Oh, the Things I’m Learning!

First, let me say I do not want to learn these things. They are confusing. Maybe I should stay off of all relationship boards because I read this shit and I think, “There’s no fucking way! I am going to be alone forever because I am too damn old to play all of these fucking games.”

“What’s up, Buttercup?” you may be wondering. I just learned about a new thing called a situationship. “What is that?” you may be asking. Apparently it’s like a friends with benefits on steroids. That’s my definition of it.

I’m not even sure I have the same definition of friends with benefits that most of these people do. My definition is it’s someone you’re friends with that you have sex with. Usually when there’s no one else. There are people out there spending the night, going out to dinner, cuddling- basically dating but calling it friends with benefits.

I don’t like that term. I think it’s very murky. It’s too close to “let’s be friends” after a breakup for my taste.

Think about it. You’re dating. You’re in love (supposedly). One of you falls out of love and offers up “friendship” instead. So now you go from people who fuck to people who talk on the phone once a day or send each other Christmas cards each year. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell people do when they’re “friends” with the ex because I don’t entertain that nonsense. Even if I had ended things with Matt when he moved back. Even though I didn’t have anyone else and I was ending things because I couldn’t see myself moving down to where he was and leaving my own kids behind. Even if I was setting him free to find some lucky woman who lived in his town, who never wanted to move and who could be with him every day and move into his house and be a regular part of his life. Even if it was obvious we had different visions of the future and I would never be a priority for him. I still would not have wanted to remain friends and continue to be in contact with him. Why? Because I loved him and it would have killed me to see him with someone else. No friend for you!

Friends with benefits is kind of the opposite. You don’t have a relationship. You’re not proclaiming to be in love with each other. But you are friends and you are having sex. Until someone catches feelings or until one of you ends up meeting your one true love. Then it can get ugly.

A situationship is even worse! I am offended by the term, if I’m understanding it correctly, of course. Basically, as stated above, it’s friends with benefits on steroids. You’re exclusive. You are “committed” and “devoted” to one another. The part that separates a situationship from a relationship apparently is how much you commingle your lives. If you don’t wish to live together or mix finances or introduce your kids to each other as anything more than a friend then they label that a situationship.

I call that a load of crap! Seriously? If the end goal isn’t to get married or to move in together then you don’t have a relationship? I find that quite stifling. By these random internet strangers’ definition I will never have a relationship again- only situationships- because I have no real desire to get married again and I won’t move in with anyone until my spousal support is no longer applicable.

I could agree with it being called a situationship if you are dating but you don’t have any real feelings for each other; however, you keep seeing this person, maybe even exclusively, because you don’t have anything (or anyone) else better and you don’t want to be alone. So for now, this person will do. That is how I would define a situationship. You’re dating. You’re not in love. Because you’re not in love marriage and/or living together will never be in the cards. The whole “relationship” is one of convenience.

That other description? I would call that living together apart. It’s not my invention. I heard it on TikTok. At least two women are in committed, loving relationships with a man but they each have their own place and there are no plans any time soon to move in together. One of them is in her 50s and she just plain likes having her own place and not living with anyone else. The other is probably 30s and she can’t see moving anyone in with her kids. They are her priority. She gets together quite frequently with her boyfriend when her kids are with their dad. I could not swear that he never sleeps over when she has her kids but I know she does not live with him and goes over there when her boys are gone.

I think you can still have a relationship and not want marriage. You can still be committed and love one another and care about each other and not want to move in together.

I was reading all of that and I thought to myself, “Is that what I had for five and a half years?” It sure as hell didn’t feel like a situationship. I shared everything with that man. I loved him. I poured my heart and soul into our relationship. I met his kids. I met his family. I took my vacation time and spent it with him. I planned to be with him for the rest of my life. We had a commitment ceremony. I made vows to that motherfucker. Just because I couldn’t move in with him until my spousal support was finished didn’t mean I didn’t love him or that I wasn’t all in. I don’t see the great need for marriage but he did. Kind of ironic when you consider the fact that he’s not divorced yet so he can’t remarry. All that aside I would have been willing to marry him once spousal support was no longer in play; he knew that. This was not a secret.

In the end it doesn’t matter, does it? It irritates me but to what end? I don’t have a friend with benefits. I am not in a situationship or a relationship. I have not even talked to a man since Matt dumped me. Obviously I’ve spoken to men but I haven’t flirted with or engaged in conversation with a man I might potentially like to date. I simply don’t like these new terms and despite my pathetic desire to have someone in my life, I have no interest in navigating the treacherous waters we call dating life in 2023.