Should Have

September 2015

I know this is a fruitless endeavor but I wanted to psychoanalyze my lying, cheating douchebag of an ex.

Here’s what I think.  He always sees himself as a victim. He doesn’t want to do anything difficult.  He is a coward of epic proportions.  That completely explains his behavior with his kids.  He gets to run off every weekend and hang out with kids that think he’s so wonderful because he’s putting on this big act and throwing money at them.  His own kids are pissed off and hate his guts right now.  Talk to Picasso or Rock Star?  They might say something mean to me!  That’s why he leaves shit in the mailbox for Rock Star instead of putting it on the island where he might encounter me and Picasso.  That’s why he didn’t call her back.  That’s why he only communicates with her through texting.  Hell, that’s why he couldn’t grow a pair and tell his fucking mother to stop communicating with his fucking whore when he was supposedly reconciling with me!  Wah- if I talk to her about this then that means I have to face the fact that I did a bad thing.  That makes me feel bad.  I don’t like feeling bad.  Let’s just move on and pretend this never happened.  Dammit, why can’t you just act like nothing happened?  Be friends with my mom and sister!  That makes life so much easier for ME!  That’s why he could never stand up for me and constantly threw me under the bus.  It was so much easier than taking a stand.  Fucking chicken shit!

He looks down on everyone else which is why the only people that really get along with him and think he’s fabulous are those who work under him.  With them he feels superior so he doesn’t have to be a know it all dickhead. He’s never had a boss that he likes; he only likes them once they are no longer his boss.  He thinks he’s always the smartest guy in the room and resents anyone being able to tell him what to do or thinking that they are actually, gasp, his boss!  He is surrounding himself with sycophants who tell him exactly what he wants to hear.  Oh, don’t you worry, honey, you deserve to fuck your cousin.  Your happiness is the only thing that matters.  Your wife was so mean to you.  She didn’t appreciate you.  Leave her!  You deserve so much more.

His whore is a complete downgrade.  She’s a manipulative, deceitful, gold digging whore.  She obviously doesn’t give a shit that she’s tearing apart a family, or that his kids hate him now and he may end up with absolutely no relationship with either of them.  I don’t believe she’s ever actually owned a home and she’s living in a dump right now. She’s been arrested at least 3 times.  She lies. She told Zack her husband had put her into bankruptcy three times because of his spending.  Turns out they declared once, when their business closed, and it’s her and her daughter who spend money like water. I suppose that explains her arrest for writing bad checks.  Seriously?  How many fucking bad checks do you need to write before they send your ass to jail?  She sends naked pictures to her neighbor.  She has cheated on her husband numerous times.  Zack is not her first rodeo.  And probably won’t be her last once she realizes he is not the money tree he is projecting himself to be.   She’s giving him all the ego stroking he desires.  He felt like he could never make me happy and we all know that he just can’t cope when things aren’t going his way.  But here is this gold digging whore and she tells him all the time how wonderful he is and how she loves him.  No, sweetie, she loves your money.  And once that’s gone, she will be, too. In the end I think he is able to feel superior to her.  He’s a knight in shining armor for her.  He comes in and saves the day and the poor little piece of white trash is oh so thankful for her sugar daddy who buys whatever she and her kids wants.  He was never my superior.  Ever.  He may have thought he was a time or two, but in the end he knew he wasn’t.  I was there when he lost his job and witnessed his humiliation.  I was there every time he lost his shit over some minor random crap.  He couldn’t be the big strong man because I already knew who and what he was.  With her he gets a redo.  And if he ends up living in a city three hours from her and only seeing her on the weekends, well that will be perfect because he can probably keep his act up a lot longer.

And what is with this bullshit of instantly falling in love with every fucking female you fuck?  I can understand falling in love with me. I’m awesome.  🙂  He was also single.  I was single.  There were no children involved.  No marriages to destroy.  Nobody got hurt when we got together and threw caution to the wind and married 7 months after meeting.  But this?  I already know that 2 years ago he had decided to leave me, was in love with her, and plotting to move all of us 2000 miles across the country for the dumb bitch after less than 2 weeks of her simply *telling* him how much she wanted to suck his dick.  I guess her trumped up sob stories gave him a stiffie. Now this time he’s gone even further.

