The First Anniversary After Filing For Divorce

December 2015

I didn’t have the heart to write yesterday although I looked fantastic!  Seriously- got my hair done, did my makeup, dressed up, wore some kickass boots.  I ended up taking the kids to Olive Garden up in, of all places, Whore Town.  Yes, I spent what should have been my anniversary dinner up in Whore Town, My State.  I figure the kids were the best part of the marriage so why not celebrate with them.

Rock Star did end up getting me a gift.  She bought me flowers and candy and a gift certificate to the nail salon.  I’ll have to tell her she doesn’t need to keep recognizing the date.  It’s insignificant anymore.

There were a few tears but overall I think this year’s anniversary was better than the last two.  The last two were spent trying to convince myself that the marriage wasn’t a sham.  This year I didn’t need to keep up with the charade.

I talked to his sister, not Jezebel, today.  Well, texted anyway.  She said he is in shock over the amount I’m getting.  I’m not sure why.  It isn’t that much different from what he’s already paying.  It is definitely more than he wanted to pay, though.  And hey, if he doesn’t move out by February 1st then I’ll get an extra $750.  I almost hope he stays!

 

Turning the Corner While the STBX Chooses Door #2

June 2015

Welcome to the Summer Solstice!  Longest day of the year.  I took the girls to the mall today and dropped them off to let them shop.  I went to see Spy with a friend and her husband and then we picked the girls back up and my friend and I lounged on the patio and in the kiddie pool, drinking the rest of the wine we had opened up last night…

In other news I remember reading that it generally takes 18-24 months to fully recover from an affair.  I have come to believe that’s pretty much spot on.  I also think that’s IF you recover.  The last few weeks I have been in a much better place.  I really have no desire to read the infidelity blogs I used to follow.  I don’t have much of a desire to see if Harley has posted a new picture or if she and my in-laws are conversing. I mean, it’s not totally gone but it’s not an overwhelming need either. I say this despite the fact I just checked up on her a day or so ago.  Who knows?  I may never stop checking up on her.  But she keeps her page private so I can’t really see anything.  She did post a picture of a vet with PTSD who has a sign asking for advance notice of fireworks going off near the 4th of July.  Maybe she’s just very civic minded and it has absolutely nothing to do with Zack.  Maybe she knows I still stalk her and she does it to get a rise out of me.  Or hell, maybe they are still fucking around.  I can’t control it though so I don’t dwell on it.  I can’t imagine that he would be willing to spend $53,000 on a pool only to have to put the house up for sale when we divorce.

I think I have been doing a great job of not dwelling on dates or what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Sure, 2 years ago I posed for a picture with Zack and the kids and posted a Happy Father’s Day message only days after being told he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and while he was declaring his love for his whore.  But, this is 2015, not 2013.  As Elsa would sing, “Let it go!”  And so I am.  You will not defeat me, you whore!

I don’t even think much about Jezebel and all the crappy things she has done. I try not to think about the fact that my in-laws gush and fawn over the whore.  I’m simply trying my best to be Zen and accept that which I cannot change….

OK, I’ve got to get up in the morning so I’d better go.

Present Day Sam Says:  Joke’s on me! While I’m finally turning the corner, accepting what was done, trying hard to move on and “focus on the future” he was hot and heavy with a whore.  Turns out he WAS willing to throw money into a giant pit in our backyard.  The entire time that pool was being built he was messing around with Harley, sending her money even and buying her and her kid iPhones and then taking on the cell phone bill.

And again I’m so busy being open minded and Zen that my brain should have tumbled out of my head.

As if that wasn’t sad enough I was having a really good time at this point. I was back in XX state and having a wonderful time seeing my friends again. It felt so good to visit our favorite restaurants, to be part of something, to be busy and active and vibrant once again. I’m feeling better and he’s plotting to leave me for a whore.

