My Favorite Stepmom Story

As you can all probably guess from my “Weirdest Burial Ever” post my stepmom is one of a kind. I thought with all the drama going on I could cheer you up with a really funny story. It’s legendary in our family. I even had a longtime friend bring it up the other night.

My stepmom is weird. I’m just going to say it. There’s really no beating around the bush with it. She made us eat French fries with a fork when I was growing up.

My dad’s name is Mike. Michael is his given name but he was always called Mike. His parents called him Mike. His sister. My mom. His friends. Everyone in his life called him Mike. Except her. He was always Michael.

She does the same with the grandkids. If you had a James and you called him Jimmy, she would insist upon calling him James. And she hates the fact that my nephew goes by Bubba. She always refers to him by his first and middle name (he was named after my brother and my brother gets first name only; his son gets both names to differentiate). My dad used to like to give the grandkids his own personal name. They were always awful- things like Pearl and Mabel. Maybe an Ethel. She got on him about that and he had to stop.

Another time she called me up asking me if I’d like a plain wedding band to wear for those times that perhaps I didn’t want to get my actual engagement ring welded together with my wedding band dirty. You know, like when I garden. I don’t garden. I try not to dig in dirt.

I very politely told her, “No, thank you.” I didn’t think I would have a need.

Much like the year I told them I didn’t want an electric typewriter she went ahead and bought it anyway. It sat unused for 3 years until I gave it to my brother to give to his own wife. They were short on money and I had an unused wedding band.

She found out that I gave it to them and actually called me to chide me for giving it away…. because she had purchased it for me. Apparently despite all of her etiquette knowledge she did not realize that once you give a gift it is no longer yours and the recipient is able to with said gift anything they wish. I wished to give it to my brother and new sister-in-law.

This is just a brief sampling of the things she has done over the years.

But our very favorite story is the peaches story.

When she gave my brother things, like green tomatoes for fried green tomatoes, she would include the bacon grease and the flour in separate containers, along with directions. I think one year she sent up mistletoe and included a hammer and a nail.

This time she sent him a bag of peaches. Included with these peaches was a set of directions on how to eat the peach.

Wash and eat like apple OR

slice into quarters and remove pit.

I swear to God! Those were the directions. I actually had a photocopy of the directions on my refrigerator for years. I think I finally th

rew it away when we moved from Utah out to Virginia.

I remember Jerry Lee had an excellent comeback. One of the few times he managed to show off his humor.

I don’t feel like I have enough information. If she thinks I’m so stupid I don’t know how to eat a peach what makes her think I know how to eat an apple?

It’s probably been 20 years and we all still laugh about the directions on how to eat a peach.


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