I seriously believe he’s lost his damn mind.  Seriously.  How do you go from loving your wife of 20 years to fucking your cousin?  How do you decide almost overnight to start sending her thousands of dollars, sell off the rest of your stock, open up a checking account in her town, and start this new life with her and her kids when you’re still fucking married with 2 kids?  How do you do this when you’re still messing around with your wife twice a day?  I sometimes feel like he just made a preemptive strike.  Well, she’s not happy; I can never make her happy.  I know she’s going to leave me so I’m going to fuck my whore of a cousin and leave her first.

But you know what?  I’m going to be ok.  I’m going to be better than ok.  I should have left the first damn time.  I should have thrown all his damn clothes out the door and told the kids and divorced his lying, cheating ass the first time I discovered his lies.  I should have left when I discovered he was throwing me under the bus to everyone who would listen.  I should have left when I realized that he and the truth had stopped existing on the same plane.  I should have left when he resumed drinking.  I should have left when he refused to continue therapy.  So many bread crumbs that were showing me what was up but I hung in there.  I’m not a quitter!  I’m not going to be a statistic; I don’t want my kids growing up in a broken home.  I will never divorce if it’s up to me!  That’s me.  Loyal until the end.  Persevering even when I should have kicked his ass to the curb.

He won’t be able to keep this up.  His natural setting is misery and unhappiness.  He can keep up the act for a while, 6 months, maybe a year.  But eventually his true personality will come out.  Something will happen that will throw him off balance and once again he’ll be a simpering, whimpering mess.  She’ll find out he’s not much for helping out around the house, or watching kids, or having to help shoulder the load.  As my brother said about his potential move: That works out perfect for him.  He gets to be by himself all week, watching tv and talking to no one and then on the weekends he goes to see her and play the part of happy involved family man.

I think once we go to court and he realizes what he’s going to be paying in spousal support and child support and marital debt division he’s going to have a real awakening.  She might get a taste of the real Zack that very day.  Holy shit!  How am I going to do this?  I have to pay my future ex-wife anywhere between a large amount and an even larger amount per month.  I owe her money for her share of the stock I liquidated without her knowledge and I owe her even more for all the money I either gave to or spent on my whore and her kids.  She’s taking half of my 401k, and at the balance it was before I took out my loan, plus she gets half of my pension.  She’s putting me in charge of paying for the kids’ cell phones and their allowances.  I’ve got my whore’s cell phone and her daughter’s cell phone at $231.  I have a monthly payment for the loan I took out.  I have rent because she won’t let me live there anymore.  I need cable and I have to pay for utilities.

The second lawyer I talked to believes he will be assigned more than half of the marital debt.  He may be looking at a second job.  Good luck!  You still need to buy food, gas, Kodiak and wine. Just getting down to his home state each weekend runs him about $70 at least so $280 conservatively for the month.  He goes through 3-4 cans of Kodiak.  I think it might even be more than that.  …he goes through probably 3 boxes of wine at a minimum; those are $20 a pop so $60 easily on wine.  Per week.  If I am able to get the remainder of the amount of money we still need to pay for the pool and my car loan included in the marital debt he’s fucked! ….

