Holiday PSA

It’s that time of year once again. You know the one I’m speaking of, right? It’s when people take to social media to tout how amazing they are because they continue to “put the children first” and spend holidays together. I’m sure you’ve seen at least one of them.

My ex and I chose to put our children first and our egos last and that’s why we spend every holiday together. Even though my ex cheated, lied, had two children with the affair partner, had me involuntarily committed to a psych ward, filed a restraining order against me, broke my arm, threw me through a plate glass window, methodically poisoned me, had me arrested, brought the affair partner into our home and had sex in our bed, turned all of our friends and family against me, financially ruined me, took our dog to the pound, and threatened to kill me, I don’t let that get in the way of doing what’s best for my children. It’s not about me and my feelings; it’s about them. And yes, of course the affair partner and their love children attend as well. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the gifts and then they come and take all the glory. But it’s for the kids so how can I complain? I’m setting a stellar example for my children. It’s too bad some of you are so angry and bitter you can’t put that aside for your children. They didn’t ask for this! I made the decision to love my children more than I hated my ex and you can, too! Do better. Be like me

If this kind of thing appeals to you and it doesn’t make your skin crawl to celebrate the holidays with a lying cheater then by all means continue doing so. It is not my goal to discourage a cooperative relationship if you and your spouse can have one. My job, however, is to tell you that you’re not an awful person if it doesn’t appeal to you. You are not damaging your children if you cannot bring yourself to celebrate the holidays with your ex.

I hate this tripe every time it comes out. And it comes out in many different forms. You have the very obvious where someone is patting themselves on the back for welcoming the ex home for the holidays, and then you have the less obvious ones. The ones where the prevailing wisdom is always, “Think about your kids and what they would want.” Of course, that’s always the advice when Parent #2 plans an elaborate vacation somewhere exotic and enticing over Parent #1’s holiday time. Or when Parent #1 is being cajoled into being Parent #2’s helpful little Christmas elf.

Hell, it wasn’t that long ago someone on a support board was venting about her ex-husband, the former mother-in-law, and the affair accomplice turned wife’s mother all contacting her, asking her for gift ideas for the daughter. People were giving her shit for not wanting to do the mental work of thinking of things this child may like for Christmas. I believe the girl is around 11 or 12. Definitely old enough that she could be asked directly. I’ve taken that approach many times and found it to be quite successful. Apparently that takes away all the magic of Christmas. Who knew? I guess the thinking was if the child had to actually tell someone what she wanted then she wouldn’t be nearly as surprised if she received that item at Christmas.

Adult: Amelia, what would you like for Christmas this year?

Amelia: Well, I was hoping for an American Girl doll, a new pair of pink Ugg boots, and an iPad. I also like to draw so any kind of art supplies are always great.

Christmas time comes. Amelia opens up a gift. It’s an iPad.

Amelia: Damn, this would have been so much more magical if they just knew I wanted an iPad. Now it seems anticlimactic. I’m not sure I even want it anymore. If only my mom had put me first and come up with a list of gift ideas to give everyone else so I didn’t have to speak the words out loud and manifest my own gifts.

You know what the kicker is, folks? Mom and Dad have 50/50 custody! That’s right. Mom does not have the child any more than Dad does, and yet somehow, it all falls on her. Why? Because Dad’s head is firmly stuck up affair accomplice turned wife-tress’s ass. Because Dad’s focus is on new wife and stepdaughter to the detriment of his own child. Because Dad doesn’t know his kid. Dad wanted 50/50 custody but he didn’t actually want to do any of the parenting required. And yet people are perfectly willing to tell Mom that she needs to “think of her child” and “do what’s best” for her. She’s been accused of ruining the magic of Christmas for her child, told that she obviously knows her child better than anyone so it falls on her to get answers to everyone who asks (again- despite her only having her child 50% of the time and having the exact amount of time as Dad does), accused of not wanting her child to have an amazing Christmas because what if she doesn’t get what she wants for Christmas, and so on and so forth. Every bad thing that might happen because she doesn’t feel it’s her job to tell three people who are not related to her what her child might want for Christmas will rest on her shoulders.

They can fuck all the way off with all that bullshit.

I saw another one where the ex asked the cheated on wife what she wanted for Christmas. He wanted to buy her either two $100 gifts or one $200 gift for the kids to give her. Apparently, “I don’t want anything from you, you jackass!” was not an appropriate response. At least to some.

One lovely lady replied, “I would tell him what I want but then I’m not bitter or petty.” Bless your heart.

In what world do we live that we are obligated to accept gifts from people we do not like?

Others suggested giving him ideas because it would make her kids happy to be able to give her a Christmas gift and watch her open it.

I think what they fail to realize is that she’s probably not going to be all that happy opening an unwanted gift from her ex, even if he’s doing it under the guise of “from the children”.

I’ve given some thought as to why this irritates me so much. After all, if some couples are able to get along great, do holidays and vacations together, watch each other’s children, buy each other gifts, housesit for one another, and be a gestational surrogate or sperm donor for the ex, what’s the harm? Good for them! What a blessing!

Here’s what I realized. These people that put these stories out there aren’t doing it for altruistic reasons. They aren’t writing about it because they want to show people that there’s another way. They aren’t writing about it to say, “Gosh, crazy things can happen. I never thought it would happen to me either but it did.” No, they write to make themselves feel superior. They write about it to look down on others who don’t do it the same way they do. They write about it to shame those that refuse to participate in the illusion.

Kids first, egos last.

Because God forbid you recognize that something makes you uncomfortable. God forbid you recognize that a situation is not good for you. If only you would put your ego aside and concentrate on your children spending the holidays with your ex and his pregnant mistress wouldn’t bother you.

I had to love my children more than I hated my ex.

What does this even mean? Every insane idea that an ex has must be approved? Every request, no matter how intrusive or disruptive, must be granted? Regardless of how difficult a situation may be for me, personally, if I love my children I suck it up and put myself through hell?

What are we talking about anyway? I shouldn’t engage in a screaming match at my child’s graduation ceremony? Yeah, I got that. Handled that one fine. I’m not a wild animal, for crying out loud! I need to invite Jerry Lee and Harley and her children out to dinner with us afterwards? Uh, I don’t think so. My kids will survive just fine without mommy, daddy, daddy’s whore, and daddy’s replacement children all celebrating together. Honestly, in my case I absolutely know that Picasso and Rock Star would prefer NOT to do that.

You need to put your children first.

Oh, that’s a weighty one, isn’t it? Who wants to be the big bad and disagree with that? What the hell? I will.

Putting your children first doesn’t come from eating shit sundaes. It doesn’t come in the form of humiliating yourself or putting yourself in stressful and/or painful situations. If you have one parent who cheated, lied, and abandoned the family and another parent who stuck around and did all the hard work raising the child or children while simultaneously having to rebuild their own life then that second parent did put their children first. So you can take your forced shared holidays and watching the affair baby and taking vacations together and shove it up your ass. When people finally give as much crap to the person who cheats on their spouse and abandons their own children for the new ones or for the new partner’s kids as they do to the person who is holding down the fort maybe I’ll look at my own behavior a little more closely.

In closing that’s my holiday PSA. If you get along with your ex, fantastic. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t. But if you don’t get along with your ex and you’d rather swallow shards of glass and slither buck naked through a creek of shit and toxic sludge than spend a moment of time with them, accept a gift from them, go Christmas shopping for them, or have them in your home for the holidays you are perfectly fine to say so. I hereby give you permission to tell them to fuck all the way off with that holiday bullshit.

