Holiday PSA

It’s that time of year once again. You know the one I’m speaking of, right? It’s when people take to social media to tout how amazing they are because they continue to “put the children first” and spend holidays together. I’m sure you’ve seen at least one of them.

My ex and I chose to put our children first and our egos last and that’s why we spend every holiday together. Even though my ex cheated, lied, had two children with the affair partner, had me involuntarily committed to a psych ward, filed a restraining order against me, broke my arm, threw me through a plate glass window, methodically poisoned me, had me arrested, brought the affair partner into our home and had sex in our bed, turned all of our friends and family against me, financially ruined me, took our dog to the pound, and threatened to kill me, I don’t let that get in the way of doing what’s best for my children. It’s not about me and my feelings; it’s about them. And yes, of course the affair partner and their love children attend as well. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the gifts and then they come and take all the glory. But it’s for the kids so how can I complain? I’m setting a stellar example for my children. It’s too bad some of you are so angry and bitter you can’t put that aside for your children. They didn’t ask for this! I made the decision to love my children more than I hated my ex and you can, too! Do better. Be like me

If this kind of thing appeals to you and it doesn’t make your skin crawl to celebrate the holidays with a lying cheater then by all means continue doing so. It is not my goal to discourage a cooperative relationship if you and your spouse can have one. My job, however, is to tell you that you’re not an awful person if it doesn’t appeal to you. You are not damaging your children if you cannot bring yourself to celebrate the holidays with your ex.

I hate this tripe every time it comes out. And it comes out in many different forms. You have the very obvious where someone is patting themselves on the back for welcoming the ex home for the holidays, and then you have the less obvious ones. The ones where the prevailing wisdom is always, “Think about your kids and what they would want.” Of course, that’s always the advice when Parent #2 plans an elaborate vacation somewhere exotic and enticing over Parent #1’s holiday time. Or when Parent #1 is being cajoled into being Parent #2’s helpful little Christmas elf.

Hell, it wasn’t that long ago someone on a support board was venting about her ex-husband, the former mother-in-law, and the affair accomplice turned wife’s mother all contacting her, asking her for gift ideas for the daughter. People were giving her shit for not wanting to do the mental work of thinking of things this child may like for Christmas. I believe the girl is around 11 or 12. Definitely old enough that she could be asked directly. I’ve taken that approach many times and found it to be quite successful. Apparently that takes away all the magic of Christmas. Who knew? I guess the thinking was if the child had to actually tell someone what she wanted then she wouldn’t be nearly as surprised if she received that item at Christmas.

Adult: Amelia, what would you like for Christmas this year?

Amelia: Well, I was hoping for an American Girl doll, a new pair of pink Ugg boots, and an iPad. I also like to draw so any kind of art supplies are always great.

Christmas time comes. Amelia opens up a gift. It’s an iPad.

Amelia: Damn, this would have been so much more magical if they just knew I wanted an iPad. Now it seems anticlimactic. I’m not sure I even want it anymore. If only my mom had put me first and come up with a list of gift ideas to give everyone else so I didn’t have to speak the words out loud and manifest my own gifts.

You know what the kicker is, folks? Mom and Dad have 50/50 custody! That’s right. Mom does not have the child any more than Dad does, and yet somehow, it all falls on her. Why? Because Dad’s head is firmly stuck up affair accomplice turned wife-tress’s ass. Because Dad’s focus is on new wife and stepdaughter to the detriment of his own child. Because Dad doesn’t know his kid. Dad wanted 50/50 custody but he didn’t actually want to do any of the parenting required. And yet people are perfectly willing to tell Mom that she needs to “think of her child” and “do what’s best” for her. She’s been accused of ruining the magic of Christmas for her child, told that she obviously knows her child better than anyone so it falls on her to get answers to everyone who asks (again- despite her only having her child 50% of the time and having the exact amount of time as Dad does), accused of not wanting her child to have an amazing Christmas because what if she doesn’t get what she wants for Christmas, and so on and so forth. Every bad thing that might happen because she doesn’t feel it’s her job to tell three people who are not related to her what her child might want for Christmas will rest on her shoulders.

They can fuck all the way off with all that bullshit.

I saw another one where the ex asked the cheated on wife what she wanted for Christmas. He wanted to buy her either two $100 gifts or one $200 gift for the kids to give her. Apparently, “I don’t want anything from you, you jackass!” was not an appropriate response. At least to some.

One lovely lady replied, “I would tell him what I want but then I’m not bitter or petty.” Bless your heart.

In what world do we live that we are obligated to accept gifts from people we do not like?

Others suggested giving him ideas because it would make her kids happy to be able to give her a Christmas gift and watch her open it.

I think what they fail to realize is that she’s probably not going to be all that happy opening an unwanted gift from her ex, even if he’s doing it under the guise of “from the children”.

I’ve given some thought as to why this irritates me so much. After all, if some couples are able to get along great, do holidays and vacations together, watch each other’s children, buy each other gifts, housesit for one another, and be a gestational surrogate or sperm donor for the ex, what’s the harm? Good for them! What a blessing!

Here’s what I realized. These people that put these stories out there aren’t doing it for altruistic reasons. They aren’t writing about it because they want to show people that there’s another way. They aren’t writing about it to say, “Gosh, crazy things can happen. I never thought it would happen to me either but it did.” No, they write to make themselves feel superior. They write about it to look down on others who don’t do it the same way they do. They write about it to shame those that refuse to participate in the illusion.

Kids first, egos last.

