Why Would You Need To Sleep With Your Phone?

July 2015

He slept with his phone yesterday.  Said it was because the dogs kept knocking it down and he didn’t want to miss his mom’s call.  Then this morning I noticed the cord running to the chair where he always sits.  I thought it was in the chair with him but he’s actually putting it in his pocket.  He’s remote although he says the drive took a lot out of him and his boss was asking him a million questions yesterday.  I know he’s been talking to Blockhead because he told me this morning that they may go to their reunion.  I am either going to put my phone in his car on record or I’m buying a voice activated recorder to see if he’s talking to anyone on his way to work.  I know that won’t rule out everyone cheering him on to leave me but it might possibly eliminate my suspicions that he’s having another affair.  I wish I didn’t think like this but my gut is screaming at me that something is wrong.  He’s acting like he did back then.  And hell, his drive is only 10 minutes so maybe he wouldn’t even bother with calling and talking on such a short drive.

You wanna know the crazy part?  There are times I blame myself.  If I hadn’t used a public FB page as my own personal blog he wouldn’t be like this.  His other sister said he was so excited about this move, that it was a fresh start. I’m guessing that Blockhead stumbled across the page in December.  And everything has been downhill since. So I take that on as my own cross to bear.  I should have made everything private or friends only.  I could still have used it as my own personal blog but no one would have seen.  I could have made her pictures public and anything about her public and everything else private.  Despite the fact that he cheated and lied I’m the one feeling guilty and like if I had just done things differently then everything would be ok.  Sometimes I feel like it even extends to his family as well.  Not having a relationship with Jezebel causes him stress.  If I would just forget about all the things she’s done and how she helped to stab me in the back then everything would be ok.  And I know that’s faulty thinking.  He’s got to bear some responsibility in this.

At this point my mindset is this: He is not going to uproot his entire family and move us across the country so that he can leave me.  We will work through this because divorce is not an option.  Things are finally looking up in Whoreville and I really don’t need this shit. Maybe once my mom and everyone leaves on Thursday we’ll have a conversation about why he’s been acting so weird.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, honey, he was willing to uproot his entire family and move them across the country so that he could leave you. He was willing to put a brand new inground pool in your backyard to throw you off his scent. He was willing to lie and cheat. He’s an evil, rotten bastard and you would do well to remember that.


Keep Sticking Your Head In the Sand


July 2015

Another day at the beach.  I can’t tell if I’m getting tan or burnt.  Bubba Gump’s for lunch.  It was good.  Then we dropped Mom’s tv off at Best Buy, took the girls to the shopping center, and then went to the Donut Hole for donuts for tomorrow.

I’ve been having a horrible time getting ahold of Zack.  He just now finally texted me back.  Says he’s been busy. And now he’s off to dinner with some people from work- customers.  I told him I loved him and only 3 more days til I got to see him but he said nothing.  I sent him some pictures and he told me I was “so fucking hot”.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  I hope everything is ok.

Oh, another highlight: Jezebel is in Florida.  Spending a few days on the beach by herself supposedly and then she’s off to see her in-laws.  Funny, isn’t it, that she is able to visit her in-laws on a rather consistent basis while she never has time to visit her much missed, much loved brother.  Oh, and I know it’s all my fault.  She can’t visit because I’m so mean and I don’t want her around. Never mind she’s only been to whatever city we’ve ever lived in 7 times in 21 years.  Never mind the last time she visited us was in 2002 when Picasso was a baby.  Never mind that we lived in YYY state for an additional FOUR YEARS after she last visited, so it’s not like she can say it was so far away.  Never mind she never once in almost 8 years came to see us in our former state. No, it’s all because I’m so mean.  Nothing at all to do with her own choices.  Of course not!

Well, I’m going to try to focus on the last few days of this vacation.  I need to call our pool contractor tomorrow to find out when he thinks the pool will be done so Zack can get the money wired to our account. Spend some time with my nieces and nephew and my kids.  Just hang back and relax and have a good time.


Snooping & Convincing Myself Everything Was Great


July 2015

I may as well begin a new entry since this topic is so much different from the last one.  I was re-reading some of the old blogs I used to read in the aftermath of the affair.  I’ve deleted most of them.  I try to stay neutral because not everyone takes the same path but for me I figured I had two choices:  I could stay or I could leave.  If I was going to stay then we needed to fix this marriage and I had to forgive him and eventually get beyond this affair because I had no desire to stay and be miserable.  Has it been difficult at times?  Yes! And not because of anything he’s done since D Day.  It’s been triggers that have set me off and sent me spiraling.  That’s been the difficult part.

