Should Have

September 2015

I know this is a fruitless endeavor but I wanted to psychoanalyze my lying, cheating douchebag of an ex.

Here’s what I think.  He always sees himself as a victim. He doesn’t want to do anything difficult.  He is a coward of epic proportions.  That completely explains his behavior with his kids.  He gets to run off every weekend and hang out with kids that think he’s so wonderful because he’s putting on this big act and throwing money at them.  His own kids are pissed off and hate his guts right now.  Talk to Picasso or Rock Star?  They might say something mean to me!  That’s why he leaves shit in the mailbox for Rock Star instead of putting it on the island where he might encounter me and Picasso.  That’s why he didn’t call her back.  That’s why he only communicates with her through texting.  Hell, that’s why he couldn’t grow a pair and tell his fucking mother to stop communicating with his fucking whore when he was supposedly reconciling with me!  Wah- if I talk to her about this then that means I have to face the fact that I did a bad thing.  That makes me feel bad.  I don’t like feeling bad.  Let’s just move on and pretend this never happened.  Dammit, why can’t you just act like nothing happened?  Be friends with my mom and sister!  That makes life so much easier for ME!  That’s why he could never stand up for me and constantly threw me under the bus.  It was so much easier than taking a stand.  Fucking chicken shit!

He looks down on everyone else which is why the only people that really get along with him and think he’s fabulous are those who work under him.  With them he feels superior so he doesn’t have to be a know it all dickhead. He’s never had a boss that he likes; he only likes them once they are no longer his boss.  He thinks he’s always the smartest guy in the room and resents anyone being able to tell him what to do or thinking that they are actually, gasp, his boss!  He is surrounding himself with sycophants who tell him exactly what he wants to hear.  Oh, don’t you worry, honey, you deserve to fuck your cousin.  Your happiness is the only thing that matters.  Your wife was so mean to you.  She didn’t appreciate you.  Leave her!  You deserve so much more.

His whore is a complete downgrade.  She’s a manipulative, deceitful, gold digging whore.  She obviously doesn’t give a shit that she’s tearing apart a family, or that his kids hate him now and he may end up with absolutely no relationship with either of them.  I don’t believe she’s ever actually owned a home and she’s living in a dump right now. She’s been arrested at least 3 times.  She lies. She told Zack her husband had put her into bankruptcy three times because of his spending.  Turns out they declared once, when their business closed, and it’s her and her daughter who spend money like water. I suppose that explains her arrest for writing bad checks.  Seriously?  How many fucking bad checks do you need to write before they send your ass to jail?  She sends naked pictures to her neighbor.  She has cheated on her husband numerous times.  Zack is not her first rodeo.  And probably won’t be her last once she realizes he is not the money tree he is projecting himself to be.   She’s giving him all the ego stroking he desires.  He felt like he could never make me happy and we all know that he just can’t cope when things aren’t going his way.  But here is this gold digging whore and she tells him all the time how wonderful he is and how she loves him.  No, sweetie, she loves your money.  And once that’s gone, she will be, too. In the end I think he is able to feel superior to her.  He’s a knight in shining armor for her.  He comes in and saves the day and the poor little piece of white trash is oh so thankful for her sugar daddy who buys whatever she and her kids wants.  He was never my superior.  Ever.  He may have thought he was a time or two, but in the end he knew he wasn’t.  I was there when he lost his job and witnessed his humiliation.  I was there every time he lost his shit over some minor random crap.  He couldn’t be the big strong man because I already knew who and what he was.  With her he gets a redo.  And if he ends up living in a city three hours from her and only seeing her on the weekends, well that will be perfect because he can probably keep his act up a lot longer.

And what is with this bullshit of instantly falling in love with every fucking female you fuck?  I can understand falling in love with me. I’m awesome.  🙂  He was also single.  I was single.  There were no children involved.  No marriages to destroy.  Nobody got hurt when we got together and threw caution to the wind and married 7 months after meeting.  But this?  I already know that 2 years ago he had decided to leave me, was in love with her, and plotting to move all of us 2000 miles across the country for the dumb bitch after less than 2 weeks of her simply *telling* him how much she wanted to suck his dick.  I guess her trumped up sob stories gave him a stiffie. Now this time he’s gone even further.

I seriously believe he’s lost his damn mind.  Seriously.  How do you go from loving your wife of 20 years to fucking your cousin?  How do you decide almost overnight to start sending her thousands of dollars, sell off the rest of your stock, open up a checking account in her town, and start this new life with her and her kids when you’re still fucking married with 2 kids?  How do you do this when you’re still messing around with your wife twice a day?  I sometimes feel like he just made a preemptive strike.  Well, she’s not happy; I can never make her happy.  I know she’s going to leave me so I’m going to fuck my whore of a cousin and leave her first.

