The $172 Tire Charged in Whore Town

July 2015

Why can’t I have a relaxing vacation?  No stress?  No freak outs?  We had donuts for breakfast and headed to the beach for a few hours.  Had lunch at one of Mom’s favorite restaurants.  I texted Zack this morning to see if he was already on the road.  Nope, the mechanics supposedly couldn’t get the machine working so he’s staying an extra day.  Then he’s heading onto his home state.  Sound familiar?  I’m going to go see my mom.  Of course you are!  So I suck that up and tell him I’m fine with it; she’s his mom and of course it’s all fine.  Next, because we’re going to go shopping I check our account balance.  First, he sent another $50 to his mom.  It’s not enough that he sent $500 2 days ago.  Nope, need to send another $50.  Oh, and I did ask him what emergency had befallen them this month.  They didn’t ask for it.  He just knows they’re struggling and he doesn’t think his niece and her boyfriend are going to make it and he seems like a good kid and she’s pregnant and what can he do?  He can’t watch his mom struggle. So, there goes another $50 and on top of that I see a charge for $172 at Walmart in fucking Whore Town, His Home State!  What.the.fuck? I flat out asked him, “What did you spend $172 on in Whore Town, Your Home State?”  He tells me it must be tires for his mom. “Are you in your home state already?”  He says no.  He gave her the credit card information because she said there was something wrong with the new van they got.  He doesn’t know why it showed as Whore Town because it was supposed to be in another town.  And he’ll get the rest replaced when he’s there on Saturday.  Excellent! So you’ve sent $550 in the last 2 fucking days and then you’re going to turn around and spend God only knows how much on 4 new tires.  And I’m sure he’ll buy other shit as well while he’s there.  If he’s not already there.  I find that to be way too convenient. For all I know Harley has left her husband and is encountering money problems and he spent the damn money on her.  And I hate feeling like that. Will I ever trust him when it comes to things like this?  A year ago he was adoring me.  I felt like he was truly gaga over me.  Now I’m not so sure and I sometimes wonder if I did it to myself with the FB page.  His other sister told me he was so excited about the move and felt it would be a fresh start.  Then Blockhead told him about the page and how I didn’t know if I could celebrate another anniversary, how tough our anniversary is for me, how I didn’t love the gift and all those other great things.  Then he went into a tailspin and things just haven’t been the same.  I am beginning to wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I don’t want it to be but I’m not sure I can stop it either.

So, I retaliated with some revenge shopping.  Bought Picasso a couple of shirts and a pair of tennis shoes.  I bought myself a new Coach purse even though I just got a Kate Spade a few days ago.  Bought one for Rock Star, too, because every 15 year old girl needs a freaking Coach purse.  And wallet.  It’s a little strappy thing so she can use it as a stand alone purse, too.  Plus we both got some new clothes. Hey, if we can feed every fucking member of his family then I’ll buy whatever I want for myself and my kids.  If we can afford over $800 in the last few days to give his mom then the sky’s the limit!  And you know, it amazes me that no one ever says, “Zack, no!  You’ve got a family to feed.  You’ve already given us $500.  We’ll be fine. We can buy our own tires.”  No, once again it’s an unlimited ATM.  He could give them $500 every week and they’d still come back and want more.  As my mom pointed out:  Wasn’t it enough when they basically stole all his money while he was fighting over in Iraq?  Wasn’t it enough when he gave her a credit card in his name which almost cost us our house in OB?  Nope!  It’s never enough. I’m about at the point where I’m ready to suggest he just hand over his entire check to them.  Or maybe he could ask them for all their bills and we can cover them and then all the money coming into them they can use to splurge on.  I guess I’ll go back to Whoreville and get a job so I can afford to do things for my kids since all of our disposable income is going back to his home state.  Hey, how much a month is the whore coughing up for them?  Nothing?  Wow- shocker! By the time this weekend is finished we will have contributed $2000 in just under 2 months.  And he wants to pay their cell phone bill.  Hell, why not?  We’re made of money.

Maybe it’s a non-issue and he’s planning on leaving me.  Maybe he’s already in his home state fucking Harley.  I really don’t know.  That’s the worst part.  My instincts failed me so miserably 2 years ago and now I’m hyper vigilant.  Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Why?

Present Day Sam Says: Oh, Sam, sweetie. Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Because he’s in his home state fucking the whore.  Your instincts weren’t failing you; you just didn’t want to believe.


