Getting Through the Anti-versaries

May 2015

Nothing much to say, I suppose.  I could make stuff up.  I got my hair done today.  We’re replacing the air conditioning unit and getting a new humidifier.  Hooray for that!  Now maybe I won’t shock myself next winter!

Yesterday marked the 2 year anti-versry of Zack “confessing” to texting various women.  Actually, it marks the 2 year anti-versary of him being forced to admit he had been texting Harley.

It’s strange how our lives coincide.  My wedding anniversary is in December.  Her wedding anniversary is in December.  My birthday is the same day of the month as her wedding anniversary.  My birthday is at the end of one month.  Her birthday is the end of the following month.  I met Zack at the beginning of May; their affair began right around the same time that our relationship started.  He asked me to marry him on May 7th.  He told his nephew he was going to marry her on May 9th.  He half-heartedly confessed his affair on May 11th.

It takes a lot to stay focused during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all summer, basically, because that’s when it all began.  April through August I have to try to disregard any notice of the significance.  Hell, the day after our daughter’s birthday is the day the bitch basically said:  I’m fucking your husband!  And then I can relax until October, which is when I discovered him telling his nephew he was going to marry his whore.  Then I have about another month before our anniversary comes up and I deal with all sorts of triggers with that.  I’m hoping that this year all is good.

I do want to get to that point where we celebrate our anniversary as a victory.  A celebration of all the years of our marriage, not just the blissfully happy ones.  I want to be happy.  I want to be content.  I see some of these women on blogs who are so angry years later and I don’t want to be that.  If the affair is still causing you significant pain and unhappiness 3, 4, 5 years later (in some cases even more), then maybe it’s time to move on.  For my part I don’t read the infidelity blogs much anymore.  I deliberately pass right over them most days.  It helps, I’m sure, that so many of my favorites don’t write much anymore.  That’s the rub.  They write to heal and once they’re healed there is no need to write…

I feel like I have mostly let go of it.  Today I even gave thought to wishing him a happy anniversary on FB this year. I don’t know if that will happen or not but I consider it progress.

Obviously, I am in a situation where the OW won’t go away and die but I try not to think about her too much.  I think about her affair with my husband even less.  I am trying to keep the crazy hidden and look on the positive side.  It doesn’t always work but I am trying and that should count for something.

I guess I’m done for today.  Or for now.

Present Day Sam Says: I feel compelled to point out that when he originally confessed to texting with various women he really was texting various women. He was a male whore. A serial sexter!

I find it sad how much I wanted to believe the lies I was telling myself. It’s going to get better. We’re going to get through this. I need to trust him. I’m evolving. I’m thinking of it less and less. I’m making progress.

You know, marriage shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t be dealing with all that crap. If you are, your marriage is probably already over. Call it! Time of death- May 2015.

 

More Signs From the Universe That I Conveniently Ignored

May 2015

The whore’s newest picture (picture removed for now). Longer and darker.  Looks like I’ll continue to go short and blonde. I have to say I have been very surprised that my in-laws have not commented on or liked the picture.  Perhaps letting my MIL know she was sending naked pictures to Zack had something to do with that.

In other news it appears she’s now friends with Zack’s niece.  Oh, I just love seeing her gush over the new baby.  So, so glad we’re so entwined.  Even better I love the fact that Zack and I are sending money to pay her rent for 2 months while the whore does nothing.  If you love them so much why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually do something, Harley?

I am never going to get away from her, am I?  She’s everywhere.  My MIL thinks she can sympathize with what I’m going through because of what she went through, but the OW in her case didn’t hang around her family.  That’s the huge difference.  I’ve got everyone that we see when we go to Kentucky thinking she’s just the greatest thing ever.  People come into my home and then turn around and compliment that bitch.  And here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”

Yes, I know I could bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn’t exist. But you know my policy on that.  Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  I mean, if someone let a snake loose in my house even if I couldn’t see it I still wouldn’t feel comfortable until it was caught and removed.  I would never feel comfortable.  I’d always be wondering if I opened a cabinet or stepped down onto the floor if the snake would be there.  That’s just a fact.  I’d be a nervous wreck.  Blocking her on FB is like having an unseen snake roaming my house.  I’d rather know.  I’d rather see what was going on and be prepared.