Because God forbid you recognize that something makes you uncomfortable. God forbid you recognize that a situation is not good for you. If only you would put your ego aside and concentrate on your children spending the holidays with your ex and his pregnant mistress wouldn’t bother you.

I had to love my children more than I hated my ex.

What does this even mean? Every insane idea that an ex has must be approved? Every request, no matter how intrusive or disruptive, must be granted? Regardless of how difficult a situation may be for me, personally, if I love my children I suck it up and put myself through hell?

What are we talking about anyway? I shouldn’t engage in a screaming match at my child’s graduation ceremony? Yeah, I got that. Handled that one fine. I’m not a wild animal, for crying out loud! I need to invite Jerry Lee and Harley and her children out to dinner with us afterwards? Uh, I don’t think so. My kids will survive just fine without mommy, daddy, daddy’s whore, and daddy’s replacement children all celebrating together. Honestly, in my case I absolutely know that Picasso and Rock Star would prefer NOT to do that.

You need to put your children first.

Oh, that’s a weighty one, isn’t it? Who wants to be the big bad and disagree with that? What the hell? I will.

Putting your children first doesn’t come from eating shit sundaes. It doesn’t come in the form of humiliating yourself or putting yourself in stressful and/or painful situations. If you have one parent who cheated, lied, and abandoned the family and another parent who stuck around and did all the hard work raising the child or children while simultaneously having to rebuild their own life then that second parent did put their children first. So you can take your forced shared holidays and watching the affair baby and taking vacations together and shove it up your ass. When people finally give as much crap to the person who cheats on their spouse and abandons their own children for the new ones or for the new partner’s kids as they do to the person who is holding down the fort maybe I’ll look at my own behavior a little more closely.

In closing that’s my holiday PSA. If you get along with your ex, fantastic. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t. But if you don’t get along with your ex and you’d rather swallow shards of glass and slither buck naked through a creek of shit and toxic sludge than spend a moment of time with them, accept a gift from them, go Christmas shopping for them, or have them in your home for the holidays you are perfectly fine to say so. I hereby give you permission to tell them to fuck all the way off with that holiday bullshit.

Thanksgiving Past

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Then it was the best of times once again.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that I struggle with Thanksgiving. It makes me a little wistful sometimes. Thanksgiving 2014 was the last happy holiday we spent with Jerry Lee. It was the last time our lives were truly normal. Happy. We honestly were happy that holiday, or so I thought.

My daughter’s best friend flew out from Utah to spend the holiday with us and my mom, brother, sister-in-law, 2 nieces, and a nephew all drove to Virginia to spend the holiday with us. I put on an amazing spread. We played tons of Phase 10 and ate Scotcheroos and went Black Friday shopping. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’d had in years.

I thought Christmas was pretty good, too, until I discovered the text messages a day or two after Christmas where he told his sister he was heavily medicated and should never have tried to be happy. There went my Christmas cheer!

The following Thanksgiving was spent at my mom’s house- just me and my kids. The year after that I was toiling at Target so not really much of a holiday. Going in to work at 12:30 am will really suck the life out of your holiday.

Anyway, all of this to say that Thanksgiving of 2014 was really great and almost every year since I get all nostalgic. It’s not just that it was a really fantastic Thanksgiving. It’s also an acknowledgement that those days are over. That was my old life. Parts of it were really awesome and some days I miss those awesome parts. 

I tend to focus on Thanksgiving 2014, how great it was, and how I lost everything after that year. It recently occurred to me I’m thinking about it this all wrong.

Yeah, life after that Thanksgiving got really tough. There were a lot of tears. A lot of change. Most of it not welcome change either. I went kicking and screaming into a whole new life.

But then I begin to think about Thanksgiving 2017 and I remember how awesome that Thanksgiving holiday was for me. Family time and playing Phase 10 and being kidnapped and forced to go Black Friday shopping made some amazing memories but you know what managed to top that?

Finding out that I won my court case only a day or two before Thanksgiving! Yep, no matter how weepy I may get thinking about that final year together I can always cheer myself up remembering the year I got the judge’s orders right before the holiday. I remember opening those papers and reading them out loud. It got better and better the longer I kept reading. Yep, there was the part about how Jerry Lee could do much more for his children but his money was obviously going towards his girlfriend and her children. His expenses were deemed “excessive” while mine were considered reasonable. Harley got named in the final ruling- at least twice. First and last name. I was awarded $25,000 in legal fees. He got imputed for wages. I was given spousal support for 16 years. I got more than double the amount of child support Jerry Lee had offered to pay. Hell, I got more than three times the amount he wanted to pay for both spousal and child support. Jerry Lee was told any mental health problems he had had been managed until he started up his affair which was a self-inflicted wound. He was also told he could make more money but he refused to move, and while he said it was because of his mom and his support system he never mentioned the girlfriend, Harley Butt-face Whore, with whom he immediately moved in. It was also pointed out that throughout all of our marriage he rose up in his career by doing exactly what he refused to do now- move for the promotion. The judge told Jerry Lee the story he told of why he stopped the three support checks “hurt his credibility”. In short, he got his ass tore up and I got almost everything I wanted. I had an amazing holiday that year and I have no doubt Jerry Lee had an absolutely miserable one that year. He doesn’t do holidays well to begin with but to add on losing so completely in court and finding out how much money he was going to have to pay me? Oh my! I truly hope he spent the weekend in bed catatonic. The gold-digging Harley probably wasn’t real happy either. Based on that alone I will always treasure Thanksgiving.

