Holiday PSA

It’s that time of year once again. You know the one I’m speaking of, right? It’s when people take to social media to tout how amazing they are because they continue to “put the children first” and spend holidays together. I’m sure you’ve seen at least one of them.

My ex and I chose to put our children first and our egos last and that’s why we spend every holiday together. Even though my ex cheated, lied, had two children with the affair partner, had me involuntarily committed to a psych ward, filed a restraining order against me, broke my arm, threw me through a plate glass window, methodically poisoned me, had me arrested, brought the affair partner into our home and had sex in our bed, turned all of our friends and family against me, financially ruined me, took our dog to the pound, and threatened to kill me, I don’t let that get in the way of doing what’s best for my children. It’s not about me and my feelings; it’s about them. And yes, of course the affair partner and their love children attend as well. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the gifts and then they come and take all the glory. But it’s for the kids so how can I complain? I’m setting a stellar example for my children. It’s too bad some of you are so angry and bitter you can’t put that aside for your children. They didn’t ask for this! I made the decision to love my children more than I hated my ex and you can, too! Do better. Be like me

If this kind of thing appeals to you and it doesn’t make your skin crawl to celebrate the holidays with a lying cheater then by all means continue doing so. It is not my goal to discourage a cooperative relationship if you and your spouse can have one. My job, however, is to tell you that you’re not an awful person if it doesn’t appeal to you. You are not damaging your children if you cannot bring yourself to celebrate the holidays with your ex.

I hate this tripe every time it comes out. And it comes out in many different forms. You have the very obvious where someone is patting themselves on the back for welcoming the ex home for the holidays, and then you have the less obvious ones. The ones where the prevailing wisdom is always, “Think about your kids and what they would want.” Of course, that’s always the advice when Parent #2 plans an elaborate vacation somewhere exotic and enticing over Parent #1’s holiday time. Or when Parent #1 is being cajoled into being Parent #2’s helpful little Christmas elf.

Hell, it wasn’t that long ago someone on a support board was venting about her ex-husband, the former mother-in-law, and the affair accomplice turned wife’s mother all contacting her, asking her for gift ideas for the daughter. People were giving her shit for not wanting to do the mental work of thinking of things this child may like for Christmas. I believe the girl is around 11 or 12. Definitely old enough that she could be asked directly. I’ve taken that approach many times and found it to be quite successful. Apparently that takes away all the magic of Christmas. Who knew? I guess the thinking was if the child had to actually tell someone what she wanted then she wouldn’t be nearly as surprised if she received that item at Christmas.

Adult: Amelia, what would you like for Christmas this year?

Amelia: Well, I was hoping for an American Girl doll, a new pair of pink Ugg boots, and an iPad. I also like to draw so any kind of art supplies are always great.

Christmas time comes. Amelia opens up a gift. It’s an iPad.

Amelia: Damn, this would have been so much more magical if they just knew I wanted an iPad. Now it seems anticlimactic. I’m not sure I even want it anymore. If only my mom had put me first and come up with a list of gift ideas to give everyone else so I didn’t have to speak the words out loud and manifest my own gifts.

You know what the kicker is, folks? Mom and Dad have 50/50 custody! That’s right. Mom does not have the child any more than Dad does, and yet somehow, it all falls on her. Why? Because Dad’s head is firmly stuck up affair accomplice turned wife-tress’s ass. Because Dad’s focus is on new wife and stepdaughter to the detriment of his own child. Because Dad doesn’t know his kid. Dad wanted 50/50 custody but he didn’t actually want to do any of the parenting required. And yet people are perfectly willing to tell Mom that she needs to “think of her child” and “do what’s best” for her. She’s been accused of ruining the magic of Christmas for her child, told that she obviously knows her child better than anyone so it falls on her to get answers to everyone who asks (again- despite her only having her child 50% of the time and having the exact amount of time as Dad does), accused of not wanting her child to have an amazing Christmas because what if she doesn’t get what she wants for Christmas, and so on and so forth. Every bad thing that might happen because she doesn’t feel it’s her job to tell three people who are not related to her what her child might want for Christmas will rest on her shoulders.

They can fuck all the way off with all that bullshit.

I saw another one where the ex asked the cheated on wife what she wanted for Christmas. He wanted to buy her either two $100 gifts or one $200 gift for the kids to give her. Apparently, “I don’t want anything from you, you jackass!” was not an appropriate response. At least to some.

One lovely lady replied, “I would tell him what I want but then I’m not bitter or petty.” Bless your heart.

In what world do we live that we are obligated to accept gifts from people we do not like?

Others suggested giving him ideas because it would make her kids happy to be able to give her a Christmas gift and watch her open it.

