Just Wondering

I wrote a post almost three years ago entitled, “It’s a Partner Problem.” Basically, your partner cheats, you have a partner problem. I stand by that. As I said in that post, if your partner propositions ten different women and they all turn him down, you still have a problem. You’re with a guy who wants to cheat on you and eventually he’s going to find someone that is willing. It’s not on the other woman to keep your husband faithful. It’s on your husband. Switch genders as needed. Way too many people put all the responsibility on the affair accomplice and none on their own timid forest creature.

BUT, and this is a big one, that doesn’t mean I think the affair accomplice is an innocent angel. There are people out there who target married men. I think this is definitely more a woman thing because they want the lifestyle the man can provide. I don’t believe for a moment that the majority of affair partners have no idea the person is married. Yes, I believe it happens, but I don’t think that is the norm. And if they do know he’s married, they’re culpable. It’s unfortunate that so many people can’t understand how you can be upset with more than one person.

With all of that in mind I can say it really irks me when someone comes along and insists that the affair all falls on your spouse/partner and you shouldn’t blame the affair accomplice at all. They didn’t make vows. They don’t owe you anything. Yada, yada, yada.

Bullshit! Fucking a person you know is married is wrong. You’re culpable for that choice when you choose to do it. You are deliberately helping to destroy a person’s life. You are deliberately interfering in someone’s marriage. You are often times profiting off of all of the previous person’s work and/or support. You are damaging children.

Here’s what I’m wondering though. These people who say the other person owes us nothing… the ones who say we need to hold our partners accountable… I’ve got a question for them.

Let’s say someone propositions the mobster. Let’s take it a step further and say she knows I exist. Maybe we’ve even met. But this man stealing whore is going to go after him anyway. She tells him he’s so sexy, so charming, so funny, so handsome. She tells him she’s been pining after him. Maybe she even sells him a sob story about her own horrible marriage or relationship. She wants him bad! Only sex with him will make her happy. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Stick with me here.

Now let’s say the mobster does what he should and he tells her to get the fuck away from him, that he is totally devoted to me, and she repulses him. He makes it extremely clear he wants nothing to do with her and that it will never happen between them. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to tell me what happened or not but for the sake of this story let’s say he’s supposed to and he does.

Are those idiots really telling me that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who tried to seduce my boyfriend? Like, she wasn’t successful so move along? No harm, no foul? I don’t think so! Bitch was trying to put her hands on something that wasn’t hers.

Would their position in that case be I was right in being upset? Or are we right back to no harm, no foul? Cause I’ve gotta say it’s more than a little fucked up that when she tries to sleep with my partner and “steal him” away but is unsuccessful I’m free to be upset with her, but if she does sleep with him and he does leave me I’m supposed to shrug it off and only be upset with him. Because again, you can only be upset with one person.

Again, I think it’s ridiculous when the affair accomplice is held entirely responsible for everything. No, your partner chose to cheat. They chose to lie and gas light and deceive and steal and destroy you. The affair accomplice chose to help. And therein lies the rub.

If I mastermind a robbery or a murder I’m still culpable. Charles Manson spent the rest of his life in prison because of what other people did for him. He didn’t kill a damn soul. If my ex-husband hires a hitman to kill me they’re both going to go to jail. The hitman doesn’t get to say, “I made no vows. I didn’t promise her anything.” And Jerry Lee doesn’t get to say, “Hey, I didn’t pull the trigger.” Doesn’t matter. They were both involved. If my friend talks me into driving the getaway car while she runs in and robs a liquor store, I go to jail, too, and God forbid she shoots and kills somebody during that robbery. I’m on trial for murder now! Doesn’t matter that I wasn’t in the store. I was an accomplice.

That’s exactly what an affair partner is- an accomplice. Affairs are a two person crime. Sometimes more. But when they know you exist, they know your children exist, and they still take up with your spouse or partner, then they are an accomplice and you can be as pissed off at them as you wish. Just don’t let your lying, cheating piece of shit ex off the hook.

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