I read somewhere that it usually takes 18-24 months to recover from a spouse’s affair.  I think that’s about right.  I didn’t have a long initial recovery.  Things seemed to get better rather quickly in fact.  But the triggers remained until a month or so ago. The need to snoop.  The fear that he was still involved with her. The anger. Feeling like I was ugly and hideous.  I experienced all of those things.  Devouring infidelity blogs.  Wanting information about her.  Hell, I still do sometimes but it has all lessened in the last month or so.  I’m just over it.  And sadly, no matter how much you tell a person not to do something it won’t happen until that person feels ready to accept it.  I do occasionally check up on the whore. I think I’ve already said that I probably always will. And I haven’t looked on Zack’s phone since April.  He told me today that he did put a passcode on it because corporate is demanding that they do so.  He had told me months ago that he was supposed to and that if he did it would be 7026.  He also volunteered to have my thumb print be on “file” so that I could get into it that way as well.

Anyway, one of the topics on the EA blog was snooping and various readers’ feelings about it.  I read a comment in the comments section and I thought it summed up my feelings on it quite clearly:  The word “snooping” would imply that I am looking at something I have no business looking at.  I have been married for 28 years and happily gave up a lucrative career 21 years ago to be a wife and stay at home mother.  My financial well-being is tied up in my marriage, as my degree is now a bit out of date.  I could not easily return to the work world at this point.  Of course, this is not to mention the emotional investment in the marriage.  I don’t know about you guys, but I protect my investments.  If my stockbroker began acting like a meth addict, I would investigate and look closely at the books. Perhaps this sounds a little cold, but here it is.  If my husband’s behavior leads me to believe he is lying to me, it is within my rights to check out my suspicions.

Of course, I love the one, probably from a cheating spouse who said:  Snooping is a complex issue.  On one hand it shows the CS that their BS isn’t really moving forward, just hiding their true feelings of hurt, and looking for reassurance that nothing is happening.  It also shows that the BS really doesn’t have any faith in the CS so the CS figures, “Well, I am being honest but it doesn’t matter.”  It is bad, bad, bad for everyone.

Really?  You’ve spent months, if not years, lying to your spouse and now that he or she knows the truth, checking up on you just proves that he or she isn’t really moving forward the way you, the cheater, feels he or she should?  It shows that the BS doesn’t have any faith in the CS and poor picked on little CS is so defeated and downtrodden because the person they betrayed isn’t automatically saying, “Oh, honey, I believe you 100%!  I would trust you with my life!  Why on earth would I ever think you were lying to me?”

I’m hoping there was more to that entry and the blog owners just used part of the quote to show an opposing side.  Because everything quoted, if that’s all there was, is just drivel!  Excuses, excuses, excuses!  You cheat on your spouse and you need to expect to not be trusted.  You need to be willing to be transparent.  You need to be willing to give access to your email and phone.  If you aren’t then your spouse is going to be wondering what it is that you are hiding.  Sorry.  That’s part of being a cheater.  You’ve cheated and lied and betrayed someone you professed to love.  You don’t rebuild overnight no matter how convenient that would be.

Turning the Corner While the STBX Chooses Door #2

June 2015

Welcome to the Summer Solstice!  Longest day of the year.  I took the girls to the mall today and dropped them off to let them shop.  I went to see Spy with a friend and her husband and then we picked the girls back up and my friend and I lounged on the patio and in the kiddie pool, drinking the rest of the wine we had opened up last night…

In other news I remember reading that it generally takes 18-24 months to fully recover from an affair.  I have come to believe that’s pretty much spot on.  I also think that’s IF you recover.  The last few weeks I have been in a much better place.  I really have no desire to read the infidelity blogs I used to follow.  I don’t have much of a desire to see if Harley has posted a new picture or if she and my in-laws are conversing. I mean, it’s not totally gone but it’s not an overwhelming need either. I say this despite the fact I just checked up on her a day or so ago.  Who knows?  I may never stop checking up on her.  But she keeps her page private so I can’t really see anything.  She did post a picture of a vet with PTSD who has a sign asking for advance notice of fireworks going off near the 4th of July.  Maybe she’s just very civic minded and it has absolutely nothing to do with Zack.  Maybe she knows I still stalk her and she does it to get a rise out of me.  Or hell, maybe they are still fucking around.  I can’t control it though so I don’t dwell on it.  I can’t imagine that he would be willing to spend $53,000 on a pool only to have to put the house up for sale when we divorce.

