Oh Sam, You Poor Deluded Idiot

July 2015

Things are a little better, I suppose.  I go up and sit with him while he’s home for lunch.  He’s going to his reunion with Blockhead.  Without me.  And he’s talking about going to visit him in a few weeks.  Again, without me.

He thinks he’s impotent.  I don’t know if I should feel grateful because then he’s not fooling around, or if that’s just an excuse and he needs an explanation for being repulsed by me. It was the excuse he needed to remain “faithful” to his whore.

We’ve messed around some and joked around some and that makes me feel better, but my gut just keeps screaming. Listen to that gut, Sam!

I did notice he left his phone on the arm of the chair when he went to go take his medicine so maybe he’s not as guarded about his phone as I believe.

I’m debating calling his mom and seeing if she knows anything.  Probably wouldn’t tell me if she did. Hell no she wouldn’t! She was pushing for this. She called Harley and urged her to call her precious son because he was so sad.

I’m just so sad.  I feel overwhelmed.  I was feeling good about coming back to BFE.  I was feeling good about me and Zack and our relationship.  I was pretty much done with anything having to do with infidelity.  I was done with her.  And now this.

I wonder if it would do any good to start at the very beginning and tell him I know that Blockhead told him about my Facebook page.  Tell him I read the emails between him and Jezebel.  Flat out ask him what the hell is going on now.  I’m exhausted anymore.  I’ve been back for 6 days and I’m exhausted.  And I’m nauseous most of the time and constantly looking for clues that things are going to be ok.

He skipped another therapy session.  Hadn’t wanted to go anyway and then said he would but at lunch said last time inventory took until 6 so maybe it would be best to cancel. But remember, I was dismissive of his worsening symptoms. That’s probably why he canceled.

And can I just say I’m getting a little irritated?  He can’t go to Florida with me.  He can’t even come and sit out on the damn enclosed porch.  He’s spent 3 months saying we need to get another door for our screened in porch and it hasn’t happened.  But he can drive 6 hours to see his mom.  Alone.  And he can drive probably 8 hours to go see Blockhead.  Alone.  And he can drive 6 hours to go to his reunion.  Again, alone.  He can’t do jack shit with me or with the kids, but he can get in a car and drive off alone and do whatever…. or whomever. He was fucking Harley. He drove to fuck his cousin. Period. And you were busy spackling like a good little wife.

Present Day Sam Says: I re-read these entries and it makes me so sad. And so mad. He played me for such a fool. I was an absolute idiot. I spackled and buried my head in the sand. I didn’t want to believe it. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that my husband of 20 years could move across the country, buy a new house, a new car, new furniture and put a pool that cost the equivalent of many people’s yearly salary in our backyard and then turn around and fuck a whore. Seriously- who does that?

As I said way back at the beginning of this blog, why the hell couldn’t he have given me the two years I needed to get past what he had done the first time?

Sam, you know the reason.

Yes, because that’s not who he is. It’s all about him. It’s all about being easy and convenient. He wasn’t willing to do the hard work. He wasn’t going to be inconvenienced. He was entitled. He didn’t like feeling bad. He didn’t like discussing his faults and his shortcomings. Let’s focus on the future. Forget about my affair. Focus on other things. Like what you can do to prevent me from cheating.

We never really stood a chance. I knew from experience that once he was done with something, once he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. You couldn’t sweeten the pot and make him change course. That’s why I was so surprised when he “chose” me the first time around. I honestly believed he would never end things with her and stay with me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was all a ruse. He would tell me what he needed to tell me and get his ducks all lined up. Then he could hone in for the kill.

I think we were doomed from the very minute he decided sexting with other women was a viable option. Because of who he is there would be no recovering from that. His mind was made up. I was old news. I was on my way out, no matter what. I think at some level I knew that. That’s why I always prefaced my comments with, “if”. It’s why I never fully rekindled relationships with the in-laws.

Why Would You Need To Sleep With Your Phone?

July 2015

He slept with his phone yesterday.  Said it was because the dogs kept knocking it down and he didn’t want to miss his mom’s call.  Then this morning I noticed the cord running to the chair where he always sits.  I thought it was in the chair with him but he’s actually putting it in his pocket.  He’s remote although he says the drive took a lot out of him and his boss was asking him a million questions yesterday.  I know he’s been talking to Blockhead because he told me this morning that they may go to their reunion.  I am either going to put my phone in his car on record or I’m buying a voice activated recorder to see if he’s talking to anyone on his way to work.  I know that won’t rule out everyone cheering him on to leave me but it might possibly eliminate my suspicions that he’s having another affair.  I wish I didn’t think like this but my gut is screaming at me that something is wrong.  He’s acting like he did back then.  And hell, his drive is only 10 minutes so maybe he wouldn’t even bother with calling and talking on such a short drive.

