Getting Through the Anti-versaries

May 2015

Nothing much to say, I suppose.  I could make stuff up.  I got my hair done today.  We’re replacing the air conditioning unit and getting a new humidifier.  Hooray for that!  Now maybe I won’t shock myself next winter!

Yesterday marked the 2 year anti-versry of Zack “confessing” to texting various women.  Actually, it marks the 2 year anti-versary of him being forced to admit he had been texting Harley.

It’s strange how our lives coincide.  My wedding anniversary is in December.  Her wedding anniversary is in December.  My birthday is the same day of the month as her wedding anniversary.  My birthday is at the end of one month.  Her birthday is the end of the following month.  I met Zack at the beginning of May; their affair began right around the same time that our relationship started.  He asked me to marry him on May 7th.  He told his nephew he was going to marry her on May 9th.  He half-heartedly confessed his affair on May 11th.

It takes a lot to stay focused during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all summer, basically, because that’s when it all began.  April through August I have to try to disregard any notice of the significance.  Hell, the day after our daughter’s birthday is the day the bitch basically said:  I’m fucking your husband!  And then I can relax until October, which is when I discovered him telling his nephew he was going to marry his whore.  Then I have about another month before our anniversary comes up and I deal with all sorts of triggers with that.  I’m hoping that this year all is good.

I do want to get to that point where we celebrate our anniversary as a victory.  A celebration of all the years of our marriage, not just the blissfully happy ones.  I want to be happy.  I want to be content.  I see some of these women on blogs who are so angry years later and I don’t want to be that.  If the affair is still causing you significant pain and unhappiness 3, 4, 5 years later (in some cases even more), then maybe it’s time to move on.  For my part I don’t read the infidelity blogs much anymore.  I deliberately pass right over them most days.  It helps, I’m sure, that so many of my favorites don’t write much anymore.  That’s the rub.  They write to heal and once they’re healed there is no need to write…

I feel like I have mostly let go of it.  Today I even gave thought to wishing him a happy anniversary on FB this year. I don’t know if that will happen or not but I consider it progress.

Obviously, I am in a situation where the OW won’t go away and die but I try not to think about her too much.  I think about her affair with my husband even less.  I am trying to keep the crazy hidden and look on the positive side.  It doesn’t always work but I am trying and that should count for something.

I guess I’m done for today.  Or for now.

Present Day Sam Says: I feel compelled to point out that when he originally confessed to texting with various women he really was texting various women. He was a male whore. A serial sexter!

I find it sad how much I wanted to believe the lies I was telling myself. It’s going to get better. We’re going to get through this. I need to trust him. I’m evolving. I’m thinking of it less and less. I’m making progress.

You know, marriage shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t be dealing with all that crap. If you are, your marriage is probably already over. Call it! Time of death- May 2015.

 

My Bitch List, Part 14

Part 14 will conclude the Airing of the Grievances. If you’ve been following along on my blog for a while now these will probably, once again, be repeats but I wanted to put them in a neat, tidy list!