In my defense, I do not stalk her page often.  I do sometimes wonder if it were someone different, someone everyone on Zack’s side of the family didn’t communicate with, if I wouldn’t stalk her page at all.  I kinda think I wouldn’t. I would have no need to.

The way I see it, Zack and I as a couple are fine.  I don’t think about her much in terms of what she almost did to our marriage.  Yes, I am still haunted a bit by the whole:  I know I don’t want to lose my kids and him telling Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  It bothers me because he does seem so miserable now and didn’t back then. Oh, logically I know it all has to do with the whole fantasy vs. reality thing.  She was new and exciting and promising to fulfill his every need.  It was all fantasy and no reality so she was the perfect woman, doing everything that needed to be done.  I get that.  It still bugs me at times.  Probably because he never sees the need to point that out to his sister when he talks to her and she talks to him and tells him how miserable he is.

And I can sometimes rationalize the FB thing by telling myself it’s no big deal; it doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve got “friends” that I rarely communicate with on FB. I have also been known to accept a friend request from someone I don’t know all that well. So, perhaps that is what has happened here with his niece.  It still bugs me, though.  I’m tired of seeing her wherever I look.  Funny how this becomes my cross to bear when I’m not the one who cheated!

Present Day Sam Says: Oh yeah, I think they were definitely fooling around at this point. He always said he loved my hair when it was longer and darker. I remember this picture of the whore. Someone commented on her weight loss, too. Another sign of an affair. Sign #3? Friending CF’s niece on Facebook. This was Pastor Fake’s granddaughter. Absolutely no reason for Harley to have any contact with her. In fact, she hadn’t up until this point.

I truly believe Harley is one of the most manipulative, fake phony people out there. She and Jezebel will get along wonderfully.

Oh, and this part?  <<<… here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”>>> That was absolutely dead on accurate.

You cannot continue to interact with the whore and honestly say you are rooting for reconciliation between the married couple. They obviously didn’t think that what she, or he, had done was that bad and they obviously were rooting for the two of them to get together.

Stupid Memories That Shouldn’t Ever Be Remembered Again

 

May 2015

Today marks the 21st anniversary of Zack and I first connecting.  It was the day of J’s wedding shower that I was throwing for her at our favorite restaurant and I had retrieved the messages from my voicemail.  I think he was one of 3.  I called and left a message and when he called back I asked him where he had been since in his message he said he was always home.  We talked for quite some time and then I had to go to the shower.  I called him again that evening and we talked for hours and then we met for lunch the next day.  Engaged shortly thereafter.  Let’s see.  May 2nd would have been Monday and on May 7th he asked me to marry him.

Hmmm…. and to think 19 years later, almost to the day, he would be bragging to his nephew about how he was going to marry Harley.  May must be a good month for him.  It’s a little unsettling thinking about how their “anniversary” is right around the same time as mine. Grrr!

But you know what?  I’m not going to pay attention to that.  This is our story.  Not theirs. In the end our story ended with a wedding and 21 years of being together.  Their story ended with him dumping her ass.

Present Day Sam Says: Turns out our story ended up with a divorce that is going to take 2 years to finalize and their story ended up with an engagement ring, tons of marital funds going to her and her kids, and more than likely a marriage the day our divorce is final.

 

And So It Begins…

April 2015

I am freaking out!  But first… I saw this on Pastor Fake’s FB page:  If you’re having sex and you’re not married it’s not called dating it’s called fornication. I had to laugh because Jezebel has had at least 3 affairs. Zack and Harley had an emotional affair and were planning on getting married.  And pretty much everyone in that family has gotten pregnant before getting married!  Holy crap balls!  I don’t care either way.  I’m not against premarital sex.  But really?  You’re going to make this statement and then not follow through in any way, shape or form?