You wanna know the crazy part?  There are times I blame myself.  If I hadn’t used a public FB page as my own personal blog he wouldn’t be like this.  His other sister said he was so excited about this move, that it was a fresh start. I’m guessing that Blockhead stumbled across the page in December.  And everything has been downhill since. So I take that on as my own cross to bear.  I should have made everything private or friends only.  I could still have used it as my own personal blog but no one would have seen.  I could have made her pictures public and anything about her public and everything else private.  Despite the fact that he cheated and lied I’m the one feeling guilty and like if I had just done things differently then everything would be ok.  Sometimes I feel like it even extends to his family as well.  Not having a relationship with Jezebel causes him stress.  If I would just forget about all the things she’s done and how she helped to stab me in the back then everything would be ok.  And I know that’s faulty thinking.  He’s got to bear some responsibility in this.

At this point my mindset is this: He is not going to uproot his entire family and move us across the country so that he can leave me.  We will work through this because divorce is not an option.  Things are finally looking up in Whoreville and I really don’t need this shit. Maybe once my mom and everyone leaves on Thursday we’ll have a conversation about why he’s been acting so weird.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, honey, he was willing to uproot his entire family and move them across the country so that he could leave you. He was willing to put a brand new inground pool in your backyard to throw you off his scent. He was willing to lie and cheat. He’s an evil, rotten bastard and you would do well to remember that.


Ya Think?

July 2015

I think he may be cheating again.  He wasn’t very excited to see me.  Maybe I’m paranoid.  Maybe it was him needing to calm down after the drive.  But I swear he was texting someone and he was openly lying about it, telling me it was email or Words With Friends. And just for shits and grins I debated going through his phone only I can’t find it.  He’s sleeping in the recliner.  I looked on the window seat which is where he normally puts it but it’s not there.  I think he must have put it in his lap because I don’t see it in his hands.  Why on earth would he feel the need to keep his phone from me???

I can’t read him.  One minute he’s acting like he wants to get into my pants and then he pulls something like this.  If he is cheating again I swear to God I will nail him.  I’m finally getting to the point where I’m no longer thinking about his affair all the time and I may be right back in the thick of it.

Present Day Sam Says: Yep, he was definitely cheating. You could read him just fine, Sam; the problem is you didn’t want to face the truth.

Interesting tidbit: After the affair was revealed and everyone knew we were getting a divorce my nephew, who is slightly older than Picasso, said he knew something wasn’t right with Uncle CF. He told my mom that when he looked into his eyes he could just tell. He didn’t know what was up but he knew something was. His eyes were vacant, soulless, like a shark. He took to calling him the vile creature.

The $172 Tire Charged in Whore Town

July 2015

Why can’t I have a relaxing vacation?  No stress?  No freak outs?  We had donuts for breakfast and headed to the beach for a few hours.  Had lunch at one of Mom’s favorite restaurants.  I texted Zack this morning to see if he was already on the road.  Nope, the mechanics supposedly couldn’t get the machine working so he’s staying an extra day.  Then he’s heading onto his home state.  Sound familiar?  I’m going to go see my mom.  Of course you are!  So I suck that up and tell him I’m fine with it; she’s his mom and of course it’s all fine.  Next, because we’re going to go shopping I check our account balance.  First, he sent another $50 to his mom.  It’s not enough that he sent $500 2 days ago.  Nope, need to send another $50.  Oh, and I did ask him what emergency had befallen them this month.  They didn’t ask for it.  He just knows they’re struggling and he doesn’t think his niece and her boyfriend are going to make it and he seems like a good kid and she’s pregnant and what can he do?  He can’t watch his mom struggle. So, there goes another $50 and on top of that I see a charge for $172 at Walmart in fucking Whore Town, His Home State!  What.the.fuck? I flat out asked him, “What did you spend $172 on in Whore Town, Your Home State?”  He tells me it must be tires for his mom. “Are you in your home state already?”  He says no.  He gave her the credit card information because she said there was something wrong with the new van they got.  He doesn’t know why it showed as Whore Town because it was supposed to be in another town.  And he’ll get the rest replaced when he’s there on Saturday.  Excellent! So you’ve sent $550 in the last 2 fucking days and then you’re going to turn around and spend God only knows how much on 4 new tires.  And I’m sure he’ll buy other shit as well while he’s there.  If he’s not already there.  I find that to be way too convenient. For all I know Harley has left her husband and is encountering money problems and he spent the damn money on her.  And I hate feeling like that. Will I ever trust him when it comes to things like this?  A year ago he was adoring me.  I felt like he was truly gaga over me.  Now I’m not so sure and I sometimes wonder if I did it to myself with the FB page.  His other sister told me he was so excited about the move and felt it would be a fresh start.  Then Blockhead told him about the page and how I didn’t know if I could celebrate another anniversary, how tough our anniversary is for me, how I didn’t love the gift and all those other great things.  Then he went into a tailspin and things just haven’t been the same.  I am beginning to wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I don’t want it to be but I’m not sure I can stop it either.

