Entitlement, Thy Name is Cheater

I saw this meme and I thought to myself, “I have no words.” Then I thought about it and decided I did have words. Unfortunately, I have been so bad about writing that I never got around to it. Before I could point out the absurdity of such an asinine statement I was slapped in the face with this drivel:

Folks, this gets to the very heart of what Chump Lady always says about cheating. She maintains it’s about entitlement and crappy character. What better example of that entitlement is there than these two memes?

Don’t lose a loyal man because he’s occasionally unfaithful? As they would say in “The Princess Bride”: I do not think that word means what you think it means. A loyal man is not unfaithful. Feel free to interchange the pronouns as necessary. That’s like saying, “Don’t give up on your law abiding husband because he occasionally murders someone.” “Don’t give up on your honest investment banker because he occasionally embezzles.” “Don’t fire your favorite teacher just because she occasionally sleeps with her students.” I guess if you only do something occasionally it’s okay.

You say he hits you? Does he do it regularly? No? Only occasionally? Oh yeah, then you don’t want to lose a good man like him because he occasionally hits you.

He occasionally molests your kids? Well, it’s not like he does it all the time. You don’t want to lose a good man over something that only happens occasionally.

I could do this all day. She only tried to poison you once! What’s your problem? She occasionally shoots up in front of your kids. It’s not like she’s a junkie. He occasionally lies to you. Where’s the red flag in that?

As you might be able to conclude I think the idea that you would want to hang onto this gem because he’s only occasionally unfaithful is a load of crap. Being occasionally unfaithful is a lot like being a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren’t.

It’s also an entitled attitude. He’s so fucking phenomenal that it doesn’t matter what kind of shitty behavior he engages in. You don’t want to lose him, do you? Just look past him sticking his dick in other people. It’s no biggie. You don’t want to lose a loyal man like him because of the occasional cheating. Where on earth would you find someone better?

Then we move onto this brilliant advice, otherwise known as, “How to eat shit sandwiches and keep a smile on your face.”

Cheating is apart (sic) of ups & downs of a relationship tho. Every man is gonna hurt u, u just gotta find that one worth hurting for. Millions of happy wives have been cheated on & absurd but they fought for their marriage to work. If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

Oh Professor Douche, there is so much wrong with this. We’ll begin with the obvious. No, cheating is not a part of the ups and downs of a relationship. Cheating is, or should be, a deal breaker. It should not be normalized. If cheating is a normal part of the ups and downs in a relationship then you are in a very toxic relationship. My advice is to get the hell out!

Secondly, pain and sorrow is not a normal part of a relationship. You should not expect to be hurt. You should expect to be loved and treasured. Supported, cherished. Not writhing around in agony because the person you’re with is an asshole and you think this is just the normal course of an average relationship. I don’t find any man worth hurting for. Whether you’re a man or a woman I would hope you wouldn’t find any man or woman worth hurting for. That’s not love. That’s abuse. Let’s stop selling these tortured relationships as love affairs of the century.

I find it astounding that he actually believes “millions of happy wives have been cheated on & abused but they fought for their marriage to work.” Those women are not happy. They’re desperate. And where are all the men fighting for their marriages to work despite wives that are out there sleeping with everyone? I guess being hurt and being cheated on and being abused isn’t part of a man’s normal relationship. At least not as a recipient.

I do have to give him props thought. He dared to take the conversation where others normally don’t. He’s actually suggesting that if a man only hits you occasionally you should continue to fight for your marriage. Sounds amazing. Yeah, he gets drunk and beats me but it only happens a few times a month. He cheats on me, slept with my sister, gave me an STD, but that’s just part of the ups and downs of a relationship, you know. I stuck it out. I fought for my marriage and my lying, cheating sack of shit abuser. I am so lucky! I know how to stick with it unlike you losers out there. You give up too easily and that’s why you don’t have a lasting relationship. Unlike me.

This is the crap the RIC peddles. Fight for your man. Fight for your marriage. Who cares about your dignity? Keep him at all costs. It’s far better to have a man, even if he’s a shitty excuse for a human being, than to be alone.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. The idea that love means never having to say you’re sorry is bullshit and so is this idea that you need to fight for love. Love is freely given. It is reciprocated. Relationships may not be all sunshine and roses all the time but you shouldn’t have to be fighting for your relationship either. Nor should you have to navigate through hell for a relationship. That’s not a relationship worth nurturing.

Oh, and third? This idea that if you’re not willing to fight for love then you should stay single is another way of getting you to continue with the pick me dance.

If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

No, bro, how ‘bout if you want me to continue to be in your life you get your shit together from the very beginning? He’s making a declaration, folks. If you can’t fight for your man then you should stay single. If you’re not willing to overlook his cheating and his lying and the abuse he foists upon you then don’t even bother trying to find someone. It’s much better that you remain single. Any of you people out there that believe you deserve to be treated with decency and respect need to readjust your expectations. You should willingly accept the crumbs someone tosses your way. Who do you think you are anyway? You don’t get to make demands. You don’t get to make a choice.

All snark aside these two memes are shining examples of what I talk about and what Chump Lady talks about when we keep shouting from the rooftops that cheating is not a marriage problem; it is an entitlement problem. That’s what all of this is about. It’s what the RIC is built on. They truly believe they are entitled to forgiveness. It’s a given. Any real woman would do the right thing and fight for her man, her relationship. Of course she would forgive him, take him back, and never speak of it again.They believe they get to call all of the shots. They get to decide to cheat on you. Then they get to decide if they want to stay with to you or if they’re going to leave. They are entitled to do whatever they feel like and you need to sit there and take it like a good little woman. Sadly, many of us have been indoctrinated to believe this bullshit. To believe that cheating is just a mistake. To believe you owe it to them to give them another chance. To believe that you don’t throw away years for one bad moment in your relationship. We’re taught to forgive and told that relationships take two people. We’re told to look at ourselves and ask ourselves what we did wrong, how we made them cheat, what we did to drive them into someone else’s arms.

That. Is. Bullshit. Cheating is not a relationship problem. It is an entitlement problem. They feel entitled to cheat and they feel entitled to your forgiveness.

Am I going to find that one man that is worth hurting for? No, Professor Douche, I’m going to find the man who doesn’t believe that cheating and abuse are normal parts of a relationship. 