He also doesn’t like being embarrassed.  Watch him go ballistic when his card is declined.  Oh, if that threw him off wait until he realizes everyone he works with knows he’s fucking his cousin.  I’ve been invited several times by his boss to attend church with them.  It would be a shame if I somehow let it slip that we were divorcing because of his affair with his cousin.  Oh, I thought you knew that with all of that time he was taking off.  Yeah, he’s been leaving every weekend to go play house with his cousin and her kids.  He has essentially abandoned his own kids.  He lives here in the house still because he refuses to move out but he hasn’t spoken face to face with his daughter since August and he’s had one conversation with his son where he was basically trying to defend his affair with his cousin.  Not to mention I have a friend who is very close to one of his co-workers and his wife.  She’s responsible for getting them together.  I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it just slips out inadvertently.  Ooops, sorry, I figured you knew!  Our pool contractor works with Zack’s boss’s best friend.  Oops, sorry, I thought you knew.  It’s a small town.  Zack may be popular with the people on the floor but I’m pretty sure that most everyone in the office thinks he’s a pompous ass.  Once they realize he’s fucking his cousin… or rather, once he realizes they know he’s cheating on his wife after moving his entire family across the country and fucking his cousin he will be mortified.  He whined and cried and begged me not to tell the kids the last time?  Oh, that’s nothing compared to when everyone realizes the great Zack X is fucking his whore of a cousin.

A Conversation With Rock Star

“Mom, do YOU think he’s crazy?”

I pause, giving great thought to this question my daughter has just asked.  She has already freely said she believes her dad is legitimately crazy.  She’s not a psychiatrist though so I’m not sure how much stock to put into her diagnosis.  After weighing my words carefully I give her my answer.

“No, I don’t think he’s crazy.  I think he’s living in a fantasy world.  I don’t know for certain where he’s working but I do know his big dream was to work side by side with his best friend.  He once told me he should have taken the job at Best Friend’s plant when Best Friend tried to get him to come work with him and that was one of his biggest regrets.  If I had to bet I would place money on the fact that Best Friend managed to get him a job at his company and they are now working together.  So he thinks he has his dream job and he thinks he has his dream woman.”

She turns up her nose at that comment.  I can’t say that I blame her.  But he does. I don’t tell her this part but he thinks that Harley and her performance are the real thing.  She loves him for who he is and she would never be with him for the money.  Oh no!  That was the evil, awful Sam who stuck around for the money.  Harley is going to be the perfect mate.  She’ll text him every time she takes a shit and let him know all about it.  She’ll tell him how handsome he is and coo over every little thing he does.  Best of all, every weekend it’s nonstop sex!

Here’s the thing.  I’m sure that for a period of time, maybe even a decent period of time, this will play out just fine.  He will live far enough away from her that he can’t live with her, thereby giving him four days to decompress and do whatever he wants.  Then for 3 days (2 1/2 if we want to be technical) he puts on his Dad of the Year/Companion of the Year mask and is all smiles and grand gestures.  When things start to bother him it’s time to return back to his home where he can chill in front of the television, drink some wine, and not have to deal with anyone.  He doesn’t have to help her get kids to activities.  He doesn’t have to help with homework.  He doesn’t have any of the daily grind you have when you actually live with someone day after day.  But eventually the newness will wear off.  It’s also quite possible that he will find out sooner, rather than later, that the love of his life is cheating on him.  Ouch! Again, not things I say out loud to her.

I do go on to tell her that I think eventually his perfect fantasy life is going to implode.  His best friend has switched companies quite a few times and I don’t see them staying at the same company, together, for another fifteen to twenty years.  I also don’t see Cousinfucker taking it too well when and if Best Friend becomes his boss.  I also don’t see Best Friend taking it too well if the situation was reversed.  I think they have this vision of what life is going to be like, them working together, and I don’t think reality is going to play out anywhere close to this dream of theirs.  They are two alpha males and I see them either clashing with one another, or them trying to take down their boss, which probably won’t go over well with him.  Even if my theory that he’s working with Best Friend is incorrect and he’s actually working somewhere completely different the same rules apply.  He will love it at first and then when he doesn’t get to dictate every single thing he’s going to begin pouting and decide he hates it.  Only now he’s stuck.

What I say to her in summation is that once the newness of his relationship wears off and he realizes what kind of a person Harley is, and once he realizes that working with Best Friend isn’t the dream he believes it will be, I think he is going to look back at everything he has given up- his wife of over 20 years, his two kids, a job that he’s held for more than 15 years, and he’s going to realize how severely he has screwed himself.

At this point in my “journey” I’m not sure if I’d rather see that day arrive and smirk knowingly, gleeful at his misery, or if I would prefer to truly not give a damn and just be able to shake my head and say, “Sucks to be you.”  Only time will tell, I suppose.