For so long I worried about what would happen in the final orders. Would Jerry Lee get away with his claims of PTSD? For so long I had no answers. Only questions and worries. Preparing myself for the worst all the while knowing there was no way to truly prepare for the worst. My greatest fear was that Jerry Lee and Harley would live happily ever after with all of their money intact because of his bullshit PTSD claims while I worked two jobs and couldn’t afford shit. Thankfully that didn’t happen, and how appropriate it that I found out right before Thanksgiving?

Instead of looking back and reminiscing about everything that was lost after 2014 and allowing that to dampen the holiday I am choosing to think of Thanksgiving as my victory. The tide truly did begin to turn at that point. No more weepy Thanksgiving memories for me. From here on out Thanksgiving is associated with me emerging victoriously over Jerry Lee.

Just Wondering

I wrote a post almost three years ago entitled, “It’s a Partner Problem.” Basically, your partner cheats, you have a partner problem. I stand by that. As I said in that post, if your partner propositions ten different women and they all turn him down, you still have a problem. You’re with a guy who wants to cheat on you and eventually he’s going to find someone that is willing. It’s not on the other woman to keep your husband faithful. It’s on your husband. Switch genders as needed. Way too many people put all the responsibility on the affair accomplice and none on their own timid forest creature.

BUT, and this is a big one, that doesn’t mean I think the affair accomplice is an innocent angel. There are people out there who target married men. I think this is definitely more a woman thing because they want the lifestyle the man can provide. I don’t believe for a moment that the majority of affair partners have no idea the person is married. Yes, I believe it happens, but I don’t think that is the norm. And if they do know he’s married, they’re culpable. It’s unfortunate that so many people can’t understand how you can be upset with more than one person.

With all of that in mind I can say it really irks me when someone comes along and insists that the affair all falls on your spouse/partner and you shouldn’t blame the affair accomplice at all. They didn’t make vows. They don’t owe you anything. Yada, yada, yada.

Bullshit! Fucking a person you know is married is wrong. You’re culpable for that choice when you choose to do it. You are deliberately helping to destroy a person’s life. You are deliberately interfering in someone’s marriage. You are often times profiting off of all of the previous person’s work and/or support. You are damaging children.

Here’s what I’m wondering though. These people who say the other person owes us nothing… the ones who say we need to hold our partners accountable… I’ve got a question for them.

Let’s say someone propositions the mobster. Let’s take it a step further and say she knows I exist. Maybe we’ve even met. But this man stealing whore is going to go after him anyway. She tells him he’s so sexy, so charming, so funny, so handsome. She tells him she’s been pining after him. Maybe she even sells him a sob story about her own horrible marriage or relationship. She wants him bad! Only sex with him will make her happy. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Stick with me here.

Now let’s say the mobster does what he should and he tells her to get the fuck away from him, that he is totally devoted to me, and she repulses him. He makes it extremely clear he wants nothing to do with her and that it will never happen between them. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to tell me what happened or not but for the sake of this story let’s say he’s supposed to and he does.

Are those idiots really telling me that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who tried to seduce my boyfriend? Like, she wasn’t successful so move along? No harm, no foul? I don’t think so! Bitch was trying to put her hands on something that wasn’t hers.

Would their position in that case be I was right in being upset? Or are we right back to no harm, no foul? Cause I’ve gotta say it’s more than a little fucked up that when she tries to sleep with my partner and “steal him” away but is unsuccessful I’m free to be upset with her, but if she does sleep with him and he does leave me I’m supposed to shrug it off and only be upset with him. Because again, you can only be upset with one person.

Again, I think it’s ridiculous when the affair accomplice is held entirely responsible for everything. No, your partner chose to cheat. They chose to lie and gas light and deceive and steal and destroy you. The affair accomplice chose to help. And therein lies the rub.

If I mastermind a robbery or a murder I’m still culpable. Charles Manson spent the rest of his life in prison because of what other people did for him. He didn’t kill a damn soul. If my ex-husband hires a hitman to kill me they’re both going to go to jail. The hitman doesn’t get to say, “I made no vows. I didn’t promise her anything.” And Jerry Lee doesn’t get to say, “Hey, I didn’t pull the trigger.” Doesn’t matter. They were both involved. If my friend talks me into driving the getaway car while she runs in and robs a liquor store, I go to jail, too, and God forbid she shoots and kills somebody during that robbery. I’m on trial for murder now! Doesn’t matter that I wasn’t in the store. I was an accomplice.

That’s exactly what an affair partner is- an accomplice. Affairs are a two person crime. Sometimes more. But when they know you exist, they know your children exist, and they still take up with your spouse or partner, then they are an accomplice and you can be as pissed off at them as you wish. Just don’t let your lying, cheating piece of shit ex off the hook.

I Can Say I Tried

A comment caught my eye the other day. Someone was beating herself up for giving the cheater another chance. Someone else wrote back that she, too, tried reconciliation- for 10 plus more years. The takeaway was that the commenter was trying to save her family. She *had* to try. And in the end at least she can say she tried to make it work.

Why? Why do we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard when the cheater does nothing?

I’m not judging or criticizing. I did it, too. As you may recall the first DDay I had supposedly involved an emotional affair only. We lived in Utah. Harley lived in Kentucky. Jerry Lee had 2 opportunities where he could have met up with her in person. He consistently denied ever seeing her in person. Let’s say that’s true. It was strictly an emotional affair (at this point I don’t care; it makes absolutely no difference). I did my best to reconcile. I tried my hardest to keep everything together. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want to lose my lifestyle. I certainly didn’t want to see her slip into my old life.