Am I willing to fight for love? I don’t know. What’s the prize money like? Come on! I’m way too old to fight for love. It’s either there or it’s not. All of this “fight for your relationship” bullshit is just pick me bait.  I’m not fighting to keep a relationship with a lying, cheating, entitled asshole. That’s a solid “No.”

Am I going to lose a loyal man just because he’s occasionally unfaithful? Oh honey, I’m not losing anything. I’m kicking that sonofabitch to the curb! He’s the one that lost something.

#riseup

Stupid People’s Comments Regarding Affairs

A brave soul from another site replied to an article written by the mistress on Scary Mommy. I don’t know exactly what the person said, probably something controversial and sensible like, “There is no excuse for cheating. You have options. Communication. Therapy. Leaving before you find a mistress.” She later reported that she was getting eaten alive on the Scary Mommy site. I guess they have a disproportionate number of cheaters and cheater apologists on that site. Good to know.

I thought I’d share with you some of their wisdom.

Stop with the woe is me. Nobody owes you anything. You don’t own someone because you married him or her.

Nobody owes me anything? Oh, they most certainly! We’re not talking about any random person out there. We’re talking about a person who has asked me to marry them. Not only did they ask me to marry them, they went through with it and exchanged vows with me. They’ve made promises to me. We’ve made plans together. I’ve given up my own dreams to help support theirs. We’ve made agreements and decisions based upon us being partners. Oh hell yes they owe me something. They owe me honesty. They owe me loyalty. They owe me fidelity. If they didn’t want to “owe” me any of those things then they shouldn’t have married me. This isn’t some casual coffee date; this was supposed to be a lifetime commitment.

I moved all over the country for Jerry Lee. I gave up my established life time after time so that he could advance at work. I left friends behind. I left family behind. I held down the fort while he was living and working hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from us. I agreed to uproot my life and the lives of my children from Utah where we were perfectly happy to Virginia based solely upon what he wanted. I cooked for that man. I made him a plate every night. I did his laundry. I took care of his children. I cleaned his house. I bought his groceries. I took care of everything. You bet your ass he owes me. I was not some random woman he passed on the street. I was his wife of 20 years and the mother of his children.

This attitude is why I have the issues I do with truly merging my life with another person. It’s why I am so reluctant to share everything with someone else, to go all in knowing I could lose everything once again. You have all these idiots out there who act like getting married is no different than going to the movies with someone. You get fucked over? Oh well! They don’t owe you anything. You don’t own them just because you got married.

Honestly, if marriage means so little then why on earth would anyone ever get married? Why not just casually date for the rest of your life? That’s about how much importance some of these people put on marriage and the vows you take. Why do anything for the other person? Move across the country or even out of the country for your spouse’s dream job? Give up your job to stay at home and raise the children? Put your career second to your spouse’s? Give up time with your own family in order to spend it with your spouse’s family? Compromise at all on anything? Why? Why would you when they don’t owe you anything at all and all of those things you are willing to do for your partner don’t mean anything?

I see it every day on Chump Lady’s blog and the Chump Nation Facebook page. Women who have been stay at home moms for 5, 10, 20 years. Discarded for the new shiny. Left without a home. Left without any income. In many cases there is no alimony. They’re left trying to rebuild their lives while the ex-husband rides off blissfully into the sunset with the new supply. And society’s answer to that is: They don’t owe you anything. You don’t own them.

Fuck that. They absolutely do owe us something. And needless to say, but I’m going to say it  anyway, expecting fidelity does not equal thinking you own someone. It means you expect them to be faithful.

I would go so far as to say I think all of us realize we don’t own our spouses. We do, however, have expectations. If you’re unhappy and you want out, then do it ethically. Get out before you start fucking around. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t waste our lives while you begin a new one without ever cluing us in until you’re ready to discard us.

Therapy? No. If you’re unhappy therapy won’t fix anything.

Really? The only thing that will fix being unhappy is having an affair? You sure about that? 

I don’t think the person who suggested therapy believes that it will automatically cure any ills within a relationship, but it does seem to be a much more mature approach to repairing a marriage than having an affair. The person who is unhappy may find that therapy won’t save the marriage after all but it’s certainly better than screwing around behind your spouse’s back, devastating them and blowing up your children’s lives. You may still end up divorced but you’re not a cheater.

Some people don’t seek out the help they need and then wonder why their spouses chose to cheat or leave. Nobody should live a life of misery simply because he/she exchanged vows with you. Cheating is a symptom of a bad marriage/long term relationship.

Wait. So now it’s my fault that my spouse cheated? If only I had been a better little wife he might not have needed to go fuck his cousin?

No, we do not cause people to cheat on us, just like we don’t cause people to rape us, or beat us or kidnap us, or mug us. In all of those instances, people have chosen to do those things to another person. They are responsible for their choice. No one made them do it.

I always find it interesting that those who believe you caused your own abuse never think people abusing them is justified. Your husband (or wife) cheats on you? Pfft… you deserved it; if you hadn’t done A, B, or C or had done X, Y, or Z, they wouldn’t have cheated on you. You run that cheating sonofabitch down with your car? Well that is just wrong! There is no excuse for that.

I also love how there are only two choices- you live a life of misery or you cheat/leave. God forbid you actually work on your relationship. Nope, that would be too hard. It might actually take some effort. Much easier to just cheat, or call it quits. Your kids might end up suicidal or needing therapy or end up dropping out of college, but hey, if you’re happy that’s all that matters.

Cheating is a symptom of a bad marriage/long term relationship. No, it’s not. It’s a sign of shitty character and a poor moral compass. It is a choice. People are in bad relationships all the time and they don’t all cheat. Hell, most of the people who end up cheated on have horror stories about the things they endured because of the cheater. Yet they remained faithful. They continued to fight for their relationships and their families.

Too many people out here acting like they’re helpless. You have a choice. Your spouse doesn’t want you. Leave! You don’t think he or she has thought about the consequences.? It’s a message. Stop being in denial and go find someone who wants to be with you. If postpartum depression is making you intolerable to be around, then yes, your spouse may choose to not stay committed to you. You can’t be a miserable jackass and expect others to tolerate that life.

Oh, there’s so much to this I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s begin at the end: You can’t be a miserable jackass and expect others to tolerate that life. This person specifically references postpartum depression. Basically what they’re saying is if a person has an illness and they’re no longer fun they should expect their spouse to cheat and/or leave. Wow! I hope that if they are ever diagnosed with cancer or some other life threatening illness or disability that they are equally as understanding when their own spouse deserts them because they’re no longer fun.