But you know what?  I’m going to be ok.  I’m going to be better than ok.  I should have left the first damn time.  I should have thrown all his damn clothes out the door and told the kids and divorced his lying, cheating ass the first time I discovered his lies.  I should have left when I discovered he was throwing me under the bus to everyone who would listen.  I should have left when I realized that he and the truth had stopped existing on the same plane.  I should have left when he resumed drinking.  I should have left when he refused to continue therapy.  So many bread crumbs that were showing me what was up but I hung in there.  I’m not a quitter!  I’m not going to be a statistic; I don’t want my kids growing up in a broken home.  I will never divorce if it’s up to me!  That’s me.  Loyal until the end.  Persevering even when I should have kicked his ass to the curb.

He won’t be able to keep this up.  His natural setting is misery and unhappiness.  He can keep up the act for a while, 6 months, maybe a year.  But eventually his true personality will come out.  Something will happen that will throw him off balance and once again he’ll be a simpering, whimpering mess.  She’ll find out he’s not much for helping out around the house, or watching kids, or having to help shoulder the load.  As my brother said about his potential move: That works out perfect for him.  He gets to be by himself all week, watching tv and talking to no one and then on the weekends he goes to see her and play the part of happy involved family man.

I think once we go to court and he realizes what he’s going to be paying in spousal support and child support and marital debt division he’s going to have a real awakening.  She might get a taste of the real Zack that very day.  Holy shit!  How am I going to do this?  I have to pay my future ex-wife anywhere between a large amount and an even larger amount per month.  I owe her money for her share of the stock I liquidated without her knowledge and I owe her even more for all the money I either gave to or spent on my whore and her kids.  She’s taking half of my 401k, and at the balance it was before I took out my loan, plus she gets half of my pension.  She’s putting me in charge of paying for the kids’ cell phones and their allowances.  I’ve got my whore’s cell phone and her daughter’s cell phone at $231.  I have a monthly payment for the loan I took out.  I have rent because she won’t let me live there anymore.  I need cable and I have to pay for utilities.

The second lawyer I talked to believes he will be assigned more than half of the marital debt.  He may be looking at a second job.  Good luck!  You still need to buy food, gas, Kodiak and wine. Just getting down to his home state each weekend runs him about $70 at least so $280 conservatively for the month.  He goes through 3-4 cans of Kodiak.  I think it might even be more than that.  …he goes through probably 3 boxes of wine at a minimum; those are $20 a pop so $60 easily on wine.  Per week.  If I am able to get the remainder of the amount of money we still need to pay for the pool and my car loan included in the marital debt he’s fucked! ….

He also doesn’t like being embarrassed.  Watch him go ballistic when his card is declined.  Oh, if that threw him off wait until he realizes everyone he works with knows he’s fucking his cousin.  I’ve been invited several times by his boss to attend church with them.  It would be a shame if I somehow let it slip that we were divorcing because of his affair with his cousin.  Oh, I thought you knew that with all of that time he was taking off.  Yeah, he’s been leaving every weekend to go play house with his cousin and her kids.  He has essentially abandoned his own kids.  He lives here in the house still because he refuses to move out but he hasn’t spoken face to face with his daughter since August and he’s had one conversation with his son where he was basically trying to defend his affair with his cousin.  Not to mention I have a friend who is very close to one of his co-workers and his wife.  She’s responsible for getting them together.  I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it just slips out inadvertently.  Ooops, sorry, I figured you knew!  Our pool contractor works with Zack’s boss’s best friend.  Oops, sorry, I thought you knew.  It’s a small town.  Zack may be popular with the people on the floor but I’m pretty sure that most everyone in the office thinks he’s a pompous ass.  Once they realize he’s fucking his cousin… or rather, once he realizes they know he’s cheating on his wife after moving his entire family across the country and fucking his cousin he will be mortified.  He whined and cried and begged me not to tell the kids the last time?  Oh, that’s nothing compared to when everyone realizes the great Zack X is fucking his whore of a cousin.

Facebook After Infidelity & Conversations With the Kids

I’m still waiting on the judge’s decision so nothing new from me right now. I have a lot of posts in my drafts section but they are all about things I don’t want to publish until after the divorce. Maybe I’ll loosen up a little as time goes by if I have to wait much longer. Strangely, I’m not really nervous. I’m expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

September 2015

Doing a bit better today.  I should probably stay off of Facebook for a while because all of these anniversary announcements make me sad.  For 2 years I wanted to be able to shout it out:  Happy Anniversary to the love of my life!  But he ruined that.  Every year when it rolled around I couldn’t do it.  I was hoping this year would be different.  I think that it probably would have been.  I was pretty much healed.  And now…. well, now it’s just over.  There won’t be a 21st anniversary.  Oh, technically we’ll be married 21 years at the time of our divorce.  But I won’t count it.  Not when he’s out fucking his whore.  And then you have the memories they share with you.  A year ago today I was talking about Picasso commenting on Zack playing football “back in the day”.  And 2 years ago I posted a meme about him having an awesome wife.  I wrote:  And he knows it, don’t you?  To which he replies:  I do.  Of course I do!  Just fucking heartbreaking stuff.