So back to my freakout… as you know I’ve been trying to reconcile the posts where Harley has been liking things on my in-laws’ page.  Trying to tell myself they’re no longer in contact.  Nothing fishy is going on. Well, Tammy Faye is in the hospital again and Zack just informed me this morning that he’s planning on going to his home state to see her this weekend.  He’s staying at a hotel about 30 minutes from the whore’s town, aka Whore Town. Not to mention, since I know the whore contacts my mother-in-law it’s not unforeseen that she could come to the hospital and run into Zack. So, right now I’m trying not to freak out.  I’m telling myself that nothing is going on and that regardless, I can’t stop him.  I am not in control.  If he wants to cheat on me, he will.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  If he wants her instead of me and his kids, then he will not be deterred from getting her. I hate this! I’m not ready to completely trust him. Especially when he’s been like he has been lately- PTSD, anxiety ridden, telling everyone I hate him. Who knows what all he’ll tell his sister when he sees her?  And of course she’ll believe everything he tells her.

I’m back.  Had my doctor’s appointment and went to meet Zack for lunch.  We had a good time.

You know, the fact is I have to trust him at some point.  I’m thinking back to an article I read just the other day where they talk about reluctance to trust because as the old saying goes:  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  It’s hard to be vulnerable again.  And there is a newness to it now.  I never believed he would cheat before.  I didn’t feel vulnerable because I didn’t think I ever had to worry about that.  Now I know it’s a possibility and I do feel vulnerable.

He’s being very loving.  Complimenting me a lot.  If I had to place a bet I would place it on the side of him not still being in an affair with her.  Or anyone else, I suppose.  I have to let go.  I have to trust.  And I need to be honest with him and tell him what I need.  I need him to check in with me.  I need him to tell me what’s going on down there.  I need him to let me know who he sees and who he talks to.

Present Day Sam Says: I fully believe now that he was planning on meeting up with Harley this weekend. I don’t know what made him turn around. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe he didn’t have the courage to go through with it quite yet. But he refused to take the kids with him and that was a huge red flag when he went to the funeral a few months later.

In the end, he did come home. Hooray for me. Needless to say I didn’t need to start trusting him because he turned out to be a big fat lying liar who lies. All the while I’m trying to convince myself I need to trust him he was undoubtedly messing around with the whore again.

Oh Facebook, You Scamp!

December 2014

Am I the only sane one who finds something offensive and disturbing about this? My mother-in-law posts this, obviously about my husband, and his whore likes it and adds her own comments. Does she not understand she shouldn’t be liking anything that has to do with my husband? Does my supposedly loving mother-in-law not see anything inappropriate about her son’s whore liking something having to do with her son? I guess not. I continue to shake my head in amazement.

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Okay, in full disclosure this was not what was posted on Tammy Faye’s wall. But again, I haven’t yet learned how to do those cool black out bars so I just have to improvise.

In this same month I also got to see: Happy Anniversary. Love you guys! on their anniversary and Happy Birthday, Pastor Fake! I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you lots!

Present Day Sam Says: I wonder if she even bothers to comment on their pages now since she doesn’t have to convince them she loves them so much and she’s the better partner for him.

Probably. She and Jezebel both live their lives through Facebook. I don’t know what they would do if Facebook suddenly went offline. How would everyone know how perfect their lives are? How would everyone know how much they love everyone? How would they know about all their wonderful deeds. Whoops! Strike that one. They don’t really post about the things they’ve done for others. Only how much everyone does for them and how happy they are and how perfect their lives are.

More On Grieving the Affair Partner

October 2014

Yep, reading another blog. This one is by a cheating spouse. Says he’s remorseful but it seems like he spends most of his time grieving the loss of his affair partner. At one point he was asked if he had feelings for her and he replied that it was one of the most intense and exhilarating, I believe, relationships he had ever had. As his wife I would have been pissed and beyond hurt. I can truthfully say that if Zack actually ever felt that way about Harley he was smart enough to never admit it because let me tell you… If he had, I would have been outta here. If you’re so in love and heartbroken then just go to her. Let’s see if you miss me. Let’s see how you feel when she’s the only one you’ve got and there is no wife at home doing your laundry, cooking your meals, taking care of your children, taking care of you. Let’s see if she’s so wonderful when she’s the one having to do all of those things. When she’s cost you a relationship with your kids.