Again it’s that whole, “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health” thing. You made vows to this person. You made a commitment. But for these people, that means nothing. Remember, being married doesn’t mean they owe you anything. You don’t own them.

Too many people out here acting like they’re helpless. You have a choice. See, that’s where you’re wrong. The choice is taken from us. We’re lied to and deceived so that we don’t have all of the information. It’ s not a level playing field. It’s rigged. That’s what cheating is all about. People are told, “Oh no! I’m not having an affair! How could you even think that?” when the reality is their spouse is in fact having an affair. They’re told they’re crazy and paranoid. The cheater is playing their part beautifully so that we don’t catch on, and if we suspect something, we’re always told we’re imagining things. “Everything’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. It’s work stress. I’m tired.” No, we are not given a choice. We’re given lies.

I also find it interesting how everything falls on the betrayed spouse. Your spouse doesn’t want you. Leave! Why am I the one that has to do anything? If my spouse is so miserable they must cheat on me then shouldn’t they be the one that leaves? It appears to me that I am the one getting shit on and yet the naysayers are looking at me and asking, “Why aren’t you doing anything about this? You need to take care of this.”

You don’t think he or she has thought about the consequences.? It’s a message.

No, I don’t think he or she has thought about the consequences. They either think they’re so damn brilliant they’ll never get caught, or they don’t believe their good chump will ever grow a backbone and start looking out for their own best interests instead of serving them. When consequences do occur they immediately try to turn it around and play the victim. Most cheaters don’t have any intentions of leaving their marriage. They enjoy eating cake. Those that do? They do not enjoy having any consequences levied. Again, they think they’re the victim when that happens.

Stop being in denial and go find someone who wants to be with you. 

Yes, because when you’ve been lied to and deceived, and your whole world implodes around you the first thing you think is, “I need to go out and find a new partner.” You’re not traumatized. You don’t have trust issues. It’s all, “Wow! I’m so lucky I get to find somebody new!” The fact that your whole life has been turned upside down and in many cases you don’t know where you’re going to live or how you’re going to pay your bills is not an issue. No, Jackass, all we’re thinking is, “I’m going to pull on my big girl (or boy) panties and find someone new. Someone who wants me.”

These people are idiots. End of story.

Why Karen?

I keep seeing the Karen memes and tweets. Everywhere you turn it’s, “Way to go, Karen,” or “Do you want to talk to the manager, Karen?” Why Karen? What age demographic are people trying to hit with this insult? I always thought they were going for the 40 year olds, maybe early 50s. I’m 51 and I don’t know very many Karens. I can think of two off the top of my head. I had to check my Facebook friends list and it turns out I have three of them on my list, so bump that number up to five! I know a lot of Jennifers though. Also, a lot of Angies and Stacys. And quite a few Julies and/or Julias, now that I think about it. Amy is another popular one.

Rarely known fact: I was this close to being named Heather. It was between my actual name and Heather. My mom said at the last minute she decided she was going to go with Heather but then my dad showed up with a gift that read: To Baby Sam. So Sam it was. I was so damn close to having a normal name.

The meme makes me think they’re going a little younger than the 60s generation, and while it does have a point I think if you’re going to generalize an entire generation the smarter bet would have been on Jennifer. It was the top baby girl name from 1970-1984. Fourteen years, folks! So far no other name has matched the popularity or staying power of Jennifer. Like I asked in the beginning, how old is this Karen? 30s? 40s? 50s? If she’s anywhere from 36-50 she really should be called Jennifer. Maybe even Jen.

Perhaps they’re reaching even further back- 1969 and earlier. That may very well be, but the number one baby name in 1969 was Lisa. Followed by Michelle, Jennifer, Kimberly, and Melissa. Surprisingly Amy came in at #6. I thought it would be higher. Rounding out the top ten were Angela, Mary, Tammy, and Laura. To be fair Karen did come in at #13. 

After doing some research (aka Googling the top baby names for 1960-1969) it turns out the insult may have some teeth behind it, depending upon how old this Karen is. As it turns out Karen was actually a fairly popular name in the early part of the 60s. Early, being the operative word. It wasn’t Jennifer popular but it was the 4th most popular name of the 1960s.

It peaked at #3 in 1965 and held onto the #4 spot in 1960, ’62, ’63, and ’64. It was #5 in popularity in 1961 and 1966, and then slid to #6 in 1967 and down to #9 in 1968. As I said previously, it came in at #13 in 1969. Like I said, it was no Jennifer.

I’m back to asking: How old is Karen? if she was born in the 60s Lisa was the overall #1 girl name, followed by Mary and Susan. Wouldn’t it make more sense to use one of those names instead of the #4 name? Maybe Karen is always in such a pissy mood because her name came in at #4 instead of #1. But we don’t hear anything about bad attitudes from Kimberly, Patricia, Linda, Donna, Michelle, or Cynthia, do we? Those were #5-10 in case you were wondering.

And if she is younger, born sometime in the 1970s, you would be better off calling her Jennifer (of course!), Amy, Melissa, Michelle, or Kimberly. Lisa dropped to #6 in the 70s. Heather, btw, was #8.

I think Karen is more popular now than it was in its heyday beck in the 60s! Way to go, Karen.

A Question To Ponder

Editor’s Note: Obviously this was written a few days before Christmas, but the question still stands.

I know it’s all things Christmas right now, but I had this question pop into my head and it’s really been bugging me.

If Michael Myers supposedly has super human strength and is practically immortal then why doesn’t he just break out of the mental institution? Why does he always need to wait until he’s being transported on a dark Halloween night? Why can’t he just take out a few guards and walk right out to freedom any damn time he chooses? He doesn’t need to wait until a bus crashes or he’s able to steal a car.

I thought maybe it came down to being medicated but that doesn’t really work for me either. If they know they need to medicate him why wouldn’t they be sure to medicate him when they know he’s going outside the institution’s walls? That’s basic common sense right there, although I will concede it doesn’t make for a very long movie.

I’m going to get back to all things Christmas. I’ve got a quartet of Christmas in Evergreen movies to watch and I’m going to occupy myself with those. In the meantime, if any of you have an answer to my question I’d love to hear it.