I took the kids out to dinner last night.  Rock Star tells me she’s terrified of her dad.  Why she’s not exactly sure but she is.  She’s afraid he’s going to hit me.  She wants to start up a hate page about the whore.  Tonight she said he wouldn’t care if they didn’t spend Father’s Day with him or not because he would be too busy with his other kids.  I find that sad.  I also find it extremely hypocritical.  He’s been so busy criticizing my one brother for walking away from his daughter and yet what does he do?  He’s planning on moving away to be with his whore and her kids.  She really hates him.

I did try to remind them of the good times they’ve had with him.  Unfortunately those good times are all clouded over now by his lies and his behavior.  Picasso said he didn’t recall his dad going to Disneyland with us.  And then he made a comment that he was probably all excited about it because he knew he was moving to our new state soon to be with his girlfriend.

He’s worried that I’m going to have to get a job.  He told me he likes having me here.  He’s not fond of his dad either.  I think with him it’s more of a disappointment.

They were giving me their list of requirements for a new dad, not that I’ll ever remarry.  Rock Star wants me to marry someone rich.  Picasso wants me to marry someone who will be involved because, as he puts it, “I’ve never had an involved dad.”  He was sad when I told him I wouldn’t ever remarry; that’s when he brought up the job.  I guess maybe he thinks that if I remarry I won’t have to go back to work.

Every day brings new questions.  My mom googled whether or not you could get a home loan using only spousal support.  The answer was yes but you had to show a divorce decree and have been receiving it consistently for a year.  So…. looks like I’m not going anywhere for over a year.  I may get lucky and be able to move into a rental place if it’s someone a friend of mine here knows.  Otherwise, I’m screwed with that as well!  So if his next company offers him a house buyout he may not be able to take it.  Take that, you bastard!

Every day brings new twinges of sadness, things you don’t always think about.  Yesterday I was driving somewhere, maybe to dinner, I suddenly thought to myself:  Our house isn’t going to be decorated for Christmas this year. At least not on the outside.  He always did that.  And then my next thought was:  Of course, I’m sure he’ll decorate hers.

I try to feel the feelings and then move on quickly because it doesn’t help to dwell.  Sometimes I am enraged when I think about all that he is taking away from us.  Then I tell myself:  You have a great opportunity to reinvent yourself and your life with your kids.  Create some new traditions.  You are no longer going to be brought down by his behavior and his moods.

More and more I’m realizing just how incredibly selfish and self centered he is, and always was.  It was always about him and the amazing thing is if you asked him he would tell you it was never about him.  No, it was always about him.  His moods, his wants, his needs, his peace, his quiet, his feelings.  Don’t talk while Dad is watching tv.  He doesn’t want to have to pause the damn television show.  Don’t tell him you’re mad.  Don’t tell him you’re sad.  Don’t tell him something doesn’t work. Hell, I told him I hated the fact that everyone in his damn family still kept in touch with his whore and his response was:  I can’t control what they do.  God forbid he do anything difficult!  I told my mom today that I was pretty close to being done when he bought that bourbon after his psychiatrist appointment.  And when he stopped therapy.  I know that aside from the money I am going to be so much better off without him.  Even if I never have another single date.  Even if I never fall in love again.


The One Where My Husband Got Engaged and Harley Posts On Facebook


Still waiting on the judgement so I’m still posting Blasts From the Past. This one is about the time I found out CF and Harley were engaged and my daughter saw Harley posting on Facebook about “missing the comfort she had grown accustomed to.” Yeah, that comfort is another woman’s husband, bitch!

September 2015

These past 2 days have been exhausting.  I think I cried more in these last 2 days than I have in the previous 28.  I know I have because other than when I told the kids I haven’t cried at all.

So in the latest installment of “My Husband is a Giant Lying Douchebag” I find out Harley is wearing a diamond ring.  So nice they’re engaged before he’s even divorced.  He’s put a deposit down on a Great Dane puppy.  He’s interviewing for a job in Indianapolis.  And according to the whore, the last time he was discovered he didn’t have enough time to liquidate his assets to get out.  Oh, his “business trip” for Mars?  Not a business trip according to my source.  She had to go to Nashville, he said, for work and Zack went with her.  Apparently there is another trip in the works this coming weekend.  I think it’s fantastic how his PTSD and anxiety have magically disappeared!