I will say Zack has made it seem like even though he told her he loved her he now realizes he never did. At one point he told me he thought he talked to her and shared with her the way he wanted to do with me. He referred to her as his midlife crisis. Even when I asked him, a little less than a month after D Day, if he missed her and he admitted he did, he was careful to say he missed talking to her and hearing about family. He tried to be clear it wasn’t her he missed so much as it was what she represented.

I am thankful for all of that. I honestly don’t think I could stay and try to work through things if he was pining for her and acting like she was his true love, his soul mate, the one that got away. I was sincere when I told him I deserved to have someone who loved me. And I would not want to live my life knowing I was second best, or that as much as my husband may profess to love me there was always that one person whom he loved even more.

Present Day Sam Says: Experience has jaded me. If you’re grieving your affair partner then you have no business being married. Leave your spouse, let him or her find someone worthy of them, and go roll around in the gutter with the immoral shithead who thinks it’s perfectly fine to fuck a married person.

Not Letting the OW Take Up Head Space

August 2014

I’m finally back and ready to discuss not giving the OW anymore headspace. And healing.

Here’s the funny part. I usually feel like I’m pretty well healed. It was a short affair. Even the most dire of the so-called experts say it takes anywhere from the length of the affair to twice the length of the affair to heal. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe some say 3-5 years. But really? For a 3 1/2 month long emotional affair where they supposedly never met up in person? Twice as long would be 7 months. 3x as long would be 10 1/2 months. But I digress. As I said I usually feel healed. I read other affair blogs and I see the pain so many of them are going through and I don’t have that pain.

Shawn’s blog was started a year after her D-Day and she likes to talk about her road to happiness. She advocates, after a year of insanity on her own part, focusing on your relationship and putting the other woman out of your mind. I wonder sometimes what that would feel like. I don’t check up on the whore that often anymore. Nothing new and even if there were I couldn’t see it. I do still check to see if she has commented on my in-laws’ page. I can’t seem to let the pain die. I tell myself it’s because it’s good to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Don’t let yourself be ambushed.

I wonder what it would be like to just forgive and forget. To pretend that seeing my mother-in-law tell my husband’s whore that she was sooooo pretty, knowing she was the whore that tried to break up my marriage, wasn’t painful. To pretend that his sister encouraging him to leave me for the whore was forgotten and completely understandable. Honestly, I don’t see that happening.

I wonder what it would be like to trust him 100%, to still be stupid and naive and believe he would never cheat on me. I hate the fact that I get jealous now. I don’t feel it’s a sign of a healthy relationship. I hate wondering if one of his female colleagues is going to catch his eye, or more likely, that they’ll strike up a friendly relationship and it will turn into something more. And when I tell myself all I have to do is blow his mind I get mad at myself. Isn’t that just manipulating through sex?

I tell myself to observe how he treats me now- the adoring texts, how he says he thinks about me constantly, he always wants me, the way he’s willing to give me anything I want. He’s made more effort to be involved with the kids and he’s gone away on vacation with us *three* times now since April. He compliments me. He says he wants to marry me again. And yet, look at the second paragraph. I still preface everything with supposedly, or, so he says, or, if he’s being truthful.

I would like to believe it whole heartedly. If I think back to how things were before he confessed the first time I would say that he definitely treats me better and I don’t think he’s still messing with her. But if I look at the second half, the actual longer part of their great love affair, I can’t tell. Because I thought things were getting better and the reality was he was still hot and heavy with her.

I don’t know that I will ever be able to leave it completely behind. Just today as I was reading a blog I started to feel very melancholy. The writer was questioning why her husband chose her after spending more than 2 years fucking her best friend. Why is he so sad now, thinking he may lose her. I can identify with that. He says he called her and ended it after getting off the phone with me. I had made it clear I wanted him to end it via text so he could show me. Instead I have her text which makes it sound like she ended it. I don’t have the satisfaction of seeing in black and white the words: It’s over. I choose my wife. I love her. You were a mistake. You’re not worth losing my wife and family. No, instead I remember him replying, “I know I don’t want to lose my kids,” when asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids. And his lame text where he’s basically agreeing with her instead of taking a stand.

