Who Is Kissing All Of These Babies?

Have you seen these big announcements on Facebook lately? There are huge PSAs about not kissing babies and these are usually followed up with new moms angrily declaring that nobody had better be kissing their baby!

I would like to know who in the hell is running up to all of these babies and kissing them? It’s certainly not me. I’d rather play with your dog. I’m sure that would piss them off, too.

How dare she not focus on my baby? Doesn’t she realize this is the most fantastic baby in the history of babies? How could she forsake my angel for a dog????

I’m thinking this is a big to-do over nothing. I simply do not see the hordes of people kissing babies they do not know.

Now, I like to smell babies but that’s a whole different thing. I just take a whiff of that sweet baby smell and I’m good. I like rocking them to sleep. Tickling their toes. Grabbing their bellies (when they get older, of course). Playing a rockin’ game of Peek-A-Boo. I’ll hold them. I’ll rock them. I’ll even change diapers if you want me to. But I’m not big on kissing them when they’re not mine.

Look, I was about as laid back as a first time mom could be. Rock Star was right around 5 or 6 months old when my Mamaw and I went out to eat at a Chinese buffet. Our waitress, also Chinese, was enamored by Rock Star. She ooh’d and ah’d over the “American baby” as she called her. She kept repeating, “American baby. Blonde hair. Blue eyes.” 

She asked if she could walk around the restaurant and show her to the other Chinese servers. Apparently they, too, would like to see the American baby. As I said I was a very laid back mom so I said, “Sure!”

Don’t worry. I could see her. It wasn’t like I thought the server was going to start running out the back the moment she had my child in her arms.

She took her over to a group of women and they all ooh’d and ah’d over little Rock Star. That was it. They were fascinated by her blonde hair and her blue eyes. No one kissed her. No one licked her head or her face. At most they touched her hand and her hair.

Several months later after we had moved back up to Michigan Jerry Lee and I were out to dinner with Rock Star. Carraba’s, this time. The restaurant wasn’t very busy and once our meals came our server offered to walk Rock Star around the restaurant.  She was a parent. She knew what it was like when you had a baby and you were trying to eat. Once again, I said, “Sure!”

Once again I kept an eye on her. Like I said, it was not busy, which was the only reason she was even able to offer. I wasn’t all that worried that she was going to run off with my child.

She walked her around the restaurant, showed her the fire where the guys were cooking, and just generally kept her amused while Jerry Lee and I ate. Never once did I see her attempt to put her mouth anywhere on my child.

These walks down memory lane aren’t meant to highlight what a crappy mother I was. I wasn’t. I was pretty nonchalant, I’ll give you that, but I was still a good mom. Maybe I have the absence of social media to thank for that. However, I still feel like if strangers offered to walk around a restaurant with my baby and still didn’t find the need to put their mouth on my child I’m pretty confident that the number of people assaulting babies with unwanted kisses while the parent gasps in horror or reacts with violence, is pretty damn low.


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