Now I look back and I think to myself, “Why did I bother?” It’s not as though I feel better because I tried. I don’t think I gained anything; in fact, I could probably argue that trying cost me.

I see comments from people who spend years attempting to reconcile and keep the marriage together. Spouse eventually leaves. The comments are always, “At least I tried,” or, “I gave it my best shot. I can say I did the work and attempted to save it,” or, “At least I know I did everything possible to save my marriage.”

My attitude now is pretty much, “Why? Why is this something to be proud of?” Why do we waste so much energy on someone that is not worth it?

We waste years, yes, years, trying to make the relationship work. Relationships only work when both people are invested. When you’re dealing with a cheater you’re dealing with someone who either doesn’t care or only cares when they see consequences on the horizon. As I’ve said on more than one occasion, “Your cheater doesn’t give a shit about rebuilding the marriage. They just don’t want to suffer the consequences of a divorce.” There’s a big difference between the two.

I suppose there’s no real way to know how often a second, or third, or fourth chance is given and it finally sticks. You don’t usually hear those stories. And a lot of people think they have a unicorn but it turns out the unicorn is simply hiding their activities a lot better. So what I see every day are stories after stories of people who gave it their all. They tried, dammit. They gave it the ol’ college try and did their damnedest to save their family. They lost weight, had more sex, texted more, dressed sexier, did their best to keep their children acting like angels so as not to annoy, disappoint, or embarrass the cheater, wore makeup, picked up more hours, never questioned the spouse’s behavior, never complained, never mentioned the affair, got a boob job, consented to sexual acts they did not want to engage in, had dinner on the table, made him lunch to take to work, got up early to make him breakfast, and a whole host of other things. They danced and danced and danced, yet in the end it didn’t matter. The cheater cheated again. What a surprise!

My question is why do we feel so compelled to “do everything possible” to save a marriage with a cheater? Why is that the success? Why are we brainwashed into thinking we are obligated to waste another 2, or 5, or 15, or 25 years on a person who obviously doesn’t respect us, doesn’t love us, and doesn’t value us?

I took my cheater back because I felt I owed it to him and to our family. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I didn’t want to split holidays. I thought we were happy once again but ten years later he did it again. Only this time I didn’t get a chance to do the pick me dance. This time he just left and moved in with the other woman. I don’t regret it though. I will always know I tried. I put my all into saving this marriage. He didn’t. Shame on him. I can walk with my head held high.

First, let me say I do get it. Its a traumatizing event when you see this life you built slipping through your fingers. It is rage inducing when you see another person seamlessly take your place and reap the fruits of your hard work. And I don’t wish to minimize losing time with your children. All of those are perfectly legitimate things to worry about. But here’s the thing. You may face all of that anyway. He (or she) cheats again and as stated above you don’t get a chance to try to make things work this time. This time they’ve chosen to walk. You’re no longer needed.

After trying you’re now older. Maybe significantly older. Maybe you had another baby or two. Now in addition to this horrendous divorce you get to enjoy attempting to co-parent for years to come still. Your employment gap is larger. You have bigger daycare bills because of the extra child or two you had while reconciling. Your skills have gotten weaker and more outdated. You have less time to plan for your future- the one you’ll be spending without the cheater.

Don’t even get me started on the cheaters who beg for reconciliation only so they can get their ducks lined up- new place, new furniture, new woman- all while draining the marital accounts. They tell you you can get that back- the whole “marital waste”. The truth is once it’s gone it’s gone. If the cheater doesn’t have a way to pay you you just won’t get it.

So, why don’t we normalize not throwing ourselves at a cheater? Normalize not giving a second chance. Make it a good thing when someone has definite boundaries and deal breakers.

He cheated on me and I left. He knew from the very beginning cheating was a deal breaker. Yes, it was difficult. I walked away from an entire life. I walked away from what I thought my future was going to be. But instead of spending years trying to forgive and more importantly, trying to prove to him that he made the right choice in staying with me, I chose to leave and focus on my own self. I went back to school, went to graduate school, switched careers, built a business, got a promotion, bought a house on my own, bought a car on my own, decorated my house the way I wanted, discovered new hobbies, lost weight, cut my hair, got a tattoo, dyed my hair pink, pierced my nose, found out I liked my own company. I raised my kids. I was the sane parent, the one they could depend on. We went on vacation. We created new memories. We celebrated the holidays and came up with new traditions. I watched them graduate, get married, have babies. I spent time with friends and family. I cultivated real relationships with people who gave just as much as I gave to them. I didn’t waste another 5, 10, 20 years on a cheater who was going to end up cheating on me again. My kids saw me blossom. They saw a confident, strong person who was always there for them and did the tough jobs even when I was exhausted. My kids saw me become me again.

Let’s make that the norm and throw out this ridiculous notion that we owe a cheater years more of our lives.

Another Bit Of Wisdom

I was directed to a YouTube video by Dr. Ramani. She talks a lot about narcissism. I’m not so sure Jerry Lee is a narcissist but it also doesn’t really matter at this point. However, Dr. Ramani said something that was a total mic drop.

I am always amazed at how many people view infidelity or cheating as a deal breaker but they don’t have a problem with being disrespected and devalued for 20, 30, 40 years.

Wow! That really resonated with me.

Prior to that statement she was saying that if you are dealing with lying, gas lighting, and being invalidated, demeaned, devalued, and discarded then the cheating is the least of your problems.

You don’t have a good relationship if those factors exist even if your partner is faithful.

They don’t value or even want to hear your opinion? That’s not a good relationship.

They never use your name? That’s devaluing and it’s not a good relationship.