The Chipmunk Song

What is it with that guy on that Christmas song? Is his name Dave? I know it’s Dave in the movies; not sure it’s ever mentioned in the song.

First thing you hear as the song begins is him asking each adorable chipmunk if he’s ready. 

Okay, Simon? 

Okay! 

Okay, Theodore? 

Okay! 

Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!!!  

What is this guy’s fucking problem? He’s screaming at a poor little chipmunk. What has Alvin really done? It’s not like he’s goofing off. He’s simply not responding as quickly as his two suck up brothers. Dave calls him twice and then he loses his damn mind. Why is he yelling at him and what is with his short fuse? He seems like a horrible manager.

Has he ever thought that maybe if he talked to Alvin in a nicer tone of voice Alvin might be a bit more responsive? Alvin might be more inclined to pay attention and give his best efforts towards this Christmas song. I don’t blame him for not wanting to work with that jerk or for not paying attention.

Then he does it again- after insulting him! He compliments Simon and Theodore (That was very good, Simon; that was very good, Theodore!) but tells Alvin he was a little flat, and when Alvin doesn’t immediately tell him he’s so sorry about his failings as a singing chipmunk he yells at him AGAIN! Alvin. Alvin! ALVIN!!!

Whenever I listen to this at work I get irritated with him every single time. Stop yelling at him! Maybe if he treated him with a little bit of respect and kindness he wouldn’t have these issues with Alvin. I think we all respond better to constructive criticism instead of screaming and yelling.

At the end of the song, when he’s telling them they’ve sang enough and need to rest, it sounds like the chipmunks are getting ready to attack him. They are chattering up a storm. Now, maybe it’s just Alvin. Or maybe Alvin has finally galvanized his brothers to rally around him. I don’t know. What I do know is I wouldn’t want to be that guy that spent the day yelling at poor little Alvin. Because it sounds like they’re really pissed. And we all know the last thing you want is a pissed off chipmunk. I’m solidly rooting for Alvin if it comes to that.

You’re a Better Person Than Me

I think we’ve all heard that before. Usually spoken when someone does something we would not be able to do, or maybe something we wouldn’t ever want to do.  As in:

You celebrate all of the holidays with your cheating ex and the AP? Oh, you’re a better person than me!

You invited your cheating ex and the AP over for dinner? You’re a better person than me!

You met up with the AP and had a heart to heart? You’re a better person than me!

You don’t hate the AP and you guys go get mani/pedis together? You’re a better person than me!

You bought baby gifts for the affair baby so your kids could give their new “sibling” something? You’re a better person than me!

Are they though? Aren’t they just better at eating shit sandwiches?

Then, of course, you get the whole, “It’s so great that you are moving on and not letting bitterness and anger rule your life.” Because obviously if you’re not best friends with your ex-husband’s ho then you must be bitter and/or angry. Who wouldn’t want to be besties with the person that fucked your husband behind your back and helped blow up your life? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Do you really have to eat shit sandwiches in order to prove you’re no longer bitter and have a fulfilling life without the fuckwit in it? I say, “No. No, I do not.” I don’t need to be friends with someone in order to prove that I don’t hate them. I don’t need to buy them gifts, have them over for dinner, or have heart to heart conversations with them either. Not being friends does not equal remaining bitter or angry. It could simply equal rock solid boundaries.

Why do we keep perpetuating this idea that the only healthy way to divorce is by cozying up to the people that hurt us? Do we want to encourage people to debase themselves in order to prove something to others? I’m not encouraging people to deliberately be antagonistic. By all means, be civil when you must interact. But this idea that you need to celebrate the holidays together for the sake of the children, or that you must welcome the interloper with open arms as another parent? No fucking way. It is not necessary.

I’m sure that in a lot of cases the divorcing couple and the AP could have an amicable relationship. How difficult is it for the cheating spouse and affair partner to be amicable? They weren’t blindsided. They’re skipping off into the sunset, living their brand new shiny lives. They haven’t lost a damn thing. You wanna act like you’re friends? That would be swell! It’s image management at its finest.

Look! Look! What we did wasn’t that bad? Would my jilted spouse hang around me and my paramour if what we did was so awful? Look at what great friends we are! All is forgiven! I’m still a wonderful person despite the fact that I lied and cheated. My affair partner is still a wonderful person despite the fact that they fuck married people.

I don’t know why this narrative gets so much play. Nor do I understand why so many betrayed people buy into it but I really wish it would stop. You don’t have to befriend the person who gutted you, whether that’s your spouse or the affair partner. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Go live your best life and let the swine roll around in the muck. You don’t owe them a minute more of your time.

The Incompetence Astounds Me

I know I promised you memes but something came up. I was going to write about it but I went to the gym and ran 5 miles so when I came home I took a shower and pretty much collapsed, and then I had to pack for my weekend away with the mobster. This isn’t what I was originally going to write about but it’s going to have to do.

I was having a lovely weekend with the mobster. Truly lovely. We drank three bottles of wine last night and ate a bowl of shrimp cocktail. We got up this morning and ran three miles. Came back and took a shower before leaving again. We had just visited one of our favorite spots in Chillicothe- New Systems Bakery- and had left with strawberry bismarcks in hand, along with an iced Milky Way latte for me. We were headed to this magnificent park to walk and play Pokeman Go when I get a text from Jerry Lee.

The fucking state of Mississippi garnished his goddamn check! This was AFTER the caseworker assured me they had dropped the case. This is also AFTER she had told me from the very beginning that any modification through the state has to go through a judge in the state where the non-custodial parent is residing. It is also AFTER Mississippi dropped the ball for six fucking months and did nothing. They were supposed to have this situation resolved in February. I went ahead and took matters into my own hands and paid out shit loads of money to get a new order.   I don’t know who the hell knows what the fuck is going on but I sure wish someone would get their head out of their ass and figure this out. I cannot believe how incompetent all of these idiots are. No one has any idea what’s going on and they’ve got it set up so I can’t call anyone directly and get answers.

I know what you’re thinking. Not my problem, right? Looks like I’m making $140,000 a year right now. Except I’m not. Yeah, he’s the one that has no money from his paycheck. I’m sure Harley is loving that right now.

He asked very politely if he could stop his direct deposit until we get this sorted out. I told him I would prefer to keep it in place and send him back the money. The man has a whole new attitude since court. I appreciate that. Seriously.