 

Getting Through the Anti-versaries

May 2015

Nothing much to say, I suppose.  I could make stuff up.  I got my hair done today.  We’re replacing the air conditioning unit and getting a new humidifier.  Hooray for that!  Now maybe I won’t shock myself next winter!

Yesterday marked the 2 year anti-versry of Zack “confessing” to texting various women.  Actually, it marks the 2 year anti-versary of him being forced to admit he had been texting Harley.

It’s strange how our lives coincide.  My wedding anniversary is in December.  Her wedding anniversary is in December.  My birthday is the same day of the month as her wedding anniversary.  My birthday is at the end of one month.  Her birthday is the end of the following month.  I met Zack at the beginning of May; their affair began right around the same time that our relationship started.  He asked me to marry him on May 7th.  He told his nephew he was going to marry her on May 9th.  He half-heartedly confessed his affair on May 11th.

It takes a lot to stay focused during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all summer, basically, because that’s when it all began.  April through August I have to try to disregard any notice of the significance.  Hell, the day after our daughter’s birthday is the day the bitch basically said:  I’m fucking your husband!  And then I can relax until October, which is when I discovered him telling his nephew he was going to marry his whore.  Then I have about another month before our anniversary comes up and I deal with all sorts of triggers with that.  I’m hoping that this year all is good.

I do want to get to that point where we celebrate our anniversary as a victory.  A celebration of all the years of our marriage, not just the blissfully happy ones.  I want to be happy.  I want to be content.  I see some of these women on blogs who are so angry years later and I don’t want to be that.  If the affair is still causing you significant pain and unhappiness 3, 4, 5 years later (in some cases even more), then maybe it’s time to move on.  For my part I don’t read the infidelity blogs much anymore.  I deliberately pass right over them most days.  It helps, I’m sure, that so many of my favorites don’t write much anymore.  That’s the rub.  They write to heal and once they’re healed there is no need to write…

I feel like I have mostly let go of it.  Today I even gave thought to wishing him a happy anniversary on FB this year. I don’t know if that will happen or not but I consider it progress.

Obviously, I am in a situation where the OW won’t go away and die but I try not to think about her too much.  I think about her affair with my husband even less.  I am trying to keep the crazy hidden and look on the positive side.  It doesn’t always work but I am trying and that should count for something.

I guess I’m done for today.  Or for now.

Present Day Sam Says: I feel compelled to point out that when he originally confessed to texting with various women he really was texting various women. He was a male whore. A serial sexter!

I find it sad how much I wanted to believe the lies I was telling myself. It’s going to get better. We’re going to get through this. I need to trust him. I’m evolving. I’m thinking of it less and less. I’m making progress.

You know, marriage shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t be dealing with all that crap. If you are, your marriage is probably already over. Call it! Time of death- May 2015.

 

This Still Makes Me Sad

For approximately 15 years I had a grape motif in my kitchen, and for approximately 15 years I had all sorts of grapes on top of my cabinets. Grape pitchers, baskets with grapes on them, birdhouses and planters with grapes on them, glass grapes, plastic grapes. Grape everything! When we moved into our new home there was no room on top of the cabinets to put all of my grape stuff. At some point shortly after moving in I suddenly got the great idea to put all these plaques with their little inspirational and humorous quotes around my kitchen. Rock Star liked to tease me because she said I didn’t even believe everything I put up. Eventually I had them all over the house. I liked them. It made it feel homey.

There is a store in town that sells everything, including those inspirational signs. I’m almost certain I bought a few signs from them, too, and hung them in my old house. Now, every time I go into the store and pass by that section I feel sad. It represents my old life, the life I lost, the life that was wrenched away from me.

I think I’ve come a long way from my initial move just over 13 months ago but it still tugs at my heart strings when I see that. I can’t seem to tell myself that one day I’ll have that again. I only see what I lost. It’s such a little thing and yet the emotions associated with it are huge. I’m not sure any amount of happiness will ever make up for all that he took from us and wash away that moment of sadness.