Keep Sticking Your Head In the Sand


July 2015

Another day at the beach.  I can’t tell if I’m getting tan or burnt.  Bubba Gump’s for lunch.  It was good.  Then we dropped Mom’s tv off at Best Buy, took the girls to the shopping center, and then went to the Donut Hole for donuts for tomorrow.

I’ve been having a horrible time getting ahold of Zack.  He just now finally texted me back.  Says he’s been busy. And now he’s off to dinner with some people from work- customers.  I told him I loved him and only 3 more days til I got to see him but he said nothing.  I sent him some pictures and he told me I was “so fucking hot”.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  I hope everything is ok.

Oh, another highlight: Jezebel is in Florida.  Spending a few days on the beach by herself supposedly and then she’s off to see her in-laws.  Funny, isn’t it, that she is able to visit her in-laws on a rather consistent basis while she never has time to visit her much missed, much loved brother.  Oh, and I know it’s all my fault.  She can’t visit because I’m so mean and I don’t want her around. Never mind she’s only been to whatever city we’ve ever lived in 7 times in 21 years.  Never mind the last time she visited us was in 2002 when Picasso was a baby.  Never mind that we lived in YYY state for an additional FOUR YEARS after she last visited, so it’s not like she can say it was so far away.  Never mind she never once in almost 8 years came to see us in our former state. No, it’s all because I’m so mean.  Nothing at all to do with her own choices.  Of course not!

Well, I’m going to try to focus on the last few days of this vacation.  I need to call our pool contractor tomorrow to find out when he thinks the pool will be done so Zack can get the money wired to our account. Spend some time with my nieces and nephew and my kids.  Just hang back and relax and have a good time.


Why Are You Sending Your Mom $500 Again?

July 2015

Well, today is filling up with drama.  But first I’ll catch up on what’s been going on the past few days.  Kinda chilling.

We did go to the water park on Sunday and had crab legs for dinner.  Yum!  Yesterday we went to the beach.  Had tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. Then went to the outlet mall to shop.  I got a cute Kate Spade purse and wallet.  $240 total.  Today we went to, surprise! the beach and then to Margaritaville for lunch.  It was overhyped I think.  We had to wait to be seated, the place wasn’t air conditioned; instead they had it completely open and relied on the breeze to cool you off.  It was quite expensive-  almost $75 for the lunch alone, plus I spent another $18+ on drinks while waiting.

I checked our checking account to see if any other bills had come through.  I get my little notifications for how much is in the account but I’ve had it happen where I think I have x amount and I end up having y amount because other things have come in that morning.  Thankfully, all of my purchases from yesterday came through.  But there’s also another $500 donation to my in-laws.

I’m trying to figure out why this bothers me so much because normally I would be very giving.  And I know it’s not like we’re completely struggling.  I’m curious as to what in the hell is going on that they needed $500.  I swear, if I read another post from the niece’s boyfriend to hear about their stupid fucking aquarium I think my head will explode and I’ll end up replying, “Hey, here’s an idea!  Instead of spending God only knows how much on your fucking fish why not use that money to feed yourselves so that I no longer have to!”

I just keep coming back to the fact that we can’t support them at this level forever.  We just can’t.  We’ve got a kid who is going to start college in another 3 years.  She’s not going to qualify for any financial aid so we better start saving some money now!

He sent: $100 on June 8, $500 on June 10 (to fix the car), $100 on June 16, $50 on June 22, $50 on July 3, $200 on July 8, $50 on July 13 and $500 on July 21.  Plus $149 in Western Union charges. $1550 in 6 weeks.  Good to know we’re replacing Rock Star’s gymnastics with keeping everyone in fucking his home state fed. No, Sam; he replaced Rock Star’s gymnastics with supporting a whore and her kids.

OK, we’re all doing fine.  No one is going without.  I would like to know why on earth he sent $500 and I’d also like to know how long we’re going to be doing this.  It gets ridiculous after a while.  If you don’t have the fucking money to feed your granddaughter and her baby daddy then you don’t feed them!  If you don’t have the money to splurge on your great granddaughter or buy her diapers and/or formula you don’t fucking do it!  You don’t spend money you don’t have and then turn around and give a sad song to your son so that he sends money to you and you can treat everyone around you!  I know I’m being a bitch.  I really do.  But I just have to wonder how far this is going to go.  You want to send $200-$400 a month their way, fine, do it.  But I would suggest sending a check instead of racking up additional fees. Now, Sam, if he had sent a check the gig would have been up. You would have known he was giving marital assets away to Harley. You wouldn’t have been in the dark any longer. That’s no fun! Playing you for a fool is fun!  And I would tell them, “This is what I have to send you. I’ll send $400 a month.  If you blow it all on 2 people who should be supporting themselves then that’s on you.  I don’t want to hear about how you’re going hungry because you knew what you had coming in.”  I guess that’s what I worry about.  They think it’s a free for all ATM.  Spend whatever you want because Zack will just continue to send more.  Not to mention they still associate with the whore.