Why is this my problem? For starters, I don’t need Mississippi screwing up my arrears. Secondly, it doesn’t sound like Mississippi is garnishing arrears for the spousal support and I know they’re not doing it for the legal fees. Third, and this is the most important reason right now- I don’t have any of the money that is owed to me.

Because the state gets their cut first the amount his company directly deposited into my account, or will deposit on Monday, is approximately $800 short of what I was expecting. My daughter’s rent is due on the 1st of the month. I have a huge therapist bill to pay for my son. I took almost all that I could from savings to pay off my lawyer. Side note: Isn’t it great that I paid around $3500-$4500 for a new support order and now I’m dealing with this shit? NOW the fucking state finally wants to show up and get their hands in this?

I suppose I could send the money that his company deposited into my account back to him on Monday when it hits. But I have no idea where the money Mississippi garnished is. I have no idea when I can expect to receive it. I have no idea how I will receive it. Knowing those fuckwits it will take them another 6 fucking months to get something set up to get the money to me and meanwhile I either have no support, or Jerry Lee gets no paycheck.

I looked at the mobster this morning as we were driving and told him, “I’m a good person. Why does this shit keep happening to me?”

Maybe that’s part of the problem. I am a good person. I’m an honest person. So knowing that I’ve inadvertently taken every dime from Jerry Lee’s paycheck does not delight me as it should. It horrifies me. Because I’m a good person.

I should be sitting back without a care in the world. I’m not the one with no money in my paycheck, right? I’m getting money on Monday and somewhere in the universe I’ve got even more money. Don’t know when I’ll get it but it’s coming.

If I were a total bitch I wouldn’t care about this at all. You’ll get your money back when I get my money. I shouldn’t care about this. He didn’t give a flying fuck when I was working two jobs, getting up at 1:30 in the morning, working 21 straight days, stressing over bills and Christmas, or wondering how I was going to pay for college. He walked away without saying a word. When he lost his job it was a simple, “I lost my job today. I won’t be sending any more money.” That was it. I was on my own. And thanks to that I lost my home, I had to move my kids once again, I lost decent insurance, and I quickly used up my savings. I make a fraction of what he makes because I wasted 20 years of my life moving all around the country for him and raising his children. After all the nasty things he’s said and done, the condescending way he has treated me, and all the hell he has put me through I shouldn’t care one bit that he has no money from his paycheck.

Let Harley support the family. She can work overtime a month or two while this gets straightened out. Maybe she’ll have to give up tanning or getting her nails done. Stop blowing $900 in a single trip to a store. Stop renting out vacation rentals at $1800 a pop. Let her do without for a while. I’ve done without for five years.

Or, he can get a second job to bring some money in. Door Dash is always hiring, I hear. Let him feel the pressure of financial stress.

That’s how I should be looking at it. Unfortunately, I worry that this is somehow going to screw with our original order and I don’t want that to happen. At one point I told myself that Mississippi could garnish him until they’d taken what they figured he owed. After that they would garnish him for child support only and he could directly deposit the difference between what Mississippi was taking and what Virginia said he was to pay. I think that gets a little tricky; he could possibly try to have Virginia’s court order thrown out and abide by Mississippi’s ruling.

Needless to say I emailed the caseworker. I suppose I’ll wait another week until she finally gets back to me.

One day this nightmare will be over, right?

What Is It With This Post?

Jesus Christ on crutches! What is it with this post? I have had three people now have a bone to pick with me over this.

If you haven’t read this post I’ll give you a real quick Cliff Notes version. If you choose to stay with your spouse but you’re still pining after your affair partner get the fuck out! Go to that person and stop wasting your spouse’s life.

How does this get so many contentious responses? I am begging the cheater to go be with the other person. You would think they would be happy about this. But no! They react as though I’ve suggested branding them with a scarlet A or placing them in the stockades and letting people throw rotten eggs at them. 

One person suggested I sounded like a very bitter person who surrounded herself with a lot of cats. First of all, I don’t have any cats. My daughter does. I love my grand cats very much. They are delightful. Do not diss Poppy or Maverick. Second of all, I’m more of a dog person. Between the mobster and myself we’ve got four. Third of all, what kind of an insult is that anyway? Yeah, you must like cats! Oh burn!

The next two want to get all philosophical with me. Kate let me know she found this very “therapeutic” and that she, too, used to feel that way about “the other woman.” I’m guessing that stopped when she began an affair of her own. Funny how you’re okay with it when you’re the one doing it. She wanted me to know that I didn’t really know the other woman was a whore and that even though I “knew” I had squeezed every last bit of information about the affair from my cheater he was probably still unlikely to be honest about whether or not he missed the affair or affair partner. She then goes on to tell me she realizes I believe he’s one in a million and different from most men.

Did she read my blog before commenting? I do not think Jerry Lee is one in a million or that he’s different. I think he’s an entitled ass. I told her as much, too.

Finally, she chastises me for calling the other woman a whore, letting me know it sounds silly and people will get nothing out of my posts. I told her if she had no problem with some woman riding my husband’s dick then she could get off my ass for calling that woman a whore.

Oh, I forgot this gem: Trust me, one day you’ll be a lot less critical of people and happiness will follow.

Yes, I’m sure embracing whores will make me giddy. I suppose not having a moral compass can be freeing for some.

Then, just a day or so ago I get another comment taking me to task. This one, calling herself sorrynotsorry, let me know how wrong I was about the other women and this idea that the affair is not real life.

“It is real life!” she insists. I have no idea how many women are out there, doing their cheating lover’s laundry, making his meals, taking whatever leftover scraps of his time he’s willing to offer. Of course, in her situation it was the wife who was the secret; everyone knew them as a couple. So there! I’m wrong, wrong, wrong!

It happens. It’s rare, but it happens. Sure, some people get played. If it came as such a shock that her beloved was married after spending all of these nights, holidays and weekends with her, then I’d say he’s one hell of a liar. Probably a sociopath as well. Great catch there! She’s so busy patting herself on the back because this man uses his wife’s home as a boarding house and treats her with disrespect, that she doesn’t realize he’s no prize.

Once again, my favorite parts are where she’s calling me pathetic. I’m pathetic because I’m trying to fool myself into thinking the affair is meaningless. And pointing the finger at the other woman is also pathetic and desperate. Can’t forget desperate. Oh yes, I will probably never measure up to the so called whore and that’s why he’s stayed with her for so many years. He only stays with me because of the children and finances. Also, I’m bitter and hurt because the man I love has chosen to love someone else.