I think what they fail to realize is that she’s probably not going to be all that happy opening an unwanted gift from her ex, even if he’s doing it under the guise of “from the children”.

I’ve given some thought as to why this irritates me so much. After all, if some couples are able to get along great, do holidays and vacations together, watch each other’s children, buy each other gifts, housesit for one another, and be a gestational surrogate or sperm donor for the ex, what’s the harm? Good for them! What a blessing!

Here’s what I realized. These people that put these stories out there aren’t doing it for altruistic reasons. They aren’t writing about it because they want to show people that there’s another way. They aren’t writing about it to say, “Gosh, crazy things can happen. I never thought it would happen to me either but it did.” No, they write to make themselves feel superior. They write about it to look down on others who don’t do it the same way they do. They write about it to shame those that refuse to participate in the illusion.

Kids first, egos last.

Because God forbid you recognize that something makes you uncomfortable. God forbid you recognize that a situation is not good for you. If only you would put your ego aside and concentrate on your children spending the holidays with your ex and his pregnant mistress wouldn’t bother you.

I had to love my children more than I hated my ex.

What does this even mean? Every insane idea that an ex has must be approved? Every request, no matter how intrusive or disruptive, must be granted? Regardless of how difficult a situation may be for me, personally, if I love my children I suck it up and put myself through hell?

What are we talking about anyway? I shouldn’t engage in a screaming match at my child’s graduation ceremony? Yeah, I got that. Handled that one fine. I’m not a wild animal, for crying out loud! I need to invite Jerry Lee and Harley and her children out to dinner with us afterwards? Uh, I don’t think so. My kids will survive just fine without mommy, daddy, daddy’s whore, and daddy’s replacement children all celebrating together. Honestly, in my case I absolutely know that Picasso and Rock Star would prefer NOT to do that.

You need to put your children first.

Oh, that’s a weighty one, isn’t it? Who wants to be the big bad and disagree with that? What the hell? I will.

Putting your children first doesn’t come from eating shit sundaes. It doesn’t come in the form of humiliating yourself or putting yourself in stressful and/or painful situations. If you have one parent who cheated, lied, and abandoned the family and another parent who stuck around and did all the hard work raising the child or children while simultaneously having to rebuild their own life then that second parent did put their children first. So you can take your forced shared holidays and watching the affair baby and taking vacations together and shove it up your ass. When people finally give as much crap to the person who cheats on their spouse and abandons their own children for the new ones or for the new partner’s kids as they do to the person who is holding down the fort maybe I’ll look at my own behavior a little more closely.

In closing that’s my holiday PSA. If you get along with your ex, fantastic. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t. But if you don’t get along with your ex and you’d rather swallow shards of glass and slither buck naked through a creek of shit and toxic sludge than spend a moment of time with them, accept a gift from them, go Christmas shopping for them, or have them in your home for the holidays you are perfectly fine to say so. I hereby give you permission to tell them to fuck all the way off with that holiday bullshit.

Thanksgiving Past

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Then it was the best of times once again.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that I struggle with Thanksgiving. It makes me a little wistful sometimes. Thanksgiving 2014 was the last happy holiday we spent with Jerry Lee. It was the last time our lives were truly normal. Happy. We honestly were happy that holiday, or so I thought.

My daughter’s best friend flew out from Utah to spend the holiday with us and my mom, brother, sister-in-law, 2 nieces, and a nephew all drove to Virginia to spend the holiday with us. I put on an amazing spread. We played tons of Phase 10 and ate Scotcheroos and went Black Friday shopping. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’d had in years.

I thought Christmas was pretty good, too, until I discovered the text messages a day or two after Christmas where he told his sister he was heavily medicated and should never have tried to be happy. There went my Christmas cheer!

The following Thanksgiving was spent at my mom’s house- just me and my kids. The year after that I was toiling at Target so not really much of a holiday. Going in to work at 12:30 am will really suck the life out of your holiday.

Anyway, all of this to say that Thanksgiving of 2014 was really great and almost every year since I get all nostalgic. It’s not just that it was a really fantastic Thanksgiving. It’s also an acknowledgement that those days are over. That was my old life. Parts of it were really awesome and some days I miss those awesome parts. 

I tend to focus on Thanksgiving 2014, how great it was, and how I lost everything after that year. It recently occurred to me I’m thinking about it this all wrong.

Yeah, life after that Thanksgiving got really tough. There were a lot of tears. A lot of change. Most of it not welcome change either. I went kicking and screaming into a whole new life.

But then I begin to think about Thanksgiving 2017 and I remember how awesome that Thanksgiving holiday was for me. Family time and playing Phase 10 and being kidnapped and forced to go Black Friday shopping made some amazing memories but you know what managed to top that?