A Blitzkrieg of Love Bombs

I’m reading an awful lot about “love bombing” over on Chump Lady.  I love this woman!  What she says makes so much sense to me.  She’s probably not going to be your cup of tea if you want to reconcile but for those of us who are dumping the cheater… well, I can only speak for myself but I love her.

Anyway, one of the things she talks about is love bombing- basically, over the top attention, declarations of love, and moving the relationship along at the speed of light.

This would be CF.  We “met” on a Sunday.  We actually talked on the phone that first day. Twice.  We met for lunch on Monday.  I ended up coming back over to his apartment that night after he got off of work and ended up spending the night.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I don’t need a lecture.  It was twenty-one years ago; let it go!  He gave me a key to his apartment by Wednesday, I believe, and we were engaged on Saturday.  We were married 7 months, 1 week, and 2 days after our first phone call.  Additionally, I remember telling him shortly after we began dating that if I got pregnant I wouldn’t blame him for walking away.  He wouldn’t hear of it!  If I, a woman whom he had known for days, ended up pregnant, he wanted to marry me and be a father to this child.

What the hell was I thinking?  Truth be told, I wasn’t.  I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in five years.  I was beginning to think there was something really wrong with me.  He comes along and we hit it off.  He was ready for a serious relationship.  I was ready for a serious relationship.  Everything felt comfortable.  I thought that was what it was supposed to be like when you finally found “the one”.

I say that even though I learned in a class back in college that there are supposedly something like 20,000 people out in the world with whom you are compatible. He would get upset with me because I didn’t believe in “fate” or “destiny”.  He believed we would have met no matter what. Oh great!  So no matter what I was destined to be deceived by this lying cousinfucker!  Awesome!  That is some destiny I’ve got going for myself.

Now, I would like to think that the fact that we moved so quickly and managed to remain married for over twenty years might mean something.  But I know that it doesn’t.  He moves like this with everyone.  Maybe he figures once they really get to know him they won’t want him anymore.  Strike while the iron is hot, and all that.

His first go round with the whore started with him complimenting her and asking her how her life was going.  She, of course, played the poor pitiful victim.

“Oh, my life isn’t so rosy.”

“Oh no!  Tell me what is wrong.  I will fix it for you, my damsel in distress.”

“My marriage isn’t all that I thought it should be cracked up to be.”

“Oh no!  That describes my marriage, too.  My wife is an ogre.  She doesn’t understand me.  We’re nothing but roommates.  The spark has died and she only uses me as a handyman and a paycheck.”

“I can envision a future with you.”

Yep, within about 2 weeks of them “talking” they were going to get tattoos together and he was already talking about marrying her.  She made him happy.  Isn’t that special?  Yep, in two weeks he decided to ditch his wife of then 18 years, and his two kids for his cousin.  They were going to the chapel and they were going to get married.  They loved to talk about how life would be when they could truly be together.  How they would eat dinner together.  What their dream home would look like.  She had visions of consolidating her kids and my kids and turning their family into some weird version of the Brady Bunch.

Then I busted him and told him to get his head out of his ass.  Pick one of us and let the other go.  Good Lord I was stupid!  I should have said, “Welcome to your new life!  Enjoy your whore from 1800 miles away.”  But I didn’t.  I fought for him, for us, for our marriage and our family.  And he was all:  You’re my love.  My soul mate.  The one that has made life worth living.  She’s the biggest mistake of my life.  I love YOU!  I was just wishing she were you; when I was talking to her I was imagining that it was really you I was talking to, pouring my heart out, sharing my life.  You’re so beautiful.  You’re so fantastic.  You’re the greatest mom who has ever roamed the Earth.  I don’t deserve you.  You are my destiny.  I was put on this Earth to protect and serve you and our kids.  You are my rock.  You are a saint.