I think I have been doing a great job of not dwelling on dates or what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Sure, 2 years ago I posed for a picture with Zack and the kids and posted a Happy Father’s Day message only days after being told he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and while he was declaring his love for his whore.  But, this is 2015, not 2013.  As Elsa would sing, “Let it go!”  And so I am.  You will not defeat me, you whore!

I don’t even think much about Jezebel and all the crappy things she has done. I try not to think about the fact that my in-laws gush and fawn over the whore.  I’m simply trying my best to be Zen and accept that which I cannot change….

OK, I’ve got to get up in the morning so I’d better go.

Present Day Sam Says:  Joke’s on me! While I’m finally turning the corner, accepting what was done, trying hard to move on and “focus on the future” he was hot and heavy with a whore.  Turns out he WAS willing to throw money into a giant pit in our backyard.  The entire time that pool was being built he was messing around with Harley, sending her money even and buying her and her kid iPhones and then taking on the cell phone bill.

And again I’m so busy being open minded and Zen that my brain should have tumbled out of my head.

As if that wasn’t sad enough I was having a really good time at this point. I was back in XX state and having a wonderful time seeing my friends again. It felt so good to visit our favorite restaurants, to be part of something, to be busy and active and vibrant once again. I’m feeling better and he’s plotting to leave me for a whore.


Continuing To Lie To Myself

May  2015

Cousinfucker was sad yesterday.  I’m sad for him.  He said he can barely function at work.  That sends alarm bells off.  I know to an outsider it might sound like I’m only concerned with the money but the fact of the matter is even if I went back to work I can’t make anywhere close to what he’s making.  He is our sole breadwinner so if he gets fired because he can’t function any longer we are fucked.  All of us. I’m a little less panicked today than I was yesterday.  I don’t know why.  Possibly because I just dig my head in the sand and trudge on.

I was thinking about this yesterday.  Thinking about happiness, actually.  I mean, I live in a beautiful place.  It’s absolutely gorgeous.  I love the rolling hills and the cows and all the farms dotting the land.  I can even deal with the fact that Whoreville doesn’t have all the conveniences that our previous town does.  We’re 2 hours from DC.  We’re 6 hours from NYC.  About 3 hours from the ocean.  And M is moving here!  I could deal with the fact that I’m not super busy like I was or that I don’t have tons of friends.  What I’m having trouble with is not even having a husband.  I have to always be strong because he is always breaking down.  He can’t support me because I’m busy supporting him.  I look at all these places, these Civil War sites or wineries, and think about how much fun it would be to go to some of that.  And then I realize I won’t be able to because Cousinfucker can’t do it.  He wants to be my best friend but he can’t do anything with me.

Thankfully, he is getting help.  I’m hoping the psychiatrist can prescribe some medication that will really help him.  I feel guilty because I have been falling asleep on the couch the past week or so.  I try not to do that because it makes him feel unloved.

In uplifting news Rock Star went to the cheerleading open gym yesterday and she said it was really fun.  I’m glad she liked it.  That kid has the world by the tail.  Everyone knows her, or at least of her. I tell her all the time I’m living vicariously through her.

Picasso seems to be having better days.  Or if they’re not better he’s keeping it to himself. I’ve been trying to get him an appointment with a child psychologist and Cousinfucker and I have talked about having him tested for ADD. In fact, Cousinfucker thinks there’s a possibility that he himself may have ADD.  Hell, at this point I don’t care what they diagnose.  Just medicate him!

Present Day Sam Says: How fucked up is that? I’m worrying over falling asleep on the couch because it makes him feel unloved. He kicked me out of our bed for over 7 years. You think that might have made me feel unloved? I forgot- I don’t count. The only important thing is that now he has decided I may sleep with him I’m the problem if I fall asleep on the couch.

Re-reading this makes me sad. My daughter did have the world by the tail and now… there are many days when she hates her life. Thanks, Dad!