Finding out that I won my court case only a day or two before Thanksgiving! Yep, no matter how weepy I may get thinking about that final year together I can always cheer myself up remembering the year I got the judge’s orders right before the holiday. I remember opening those papers and reading them out loud. It got better and better the longer I kept reading. Yep, there was the part about how Jerry Lee could do much more for his children but his money was obviously going towards his girlfriend and her children. His expenses were deemed “excessive” while mine were considered reasonable. Harley got named in the final ruling- at least twice. First and last name. I was awarded $25,000 in legal fees. He got imputed for wages. I was given spousal support for 16 years. I got more than double the amount of child support Jerry Lee had offered to pay. Hell, I got more than three times the amount he wanted to pay for both spousal and child support. Jerry Lee was told any mental health problems he had had been managed until he started up his affair which was a self-inflicted wound. He was also told he could make more money but he refused to move, and while he said it was because of his mom and his support system he never mentioned the girlfriend, Harley Butt-face Whore, with whom he immediately moved in. It was also pointed out that throughout all of our marriage he rose up in his career by doing exactly what he refused to do now- move for the promotion. The judge told Jerry Lee the story he told of why he stopped the three support checks “hurt his credibility”. In short, he got his ass tore up and I got almost everything I wanted. I had an amazing holiday that year and I have no doubt Jerry Lee had an absolutely miserable one that year. He doesn’t do holidays well to begin with but to add on losing so completely in court and finding out how much money he was going to have to pay me? Oh my! I truly hope he spent the weekend in bed catatonic. The gold-digging Harley probably wasn’t real happy either. Based on that alone I will always treasure Thanksgiving.

For so long I worried about what would happen in the final orders. Would Jerry Lee get away with his claims of PTSD? For so long I had no answers. Only questions and worries. Preparing myself for the worst all the while knowing there was no way to truly prepare for the worst. My greatest fear was that Jerry Lee and Harley would live happily ever after with all of their money intact because of his bullshit PTSD claims while I worked two jobs and couldn’t afford shit. Thankfully that didn’t happen, and how appropriate it that I found out right before Thanksgiving?

Instead of looking back and reminiscing about everything that was lost after 2014 and allowing that to dampen the holiday I am choosing to think of Thanksgiving as my victory. The tide truly did begin to turn at that point. No more weepy Thanksgiving memories for me. From here on out Thanksgiving is associated with me emerging victoriously over Jerry Lee.

Many, Many Moons Ago

How long is a moon anyway? Are we talking each individual moon that shows up each night? Are we talking only about a new moon? A full moon? I’m so confused.

August 10th came and went without any notice from me. It’s been 7 years since I found out Jerry Lee was cheating on me with that trash bag I call Harley. 7 years. I did not register the date at all.

In 2016 my whole life had imploded. I had just moved back to Indiana. I had no job. I was a mess. In 2017 I brought a cake into work. Celebrated my freedom from a fuckwit with that cake. Beyond that I don’t really recall doing anything or thinking anything about that date.

Tomorrow is the 14th. That will mark 9 years since I got the message from The Saint, letting me know Jerry Lee was still “talking” to Harley. I plan on taking my mom and Picasso to Cracker Barrel. Maybe I’ll buy some Christmas decorations. They’re probably out by now. Maybe I’ll buy a cute sweatshirt. Maybe I’ll just buy breakfast. Who knows?

I once vowed to buy myself something very expensive every year on August 14th. That was while I was still with Jerry Lee. I like the idea, even today; however, if the date is ever going to become a non-entity I can’t make a point of buying myself something on that date, can I?

I think for this year I’m set. I bought my Hokas and computer in May. I got a grill and some new patio furniture this summer. I think I’m good.

Best part? I’m free of him. Happy Freedom Day even if you don’t remember what day it is!

Six Years Ago Today

Time flies when you’re having fun. Six years ago today I had my U-Haul packed up and I loaded my two kids and the three dogs into our multiple vehicles and headed off towards Indiana. My brother drove the U-Haul and took Picasso with him. My mom had her own car, although I’m not sure if Rock Star drove with her or me. I’m fairly confident I had all of the dogs.

I remember crying as I drove out of the neighborhood. It was not supposed to be like this; however, with Jerry Lee basically getting fired and deciding that he wasn’t going to go back to work anytime soon, I didn’t have much of a choice. Even if I started working right away I wouldn’t have been able to pay the mortgage, even if that’s the only thing I paid each month.

I remember pulling into my mom’s driveway, going into the house, and thinking, “Now what?”

Now shit would get real. I had to enroll kids in school. I had to apply for Medicaid because this was back when you were fined for not having insurance. I had to apply for free lunches and textbooks. I had to find a job, which would end up taking three months. I would end up getting hired on at the bank in another month but wouldn’t start until January.