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I’m Taking It All Back

I wrote recently about not being held hostage by dates of significance any longer. I’ll go one step further. I refuse to lose one more thing due to him and his disgusting behavior. All those songs I said I couldn’t listen to? Over it! Places we went? Things we did? Rewind and reframe! As a commenter on Chump Lady wrote a few years ago:

…early on, when I was still so fragile and still navigating the divorce process and it’s aftermath, we had a standing half-joke: “Re-Write” when we would do something fun or take a trip in a place that had once been “special” for X and I and/or our kids. We realized that we were writing a new ending, writing a new story for those triggers.

That’s where I want to be. That’s what I plan on doing. In the very beginning when the wounds were fresh I wasn’t sure what to get rid of what, what to stop liking, It felt like anything that had even the slightest relevance to him had to be excised from my life. One of my favorite cities? Could I still like that city? Singers and movies that he had turned me onto? Do I continue to be a fan or do I ditch them?

I know it seems strange to think I even had to worry about any of this because he so seldom spent time with us. Many of my memories involve my kids and other members of my family, but not him. Time spent at Yellowstone? He wasn’t around. That vacation up in Idaho? Nope, he didn’t come along. Gymnastics meets? Most of them were attended by me and me alone. Most of our marriage involved separate memories so this should be easy enough, right?

I’ll admit- the songs were hard ones to take back. So many songs that reminded me of him. Songs that we danced to at our wedding or his sister’s wedding. I Swear. Amazed. I loved those songs before they became significant parts of my history; I will love them again. Just Give Me a Reason by Pink. All of Me by John Legend. Those were the songs of the summer of ’13 and ’14. The first was the song I clung to, hoping that our marriage could be restored after I found out about Harley. The second was the song I thought described us once we had “reconciled” and were “better than ever”! Now though, they’re just songs.

No, that’s not even accurate. The mobster sent me the lyrics to “All of Me” recently, not knowing the history behind the song for me. He said that it reminded him of me. What’s even crazier is that I was driving not that long ago when that song came on. It made me think of him. I could listen to that song and not think of the lying, cheating, victim morphing poopy head I had married, but instead could envision this new life with this new guy. A guy who appreciates me. Who thinks I’m wonderful. Who offers to call the doctor’s office for me when I’m frustrated. Who buys me polar bears.

Days after I found out my husband was once again cheating on me, when he would leave every weekend to go spend those days with the whore, I could do little but watch TV and play Candy Crush. My brain couldn’t anything more challenging than that. I was watching “Baby Daddy” and it was the episode where Brad proposes to Bonnie. He assembled a flash mob and they all sang that song to her. I remember having to fast forward through it because I could not handle listening to it. Now, however, that song- All of Me- has been reclaimed by me. No more switching the radio station. No more avoiding it on iTunes.

Need more examples of things I’m taking back? He was a huge Elvis fan. I’ve seen most of his movies, had “Love Me Tender” as our first dance at our wedding, and visited Graceland at least six times. Here’s the thing. I liked Elvis even before I met the shit eating chimp. I wasn’t as obsessed with him as CF was, but I liked him. So Elvis stays. I’m not going to banish everything Elvis because of CF.

While visiting Graceland the first time I fell in love with Memphis. I love their barbecue, their fried dill pickles, their zoo, their humidity, the music, and Beale Street. Memphis is mine. I might have only fallen in love with the city because he was around to take me but I was the one who actually suggested we visit Graceland since CF was such a huge fan. He wanted to go to Gatlinburg and going to Memphis as well never crossed his mind. I love that city and I created many fantastic memories there. He doesn’t get to steal that away from me.

I cheered for his favorite college basketball team for years. I knew I was in trouble if they didn’t win early on when he threw my foot off of his lap when they lost a buzzer beater game. My mom said they always said a prayer that his team would win. My kids, or at least Rock Star, still like the team. I don’t have any hard feelings against them. However, I think it’s more fun rooting against them because I know how much he hates it when they lose. That one might be a toss up. I did put a curse on them in the early days, declaring that they would never win another national title. We’ll see how that plays out.