I did live in a beautiful place. Turns out the mobster was only about 3 hours from me. I lived in a big, beautiful home with every material thing I had ever wanted. And now I live where I live, with my mom. I have very little to call my own. Cousinfucker took all of that away from me. He even took the ability to have a normal relationship with this most wonderful man away from me. Instead of being 3 hours apart and able to see each other every weekend we’re 10.5 hours apart and see each other… once every 2, 3,….9 weeks. Hooray! My husband fucks a whore and gets to see her every weekend while we’re still married and living together, even taking long weekends to see her. Now he’s living with the slut. Me? Yeah, I don’t get every weekend and I certainly don’t get 3 and 4 day weekends. The mobster would love to move to where I am but we are both responsible parents. We don’t do whatever the hell we want whenever we want to do it. So it will be at least 2 years and possibly even more before that becomes a reality.

I worried about what would happen to us if he lost his job because he “couldn’t function.” I should have worried more about me and the kids. Turns out he did just fine, but my premonitions about what would happen to me and the kids were dead on. I will probably always be living near the poverty line thanks to him and what he did to me.

Getting Through the Anti-versaries

May 2015

Nothing much to say, I suppose.  I could make stuff up.  I got my hair done today.  We’re replacing the air conditioning unit and getting a new humidifier.  Hooray for that!  Now maybe I won’t shock myself next winter!

Yesterday marked the 2 year anti-versry of Zack “confessing” to texting various women.  Actually, it marks the 2 year anti-versary of him being forced to admit he had been texting Harley.

It’s strange how our lives coincide.  My wedding anniversary is in December.  Her wedding anniversary is in December.  My birthday is the same day of the month as her wedding anniversary.  My birthday is at the end of one month.  Her birthday is the end of the following month.  I met Zack at the beginning of May; their affair began right around the same time that our relationship started.  He asked me to marry him on May 7th.  He told his nephew he was going to marry her on May 9th.  He half-heartedly confessed his affair on May 11th.

It takes a lot to stay focused during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all summer, basically, because that’s when it all began.  April through August I have to try to disregard any notice of the significance.  Hell, the day after our daughter’s birthday is the day the bitch basically said:  I’m fucking your husband!  And then I can relax until October, which is when I discovered him telling his nephew he was going to marry his whore.  Then I have about another month before our anniversary comes up and I deal with all sorts of triggers with that.  I’m hoping that this year all is good.

I do want to get to that point where we celebrate our anniversary as a victory.  A celebration of all the years of our marriage, not just the blissfully happy ones.  I want to be happy.  I want to be content.  I see some of these women on blogs who are so angry years later and I don’t want to be that.  If the affair is still causing you significant pain and unhappiness 3, 4, 5 years later (in some cases even more), then maybe it’s time to move on.  For my part I don’t read the infidelity blogs much anymore.  I deliberately pass right over them most days.  It helps, I’m sure, that so many of my favorites don’t write much anymore.  That’s the rub.  They write to heal and once they’re healed there is no need to write…

I feel like I have mostly let go of it.  Today I even gave thought to wishing him a happy anniversary on FB this year. I don’t know if that will happen or not but I consider it progress.

Obviously, I am in a situation where the OW won’t go away and die but I try not to think about her too much.  I think about her affair with my husband even less.  I am trying to keep the crazy hidden and look on the positive side.  It doesn’t always work but I am trying and that should count for something.

I guess I’m done for today.  Or for now.

Present Day Sam Says: I feel compelled to point out that when he originally confessed to texting with various women he really was texting various women. He was a male whore. A serial sexter!

I find it sad how much I wanted to believe the lies I was telling myself. It’s going to get better. We’re going to get through this. I need to trust him. I’m evolving. I’m thinking of it less and less. I’m making progress.

You know, marriage shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t be dealing with all that crap. If you are, your marriage is probably already over. Call it! Time of death- May 2015.


More Signs From the Universe That I Conveniently Ignored

May 2015

The whore’s newest picture (picture removed for now). Longer and darker.  Looks like I’ll continue to go short and blonde. I have to say I have been very surprised that my in-laws have not commented on or liked the picture.  Perhaps letting my MIL know she was sending naked pictures to Zack had something to do with that.