They want everything done their way and they are never willing to compromise? That’s not a good relationship?

You give and give and give while they take and take and take? That’s not a good relationship.

You put away their clothes, fix their plate, and take care of their children and they whine if they’re left alone with them for an afternoon? That’s not a good relationship.

You make a big deal out of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and they can’t be bothered? That’s not a good relationship.

You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells, or you’re a constant disappointment to your partner? That’s not a good relationship.

They call you names when you get into an argument or they talk down to you even during so called good times? That’s not a good relationship.

You don’t need to wait for infidelity for it to be a horrible relationship. Hell, I’ll take it one step further and say you two can fuck like rabbits but if your partner is selfish, egotistical, never puts you first, never does a damn thing for you, and expects you to cater to their every whim you don’t have a good relationship. You might have a great sex life but your relationship outside of the bedroom sucks. Since you don’t usually spend the majority of your day in bed having sex (or any location of your choice- obviously) then you have a problem whether you are willing to see it or not.

I think this message is so valuable to hear. So often you read people’s posts where they say, “I just need proof of the cheating and then I will have a reason to leave.”

No, I think that if the relationship is already bad enough that you’re hoping you discover infidelity in order to have an excuse to leave the relationship is already bad enough. You don’t need to wait for them to cheat in order to justify leaving. Lying, devaluing, demeaning, gas lighting, bullying, discarding, invalidating, ignoring, and a whole host of other bad behaviors are plenty reason to get the hell out.

Meeting the Other Woman/New Girlfriend, Court Orders & Timed Introductions

I see this a lot on various sites. Mom wants to meet with the other woman or new girlfriend (and it could honestly be a new girlfriend- affair accomplice is gone and here’s the replacement). People say, “Don’t bother. Nothing good can come of it!” and she insists while being supported by others who say, “You go, girl! I’d want to know who was around my children, too.”

I will preface this with the acknowledgment that Rock Star and Picasso were 15 and 13 when their dad and I split up. I was not dealing with babies or toddlers or even young elementary aged children. I had teenagers. I further acknowledge my children have never met Harley. They have never been in her presence. They have never spent a single overnight with their father. So I am going to run my mouth about something which I’ve never had to deal.

I don’t understand this need to meet the woman. Either she’s the affair accomplice and she’s a piece of shit that does not give two fucks about you, your feelings, or your kids, or she’s a new woman who had no part in your family disintegrating. If she’s the first one meeting her isn’t going to do a damn thing.

There was a woman on one of the pages I follow who insisted upon meeting with the OW. People told her it was not a good idea and yet she insisted. She wanted to make sure the OW knew her place and that she (the OP) was the mom. She told everyone she thought the OW was intimidated by her and this talk was going to be a piece of cake. She was going to set the rules and the OW would follow them.

Wrong. The fact that this woman is perfectly willing to fuck a married man should tell you she has no respect for boundaries. The meeting did not go well and the mom left the meeting feeling terrible. The OW spoke down to her, was not intimidated at all, let her know that mom was not calling all the shots, and has taken every opportunity since then to insert herself in the parenting relationship.

She would have been far better off simply ignoring this person. Life was not chaos before they had their little tete a tete. Now it is. And the worst part of all is that Mom has no recourse. Dad has every right to have whomever he chooses around his kids, absent a court order.

It is a side effect of divorce that you do not have complete control over what your children are exposed to. If this person is not a danger to your child there is nothing you can do. In fact, I’ve heard of instances where mom’s boyfriend just got out of prison and she was planning on moving him in with her and her three children. Perfectly legal. Dad could do nothing. I’ve heard of instances where Dad is living with a convicted child sex offender but there is nothing preventing her from being around the young female child because the abused child was male and in his teens, and she had served her sentence. And yes, there are instances where a parent is able to ban the affair partner or the new girlfriend/boyfriend because of a history of drugs or child abuse or some other sort of criminal record, but unfortunately there are just as many stories where the parent is helpless. But we’re not talking about those cases. We’re talking run of the mill, law abiding citizens. Mom just wants to know who this person is because she wants to vet whoever is around her child.

I always want to know what exactly Mom (or Dad, but it’s usually Mom) is hoping to accomplish with this meeting. You meet her. You don’t like her. You don’t trust her. Now what? I mean, if judges are letting convicted felons move in with children they’re sure as hell not going to prevent dad’s newest girlfriend from being around your child because she likes to drink wine. Or she lets the kids watch more TV than you’re comfortable with or gives them sugary treats or goes to fast food restaurants to feed them instead of cooking a meal.

You meet her and you don’t like her, don’t like the way she parents, don’t like the things she does or likes? Too bad. Welcome to the sucky part of divorce. You might get really lucky and be able to communicate your hopes and wishes for your children (probably only if she’s a new girlfriend and not the OW) but you have no authority to tell her what to do. So what have you accomplished aside from showing her your weak spots and giving her the upper hand if she is inclined to take it?

So many people urge the parent to put language in their court order about not introducing new partners for six to twelve months, or not allowing sleep overs. Some even encourage putting it in the court order that the affair accomplice is not allowed to be around the children at all. Again I ask, to what end?

First of all, you are not likely to get it ordered that the other woman or other man is not allowed to be around your children. I’m not saying it never happens but those are generally special circumstances. It is a rare happening.

Secondly, cheaters lie. They break rules. Sure, put it in there that he can’t introduce Skankella to your kids for six months and he’s not allowed to have her spend the night when the kids are there. And then when he turns around and introduces them the very first weekend he has them and she spends the night what are you going to do?