So, I retaliated with some revenge shopping.  Bought Picasso a couple of shirts and a pair of tennis shoes.  I bought myself a new Coach purse even though I just got a Kate Spade a few days ago.  Bought one for Rock Star, too, because every 15 year old girl needs a freaking Coach purse.  And wallet.  It’s a little strappy thing so she can use it as a stand alone purse, too.  Plus we both got some new clothes. Hey, if we can feed every fucking member of his family then I’ll buy whatever I want for myself and my kids.  If we can afford over $800 in the last few days to give his mom then the sky’s the limit!  And you know, it amazes me that no one ever says, “Zack, no!  You’ve got a family to feed.  You’ve already given us $500.  We’ll be fine. We can buy our own tires.”  No, once again it’s an unlimited ATM.  He could give them $500 every week and they’d still come back and want more.  As my mom pointed out:  Wasn’t it enough when they basically stole all his money while he was fighting over in Iraq?  Wasn’t it enough when he gave her a credit card in his name which almost cost us our house in OB?  Nope!  It’s never enough. I’m about at the point where I’m ready to suggest he just hand over his entire check to them.  Or maybe he could ask them for all their bills and we can cover them and then all the money coming into them they can use to splurge on.  I guess I’ll go back to Whoreville and get a job so I can afford to do things for my kids since all of our disposable income is going back to his home state.  Hey, how much a month is the whore coughing up for them?  Nothing?  Wow- shocker! By the time this weekend is finished we will have contributed $2000 in just under 2 months.  And he wants to pay their cell phone bill.  Hell, why not?  We’re made of money.

Maybe it’s a non-issue and he’s planning on leaving me.  Maybe he’s already in his home state fucking Harley.  I really don’t know.  That’s the worst part.  My instincts failed me so miserably 2 years ago and now I’m hyper vigilant.  Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Why?

Present Day Sam Says: Oh, Sam, sweetie. Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Because he’s in his home state fucking the whore.  Your instincts weren’t failing you; you just didn’t want to believe.


Keep Sticking Your Head In the Sand


July 2015

Another day at the beach.  I can’t tell if I’m getting tan or burnt.  Bubba Gump’s for lunch.  It was good.  Then we dropped Mom’s tv off at Best Buy, took the girls to the shopping center, and then went to the Donut Hole for donuts for tomorrow.

I’ve been having a horrible time getting ahold of Zack.  He just now finally texted me back.  Says he’s been busy. And now he’s off to dinner with some people from work- customers.  I told him I loved him and only 3 more days til I got to see him but he said nothing.  I sent him some pictures and he told me I was “so fucking hot”.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  I hope everything is ok.

Oh, another highlight: Jezebel is in Florida.  Spending a few days on the beach by herself supposedly and then she’s off to see her in-laws.  Funny, isn’t it, that she is able to visit her in-laws on a rather consistent basis while she never has time to visit her much missed, much loved brother.  Oh, and I know it’s all my fault.  She can’t visit because I’m so mean and I don’t want her around. Never mind she’s only been to whatever city we’ve ever lived in 7 times in 21 years.  Never mind the last time she visited us was in 2002 when Picasso was a baby.  Never mind that we lived in YYY state for an additional FOUR YEARS after she last visited, so it’s not like she can say it was so far away.  Never mind she never once in almost 8 years came to see us in our former state. No, it’s all because I’m so mean.  Nothing at all to do with her own choices.  Of course not!

Well, I’m going to try to focus on the last few days of this vacation.  I need to call our pool contractor tomorrow to find out when he thinks the pool will be done so Zack can get the money wired to our account. Spend some time with my nieces and nephew and my kids.  Just hang back and relax and have a good time.


Oh No He Didn’t! Oh, Yes He Did!

Gather round, folks. I’ve got some rather juicy gossip to share. Mr. Bullshit is at it again and in rare form. What else is new, right?

I’m going to start with the biggest news first. I don’t know if I mentioned this before or not but CF had two different 401k plans. My attorney had the larger one frozen when he stopped working and we filed for a show-cause hearing. The smaller one I thought was valued at around $5000 but it turns out it was actually valued at over $10,000. Great news, right?

Wrong. It seems the judge was not clear enough. When he froze the larger 401k the shit eating chimp apparently believed he still had carte blanche to dip into any other marital assets not specifically named. Which he did. He emptied the entire 401k. He had a payout of just over $8000.

The best part? He did this in January, approximately two weeks before our show-cause hearing where his lawyer fell upon her sword for her client who chose not to attend, and pleaded for his support to be modified because her client wasn’t working, had no money and was completely supported by his girlfriend.

I was working two jobs, getting up at 3:20 am, taking care of two kids, working 6 days a week, and running myself ragged while that selfish bastard had eight grand in his fucking bank account. No doubt he had to pay for some lavish vacation or some fun item the whore or her kids wanted.

In other news, as expected he is claiming that I have kept the kids away from him. I have “severely restricted” his access and he has the sadz because of this.

That lying sonofabitch! Why would you even tell a lie that can be so easily disproven? Here’s a follow up question. In order to keep them away from him wouldn’t he have actually have had to try to see them? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Rock Star hangs up on his mother after confronting her dad upon learning of the affair and impending divorce. She’s crying. Neither of them call or text her to check up on her. Six months living in the same house as them and he doesn’t have a conversation with either of them aside from letting his son know we drifted apart after having kids. Not one damn invitation to dinner, lunch, breakfast, a movie, a walk around the block. His daughter confronts him on his whore posting about missing him from her bed and when finally realizing the dumb bitch has done exactly that he doesn’t offer up apologies. Oh hell no! Instead he whines about how he feels like a piece of furniture in our house and no one will talk to him. He starves while we all eat! Asshole walks right by his daughter, out the door and off to work and then off to a brand new life in a brand new state. He drives 12 hours round trip every weekend for six months to go fuck a whore but he can’t be bothered to drive one weekend to see his kids in more than 18 months. They are out of sight, out of mind. He doesn’t call or visit and rarely texts. When he does it’s generally about himself. But by all means let’s blame the deteriorated relationship on me.