And I’m still not completely convinced that he hasn’t taken back up with her.  She’s posting crap about supporting vets with PTSD.  Posting more inspirational quotes on her page.  And he’s not acting like he’s crazy about me anymore.  He’s hard to get ahold of, supposedly napping.  Doesn’t tell me he loves me like he used to.  He’s either screwing around with her again or Blockhead or Jezebel has convinced him to distance himself from me and leave me when the kids are grown.

Present Day Sam Says:  Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!  CheaterBoy is cheating again!

That Lowdown Dirty Bastard

July 2015

Money, money, money.  Zack said he’s got plenty of stock to cash in so even with the price tumbling we would be fine.  So, I decided to go with the stamped concrete after all. I was feeling guilty and then Zack let me in on a little secret.  He’s been sending his mom money for about a month to help them with groceries. $50 here, $100 there. No, the real secret he was keeping was that he was trying to support a whore and her four kids.  Surprise! Makes it sound like no big deal.  Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look up just how much he’s sent.  Over $1000 if you include the wire transfer fees.  $500 of that was to fix the van which had taken a crap and they needed to fix it before they could turn it in. Another big lie from him. That money went to the whore, not his mom.  Another $500 for groceries, I guess. No, another $500 for the whore and her daughter. New daddy is a big spender and needs to impress his new fake kids!  We never sent the check for his niece’s rent so he figured he would just give his mom money to help pay for groceries since they’re always feeding the two of them. Then today I ask him about this letter from Verizon which was approving him for a phone.  Oh, he’s getting a phone for them and paying the bill. No! Another lie! He bought phones for the whore and her daughter. The sonofabitch let me get online and pay the damn bill for him- and them.  And he justifies it by saying we help my niece and will probably help my other niece and we’re paying my mom’s cell phone bill.  Yeah, but my mom’s cell phone bill is $75/month.  I send my niece a care package once a month or less and the total cost of it is generally less than $100.  Once I simply sent her a check for $25, I believe.  I send her boxes of oatmeal and an occasional piece of clothing.  Sometimes she gets lucky and she gets $25 gift cards to Papa John’s or Chipotle.  I’m NOT sending her $1000 a month and then turning around and paying her cell phone bill. I don’t know why it bothers me because I was fully on board with paying for his niece’s rent for 2 months. Come on, Sam! Sending your niece a care package is exactly the same as him spending thousands on a whore and her kids to impress them!  And I’ve never had a problem sending Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye money before. And, most importantly, we do have it, at least right now.  But I don’t want to end up being dirt poor once he retires because we never saved up anything because we were too busy supporting every member of our family. Well here’s where you got lucky, Sam. You ended up dirt poor before retirement when he spent the next two years financially raping you and continuing to live the life of a bachelor with no children, no debts, no nothing. Just endless freedom and tons of money.

I guess maybe part of it is he never really discussed it with me.  He just did it. Yes, it’s kind of funny how he didn’t discuss his mistress cousin and his desire to support her and raise her lifestyle substantially with you. It’s not like you would have, you know, objected or anything.  And then there’s the fact that if his niece and her boyfriend are old enough to have babies then they should be old enough to support them.  You don’t tell people you can’t pay your electric bill or afford diapers that fit your baby because you don’t have money and then turn around and trade in a perfectly good (paid for) car for a truck payment.  You don’t cry poverty while you continue to buy cigarettes and fish for your aquarium.  If you’ve got money to smoke then you’ve got money to buy food.  If you can’t do both then you should quit.  And you sure as shit don’t turn around and get your girlfriend pregnant again!

It’s a never ending circle.  You can’t tell his niece and her boyfriend to get their shit together because “they’re adults and you can’t tell me what to do!”  You could tell Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to deliver the same message but the fact of the matter is they will never stop helping them even if they don’t have it to give. So, you could threaten to cut them off if they continue to feed them but it wouldn’t do any good.