• He moved out of the state after moving us 2000 miles away from our lives. On top of that he didn’t even bother to tell his children that he moved. He didn’t tell them he moved out of the house, much less that he moved out of the fucking state!
• He also resigned from his job of 15 years.
• He told people I not only threw away all of his clothes, but also that I tossed them into garbage bags and threw them in the trash. They were all hanging in the damn guest room closet! He lived in that room for 5 months. He knew they were there. The rest of his clothes, the ones in the dressers, were still sitting there. They’re *still* sitting there. He knew that, too, seeing as how he came into my room to grab them.
• He insists upon telling people that I threw everything associated with him away. I’m guessing he’s talking about pictures. Not true. They’re all either in drawers or sitting on the floor up against the wall. It’s not like he has to dig around in the attic to find them!
• He’s telling people I made him move. He told his daughter he had no choice and told his sister that I made him leave his home and his kids AND that I wouldn’t allow him to take anything from the house with him. Again, not true. He merely had to pay rent.
• After driving to see his whore every single weekend from August-February (a 6 hour drive one way) once he moved he actually expected our daughter to drive to see him. Yes, he wanted a brand new driver to get on the highway/toll road, drive 70 mph and make a 7 hour trip to see him because he couldn’t be bothered to drive to see her and her brother.
• He angrily told our son, “Why don’t you read the court document and stop listening to everything you’re told?” when he asked about their allowances. That would be the same son he tried to justify his affair to by telling him we hadn’t been happy since having kids.
• Now he’s telling our daughter he has no money because he has to pay off all the credit cards that I ran up.
• Found out he had another emotional/sexting affair. Sonofabitch! And once again he lied like a rug about it when confronted. He told me she was a stalker, someone he had tried to help but then she ended up becoming inappropriate with him. Liar!
• Tried to get his daughter to play into his pity party when she didn’t recognize him on Memorial Day. Told her she knew it was the worst day of the year for him, every year. She replied that the worst day of her life was finding out her dad was cheating on her mom. His response? I’m sorry about that but your mom never loved me. So I guess that makes it okay to cheat? Ever heard of divorcing BEFORE you find your next wife?
• He resigned from his new job, checked into a psych ward and told me he wasn’t going to be sending me anymore money which forced his daughter to switch schools her junior year of high school. Twenty-one years of listening to him bitch about how he hated switching schools all the time when he was younger for what? At least he never had to switch high schools. It also forced us to move, yet again, over 600 miles away and move in with my mom. My kids have had to leave all of their new friends behind. My daughter has had to give up being the captain of the gymnastics team and probably the captain of the cheerleading team, as well. She has resigned herself to simply going to school and working. Hooray!
• He moved us the first time, wrecking any chance she had of getting a gymnastics scholarship because there were no gyms close by. Now he has wrecked any chance of her getting a cheerleading scholarship because none of the damn schools up here have competitive cheer. He has also completely taken gymnastics away from her. It’s done. There are no teams at the high schools and it was way too expensive to send her to a private club. Thanks, Dad! Hey, can you get your whore to come tell me what a great father you are again? I’d love to punch her in her fucking face right about the time she finished up with, “He’s such a good dad!” BAM! Shut your fucking mouth, whore!
• Thanks to this new move, my daughter has to start all over with a learner’s permit. I spent $200 on nothing.
• Shit Face can’t be bothered to contact his own kids but has no problems posing on FB with his fake son.
• Despite the fact that he isn’t divorced and despite the fact that he was having an affair he has a picture of the whore and him together as his profile picture and lists his status as “in a relationship” with the whore.

Hopefully there will not be a part 15. Hopefully he will stay out of my life and out of my sight and I will never have cause to create another list about the dumb/insensitive/nasty/disrespectful/selfish things he’s done.

Was This Another Sexting Buddy?

 

August 2014

Sonofabitch! I had a whole post and this stupid thing ate it!

There is a girl, or rather a woman, I suppose who works at the former plant and who continues to text Zack. I will call her Daniella for this Blast From the Past. On the surface if seems fairly innocent. I first saw texts from her when I went through his phone. She was talking about work and then veered off into her plans for the weekend, or maybe the holiday. At the time I was thinking there was no need for her to share that with him, and there was certainly no need for him to encourage her. I believe she mentioned something about going to a bbq and he responded, “Atta girl,” or something similar. I do remember thinking, “Oh hell no! There is no need for this.” But I feel awkward every time I go through his phone, like it’s proof I don’t trust him. I don’t want him to feel badly.

Then today he tells me she sent him a text that starts out, “This place sucks!” And pretty much bitching about how things are being done now. And again I’m thinking, “Oh hell no!” There is simply no reason for this.

The way I see it it’s about boundaries. You set boundaries so you don’t have to worry about seemingly innocent things- words, gestures, text messages- being taken the wrong way and leading to something else. That’s how it usually starts. She talks to him about work, she mentions her plans for the weekend. Oh that sounds like fun. Well, if you hadn’t moved 2000 miles away you could join me. Me? I’m a married man; my wife wouldn’t like that. Oh, I wouldn’t tell. I’m looking for something with no strings attached. And BOOM! He finds himself in divorce court, his kids hate him, and I move back to our old state, or possibly my home state. With the kids. Or, she complains about her personal life, he listens and gives advice, he complains about me, she sympathizes and assures him she would never be like that. They become one another’s confidant and before you know it they believe they’re madly in love and have found their true soul mate.

I suppose he gave me an opening. The next time he mentions Daniella I’m going to tell him I don’t approve. Or more to the point I do not like it. I may even bring it up before he mentions her again.

I think I’m a little bit crazy. I was just imaging our conversation and I went from rational to insane in about 30 seconds. This is my part in my imaginary conversation: Why is she still texting you? (We’re co-workers. It’s just about work.) You don’t work with her anymore. You’re no longer her boss. I’m sure if I had worked with a man out in our old city and he kept texting me you wouldn’t like it. (It’s no big deal. It’s about work!) No, it’s not; I’ve seen those texts. You were asking her about her weekend. Telling her Atta girl when she told you what she was up to. It’s none of your business what she does in her free time. Why do you even care? Hey, I’ve got an idea since you’re so concerned about her. Why don’t you get her a job at the plant out here and that way you can see her and watch over her every single day. Then you can start fucking her and then you can divorce my ass and you can listen to your precious little Daniella tell you all about every fucking move she makes every fucking second of the day!” See? I told you I was crazy.