Meeting the Other Woman/New Girlfriend, Court Orders & Timed Introductions

I see this a lot on various sites. Mom wants to meet with the other woman or new girlfriend (and it could honestly be a new girlfriend- affair accomplice is gone and here’s the replacement). People say, “Don’t bother. Nothing good can come of it!” and she insists while being supported by others who say, “You go, girl! I’d want to know who was around my children, too.”

I will preface this with the acknowledgment that Rock Star and Picasso were 15 and 13 when their dad and I split up. I was not dealing with babies or toddlers or even young elementary aged children. I had teenagers. I further acknowledge my children have never met Harley. They have never been in her presence. They have never spent a single overnight with their father. So I am going to run my mouth about something which I’ve never had to deal.

I don’t understand this need to meet the woman. Either she’s the affair accomplice and she’s a piece of shit that does not give two fucks about you, your feelings, or your kids, or she’s a new woman who had no part in your family disintegrating. If she’s the first one meeting her isn’t going to do a damn thing.

There was a woman on one of the pages I follow who insisted upon meeting with the OW. People told her it was not a good idea and yet she insisted. She wanted to make sure the OW knew her place and that she (the OP) was the mom. She told everyone she thought the OW was intimidated by her and this talk was going to be a piece of cake. She was going to set the rules and the OW would follow them.

Wrong. The fact that this woman is perfectly willing to fuck a married man should tell you she has no respect for boundaries. The meeting did not go well and the mom left the meeting feeling terrible. The OW spoke down to her, was not intimidated at all, let her know that mom was not calling all the shots, and has taken every opportunity since then to insert herself in the parenting relationship.

She would have been far better off simply ignoring this person. Life was not chaos before they had their little tete a tete. Now it is. And the worst part of all is that Mom has no recourse. Dad has every right to have whomever he chooses around his kids, absent a court order.

It is a side effect of divorce that you do not have complete control over what your children are exposed to. If this person is not a danger to your child there is nothing you can do. In fact, I’ve heard of instances where mom’s boyfriend just got out of prison and she was planning on moving him in with her and her three children. Perfectly legal. Dad could do nothing. I’ve heard of instances where Dad is living with a convicted child sex offender but there is nothing preventing her from being around the young female child because the abused child was male and in his teens, and she had served her sentence. And yes, there are instances where a parent is able to ban the affair partner or the new girlfriend/boyfriend because of a history of drugs or child abuse or some other sort of criminal record, but unfortunately there are just as many stories where the parent is helpless. But we’re not talking about those cases. We’re talking run of the mill, law abiding citizens. Mom just wants to know who this person is because she wants to vet whoever is around her child.

I always want to know what exactly Mom (or Dad, but it’s usually Mom) is hoping to accomplish with this meeting. You meet her. You don’t like her. You don’t trust her. Now what? I mean, if judges are letting convicted felons move in with children they’re sure as hell not going to prevent dad’s newest girlfriend from being around your child because she likes to drink wine. Or she lets the kids watch more TV than you’re comfortable with or gives them sugary treats or goes to fast food restaurants to feed them instead of cooking a meal.

You meet her and you don’t like her, don’t like the way she parents, don’t like the things she does or likes? Too bad. Welcome to the sucky part of divorce. You might get really lucky and be able to communicate your hopes and wishes for your children (probably only if she’s a new girlfriend and not the OW) but you have no authority to tell her what to do. So what have you accomplished aside from showing her your weak spots and giving her the upper hand if she is inclined to take it?

So many people urge the parent to put language in their court order about not introducing new partners for six to twelve months, or not allowing sleep overs. Some even encourage putting it in the court order that the affair accomplice is not allowed to be around the children at all. Again I ask, to what end?

First of all, you are not likely to get it ordered that the other woman or other man is not allowed to be around your children. I’m not saying it never happens but those are generally special circumstances. It is a rare happening.

Secondly, cheaters lie. They break rules. Sure, put it in there that he can’t introduce Skankella to your kids for six months and he’s not allowed to have her spend the night when the kids are there. And then when he turns around and introduces them the very first weekend he has them and she spends the night what are you going to do?

“You can take him back for contempt of court!” they shout gleefully. “It’s a legal document and he’s in contempt if he goes against it.”

Okay, sure. He’s in contempt. As a person who actually had to take my ex back to court- twice- for contempt I can tell you it cost me approximately five thousand dollars each time I had to do that. My lawyer was fairly cheap as lawyers go, too. I only paid $250 an hour. Some people have those $300 and $500 an hour lawyers. I’m sure there are those who have even more expensive lawyers. Good for them. They’re going to pay even more than I did.

I was also taking him back to court because he either wasn’t paying support at all (first contempt hearing) or he was in arrears (second contempt hearing), which means I actually got money from taking him back to court. I could use that money to help pay my legal bill.

How much money do you have to take him back to court every time he pisses you off? Do you really want to spend five grand because he introduced the other woman to your kids before he was supposed to? Are you going to take him back to court because the girlfriend or affair accomplice slept over when your kids were there? And if you are sitting here saying, “Abso-fucking-lutely!” then let me ask you what exactly you think the judge is going to do in this case? The cat’s already out of the bag. He can’t un-introduce them. He can’t rewind time and have her sleep chastely in her own bed. At most your ex will get a slap on the wrist. If that. You really want to pay five grand for that? Do you think that’s going to stop him? What do you think a judge is going to do? Terminate his parental rights? Give you 100% custody? Order supervised visitation? Make him pay a hefty fine?

I think it stands to reason that if judges don’t give a shit about adultery then they’re not going to care about your ex-husband introducing a new woman to the kids sooner than you’d like. They’re not going to particularly care about him sleeping with her now. That would be kind of ironic, don’t you think? The judge doesn’t care about adultery but they’re very concerned with premarital sex. Honestly, if that was the case I think adultery covers both of those. You can’t be committing adultery without having premarital sex.

I realize there might be some jurisdictions where the judges care more than others. I’m assuming those would be much more conservative jurisdictions. So yes, the judge might care and the judge might be highly irate that the ex did not follow his or her orders. However, we’re still back to, “How much money do you want to spend on this?”

The bottom line is this: As long as your child is not in danger drop the rope. You control yourself. You don’t control your ex. You couldn’t control him when you were married to him and you control him even less now that you’re divorced. Give yourself peace. Trying to micromanage his life and prevent this new woman from being around your children is not going to bring you peace. It will turn into one big, expensive headache.

Olivia Munn Wants Congratulations On Her Adultery Baby

I heard a new term after all of the fallout from Adam Levine and Ned Fulmer. The term is “wife guy.” These are men who are all about their wives and how much they love them. They build a career off of this schtick. Meanwhile, when no one is looking they’re out there cheating on these same wives they profess to love so much with no name Instagram models and/or co-workers. I’m sure it’s not limited to those two types.

Apparently, John Mulaney completed the trifecta of these wife guys which is actually kinda funny when you consider he was the first one to fuck over his wife. His stand up comedy talked about his wife, how great she was, how capable she was, and how much he loved her.

I found him to be very funny. I loved so many of his routines. I also noticed how he never talked down about his wife and seemed to really love and worship her.

Then he had a relapse. Stories have been pretty fuzzy on what exactly he was doing but I’m going to read between the lines and theorize he was doing drugs once again.

It was a very crazy time at TMZ and all the other so-called entertainment outlets. He was in rehab and then he was separating from his wife and then he was dating actress Olivia Munn and then he served his wife with divorce papers and then Olivia was pregnant.