I’d like to know where their parents are? They’re not orphans!  Would it kill her father to give her $100 for diapers and formula once in a while?  It’s not like he and his ex did it all on their own when she was a baby.

Oh, and where is Harley?  She’s oh so invested in Zack’s family.  Is she sending money to Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to help them?  Is she offering to buy diapers for the baby?  No, I don’t think so.  She’s just busy gushing over everyone and telling them how much she loves them. Sam, sweetie, Harley is busy taking all of this money!  None of it was going to the niece or Tammy Faye.  It was going to Harley.  That’s where she is.  She’s promising to ride your husband’s dick and robbing you blind.

And where’s Jezebel?  They’ve got the money to remodel the kitchen and buy endless amounts of hunting gear.  They can afford to run off on vacation every time you turn around. Is she helping them out? Or is she focused on her own self?

I realize that if I were counseling someone with this problem I would tell them to concentrate on what they were doing and not to worry about what other’s might be doing or not doing. It doesn’t really matter if Harley or Jezebel are helping.  You don’t do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing.  I would probably also tell them to ask themselves if they are losing out on anything.  Are they or their children going hungry or without?  If not, and you can afford it, then do the nice thing.  It can be frustrating supporting people that should be supporting themselves but in the end I try to remember it’s about being a good person. That is called spackling and eating endless shit sandwiches. Yep, I convinced myself I was a good person and it was the right thing to do- helping his mom out. In reality the shit eating chimp was robbing us blind and probably getting a boner while doing so.

I suppose we’ll reevaluate in a little while.  I don’t think we’re going to be able to keep this up when Rock Star goes away to college so he needs to be preparing his mom and Pastor Fake for that.  We can’t send them $500/month and pay their cell phone bill and send our daughter to college.  And no, we’re not going to have her sacrifice her higher education because you’ve made disastrous decisions throughout your lifetime. Oh Sam, you silly silly little woman. Your daughter’s higher education was tossed aside for a whore and her children. Her father didn’t even blink.

Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know!

Also in the negative column, Zack had another panic attack. I doubt he’s going to go to Florida with us. Hell, if he doesn’t pull it together soon he may end up losing his job.  Once his therapist gets back they are going to have to go full steam ahead with this EMDR therapy.  I feel bad because I won’t be here the following week and I think he won’t either because he’s been talking about having to go out of state for work during that week we’re gone. Wow! He is really really good at this lying shit, isn’t he? How convenient that he can’t go to Florida with us on our family vacation! How convenient that he is suddenly working out of town. And once again I’m feeling bad and like I’m letting him down while he’s making plans to fuck his whore cousin.

Let’s just pray everything works out and he finally gets fixed.  It’s really starting to affect the kids.  Rock Star would like her father to be present and she doesn’t feel that he is.  Picasso needs a strong role model and Zack is busy hiding in his room.  I’m pretty much at the point where I’m ready to hire everything out and just accept the fact that he will never be a companion to me.  I love him but after 21 years with him I think that’s just not enough.  He’ll never be whole.  The sad part is I think that during his time with Harley he was whole; he was happy.  It was probably all the fantasy aspect of it; reality wasn’t a part of their relationship.  Nonetheless, that’s what he could be and I’ll never be enough to bring that out in him. Sadly, there are still times I believe that to be true. I just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the right person. 20+ years together, 2 kids, numerous moves across the country, starting my life over again and again to help him advance his career… and I wasn’t the right person. The whore is.

Funny isn’t it that Jezebel tells him he deserves so much better than me?  I think I deserve a husband that wants to be a partner.  I deserve a husband that wants to be a companion.  I deserve a husband that wants to share life with me and not sit up in his room drinking all the time.  I deserve a husband to laugh with and do things with and to help me raise our family. That was one of the few moments of clarity you had, Sam; too bad you didn’t run with that and get the hell out. I don’t get any of that.  I am so hoping that these meds work and that his mood changes around.  I’m hoping that this therapy helps because I don’t know how much more I have in me.  I feel myself pulling away; I feel us drifting apart.  And I feel myself beginning to sink in that dark hole again.  I will do my best to focus on the good, focus on the beauty, but I can’t make promises.