How could he tell her he loved her and wanted to marry her and then just suddenly change his mind? How can he tell his sister our marriage is dead and Harley makes him happy and he loves her, and then say, “Oops! My bad! Turns out I love my wife after all,”? Intellectually I know it’s all about the affair fog and affairs not being real relationships. But emotionally I can still tell myself it’s because he really did love her and he’s only here for his kids.

So, this is what I wrestle with a year later, almost 2000 miles from where it happened, in a new house and him in a new office, not the one where they texted and sexted for months. I’m soon going to be driving a new car, one that no longer holds memories of me raging against him or his family. Do these things matter? No, not really. I could have happily lived in the house where it happened, had him go into work every day in the office in which it happened, and not felt a thing. The cars don’t bother me either, although I do need a new one. I suppose I just keep trudging along, healing a little bit more each day. I know I’m not ready to forgive and forget. I know I’m not ready to trust 100%. I’m not ready to completely kick the whore out of my headspace. And that’s all ok. I’m getting closer every day, and if this is as close as I get then I’m fine with that.

Added later: I forgot to add I still have all her pictures on my phone. I still have her picture listed in my contacts for all of Zack’s family. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to part with that.

Added about a month later: Rereading this brought up the concept of pain shopping. When I first heard the term I thought it referred to shopping, perhaps recklessly, to dull the pain. No, it refers to going back to or searching out things that will hurt you. Like going to the OW’s FB page. Or your in-laws’ FB pages. To see how they’re interacting with one another. I suppose that’s true. I’m sure my relationship, at least with his mom and stepdad, would be better if I had never read them fawning all over my husband’s whore. But, me not seeing it doesn’t stop it from happening. Do I really want to be played for the fool again? I’m all- Oh, we’re one big happy family. So glad we got past that nasty affair business. And they’re saying- Oh we are, too. We love you! All the while they’re buddy buddy with the whore and I’m just an idiot who thinks I mean something to these people who obviously prefer his whore to his wife. I would prefer to know. I don’t wish to be ambushed anymore. I’ve had enough holidays and special events ruined thanks to being clueless. I don’t wish to have superficial relationships with people who remain in contact with the whore. That’s like saying I would have been better off not knowing about the affair. I’m better off not knowing about the affair and my husband’s betrayal, and I’m better off not knowing that every fucking person in my husband’s family thinks the world of his whore. Yes, because living a life where I’m constantly being lied to and humiliated sounds dreamy.

A Year Ago Today (Or Rather Back in 2014)

The title is misleading. It’s referring to a date in May. This is August. However, I am just going in order with these and so far I am only up to entries from May of 2014. Enjoy!

Blast From the Past 40

May 2014

A year ago today my husband told me he had been texting other women. Lying to protect his precious whore. Acting like there were many and she was nothing special. A year ago today, the moment he admitted he knew one of them and he said her name I knew she was trouble. A year ago today my life began a downward spiral and it would end with me finding out my husband either continued his tawdry little affair, or searched her out again after a short period of time because “he missed her”. It would end with me finding out he had been lying to me for 3 1/2 months and that they really really liked each other, and they had talked of a future together and they told each other they loved one another. Eventually I would find out he bragged about marrying the bitch whore. It ended with me realizing how disloyal my husband’s family could be, even after almost 19 years of marriage, and with me distancing myself from his family. We may be doing better as a couple, but my relationship with his family will never be repaired. There are just some things you never recover from, and it’s too bad they don’t realize that until it’s too late. A year ago today he cried and told me he didn’t want a divorce. And then went behind my back soon after and started up with her again. A year ago today really sucked.

Present Day Sam Says:  Dear Sam, Just FYI, August 2015 is really going to suck hard, too! And you can pretty much write off the entire summer of 2016. Love, Future Sam

The Problem With Positive Triggers

I am busy unpacking, folks. I’ve been in the middle of writing a great blog post for about a week now.  I just can’t seem to find the time to get it done.  Maybe later on tonight. For today though we’re going to take another walk down memory lane.