This was an actual text:

I will do anything for you.  Anything.  There is nothing I won’t do for you.  Please know that.  You are my life.  Above anything.  I love you to my core.  And I will do anything to make you happy.  There is nothing I can even imagine that I would not do for you.  Nothing.  My entire life is committed to your happiness.  Just ask.  Anything.  And I will do it.

Well, anything except stop fucking my cousin.  Let’s not get crazy here!  My entire life is committed to your happiness and I really, truly believe that me fucking a whore will make you all kinds of happy!  And if I can move you across the country and tear you away from everyone and everything you hold dear before abandoning you for my cousin then that will make you even happier!

And this one:

When I see you my heart races!!! I need that, baby.  I know it seems strange and is a pain, but I just love looking at you.

But now I love looking at her.

And my favorite:

I love you.  And I served for you.  To provide you with freedom.  And I would do it all over now that I have met my true love.  Now I know why I served.  It was to meet you.  Marry you.  And make babies with you.  You are my heart.  You are my soul.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you.

And by I love you, I mean I love you right now; that could change tomorrow.  Or once I move us across the country to be closer to my whore.  It’s hard to tell because love is so fleeting and even though I tell you now you’re my true love I could be wrong and my true love could be a whore that is related to me.

Yeah, endless amounts of bullshit.  I won’t lie.  It was nice getting all those compliments.  He told me in another text message that he would spend the rest of his life giving me compliments; we saw how that worked out.  In the end bullshit is bullshit, no matter how nicely you package it up.

I wish I could give you a timeline this time around, but I cannot.  All I know is his enabling mommy urged his whore to call him (because having your son’s whore call him up and check on him is always a good idea and never ends in disaster) and by June I believe he was sending her money and buying a cell phone for her and her daughter.  She may have come and visited him while the kids and I were out of town that month, but I’m not completely sure.  I do know that in July they met up and within 2-3 weeks of that hookup he cashed in his stock and was looking for a job out of state, away from his kids.  My guess would be that from the moment she called him they decided they were “destined” to be “soul mates”.  By golly, it was the Fate Fairy! I’m sure he’s now telling her that she is his love and that choosing me and dumping her like the trash she is was the biggest mistake of his life.  Probably tells her that he tried to turn me into her but no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t do it.

The conclusion I’ve come to is that he’s batshit crazy.  This is his MO. Why date when you can marry?  Swoop in and make her think she’s just the most incredible thing ever, because, of course, if he wants to marry her within seconds of meeting her (or sexting her), then she must be special.  It’s not every day you fall in love at first sight.  Unless you’re CF; then that is the norm.  As an added bonus, if she’s already agreed to marry you, or has potentially signed the marriage license, then it makes it that much harder to get out of it when the crazy starts to shine through.

And that I believe is the point.  They love bomb to catch you off guard.  Then they swoop in, marry you, and  BOOM- their real personality emerges.

CF was on his best behavior in those seven months we were engaged.  He visited family with me.  Went to parties.  Met my friends.  Cleaned and cooked.  Sure, he would tell me he was quirky and not very social when first meeting people.  But his actions never backed up his words.  He did meet people.  He did socialize.

Oh, he was also very anxious to start a family right away.  Fortunately, I had a nephew that was around a year old that I could borrow to show him that having babies right away was NOT something we wanted to do.

Once we married, he became a completely different person.  That’s not completely true.  He was delightful on the honeymoon.  But back at home once the dust settled he no longer saw a need to come with me to visit family.  I was fortunate enough to have 3 out of 4 grandparents until I was 30; I would go see them on Christmas Day while he stayed home because he didn’t want to go. When we made our first big move away (10 hours) he no longer came up with me for any part of Christmas; I would go by myself and stay for a week or two. He no longer helped clean, going so far as to say once that the reason I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. was because he made more money.  No longer could he manage to put his own clothes away after I had washed and folded them.  Couldn’t put a damn frozen pizza in the oven for himself.  I stupidly glossed over all of this.  My goal was to be the perfect wife, and if that meant being understanding when he chose to stay at home and I had to go to events all by myself, or putting that frozen pizza in the oven for my poor, helpless husband, or taking on all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, and cooking… why, that’s just what the perfect wife does.