That Time I Should Have Said, “No Way!” To Moving

June 2014

I’m only going to go down this road once. I haven’t talked to Zack yet and told him about her impending divorce. Because, let’s face it, I don’t KNOW with 100% certainty that that is a fact. Definitely high odds but not 100%- maybe 90-95%. But, I remember a year ago when I ignored all the signs and always came up with a bullshit excuse for why each thing was happening. I’m not going to do that this time.

The fact is my husband has been an emotional mess for months now. That could be just the way he is. Not an outrageous conclusion. It could be that he’s under a tremendous amount of stress carrying on an affair with his whore once again while also selling a house, moving closer to her, starting a new job, keeping me in the dark even as we look for houses, and realizing that even if his kids are close by they probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.

Another fact is that just as we’re moving 2000 miles across the country, a mere 6 hours from her, it looks like she and her husband are moving towards a divorce. Coincidence? I’d like to believe so. But I also wanted to believe it was a coincidence she blocked me from Facebook the day after Zack came home and found pictures of her all around the house. Oh, the explanations I came up with- maybe they’d still been in contact but now that he knew I knew he called it off and she blocked me in a fit of anger. Maybe it was an odd coincidence. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe they were fooling around still and he simply shared with her that her pictures were all over his house. Maybe he thought perhaps I suspected something. Maybe she blocked me because they were still fucking around and he told her about it and she wanted me to know that she was still present in my life, that he refused to give her up. BINGO!

She’s growing her hair longer. He likes long hair. I’ve kept cutting mine so that I don’t look like her.

I have a few positive signs. They don’t mean much in the end because I realize he was able to successfully lie to me for months last year. He tells me he loves me, like really loves me. He tells me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how much he wants me. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me and I’m so wonderful and he’s nothing. He says he worries that I won’t move to our new state. That one can easily be explained by the kids. No momma means no kids. In short, he says all the right things. He makes me believe he realizes what a mistake he made and how grateful he is for a second chance. Makes me believe I’m the one and he’s madly in love with me. He’s even agreed to go to Florida with us.

His mom seems intent on re-establishing a relationship with me. Why would she do that if she knew I was history? But then again, she didn’t know before and she may not know now.

I didn’t see anything incriminating on his phone when I checked last time but surely he’s smart enough to delete that crap and any references to it. It looked like a perfectly innocent conversation with his sister. She did say they hadn’t been in contact so he’s not confiding any affair to her. I thought when he said his mess was self made he was referring to his past affair and how it influenced things today. But maybe his self made problems involve his on again affair with Harley. And there are other options besides mobile texting. SnapChat is perfect for that. The text or picture deletes itself in a few seconds.

My gut is not screaming like it did last year, but I’m not sure that means anything. I find it highly suspicious that she is getting divorced just as we are moving closer, which was part of their master plan. Move him closer. They have more chances to be together. I don’t know if he ever planned on leaving me to be with her.

On one hand I can’t deny what he told his nephew. On the other hand he says he never planned on divorcing me, that was all talk and it was all stupid fantasy. I think he wants to believe that now. But back then, in the heat of it all, I think he did want to leave and marry her. He might not have had it planned out, might not have been sure on how to a accomplish it, but I think he wanted to.

I guess the question now is how do you go from her being your soul mate, the one who makes you happy and you want to marry, to no, you’re the one I’ve always loved? I was stupid and wrong and it was all a big fantasy.

I’m sure the conversation won’t be easy. He’s going to feel like I can never trust him. Oh well, you cheat on your wife and that’s what happens. Maybe I’ll even be reigniting old passions. But, I’ve got to do it. Like I said, I ignored my instincts the last time. Ignored all warning signs. I’m not going to do that this time.

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Added two days later: I hate the fact that whenever a lot of time goes by and he hasn’t texted me I wonder if it’s because he’s busy texting her. I hate being even a little bit suspicious.

Present Day Sam Says: What I discovered when I talked to The Saint was that she was having another affair at this point. She is delightful, isn’t she?

A Year Ago Today (Or Rather Back in 2014)

The title is misleading. It’s referring to a date in May. This is August. However, I am just going in order with these and so far I am only up to entries from May of 2014. Enjoy!