Blast From the Past 33

April 2014

I was reading about positive triggers, things that should be a good thing but which instead make you feel bad. I get it. My husband tells me often how much he loves me, how good I look, how much I turn him on, how I’m his entire world, the only thing that is good, how good I am to him, how wonderful I am and how he could never keep up with me or do everything I do. These should all be good things but I sometimes wonder if he’s telling the truth. Or I wonder, “Why now? Why am I so fantastic now when only months earlier he was telling his sister how miserable I made him, how our marriage was dead and how Harley made him happy and he was in love with her and he wanted to marry her?” Did he always feel that way about me and we just let our relationship fall apart, or does he suddenly have a new appreciation for me since I told him he needed to choose because I wasn’t going to be jerked around anymore?

And those questions beget more questions. Like, why on earth did I even allow him to choose? Why didn’t I just tell him the choice had been made and since he was so in love with his whore he could have her? I don’t know. I guess because I didn’t want to get a divorce. I didn’t want to be a statistic and I didn’t want to destroy my kid’s lives. And honestly, things are good now.

It makes me realize though that even if I wanted to go back to his home state with him, I couldn’t. It would be far too humiliating. All those people, knowing he cheated on me with her. Thinking I’m weak and pathetic for staying with my cheating husband. Wondering what was wrong with me or what I did to cause him to stray. Knowing they all love her and think she’s wonderful, and probably would prefer him being with her instead of me.

I’ve said before I don’t think his sister really supports him staying with me. She decides she’s unhappy, finds her next husband, has an affair with him, divorces her current husband, and then gushes about finding her soul mate and her best friend. She doesn’t understand having an affair for any reason other than to get out of your marriage. Well, maybe one other reason. Nonetheless, it must have been very confusing to her, having her brother go on and on about finding true happiness with his new soul mate, thinking I was on my way out, and then he does a 180. I’ll always believe she thinks he simply got cold feet when the truth came out and that he chose duty over true love. Or in simpler terms, while she believes you should do what makes you happy instead of worrying about doing what’s right, she thinks he chose to do what he thought was right instead of what would make him happy.

Maybe she is correct. Maybe he chose honor and duty over love. Maybe he chose his children over his soul mate. If he did he seems to be making the best of it. He’s fairly convincing when he tells me he loves me and that I’m his world. Then again, he did spend 3 1/2 months lying to me and I didn’t know.

Editor’s Note: I still have the texts that flew back and forth between us after he was caught the first time; I printed them out and they are all there in black and white.  Man, he is convincing when he tells me I am his first choice and that he made a horrible mistake.  I think it’s pretty apparent though that he stayed out of duty, and possibly not wanting to divide up his shit. You don’t run back to the whore you almost destroyed your marriage for at the first sign of trouble if she wasn’t the one you wanted all along.

I would say I was an idiot, but I’m going to go with: I gave it my best shot. I did everything I could to preserve my marriage and my kids’ way of life. What happened after that is all on him.

Mistakes Made On D-Day #1 (or #2)

Blast From the Past 24

March 2014

It’s very difficult to find blogs that deal with emotional affairs. Most of them focus on physical affairs. I have found one though, written by a couple, and it’s amazing how many times I’ll read something and think, “That’s exactly the way I feel!” So anyway I came across a few entries talking about mistakes made upon discovering an affair and tough love. It makes me think about what happened when I found out the first and second time, and what happened in between.

When he “confessed” the first time I was simply stunned. It came out of nowhere. I was so stupid and naive. He cried and promised he wouldn’t have anymore contact with any of them anymore. I had no idea that he was pretty much lying when he said he had been texting multiple women but I was smart enough to realize Harley was a problem because he actually knew her. He wasn’t texting multiple women; the others he was referring to were people he corresponded with on a public message board. Editor’s Note:  I now know that’s not true.  There was at least one other person he sexted with and he probably was sexting with two other women like he originally said. Maybe more. He was texting Harley. It was extremely serious. They were declaring their love for one another and talking about marriage. He tried making it sound like she was one of many and that it was no big deal. I never had the guts to ask what they were texting about. I stupidly believed it was over because he said it was. And I figured I would never get answers to my questions. Even when I felt like something was off, like when she was liking his picture on Jezebel’s page, or when she was liking the sentiment of “don’t worry about doing the right thing; do what makes you happy,” or when she was posting all of her inspirational crap on her own page that just screamed, “I’m waiting patiently to steal your husband!”, I still didn’t put the pieces together. He came back and her picture was all over the house and everything was picked up and the very next day she blocked me. I must have suspected something but I kept hiding my head in the sand. But I never had to be told to back off and let the affair play out because I honestly didn’t realize he was still involved with her, and I sure as Hell didn’t know how serious it was.

