t just publish one blog post about Christmas songs,” and then more months passed by and I thought, “This is wildly out of place for January or February, or March (we can keep going until this month),” and now here we are. It’s almost a year later. Enjoy!

Is it too early for Christmas carols? Asking for a friend, of course. Nah, I proudly own it. I’ve been listening to Christmas music since back in September when my dog was dying. It makes me feel better. I don’t listen to it non-stop but I will listen to it. And the mobster and I have been watching Christmas movies that have been stored on my DVD player for the past two years. So there!

But today I want to talk about Kelly Clarkson’s song, “Winter Dreams”. A little backstory first.

At some point in the hell that was my life while Jerry Lee was still living with us I put together a Freedom Song list. I wrote about it back in 2016 when I first started blogging. Kelly had 2 songs on my list- “Since U Been Gone” and “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill Ya)”. I remember being in my car and blasting those songs. I would sing along with her. Badly, of course.

You think you got the best of me. Think you had the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I’d coming running back. Baby you don’t know me, ‘cause you’re dead wrong. And, You didn’t think that I’d come back. I’d come back swingin’. You try to break me but you see what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

There I was with no job and no idea what was going to happen to me or to my kids, but I could sing along with Kelly and believe that everything was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. That motherfucker wasn’t going to beat me down. I would show him.

I don’t know why but I was always rooting for Kelly to find love and happiness. It’s not as though I thought the only way she could be fulfilled was if she found herself a man but I always hoped for good things for her.

I found her Christmas album, Wrapped In Red, and downloaded a few of the songs. I absolutely fell in love with her song, “Winter Dreams (Brandon’s Song). I still love it but it makes me sad now. It’s a song she wrote when she was first falling in love with her future ex-husband. The lyrics hit a little harder now, knowing how it ended. She loved this man so intensely, thought he was the answer to all her prayers. I read a quote from her where she talked about how he was killing her creativity because she was so happy and all she could do was write all this happy shit.

The song is upbeat and happy. It’s a love song with a Christmas backdrop.

Drawing hearts on the foggy glass

New love, chase away my past

Nothing but the open road, saddle up,

here we go

One, two, three

First winter here in your arms

Flames rising as we fall like the stars

Making angels in the snow, warm fuzzy,

frozen toes.

Is this a dream?

Don’t wake me up

If this is love

Please, let me be

Swept completely off my feet

This snow globe scene is turning me

This Christmas Eve “I” became “We”

Don’t wake me please

From this winter dream

The part that kills me though is when she sings about it slowly sinking in, You. Love. Me.

Each word clearly enunciated.

Maybe he did love her at that point. Maybe it was all a lie and he only saw her as a meal ticket. Who knows? I just know as much as I love the song it hits a little differently now. Another love gone bad. Another woman thinking she found a man she could trust and being completely let down.

She continues on:

Dreaming dreams while I’m wide awake

The tree, the lights, staying up late

It’s true

I’m in love with you.

Oh, Kelly. The future was so full of possibilities, wasn’t it? This beautiful song, written as an ode to your newfound love with what was sure to be the love of your life. What the hell happened? How do you go from this to divorce?

I realize a song isn’t a testimony to how strong your relationship is. A song does nothing really. Yet still… she wrote this for him. She felt these feelings. They were real. They were supposed to last forever.

They’re good at that, aren’t they? Convincing you they love you and they’ll be by your side forever. You let your guard down. You do things that aren’t in your best interest… for “the team”, of course. And then you’re left devastated with your love song still playing in the background, reminding you of how this person tricked you.

I know this isn’t coming off as very merry. I’m sorry. I do hope you’ll listen to it. Try to leave out the backstory when you do. It really is a beautiful song. One of my favorites. Even if he did taint it. I trust that my girl Kelly is going to be just fine.

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