Even better was his claim that we separated in part, not due to his affair with his cousin, but because I was mentally abusive, manipulative, and dismissive of his worsening symptoms of PTSD. I don’t even know where to begin with that bullshit.

Yes, I do. Let’s start with the obvious. I am the one that tried for years to get him help. I begged him to see someone and to get medicated for his social anxiety. After a health care provider that we both really liked swore by EMDR therapy I found a therapist who specialized in that. In fact, I’m pretty sure we used the same therapist. If not the exact one then the same practice. He went twice and then quit. I sat in an empty ER room with him for hours while waiting for him to be admitted to a psych ward when he said he was feeling suicidal, a claim he now refutes. I visited every single day during visiting hours. My mother and brother both drove hundreds of miles to come be with him. When he refused to make his follow up appointment with a psychiatrist I was the one who assured him the doctor wouldn’t commit him again. I went with him to the appointment. I’m the one who found another EMDR therapist. He wouldn’t go at first. When he finally decided to get help I was the one who called and made the appointment. Again, I went with him to every appointment. When I was no longer there to accompany him (because the kids and I were out visiting friends and family- a trip I told him I would cancel and had specifically asked the therapist if I should cancel) he canceled the appointments. Eventually he decided to stop counseling altogether saying he preferred to just be medicated. Yep, that’s the cold hearted bitch I am.

And manipulative? Oh my God! I was the one who was manipulated!

“Oh, honey, btw, if you see some wire transfers pay no attention to them. I’ve been giving my mom money for groceries. And that $500 charge was so they could fix their van in order to sell it.”

“I was thinking of getting Mom and Pastor Fake cell phones for her birthday. They’ve got pay as you go phones and I want them to have something nice and dependable.”

“I don’t write a check to Mom because this app on my phone makes it so convenient to just wire the funds to her.” Uh-huh. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I would be able to see who the money was really going to if you wrote out a check.

“Why don’t you add your mom and stepdad onto my phone? I can put up to seven lines on it. I’ve got plenty.”  And then he replies that he gets a discount through work.

“I don’t know why there is a charge at Walmart in Whore Town. I gave my mom my card number so she could buy a tire for her van.”

Hell, we moved 2000 miles across the country, away from our lives, because he manipulated the situation from his first affair. He put those wheels in motion from the moment they began messing around.

Can I remind everyone again about the time he told me he was visiting Blockhead and my mom trailed him to the whore’s house? It was on that trip that he was trying to get me to send him naked pictures. Nice!

Oh, and surprise, surprise! He’s having problems driving once again! Wow! He could drive in the rain, on a train, in a box and with a fox when he was using our home as an extended stay hotel and going to fuck his whore cousin. I still remember texting him around 3, asking him if he was on his way home and he replied that he was going to wait until around 8 pm because he wanted to “challenge” himself.

My mom, of course, thinks he’s laying the groundwork for not being able to show up for court. Fine by me!

This next tidbit is nothing but pure gossip. He is reportedly living with his fiancé, Harley the whore, and her two children.

Two? I thought she had four? Apparently, she has lost two of them. I’m assuming one of them is living with The Saint. Her daughter just graduated so she may be off to college, out on her own, or, like her younger sibling, living with dad.

All I can say is I started off at the beginning of this affair and discard with two children. I still have them both.

Finally, he reportedly needs help with the aforementioned driving, dining out, visiting friends and family, and yard work. Oh, Harley, I guess you won’t need to worry your little whore head about bringing your big strong man a cool drink while he mows the lawn. Looks like you’re going to be the one mowing the yard. Hey, maybe he’ll bring you a Pepsi.

He also claims to be unable to go to entertainment or amusement facilities.

Wow- what a dreamboat! Do you all see what I am missing out on? I’ll be honest. I think probably a good 99% of what he’s claiming is total bullshit but imagine if you will that it’s all true. Harley really hit the jackpot, didn’t she? She got him and I’m stuck with a guy that wants to go kayaking with me, wants to take me to a professional baseball game, to concerts, to the beach, to wineries and to see his home state and visit all his favorite places there.

Oh, I almost forgot. His list of stressors include engaging in an affair, separation/divorce, financial problems, starting a new job, and an engagement.

Is it me or does it seem tacky to be engaged before you’re divorced?

And can I just point out that I was accused of spending every penny he had while we were married. He had nothing to show for all the money he made. Nothing, I say! Yet his bills were paid, his house wasn’t foreclosed on, and his children had everything they needed and most of what they wanted. Now he and the whore bring home $1000 more per month than he was bringing home individually. He’s no longer paying over $1000 in joint marital debt. So how in the hell are they struggling financially? How is that possible when I was the source of everything that was wrong in his life? I’m flummoxed! Hey, at least he’s got that eight grand from the 401k, plus the additional money he withdrew from the larger 401k, right?