Blast From the Past 40

May 2014

A year ago today my husband told me he had been texting other women. Lying to protect his precious whore. Acting like there were many and she was nothing special. A year ago today, the moment he admitted he knew one of them and he said her name I knew she was trouble. A year ago today my life began a downward spiral and it would end with me finding out my husband either continued his tawdry little affair, or searched her out again after a short period of time because “he missed her”. It would end with me finding out he had been lying to me for 3 1/2 months and that they really really liked each other, and they had talked of a future together and they told each other they loved one another. Eventually I would find out he bragged about marrying the bitch whore. It ended with me realizing how disloyal my husband’s family could be, even after almost 19 years of marriage, and with me distancing myself from his family. We may be doing better as a couple, but my relationship with his family will never be repaired. There are just some things you never recover from, and it’s too bad they don’t realize that until it’s too late. A year ago today he cried and told me he didn’t want a divorce. And then went behind my back soon after and started up with her again. A year ago today really sucked.

Present Day Sam Says:  Dear Sam, Just FYI, August 2015 is really going to suck hard, too! And you can pretty much write off the entire summer of 2016. Love, Future Sam

Mistakes Made On D-Day #1 (or #2)

Blast From the Past 24

March 2014

It’s very difficult to find blogs that deal with emotional affairs. Most of them focus on physical affairs. I have found one though, written by a couple, and it’s amazing how many times I’ll read something and think, “That’s exactly the way I feel!” So anyway I came across a few entries talking about mistakes made upon discovering an affair and tough love. It makes me think about what happened when I found out the first and second time, and what happened in between.

When he “confessed” the first time I was simply stunned. It came out of nowhere. I was so stupid and naive. He cried and promised he wouldn’t have anymore contact with any of them anymore. I had no idea that he was pretty much lying when he said he had been texting multiple women but I was smart enough to realize Harley was a problem because he actually knew her. He wasn’t texting multiple women; the others he was referring to were people he corresponded with on a public message board. Editor’s Note:  I now know that’s not true.  There was at least one other person he sexted with and he probably was sexting with two other women like he originally said. Maybe more. He was texting Harley. It was extremely serious. They were declaring their love for one another and talking about marriage. He tried making it sound like she was one of many and that it was no big deal. I never had the guts to ask what they were texting about. I stupidly believed it was over because he said it was. And I figured I would never get answers to my questions. Even when I felt like something was off, like when she was liking his picture on Jezebel’s page, or when she was liking the sentiment of “don’t worry about doing the right thing; do what makes you happy,” or when she was posting all of her inspirational crap on her own page that just screamed, “I’m waiting patiently to steal your husband!”, I still didn’t put the pieces together. He came back and her picture was all over the house and everything was picked up and the very next day she blocked me. I must have suspected something but I kept hiding my head in the sand. But I never had to be told to back off and let the affair play out because I honestly didn’t realize he was still involved with her, and I sure as Hell didn’t know how serious it was.

After I confronted him in June and he told me he didn’t know if he still loved me and threatened me with divorce if things didn’t go back to the way they had been (and I guess part of that would have been continuing his affair) and I kept pushing for changes I figured that maybe he had been in contact with her up until he came home to her picture up all over the house. I honestly could believe she blocked me because he had finally called it off and she was mad. How stupid of me! But I never questioned him. I never pressed for answers. I never brought her up. But again, it wasn’t difficult because I had no idea in my oblivion that they were still carrying on their affair. I was focused on not pressuring him, yet showing him I loved him, and trying hard to reconnect and strengthen our marriage.

My second D-Day changed all that. I was confronted by her husband who was telling me it was still going on. At that point I didn’t even know if it had ever ended. And I had a birthday party to throw. That was the day I put tough love into play. I was FURIOUS! I learned from my past mistakes and this time I demanded answers. I wasn’t going to pussyfoot around this time. You tell me everything and you tell me NOW! I don’t care how badly it hurts; I want answers. I faced everything head on and I told him to end it NOW! I asked him how long he thought I was going to put up with this and told him I deserved to be happy, too; I deserved to be with someone who loved me and wasn’t stringing me along. I told him to get his head out of his ass and to make a choice because I was done.