In other news it appears she’s now friends with Zack’s niece.  Oh, I just love seeing her gush over the new baby.  So, so glad we’re so entwined.  Even better I love the fact that Zack and I are sending money to pay her rent for 2 months while the whore does nothing.  If you love them so much why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually do something, Harley?

I am never going to get away from her, am I?  She’s everywhere.  My MIL thinks she can sympathize with what I’m going through because of what she went through, but the OW in her case didn’t hang around her family.  That’s the huge difference.  I’ve got everyone that we see when we go to Kentucky thinking she’s just the greatest thing ever.  People come into my home and then turn around and compliment that bitch.  And here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”

Yes, I know I could bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn’t exist. But you know my policy on that.  Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  I mean, if someone let a snake loose in my house even if I couldn’t see it I still wouldn’t feel comfortable until it was caught and removed.  I would never feel comfortable.  I’d always be wondering if I opened a cabinet or stepped down onto the floor if the snake would be there.  That’s just a fact.  I’d be a nervous wreck.  Blocking her on FB is like having an unseen snake roaming my house.  I’d rather know.  I’d rather see what was going on and be prepared.

In my defense, I do not stalk her page often.  I do sometimes wonder if it were someone different, someone everyone on Zack’s side of the family didn’t communicate with, if I wouldn’t stalk her page at all.  I kinda think I wouldn’t. I would have no need to.

The way I see it, Zack and I as a couple are fine.  I don’t think about her much in terms of what she almost did to our marriage.  Yes, I am still haunted a bit by the whole:  I know I don’t want to lose my kids and him telling Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  It bothers me because he does seem so miserable now and didn’t back then. Oh, logically I know it all has to do with the whole fantasy vs. reality thing.  She was new and exciting and promising to fulfill his every need.  It was all fantasy and no reality so she was the perfect woman, doing everything that needed to be done.  I get that.  It still bugs me at times.  Probably because he never sees the need to point that out to his sister when he talks to her and she talks to him and tells him how miserable he is.

And I can sometimes rationalize the FB thing by telling myself it’s no big deal; it doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve got “friends” that I rarely communicate with on FB. I have also been known to accept a friend request from someone I don’t know all that well. So, perhaps that is what has happened here with his niece.  It still bugs me, though.  I’m tired of seeing her wherever I look.  Funny how this becomes my cross to bear when I’m not the one who cheated!

Present Day Sam Says: Oh yeah, I think they were definitely fooling around at this point. He always said he loved my hair when it was longer and darker. I remember this picture of the whore. Someone commented on her weight loss, too. Another sign of an affair. Sign #3? Friending CF’s niece on Facebook. This was Pastor Fake’s granddaughter. Absolutely no reason for Harley to have any contact with her. In fact, she hadn’t up until this point.

I truly believe Harley is one of the most manipulative, fake phony people out there. She and Jezebel will get along wonderfully.

Oh, and this part?  <<<… here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”>>> That was absolutely dead on accurate.

You cannot continue to interact with the whore and honestly say you are rooting for reconciliation between the married couple. They obviously didn’t think that what she, or he, had done was that bad and they obviously were rooting for the two of them to get together.

Three Months From D-Day #2

May 2015

Oh boy, lots of stuff has gone on.  It has been a very busy week.  I never mentioned this, but last Wednesday Rock Star got kicked in the face at gymnastics and they ended up calling an ambulance to transport her to the hospital.  I was freaking out, although I don’t know why.  I’ve seen worse.  I was there when she broke her elbow.  I was there when she broke her back.  I was there when she slipped doing a flick on beam and crashed on her head.  This one threw me, though, and we all ended up going to the hospital together.  Zack was excellent.  Rock Star ended up with a broken nose and a gash on her nose that needed stitches.

Friday Zack left to go to Kentucky.  He made it about 40 miles before the anxiety overtook him and he ended up back home.  He was a mess all weekend and spent most of it drinking and sleeping.  I was going to hide his bourbon again but he got shitty with me so I left it.

Friday night/early Saturday morning our cat died.  We had just lost his mom a few months ago.  Friday was also the day I had decided I had had enough with our crappy cell reception.  There were storms and I was getting no service so I went to Best Buy and switched cell phone providers.  That was a debacle in itself. I was there until about 8:15 Friday night before I had to leave to pick Rock Star up from the gym. Then we were there for several hours on Saturday finishing up.