Harley, you wanted him. Now you’ve got him- all of him and all of his problems- financial, mental, and physical. Live it up! Tell us again how you’re so happy and you are so blessed. Enjoy those trips and shopping sprees while you can because he’s almost out of funds.

It sure sounds like the bloom is off the rose. Now the question is will they even make it down the rose petal covered aisle? Or will they marry and then divorce? So many pools to start…

Why Are You Sending Your Mom $500 Again?

July 2015

Well, today is filling up with drama.  But first I’ll catch up on what’s been going on the past few days.  Kinda chilling.

We did go to the water park on Sunday and had crab legs for dinner.  Yum!  Yesterday we went to the beach.  Had tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. Then went to the outlet mall to shop.  I got a cute Kate Spade purse and wallet.  $240 total.  Today we went to, surprise! the beach and then to Margaritaville for lunch.  It was overhyped I think.  We had to wait to be seated, the place wasn’t air conditioned; instead they had it completely open and relied on the breeze to cool you off.  It was quite expensive-  almost $75 for the lunch alone, plus I spent another $18+ on drinks while waiting.

I checked our checking account to see if any other bills had come through.  I get my little notifications for how much is in the account but I’ve had it happen where I think I have x amount and I end up having y amount because other things have come in that morning.  Thankfully, all of my purchases from yesterday came through.  But there’s also another $500 donation to my in-laws.

I’m trying to figure out why this bothers me so much because normally I would be very giving.  And I know it’s not like we’re completely struggling.  I’m curious as to what in the hell is going on that they needed $500.  I swear, if I read another post from the niece’s boyfriend to hear about their stupid fucking aquarium I think my head will explode and I’ll end up replying, “Hey, here’s an idea!  Instead of spending God only knows how much on your fucking fish why not use that money to feed yourselves so that I no longer have to!”

I just keep coming back to the fact that we can’t support them at this level forever.  We just can’t.  We’ve got a kid who is going to start college in another 3 years.  She’s not going to qualify for any financial aid so we better start saving some money now!

He sent: $100 on June 8, $500 on June 10 (to fix the car), $100 on June 16, $50 on June 22, $50 on July 3, $200 on July 8, $50 on July 13 and $500 on July 21.  Plus $149 in Western Union charges. $1550 in 6 weeks.  Good to know we’re replacing Rock Star’s gymnastics with keeping everyone in fucking his home state fed. No, Sam; he replaced Rock Star’s gymnastics with supporting a whore and her kids.

OK, we’re all doing fine.  No one is going without.  I would like to know why on earth he sent $500 and I’d also like to know how long we’re going to be doing this.  It gets ridiculous after a while.  If you don’t have the fucking money to feed your granddaughter and her baby daddy then you don’t feed them!  If you don’t have the money to splurge on your great granddaughter or buy her diapers and/or formula you don’t fucking do it!  You don’t spend money you don’t have and then turn around and give a sad song to your son so that he sends money to you and you can treat everyone around you!  I know I’m being a bitch.  I really do.  But I just have to wonder how far this is going to go.  You want to send $200-$400 a month their way, fine, do it.  But I would suggest sending a check instead of racking up additional fees. Now, Sam, if he had sent a check the gig would have been up. You would have known he was giving marital assets away to Harley. You wouldn’t have been in the dark any longer. That’s no fun! Playing you for a fool is fun!  And I would tell them, “This is what I have to send you. I’ll send $400 a month.  If you blow it all on 2 people who should be supporting themselves then that’s on you.  I don’t want to hear about how you’re going hungry because you knew what you had coming in.”  I guess that’s what I worry about.  They think it’s a free for all ATM.  Spend whatever you want because Zack will just continue to send more.  Not to mention they still associate with the whore.

And I’m still not completely convinced that he hasn’t taken back up with her.  She’s posting crap about supporting vets with PTSD.  Posting more inspirational quotes on her page.  And he’s not acting like he’s crazy about me anymore.  He’s hard to get ahold of, supposedly napping.  Doesn’t tell me he loves me like he used to.  He’s either screwing around with her again or Blockhead or Jezebel has convinced him to distance himself from me and leave me when the kids are grown.

Present Day Sam Says:  Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!  CheaterBoy is cheating again!

Hang On, Folks; It’s Going To Be a Bumpy Ride

I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. Honestly.

I’m heading out of Arby’s this afternoon, food in hand, when I see I’ve received an email from my lawyer and her assistant. Uh-oh. That can’t be good.

The shit eating chimp and his complicit lawyer are asking for documentation of my expenses. Yes, the lying liar who lies and who has been lying for 2 fucking years or more is asking for me to verify the expenses I’ve outlined. Well guess what, cousinfucker? I’ve got receipts coming out of my ass. That’s how I arrived at the expenses I did. In fact, in some cases I actually cut you a break, you dumb sonofabitch.

Rock Star’s competitive cheer is extremely expensive considering I have to make up all the payments from June-September, minus $120/month. I’m paying $278 a month for the regular month and paying $158/month for the months she missed. I also am paying $450 for the uniform, a $500 deposit fee, and a $40 registration fee. I took the total and divided it by 12 months because the season runs all year long. I don’t actually have 12 months to pay. I have 8. So guess what? Now I’m going to ask for actual monthly fees and not an average. Suck on that!