I’ll be honest.  I don’t think this new one is going to put up with even a sixteenth of the bullshit I dealt with.  She doesn’t have it in her and there won’t be an incentive.  For his part, he may be able to keep that mask in place a little longer if they maintain their long distance love affair.  The logistics get kind of tricky when you’re still hundreds of miles apart, you live in different states, she’s got kids with another man who is not going to agree to let her move his kids away from him, and you’ve got spousal support and child support to pay so you can’t take any ol’ job.  Plus, your whore is kind of counting on you continuing to throw goodies her way so you can’t live like a pauper.  Next thing you know she’ll be sending naked pictures to other men.  Oops!  I would also add that he’s got 2 kids that he will leave behind if he chooses to move out of state but I think we all know he doesn’t give a shit about that little detail.  Hey, good luck to you both!  I think you’re going to need it. Bombs away!

The Whole Sad Story, Part 1.5

When we last left off our heroine was bravely throwing a party for her daughter and preparing to board an airplane a few days later to go to her step-father’s funeral.  Do my husband and his whore have perfect timing or what?

I truly believe he thought that once he said he chose me he figured that would be the end of it.  Unfortunately for him that’s not the way it worked out.  I had lots of questions and I had learned from my last go around that if you didn’t strike while the iron was hot you weren’t going to get any answers.  I spent a lot of time asking him questions about what all had gone on.  I also outlined several deal breakers for me.  1.  No contact with the whore.  I told him I didn’t care if her entire family died in a fiery explosion he wasn’t to so much as send a sympathy card. 2.  Marital counseling. 3. Give me all your passwords and get the damn passcode off your phone.  4.  Do not discuss our marital problems with your sister.  She was the person he would confide in and is a big proponent of doing whatever makes you happy.  I suppose that explains why she’s been married three times and never gets a divorce until she’s got the next husband waiting in the wings.  Her advice to him?  You deserve to be happy; you should do whatever makes you happy.  Now keep in mind he was gushing about how happy his whore was making him this entire time.

We spent a lot of time texting back and forth, especially while I was out of state.  I found out lots of interesting things, like how they had said they loved each other, how she suggested he move all of us closer to his home state (this is what led to him seeking his current place of employment), how she sent him naked pictures all summer long, how they talked about all the things they wanted to do with one another.  I found out they have almost nothing in common. She doesn’t like movies or television and my husband spends his life in front of the tv.  She’s a hard core liberal and he’s a hard core conservative.  Then again, they’re both lying cheaters so maybe that’s a common denominator that will keep them together.  I discovered that he would leave our house every morning and text her good morning and then they would talk the entire drive to work and text all day long.  I found out she told him every little mundane thing that went on in her little mundane world and that he liked that.  I discovered that on the weekends, when he was supposedly going for coffee, he was actually using that time to text her.  I found out that despite the fact his parents knew what happened they continued to associate with her and fawn over her numerous profile pictures.  I found out that within days of them beginning their affair she was telling him she could envision a future with him and that when he ended it with her she cried because she really thought he was going to leave me for her.  I found out she asked if my kids would like and get along with her kids, and if my kids would like her.  I discovered that when my daughter was taken to the ER he had told her he was going to the hospital and then updated her after the crisis was averted.  I found out that when her husband discovered their texts once again my husband asked her what she was going to do.  Her reply:  I’m not going to do anything.  I don’t care if he knows.

I should have known that recovery was not going to go well when we had our first counseling session and he got pissed because I told the counselor what had been going on.  He accused me of being “fucking perfect” on our drive home.  Mind you, he didn’t speak up or give his own version of the events.  Nope, just sat there.  When I asked him about it he said he was hoping that we could “focus on the future”.  I believe that’s code for:  Let’s just forget this ever happened.