Six years. Huh. I suppose a lot has changed in those six years. I made it through the divorce. I made it through working two jobs. I met the mobster. I finally have a bed and a bedroom of my own. I finally have a job where I make a decent amount of money instead of crossing my fingers each month that Jerry Lee will pay his support in full and not modify it yet again. I finally have a kick ass legal agreement that puts Jerry Lee in jail if he fails to pay. Rock Star will soon graduate and will be fully launched by this time next year. Picasso is working on it.

And while this happens EVERY year today is also National Cheesecake Day. If you live close to a Cheesecake Factory you can go in and get yourself a slice of cheesecake. I think it was free, but it may be half price now. You can’t get carry out but you don’t need to order anything other than the cheesecake in the restaurant. Go get yourself some cheesecake! Make this day a happy one!

2022- A Meh Kinda Year

It’s trigger season- that lovely time of the year when all of my Facebook memories show me visiting with my family and friends in Indiana and Utah right before the axe dropped. It’s full of updates about my pool. The trip out to Virginia to buy a house. Our bucket list of things to do before we moved. Pictures of our house in Utah up for sale. Pictures of us moving into our new home in Virginia. Pictures of all of our new furniture and how I decorated my house. It’s right around the time I found out about Harley the first time. It’s June now which means, not D Day, but the day he texted me to tell me he had lost his job and wouldn’t be sending anymore money my way. June 10th. And Father’s Day. Always a jolly holiday in our household. I’ve still got pictures of me renting a U-Haul so the kids and I could move to Indiana after Jerry Lee lost his job to look forward to in late July and August is the month of both of my D-Days- the 10th and the 14th. So many memories to trudge through. Or avoid.

This year, though, it’s been kinda “meh”. Maybe I’m simply too busy with work. I had already put in 38 or 39 hours by the time I logged onto the computer Thursday morning. It’s going to be a hell of a week this week, too.

June 10th came and went with no fanfare, which is exactly what I want. When it first happened it overshadowed DDay as the worst day ever. I thought that day would be a looming anniversary forever. An indelible memory. But once again it passed with almost no notice. I was actually sitting on the couch and I thought to myself, “Oh! Did I completely miss it this year?” I was quite excited and happy. And then I realized it was June 10th. So, it’s still there slightly niggling at my brain, but it’s like a cobweb that I can swipe away.

Today was Father’s Day. It was no biggie. I guess I’ve been fortunate in that I haven’t had to deal with my kids happily trotting off with Jerry Lee and Harley, playing happy new family. I do, however, think about my kids and the fact that their father is such a piece of shit. I’ve said before it will never NOT hurt when he hurts my kids. The fact that neither of my children has a real father they can rely on hurts them, so it hurts me. I believe that in past years Rock Star and Picasso would acknowledge me on Father’s Day. One year I bought myself a Father’s Day gift. This year, though, it was very “meh”. None of us acknowledged it. It was just another day.

It’s nice when it gets to that point. It’s also a little weird. I often think it should mean more. I’m glad it doesn’t.

Next month will mark 6 years since I moved back to Indiana. It will also mark 8 years since we left Utah. I was all set to write a maudlin post next month about how July marks a turning point. We’ve been out of Utah as long as we lived there and every day henceforth would mark more time out of Utah, than in. Perhaps that’s when it becomes a reality. You realize the life you left behind has been gone longer than you had it.

Then I did the math and realized that we weren’t there for a full 8 years. We moved there in November of 2006. We moved to Virginia in July of 2014. We were in Utah 7 years and 8 months. Without even realizing it we were already living this new life outside of Utah longer than we had been living our lives in Utah. Once the math was done and I acknowledged that July wouldn’t be the start of the time clock, that the countdown clock had in fact already begun, it quickly became another “meh” moment. No use in reminiscing. What’s done is done.

It is getting late and I have another long day tomorrow.

Mother’s Day 2022

As mentioned previously I had a splendid Mother’s Day. 

Rock Star came up on Saturday because we went to the Garth Brooks concert. It was so much better than the concert we went to in October of 2019. That one was good; make no mistake. But the weather was miserable.This was the beginning of his stadium tour. It was outside in October. Which could have gone either way. The weather had been quite nice actually up until the time of the actual concert. We dealt with freezing rain and temperatures in the 30s. My feet were frozen. And since this concert was being filmed for the special that aired in December of that year we had to do a lot of stopping and starting and repeating.

This time though the weather was perfect. There were no cameras for filming so the concert flowed. He didn’t come on until 8:30, I believe, but he proceeded to entertain us for 2 and a half hours. He made his entrance hanging off a piece of stage equipment. He joked. He sang. 