“You can take him back for contempt of court!” they shout gleefully. “It’s a legal document and he’s in contempt if he goes against it.”

Okay, sure. He’s in contempt. As a person who actually had to take my ex back to court- twice- for contempt I can tell you it cost me approximately five thousand dollars each time I had to do that. My lawyer was fairly cheap as lawyers go, too. I only paid $250 an hour. Some people have those $300 and $500 an hour lawyers. I’m sure there are those who have even more expensive lawyers. Good for them. They’re going to pay even more than I did.

I was also taking him back to court because he either wasn’t paying support at all (first contempt hearing) or he was in arrears (second contempt hearing), which means I actually got money from taking him back to court. I could use that money to help pay my legal bill.

How much money do you have to take him back to court every time he pisses you off? Do you really want to spend five grand because he introduced the other woman to your kids before he was supposed to? Are you going to take him back to court because the girlfriend or affair accomplice slept over when your kids were there? And if you are sitting here saying, “Abso-fucking-lutely!” then let me ask you what exactly you think the judge is going to do in this case? The cat’s already out of the bag. He can’t un-introduce them. He can’t rewind time and have her sleep chastely in her own bed. At most your ex will get a slap on the wrist. If that. You really want to pay five grand for that? Do you think that’s going to stop him? What do you think a judge is going to do? Terminate his parental rights? Give you 100% custody? Order supervised visitation? Make him pay a hefty fine?

I think it stands to reason that if judges don’t give a shit about adultery then they’re not going to care about your ex-husband introducing a new woman to the kids sooner than you’d like. They’re not going to particularly care about him sleeping with her now. That would be kind of ironic, don’t you think? The judge doesn’t care about adultery but they’re very concerned with premarital sex. Honestly, if that was the case I think adultery covers both of those. You can’t be committing adultery without having premarital sex.

I realize there might be some jurisdictions where the judges care more than others. I’m assuming those would be much more conservative jurisdictions. So yes, the judge might care and the judge might be highly irate that the ex did not follow his or her orders. However, we’re still back to, “How much money do you want to spend on this?”

The bottom line is this: As long as your child is not in danger drop the rope. You control yourself. You don’t control your ex. You couldn’t control him when you were married to him and you control him even less now that you’re divorced. Give yourself peace. Trying to micromanage his life and prevent this new woman from being around your children is not going to bring you peace. It will turn into one big, expensive headache.

Olivia Munn Wants Congratulations On Her Adultery Baby

I heard a new term after all of the fallout from Adam Levine and Ned Fulmer. The term is “wife guy.” These are men who are all about their wives and how much they love them. They build a career off of this schtick. Meanwhile, when no one is looking they’re out there cheating on these same wives they profess to love so much with no name Instagram models and/or co-workers. I’m sure it’s not limited to those two types.

Apparently, John Mulaney completed the trifecta of these wife guys which is actually kinda funny when you consider he was the first one to fuck over his wife. His stand up comedy talked about his wife, how great she was, how capable she was, and how much he loved her.

I found him to be very funny. I loved so many of his routines. I also noticed how he never talked down about his wife and seemed to really love and worship her.

Then he had a relapse. Stories have been pretty fuzzy on what exactly he was doing but I’m going to read between the lines and theorize he was doing drugs once again.

It was a very crazy time at TMZ and all the other so-called entertainment outlets. He was in rehab and then he was separating from his wife and then he was dating actress Olivia Munn and then he served his wife with divorce papers and then Olivia was pregnant.

According to a People article John entered rehab in December 2020. At that time Olivia sent him a message of support. May 10, 2021 he files for divorce from his wife, Anna Marie Tendler (I found another source that said the divorce wasn’t filed until July). Anna Marie made the following statement: I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. I wish him support and success as he continues his recovery. May 13, 2021 (that’s 3 days later for anyone not keeping count) sources confirmed he and Olivia were dating. September 2021 the new couple confirms she is pregnant.

They are both trying to spin the story that he did not cheat on his wife but the timeline just doesn’t add up. There was a lot of crossover and most people believe he cheated on his wife and got the other woman pregnant.

John claimed on an appearance with Seth Meyers that he went to rehab in September, got out in October, moved out of his home with Anna Marie, and then began dating Olivia in the spring. That’s only partially true. He did go to rehab in September 2020 and checked out in October in order to host Saturday Night Live. He returned in December 2021 and moved to outpatient care in February of 2021.

Personally, I can’t stand to listen to him anymore. Just can’t do it.

But I’m not writing about the comics I follow. This is actually about something Olivia Munn said shortly after she had her son.She was being interviewed for some reason and the writer of the article noted that “the couple were met with swift backlash over the news, leaving Munn to spend the majority of her pregnancy out of the spotlight.” Olivia was quoted as saying, “It’s hard to be pregnant for the first time and have anybody say anything besides, like, ‘Congratulations,’”

Are you fucking kidding me? She’s having a sad moment because more people aren’t like, “Congratulations on having a baby with a man who cheated on his wife with you! That’s awesome. So, do you have names picked out?”

She’s upset because people couldn’t look beyond the cheating to give her proper deference and adulation at the fact she got knocked up by someone who just got out of rehab?

That’s a lot to unpack. It’s already difficult to be happy when you know the pregnancy is a result of John’s infidelity. And Olivia had to have known he was married. I know he’s married and I’ve never met the man! But then you add on the fact that he just got out of rehab. I’m not really sure that’s the best choice you can make when choosing someone to father a child.