He’s got joint credit cards that he’s never paid on listed as part of his expenses, along with the damn mortgage for our foreclosed on house!

So now I’m in the process of trying to get 2 year old statements from a closed account from the bank to prove that I have nothing to hide. My lawyer even said he was being a jerk and that he’s further victimizing me. She said, and I quote, “It’s him further victimizing you and making your life hard, and he is an idiot for doing so. He should be busting his ass in the opposite direction.”

I also now have to try to get back statements from credit cards that haven’t been paid in over a year to show that he has not been paying them.

Here comes the fun part. After more than 30 minutes on the phone with my bank I find out that I can’t get the statements from the closed joint account because… Cousinfucker changed the address on the account to his whore’s address. So they can copy them and put them in the mail but they’ll be sent to the whore’s house. Isn’t that fun?

Yeah, remember last spring when I wrote about how he kept trying to change the damn address on my accounts? I kept changing it back but finally after he lost his job I figured, “Why bother?” Well, now we know why.

I’m sure it will be a similar situation with the two credit card companies. One is through the same bank. I’m pretty sure that anything that has both of us listed is automatically going to the whore’s old house. When he moved and left his forwarding address anything that said Cousinfucker and Sam was forwarded to him so I’m sure I’ll run into the exact same scenario with the second card; he’s been receiving the bill since he left back in February of 2016 and yet claims he had no clue how to pay it because he didn’t have the information.

Needless to say, that sent me into a tizzy. Most of a lunch hour wasted on bullshit and then finding out I can’t get what I need to clear my name.

Then after a rather pleasant evening out with a friend who was celebrating her birthday I open up yet another email. Cousinfucker and his lawyer have filed a motion wanting the date of separation to be declared in August or September, instead of February. That’s not all. I was pretty much expecting that. No, the real irony is that Cousinfucker once again begins talking about the money I transferred over from checking and savings into the account in my name only. He is claiming that he paid all marital debts and expenses and that I used that money for my own purposes.

That lying, cousin fucking piece of shit! I am not the one out there buying iPhones for a whore and her kid. I am not the one having my husband unknowingly pay said cell phone bill for the whore and the kid. I am not the one buying engagement rings or puppies or moving into brand new expensive houses. I was buying food and clothing and pet supplies. I wasn’t sending thousands of dollars to my boyfriend and trying to impress kids that weren’t mine. I didn’t authorize a $300 dress for a fucking school dance or over $400 in new sporting equipment, all for kids that weren’t mine. I didn’t take weekend trips with a lover or even take my own damn kids on a luxury vacation with that money. I was a fucking stay at home mom for the past 15 years. Our kids had just been ripped away from everything they loved in their previous life and now, a year later, they’re finding out their parents are getting a divorce. He cut me off financially; he did not give a shit that he gave me enough to pay the bills and that was it. There wasn’t enough money left over for groceries, much less gas for the car, food for the pets, or anything for the kids. I guess he figured I would go out and get some high paying job in a week or two and be on my feet in no time. Fuck the kids. Fuck the kids that already had a tsunami destroy their lives. Now let’s add taking their mother away from them. Let’s toss in making them quit all their after school activities because mom now works and can’t pick up the kids after school; she also has no fucking support network because, oh that’s right, the cousin fucking nitwit moved her 2000 miles across the country and away from her friends who acted as a support network.

I don’t know why his actions enrage me so much. I expected this on some level. But to see in print that I used that money for my own purposes just galls me. He is the only one that has been misappropriating funds. He has been misappropriating funds from the very beginning. The jackass blew through approximately thirty thousand dollars in four months time and not a single bit of that was on marital debts or the marital household. It was all on shit for the whore and her kids. But yes, by all means ask me to explain myself, you giant shitbird! Ask me to verify that I am telling the truth even though I’m not the one who lied and cheated. Oh, and while you’re at it change the fucking address to every statement I need so that you can effectively tie my hands behind my back and I can’t prove you are the liar and I am the one telling the truth.

I swear to God it reminds me of our marriage. I run around doing all the work while he sits back and does nothing. I’m the one trying to get bank and credit card statements from the banks. I’m the one verifying and proving and paying for all this shit! Oh! That reminds me. That’s another thing they would like proof of- my actual legal fees because they are essentially calling me a liar and saying they don’t believe my legal fees are what they actually are. Yep, that’s the kind of thing I’d lie about. My lawyer would willingly lie for me. Riiiight. Refer back to the previous paragraph, asshole. Maybe if you didn’t change the fucking address on all of our fucking shared bills I wouldn’t have to issue subpoenas for everything I need, thereby saving on, you know, lawyer fees! You dumb, cocksucking, cousin fucking sonofabitch!

Why isn’t he jumping through hoops? Why am I the one subpoenaing all the damn records? Oh, that’s right. My lawyer says it makes me look transparent and like I have nothing to hide. I don’t have anything to hide!

He’s sitting back, chilling with the whore and new whore family, not a care in the world. I don’t think his lawyer has done the legwork on anything. She just requests copies from what my lawyer has subpoenaed. Meanwhile, I’m spending my one free hour during the day calling around trying to get crap done and placing frantic phone calls to my lawyer’s office. That seems like the way it should be, doesn’t it?