Sadly, there aren’t many other things I need to reclaim. Trips we took together? I think I can probably count on one hand the number of trips we took together: our honeymoon, Memphis/Gatlinburg, Disneyland, Moab, and the Grand Canyon/Four Corners. Yes, those are memories I made with him. They’re still mine.

Our honeymoon was a cruise. I had a fantastic time and would love to go again. He’s not taking that from me. Our next vacation was to Memphis and Gatlinburg. I would also love to take my kids to Memphis and let them see Graceland. I’d love to take them to Gatlinburg. Both of my brothers have gone with their families and they love it. Just because I went there once, many moons ago with CF shouldn’t mean it’s ruined forever more. Nope!

He almost ruined Moab for us. He pricked his hand on a cactus and that was the end of that. He went into panic attack mode. Silent mode. Oh my God, the sky is falling mode. Back at the hotel he suddenly decided he was dehydrated. Then needed me to hold him and stay beside him in the bed at the hotel room. That was fun times for the kids, let me tell you. The next morning on our way to breakfast he was still acting like he just couldn’t bear to be out in public. I finally lost it. “We’re going home!” I declared. I promptly called up the tour guide company and canceled our rafting trip and our HUM-V tour. If he couldn’t even make it out to breakfast he wasn’t going to be able to do any of that with us and I sure as hell wasn’t paying over $100 per night to sit in a damn hotel room with him while the kids looked on miserably. He ended up begging me to reconsider. I remember him looking at me in the restaurant and asking pitifully, “Are you going to leave me?” I should have taken the bait and said, “Hell yes! This is no way to live!” but I didn’t. I told him I wasn’t but that he wasn’t allowed on anymore family vacations with us. He ended up remaining behind in the hotel room while my niece and my kids and I all went white water rafting and did the HUM-V tour.

You know what? We had a blast! We didn’t let him stop us or ruin our vacation. So that “family” trip? That’s my memory with my kids. He did eventually go to one of the parks with us but that was the extent of his involvement.

He was on his best behavior when we went to Disneyland and then the Grand Canyon and Four Corners. He was in a good mood. He was fun to be around. He seemed like he had a genuinely good time. I don’t think he ever really had a problem. He just… I don’t know. Wanted attention? Hated seeing us happy? Didn’t ever want to leave his bedroom and felt this was a great way to achieve that? Hell, maybe he figured if he acted like a big enough douche we wouldn’t want him to come with us and we’d stop asking. Who knows? I don’t care anymore!

I say this because it is obvious he is perfectly capable of going on vacation and doing things when he wants to do them. I’m sure he and the whore have gone on many an excursion together. I would bet some serious money that he didn’t play this bullshit game with her when he went. It’s amazing how quickly having an affair can cure you of everything that ails you.

For the longest time seeing pools made me sad. I had finally got mine and it was abruptly taken away just like that. I spent more time waiting for it to be constructed than I actually got to use it. The thought of having another one made me sick to my stomach for a long time. Now? Hell yes I want another pool. And this one won’t be dependent upon that dipshit. I’m not going to let what he did to us kill my dream of one day having another pool.

So that’s it. Things I did and enjoyed with him, I’m going to continue to enjoy. Things I liked I’m going to continue to like. Songs I once loved I’m going to love again. He’s taken enough away. No more, Satan! No more.

My Letter to Tammy Faye

Note:  This is a letter I wrote to Tammy Faye but never sent.  In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t because they had probably already started messing around again.

April 2015

Dear Tammy Faye,

You said you maintain contact with my husband’s whore because she’s family.  You also tried to reassure me that you didn’t think they had ever met up in person and actually had sex.  As I said to you, some days I wish they had simply met up and fucked each other’s brains out and that was the end of it.  It would hurt.  It would be disgusting.  But it would have been simply about sex, and nothing more.  Unfortunately, what I have to deal with is their emotional affair and those types of affairs can be even more dangerous.  This is how one website put it:  Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

I have heard it said that an emotional affair is just an affair that has yet to become physical.  I am sure that if they hadn’t been caught it would have only been a matter of time before they found a way to meet up and take it to the next level.  I have no doubt that if they hadn’t been caught that he would have continued flying out to see you every 2-3 months and eventually they would have met up and began a physical affair as well.