One Month Before D-Day

July 2015

My victories:

  1.   I stayed at the in-law’s house without my husband.  I am slowly healing that relationship.  I’ve even considered becoming FB friends with her.  Not quite ready to take that step but I’ve been mulling it.
  2. There is a song out there, not sure of the title.  I think it’s “I really really really like you” by Carly Rae Jepson (?).  When I first heard it it was a huge trigger!  That’s the justification Zack gave for continuing his relationship with Harley. Anyway, it’s quite catchy and the last few times I’ve heard it I’ve been singing along and bopping my head to it instead of allowing it to bring back bad memories.
  3. I’m not currently counting down any anti-verseries.  Not dwelling on what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Trying not to get distracted with any of the holidays.  Also hoping that August 14th will come and go like any other ordinary day.  And I’m really hoping that I don’t have a meltdown on my anniversary this year.
  4. As previously stated I’ve deleted most of my infidelity blogs and I don’t tend to read them every day as I used to.
  5. I did go check out the whore last night and downloaded some new pictures that other people had posted.  But ordinarily I don’t go looking for her on FB and I haven’t been checking to see how she and my in-laws are interacting.
  6. I have no desire to check Zack’s phone or his email.  I figure that he’s smart enough to keep it hidden pretty well and as I said before I can’t control him.  If he’s determined to cheat he will.  If he really thinks she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, there’s nothing I can do about it if I haven’t convinced him otherwise after almost 2 years.
  7. So many of the things that pissed me off earlier this year make sense now and I can accept.  The whole concept of gratitude specifically.  I’ve been making an effort to try to look on the bright side of things and I can understand what the authors were trying to say before.  But like everything else with adultery (with anything really) you have to be ready to hear that message.
  8. I just feel at peace.  I’m not worried about Zack and Harley.  I’m not full of hate and anger.  There are certain people (his nephew and Jezebel) I’m still not too happy with but I don’t dwell on it.  I rarely think about them.  I have put it out of my mind.  Every now and then something will come up but I usually solve that by telling myself, “Nope.  You’re not going to think about that now.”

Present Day Sam Says:  Hey, Sam, guess what?  He’s cheating on you!  He’s fucking a whore and sending her money while he lies about it!  Keep spackling, sweetie!  I’m glad you’ve made such great progress; I think it’s swell that you are finally to the point where you are over what he did to you.  Unfortunately, it’s too late because he’s doing it all over again.  Sorry!

Snooping & Convincing Myself Everything Was Great


July 2015

I may as well begin a new entry since this topic is so much different from the last one.  I was re-reading some of the old blogs I used to read in the aftermath of the affair.  I’ve deleted most of them.  I try to stay neutral because not everyone takes the same path but for me I figured I had two choices:  I could stay or I could leave.  If I was going to stay then we needed to fix this marriage and I had to forgive him and eventually get beyond this affair because I had no desire to stay and be miserable.  Has it been difficult at times?  Yes! And not because of anything he’s done since D Day.  It’s been triggers that have set me off and sent me spiraling.  That’s been the difficult part.

I read somewhere that it usually takes 18-24 months to recover from a spouse’s affair.  I think that’s about right.  I didn’t have a long initial recovery.  Things seemed to get better rather quickly in fact.  But the triggers remained until a month or so ago. The need to snoop.  The fear that he was still involved with her. The anger. Feeling like I was ugly and hideous.  I experienced all of those things.  Devouring infidelity blogs.  Wanting information about her.  Hell, I still do sometimes but it has all lessened in the last month or so.  I’m just over it.  And sadly, no matter how much you tell a person not to do something it won’t happen until that person feels ready to accept it.  I do occasionally check up on the whore. I think I’ve already said that I probably always will. And I haven’t looked on Zack’s phone since April.  He told me today that he did put a passcode on it because corporate is demanding that they do so.  He had told me months ago that he was supposed to and that if he did it would be 7026.  He also volunteered to have my thumb print be on “file” so that I could get into it that way as well.

Anyway, one of the topics on the EA blog was snooping and various readers’ feelings about it.  I read a comment in the comments section and I thought it summed up my feelings on it quite clearly:  The word “snooping” would imply that I am looking at something I have no business looking at.  I have been married for 28 years and happily gave up a lucrative career 21 years ago to be a wife and stay at home mother.  My financial well-being is tied up in my marriage, as my degree is now a bit out of date.  I could not easily return to the work world at this point.  Of course, this is not to mention the emotional investment in the marriage.  I don’t know about you guys, but I protect my investments.  If my stockbroker began acting like a meth addict, I would investigate and look closely at the books. Perhaps this sounds a little cold, but here it is.  If my husband’s behavior leads me to believe he is lying to me, it is within my rights to check out my suspicions.