Hell, I should have known recovery wasn’t going well when he sent me the text that supposedly ended it and it was a text FROM HER to him, telling him that they just couldn’t do this any more.  She was acting like the heroine from some low budget movie.  And his response revolved all around honor and duty.  “I need to be a better man!”  Fuck that!  I wanted him to tell the bitch it was over and that he loved his wife!  When I questioned him he admitted that yes, she had sent the text, but he had actually called her right after our conversation and ended it.  He told her that I knew and she asked what they were going to do.  He told her it was over and she began to cry.  Then he told her that he could never leave me and said good-bye.  That’s not really what I asked for, is it?  I even brought it up in counseling but at that point what could he do?  The counselor asked me if I wanted him to make contact with the whore.  Well, when you put it like that…. of course not!  But the fact remains I never got my text message where he ended it.  I was never given that satisfaction.

I should have known recovery was not going well when I got a little depressed a few weeks after D-Day and was asking him some more questions.  He was frustrated despite me telling him from the beginning that this might go on for a while and it wasn’t going to be an overnight fix.

I should have known recovery was not going to go well when he went back to visit his family in September and I began asking him more questions yet again.  Keep in mind his parents live about an hour away from the whore, so me even being amenable to him going there by himself was a sign of (misplaced) trust on my part.  He eventually turned it around into a “Woe is me” thing.  Yeah, poor poor baby, having to answer questions because you cheated on your wife.

It was around this time period that he brought up moving to our current location.  I have to hand it to him; he’s very good at playing the victim.  It began with “I know you don’t want to move.  I’ll just give up on this idea.  I’ll learn to be happy here.”  The middle involved him telling me that he thought he’d end up in a mental ward if he had to stay isolated out where we were.  It ended with me insisting that the goal was for all of us to be happy and the kids would adjust and I’d be happy wherever he was; we needed to do what was good for our future.

In October I came across messages between him and a relative from early May.  In them he was asking if he could bring a “guest” with him and went on to tell him that it was a female guest.  Went further to tell him that he couldn’t say much because he needed to protect “the innocent” but he would one day be related to her (in other words, he was going to marry the bitch as soon as he divorced his wife). That was when I found out she was going to get a tattoo with him- a symbol of their true love.

I refused to come home that night at first.  He was frantic and threatened to kill himself if I left him.  I did eventually come back that evening.

The next day he asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and I said I didn’t.  He acted all sad, and once again, like he was the victim.  I finally told him:  I didn’t understand at first why this upset me so much.  I knew the two of you had told each other you loved one another, so I couldn’t figure out why this gutted me.  But now I realize it’s because it was always serious with the two of you.  Pretty much from the first moment you two got involved it was serious.

What I was realizing was that this conversation was taking place within about 2 weeks after they began their affair.  Two weeks!  In two weeks time he had decided to throw away his wife and kids for a cousin who lives over a thousand miles away!  They love each other.  They’re planning a life together.  It was gut wrenching.

We talked about it a little bit more and that’s when I found out his first confession was false- there had never been multiple women.  It was always only her and he had told me there were three of them to protect her and make their relationship seem less serious.  He insisted that they had never met up and said that was proof right there that he wasn’t really that into her.  Obviously if he didn’t try harder to see her in person then he must not have really wanted to hook up.  He told me that she was the biggest mistake of his life, that he thought maybe she was a mid-life crisis and that he should have bought a motorcycle.  He told me he talked to her the way he wanted to be able to talk to me; in fact, he thought maybe he was using her as a replacement for me, his real true love.  He told me he had blocked her phone number on his phone.  And then he asked if we could not talk about this for a few days because it was causing him so much anxiety.

It was the last time we talked about his affair.

In the meantime we took a romantic vacation for his birthday (the first time we did that since we had had kids) and he did get the job that he wanted, which meant another cross country move that would take us mere hours away from her.  I kept an eye on her through social media.  The weekend that the kids and I were flying back from a weekend of house hunting I noticed that her husband had taken down his profile picture; it had been a picture of them on their wedding day and he had put it up right after she and CF had supposedly ended their affair.  She also was no longer listed as one of his friends.  That set off alarm bells but I pushed them away.  After all, my husband and I were happy.  We were happier than we had been in a long time.  We did date nights! We had taken a family vacation!  We had lots more sex!  We did everything together!  I even texted him all day long despite the fact that it always felt like he was replacing her with me.