That was the day he finally ended it. And I sincerely believe it was because I truly was done and he knew it. I wasn’t putting up with anymore of it for one more second. You want to keep fucking around with Harley? You think she’s the love of your life, your soul mate? That’s fine. Then you get out of my house and leave me alone and you go to her. There will be no more of me taking care of you and doing my damnedest to meet your needs while you get your ego stroked by her. Pick one. And if you pick her you better remember neither I nor your children will be here. She’s going to have to meet ALL of your needs now. I was dying inside. I kept thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to get a divorce. He’s going to leave me for her.” I had no idea how it was all going to play out; I just knew I couldn’t deal with the status quo any longer. I couldn’t walk around on eggshells. I couldn’t continue to live in a marriage where I wasn’t loved and didn’t know if he was going to leave me once our youngest graduated high school or college, or once we moved closer to her. I think maybe the biggest difference was that this time I knew he was involved with someone else. I don’t know if I would have tried so hard if I knew he was still texting Harley, and certainly not if I knew they were saying I love you and talking about marriage. Before I thought we had simply lost our way and needed to find each other, rediscover being a couple. I didn’t know there was someone else. Maybe I didn’t want to know. But once I was confronted with hard evidence that there was someone else I said oh Hell no! I’m not sitting on the sidelines while you fuck around with your whore. You can have her or you can have me, but you can’t have both!

I think that was the shock he needed. He saw me pissed. He saw me fighting for us but also not willing to be a doormat. Suddenly life with Harley was no longer a secret fantasy; it could become a reality and then she would be in the position of no longer being fantasy woman but a real life wife. All that talk and all those dreams would be put to the test. Now they both would have to live up to all those promises they’d been making to one another. Their relationship would no longer be a secret; it would be out in the open and put up to scrutiny from family, friends, co-workers, and their children. If they were unhappy it would no longer be because of their horrible spouses; it would be because of themselves. During their affair I’m sure they only showed their good side to one another. Once I was out of the picture Harley would now have to deal with all his quirks. And he would have to deal with all of hers.

I suppose the fact I was leaving for a week also helped because he experienced what it would be like without me and the kids. He says he feared I wouldn’t come back. In several texts I told him to go be with her. When he confessed to telling her he loved her I told him I didn’t know if I could do this. When I found his old message to his nephew I told him to book a flight and go find her and be with her. I think (hope) he realizes there will be no more second chances. Tough love, baby; tough love!

 

Found Another One, Part 1

Note:  This is my 100th entry!  I was going to do a separate post but I think this one is rather appropriate for this milestone.

“Do you think he’s done this before?”

That was a question my mom asked me when I told her about Zack and his affair with Harley.

My response at the time was I didn’t see how. He wasn’t a social person.  He wasn’t like some of the people you hear about who always had an excuse for why they weren’t home- golfing, drinks with the guys, boys only weekends, etc.  He went to work and came home.  He didn’t travel frequently for business- maybe once every two-four months, and usually only  a day or two. Usually it wasn’t even that much.  He had an annual business meeting that lasted for about 5 days but he always came back talking about everything that went on there. He was a homebody, holed up in the bedroom watching television and working on genealogy charts. Hell, he didn’t even like socializing with our friends.

I remember getting ready to leave for a friend’s 40th surprise birthday party.  Zack worked with the man, I was friends with his wife, and our daughters were friends as well.  At the last minute, after he had gotten ready, he began pouting.  “I don’t want to go to this.  I’m not even supposed to socialize with everyone there because I’m their boss and I could get fired for that!”  Fucking drama queen!  I had had enough at that point and I was going, dammit!  I told the pouting little princess he could sit his ass at home.  “Don’t go then!”  I went and when people asked me where Zack was I would reply, “He’s at home.”  “Oh.  What’s wrong with him?” would usually be the followup question.  “Ask him yourself on Monday,” was my response.  I had had it; I was done making excuses for his shitty, anti-social behavior.

Oh!  Sudden memory block removed.  That’s probably yet another reason he’s given for cheating on me.  I didn’t support him and offer up excuses for his shitty behavior.  Sorry.  Back to the scheduled entry.

Anyway, when my mom asked me that I, again, replied that I didn’t think he had cheated with anyone else.  Didn’t see when he could have found the time or opportunity.  No, he found real love with Harley.  She made him happy several years ago and by golly he was going to reclaim that happiness with his exit affair.

It’s funny how your mind works, though.  After my little dustup with him last week a memory popped into my head.  I cannot remember for the life of me when this happened but I do remember exactly where I was.  I was in our master bathroom, and we were both getting ready.  I’m fairly sure I was wearing a robe and he was either naked, or almost naked, getting ready to get in the shower.

I had received a friend request from a woman probably several weeks prior.  Upon checking out her profile I saw she was from the same area as one of my cousins so I figured she was a friend of hers.  I accepted the friend request.  Now, several weeks later I’m getting this strange message from her.  There were two of them.  I can’t remember exactly what she said and I’ve searched and searched my timeline history, messages history, Facebook folder on email, and archives but everything must have been deleted.  I do know the messages were slightly ominous.  Along the lines of, “Do you know what your husband is up to?” and “There are some things about your husband I think you should know.”