Of course, I love the one, probably from a cheating spouse who said:  Snooping is a complex issue.  On one hand it shows the CS that their BS isn’t really moving forward, just hiding their true feelings of hurt, and looking for reassurance that nothing is happening.  It also shows that the BS really doesn’t have any faith in the CS so the CS figures, “Well, I am being honest but it doesn’t matter.”  It is bad, bad, bad for everyone.

Really?  You’ve spent months, if not years, lying to your spouse and now that he or she knows the truth, checking up on you just proves that he or she isn’t really moving forward the way you, the cheater, feels he or she should?  It shows that the BS doesn’t have any faith in the CS and poor picked on little CS is so defeated and downtrodden because the person they betrayed isn’t automatically saying, “Oh, honey, I believe you 100%!  I would trust you with my life!  Why on earth would I ever think you were lying to me?”

I’m hoping there was more to that entry and the blog owners just used part of the quote to show an opposing side.  Because everything quoted, if that’s all there was, is just drivel!  Excuses, excuses, excuses!  You cheat on your spouse and you need to expect to not be trusted.  You need to be willing to be transparent.  You need to be willing to give access to your email and phone.  If you aren’t then your spouse is going to be wondering what it is that you are hiding.  Sorry.  That’s part of being a cheater.  You’ve cheated and lied and betrayed someone you professed to love.  You don’t rebuild overnight no matter how convenient that would be.

Smile & Wave, Boys

July 2015

We finally made it home! 30 hours and 45 minutes on the road.  All went well at the in-law’s.  Feels like I’m putting the past behind me.

Came home to a house that smelled to high heaven.  The dogs have been peeing and pooping everywhere! So, I spent a good 3 hours today shampooing carpets.  I hope that helps.  I ended up blowing a fuse and it won’t flip back on so Zack may need to change that.  Rock Star mowed the front yard today because it hadn’t been mowed in over 3 weeks- since I mowed it last which was probably May 24th or so.  And, he hadn’t taken out the garbage the entire time we had been gone so I set out 10 bags today. Oh, plus I had asked him to restore 2 events on my DVR.  He restored the wrong 2 episodes of Scorpion and didn’t restore the Castle episode at all. Needless to say it was not a very nice homecoming.

The concrete workers came out today.  I was all excited thinking they were finally going to be starting on that.  No.  No such luck.  He is going on vacation on Friday and won’t be starting until the 13th. He said it would take about a week to get everything poured.  Lovely! And I still need to get the electrical done AND an inspector needs to come out and sign off on an inspection.  On the positive side, if it can even be called that, Zack informed me that he’s probably not going to go to Florida so someone will be here to pay everyone if the pool is completed while we’re in Florida.

I still need to call to get the hole in my ceiling fixed and the guy from the repair center to get my water filter fixed.  I have to say, I don’t think I will ever leave for an extended vacation again.  Quite honestly I’m a little hesitant to leave for another week.

Now I get to tell my mom that the pool may not be done when we get back after all. I am now crossing my fingers that we get to swim in the damn thing this summer!

Present Day Sam Says:  There are so many things wrong with this.  Let’s start with the obvious: He hadn’t taken out the trash in 3 weeks!  He hadn’t shampooed the carpets after the dogs had peed and pooped (they are used to being let out whenever they need to go because I am home all day with them).  He didn’t mow the yard in the entire 3 weeks we were gone!  It is very clear now that he had completely checked out by then.  He wasn’t doing anything for us.

Secondly, Tammy Faye was the one who urged Harley to call my husband because he had the sadz. This means that while I’m telling myself the visit went well and I’m ready to put the past behind me that conniving bitch more than likely knew that her son was fucking around with that whore again. She had me in her home and acted like nothing was amiss and the whole time she knows. She knows he’s fucking around again. She knows he’s planning on leaving me. The cruelty still manages to astound me.

I also remember trying to remain Zen about the whole pool thing.  I kept telling myself that once it was in I would have it for many more years to come. Yeah, I somewhat enjoyed it for about 6 days. So not worth it. Sometimes trying to look at the bigger picture and being all Zen just blows up in your face.