Monday Zack didn’t want to go into work but realized he had to.  He was having an awful morning and nothing seemed to help.  He also thought he was going through withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol because he was shaking and couldn’t keep anything down.  He ended up having me pick him up at 2 that day. Good news was he finally agreed to try EMDR therapy again.

Rock Star’s appointment with the ENT was that day as well.  He did not like the looks of her wound and said her nose did look crooked to him which she confirmed. Since he wanted to restitch the wound so the scar wouldn’t be as noticeable he wanted to do the surgery the very next day so Zack and I both spent most of Tuesday at the hospital.

Today was supposed to be the start of Zack’s therapy but something with work came up so it’s been switched to the 18th. And tomorrow I go in for a surgical consult to see about having my lipoma removed.

I saw a text from Jezebel where she was complaining that the kids don’t even know her.  And when Zack was saying he was so worthless because he couldn’t even drive to see his mom she replied that he only felt that way because he was so miserable with his life. I know I’m very sensitive to anything she has to say when it comes to Zack because it feels like she is salivating at the thought of him leaving me, but it really did feel like she was telling him that if he just had the courage to leave me everything would be ok.  You’re miserable because Sam makes you miserable.  If you leave her, life will be perfect and you will be happy.

There have been a few times when I thought about going through his phone but you know, it’s just not worth it.  I don’t confront him so nothing ever changes.  He gets drunk and down on himself and the next thing you know it’s all about how I don’t care. He portrays me as a horrible person and doesn’t see it at all.  He actually thought he was protecting me in his texts to Blockhead. I’m tired of searching and verifying, and usually, getting hurt by what he’s saying.  If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. I can say now I believe his trip back to Kentucky last weekend was going to be about his mom.  I’m 99% sure of that.  I’ll reserve 1% for doubt just so I don’t look like a total idiot if it turns out I was wrong.

And once again I have to say I’m a little tired of Jezebel playing the victim.  First of all, it’s been 3 years since she’s seen them.  They were 9 and 11, not exactly little babies or even toddlers or small children who might not remember.  Secondly, up until February she could have come to see them.  She could have arranged for them to come see her.  But she chose not to. I blocked her on FB for a short amount of time when Zack’s affair and her encouragement in it came to light.  It was no more than 2 months and probably less than that. And that was one mode of communication.  ONE!  There are dozens.  She has had years to contact them.  She could have messaged Rock Star via FB once the block was off. I know Rock Star continued to follow her on Instagram and I imagine Jezebel was following Rock Star.  If not, that had nothing to do with me.  She could have asked Zack if she had an email address and contacted her that way.  Both kids have a cell phone and have had one for years.  She could have asked Zack for their numbers and he would have given them to her and she could then have texted or called them.  She does not have enough respect for me to even try to play the “I knew their mom didn’t want me around” card.  If she wanted it badly enough she would have seen them or talked to them. Hell, despite the fact that I DON’T want her in contact with my kids now because of the stunt she played in February, she could still ask Zack for their phone numbers and communicate with them. But Jezebel wants to do what Jezebel wants to do and then she expects everyone else to bring themselves to her. She’s not going to go out of her way for something that is not that important to her. Over Christmas she managed to drive her sweet little ass to Florida and then turn around and go to Gatlinburg. Then, because Husband #3’s dad was sick, they returned to Florida for 2 weeks. So it’s not like she doesn’t have the time.  She has it and she spends it the way she wants; unfortunately, she does not care to spend it with us.  We are supposed to come to her and she fits us in between her busy schedule. She has visited us 7 times in 20 years- 5 of those times were for some other event: bridesmaid luncheon, wedding, Rock Star’s birth, jewelry show, Picasso’s birth/jewelry show.  That leaves 2 times in 20 years that she has visited with us just to spend time with us.  And she has not been to our home in almost 13 years.  The last time she visited was when Picasso was a baby. So yeah, I’m tired of hearing excuses. And really, that’s part of the reason I started to pull away even before Zack’s affair.

It got to the point where I was like:  Why am I driving out of my way to see people who can’t be bothered to come see us once in a while? And then my mom and nephew started coming out to Utah so I didn’t go back to Indiana. And if I wasn’t going to Indiana I wasn’t going to Kentucky either. The last time I drove to Indiana was July 2012 and I didn’t go down to Kentucky that year.  I came out for BFF’s bridal shower and then turned around and drove back.  I think I was out there for maybe a week. On the other hand, that’s the same year we went out there for Easter so they had just seen the kids.