Then there was the drama.  Whore posts on Facebook last week after her long Labor Day weekend with another woman’s husband:  Sleepless night.  I miss the comfort I’ve grown so accustomed to.  My daughter sees this.  My daughter is furious.  She sends her “father” a text, telling him it is distressing to see his mistress posting all over social media about sleeping with him.  She goes on to tell him that she knows he doesn’t give a shit about her mother but she thought he at least cared about her and Picasso but apparently not since he leaves every weekend.  She follows it up with how she gets that the whore is sleeping with him while he’s still married but maybe she shouldn’t be posting that all over social media. She signed it your daughter Rock Star X (soon to be Awesome) in case you forgot. His reply is epic:

Rock Star, I love you with all of my heart.  You and your brother will not speak to me and I know that is all my fault.  I don’t know if you will ever speak to me again but you will never be able to say that I don’t love you completely.  You ARE my daughter.  You will always be my daughter and I will always be there for anything you need.

I leave on the weekend because I am not welcome there.  I am paying for everything and I am not welcome at all.  Everyone eats and I starve even though I paid for it.  The doors are locked every time I walk out the door.  And there are now bells on it for some reason.

There is nothing on social media at all.  I don’t know who told you that or what you saw, but it was nothing that was posted by her.  I love you so much and I wish we could talk.  If you want to change your name that is your decision.  But I will always be your father.

Outstanding!  I don’t know why I continue to be amazed at his ability to make himself out to be the victim.  That was truly amazing though.  I did not see that twist coming.  He only leaves every weekend because he’s not welcome here.  It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s fucking his cousin.  If only I would cook him dinner and bring him a plate, do his laundry and let him know how happy I am that he’s having an affair and deserting us he’d stick around!  Do you KNOW these kids, asshole?

The part about the bells makes me laugh every time I read it.  Like, genuinely laugh.  And there are bells on the door now!  The inhumanity!  Can you believe it?  My brother told me if that sets him off I should put bells everywhere!

I love how on one hand he tells her he’ll always be there for her knowing that on the other hand he’s actively trying to move outside the state.  His daughter tells him she’s changing her name to my maiden name and his response is it’s her choice but he’ll always be her father?????  Hey, asshole, take a minute to get your dick out of your whore’s pussy and look around!  Your daughter is begging you to fight for her but you’re so damn busy impressing people that you shouldn’t be that you can’t see what’s right in front of your face!

My daughter is a rockstar though.  She turns right around and tells him:  First of all you’re not paying for everything and yes she is posting shit so don’t you dare try and lie to me about that.  She goes on to send him a screenshot of his little whore’s post.  Then adds:  And also nobody’s eating because everybody is so stressed about everything.  I will not eat because I have no appetite because I am so stressed.

And then once again he plays the poor hapless victim:  I didn’t see that post.  I wasn’t trying to lie to you.  And you need to eat or you are going to get sick.  But you’re never going to listen to anything I say ever again.

Eat shit and die, motherfucker!  Excuse me, I meant cousinfucker!

At the same time this is going on my mother discovers that Pastor Fake has liked this particular post.  Now, it could be Tammy Faye using his page but nonetheless, my mother saw red.  And she private messaged him.  Told him that if it wasn’t bad enough that she saw it because her granddaughter found it and pointed it out to her, she then sees where he has liked the post.  She goes on to tell him that she is amazed that he actually likes a post where this person is talking about how much she misses having Zack, Rock Star’s father and her daughter’s husband, in her bed.  You’re supposed to be a man of God, she tells him.  What is your version of the 10 Commandments?  Well done, my mother.

Best part is that all of this was done without me!  My mom saw the post, pointed out to her by Rock Star, and was furious.  Rock Star was pissed off as well.  These are called consequences, folks!  Oh, but I know it’s all my fault.

I hate him so fucking much.  Today I should have a little over $2300 put into our joint account.  It’s what he thinks he’s going to pay me in spousal and child support.  So today when he comes home for lunch I think I’m going to tell him his share of the bills so far is xxxx and he needs to pony up or he can move out.  I’m done being nice.  I tried being civil and living with him but he continues to smack me in the face.  He’s putting just enough in to cover the bills (well, it won’t cover them this pay period) and I’m left pulling money out of savings to buy groceries and anything the kids might need.  Yes, those kids he loves so much and promised that they would never go without anything!  Meanwhile, he has plenty of money to blow on his whore and her kids- diamonds and puppies and cars, oh my!  Why?  Because he takes all of his money and spends it on whatever he wants.  The money I get is spent on bills.  I’m hoping he doesn’t realize I can’t legally force him out of the house.

I’ve been working on the conversation and it goes something like this:  Your share of the household bills comes to xxxx.  He of course will be appalled that I would suggest he pay because he’s already paid in his mind.  So I say:  We’re still married, which means I’m legally entitled to half of your paycheck.  That means that you get $2400 and I get $2400.  I live here in this house and you still live here in this house.  I don’t know why on earth you think my entire $2400 should go towards paying all of the household bills while your $2400 goes towards your whore and her kids.  This is your half of the household bills so far.  I’ll let you know what the electric bill comes to when it comes in.  You can pay half or you can go live in a hotel room.  I would suggest getting your own apartment but I know you’re interviewing for jobs outside of the state so I’m sure you don’t want to get sucked into a one year lease.  I’m done living on savings to buy groceries and whatever your kids need while you live it up like a single bachelor without a care in the world.