OK, first, does anyone actually read my blog before they comment or do they see the word “whore” and lose their shit? He’s not staying with me for the kids and financial reasons. I’m not with him; I left his cheating ass. He has abandoned his children for his gold digging, jailbird cousin. Yes, she is a whore. No, I don’t worry about measuring up to her; there is no comparison. No, I don’t want him back. I’m not bitter or hurt; my new guy is so much more amazing than Jerry Lee could ever hope to be.

Can you imagine the vitriol I would get if I was actually slamming them? I’m encouraging them to leave their spouses in order to be with the affair partner and they lose their freaking minds! Don’t call me a whore! How dare you say our affair isn’t real life? Who cares if it’s real or not? I’m doing you a freaking favor. I’m on your side, if you will.

I mean, sure, I don’t think it’s going to be all sunshine and roses for the happy couple. One of them is a person who cheats on their spouse, and the other is a person who has no problem with fucking someone else’s spouse. They’re both liars and people with no moral compass. Nonetheless, give it a go. Grab the bull by the horns. You only live once. Stop wasting a good person’s life while you fuck around on the side.

Sorry, haters, the advice remains the same. Shit or get off the pot. If you miss your affair partner so much then leave your spouse and go be with that person. Stop being a cake eating pussy. If this advice hurts your feelings? Well then, bless your heart.

Still Hungry & Bitchy

I’m back and ready to complain some more.

I woke up and had 2 pieces of toast and an orange. Were you aware that a large orange has 85 calories in it? That’s almost a quarter of the calories that I’m allowed to have at each meal. Two pieces of toast with a little bit of butter and an orange ran me just under 400 calories.

Because all I had for breakfast was a stupid orange and two pieces of toast I was hungry again in about an hour. Imagine that. So I had another two pieces of toast. I’m now left with 732 calories for the day. The entire day.

What did I do? I didn’t eat. Picasso and I went downtown around 3:30 in the afternoon to play Pokemon. We ended up meeting some other people and doing some raids. We called it quits around 6:30 and went out to eat.

I went to Chili’s again. Got the same thing, minus the shrimp. I’m over 248 calories for the day. Hooray for me. My lovely little diary told me that I am on track to lose 7 pounds in 5 weeks if I keep starving myself like I am. Well that’s great news.

To top off the day we crossed the street and went to the grocery store to buy lunchmeat for the boy and so that I would have something to eat tomorrow that will fit within my ridiculous limits.

I’m perusing the aisles. The yogurt parfait that I love with the fruit and granola? The large one is 290 calories. I put that back. I already have almonds in my drawer and I’m always hungry in the morning so I’m going to have a serving of those. They are around 180 calories for what I consume so I can’t have both the yogurt parfait and the almonds later as a snack because that’s 470 calories and I’m now over my stupid 400 calorie limit, which would mean I have to cut somewhere or get my ass to the gym so I can not complete the next day of C25K.

I checked out the bagged salads. The entire bag counts as 3.5 helpings and they all have about 150-160 calories per serving. It’s lettuce, for crying out loud!

I’m at work. I’m not going to be able to take it home. I’m not going to measure it out. Ultimately I’m going to eat the entire salad, which means I’m consuming over 500 calories on a salad. A fucking salad! That also means I need to cut calories on another meal, which is already ridiculously low in calories.

What the fuck is left? I peruse the frozen food aisle. Almost all of the frozen entrees are over 250 calories for a ridiculously small portion of food. I scratch those off my list. I can have 2 Jimmy Dean egg frittatas for 260 calories. My thinking (my hope, my prayer) is that the eggs, meat, and cheese in those 2 little egg muffins will provide enough protein that I won’t be hungry again until lunch at 1. If I do get hungry again and have those almonds I’m going to be over my calorie count. It probably won’t hurt me as much tomorrow because I plan on going to the gym, but on those days that I don’t go to the gym I can’t afford it.

I check out the oatmeal. I don’t really like oatmeal but, once again, my hope is that if I eat it it will stick with me long enough to get me to lunch. I find one that is less than 200 calories. I’ll give it a try.

I bought some string cheese. It’s 80 calories for one single piece of cheese. Who the hell has only one piece of string cheese? I just said, “Fuck it!” and bought it anyway. I may eat it. I may not. It’s one big adventure, isn’t it?

I decided to see what the calorie count was for a regular yogurt. I finally broke down and purchased a four pack. 70 calories per yogurt cup.

I found some individual cottage cheese cups. Of course the ones with fruit were higher in calories so I stuck with the original. 110 calories for less than a cup.

I also found some individual cans of chicken noodle soup. A whole 7 ounces, which is less than a cup once again, for 60 calories.

So tomorrow I’m going to have those egg frittatas- 260 calories. I’m probably going to have a handful of almonds to tide me over until lunch- 180 calories. For lunch I’m planning on taking the soup, an orange, and a pudding. Grand total of calories- 205 calories. I’m taking along 2 pieces of string cheese to eat on a break in the afternoon- 160 calories. I’ll go to the gym after I drop Picasso off. Try once again to complete whatever the task is for Week 7 Day 1 on the 825 calories I’ve eaten throughout the entire day. Then for dinner I guess I’ll have another orange and some cottage cheese. Maybe another not-quite-a-cup of soup. 1060 calories. Not a complete meal to be had. I’m sure I will be delightful.

If I’m told one more time that I’m not really hungry and it’s all in my head I will probably kill somebody. No, when my stomach is burning and growling I am hungry. It is not my goddamn imagination. I know the difference between eating because you’re bored and eating because you’re hungry. When you’ve had one fucking meal all day you tend to be hungry around 6 or 7 o’clock. And when you’ve had one meal all day and you’re finally allowing yourself to eat again only you can’t have more than 800 calories which means you can’t eat anything that looks good to you or you risk going over your calorie count, you’re probably still hungry. And pissed off at the world.

I did a little research, too, because I find this 1200 calorie program to be bullshit. What I discovered through the Google god is that 1200 calories is actually the minimum that women should consume. Anything lower than that and they risk going into starvation mode. For anyone familiar with weight loss you know that once your body enters starvation mode your metabolism slows down, making weight loss more difficult. It also means that whenever you consume more calories your body hangs onto them because it has no idea when you’re going to get another meal. This program says, “Hey! I’ve got a great idea. Let’s take her right above starvation mode. That’ll be fun!”