I have to tell you, if you’ve never seen him in concert, the man is an amazing performer. He plays all of his big hits. At one point he was talking about a band member and how this band member had taught him to play the guitar, taught him three cords. He played those three cords and the crowd went wild. It was “Friends In Low Places”. He even sang the third verse. 

He has a way of making every crowd feel like they’re the best he’s ever experienced. And seemed genuinely shocked when he would play the real old songs and the crowd would burst into song along with him. He also loves reading the signs and singing the songs the fans are begging him to sing.

I said he played for 2 1/2 hours. I’m pretty sure a solid hour of that was the encore. He came back on and sang a few songs before starting the cover of “Shallow.” Up pops Trisha Yearwood to join him. She ended up singing one of her songs, “She’s In Love With the Boy,” as well, and then sang backup on a few more songs for her husband.

Then he did a second encore! The second encore was pretty much all sing alongs. It wasn’t his stuff but they were all well known songs, like “Piano Man”. We’d all sing with him and it was usually just one verse and a chorus before he’d go on to the next one. He did that with his first encore, too, where he was signing the songs the fans had written on poster board.

Anyway, it was amazing. It was probably the best concert I’ve ever been to. I’m so glad I got to share the experience with my daughter, my mom, the mobster, and Sweet J.

Earlier that day I treated myself because it was Mother’s Day weekend. I bought myself a new pair of Hokas and a new computer. It’s still not set up, primarily because it didn’t come with Windows and I’m trying to decide if I want to spend the money to lease it. I’ll also have to remember what my password was to my blog.

We had biscuits and gravy in the morning on Mother’s Day. My brother came over later and made beef stroganoff for us, with a little help from me. My daughter gave me flowers and some really great pictures of the two of us. She made picture frames, too. My son couldn’t wait for me to open my gift so he had set it up in my bedroom when I got back from the concert. He bought me a gold plated rose.

I don’t know if any of you remember The Rose of Death story I told about my 20 year anniversary gift from Jerry Lee. The cliff notes version for those of you who have never read it or have perhaps forgotten it is this: For our 20th anniversary Jerry Lee bought me a platinum plated rose mounted on a wooden stand. He paid over $100 for this. I was not a fan. It might not have been so bad except when I was opening the package I saw something about a family tree with little picture fames for the family so I thought that was what I was getting. And also, really? 20 years together and your gift is a platinum dipped rose? I was very disappointed. It would have been a perfectly fine gift for my birthday or Christmas or even Mother’s Day.

Back to present day. My mom told me he had showed her what he bought. She said he was so proud of it. “I finally have money so I can buy her something really nice!” he told her. She said she debated telling me about it because she knew how I had felt about the platinum dipped one years ago. Even Rock Star later admitted that when I brought it out she was inwardly dying. She, too, knew the story about the Rose of Death.

I love the rose my son bought me. It hits a lot differently when it’s your kid buying you something. I love that he wanted to buy me something really special. I love that he put time and thought into it. And I love that he was so proud of his gift. I love that he thinks I’m worth it.

Along with the rose he gave me a handwritten note. Basically it thanked me for being there and supporting him through the rough time he has had the past year or so.

How was your Mother’s Day?

A Belated Mother’s Day Message (Or An Early Father’s Day Message)

Mother’s Day has come and gone. Mine was splendid but I’ll write about that later. It’s a little late to save the moms this year but if I have any male readers dealing with cheating wives maybe I can save you some heartache this coming Father’s Day.

I saw so many people this year hurt and bewildered by their ex or soon-to-be-ex not wishing them a happy Mother’s Day.

I’m the mother of his child(ren) and he didn’t even wish me a happy Mother’s Day! You’d think the least he could do is acknowledge that. We were together for X number of years. I’m the one raising his kids, the ones he left behind. Is it that difficult for him to do this one small thing and recognize me on Mother’s Day?

Yes! Yes, it is asking for too much to expect him to acknowledge you on Mother’s Day. He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants while you were married/living together/in a relationship. Showing you any sign of respect is not his strong suit. What makes you think he’s going to treat you better now than when you were actually together? Before you at least served a purpose. You cooked his meals, kept his house, did his laundry, made sure the bills were paid, kept his life in order, had sex with him. You made him look like a stable, normal human being. Now you’re just a nuisance to him.

I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry. There’s simply no way to sugar coat it. As Chump Lady says over and over, “You cannot look to the person who hurt you to help you heal.” That’s like asking your kidnapper to help you escape.

Maybe I am blessed with the ability to shut things off when I see them going south. I was all in with Jerry Lee and our wreckconciliation until I got the news from The Saint about Jerry Lee lying about where he had been. When I found out Jerry Lee was messing around with Harley again I was done. I wasn’t looking forward to what needed to happen but I knew it was over. I had warned him two years prior.