Anyway, I’m just done with her.  I can’t take it anymore.  And my husband needs to put me front and center and stand up to her where I’m concerned. I want him to say to her:  Don’t continue to try to undermine my wife.  I love her.  She is the love of my life and I have no intentions of leaving her.  I don’t want to live my life without her and if she ever left me I would be devastated.  She has been by my side for 21 years.  Where have you been, Jezebel?  You haven’t visited me at my home in almost 13 years.  I lived in Utah, 1800 miles away, for almost 8 years and you never once came to visit.  Hell, when I flew across the country and stopped into Kentucky you drove to pick up your son and couldn’t be bothered to drive the extra 10 minutes to Frisch’s to see me.  Sam’s mom and brother drove 10 hours to see me!  Sam herself packed up Rock Star and Picasso and drove 3 hours to see you and Mom when you sang up in Detroit.  Even spent money on a hotel room.  But you couldn’t go 10 minutes out of your way and yet you continue to badmouth my wife.  You’re so concerned that she’s making me miserable and yet when I checked myself into a psychiatric facility at YOUR urging you left me in her hands.  She was the one who came by every day during visiting hours.  She was the one who went out and grabbed magazines and gum and word puzzles for me.  She was the one who spoke up on my behalf at the hospital when there was something she felt they needed to know or when I had questions I didn’t want to ask.  Where were you?  You didn’t visit even once, not even when I got out.  But you could run off to Florida for 2 weeks and be there for your father-in-law that you’ve known all of 2 years. So stop it!  She is my wife and you need to respect that.  When you cheated on Husband #1 with Husband #2 you wanted everyone to accept and embrace Husband #2.  You demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and we did.  You cheated on Husband #2 with Husband #3 and then demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and once again we did.  So it would be nice if you could do the same. I’ve been with her for 21 years, married for 20; she’s not going anyplace.  I don’t want to have to pick a side but if I do I’m going to choose her and we will have no relationship.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you were so stupid! I now firmly believe he intended to go down to see Harley that weekend.  I suppose it doesn’t really matter because in the end he cheated and was planning to leave.

And if anyone is still confused about what victim morphing is, look no further than my darling STBX sister-in-law. Everything is being done to her. She has done nothing wrong.


Stupid Memories That Shouldn’t Ever Be Remembered Again


May 2015

Today marks the 21st anniversary of Zack and I first connecting.  It was the day of J’s wedding shower that I was throwing for her at our favorite restaurant and I had retrieved the messages from my voicemail.  I think he was one of 3.  I called and left a message and when he called back I asked him where he had been since in his message he said he was always home.  We talked for quite some time and then I had to go to the shower.  I called him again that evening and we talked for hours and then we met for lunch the next day.  Engaged shortly thereafter.  Let’s see.  May 2nd would have been Monday and on May 7th he asked me to marry him.

Hmmm…. and to think 19 years later, almost to the day, he would be bragging to his nephew about how he was going to marry Harley.  May must be a good month for him.  It’s a little unsettling thinking about how their “anniversary” is right around the same time as mine. Grrr!

But you know what?  I’m not going to pay attention to that.  This is our story.  Not theirs. In the end our story ended with a wedding and 21 years of being together.  Their story ended with him dumping her ass.

Present Day Sam Says: Turns out our story ended up with a divorce that is going to take 2 years to finalize and their story ended up with an engagement ring, tons of marital funds going to her and her kids, and more than likely a marriage the day our divorce is final.


The Past & The Future

April 2015

Beautiful words from Elle. Not only beautiful but inspiring.

When you’ve reached a bad end, choose to make it a middle instead.

How often do we despair because of where we’ve “ended up”?  As in “I never thought I’d end up divorced.”  Or, “I never believed I’d end up the wife of a philanderer.”

The thing is, we haven’t “ended up”.  We’re here…sure.  That’s the bad news.  The good news is we don’t have to stay here.  “Here” isn’t where it ends.

Present Day Sam Says: Although this was a Blast From the Past and obviously concerned adultery, I think it applies to life after the discovery, and after your life has been blown to smithereens. It’s what keeps me going some days- this thought that here isn’t where I’ll be forever. That eventually I’ll be somewhere better and more stable. I’ll be able to stand on my own two feet.