I’m giving this until Thursday when I go out for sushi with my family. I intend to try it all and to enjoy myself. I’m giving it until then only because I’ve already bought food for this bullshit. After that I’m switching over to low carb. I like that a whole lot better than restricting calories.

They Lie

Have you ever heard people in the health and fitness industry tell you that making small changes can make a huge difference?

Yeah, me too. They’re liars.

Small changes do not bring about anything. Not a pound. Not an inch.

I have a very sedentary life. I work a job where I sit at a desk all day. On top of that we have deadlines, so it’s not like we can just get up and walk around and “unchain ourselves” so to speak. I have gained at least 20 pounds since working in this new department.

In July the mobster introduced me to Pokemon Go. This is a game that involves a lot of walking around. Shortly after I got back from learning about this game I found out that there is a Veteran’s Park about a 5 minute walk away with 7 PokeStops and gyms. Until the weather got colder I walked over to that park twice a day, five days a week, instead of sitting in a break room with my feet up, reading. Sure, there were times I was swamped with work and didn’t get two breaks. There were even times I didn’t get a single break, I’m sure. But the point is most days I walked over and back, twice a day. Five minutes there. Walking amongst all the PokeStops and gyms to spin them. Five minutes back. Twice a day. Twenty minutes. Small change. Did not register a single pound as far as change goes.

Six weeks ago I started doing the C25K program. It’s not strenuous right off the bat but it is more activity than I was doing. Three nights a week I’m exercising for 30 minutes. Small change. Do you want to take a guess as to how much weight I’ve lost? The answer is zero.

The mobster also started the C25K program 6 weeks ago. He also downloaded MyFitness Pal and religiously inputs his food and exercise into the app. He has lost over 20 pounds.

I realize he’s a man and men lose weight more quickly. I’m not even upset about that. My point is this: He hasn’t made small changes. First, he’s running much faster than I am, he completes each running segment, which I don’t, and in addition to that, he has drastically cut down how much he eats. He skips breakfast or has a smoothie. His lunch is usually an apple, and there have been many times he’s gone home and steamed bok choy and kale for dinner. Yes, he mixes that up with something else, but nonetheless he’s not eating much. It’s not a small change. It’s a huge change.

My daughter has lost around 40 pounds since she went back to school in August. She’s working out now and uses MyFitness Pal as well, but the biggest part is she has to cook for herself and she doesn’t. She just doesn’t eat. Another big change.

This idea that you can make small meaningful changes is a big, fucking lie. I’m no better off for walking twenty minutes a day than I was when I was kicking my feet up and reading on my breaks.

I can run a goddamn 5k this April but it’s not going to matter. I won’t be one pound lighter. I can go to the gym 3 times a week and follow this running program or I can sit at home on my ass. I’m still going to weigh the same. Hell, I could probably train for and run a fucking marathon and I would still weigh the same.

I’m not the only one that has experienced this either. We have a weight loss challenge that is going to be starting up soon. One of the goals is to lose 20% of your body weight. The contest goes from March-July 3rd. I was talking to two ladies at work, to see if they were going to join, and telling them about my experience with doing the C25K program and not losing a single damn pound.

The one works out religiously with her husband after work. She changes at work and goes straight to the gym at least three times a week. She even eats vegetarian, and I often see her in the lunchroom eating her raw peppers and other veggies. She still struggles with her weight loss, her cholesterol, her blood sugar, and her blood pressure. She said it’s so frustrating at times. This is not new for her either. It’s been a long term program. She’s been doing it for over a year easily.

Another one said after she had her first daughter she lost a bunch of weight. She was running 3 miles every day pretty much but she still didn’t lose 20% of her body weight. Again, that’s not a small change. Running 3 miles every day is a big change.

And those fucking bitches on the weight loss commercials where they tell you they’ve lost 20 pounds and 8 dress sizes? I hate them.

Years ago (and sadly, I do mean years- Picasso was 2 at the time) I did low carb. I lost like 30 pounds. Would you like to guess how many dress sizes I lost?

The answer is one. One dress size. Thirty fucking pounds and I could say I went down one whole size. Awesome.

At the rate I was going I would have had to have lost 60 pounds to lose 2 dress sizes and 180 pounds to have lost 3. I would have been close to my birth weight if I had lost 180 pounds.

Part of it is how I store weight. I’m not one of those people with a fat ass. I don’t have huge arms or legs. I’m an apple shape. All my fat is stored in my hips, my stomach and my thighs.

When I lose weight guess what’s the first to go? First, it’s the boobs. As we all know that doesn’t help you fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Then it’s a two way tie between my face and my ass. I guess I’m not bothered by my face losing the weight, but even when my already flat ass shrinks even further it doesn’t translate into fitting into a smaller pair of pants. It’s all about the stomach and that shit doesn’t budge.

Thirty pounds and I went down a dress size.

This is all so frustrating. Everyone around me seems to manage. They’re all losing weight. I skip the fries. I try to eat healthier. It doesn’t matter. I don’t lose a fucking pound.

I finally tried MyFitness Pal. In order to lose a pound a week I need to restrict my calories to 1510. It will take me over a year to even get down to respectably fat. I will not meet my BMI requirements and I won’t be anywhere close to where I should be. In order to lose 1.5 pounds a week they take me down to 1260 calories a day and if I want to lose 2 pounds a week I can only have 1200 calories, which seems a little strange to me. The dip is pretty severe from 1 to 1.5, but it’s only a difference of 60 calories to go from losing 1.5 pounds to 2 pounds a week.

The first day I went over by 165 calories even with running. I gave myself credit for 205 extra calories although I didn’t pay attention at the gym because I didn’t think I would be doing this.

I had a package of crackers and a handful of almonds for breakfast. I can’t imagine that having bacon and eggs would be fewer calories, but maybe I’ll be shocked. I had a turkey bacon club, a side of potato chips and a pickle spear for lunch. That was over 400 calories. I only get 400 per meal at this rate. For dinner I ate honey teriyaki chicken over rice. I know I had more than what would be considered a single serving. That’s it. That’s all I had and I’m over my calorie allotment for the day.