I remember my first anniversary post separation. Rock Star bought me candy and flowers. I took my kids to Olive Garden (ironically, an hour’s drive away from where we were living). I focused on making the day about them. Never in a million years was I expecting Jerry Lee to even mention the day in passing, much less send me a message acknowledging our anniversary or send me flowers.

I didn’t expect him to recognize my birthday and I wasn’t sitting on pins and needles wondering if he would do anything for me for Mother’s Day. Most of the time he half assed it while we were married. Why on earth would I expect him to pull out all the stops now that he was fucking his cousin?

Is it because we’ve been fed this constant stream of conscious uncoupling bullshit? Are we really buying into this narrative that “divorce doesn’t mean you’re no longer a family; it just means your family has been rearranged slightly,”?

I’ll say it again. You cannot expect the person who broke you to help put you back together. They are not capable of it. They have no vested interest in doing so. There’s nothing in it for them.

Protect your heart. Don’t expect anything out of them. Don’t expect humanity. This is your ex for a reason. When you no longer expect, or better yet, don’t even want acknowledgement from them on your birthday or Mother’s Day or Christmas you take away their power to hurt you.

Gentlemen, if you were wishing your cheating ex’s a Happy Mother’s Day- STOP! They don’t appreciate it and they don’t deserve it. It ends up making you feel bad because your acknowledgement falls on deaf ears and frequently is met with dead silence. It’s no longer your job to celebrate your children’s mother. Someone else can do that, and if she’s got no one else, well, she’s got no one else to blame but herself for her circumstances.

Ladies, I failed you on Mother’s Day but keep in mind, the above message goes for you as well on Father’s Day. You aren’t taking the high road by celebrating him when he ignores you. You are eating a giant shit sandwich and telling yourself it tastes wonderful. Please stop.

If your kids are old enough to buy a gift for him on their own, let them. If your kids aren’t old enough to do that, and they actually want to do something for him I’ve heard many people suggest letting them make him a card or draw him a picture. If you’re feeling rather generous maybe take them to the dollar store or some big box store and give them a budget of $5 or less. If your kids don’t ask to do anything, or maybe they’re not even old enough to do anything, don’t do anything for him. It’s not your job.

Take back your power. Take back your sanity. Don’t let them hurt you this way anymore.

Whoopi Disappoints Me

Have you heard about the Reddit thread where people ask if they’re the asshole in the situation they’re in? If not, I assure you it exists.

Right before Thanksgiving a woman wrote in asking if she was the asshole because she didn’t want to invite her cheating neighbor and his side piece to Thanksgiving dinner.

As she states in her post: I am part of a group of friends in my neighborhood. We take turns hosting dinner parties between our households. One of our group recently moved out because her husband was cheating with his secretary. In the last month he moved her in and is acting as if everything is normal.

Turns out the letter writer was due to host Thanksgiving on her month because none of the people in the group could go be with family that year. The cheating neighbor asked the letter writer’s husband about the plans for that month, assuming he and the mistress would be invited. When her husband informed him that no, they weren’t invited and that due to the circumstances none of the wives wanted either of them around, the mistress jumped into action.

She approached me right as I was getting home from work so I’m assuming she was waiting for me. She wants to try to mend fences and build friendships with the wives of her boyfriend’s friends and neighbors as she’s now part of the community.

The letter writer was having none of that. She simply told her she didn’t want to be friends with a woman that screws around with married men and let her know that her “boyfriend” stopped being her friend the minute he destroyed his family and broke her friend’s heart.

Not to leave you hanging but of course, cheating neighbor was furious because the home wrecker was upset.  How dare you upset his side piece? And in a shocking twist the husband stuck up for his wife, told his friend he didn’t approve of what he had done either, and let him know his wife didn’t wish to continue a friendship with him or his whore (although in the thread she was called his girlfriend).

They discussed this on The View. How I managed to see this snippet I’m not sure. I don’t watch The View. Maybe it came up on my Google feed? Anyway, Whoopi brought this up and she was all but sneering at this woman. She said all the typical things you hear in their defense: It’s none of her business. She has no idea what their marriage was like. It was presumptive. Maybe the wife was relieved to find out her husband was cheating because it gave her an out. And then she goes on to say that when she has friends that break up she remains friends with both of them because you just don’t know what goes on in other people’s relationships.

Balderdash! I have this to say in return: No one is entitled to my friendship. I have every right to end a friendship for whatever reason. Hey, you wore purple on a Tuesday. I’m done! You watch The Bachelor. I’m done! You’re a Tom Brady fan. I’m outta here! Your favorite M&Ms are the brown ones. Nope. It can be anything.