A Word About Emotional Affairs

June 2015
I have another friend who is going through a divorce. I will call her Bobbi Sue and her ex-husband Jerk Face. I reached out to her tonight to tell her how sorry I was about everything going on and that I could only imagine how difficult it must be with everything that’s happened in the last year. They pretty much remodeled their house in order to sell it, packed up everything, and moved across the country, much like me. She said about 2 months later he informed her he didn’t think he could remain married to her, and she later found out he has been having an emotional affair with another woman.

I think I’m beginning to hate that term. Why not just call it an affair? Why differentiate? An emotional affair is every bit as damaging as a physical affair, sometimes more so, and honestly, it’s just an affair that hasn’t gotten physical yet. I look at what happened to me and Zack, and now Bobbi Sue and Jerk Face. 2 emotional affairs and 1 divorce. I suppose it could have been 2 if I hadn’t been so damn stubborn and if Zack hadn’t come to his senses. I’m not trying to fool myself into thinking that I alone held things together. I think people add the qualifier because somehow not having sex with another person makes what you’re doing ok, at least in the guilty party’s eyes. Bobbi Sue said she called the OW and she insisted everything was platonic but does it matter? Jerk Face is still giving up his wife and 4 kids to follow his fantasy. He calls her every day, texts her, goes to dinner with her, works with her. But it’s ok because they’re not having sex. BAER

I also shared with Bobbi Sue the fact that Zack and I had gone through a rough patch and I thought we were headed for divorce and talked about his anxiety now and how he checked himself into a psychiatric facility. She said she never realized all that was going on and commented about how you just don’t know what all is going on by reading FB statuses.

There is also huge attention being paid to this young girl, a student athlete, who committed suicide last year. Everyone talks about how her social media made it look like she had a wonderful life and people were so shocked when she killed herself. I mean, it went a little deeper than that, but they did go on to talk about how she herself would see postings and think, “That’s how life is supposed to be but it’s not for me.”

I just always want to shout: Of course you don’t see everything! As one meme famously put it: When you compare yourself to someone else’s life on FB you are comparing their highlight reel to your behind the scenes. That’s so true. And part of why I about blew a gasket when a FB friend made that asinine comment about first world problems. Maybe younger kids haven’t learned how to filter yet (and to be honest some adults haven’t either) but as an adult I don’t air my dirty laundry on FB. Maybe that would make it a little more interesting. Instead of cute updates on what the kids did, or what fabulous vacation someone is taking they could post something like: I think my husband is having an affair. Or: My SIL hates me and I don’t know why. Possibly: I don’t know if being a mother is something I want to do anymore. My kids are driving me crazy and I just don’t think I can take another minute. Let’s try: I just found out my boyfriend likes to wear women’s clothing or I got so drunk last night I blacked out and have no idea what I did. No one is posting about their kids’ failures or faults in relationships. Kids aren’t posting about how they feel like they don’t fit in or they’re scared of the future or they have an overwhelming sense of anxiety and way too much pressure to succeed, or even that life sucks right now and it feels like everyone else is living the life you want to live. You generally stick to happy stuff. Sometimes there may be health scares or someone has died but you just don’t find people talking about their daughter’s DUI hearing or how their son lost custody of his kids because of his drug use or my teenage daughter is pregnant or my teenage son got his girlfriend pregnant or my kid got suspended from school, my mom and I haven’t talked for 6 months, and my sister hates my guts because her husband got drunk and hit on me at Christmas. It’s just not done and those who do that are generally looked at as though they’re crazy, or at the very least, immature.

So, no, you really don’t know what all is going on in a person’s life just by reading their FB page. Most people post the good and discuss the bad with close friends or relatives. They don’t post the really ugly stuff on social media.

Turning the Corner While the STBX Chooses Door #2

June 2015

Welcome to the Summer Solstice!  Longest day of the year.  I took the girls to the mall today and dropped them off to let them shop.  I went to see Spy with a friend and her husband and then we picked the girls back up and my friend and I lounged on the patio and in the kiddie pool, drinking the rest of the wine we had opened up last night…

In other news I remember reading that it generally takes 18-24 months to fully recover from an affair.  I have come to believe that’s pretty much spot on.  I also think that’s IF you recover.  The last few weeks I have been in a much better place.  I really have no desire to read the infidelity blogs I used to follow.  I don’t have much of a desire to see if Harley has posted a new picture or if she and my in-laws are conversing. I mean, it’s not totally gone but it’s not an overwhelming need either. I say this despite the fact I just checked up on her a day or so ago.  Who knows?  I may never stop checking up on her.  But she keeps her page private so I can’t really see anything.  She did post a picture of a vet with PTSD who has a sign asking for advance notice of fireworks going off near the 4th of July.  Maybe she’s just very civic minded and it has absolutely nothing to do with Zack.  Maybe she knows I still stalk her and she does it to get a rise out of me.  Or hell, maybe they are still fucking around.  I can’t control it though so I don’t dwell on it.  I can’t imagine that he would be willing to spend $53,000 on a pool only to have to put the house up for sale when we divorce.