There was nothing really fantastic that I had. It wasn’t a ton of food by any means. There was nothing sweet. Nothing that tasted amazing. I didn’t down a whole bag of potato chips or an entire pan of brownies. And yet I was still over. I’m not even on track to lose a pound and a half because remember, the difference between losing 1.5 pounds vs. 2 pounds is only 65 calories. I’m on my way to losing a single pound in a week if I keep this up. I’m also pretty sure that’s only if I exercise every day. Otherwise I’m not even on course to lose a pound.

The second day was not looking much better. I was at the gym for 50 minutes, running and walking. Burned a whopping 356 calories. Came home and had 2 scrambled eggs and 2 pieces of toast with some butter. That was 335 calories. I didn’t eat before I went to the gym around 10:30 so breakfast was really lunch. I had one meal and one snack of Jell-O sugar free pudding- another 60 calories. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner at Chili’s. I had a little over 1100 calories left. I figured I would probably have a bowl of broth and a side salad with lettuce and tomatoes only. No dressing. In my terrible, horrible, no good will possibly come of it mood I was sure that would probably put me over!

Oops- that’s 1400 calories! You’re over for the day.

With a goddamn side salad and a bowl of broth?

Well, the broth did have specks of chicken in it and we added a crouton to your salad. So yes, 1400 calories. Sorry, Fatso. Good luck tomorrow!

I ended up having the 6 oz. sirloin with a half an order of shrimp, the loaded mashed potatoes, broccoli, and a side salad. That was nice, but it came at the price of me being hungry all. fucking. day. long. I ended up having diet Coke instead of a flavored iced tea like I usually get because I couldn’t afford the calories. I certainly couldn’t get a margarita. I had to starve myself in order to go out to dinner, and honestly, if I had gotten up earlier and gone to the gym so that I ending up eating breakfast and lunch, I wouldn’t have been able to eat what I did for dinner. I would have ended up having to choose something that I didn’t want because it was the only thing that fit within my daily allotment of calories.

I HATE this fucking program. Basically it’s, “Hey! You get to be hungry. All. The. Time.” Unless you want to eat bok choy and kale all the time, and I don’t. Nor do I consider a large bowl of broccoli to be a satisfying meal. I hate cucumbers. I do not like radishes. I do not like raw peppers. All of these very low calorie foods I typically do not like. Fruit is not low calorie. An orange is anywhere from 60-80 calories, depending upon its size. That’s almost 25% of my calorie count for each meal. I snack on an orange, I need to reduce one of my meals. And that orange is not going to fill me up for two or three hours.

I get 400 calories a meal and no snacks on this program, unless I exercise. Or, I go down to 300 calories a meal with two snacks a day. There is not one goddamn thing out there that I find filling and satisfying for under 400 calories. I mean, look at my lunch on Day One. The turkey bacon club alone was 400 calories. That’s it. That’s all I get. Then I get to wait until dinner and have myself another sandwich. Sandwich only, though. No chips. No pickle spears. No dessert. No snacks. Hell, not even a celery stick or two. And dip for the celery sticks? Shut your mouth! You don’t get to eat anything that tastes good, or that you enjoy! You’re trying to lose weight.

So much for fifty-fun. I’m a raving bitch when I’m hungry and I foresee being hungry a lot. I did Weight Watchers for a few months before I got pregnant with Picasso. I was always hungry. To this day, eighteen years later, I still remember going out for lunch and getting a BBQ chicken sandwich and telling my mom, “This is the first time since I started doing this that I’ve actually felt satisfied after a meal.”

That brings up another point. When I did Weight Watchers those many moons ago people who weighed more were given more calories, or points, and as you lost weight you had fewer points. Is that how MyFitness Pal works? Because if so I’m fucked. I’m already a cranky fucking bitch at 1200 calories. If I lose 20 pounds (you know, in the next 6 months) and they take me down to 1000 calories or less, I’m going to be homicidal. If you think I’m a bitch now just wait until they tell me, “Guess what? You’re doing so well we’re taking you down to 300 calories a meal! And no snacks!”

I suppose my other solution would be to work out 2 hours every day so I might actually be able to have a side salad with my handful of nuts. Of course I have a full time job and a teenage son who doesn’t drive yet so I’m picking him up two to three nights a week and sometimes am not home for the night until 6:30 or later. Plus he expects me to cook for him for some reason. And that’s always a lot of fun. Cooking for others when you can’t eat because everything in the world besides fruits and vegetables puts you over your daily allotment of calories.

This whole thing is so depressing. First, you realize that virtually everything that tastes good makes you fat. You no longer scan the menu looking for something that sounds good; you look for something with as few calories as possible. So instead of a ground beef burrito you choose rat entrails and shit stew. Because it’s low in calories. It doesn’t taste good. You hate it. But you eat it because it’s the only thing you can eat within your calories. And because you didn’t enjoy it at all, you’re hungry again in an hour or two but you can’t have anything else to eat unless you want to go exercise for an hour so you can have that string cheese to tide yourself over until morning when you can eat an orange and let that get you through until lunch. Hungry. All. The. Time.

Second, you realize that while you might find something that is under 800 calories a serving, the serving size is actually really really tiny and it will come nowhere close to filling you up. Yes, that can of soup you’re going to heat up? That’s actually two servings so either pour half of it out or double your calorie count. I know you thought you were going to have crackers and maybe some veggies on the side but you can no longer afford those. Those grilled chicken Caesar salads that you think are so good for you? Well, those are more like three servings so you need to triple your calorie count! Guess what? You don’t get to eat 400 calories at dinner anymore! Enjoy a cup of broth instead.

Third, you realize you will never have a piece of cake, a bowl of ice cream, chips and salsa, pizza, or sushi ever again. There are too many fucking calories in it so there is no way to have it. period. and be able to stay within your calorie count even if you went to gym at 8 that night and worked out for the next four hours to try to gain some extra calories.

Why is getting fat so easy and getting skinny so hard? Oh, I know. Because exercise is hard and exhausting, and sitting on your ass watching television or writing blog posts is very easy and relaxing. Some food is delicious, like juicy burgers, sushi, chips and salsa, chocolate cake with vanilla icing, meatloaf. Other food sucks, like cucumbers, peppers, plain salads with no dressing. Fat is fun. Skinny is bitchy. It’s starvation and deprivation and a world of bleak gray.

Seriously, I am starting to question whether or not it’s even worth it. I could die fat, happy and young, or I can live to a ripe old age as a cranky bitch.