Even without sex there was a lot that went on between the two of them.  I don’t even know the full extent of it because he deleted all of his texts and FB messages between the two of them as soon as I found out. From talking to him this is what I do know:  I know they told each other they loved one another.  I know they talked about a future together.  I know she asked if he thought my kids would get along with her kids. I know she asked him if my kids would like her. I know when Zack was going to get his tattoo and he was going to bring her along that she was going to get a tattoo of a sparrow on her foot to represent their true love.  I know they talked all the way to work every single day.  I know he texted her on the weekends when he went to the coffee shop by himself.  I know they talked an awful lot about sex and did a lot of sexting.  I know that she cried when he ended it, and when I asked him if she really thought he would leave me for her he told me that yes, he really thought she did.  I also know that The Saint found out they were messing around again and when Zack asked what she was going to do about it she told him that she wasn’t going to do anything because she didn’t care if her husband knew or not.

You seemed shocked when I mentioned Harley sending naked pictures to Zack all summer long so I’m not sure how much Zack went into detail when he confessed to you what he had done.  My guess would be that he tried to make it seem as innocent as possible, maybe like it was just the two of them texting completely innocent stuff back and forth and maybe enjoying one another’s company too much.  But that’s not what happened.  If you’re going to continue to interact with her “because she’s family” then I think it’s only fair that I get to tell you everything that happened between them, at least as far as I can get out of Zack.  He hasn’t exactly been forthcoming on the details and his story changes quite often.  But so far, this is what I have.  And again, all of this (or at least most of it) is according to Zack.

In May of 2013, the day before Mother’s Day, he was sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack.  I asked him if he was ok and he said he wasn’t.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me he couldn’t tell me because I would hate him, so I told him to tell me what he had done.  At that point he “confessed” that he had been texting other women.  He didn’t say what they were texting to one another.  Again, no details.  But I did ask him who they were, to which he replied, “I don’t really know two of them; I know them from online.  I only know one of them.”  So I asked who the one was that he did know and that’s when he told me it was Harley.  “Harley Buttwipe?  Your cousin?” I asked him.  He said yes.  I was absolutely shell shocked and had no idea what to say or do.  I remember crying and him asking what he could do, promising he would end all contact.  I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he assured me that he didn’t.

At that point I had no idea what they were texting about.  I had my suspicions, but also knowing Zack it could have been something as simple as him confiding in her about his marriage and him feeling guilty.  And believe me, there were many times I tried to convince myself of that.  I had no idea who the other women were but I suspected they were people that played Words With Friends or Pop Song with him.

Turns out I was wrong.  I wouldn’t find out until October that there were no “women”.  It was one woman.  Harley.  The other two he mentioned were simply women who had posted to an internet forum.  They posted innocent questions about their problems and he, along with many other people, had replied to them.  But in order to make the situation with Harley sound less ominous he decided it would be better to make it sound like she was one of many women he was texting. I was wrong about this. He let me believe there had been no one else but Harley; however, I ended up finding one of his other sluts- Anne. There had been multiple women he was sexting. Also turns out that only a few days prior to confessing what he had been doing he was messaging his nephew on Facebook to see if he could bring a guest with him when he got his tattoo.  He was telling him he was going to marry her.  I know this for a fact because I copied and saved his messages to him.  He told him he couldn’t say much because he had to protect the young and innocent but that one day he (his nephew) would be related to her, this mystery guest. And finally, I would later find out that the only reason he “confessed” was because The Saint and Harley had gotten into a fight.  I’m assuming because he had found the text messages between the two of them.  The Saint sent me a FB message to tell me they were having an affair and told Harley about it when they fought.  Harley then turned around and told Zack what The Saint had done.  Zack got onto my computer and deleted the message from my email and my FB and then blocked The Saint so he couldn’t contact me, and then supposedly broke things off with her for a short time.