I’m going to take a minute right here to do a PSA.  I know there is a lot of debate on whether or not you tell a person about their cheating spouse.  I’m not going to offer up my thoughts right now on which way I think a person should go but I will say this.  If you do decide to tell don’t start it off with cryptic messages.  You go full monty on the person.  Your husband (or wife) is fucking Susie (or Joe) down at Hooter’s.  They regularly meet up on Tuesdays when your husband tells you he’s going bowling.  They have sex in the minivan.  Bob, Tom, and Charlie all know about this and cover for him regularly.  His last “business trip” wasn’t a business trip at all.  He took Susie to Aruba for a romantic weekend. I’m attaching a picture of the two of them together as proof. This was taken last week when he was “working late”.  He was actually celebrating his six month anniversary with Susie.  Let me know if you want further details.  That’s how you tell a person.  Otherwise, this can happen….

I asked Zack if he knew this person.  He admitted he did.  Said he had thought she was a customer.  Offered up that she had sent him a friend request on LinkedIn and because he believed she was a customer he accepted the request.  He asks me why and I blurt out the whole story; I even read him the strange messages.  That’s when he ups the ante.  He tells me he gave her some professional advice, trying to help her out, and she became inappropriate with him.  He may have even mentioned how she became stalker-like.  He had to unfriend her and block her and he advised me to do the same.  “She’s a kook.  Just block her and delete that stuff.”  So I did.

Not that it matters in the long run but I tend to think this happened after he supposedly called things off with Harley the first time.  I keep thinking I felt like we were in a good place, which is why I was so shocked to receive this.  It would also explain the quick confrontation.  It would make sense if I already had evidence that he would cheat.  It also explains why I was so quick to believe his nonsense.

The end to this long story is this:  The memory popped into my mind.  I couldn’t remember her name but I had an inkling (and I was correct as far as her first name went).  I checked my Facebook emails, my archives, my timeline, old messages…. everything I could think of.  I spent probably 18 hours tracking this person down. Yes, I am like a dog with a bone when I latch onto something.  I finally found her name and wouldn’t you know, there were seven or eight of them so then I had to go through all of their profiles. This one is from Idaho and this one is brunette and that one is from Hawaii and… oh, bingo!  Perhaps.  I thought I had found the correct one but I wanted to make sure.  It had been two or three years. I thought her job sounded familiar but I wasn’t 100% positive.  I recalled from the time we were “friends” that she had a very recognizable picture on her timeline.  I searched through her photos.  No similar picture. In fact, she didn’t appear to have a lot of pictures on her page.  Maybe this was a new page and I had the wrong person?  I started going through her entire timeline on her page.  Time intensive.  Tedious.  Worth it!  Eventually I found one of those, “Your life on Facebook” stories.  I couldn’t review the pictures; it kept taking me to a link where I could create my own life story.  But- there was a thumbnail with the link and there it was- the picture I remembered.  It was tiny because it was part of a collage but I recognized it.  It was her. I sent her a message, letting her know I was interested in hearing what she had to say and she responded.

I know you will all be surprised to find out she wasn’t a stalker at all and he did not help her professionally.  In fact, he didn’t even connect with her on LinkedIn.  Oh no!  Lying Romeo, unbeknownst to me, had a Kik account and a Thumb account.  That’s where he met her.  She was another sexting partner.  She also told me some rather disturbing things about him which I will keep private.  I will say, however, that those things have really made me question who the hell I was married to for the last twenty plus years.  I will also say she told me she thought he was an asshole and a pervert and that he said horrible things about me.  Surprise, surprise!  It’s good to see that some things never change.

So, it looks like Harley wasn’t the only one.  As a friend of mine put it, “Where there’s two there’s bound to be more.”  I’m now wondering if I need to go amend my “The Whole Sad Story” posts.  As you may recall, in the very beginning, when I found the drama queen sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack  he told me had been texting other women.  He told me there were three of them; he went on to further elaborate that he didn’t “know” two of them but he did know the third.  Yeah, that was our little white trash ex-con Harley.  I always figured the other two must have been people he met playing online games on his phone.  After finding out he was telling people he was going to marry Harley I asked him if there were even other women or if he had made them up to protect her and keep me from realizing how serious their relationship had always been.  He admitted that the other two women were people he had met on public Internet forums. Everything was out in the open, he had given them advice, and nothing inappropriate had actually happened with them.  Harley was the only one with whom he was having any kind of an affair.  Perhaps he felt he had a chance to grab a “Get Out of Jail Free” card and could disavow any relationship with the other two.  Maybe he decided it was far better to admit to a serious relationship with Harley as opposed to letting me think he had numerous sexting buddies.  Whatever the case may be I am on unsure footing.  Was he lying then, when he said he made them up?  Or was he simply lying the entire time?  Were there three?  Were there more than three?  How long had he been doing this?  In some ways I’d like to know if he was sexting with this other person (I’ll call her Anne) the entire time he was sexting with Harley or if he began a relationship with her after he called it quits with Harley.  I know it doesn’t matter.  He’s a lying liar who lies and a cheating cheater who cheats.  That’s all I need to know.  For some reason I think it would make me feel better to know the entire time he’s telling people he’s going to marry his gold digging ex-con that he’s sexting other women.  A vindication perhaps.  See?  You’re nothing special, Harley.  He’s cheating on you just like he cheated on me.  You don’t make him any happier than I did.