And then if he tells me he’ll stop the money coming in to me I’ll tell him fine.  I’ll have the mortgage payments stopped.  It won’t affect my credit but it might make trying to buy a house later on more difficult for him.  You do what you gotta do and I’ll do what I need to do.  You let me know how you think you’re going to look in court when you go before a judge and try to explain why you abruptly cut off your wife of almost 21 years, leaving her, a stay at home wife and mother for over 15 years, with nothing.

Texts From Idiots

I’m still waiting on a verdict, and I’m still pretty superstitious about saying too much before I hear what is happening so I’m going to leave you with CF’s marvelous texts to me in the aftermath of discovering he was a liar and a cheater, and my replies to those texts. Enjoy!

September 2015

Today is shaping up to not be a good day.  I think it’s finally hitting me and I’m crying.  I spent most of yesterday researching spousal support and tax laws and trying to figure out how much to put aside in taxes each month.  That was sure fun!  If he agrees that it won’t be tax deductible for him I may not have to claim it but I don’t expect him to do me any favors.  He’s been such a standup guy so far, right?  Cousinfucker!  I hate his fucking guts.  I told a friend yesterday after she joked about him dying and doing us all a favor that I prayed for that to happen.  Every fucking weekend he goes down there I hope with all my might that he’ll drive his car off a fucking mountain and die.  I go to sleep thinking about it and how I would handle everything afterwards.

First, I would call the phone company and cancel the whore’s cell phone, along with her daughter’s.  Then I would have my lawyer draft a letter to her, demanding the return of the cell phones within 10 days or I’d be suing her.  I’d cremate him and then just throw his ashes away in the dump.  I had originally thought I’d toss them on his mom’s doorstep but I decided that was too good for her.  No funeral.  No memorial service.  No obituary unless I was able to add in there:  He is survived by his wife and 2 kids, his mistress Harley Skank-Tramp and her 4 kids……  And I’m not sure the paper would let me do that.  No headstone.  No marker.  No nothing.  If his family wants to pay for one they are free to do so.  But I’m not spending a dime on the asshole.  They should be thankful I claim the body at all!  And then I’d look into seeing if I could sue Harley for the money Zack gave her since he’s dead.  Oh, oh, oh- I just added a detail.  Instead of informing Tammy Faye and everyone else I would contact Harley.  Hello, whore.  I’m texting you to let you know Zack is dead.  Automobile accident.  You can inform his family because I won’t be.  Or maybe I just wouldn’t contact them at all.  She could find out when her phone was shut off and when he wasn’t answering her texts.  I’m sure she’d call his mother and have her try to contact him.  And then when she couldn’t get ahold of him she’d have to break down and call me to see if I knew where he was.  Yep, the police contacted me a couple days ago.  He’s dead.  I had him cremated.  Good bye.

Thankfully the crying has passed now.  I’m just so overwhelmed sometimes.  I know we have to sell the house.  I could make ends meet- probably- on what he’ll more than likely be ordered to pay, but money would be tight and there would be no savings.  The mortgage is almost $2100/month.  During the summer our electric bill is over $350.  Those 2 payments alone take up almost half of my spousal support.  Then I start looking for a place to rent.  I need a place that will allow pets and it needs to be in my kids’ school zone.  A fenced in backyard would be a plus.  I’ve been looking and it seems like there is nothing that fits that description.  And then I’m looking at $1600/month for a house that’s less than 2000 sq. ft.  I know we have a big house, probably bigger than we need.  But I like our big bedrooms.  I know Rock Star likes not having to share a bathroom with Picasso.  That’s all going to be over.  I can’t find anything with 3 bathrooms that I’ll be able to afford.  I will probably have to go back to work but I’m not going to be making shit and on top of that if Zack knows I’m working he can always take me back to court and try to get spousal support changed.  I’ll probably be working a shit job just to keep our heads afloat.  And meanwhile he’s off having the time of his life.  I swear to God, my goal is to ruin him.  I want him to commit suicide if his fucking car doesn’t crash.  I know I’m evil but I just don’t care.  I want him to hurt like I’ve been hurting, like my kids have been hurting.

I was at a point where I could safely browse Facebook.  I don’t look at his page.  Or hers.  It just hurts too much.  She’s fawning all over him and nobody chimes in, “This is all kinds of fucked up!”  But I do look on my own news feed.  Today, seeing all the happy anniversary wishes just made me so sad.  They already made me sad before because I felt like I just couldn’t participate on our own anniversary, but now seeing all these people celebrating 20+ years made me incredibly sad and I could feel the tears starting.