Backing things up a bit, he told me later in August when The Saint clued me in to the fact that Zack had been lying to me and cheating on me all summer long, that it had started in late April/early May.  He says that when she posted her profile picture, the one where he told her she looked fantastic, that they weren’t messing around then but that it was the beginning of it.  He says that he asked her how her life was and she told him it wasn’t that rosy.  When he inquired why she told him her marriage wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, that her husband had put her into bankruptcy several times.  He commiserated with her and shared his own unhappiness.  At some point she told him that she could envision a future with him.  Apparently, the fact that her knight in shining armor was married with two kids wasn’t a deterrent. He “confessed” to me on May 11th and had already been telling his nephew he was going to marry her by the 9th. Not only did I learn from those messages between the two of them (the nephew and Zack) that she was going to go with him to get his tattoo and she was going to get one as well, I got to see the picture of the tattoo she wanted.  As I said earlier, she wanted a sparrow on her foot to represent the true love that the two of them had found with one another.  No more than 2 weeks and she was planning on tattooing a permanent symbol of her love and devotion to him on her body.  That’s not something I would call nothing.

He would later admit in August that he had broken things off for about 2 weeks and then he reached out to her again, telling her he missed her.  And according to him she told him that she missed him, too, and she thought she would never hear from him again.

I was completely clueless.  I didn’t want to dwell on what had happened and I didn’t want to make it out to be a bigger deal than it was.  At that time I wasn’t even completely sure of what had happened.  I didn’t know if they had been sexting, if they were simply talking, if he was feeling guilty because he enjoyed talking to her or had been confiding in her about his marriage.  I had no clue. I certainly didn’t think she was sending him naked pictures or that he was in love with her, or that they had been talking about getting married.  Things seemed to get a little better, but then, of course, once he started up with her again they began to deteriorate.

Zack was going to go to Jezebel’s wedding by himself and I noticed that Harley would like things on his wall.  She was always posting inspirational quotes on her page.  Jezebel had posted a picture of Zack in his East Dull uniform and thanked him for his service over Memorial Day weekend and was bragging about how wonderful he was and Harley had liked that which I thought was very strange.  I couldn’t figure out why she would be liking anything having to do with my husband after he had dumped her.  Stupid me.  It turns out it was because they were once again madly in love and back together.

I remember him telling me shortly after he confessed to texting her in May that he wanted the Whoreville plant.  He said he could visit you more often.  I remember telling him that he could always stay in our former state and fly out to see you every few months but to stay away from Harley.  He never said a word.  As the day he was to fly out came closer I felt more and more anxious.  There was a knot in my stomach and I wondered if she was going to be at the wedding, if they would be there together. I kept envisioning the two them using the wedding as their debut as a couple, only no one would know the truth except Jezebel and Husband #3. Everyone else would just think it was two cousins catching up.  No one would question them dancing together, eating together, laughing together, even going off someplace together.  I told him I would miss him and to be good and he just kinda blew me off. He didn’t keep in close contact while he was gone; I got maybe one text a day. He texted Harley just as much, if not more, than me, and while I have no proof of this, I’m sure he sent her the same pictures of the wedding that he sent to me.  Afterall, she was supposed to be the one there with him.  I barely ate the entire time he was gone.  I had no appetite.  I cleaned the house and made sure everything was perfect when he came home.  And then I printed off copies of her profile picture from FB (the one where he thought she looked “fantastic”) and hung them in different parts of the house.