Obviously those are some extreme (and stupid) examples but honestly, anything can be a deal breaker. And believe me, if I’m going to kick someone to the street for preferring brown M&Ms I sure as hell am not going to be embracing a husband stealing, married-men-fucking whore that helped destroy my good friend’s marriage. I don’t give a shit if she didn’t “owe” her anything or not. Don’t shit on my friend and think I’m going to welcome you into my life. If I don’t want to be around your lying, cheating piece of shit new beau then I don’t want to be around you either.

Furthermore, no one is entitled to be invited to my dinner parties either. You don’t get to demand an invitation. You certainly don’t get to demand I invite your mistress or play nice with her.

I don’t care if I supposedly don’t know the whole story or that I only know my friend’s side of what happened. Guess what? She’s my friend. Her side is the only one I care about! I don’t care if someone thinks it isn’t any of my business. I can’t un-know what I know and if I know someone is a lying, dirty dog then I know that whether it’s my business or not. And once I know I can decide I don’t want to be around that person.

I’ll say it again for those in the back. NO ONE is entitled to my friendship, my time, or an invitation to my social gathering. You want to be invited to my neighborhood Thanksgiving? Don’t fuck my friend’s husband. You want to continue being invited? Don’t cheat on my friend.

The Warm, Soft Glow of Christmas Lights

One of my favorite things to do during Christmas is to sit in the still darkness while the Christmas lights softly glow around me. There is something so peaceful about this. I think the best time to do this is in the early morning when everyone is sleeping and all you can hear are the quiet sounds of the household. I sit there quietly, sometimes reading on my phone, sometimes doing nothing, and let the feeling of Christmas wash over me.

It seems like every time I’m with the mobster we are going, going, going! We go a hundred miles an hour, trying to wring every last second out of our time together. It’s usually on that very last day or evening that we finally sit and simply take it all in. It’s kind of like those moments in the dark in front of the Christmas tree.

This year when I went down to visit him for our Christmas together we made it a point to sit on his screened in porch in front of one of his two Christmas trees and just be. We had a cup of coffee and there may have been food. I don’t remember. We looked at the lights and simply enjoyed our quiet time together. In fact, that’s where we ended up opening our gifts to one another as well.

I think that maybe what I’ve been searching for these last few years is the feeling of Christmas. The Hallmark movies I enjoy the most are the ones that show the town coming together and people enjoying traditions and time spent with loved ones. It’s the spirit of Christmas and how they show that. I don’t care about the love story. They could have an entire movie about the town’s Christmas festival and if they didn’t showcase a single romance I would not be sad at all. Sitting quietly while I watch the lights brings that feeling back to me, if only for a few minutes.

Now, in our household, all things Christmas are done. The decorations are put away. The lights will wait until next year to make another appearance. My daughter is already headed back to school. Thankfully I have the mobster’s visit on New Year’s Eve to keep the holiday blues at bay.

Now it’s on to holiday leftovers. Get ready for the New Year, everyone. 

Christmas 2020

For being in the middle of a pandemic it wasn’t a bad Christmas. You don’t always know how the holidays are going to turn out. I think Christmas brings with it a lot of pressure.

Think about it. The stores start putting out Christmas decorations in September. I’ve actually seen Christmas displays in Hobby Lobby in July. Not large displays, mind you, but they definitely have stuff out. Then you have the Christmas ads that begin to run in September. Sometimes that’s just so they can say they’ve had the first Christmas ad of the season but they are definitely appearing by early November, if not in October. You’ve got radio stations that begin playing Christmas music on November 1st. Thanksgiving is treated like a precursor to Christmas a lot of times. There’s Black Friday for in person shopping and Black Monday for online shopping.

Speaking of which, did everyone prefer the way the retailers went about it this year? I was so glad not to be overwhelmed with deals and sales that one day on Thanksgiving this year. I liked how almost all of the stores were closed for all of Thanksgiving. I was never one of those who was planning on boycotting any store that was open on Thanksgiving (I’m also not a fan of Black Friday shopping and do most of mine online) but I thought it was a lovely return to times in the past where holidays were actually spent with family instead of rushing out to begin buying for Christmas.

Anyway, there is tons of stress surrounding the holidays and trying to make everything perfect. And with this year being a year of social distancing and sickness no one was really sure how this was going to play out.

My only disappointment this year was not being able to do the cookie exchange/white elephant gift with my friends. Covid hit a little too close to home right before the holidays so that was scrapped.

I did my Christmas baking and I think I made almost a perfect amount of food. There was probably a little too much and I have definitely been eating way too much. They call it Christmas crack for a reason.

I had a lovely time in Virginia with the amazing mobster earlier in the month. We played some Pokemon Go, did some Christmas baking, opened our gifts to one another, ate some great food, and just enjoyed each other’s company for a longish weekend.