Anyway, I promised to write about the text I did send when he asked me if I was ok since he didn’t see my car when he left for work at 6 am.  You know, so he could leave early to fuck his bitch.  He said:

Are you ok?  I went to work at 6 and your car was gone.  Just want to make sure you are alright.

I replied:

Am I ok?  Let’s see.  My husband moved me and my kids across the country, uprooting our lives because this move was supposed to make him so happy.  A year to the day that our furniture was delivered to our new house my husband was having sex with his cousin/mistress; in fact, he blew off a family vacation with his wife and kids to be with her.  I’ve been cheated on and lied to.  My kids are scared and upset.  You aren’t even putting enough in our joint account to cover the bills, much less pay for groceries.  Meanwhile you accuse me, your actual legal wife, of stealing from you while you slink off every weekend to be with your mistress and her kids, spend hundreds each weekend, buy Harley and her daughter new iPhone 6s, and pay their cell phone bill.  So no, I’m not ok.  I’ve lost 25 pounds in less than a month, my blood pressure is sky high, and I’m left cleaning up your mess while you go off and play without a care in the world.  The time to care about whether or not I’m ok was before you went off and started having yet another affair with Harley.  It’s a little too late to act concerned about me now.  Oh, and btw, my car was in the garage.

That took place the Friday of Labor Day weekend where he left to spend 3 glorious days with the cunt and her bratty kids.  He never responded.  Gee, I wonder why not.

Then we have my favorite- the text where he wants us to work together to make this less stressful on everyone.  I’m pissing myself I’m laughing so hard.  Here it is in its glorious entirety:

Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

So stop all of this foolishness.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that.  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years.  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together.  So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.

And finally, here’s what I really want to say; my responses are in bold:  Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. Oh, I’m sorry.  Are you stressed?  Whatever would you be stressed out over?  You are fucking your whore every weekend, thinking the two of you are going to be living on easy street while I’m saddled with all the bills and left explaining everything to your kids because you’re such a pathetic coward you can’t do anything that might be difficult.  You want this to be less stressful?  Maybe you should have thought about that before you started fucking your whore of a cousin!  I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  I didn’t throw anything out, you whiney little asshole!  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  Are you seriously getting your panties in a twist over the fact I took our wedding pictures down?  Or do you think the fact that I’ve wasted the last 21 years of my life on such a pathetic loser is supposed to mean something to me?  Because it doesn’t.  You are nothing to me.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  Wow- what a fucking hero! Are you fucking serious?  You actually think that fucking another woman one year to the day after you’ve moved me and my kids 2000 miles across the country, tearing them away from everything they know and love, is some sort of noble act? You really have lost your goddamn mind! I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.  So which one is it?  Am I well provided for, or am I taking a hit?  Are your children going to live in poverty because Daddy is too busy showing off for his skank ass cousin and her fucking kids, or are you going to step up and actually be a father to them and provide for them?  Actually, don’t answer that because I’ve talked to two lawyers and both of them have come up with a far higher number than that piddly ass one you threw out at me.  Don’t you worry your little bald head about me paying you back.  You are going to pay and pay and pay.  Believe me when I tell you that MY kids will NEVER take a backseat to her or her kids, financially.  When I’m done taking my share you are going to be left with nothing.  Hey, do you think Harley will be as madly in love with you when you’ve got about $200/month to your name and she needs to work double shifts to help pay my spousal support?  Do you think her kids will think you are as wonderful when you can’t fulfill the promises you’ve made to them?  I mean, she’s already sending naked pictures to other men and her kids already talk shit about you behind your back; if you can’t buy them off how do you think they’ll treat you then?