According to a People article John entered rehab in December 2020. At that time Olivia sent him a message of support. May 10, 2021 he files for divorce from his wife, Anna Marie Tendler (I found another source that said the divorce wasn’t filed until July). Anna Marie made the following statement: I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. I wish him support and success as he continues his recovery. May 13, 2021 (that’s 3 days later for anyone not keeping count) sources confirmed he and Olivia were dating. September 2021 the new couple confirms she is pregnant.

They are both trying to spin the story that he did not cheat on his wife but the timeline just doesn’t add up. There was a lot of crossover and most people believe he cheated on his wife and got the other woman pregnant.

John claimed on an appearance with Seth Meyers that he went to rehab in September, got out in October, moved out of his home with Anna Marie, and then began dating Olivia in the spring. That’s only partially true. He did go to rehab in September 2020 and checked out in October in order to host Saturday Night Live. He returned in December 2021 and moved to outpatient care in February of 2021.

Personally, I can’t stand to listen to him anymore. Just can’t do it.

But I’m not writing about the comics I follow. This is actually about something Olivia Munn said shortly after she had her son.She was being interviewed for some reason and the writer of the article noted that “the couple were met with swift backlash over the news, leaving Munn to spend the majority of her pregnancy out of the spotlight.” Olivia was quoted as saying, “It’s hard to be pregnant for the first time and have anybody say anything besides, like, ‘Congratulations,’”

Are you fucking kidding me? She’s having a sad moment because more people aren’t like, “Congratulations on having a baby with a man who cheated on his wife with you! That’s awesome. So, do you have names picked out?”

She’s upset because people couldn’t look beyond the cheating to give her proper deference and adulation at the fact she got knocked up by someone who just got out of rehab?

That’s a lot to unpack. It’s already difficult to be happy when you know the pregnancy is a result of John’s infidelity. And Olivia had to have known he was married. I know he’s married and I’ve never met the man! But then you add on the fact that he just got out of rehab. I’m not really sure that’s the best choice you can make when choosing someone to father a child.

I’m not saying he’s a lost cause forever. I’m just saying I would prefer to see someone maintain their sobriety for a while before rushing into making a baby with them.

I’m going to have to file this one under “Audacity” because I cannot fathom how a person has an affair with a married man, he leaves his wife for her, and then she’s shocked that people aren’t falling all over themselves to congratulate her.

Even if everything they try to spin is actual fact it is still an incredibly public and painful breakup for his wife. He didn’t file for divorce until May 10th (or July) and sources confirmed he was dating Olivia on May 13th. Here’s the fun part. Their son was born in November so you do the math. Olivia was already pregnant when John filed for divorce. In fact, for a November baby she likely got pregnant sometime in February. John’s divorce wasn’t final until January 6, 2022. So, regardless Anna Marie’s husband had a baby with another woman while they were still married.

I know I frequently say marriage is just a piece of paper and that if the relationship is over then the marriage is over, regardless of the legalese. But I don’t believe any of this was on the up and up and lying to your wife about your intentions, or doing shit behind her back is not what I’m talking about.

I’m so sorry, Olivia, that people didn’t fall all over themselves to congratulate you on your pregnancy. They should never have given any consideration to his wife and how much hurt she must have been going through, having to publicly watch you announce your pregnancy with her husband. All the focus should have been on you and the happiness you and John were experiencing at her expense. It must have been so difficult for you to not be able to gloat and show off your pregnancy bump from Day 1 because that would make you seem like an uncaring, unsympathetic bitch. But now you have your moment to tell everyone how you are the real victim.

You know, you’re really not that far off base. I don’t think I’d call you a victim as much as a volunteer, but a leopard doesn’t change his spots. One day it’ll be your turn to watch as he wanders off with another woman only too willing to engage with a married man. Maybe when she announces her pregnancy before he’s actually filed for divorce you’ll do the right thing and congratulate her.

Winter Dreams

This was written last year. I actually held onto a post for almost a year! I only point this out because I mention my dog dying. I was referring to Laila. I didn’t want anyone thinking that something had happened to Milo Tim. I also mention the mobster and I watching Christmas movies. As for why did I hold onto it for so long? Well, I had written it before Thanksgiving, and then it became after Thanksgiving which meant I had to do one of these forwards to let you know why the dates weren’t matching up, and then it was December and I thought, “I can’t just publish one blog post about Christmas songs,” and then more months passed by and I thought, “This is wildly out of place for January or February, or March (we can keep going until this month),” and now here we are. It’s almost a year later. Enjoy!

Is it too early for Christmas carols? Asking for a friend, of course. Nah, I proudly own it. I’ve been listening to Christmas music since back in September when my dog was dying. It makes me feel better. I don’t listen to it non-stop but I will listen to it. And the mobster and I have been watching Christmas movies that have been stored on my DVD player for the past two years. So there!

But today I want to talk about Kelly Clarkson’s song, “Winter Dreams”. A little backstory first.

At some point in the hell that was my life while Jerry Lee was still living with us I put together a Freedom Song list. I wrote about it back in 2016 when I first started blogging. Kelly had 2 songs on my list- “Since U Been Gone” and “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill Ya)”. I remember being in my car and blasting those songs. I would sing along with her. Badly, of course.

You think you got the best of me. Think you had the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I’d coming running back. Baby you don’t know me, ‘cause you’re dead wrong. And, You didn’t think that I’d come back. I’d come back swingin’. You try to break me but you see what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

There I was with no job and no idea what was going to happen to me or to my kids, but I could sing along with Kelly and believe that everything was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. That motherfucker wasn’t going to beat me down. I would show him.

I don’t know why but I was always rooting for Kelly to find love and happiness. It’s not as though I thought the only way she could be fulfilled was if she found herself a man but I always hoped for good things for her.

I found her Christmas album, Wrapped In Red, and downloaded a few of the songs. I absolutely fell in love with her song, “Winter Dreams (Brandon’s Song). I still love it but it makes me sad now. It’s a song she wrote when she was first falling in love with her future ex-husband. The lyrics hit a little harder now, knowing how it ended. She loved this man so intensely, thought he was the answer to all her prayers. I read a quote from her where she talked about how he was killing her creativity because she was so happy and all she could do was write all this happy shit.

The song is upbeat and happy. It’s a love song with a Christmas backdrop.

Drawing hearts on the foggy glass

New love, chase away my past

Nothing but the open road, saddle up,

here we go

One, two, three

First winter here in your arms

Flames rising as we fall like the stars

Making angels in the snow, warm fuzzy,

frozen toes.

Is this a dream?

Don’t wake me up

If this is love

Please, let me be

Swept completely off my feet

This snow globe scene is turning me

This Christmas Eve “I” became “We”

Don’t wake me please

From this winter dream

The part that kills me though is when she sings about it slowly sinking in, You. Love. Me.

Each word clearly enunciated.

Maybe he did love her at that point. Maybe it was all a lie and he only saw her as a meal ticket. Who knows? I just know as much as I love the song it hits a little differently now. Another love gone bad. Another woman thinking she found a man she could trust and being completely let down.

She continues on:

Dreaming dreams while I’m wide awake

The tree, the lights, staying up late

It’s true

I’m in love with you.

Oh, Kelly. The future was so full of possibilities, wasn’t it? This beautiful song, written as an ode to your newfound love with what was sure to be the love of your life. What the hell happened? How do you go from this to divorce?

I realize a song isn’t a testimony to how strong your relationship is. A song does nothing really. Yet still… she wrote this for him. She felt these feelings. They were real. They were supposed to last forever.