Stay tuned.  I’ve got more to say on this topic.

 

The Whole Sad Story, Part 1

My story starts over 2 years ago, right before Mother’s Day. My STBX seems to have a thing about ruining holidays and special days for me. Oh wow- I just had an epiphany writing this actually.  My STBX always complained about holidays and how he didn’t enjoy them.  I swear, if we could have ordered in pizza and done nothing on any major holidays he would have been content.  To be fair, he did get a little better once the kids came along.   Anyway… right before Mother’s Day he was having what I thought was a panic attack.  I asked him what was wrong and he replied that he couldn’t tell me.  He then said, “You’ll hate me.”  My next question, of course, was, “What did you do?”  At this point he tells me he has been texting other women.  He didn’t say what he was texting.  For all I knew he was confiding his problems in these “women” and it was something totally innocent.  He goes on to tell me that he doesn’t know two of them but he does know the third person and he tells me who it is.  She was his cousin.  Um, ok.  I was in such shock I couldn’t really think to ask him any questions. This had come completely out of the blue and I had had absolutely no idea that anything was going on.  There was the obligatory:  Do you want a divorce?  To which he responded:  No!  Tell me what I can do to make this up to you!  I won’t contact any of them anymore!

Spoiler alert! I’m going to jump ahead in time to tell you what I found out along the way. There were no “women”.  There was one woman.  He included women he had responded to on an advice board in his total tally of women he was inappropriately corresponding with. These interactions were innocent.  It was an open forum.  But his cousin?  Oh, not innocent at all.  They were texting and sexting and she was sending him naked pictures.  They talked about a future together, told each other they loved one another.  Yet another spoiler alert!  In October of that year I found messages between him and his nephew dating back to before he confessed to me where he was bragging about marrying her and they were planning on getting tattoos together.  Isn’t that sweet?

The incident was pretty much swept under the rug.  What the hell do you say to that?  I was in shock.  He said it was over.  I tried to “improve” myself, be more aware of my own faults, you know, those things that drove him to cheat on me. Plus, I really had no idea at the time what he meant when he said he was texting other women.  I still thought he was a good guy.  I still honestly believed he could be so wracked with guilt over having confided his troubles to another woman.  I told myself I didn’t really know what he had done and it could very well have been completely innocent.  I told myself I didn’t want to know, that I didn’t need those images in my brain.  Oh, you poor, sweet stupid woman!

You have to understand- when I married my husband his mom and sister both said they thought he would never find anyone to marry him.  They joked about what a loner he was.  He has always been rather quiet and introverted, sort of socially awkward.  Our daughter even told me one time, “Mom, if you ever leave him he will be alone for the rest of his life.”   Not to mention he was all about honor and duty.  I honestly would have bet my life that he would never cheat.  I figured maybe he could one day leave me, but I never ever thought he would cheat.  Obviously, had I made that bet I’d be dead now.

Over Memorial Day weekend his sister had posted a long rambling thank you to him for his service and included his picture. I noticed that the OW liked all of this on Facebook.  I thought that was very strange.  Maybe it’s just me but if I got dumped by someone who was insisting he loved me the last thing I would want to do is “like” anything having to do with that person.  As I told myself, “I don’t care how patriotic that bitch is, this just doesn’t seem right.”  Add on to that all the Facebook sleuthing I had done and I could see where she was liking everything his sister would post, including her hokey quote about happiness vs. doing the right thing.  Naturally, she was in the camp of doing what makes you happy vs. doing what is right.  I found all of it very strange.  Why was she so invested in his immediate family?  Why wouldn’t she go away? No, no more spoiler alerts at this time.  You must continue reading if you want to find out.