So stop all of this foolishness. What foolishness?  I think you’ve fared very well.  I haven’t outed you to everyone on Facebook. I haven’t yelled and screamed or threatened.  I haven’t thrown all your shit out or burned it.  And believe me, those are all suggestions I’ve had from well meaning friends. I just have no desire to see your ugly face, much less have a conversation with you.  I find you revolting.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this. 1.  Why don’t you tell your children you love them yourself?  Are you too much of a coward to face them?  Would seeing the hurt and devastation on their faces be too unpleasant for you?  Tough shit!  How do you think I felt when I was left all alone to tell our kids that you were leaving us for another woman?  How do you think I felt when I had to tell them you were fucking your cousin, that everyone in your sick, pathetic family knew and were ok with it, and that we were getting a divorce?  How do you think I feel every time they ask me if we’re going to have to move, or why on earth did you let us get a pool if you were fucking around with the whore, and will they be able to continue going to their same schools?  I don’t know who the fuck lied to you and told you fucking another woman and leaving your wife and kids for her would be easy. 2. I am acting like an adult.  Unfortunately for you that does not include having to have any kind of a relationship with my cheating, lying asshole of an ex-husband!  I know that would be easier on you because you have a long history of not wanting to have to do anything difficult but it’s no longer my job to baby you or make things easy. I have absolutely no desire to be friends with you.  No desire to have any type of a relationship with you.  Our kids are old enough that you can communicate with them.  I don’t need to tell you shit.  I don’t care to surround myself with liars and cheaters and that’s all you are.  You are a pathetic loser and I want nothing to do with you.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that. Fuck off!  I am the only parent these kids have known.  You were always too busy holing up in your room and fucking around with Harley to be much of a father to them.  And you can stick your “gratefulness” up your ass, Cousinfucker!  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future. What utter bullshit!  I will not lie to my kids like that.  I am NOT happy for you.  You cheated on me and left me for another woman.  You are seriously delusional if you think I will ever be happy about that.  As far as you being happy for me?  Well, gee, isn’t that big of you?  Last time I checked I didn’t have a boyfriend waiting in the wings for me.  I’m not the one walking away from everything leaving you with all the responsibilities.  I’m not the one running off every weekend to be with someone else.  I’m not the one who has hurt our children.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years. Oh please!  I am not depressed and my “depression” has not heightened.  I’ve been dealing with a whiney, douchebag of a husband who takes off and fucks his cousin the first chance he gets.  I’ve been dealing with your first affair with Harley, moving across the country knowing we were moving here because of her, dealing with the fact that I’m not allowed to ever be sad or triggered by anything in regards to said affair, adjusting to life in Whoreville, and then with your fucking downward spiral and all your friends and relatives who couldn’t be bothered the last 20 fucking years to be there for you encouraging you to leave me, and finally with your drinking and all your “anxiety” and “PTSD”.  You have absolutely drained me! Maybe instead of getting your little fee fees hurt because everything wasn’t going your way you could have put on your big boy pants and actually talked to me!  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together. No shit.  It’s a little difficult to be good together when you’re fucking your cousin. So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.  You don’t need to worry about “our” children.  They hate you and want nothing to do with you. And you don’t need to worry about us working on this.  Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer.  Live it up, Loverboy because once we get before a judge your world is going to be rocked.

More Truths Are Revealed

August 2015

Well, my dear husband is off again.  Supposedly to Blockhead’s but The Saint tells me he’s going to Harley’s.  My mother is driving down to get proof for me.  As soon as I told her she jumped in the car and went.  She’s about 3 hours into the trip.  It should take him 6 hours, assuming he doesn’t stop, if he really ever does stop.  Maybe all this anxiety stuff is just a bunch of bullshit.

He’s withdrawn $300 out of savings and he’s done it 5 times since June 22nd.  The Saint also told me he bought her 2 new iPhone 6s.  So the Verizon bill that is supposedly for his mom and Pastor Fake is actually for the whore and her daughter.  He promised her kids a Great Dane puppy and to buy her daughter a car.  That was after he fixed her truck.  He’s so dead to me.  And he is going to be in for such a rude awakening when he’s left with $1600/month.  He has to pay rent, utilities, buy gas, buy alcohol and Kodiak, and buy food.  Wonder how much she’ll want him then.

Two Days After the Bomb

August 2015

I talked to a lawyer today.  Huge relief.  He crunched some numbers for me and said while he might be a few dollars off it was pretty accurate…  Wonder how he’s going to send his “mom” money when that’s all he’s got.  Plus, in addition to child support and spousal support I will see if I can get it ordered to have him be responsible for at least 50% of extracurriculars and any medical expenses above a simple co-pay.  I think we will have to cut back some, although I’m assuming we’ll each be responsible for 50% of the marital debt… I’m just so glad to hear I don’t have to move my kids yet again and I don’t need to worry about my pets.

Oh, and get this.  According to The Saint it was Tammy Faye who encouraged Harley to call Zack because he was so sad.  Can you believe that shit?  He also told me that Zack has been sending her money and bought her a lawn mower the last time he was there.  He’s paying for her divorce.  And he bought her daughter some ridiculously expensive thing she wanted.

You know, I keep wanting him to be mistaken.  Maybe he had partial information and tried to put 2 and 2 together.

My plan right now is to do my best to follow him the next time he takes off.  Ideally he would tell me he’s going to his home state and I would definitely trail him there.  If his next visit is supposed to be to Blockhead’s I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  He could go and have her meet him there.  Or he could be lying completely and actually going to his home state.  Either way I want to see it for myself.

I told him the last time that if he ever pulled anything like this again there would be no more chances and I would make what Husband #2’s Ex-Wife did to him seem like a walk in the park.  I really would like to keep my family together if possible but if it’s not possible I’m ready to move forward.  I can do this.  I’m strong and I’m worth being loved.