They’re good at that, aren’t they? Convincing you they love you and they’ll be by your side forever. You let your guard down. You do things that aren’t in your best interest… for “the team”, of course. And then you’re left devastated with your love song still playing in the background, reminding you of how this person tricked you.

I know this isn’t coming off as very merry. I’m sorry. I do hope you’ll listen to it. Try to leave out the backstory when you do. It really is a beautiful song. One of my favorites. Even if he did taint it. I trust that my girl Kelly is going to be just fine.

Just Like Old Times

I don’t write about Jerry Lee much anymore. Truth be told there isn’t a lot to say lately and I don’t want my blog to dwell on him and his atrocities. I mean, if he does something especially stupid or heinous I’ll talk about it. Like when he wanted a ticket to Rock Star’s college graduation, or tells her how he’d love to walk her down the aisle. Aside from that though he’s not a popular topic on this blog. I’m concentrating on other things, like my life.

But today I just have to get this off my chest. I hate his fucking guts. I hate that he got to just blithely skip away from his old life. I hate that he got to pick up with his cousin/whore and her $5000/month take home pay. I hate the fact that she is able to simply get rid of any of her children that are difficult or don’t want to play happy family. And I hate that I hate that because I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to run away from my kids. I don’t want to abandon them and start all over with someone new. But I also hate that I’ve been left holding down the fort.

I’ve done it for so long it’s natural, like breathing. I don’t even think about it. I was the one who had to break the news to our kids that we were getting a divorce. I was the one left to answer their questions- questions I didn’t even have answers for. I was the one that had to do my best to convince them that no matter what happened we would be okay.

He moved out one day without saying a word and I was none the wiser until my alimony and child support wasn’t deposited into my account. I was the one who had to call around and ask his boss if he was still there. I was the one left having to admit to both kids that he had moved to another state.

I was the one who had to break the news that we had to move when he lost his damn job. He was fine. He had a whore to comfort and support him and he didn’t have to say a damn thing to the kids he left behind.

I am the one that knows that Rock Star had only recently found out she was going to be the gymnastics team captain and she had to give that up. I’m the one that knows she was destined to be in the high school’s Hall of Fame and that he fucked that up for her by forcing us to move. I’m the one that was there when it dawned on her that gymnastics was over for her.

I’m the one who knew Picasso was going to join marching band and that he had been receiving some very positive feedback from the camp he attended.

I was the one who had to tell Rock Star she couldn’t get her license and in fact, had to start over from scratch with a learner’s permit.

I was the one taking her to the local high school to get her signed up for classes in case her transfer didn’t go through. I’m the one who saw how disappointed she was at what she was going into. I’m the one that saw my happy, radiant, upbeat girl turn into a glum, withdrawn child. I’m the one who heard her say, “I used to be someone. Now I’m nobody.” I’m the one who held her while she cried.

I will never forgive him for taking her away from her school. Twenty fucking plus years I listened to him whine about being moved around all the time and never going to the same school twice until high school. What does he do to his daughter, his pride and joy? He cheats on her mother after moving us 2000 miles across the country, cuts us off financially, and then loses his fucking job he took to be closer to the whore, thereby forcing us to move and forcing his daughter to switch high schools midway through.

I will never forgive him for taking gymnastics away from her either.

I’ll never forgive him for essentially robbing both of us of her senior year and being able to go on multiple college visits. I was too damn poor during her junior and first part of her senior year. That left us with about 3 months for her to look around before needing to make a decision. We ended up going on two visits- one in Utah and one at Ball State.

I hate him for taking me away from my kids. I feel like I lost out on the end of their childhood because I was working.

Most of all I hate him for all the destruction he left behind for me to clean up. I’m the one paying for the therapy bills for both kids. Because he fucked with their heads just abandoning them one day. See ya! Only he didn’t even have the balls to say that much. I’m the one that paid Rock Star’s tuition or rent. He gave her the rest of the money she needed to buy a laptop her freshman year- around $400, I think. That was the extent of his contribution. I’m the one paying the psychiatrist bills for Picasso. I’m the one paying for the fucking insurance.

Did I mention my company has absolute shit insurance? I pay just over $200 each paycheck for my insurance alone. My family deductible is $6000. I never reach my deductible which means I always pay out of pocket for everything. Except most of my kids’ meds. Those are generally covered, or a large portion is covered for some reason. So because I have a huge deductible I also have $200 out of each paycheck deposited into my HSA account for medical and dental bills.

Why on earth my lawyer did not urge me to consider having him cover them I will never know. What I do know is while you’re going through a divorce you’re not supposed to make any changes to your insurance. Yes, he got fired so none of us were insured. But once he finally got a job he should have been insuring us. He didn’t and it fell to me- the person making all of $11.50 an hour at the time. Of course, I didn’t put $200 in my HSA at that time either. That started almost 2 years ago when all of the therapy started.

I was so close to essentially getting almost a $400 raise per month once Rock Star and Picasso were off of my insurance. Picasso has insurance through the union and Rock Star will have insurance through her job. Now? Who the hell knows?

Picasso is not doing well and it once again falls to me to take care of everything because Daddy Dearest can’t be bothered. He passed along these fucked up genes, and he’s the one that caused a cataclysmic upheaval in their lives. Where is he?

Oh, he’s off living his best fucking life in Georgia with the whore and the one child she has left.

Again, 99.9% of the time I just take care of it because what’s the other option? I can bitch about it but that won’t change anything. Jerry Lee doesn’t care. If it’s going to get done then I’ll need to do it. They need one sane parent and I’m it.

Picasso’s career in carpentry is not off to a stellar start. His first job was fantastic. Unfortunately he’s beginning to think that was an outlier. Also unfortunate was the fact that it only lasted maybe a month.

His second job was a nightmare. His boss was a complete ass. I’m not simply an overbearing mama who thinks her child is an angel. My brother, after hearing the stories Picasso finally told, started making phone calls to people he knew trying to find this guy. He was ready to kick his ass. This guy would call Picasso retarded. Literally would say that. He told him he should just quit, that he wasn’t cut out for this. He would tell other people, “You’ll need to tell this guy twice. He’s slow.” He was absolutely awful. Other people- journeymen even- have complained about this person to the union.

As you might imagine this took quite the toll on his already fragile mental health. At one point he was sitting on the couch and I noted that he looked absolutely miserable. He told me then he didn’t know what to do and he had nothing to live for. Basically he tries to tell himself that things are looking up but then they come crashing down again, and this asshole he was working for reinforced everything Picasso’s brain tells him- he’s worthless, he’s stupid, etc. He didn’t want to go on living. He thought that was the only way to stop the pain.

I was the one talking to my child. I was the one holding him and crying. I was the one begging him to hang on and assuring him that things would get better all while telling him that I would never, ever, ever get over him killing himself. I’ve always been the one. It all falls on me and sometimes it is exhausting.

It seems nothing helps. He never improves.

He was doing better once he was no longer at job #2. Two weeks later he takes his third job. That one was fine but it was very short-lived- 2 or 3 weeks. He found out at the beginning of this job he had enough hours to be an apprentice, moving up from a pre-apprentice.

Then he was out of work for about 6 weeks. Now he’s working at a steel mill. He had 2 okay days but they are now working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. And when I say 12 hours I really mean 12.5 hours because they have a half an hour for lunch. Did I mention he drives an hour to and from work? So he leaves at 6:15 in the morning and doesn’t get home until after 9:30 at night. On top of that everyone expects him to know what to do and they are already talking shit about him because he doesn’t. I don’t think they realize he’s been an apprentice for approximately 80 hours and those 80 hours were spent doing concrete.