I was a little bit upset about the short amount of time my daughter was spending at home this year. She didn’t come up until the 23rd. I thought she was staying until Tuesday or Wednesday, but it turned out she was scheduled to work so she left on Sunday the 27th. It all turned out okay though. It was good having her home and we have made plans for me to go down there to see her in January.

We weren’t sure how Christmas Eve was going to play out. Our Christmas Eve gatherings used to be so large that we would have appetizers for dinner because people came and went. Many years my mom and stepfather would invite friends over on Christmas Eve. Both of my brothers and their families were present. My stepsister and her kids started coming over. It was a big cheerful bunch. 

Over the years that has changed. The friends of my mom and stepdad have passed. My stepdad passed. My one brother has not been up for Christmas in close to ten years. My niece, Florence Nightengale, hasn’t been up for Christmas since she got married last September and when she doesn’t come up, her brother doesn’t come up either. My stepsister had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Her daughter who is in grad school in Chicago opted not to come over because of Chicago’s Covid-19 restrictions. Her son and his wife had texted earlier in the week to say that they would be coming over but probably wouldn’t be staying long. My sister-in-law also worked on Christmas Eve.

It turned out to be a really good Christmas Eve though. My nephew and his wife ended up staying for several hours, and they were more talkative than they’ve been in years. Probably because they usually stick together in one little pod of four when they come together. This year they had no choice but to talk to the others.

My friend Sweet J is dealing with her crazy family so she opted to come over for Christmas Eve instead of dealing with them.

My son’s friend came by to drop off a gift for him. I asked him if he would like a plate of cookies to take home with him. He was hesitant to take it because he was dropping off gifts. I’m not sure if he thought he could only have them if he stayed and ate, but I told him I would be more than happy to fix a plate and he could take them with him. He is also friends with my nephew and said his was the last gift he had to drop off. I jokingly said, “If you’d waited until 5 he would have been over here and you could have killed two birds with one stone.” Well, that started off a chain of events that led to him being over at our house until 10:30 or 11:00 that night. He ended up staying for dinner and trying green bean casserole for the first time in his life. He sat with us while we opened gifts. I felt bad because there was nothing for him except for what my nephew had gifted him but it was pretty obvious his mom was not picking him up any time soon and we had a houseful of people waiting to open gifts.

Picasso and I pooled our money together and bought my brother a knighthood from Sealander.  Picasso asked him, “How does it feel Sir Uncle C?”

We had a feast of seven layer salad, deviled eggs, ham, Swedish meatballs, scalloped potatoes, corn casserole, broccoli, cheese and rice casserole, green bean casserole, and Texas Roadhouse rolls (yes, you can buy those suckers frozen and take them home!). There was pie but I don’t think we ever got around to eating it. We also had cheese and summer sausage and shrimp cocktail before dinner.

I got some amazing gifts, including a beautiful Mom necklace from my daughter, 2 bottles of my favorite wine from a local winery, and a giant stuffed Eevee from my son.

Christmas Day I had a full stocking. I had to have a little conversation with my kids about that because last year I was the only one without a stocking. I fill theirs and my mom’s and I had nada. But they made up for it this year. I got a huge coffee mug, another polar bear ornament (in addition to the two my mom gifted me), a wine journal, sugar free chocolate, and some gift cards.

Both of my kids loved their gifts. All of them. The gifts they opened on Christmas Eve and the ones they found on the mantle and in their stockings on Christmas morning. Picasso loved his record player and the vinyl albums he got and Rock Star loved all of the clothes, shoes, and jewelry.

I made a breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls in the morning. Queen B and my nephew (I need to give him a name- I think I’ll call him C2) came over a little later in the day to play Phase 10. My brother showed up as well.

You’ve never played Phase 10 until you’ve played it with him. He always wants to know who’s in the lead and how many points. Then he’s always sure to tell you who you should be skipping. This year he began the tradition of the Skip Box because people would forget they were skipped. Or rather, they would attempt to play when they were skipped and insist they had already served their skip. So he handed out the Skip Box. You can give it back once you’ve been skipped.

Picasso’s friend came over again because he was interested in playing Phase 10. He took my brother’s spot because he had to go back home. He and my sister-in-law were going over to the neighbor’s house for Christmas dinner.

Queen B left to go meet up with one of her friends and we ordered Chinese food for those of us remaining.

I sent Merry Christmas messages to my friends both near and far and got many back in return. Plus, I had a few video chats with the mobster and his Christmas guests.

It was a wonderful Christmas. I’m hoping next year will be equally wonderful. Maybe a little less food because we have so much left over. My mom and I both have said we are not cooking for several days.

Christmas 2020 is in the books. Time to start planning Christmas 2021.