I’m not saying he’s a lost cause forever. I’m just saying I would prefer to see someone maintain their sobriety for a while before rushing into making a baby with them.

I’m going to have to file this one under “Audacity” because I cannot fathom how a person has an affair with a married man, he leaves his wife for her, and then she’s shocked that people aren’t falling all over themselves to congratulate her.

Even if everything they try to spin is actual fact it is still an incredibly public and painful breakup for his wife. He didn’t file for divorce until May 10th (or July) and sources confirmed he was dating Olivia on May 13th. Here’s the fun part. Their son was born in November so you do the math. Olivia was already pregnant when John filed for divorce. In fact, for a November baby she likely got pregnant sometime in February. John’s divorce wasn’t final until January 6, 2022. So, regardless Anna Marie’s husband had a baby with another woman while they were still married.

I know I frequently say marriage is just a piece of paper and that if the relationship is over then the marriage is over, regardless of the legalese. But I don’t believe any of this was on the up and up and lying to your wife about your intentions, or doing shit behind her back is not what I’m talking about.

I’m so sorry, Olivia, that people didn’t fall all over themselves to congratulate you on your pregnancy. They should never have given any consideration to his wife and how much hurt she must have been going through, having to publicly watch you announce your pregnancy with her husband. All the focus should have been on you and the happiness you and John were experiencing at her expense. It must have been so difficult for you to not be able to gloat and show off your pregnancy bump from Day 1 because that would make you seem like an uncaring, unsympathetic bitch. But now you have your moment to tell everyone how you are the real victim.

You know, you’re really not that far off base. I don’t think I’d call you a victim as much as a volunteer, but a leopard doesn’t change his spots. One day it’ll be your turn to watch as he wanders off with another woman only too willing to engage with a married man. Maybe when she announces her pregnancy before he’s actually filed for divorce you’ll do the right thing and congratulate her.

One Minute Bit Of Wisdom

I don’t think this will even take a minute.

Never let someone sneer at you and claim, “Oh, you think you’re so perfect.”

Jerry Lee did that to me once. He had agreed to go to marital counseling. The counselor asked what was going on, and I spilled the beans. I don’t remember about what. Maybe it was when I found out he was planning on marrying the dumb bitch and had conspired with his nephew to get tattoos together.

They like to throw that one out in various ways, all alluding to our supposed perfection (which is obviously sarcasm) and their inability to measure up to our high standards.

It’s a diversion tactic. Play the poor victim, claim the actual victim thinks they are perfect, and then sit back and watch as the victim begins assuring the cheater that they (the victim) are not perfect. They can go then go on to list all of their faults so as to not make the cheater feel bad about themselves. See? We’re equal. Only you’re not. As I’ve always said, picking up the Charmin Extra Strong instead of the Charmin Extra Soft is not the safe as fucking another person. Not feeling like cooking so you grab take out is not the same as your partner gas lighting you as they take the affair accomplice on a weekend getaway. It’s just not.

The proper response to all of that nonsense is this. The bar is not perfection. The bar is faithfulness.

It’s An Infidelity Plague!

Full disclosure- I have no idea who the Try Guys are. I mean, I’ve read the headlines about the one who was all about his wife going out and cheating on his wife- with an engaged co-worker. Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, he went and had a consensual relationship with the engaged co-worker. Don’t want to risk a lawsuit.

I did a Google search. I know the basics. But until little charlatan Ned was caught cheating on his wife, Ariel, I had never heard of them.

Aside from saying I am very impressed that those that worked with him have distanced themselves from him and fired him I’m not going to write about yet another sad situation where a man professes to love his wife only to blindside her by cheating on her. No, I’m going to tackle a comment someone left on one of the articles about this.

A real forward thinking scholar left this comment:

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages? Or too much for the “religious” community? Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating? It’s natural and consensual.

You dumb bitch. Sorry- I had to get that out the way real quick. Besides, both men and women cuss and call people bitches. It’s natural. Especially when someone is a dumb bitch. #smileyface

How about people OPEN their fucking marriages?

Sweetie, the time to open your marriage is before you start to cheat. That’s a talk you should have before you have sex with someone else. And as I always like to point out, open relationships have rules, too.

If Ned and Ariel had an open marriage but one of Ariel’s rules was that Ned was not to sleep with any co-workers then BOOM he just broke that rule. Cheaters don’t like to follow rules. Period. It will never be enough. It will never be open enough. And quite frankly that’s a shitty reaction to infidelity.

“Oh, he cheated on you? Why don’t you just let him fuck other women and then it won’t be a problem?”

Why should anyone have an open marriage in the hopes of staving off infidelity if they don’t want an open marriage? Wouldn’t the actual solution be to marry someone like-minded? I realize it’s not working out all that great because some people have a tendency to lie but this idea that if everyone opened their marriages, whether they wanted to or not, all would be blissful is just shit.

Or too much for the “religious” community?

Honey, you’re putting stuff where it doesn’t belong. I don’t think it’s “religious” communities that say no to open marriages. I think it’s most people that say no. I mean, I’m not particularly religious and I have no desire for an open relationship. Because you know what else is natural? Jealousy. And that hinders an open relationship. It hinders even the desire for an open relationship.

So, I don’t think there are millions upon millions of people out there saying, “You know, if only my church didn’t forbid it….” I think most people are perfectly happy with the idea of having only one partner.

And again I will point out that there are many people out there who are very much into the idea of an open marriage for themselves, but don’t really think their partner needs an open marriage as well. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander, according to their thinking.

Both men and women cheat, how about stop calling it cheating?