After I confronted him in June and he told me he didn’t know if he still loved me and threatened me with divorce if things didn’t go back to the way they had been (and I guess part of that would have been continuing his affair) and I kept pushing for changes I figured that maybe he had been in contact with her up until he came home to her picture up all over the house. I honestly could believe she blocked me because he had finally called it off and she was mad. How stupid of me! But I never questioned him. I never pressed for answers. I never brought her up. But again, it wasn’t difficult because I had no idea in my oblivion that they were still carrying on their affair. I was focused on not pressuring him, yet showing him I loved him, and trying hard to reconnect and strengthen our marriage.

My second D-Day changed all that. I was confronted by her husband who was telling me it was still going on. At that point I didn’t even know if it had ever ended. And I had a birthday party to throw. That was the day I put tough love into play. I was FURIOUS! I learned from my past mistakes and this time I demanded answers. I wasn’t going to pussyfoot around this time. You tell me everything and you tell me NOW! I don’t care how badly it hurts; I want answers. I faced everything head on and I told him to end it NOW! I asked him how long he thought I was going to put up with this and told him I deserved to be happy, too; I deserved to be with someone who loved me and wasn’t stringing me along. I told him to get his head out of his ass and to make a choice because I was done.

That was the day he finally ended it. And I sincerely believe it was because I truly was done and he knew it. I wasn’t putting up with anymore of it for one more second. You want to keep fucking around with Harley? You think she’s the love of your life, your soul mate? That’s fine. Then you get out of my house and leave me alone and you go to her. There will be no more of me taking care of you and doing my damnedest to meet your needs while you get your ego stroked by her. Pick one. And if you pick her you better remember neither I nor your children will be here. She’s going to have to meet ALL of your needs now. I was dying inside. I kept thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to get a divorce. He’s going to leave me for her.” I had no idea how it was all going to play out; I just knew I couldn’t deal with the status quo any longer. I couldn’t walk around on eggshells. I couldn’t continue to live in a marriage where I wasn’t loved and didn’t know if he was going to leave me once our youngest graduated high school or college, or once we moved closer to her. I think maybe the biggest difference was that this time I knew he was involved with someone else. I don’t know if I would have tried so hard if I knew he was still texting Harley, and certainly not if I knew they were saying I love you and talking about marriage. Before I thought we had simply lost our way and needed to find each other, rediscover being a couple. I didn’t know there was someone else. Maybe I didn’t want to know. But once I was confronted with hard evidence that there was someone else I said oh Hell no! I’m not sitting on the sidelines while you fuck around with your whore. You can have her or you can have me, but you can’t have both!

I think that was the shock he needed. He saw me pissed. He saw me fighting for us but also not willing to be a doormat. Suddenly life with Harley was no longer a secret fantasy; it could become a reality and then she would be in the position of no longer being fantasy woman but a real life wife. All that talk and all those dreams would be put to the test. Now they both would have to live up to all those promises they’d been making to one another. Their relationship would no longer be a secret; it would be out in the open and put up to scrutiny from family, friends, co-workers, and their children. If they were unhappy it would no longer be because of their horrible spouses; it would be because of themselves. During their affair I’m sure they only showed their good side to one another. Once I was out of the picture Harley would now have to deal with all his quirks. And he would have to deal with all of hers.

I suppose the fact I was leaving for a week also helped because he experienced what it would be like without me and the kids. He says he feared I wouldn’t come back. In several texts I told him to go be with her. When he confessed to telling her he loved her I told him I didn’t know if I could do this. When I found his old message to his nephew I told him to book a flight and go find her and be with her. I think (hope) he realizes there will be no more second chances. Tough love, baby; tough love!