And…. the Bomb Detonates

August 2015

Two years later and I’m dealing with another fucking D-Day.  Just got a message from The Saint and he gave me his phone number.  We had a nice long talk.  I’m not sure how long it’s been going on but she went to the fucking funeral with him.  And there was a reunion last time he went and he saw her then.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point.  I don’t want to ruin my kids’ lives yet again.  There’s no fucking way we can sell this house and get what we’ve put into it.  I’ve got 3 dogs and 3 cats and what the hell am I going to do with them? Oh, and not that it matters anymore but he texted me at 11:30 and said he had to turn around because he had keys in his briefcase so he left this morning.  Then he had an accident.  Good!  I wish he had fucking died!


Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

August 2015

Texted him good morning around 11 and then that he would need to pick up Rock Star from cheerleading tomorrow.  He finally texted back around 3:30 so I asked him if he was on the road.  No, not yet.  I texted him around 5 to ask if he was on the road again or if he was just going to stay another day.  Haven’t heard back from him.

Then, since I’ve been keeping track of all our expenses I checked the account.  Another $228 to Wal-Mart.  In Whore Town.  Surely he can’t be that stupid, can he?  He said before he didn’t know why it would say Whore Town because she had bought stuff in a different city.

I hate this!  He won’t be home until at least 11. Probably later.  And I don’t give a shit how tired he is tomorrow.

Next fucking time he goes to his home state I’m trailing his ass down there.  I don’t care how I have to do it.  I’m sick of this.  I’m sick of being a basket case.  I’m sick of wondering why the hell his phone is tied to his side.  I’m sick of wondering if he’s going to leave me or if he no longer loves me.  He better not have brought me here only to turn around and leave me.

And it gets better.  Jezebel posted pictures of her and Zack, captioned a surprise visit from my brother.  Haven’t seen him in almost 2 years.  Not only does Harley like the pictures, but her sister says, “I seen him at the family reunion.  It had been years!  It was great to see him.  So glad you all got to get together.”  WHAT?  What fucking family reunion?  I’m hoping it was autocorrect and she meant she say it has been years.  It damn well better be.  I mean, I know his cousin died.  That’s not in dispute.  But I guess the funeral really could have taken place on Friday at 1 and then he could have gone to this family reunion.


The Day Before D-Day

August 2015

No better today.  I ended up texting him around 8 last night.  Got no reply so I called.  He was napping.  He’s not planning on leaving until around 2 or 3 this afternoon.  I got to see pictures of him and Jezebel on FB.  Always good to know he’s hanging around her.  My mom is pissed since I told her he’s no longer seeing his psychologist and he went to His home state again.  I’m not very happy about it either.  I can’t stand confrontation but I’m not sure how else things will move forward.  How does he not see it’s wrong to stay holed up in the bedroom while he’s home, ignoring me and the kids, but he can drive to his home state for a funeral of a cousin he has barely spoken to in 20+ years?  He’s planning on driving to see Blockhead soon and then he’s going to his fucking reunion in October.

I’m tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.  I’m not the one who cheated.  I’m not the one who lied all summer long.  I’m not the one who hasn’t been around for years at a time.  I’m not the one encouraging people to leave their spouse.  So why the hell am I the one feeling like I have to fix everything?

I’m picking Rock Star up at noon and then I think I’m taking a pill to help calm my nerves.  I keep telling myself to breathe and to slow down.  He loves me.  He fears every day that I’m going to leave him.  He’s not having an affair.  You don’t have all the facts and you’re going off half cocked.  I’m just ready to die and the only thing that keeps me going is my kids.  I can’t do that to them.


Two Days Before D-Day

August 2015

It’s now 5:41 and I have yet to hear from my dear husband today.  I decided to wait it out and see if he would text me first.  I guess not.  I guess it completely slips his fucking mind that him being in his home state, a mere one hour away from HER might cause ME just a wee bit of anxiety.  Along with his staunch refusal to take either of the kids.  I think I’m going to take a pill tonight.  I just can’t function.  I’m on autopilot and thinking about crashing my car again.  Am I being totally ridiculous with wanting some contact?  I was looking at old texts from him, sent just a year ago and they are so damn different than what I get now.  Maybe it’s all the newness wearing off.  Maybe he was just missing me seeing as how we were apart.  But I miss it.  I miss what he turned into for that short amount of time.  And I’m getting pissed because he has done squat to keep in touch.  I keep telling myself that he wouldn’t cash in pretty much all of his stock on this swimming pool only to turn around and leave me.  I keep telling myself that I don’t know that Blockhead is telling him to divorce me.  I just don’t freaking know anything anymore.  He’s making me crazy and at least one of us needs to stay sane for these kids!

Present Day Sam Says:  He was probably too busy setting up his joint checking account with Harley to get back to me. Oh, and an hour away from her? No, she was there at the funeral with him. It’s date night, y’all! Complete with his mommy as chaperone and introducing her to everyone in his family!

Writing this right now makes me realize that everyone in his damn family knew that our marriage was over and that I was being replaced before I ever had a clue. Talk about humiliating.