The fire of a thousand suns, I tell you. I absolutely detest that man. I cannot wait for this shit show to be over.




That Lowdown Dirty Bastard

July 2015

Money, money, money.  Zack said he’s got plenty of stock to cash in so even with the price tumbling we would be fine.  So, I decided to go with the stamped concrete after all. I was feeling guilty and then Zack let me in on a little secret.  He’s been sending his mom money for about a month to help them with groceries. $50 here, $100 there. No, the real secret he was keeping was that he was trying to support a whore and her four kids.  Surprise! Makes it sound like no big deal.  Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look up just how much he’s sent.  Over $1000 if you include the wire transfer fees.  $500 of that was to fix the van which had taken a crap and they needed to fix it before they could turn it in. Another big lie from him. That money went to the whore, not his mom.  Another $500 for groceries, I guess. No, another $500 for the whore and her daughter. New daddy is a big spender and needs to impress his new fake kids!  We never sent the check for his niece’s rent so he figured he would just give his mom money to help pay for groceries since they’re always feeding the two of them. Then today I ask him about this letter from Verizon which was approving him for a phone.  Oh, he’s getting a phone for them and paying the bill. No! Another lie! He bought phones for the whore and her daughter. The sonofabitch let me get online and pay the damn bill for him- and them.  And he justifies it by saying we help my niece and will probably help my other niece and we’re paying my mom’s cell phone bill.  Yeah, but my mom’s cell phone bill is $75/month.  I send my niece a care package once a month or less and the total cost of it is generally less than $100.  Once I simply sent her a check for $25, I believe.  I send her boxes of oatmeal and an occasional piece of clothing.  Sometimes she gets lucky and she gets $25 gift cards to Papa John’s or Chipotle.  I’m NOT sending her $1000 a month and then turning around and paying her cell phone bill. I don’t know why it bothers me because I was fully on board with paying for his niece’s rent for 2 months. Come on, Sam! Sending your niece a care package is exactly the same as him spending thousands on a whore and her kids to impress them!  And I’ve never had a problem sending Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye money before. And, most importantly, we do have it, at least right now.  But I don’t want to end up being dirt poor once he retires because we never saved up anything because we were too busy supporting every member of our family. Well here’s where you got lucky, Sam. You ended up dirt poor before retirement when he spent the next two years financially raping you and continuing to live the life of a bachelor with no children, no debts, no nothing. Just endless freedom and tons of money.

I guess maybe part of it is he never really discussed it with me.  He just did it. Yes, it’s kind of funny how he didn’t discuss his mistress cousin and his desire to support her and raise her lifestyle substantially with you. It’s not like you would have, you know, objected or anything.  And then there’s the fact that if his niece and her boyfriend are old enough to have babies then they should be old enough to support them.  You don’t tell people you can’t pay your electric bill or afford diapers that fit your baby because you don’t have money and then turn around and trade in a perfectly good (paid for) car for a truck payment.  You don’t cry poverty while you continue to buy cigarettes and fish for your aquarium.  If you’ve got money to smoke then you’ve got money to buy food.  If you can’t do both then you should quit.  And you sure as shit don’t turn around and get your girlfriend pregnant again!

It’s a never ending circle.  You can’t tell his niece and her boyfriend to get their shit together because “they’re adults and you can’t tell me what to do!”  You could tell Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to deliver the same message but the fact of the matter is they will never stop helping them even if they don’t have it to give. So, you could threaten to cut them off if they continue to feed them but it wouldn’t do any good.

I’d like to know where their parents are? They’re not orphans!  Would it kill her father to give her $100 for diapers and formula once in a while?  It’s not like he and his ex did it all on their own when she was a baby.

Oh, and where is Harley?  She’s oh so invested in Zack’s family.  Is she sending money to Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to help them?  Is she offering to buy diapers for the baby?  No, I don’t think so.  She’s just busy gushing over everyone and telling them how much she loves them. Sam, sweetie, Harley is busy taking all of this money!  None of it was going to the niece or Tammy Faye.  It was going to Harley.  That’s where she is.  She’s promising to ride your husband’s dick and robbing you blind.

And where’s Jezebel?  They’ve got the money to remodel the kitchen and buy endless amounts of hunting gear.  They can afford to run off on vacation every time you turn around. Is she helping them out? Or is she focused on her own self?

I realize that if I were counseling someone with this problem I would tell them to concentrate on what they were doing and not to worry about what other’s might be doing or not doing. It doesn’t really matter if Harley or Jezebel are helping.  You don’t do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing.  I would probably also tell them to ask themselves if they are losing out on anything.  Are they or their children going hungry or without?  If not, and you can afford it, then do the nice thing.  It can be frustrating supporting people that should be supporting themselves but in the end I try to remember it’s about being a good person. That is called spackling and eating endless shit sandwiches. Yep, I convinced myself I was a good person and it was the right thing to do- helping his mom out. In reality the shit eating chimp was robbing us blind and probably getting a boner while doing so.