I think I have been doing a great job of not dwelling on dates or what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Sure, 2 years ago I posed for a picture with Zack and the kids and posted a Happy Father’s Day message only days after being told he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and while he was declaring his love for his whore.  But, this is 2015, not 2013.  As Elsa would sing, “Let it go!”  And so I am.  You will not defeat me, you whore!

I don’t even think much about Jezebel and all the crappy things she has done. I try not to think about the fact that my in-laws gush and fawn over the whore.  I’m simply trying my best to be Zen and accept that which I cannot change….

OK, I’ve got to get up in the morning so I’d better go.

Present Day Sam Says:  Joke’s on me! While I’m finally turning the corner, accepting what was done, trying hard to move on and “focus on the future” he was hot and heavy with a whore.  Turns out he WAS willing to throw money into a giant pit in our backyard.  The entire time that pool was being built he was messing around with Harley, sending her money even and buying her and her kid iPhones and then taking on the cell phone bill.

And again I’m so busy being open minded and Zen that my brain should have tumbled out of my head.

As if that wasn’t sad enough I was having a really good time at this point. I was back in XX state and having a wonderful time seeing my friends again. It felt so good to visit our favorite restaurants, to be part of something, to be busy and active and vibrant once again. I’m feeling better and he’s plotting to leave me for a whore.


Two Months Before D-Day

Right about now I’m preparing for my divorce. I need to get stuff together so between work, kids, and the mobster I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m going to be leaving you with a few Blasts From the Past until I can get caught up on everything I need to do for the big D! I hope you enjoy reading about my last few crazy months with CF before I found out he was fucking around with the whore yet again. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride! 

These next few entries are from when the kids and I were back out west visiting friends. You know, since he moved us 2000 miles across the country for his dream job. 

June 2015

…. We went to the reservoir today and tonight we went to the dollar theater and saw Cinderella, which was pretty good. It has been nice being busy and hanging around friends again.
Zack is sick again. He said he had a massive anxiety attack last night and spent about 4 hours curled up in the shower and then he went in to work and threw up multiple times so he came home and spent the day at home. I hope he’s not drinking again. My mom said I should call Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to see if they would go and spend a few days with him.
Speaking of them, the whore put up her new picture again and this time around my FIL liked the picture. Thanks! But, in my new state of grace and forgiveness and looking on the positive side of everything I am not dwelling on it and in fact, I may end up seeing if they will be around on the 29th and if they are seeing if we can stay the night with them on our way back. I think that is remarkably big of me. I also changed my MIL’s contact picture on my phone to one of our trees so I don’t have to look at Harley’s ugly face every time she calls. His nephew, Jezebel and Pastor Fake still have Whore’s picture as their contact picture though.
I am also rarely reading any of the infidelity blogs. I just have no desire to. I did briefly look at Not Hate’s today.
Lately I’ve just been unable to think about affairs or any of that stuff. I just don’t have the time or patience for it. I’d like to put it all behind me and not have to think about it. I really am trying to focus on the positives and find good in everything. I’m crossing my fingers that Zack will soon be back on the road to recovery, although he’s taken a detour while I’m away.
He missed his appointment with his therapist last Wednesday and then decided to hold off on meeting until I come back. I’m going to have to make sure he does make his appointment with his psychiatrist on the 30th. I’m not sure I’ll be back by the time of his appointment and he can’t go around canceling those. It takes forever to get on the schedule.

Present Day Sam Says: Wasn’t I a busy little spackler? Spackle, spackle, spackle! It’s all going to be wonderful. He’s going to get better and we’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing bothers me anymore. Where are those shit sandwiches? They sure do look yummy! May I have more, please?

I don’t know when they started up again. I do know the first money transfer took place in June. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that he was an anxious mess because he was finally taking that step to leave me and his kids. Of course that assumes he has a conscience and I’m not sure he ever had one. All I know for certain is that I was still doing my best to get him help so that we could be a family and live a happy life and he was throwing it all away.