I don’t think this job is going to work out. I’m not sure joining the union is going to work out for him. He got into it because he wanted to build stuff and he hasn’t had a single job like that. There’s been flooring, drywall, concrete, and now scaffolding.

His mental health is taking another nosedive and guess who is here for the fallout? That’s right! It’s me! Where is Daddy? Well, we’ve already determined he’s in Georgia living his best life with his new family.

Picasso’s insurance through the union kicked in in August. I still have him on mine because I’m afraid to take him off. I don’t know how much longer he will be employed. I don’t know if he’s going to stick with the union. If I take him off now I can put him back on, I believe, when our open enrollment comes around next month. Then he’ll only be without insurance for two months. Frankly, I would say, “Fuck the insurance,” but he meets with a therapist every other week and a psychiatrist once a month, plus he takes medications. The therapist and psychiatrist visit I could handle. The meds are much more expensive per month out of pocket than what I would pay for insurance.

He was also supposed to start paying for his phone and his car insurance starting in January. Now I’m not sure that any of that will happen.

The psychiatrist did order a cheek swab a few weeks ago. It’s supposed to help her better determine which medications will work better for him, based on his metabolism, or something like that. It has to do with how your body metabolizes medications. I do know that much.

Truthfully it’s hard to tell what all came first. Was Picasso always a time bomb waiting to explode? Or did Jerry Lee moving us across the country when Picasso was 12 start everything off? Would Picasso have had issues regardless, or did they stem from his father abandoning him when he was 13? Say what you will but I tend to think when he tells me his brain tells him he’s worthless and no one likes him that having your father walk out on you without saying a word kind of reinforces that message. Or maybe that act sent the original message and he’s never been able to disregard it. Maybe he would have had issues anyway, but if he had a father around, one who supposedly had gone through all of this himself, he would have had an easier path.

I’m tired. I’m tired of the therapy bills and the psychiatrist bills that keep adding up but never seem to do anything for him. I’m tired of wondering if my kid is ever going to be happy, or at least content. I’m tired of wondering if he will ever be self sufficient. I’m tired of being left to deal with all of this on my own. I’d like both of my kids to be off of my payroll in January or February of 2023, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. And I feel guilty for even expressing that. What kind of mother doesn’t want to take care of her kids forever? If anything ever happened to my son I know I would be saying I would pay a therapist every week if it brought him back to me. I would be begging for all of my old bills to haunt me once again if it meant he was here with me.

So I’m back to hating Jerry Lee. He left and left me to deal with cleaning up his entire mess. Oh, he did tell me he loved Picasso very much and offered to speak to his therapist and gave me the name of his latest medication which has seemingly helped him (Jerry Lee). Wow- so big of him. That was what- 30 seconds of giving a fuck about his son? I’ve spent hours listening to this kid talk about how he hates his life and how his mind is fucked up and he doesn’t believe he’ll ever be happy anymore. I’ve done the work to find a therapist, find a psychiatrist. I’ve spent thousands on insurance, and additional thousands on the therapist, psychiatrist, and meds. I’ve counseled him on questions to ask his psychiatrist. I’ve offered to sit in on a visit with him and his therapist, or even psychiatrist. I’ve even considered in-patient therapy.

Don’t even get me started on school. I hate his cousin fucking guts for leaving me to do battle with Picasso throughout his entire school career but especially his four years of high school. Every damn day was a battle it felt like. I wasn’t sure he was going to graduate and I was pretty sure I could not deal with another year of high school on his behalf. The kid didn’t take his fucking English final and had to have it unlocked by the teacher. “Whatever will be will be, Mom.” That was what I was dealing with while Jerry Lee was off in Georgia with his cousin.

I hate him for taking my daughter away from me, too. I have no doubt that if we were still living in Virginia she wouldn’t be living with her boyfriend. She’d be living at home. She’d look forward to coming home so she could see her high school friends. She had no friends up here for the most part. There was nothing for her. She was home for the summer after her freshman year and it was wonderful having her back. My mom and I both enjoyed our conversations we would have with her after she got off work. She was home for the summer after her sophomore year although this summer wasn’t nearly as wonderful. She spent long weekends down in Muncie with her boyfriend and/or her best friend from college, and if she wasn’t down there then one of them was up here. After that summer she moved into her apartment by herself. She didn’t need my help, although my mom and I came down a week or so later to bring the rest of her things. I had no idea that was the last time she would ever live with me.

He robbed me of my child. He chose to leave her. He chose to exit her life. I didn’t. I thought I would have at least 1 more summer, and when we realized she wouldn’t graduate in the spring because she applied later for nursing school I thought I might have 2 more summers with her. At one point she said she was going to work up here for at least 2 years so I was going to get 2 summers and 2 additional years!

Now she has a five year plan that sees her and her boyfriend buying the house they’re living in and staying in Muncie for 5 years.

Of course, that doesn’t affect Jerry Lee. Did I mention he lives in Georgia? I have? Oh, did I mention he hasn’t seen her since her high school graduation in 2018? Four years. He could drive down to see his cousin every weekend but he has been unable to drive up to see either of his children in years- 4 years for Rock Star and 6 years for Picasso.

I could go on and on about the myriad of reasons I hate Jerry Lee. I hate him for taking away my financial security. I hate that because of him I constantly worry about retirement and what that’s going to look like for me. I hate him for letting me put in a pool only for me to find out 6 days after it was filled that he was a cousin fucking cheater. I hate him for letting our house go into foreclosure, leaving me and our kids with nothing. I hate him for putting me in a situation where I had to leave everything behind. I hate him for not paying me for so long that my poor Beauregard suffered because I couldn’t take him to the vet sooner to find out he had cancer. I hate him for everything. But mostly I hate him for what he did to our kids and then leaving me to do all of the heavy work to try to clean up his mess.

I’ve got bad news for him, although he couldn’t care less. It will never be clean. These stains will last a life time.

Can’t You Be Nice To Him…. For the Kids?

Someone wrote about the very strong boundaries she has with her ex-husband. She went so far as to say that she hoped in the upcoming years she could say, “He cheated on me and I never saw or spoke to him again.” I can appreciate that.

As you may expect while many people were cheering her on one person had to ask, “How do you think that’s going to affect your children?” Naturally it must be so difficult for the children to have a mom who won’t suck up to their lying, cheating dad. Throw in a phrase or two about the poor lambs being uncomfortable when the parents aren’t together and how they’ll be forced to choose sides, right along with the requisite story about feuding parents that won’t attend major milestones because of their “bitterness” and “rage”.

Her response could have been my response. Why does it fall to us to once again suck it up? It’s not enough that many times we’re thrust back into the workforce, lose time with our children, work 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet, are responsible for everything child related because the fuckwit is off living his (or her) best life, have to handle the divorce, are being dragged through the mud by the lying cheater, and we’re emotionally exhausted and feeling unloved and unworthy. No, on top of all of those other things we’ve been charged with doing we are also under an obligation to make nice with the very person that put us in that situation.