Oh, honey. We call it cheating because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter if both men and women do it. It’s still cheating. Popularity or lack of popularity also do not define the word.

People do all sorts of things they shouldn’t. People shoplift- both men, women, old, young. Should we stop calling it shoplifting? Despite the fact that many people do it it’s still shoplifting when you take something without paying for it. Crazy, I know! Both men and women murder people. Should we stop calling it murder? Hang on tight because I know you’re never going to believe this! Despite the fact that both men and women murder people it’s still called murder and it’s still illegal.

How about this? How about we stop calling it cheating when the person is no longer cheating? If you both agree you want to open the marriage up I wouldn’t call that cheating. That’s an open relationship. You agree on monogamy and then you go fuck your secretary behind your wife’s back? That’s cheating. Doesn’t even matter if said wife is fucking the pool boy behind your back. You agreed on monogamy. You’re both liars. And yeah, even though you’re both lying to the other it’s still lying. Lying is when you don’t tell the truth. That doesn’t change depending on who’s doing it or how often. Quite honestly, in that situation I might even suggest an open marriage for the two of you. But as long as you both agree that you want a monogamous relationship you are cheating when you do the opposite of what you said you wanted.

It’s natural and consensual.

No, it’s not. It’s only consensual if everyone is in agreement- not just the two people hooking up behind their partners’ backs. I assure you the duped spouse, or spouses, is/are not consenting. They weren’t even given the option. The consensual part is only on the cheaters’ side. The betrayed spouses have absolutely no say in the matter.

Maybe what you meant to say is, “It’s selfish and a clear example of entitlement.”

It’s Not You; It’s Them

I’m a little behind the times so I’m sure everyone has heard by now about Adam Levine, his “flirty” text messages, and his Instagram model. What the hell is an Instagram model anyway? Is it one of those people who can’t actually make it in the real fashion world so they plaster social media with pictures and after a certain number of followers they call themselves models?

Here’s my quick take on it:

  1. This is yet more proof that it’s not about you, what you look like, what you do, what you don’t do. The guy was married to the epitome of male fantasies (I’ll spare you my spiel on how I don’t really feel that most supermodels are the prettiest people out there; they simply have the “correct” body type) and he still stepped out.
  2. I feel sorry for his pregnant wife and I really hope she tosses his sorry ass out the door, although I doubt that will happen. As horrible as betrayal and divorce is it has to be that much more difficult when it’s playing out in a public forum.
  3. I have no pity for the Instagram model. Her opening shot was, “So I had an affair with a married man who is married to a Victoria’s Secret model.” Why does anyone need to know what his wife does? Would she have been just as eager to say, “So I had an affair with a married man who is married to a vet tech,”? Or a nurse? Or a secretary? Or a super hot and really funny BSA Analyst? Scratch that- make that BSA Analyst II.

I guess most people properly roasted her, especially considering her entire post painted her as the victim even as she’s sharing this married man moaning and groaning over her and how “hot” she is. But some defended her, pointing out as always that “she didn’t owe the wife anything; she didn’t cheat. He was the one that made vows to his wife.”

Cry me a river. Affairs are a two person crime and she went ahead willingly for the ride. That opening shot is all you need to know. She’s so incredibly hot despite her fame being limited to Instagram (and let’s be honest- how many people had even heard of her until she posted about this affair?) that a man who had A VICTORIA’S SECRET MODEL as a wife wanted to fuck her. And, of course, he wanted to name his baby with his wife after his mistress. All bow down to her glory.

Add to that her tendency to portray herself as the real victim- she was naive, she was young, she was new to the scene, and most of all she felt exploited- and she did not garner a lot of sympathy.

No, I do not accept young, naive, manipulated, yada yada yada. I’m so tired of the whole “a person’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until they’re 25.” So? All that means is you don’t always make the best decisions, or have the best reactions. It doesn’t mean you don’t know right from wrong. You get to vote at age 18. You can enter the military at age 18. And we used to marry off women, and men, too, for that matter, way before they were 25. Women and men both become parents before they’re 25. So don’t talk about your prefrontal cortex to me acting like it excuses every damn stupid thing you do.

New on the scene? Does that mean she didn’t realize she shouldn’t sleep with married men? I’m not a huge Adam Levine or Maroon 5 fan, although I do have some of their songs downloaded, but even I knew he was married.

Exploited? Unknowingly compromised? No, honey, you weren’t. At least I find that extremely difficult to believe. You were a nobody Instagram model and you had a celebrity hitting on you. It must have been very heady at the time. You were probably thinking this was your big opportunity. Sorry he disappointed you. But make no mistake you were a willing accomplice. You didn’t care about his wife. You didn’t care about his two little girls. All you cared about was you and what you could get out of this. This was your shot at fame and money. Even if he lied to you, promising to leave his wife or whatever he needed to say to make you feel special, you are still not the victim.

No, sweetie, the real victim is his pregnant wife. You know, the one who is already the mother of his two young daughters. And if it wasn’t enough that he cheated on her with a trifling ho like you he was also trying to bamboozle her into naming their child after you. It’s a delightful two-fer: If she never finds out he gets the delicious thrill of knowing his child is named after his mistress; if she does find- after the baby is born and named, of course- then she spends the rest of her life always being reminded of her husband’s treachery.

P.S. A fun fact since I’m so far behind in talking about the big celebrity scandals: I believe he is now up to five women he’s been DM’ing. Does this mean Sumner isn’t all that hot after all? At least not hot enough to keep his sole attention. Again, it goes to show you it’s not you; it’s them. This guy was chasing after everyone.