I suppose we’ll reevaluate in a little while.  I don’t think we’re going to be able to keep this up when Rock Star goes away to college so he needs to be preparing his mom and Pastor Fake for that.  We can’t send them $500/month and pay their cell phone bill and send our daughter to college.  And no, we’re not going to have her sacrifice her higher education because you’ve made disastrous decisions throughout your lifetime. Oh Sam, you silly silly little woman. Your daughter’s higher education was tossed aside for a whore and her children. Her father didn’t even blink.

Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know!

Also in the negative column, Zack had another panic attack. I doubt he’s going to go to Florida with us. Hell, if he doesn’t pull it together soon he may end up losing his job.  Once his therapist gets back they are going to have to go full steam ahead with this EMDR therapy.  I feel bad because I won’t be here the following week and I think he won’t either because he’s been talking about having to go out of state for work during that week we’re gone. Wow! He is really really good at this lying shit, isn’t he? How convenient that he can’t go to Florida with us on our family vacation! How convenient that he is suddenly working out of town. And once again I’m feeling bad and like I’m letting him down while he’s making plans to fuck his whore cousin.

Let’s just pray everything works out and he finally gets fixed.  It’s really starting to affect the kids.  Rock Star would like her father to be present and she doesn’t feel that he is.  Picasso needs a strong role model and Zack is busy hiding in his room.  I’m pretty much at the point where I’m ready to hire everything out and just accept the fact that he will never be a companion to me.  I love him but after 21 years with him I think that’s just not enough.  He’ll never be whole.  The sad part is I think that during his time with Harley he was whole; he was happy.  It was probably all the fantasy aspect of it; reality wasn’t a part of their relationship.  Nonetheless, that’s what he could be and I’ll never be enough to bring that out in him. Sadly, there are still times I believe that to be true. I just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the right person. 20+ years together, 2 kids, numerous moves across the country, starting my life over again and again to help him advance his career… and I wasn’t the right person. The whore is.

Funny isn’t it that Jezebel tells him he deserves so much better than me?  I think I deserve a husband that wants to be a partner.  I deserve a husband that wants to be a companion.  I deserve a husband that wants to share life with me and not sit up in his room drinking all the time.  I deserve a husband to laugh with and do things with and to help me raise our family. That was one of the few moments of clarity you had, Sam; too bad you didn’t run with that and get the hell out. I don’t get any of that.  I am so hoping that these meds work and that his mood changes around.  I’m hoping that this therapy helps because I don’t know how much more I have in me.  I feel myself pulling away; I feel us drifting apart.  And I feel myself beginning to sink in that dark hole again.  I will do my best to focus on the good, focus on the beauty, but I can’t make promises.

Two Months Before D-Day

Right about now I’m preparing for my divorce. I need to get stuff together so between work, kids, and the mobster I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m going to be leaving you with a few Blasts From the Past until I can get caught up on everything I need to do for the big D! I hope you enjoy reading about my last few crazy months with CF before I found out he was fucking around with the whore yet again. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride! 

These next few entries are from when the kids and I were back out west visiting friends. You know, since he moved us 2000 miles across the country for his dream job. 

June 2015

…. We went to the reservoir today and tonight we went to the dollar theater and saw Cinderella, which was pretty good. It has been nice being busy and hanging around friends again.
Zack is sick again. He said he had a massive anxiety attack last night and spent about 4 hours curled up in the shower and then he went in to work and threw up multiple times so he came home and spent the day at home. I hope he’s not drinking again. My mom said I should call Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to see if they would go and spend a few days with him.
Speaking of them, the whore put up her new picture again and this time around my FIL liked the picture. Thanks! But, in my new state of grace and forgiveness and looking on the positive side of everything I am not dwelling on it and in fact, I may end up seeing if they will be around on the 29th and if they are seeing if we can stay the night with them on our way back. I think that is remarkably big of me. I also changed my MIL’s contact picture on my phone to one of our trees so I don’t have to look at Harley’s ugly face every time she calls. His nephew, Jezebel and Pastor Fake still have Whore’s picture as their contact picture though.
I am also rarely reading any of the infidelity blogs. I just have no desire to. I did briefly look at Not Hate’s today.
Lately I’ve just been unable to think about affairs or any of that stuff. I just don’t have the time or patience for it. I’d like to put it all behind me and not have to think about it. I really am trying to focus on the positives and find good in everything. I’m crossing my fingers that Zack will soon be back on the road to recovery, although he’s taken a detour while I’m away.
He missed his appointment with his therapist last Wednesday and then decided to hold off on meeting until I come back. I’m going to have to make sure he does make his appointment with his psychiatrist on the 30th. I’m not sure I’ll be back by the time of his appointment and he can’t go around canceling those. It takes forever to get on the schedule.

Present Day Sam Says: Wasn’t I a busy little spackler? Spackle, spackle, spackle! It’s all going to be wonderful. He’s going to get better and we’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing bothers me anymore. Where are those shit sandwiches? They sure do look yummy! May I have more, please?

I don’t know when they started up again. I do know the first money transfer took place in June. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that he was an anxious mess because he was finally taking that step to leave me and his kids. Of course that assumes he has a conscience and I’m not sure he ever had one. All I know for certain is that I was still doing my best to get him help so that we could be a family and live a happy life and he was throwing it all away.