He leaves to go to a wedding and my neurosis is out of control.  My gut was screaming and I was terrified that they were going to meet up at this wedding.  I admit it.  I went a little crazy when he was gone.  When he came back home he found her profile picture posted up around the house in several locations.  It was my lock screen on my computer, as well.  The very next day she blocked me.  Hmmmmm….. now that’s strange, don’t ya think?

I told a friend about it and she said that was not good.  She advised me to meet with a lawyer and to open up a separate bank account.  I did neither.  I called a marriage counselor instead and made an appointment.

For his part he would throw the pictures away once he found them.  He even changed my lock screen.  I also remember him coming upon yet another picture that he had missed and him asking me, “Are you about done with this?”

It took me a week to work up my courage to tell him about this appointment and as expected he refused to go.  We got into a huge fight.  I was crying.  He was looking on dispassionately.  I asked him what they had talked about.  He refused to answer.  I asked him why she blocked me.  He told me that was between the two of us and he had no idea.  He denied he was in contact with her, swore he hadn’t seen her when he was at the wedding, and denied that there had been any plans to meet up.  Liar, liar, pants on fire!  Later that evening I told him I thought we could be happy together.  He told me he thought it would be too “weird” to be happy with me after all these years of living “like roommates”.  He told me he wanted everything to go back to the way it was where I would do my thing and he would do his; he tacitly threatened me with divorce if I wouldn’t drop it.  I reminded him that only 6 weeks prior he had sent me a text telling me he loved me, he had always loved me.  “Do you still feel that way?” I asked him.  “I don’t know.  I care about you,” was his reply.  Plucky little me told him, “I’m not giving up on us!”  In hindsight, that deserves a big ol’ blech!

I proceeded to spend the rest of the summer doing my best to “win” my husband back.  I would go out to the garage and listen to music with him.  Rap music.  I’m not a big fan.  I know more lyrics to L’il Wayne songs than anyone should.  Trust me on this one. I consider it a source of shame that I can actually identify him by his voice.  To add insult to injury it was a record breaking scorcher of a summer. So I was out in a hot garage listening to awful music with him.  I threw myself at him, walking a delicate line between offering myself up to him and not pressuring him.  I went to counseling alone.  I watched Facebook to see if the OW would make an appearance.  I never pushed him to say he loved me.  I never said it to him either because I didn’t want to put him in an awkward situation.  I did my best to keep the house clean and the laundry done. I made an effort to put make-up on and have my hair done.  He made another trip to visit his family and his sister posted a picture of the two of them.  I waited to see if the OW would like it but she never did.  I finally let out a sigh of relief.

About three weeks later as I’m walking into the store to get last minute items for my daughter’s birthday party (I told you he had a knack for ruining holidays and special events!) I get a message from the OW’s husband.  Yes, not only does she find it perfectly acceptable to chase after MY husband, but also she finds it perfectly acceptable to cheat on her own husband.  It was a very short message.  Short and to the point.  Have you found a good divorce attorney yet?

I calmly called my husband at work and asked him if he was free.  When he said he was I told him about the message I received and then asked him to explain this.  He admitted they were still talking and that they “really really liked each other.”  Oh, well, if you really really like each other then that’s ok!  I told him he was living in a fantasy and nothing about their relationship was real and then asked him if she was worth losing his wife and kids.  “I know I don’t want to lose my kids,” was his reply.  That should have been a huge red flag.  I demanded to know what they talked about and he tried to turn it around on me and asked me what I thought they talked about.  “I think you talk about sex, and how much you love each other and how much you want to be together.”  Silence.  “Do you want to tell me I’m wrong?” No, I wasn’t wrong.  He then goes on to tell me that I knew he hadn’t been happy for a few years now. I reminded him that I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused.  I had asked him to do things with us as a family but he didn’t want to.  I reminded him that I had suggested a date night but his response was:  Why would you want to do that?  I also pointed out that having an affair was not exactly a way to improve your marriage.  I reminded him of everything I had done for him over the years and everything we had been through.  Finally I asked him how long he thought I was going to put up with this.  I reminded him that I deserved to be happy, too.  With that I told him to get his head out of his ass and make a decision.  Either end it with her, send her a text and let me see it, or we were done.  This whole time I’m dumping ice into coolers and loading them up with drinks for the party.

After I finished getting ready for my daughter’s party and had loaded everything into my car I  drove out to the party location to set up, all the while thinking I was headed for divorce. I was convinced he was going to choose her and would never send the text as I had requested.  I tried to call my mom to let her know what was going on but I guess she was too busy making funeral arrangements for my step-father to answer the phone at the time.  By the time I finished setting up I had received two text messages from my husband.  The first one said he didn’t want to lose any of us.  The second one said he would send the text to end it.