Think of the children? I’m pretty sure that’s what I did when I worked two retail jobs at Christmas. It’s what I did when I got up and went into work at 2 in the morning because we got 2 trucks during the Christmas season. It’s what I did when I was working 14 and 16 hour days to provide my kids with a Christmas because their dad, the one I’m supposed to “work with” and be cordial to, wasn’t sending a single nickel their way. It’s what I did when I continued to work two jobs even after I got hired on full-time because I knew that I didn’t make enough money at the one full-time job. It’s what I did every time I cried on my way to work, wiping my tears before walking in, whether that was into Target at some ungodly hour or a bank branch in those early days. It’s what I did when I went to the plasma center after work twice a week from August through January, just to ensure I wasn’t dependent on the spousal and child support Jerry Lee sent when he felt like it, modifying it to suit his whims (gotta have money for the whore and her kids). That’s what I did every time I had to break the bad news to my kids, every time I held one of them while they cried. It’s what I’ve done while trying to get Picasso the help he needs and Rock Star the help she needs. It’s what I’ve done the entire seven years since I found out about him and Harley. I’ve shown up. I’ve been there. I’ve done the hard jobs. When he walked away I stuck around. And now you want me to smile and play nice with that motherfucker? Because that’s what’s best for the children?

What if what’s best for my kids is seeing their mom establishing healthy boundaries instead of being a doormat? What if what is best for my kids is me telling them that they don’t have to tolerate people treating them badly? That it’s fine to terminate a relationship that is bad for them. What if teaching my kids that I’m a human being and not some robot is what is best for my kids?

These people have already taken so much from us. Why is it our duty to enable them even further?

As I asked, would you be telling someone to smile and be cordial to their ex if that person had pulled a gun on them? Or beat them unconscious? Or abused their children? If not, why not? Must we get to the point where someone is physically attacked before we can legitimately detach from them?

I’m not one of those people who think that children are irreparably damaged because their divorced parents aren’t buddy buddy. I have no problem with someone telling their child: Your relationship with your father is between the two of you. You need to learn to navigate that on your own. But you also need to realize that the relationship I have with your father is mine to navigate. We don’t have similar experiences so we’re not going to view him through the same lens.

And what’s with this pearl clutching at the idea of Mom and Dad not standing side by side at an awards banquet, or graduation, or even a wedding? I don’t know about you but I didn’t talk to everyone at Rock Star’s graduation. When my kids were in elementary school I didn’t talk to everyone at the awards assemblies. When they played sports I didn’t talk to everyone at the sporting event.

I’ve written about Rock Star’s graduation. I gave Jerry Lee the ticket. I was even the person who offered him a ticket via text message, fully expecting he would come back with some venomous reply. My thought process was, “Oh well. His loss. I tried. I did what I thought was right.” Instead, he shocked me and was actually very thankful. He came to my place of employment. I gave him the ticket. There was no big fanfare. We didn’t reminisce. He took the ticket and left. We didn’t sit together at the ceremony, not that she would have known if we did seeing as how she was down with the graduating class and we were up in the stands. Picasso wouldn’t have known either as he was playing down in the orchestra. My mom saw him and was infuriated by the fact he wore a suit. I saw him. Didn’t give a shit about the suit. I sat with a group of 7 others; he sat alone. I took pictures of her and with her and then headed to the restaurant. He came out of the shadows, cried his crocodile tears and made everything about himself. She joined us at the restaurant. He wasn’t invited.

I could be completely wrong although I don’t think I am but none of this seemed to bother my daughter. No scene was made. I doubt anyone in my vicinity was thinking, “Wow- the anger radiating from her is intense!” or, “Golly gee that woman sure is bitter!” And Rock Star wasn’t sobbing hysterically, “Why can’t I have a picture with my mommy AND my daddy? I just want you two to be best friends for one night. Can’t I have that, please?”

You know what did happen though? Aside from his crocodile tears and making it all about himself, of course. He cut child support in half and prorated his support for her down to the half hour when she graduated. When I dared to question him about this and told him this wasn’t correct he told me to read my divorce decree and then called me a cunt because he was forced to recognize that I was right and he was wrong.

Yet there will always be those Pollyanna’s who urge you to put aside all sense of self-preservation in order to take another beating from the person who has already abused you.

No thanks. If ignoring that motherfucker so hard it makes him doubt his own existence is the worst I do to him then he got off easy.

What Is So Difficult About No Contact?

Sometimes I think I must sound like a real cold-hearted bitch. I see so many variations of, “No contact is so hard!” and every time I hear it I think to myself, “How is this difficult? You are being asked to do literally nothing. They tell you to perform open heart surgery? That’s hard. Not talking to someone? That’s easy.”

Of course you’re reading the words of a woman who lived in the same house as her cheating ex-husband and didn’t have more than 3 or 4 conversations in the entire 6 months that this was going on.

I guess for me I intuitively knew that nothing I said was going to mean anything. I knew nothing I said was going to change his mind. He didn’t care about what he was doing to me or to his kids, and like most fuckwits he wouldn’t have believed me even if he said he did care.

I see these people who pour out their hearts to these cheating monsters and all I can think is that they are handing them more ammunition to use against them. They bring up the affair partner. They tell them what a piece of shit they are. They tell them how much they’ve hurt their kids (that one is NEVER believed). They tell them how much they’ve hurt them and remind them of how much they’ve sacrificed and done for them over the years (they don’t care and they don’t appreciate it). They reveal way more than they should; they bare their tender underbelly to the enemy. I’ve said before I was way too proud to ever let Jerry Lee know he hurt me.

He texted me once, shortly after I found out about Harley, and asked me if I was okay. I remember texting back that no, I was not okay, and I proceeded to list all of the reasons I was not okay- starting with him moving all of us across the country and ending with him fucking his whore of a cousin. It was maybe a paragraph. And I ended it by telling him the time to worry about whether or not I was okay was before he did all the shit he did. Don’t worry about me now, bro. I’m prepared to handle this on my own from here on out.

Probably not my finest attempt at no contact or gray rock, but I got better. When I got his sad little missive about me removing all of his memories from our home and destroying all his clothes and us working together for the sake of the children and showing them how vital happiness is for us both… I simply replied that I had not destroyed his clothes; they were in the spare bedroom.

Oh believe me, there was a lot I wanted to say. I even typed it up. Added to it. Posted it here. But I didn’t bother with him. He wouldn’t have read everything I said. I had a sentence, maybe 2 or 3 to get everything across. And all those words would all have been precious kibbles to his ego. I’m sure they would have had a grand time reading it and dissecting my words together.

I get it. The cheater says something stupid or hurtful and the cheated on person feels compelled to make the cheater understand how much they have hurt them. If only you could just get them to see what they’re doing they would be sorry and stop doing it. So you try a dozen different ways to explain the same concept to this person. Because surely it’s a communication problem, right? If they truly understood how what they did was harming you and your precious children they would apologize and stop doing it, right?

Wrong! They get off on your pain. Your pain is delicious, addicting kibbles to them. They love it when you tell them how much pain you’re in because of them. Every time you mention the affair accomplice they get an intoxicating hit. Every time you beg them for help (which they won’t give you) they get another intoxicating hit. Every time you rage at them because they haven’t shown up, or they’ve shoved the affair accomplice in your face, or they’ve done some other douchey thing that fuckwit cheaters like to do, they get the sweet, tantalizing taste of victory kibbles. They matter! They’re central! They are still the sun around which you orbit. They are the most important thing in your life and you will never, ever get over them. This devastation which they wrought upon you will never be overcome.

So stop it! Cut them off. Starve that motherfucker.

And the back and forth arguing? Never argue with a fuckwit. You won’t win because facts and the truth do not matter to these people. Drop the rope. State what you are willing to do once and then shut it down. No answer is an answer. If it’s court worthy say it once and then take the jackass to court. If it’s not court worthy, just regular fuckwit shit either no answer, or if you’re worried about court I’ve got two favorites for you. #1- Noted. #2- Your attempt to portray me in a negative has been noted. Or you can go for #3 which is simply a thumbs up.