The day that the movers came I had to run down and sign some papers and have them delivered back to my husband (he was already living in our new location while I was taking care of everything back at our old location).  Once he got the documents he told me his name was spelled wrong and they suggested that they only put his name on the deed and they’ll add mine later.  I lost my shit and came right out and asked him if he was planning on divorcing me once we got to the new location.  “Oh my God, why would you ask that?  I’m crying now!”  I called him up and told him it looked like she and her husband were in the midst of a divorce and it was a little too much of a coincidence that she and her husband were divorcing just as we were moving closer.  At this point he told me he gave less than a fuck what *that* person was doing.  He had no idea what she was doing and he didn’t care.  He told me he would have the documents sent to me again and we would have to do it all over again.  I believed him. Turns out they could use the documents I signed after all; my name was put on the deed.

During the time leading up to me and the kids leaving I gave him a few outs.  I remember telling him once:  When I get out there I’m not leaving.

For his part he told me he was constantly worried that I was going to tell him I wasn’t coming out there.  I would visit but I wasn’t moving. In hindsight I wish I had taken that advice.

We moved.  Things seemed to be going great. We bought furniture for the house.  I decorated.  I got a new car. The kids finally got a new trampoline.  Then sometime after our anniversary and the holidays he began a downward spiral.  At first I thought it was due to a movie that had come out that was triggering bad memories.  I saw a text message where he told his sister that he never should have tried to be happy and that I hated him.

I found more text messages over the next few months.  He would tell his sister I hated him; he flat out lied about a hospital stay and how I had written that he was annoying me and wasting my time.  She begged him to leave me and told him I was crazy and wrong and that he deserved so much better.  He told his best friend that I hadn’t checked on him all day, that I just left him upstairs to cry by himself.  He knew I hated him and I probably just stayed for the money.

Where was all this coming from?  It turns out his “best friend” found my other Facebook page, a page with no friends on it that I used as a blog to write about my feelings regarding his whore, his affair, and his family who chose her over me.  He let my drama queen husband know all about it and would feed him information.  This is the same man who, if I didn’t like a gift he bought for me, would consider it a personal affront and proof positive that he was the worst person in the world, so why on earth this “friend” would tell him about it is beyond me.  I suppose he figured they were roommates during college so he knew him much better than I possibly could after twenty years of marriage despite the fact that they had only seen each other a handful of times over the years.  For the record, a good 90% of what was on that page was pictures of her, making fun of her, memes, talking about the betrayal I felt over his family not cutting ties with her, and other such innocuous stuff.  Maybe 10% was about our relationship and not even all of that was negative.  Our anniversary would trigger me and I would write about how sad I was and how I felt like our anniversary was fake.  Nothing about him or what a horrible person he was or how much I hated him.  Just me having a hard time dealing with our anniversary.  Apparently I’m not allowed to feel that way.  My bad!

To make matters worse all during this time he wouldn’t talk to me about what was bothering him.   Like I said, he began this downward spiral around the holidays and I didn’t discover for another 6-8 weeks that he had read my page. For my part once I realized what had happened I shut the page down immediately.  I had no idea how to bring it up because I never felt like there was a good time.  Either he was so depressed and pitiful and I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound, or he was finally having somewhat of a good day and I didn’t want to bring him down.

He finally seemed to be headed on the road to recovery (probably had started up with the whore again). I remember telling friends I was done with his affair.  I didn’t want to think about it anymore.  I didn’t want to dwell on it.  I no longer cared about her or what she was doing.  I didn’t even regularly read the infidelity blogs that I had bookmarked.  We were good.  We were in a good place and I was ready to move on.  Things were looking up and I was eager to get back to our new location and to resuming my life there.  All thoughts of the affair and the whore were over.  I was more positive than I had been in a long time since our move.

Maybe I should have been more concerned when he blew off our family vacation to go on a “business” trip and then opted to go visit his mom at the end of that trip.