Finally, you need to reach deep inside and let go of this need to be liked and/or respected by the cheater. So often people ask how they can prevent them from trying to drag them through the mud, say horrible things about them, outright lie about them, and so on. Or the ever popular, “He says…”

Who gives a fuck what he says? He’s a lying, cheating sack of shit. You can trust exactly 0% of what he says.

He says if I go after child support I’m bitter and confrontational and that shows I’m only concerned about myself and not our child.

That’s nice. He also said he was going fishing with his best friend when in reality he was fucking a whore behind your back.

He says he’ll do the right thing by me and take care of me but we can’t involve lawyers.

He also promised to be faithful. How did that work out for you?

I don’t want him to say bad things about me.

He’s already saying bad things about you.

I feel like if I fight for what’s mine everyone in his family is going to think I’m greedy.

And? Honey, that’s his family. Chances are very great that even if they say you’ll always be a part of their family they don’t mean it. You look out for you and stop worrying about what everyone else is saying or thinking.

He’s telling everybody I cheated on him and I think they believe him.

Sweetie, find your tribe. The people in your tribe aren’t going to believe that shit because they know you. They know the truth. Those people that believe him? They aren’t your tribe.

I know that Jezebel will back her brother no matter what. I know she thinks I’m crazy and that he deserved so much better. And you know what? I don’t care. I do not give one single shit about her opinion of me.

I know that Blockhead fed him information and undoubtedly thinks I’m a horrible person. Rolls right off my back. Don’t care. From what The Saint said he and his wife have sucked up quite nicely to Harley. Again, don’t care. They are not people I would ever want in my life. Jerry Lee and Harley can have them.

I would be willing to bet that absolutely everyone that Jerry Lee has told his story to during and after our divorce has been led to believe that I am the most horrible, greediest, selfish bitch out there. I’m sure he tells them all I drug him back to court and siphoned money I don’t deserve out of him so that I can spend it all on my boyfriend. Undoubtedly there is a group of people out there who think I’m a horrible person. I know this will shock you but I don’t care. I do not have two fucks to give. I don’t know those people and I don’t care what they think about me.

The people that I do know? Well, if they really think I’m that person then I’m glad they’re out of my life. I think too often people want to “win them all.” You can’t.

The best gift you can give yourself is to trust that they suck. Once you honestly believe that it gets so much easier. Once you stop arguing with them, explaining to them, begging them, relying them on and you drop that rope it gets so much easier. Let them argue with themselves. Remove yourself from the equation. They’re not your monkeys, not your circus.

Another Married Until You’re Divorced Question

Disclaimer: For the purpose of this post I’m only talking about people who are married. For reasons that will be abundantly clear I’m not including people who are living together in long term relationships or even couples that have a longterm relationship but aren’t living together. I just can’t cover that many scenarios. Sorry!

I’m on a support group where the topic of dating comes up quite frequently so as you may guess I am quite frequently deluged with messages from well meaning pearl clutchers who insist that any dating done before the divorce is final is cheating and you (or the person you are dating) are no better than the cheater.

It made me wonder. They so often tsk, tsk, “Not divorced yet is still married.”

“Separated is not divorced. It’s still married.”

“Your soon-to-be-ex is still your husband.”

Does that mean if you’re engaged to someone they can’t cheat on you until after the wedding? You find out your husband to be fucked a hooker at his bachelor party. Or, you find out he hooked up with his ex constantly until the wedding day. Or maybe you find out that he would pick up women all the time on weekends out with his friends. None of this is cheating, right? You’re not married. You’re only engaged. Married is married.

People will often talk about finding out their spouse has been cheating on them throughout their entire marriage and many times they say they discovered their spouse had been cheating on them the entire time they were dating. How is that possible? They weren’t married.

I mean, if separated or in the process of a divorce equals still married, then shouldn’t engaged, and certainly only dating pre-engagement, count as not married? And if you should remain faithful to your lying cheater until those divorce papers come through then I don’t think it’s right to expect faithfulness when you’re not married yet. You know, if marriage is that great barometer of who is cheating and who isn’t.

I just find it slightly funny that everything that happens within a relationship, regardless of marital status, can be seen as cheating because of the commitment you’ve made to the other person. I think most people would label the act of your live-in boyfriend picking up another woman at a bar and going back to her place for sex cheating. Or your husband to be having sex with a hooker at his bachelor party. Why?

Because you two have a commitment. Doesn’t matter that you’re not married. Doesn’t matter that you’re not even engaged. You two had an agreement that you would be faithful. So marriage or no marriage that agreement should take precedence.

And yet for some reason that logic doesn’t seem to work for others in reverse. When it comes to ending a relationship the commitment goes out the window and it’s only the ink on those papers that matters

Should You Share Your Inheritance With the Mistress?

I came across this gem recently: Husband cheats on wife. Leaves her for the mistress. Then he dies at age 48 and leaves his ex-wife everything. Mistress is pissed. I shall elaborate.

The “man” cheated on his wife when she was four months pregnant after more than ten years of marriage. It was only when he asked for a divorce and then had his lawyer order her out of their apartment that she found out about the mistress. Over the years the ex-husband attempted to reach out to her several times, including after she had a miscarriage with their child. When he found out he was terminally ill he reached out again but she wisely refused to see him even though this was his “last wish.” Boo hoo.

Despite her refusal to see him, and despite the fact that the woman had remarried and had two children with her current husband, the ex-husband left her everything. He even wrote her a letter that he included with his will where he stated he had never stopped loving or thinking about her, and in his mind, she was still his wife.

Oh really? Still loved her and thought about her even while you were banging your mistress? Did your affair accomplice know you were still pining for your former wife? Did she know she was still fucking a married man in your eyes because you were still married to your ex? Did that keep everything fresh and exciting with her because you could convince yourself you were still cheating on your wife and your side whore was still just an option, not your only option?

Side question: How did your mistress feel about the fact that you weren’t willing to marry her?

I wish I could feel bad for him but I don’t. Plus, he’s dead so he doesn’t even know I don’t feel bad for him.

Sad sausage goes on to write to his ex-wife that he never got over the loss of their child (the one you abandoned when she was four months pregnant?) and felt responsible for causing the miscarriage. Leaving her his money was his way of making amends.

The relationship with the mistress lasted 8 years and at 33, Little Miss Homewrecker has been left with nothing. Doing the math it seems a really stupid 25 year old got involved with a 40 year told and thought she was going to live a life of luxury. And then he died and left everything to his ex-wife. Including the apartment the mistress currently lives in.

Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.

Naturally the mistress is not happy about this. I mean, if she was willing to steal the wife’s husband do you really think she wants to let the wife keep all of his money? Oh no! She’s threatening to contest the will if the ex-wife doesn’t give her a portion of it.

Oh, the inheritance? Comes out to $1.3 million.

In addition to all this fun, the woman’s ex in-laws are also pressuring her to “be fair and share the money”. According to them the mistress will end up homeless and on the streets if the ex-wife won’t share. Because, you know, the ex-wife also got the apartment.

Hey, dumbasses, she already shared her husband with the dumb bitch. She didn’t get a choice in that decision. She can, however, choose not to share her inheritance.

Also, I’m sure the mistress will land on her back. She’ll find some other poor married sucker and leach off of him.

At the end of the article it asks, “Is the author entirely justified to keep the full inheritance that her ex-husband purposely left her, even if it means his girlfriend of 8 years gets nothing? Or should the author be kinder to the girlfriend, who just lost her partner, and share a portion of the wealth with her?

Oh. For. The. Love. Be kinder to the woman who fucked your husband behind your back? Be kinder to the whore who came in and wrecked your marriage and your life? Do you think the mistress was urging her lover to share a portion of his income with the wife he left behind for her? How kind do you think the mistress was to the wife when she lost her baby? Do you think the mistress even thought for one minute that maybe her actions had contributed to that?

The ex-wife went on to say that once her husband left her for the mistress the mistress quit college, never worked a day in her life, and basically lived off of her lover. Too bad he died young.

Maybe she should have a heart to heart with the grieving girlfriend. After all, she could sympathize. I imagine it might go something like this: Oh, Whore, I feel for you. What you’re going through now must feel an awful lot like what I went through when I was four months pregnant and found out my husband was fucking you. You must be as devastated now, finding out he blindsided you and left you with nothing, as I was back then when he blindsided me and torpedoed our life together for a life of cheap sex with you. I guess you could say he left me with nothing as well back then and gave you everything. Don’t forget that I, too, know what it’s like to be betrayed by him. The only difference, of course, is that you helped him betray me. I didn’t do anything to you. You go right ahead and contest that will. You don’t have a leg to stand on and I’m not giving you a single red cent.

Thankfully the mistress is still young. She could play this one of two ways. Way #1 she actually gets off her ass and gets a job and works for what she wants. My guess is that will not appeal to the gold digger. So again, thankfully she is still young because way #2 involves finding some other sucker to support her. Maybe the next one won’t come down with a terminal illness.

If I were the woman I’d tell both the gold digging girlfriend and the asinine ex in-laws to fuck all the way off. And when they had fucked all the way off they could keep going and fuck off some more. They could keep fucking off until they fucking died.

Keep that money, honey! He left it to you to assuage his guilt. He was probably hoping to buy his way into Heaven. If he had wanted the whore to have it he would have left it to her. Use that money to make your life better and easier.

One last tip- don’t co-mingle the inheritance with marital funds. Keep it as yours, and yours alone.

Stop Expecting Them To Parent!

I think one of the saddest things I see on infidelity boards are the parents that ask in anguish, “Why won’t the fuckwit have anything to do with our children? How can they just abandon their own flesh and blood?”

I frequently see posts from people who are frustrated that the fuckwit won’t help out with the kids, won’t take them for visitation, doesn’t show up when they’re supposed to, and of course, hasn’t seen the kids in months or years.

I recall reading a post on a blog from someone who was irritated that her ex wouldn’t help out with his kid. At the time I told her she needed to pretend that he didn’t exist and that she only had herself and her support system to rely upon. I think she was a little befuddled because her response was along the lines of, “But this is his child! Shouldn’t he be doing this for our child? He’s the other parent; I should be able to rely on him and expect him to do his part! This is for our child, not me!”

My response to that was, “Yes, obviously he should but he’s not going to so stop beating your head against a brick wall and control what you can control.” What she could control, of course, was herself. Not him.

I spent six months living in the same house as Jerry Lee after D-Day. Not one time did he help out with the kids. I believe he asked Picasso once if he needed a ride but that was it. Then he moved 6-7 hours away and he’s never lived in the same state as his kids since then. I had no choice but to take on everything myself.

Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. I never had false hope that the other parent would step up and do his part. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn’t.

Maybe I spent too much time on other boards, boards populated by single moms who shared children with absent fathers. Their attitude was primarily, “Put on your combat boots and get shit done yourself.”

I think that’s why I advocate for people forming outside support systems. It’s why I recommend not relying on the other parent. And if you’re going to rely on the other parent then make sure you have a backup plan. It’s why I recommend having everything your child needs at your house and the other parent having everything the child needs at their house.

Stop begging an uninterested person to remain in your child’s life. That’s giving the fuckwit more power than they deserve. It makes them central. If they’re going to ditch your kid they’re going to ditch your kid and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. The only thing you’ll be able to do is potentially prolong it. I have heard so many stories where once the sane parent finally drops the rope and puts the relationship responsibility on the now adult child and the other parent it fizzles out, or the now adult child puts an immediate end to it.

Stop being shocked when they flake on you. Expect it. Have that backup plan ready.

I guess maybe in many ways I was lucky that I was the one that handled everything that went along with Rock Star and Picasso. I could figure out how to get both kids to hockey and gymnastics on the same nights when Jerry Lee was at an out of town meeting. He seemed incapable, but I could do it. I was used to taking 2 young kids on a cross country vacation with no help from him even when we were married. I could figure out how to get Rock Star to gymnastics practice early and then return in time to pick Picasso up from school at the regular time. I could figure out how to get Picasso to his hockey tournament (three games played throughout the day) on the same day as Rock Star’s state gymnastics meet. I could figure out how to get a kid to orchestra and arrange a breakfast for the teacher’s at the same time. I could figure out how to arrange for childcare while I volunteered at church. And I even figured out how to arrange for childcare while I went out of town for a weekend with church friends so we could go to a women’s conference.

It involved about 16 hours of driving and leaving children in two separate states but I arranged it! I drove Rock Star from Michigan to Kentucky to stay with her grandmother down there and then I drove Picasso back up from Kentucky to Indiana to stay with my mom. From there I drove back on up to Michigan and my friends and I left for the conference the next day. And I got to turn around and do it all over again a few days later in order to pick them back up.

Is it better when you’ve got a 2 person tag team taking on childcare responsibilities? I’m sure it is. But you can do it without them. My advice, just like the advice I gave to that woman on her blog, is to stop banging your head against a brick wall. Be prepared to take on all the responsibility. Don’t rely upon the other parent. If they come through it’s an unexpected bonus. If they don’t, you’ve got this.

If the other parent is still involved and reliable I think that’s great. I’m not suggesting you attempt to oust them from their kids’ lives. But if you’ve got an ex who doesn’t take much an interest in your children then please stop giving them the power to hurt you and your kids. Your kids need one sane parent. Stop offering up your child like a lamb to slaughter. You don’t mention visitation. If the other parent shows up you send them with them. If they don’t show up they have no idea the other parent was even supposed to be there. You don’t call them and beg them to show up for birthdays or holidays. You take advantage of the fact that you don’t have to share those moments. You don’t ask if they’ll be using their visitation. You don’t remind them of the days they have. They are adults and I trust are able to read their visitation schedule. If you’ve got plans you get yourself a backup in case the other parent doesn’t show. If you didn’t have plans now is your chance to do whatever you want with your kids, whether that’s spending the evening at home, or going out and doing something fun.

Can it be heartbreaking for your child when the other parent abandons them? Of course it can be! More so I think if your child is old enough to remember the other parent being around. In other cases, if the parent disappears early enough they may not even really remember them. Just remember, this is not something you can control. You are not responsible for their shitty choices. You concentrate on being the best parent you can be.

What you can control is taking charge of your life. You can refuse to be at the mercy of a fuckwit. You can refuse to be held hostage to their whims. Put that support system in place. Make your backup plan. Have a backup for your backup plan if necessary. That way when they call you twenty minutes before pickup and let you know they can’t make it you’re not flipping out because you had planned on going out for a long overdue night out with friends. You’ve got this. You’ve already made arrangements. You’re never disappointed that your ex can’t pick up your daughter while you take your son to soccer. You’ve already got this handled.