He came home and the very next day she blocked me on FB.  I definitely thought something was up at that point.  Realistically, the only way she would have known I was even looking on her FB page was if Zack told her.  And when I went to try to block her I found her husband’s name in my list of blocked contacts, which I also found to be strange.  Now, obviously I should have figured it out at that point but my mind was making up all kinds of scenarios in which they were no longer fooling around.  Maybe they had still been in contact but when he came home and saw the pictures he called it off and she got mad and blocked me.  Maybe he had called it off when he was there.  Maybe she was mad because he didn’t get together with her when he was back home for the wedding.  I tried to tell myself anything but the truth.  But here’s what I believe to be the truth now.  I think she was tired of waiting for Zack to leave me.  He was telling her he loved her and wanted to be with her, that they had a future together and our marriage was dead. But, according to him, he had also told her he would never leave his kids.  When he told her I had put her pictures up in the house I think she figured that was her chance to tell me about the two of them without actually telling me.  She knew that if she blocked me it was as good as waving a banner with the words:  I’m still screwing around with your husband, in front of my face.  I honestly believe she expected me to confront him and that either I would throw him out, or I would demand he choose between the two of us and she thought he would choose to leave me and go be with her, his true love, his soul mate. He may have told her that he would never leave his kids but I wouldn’t be surprised if she figured that if I left him it wouldn’t matter whether or not he was willing to leave his kids.  His kids would already be as good as gone if I left him and then he would have no reason to not be with her.

I told my friend J what had happened and she told me that it wasn’t good and urged me to set up my own bank account and transfer money into it.  Instead, I made an appointment with a marriage counselor.  It took me a week to work up my courage to tell him and once I did he refused to go, as I predicted.  We had a huge fight that night.  I confronted him and asked him why she had blocked me.  He played dumb and said that was between the two of us and he had no idea.  When asked if he was in contact with her he lied and said no.  When I asked if she had been at the wedding he said no.  When I asked if they had made plans to meet up he lied and said no.  I asked him what all they had talked about when they had texted and he refused to tell me, saying he didn’t want to get into that. I don’t remember everything that was said but I do remember going into the house, crying.  Later I talked to him in our room and told him I thought we could happier than before.  He told me it had been too long and it would just be weird to be happy with me now.  I remember telling him that he had told me he loved me and said he had always loved me only six weeks earlier, and then asked if he still loved me and that’s when he told me he didn’t know.  He told me he cared about me and that I was a good mother but he didn’t know if he loved me.  He also told me that he wanted things to go back to the way things had been, with me doing my thing and him doing his.  Well, I know I was pretty involved with PTA, Bunko, and the kids, but the only thing I can think he was involved with was Harley, so apparently I was going to keep doing PTA and Bunko and he was going to keep doing Harley.  And if I couldn’t do that then he didn’t know what he was going to do, tacitly threatening me with divorce.  I told him I wasn’t giving up on us and he just kinda shrugged.

I think it’s apparent why I believe Harley blocked me in hopes of egging on a confrontation.  I sincerely believe if I had confronted him and accused him of being involved with her and then made him choose, he would have chosen her at that point in time.

Interestingly enough, he would later tell me that that was the day he knew he still loved me.  He said it made him realize that I cared.  Interesting still because I have asked him if the problem was I didn’t get hysterical enough in May when he first confessed to being involved with Harley and he always says no.  Editor’s Note:  No, he was finally getting his fucking Ego Kibbles!

It also turns out that the weekend I was taking Rock Star to Regionals for gymnastics and he was telling me he loved me and always had (only six weeks prior to our confrontation), he was busy sexting with Harley.  Telling me he loved me and then turning around and telling her all he wanted to do to her. I also realized that during Teacher Appreciation Week when he was gushing over all that I do and how incredible I was he was involved with her.

So, after our ugly confrontation where my husband tells me he doesn’t know if he still loves me or not I set out to win him over and show him that our relationship can be better than ever.  I was incredibly stupid and did not realize he was still screwing around with his whore. I spent the entire summer in a hot garage listening to rap music with him.  We would fool around or even have sex and then he’d turn around a few hours later, walk out our front door, text Harley good morning and then he would call her and they would talk all the way to work. Every day he would tell her he loved her.  He never once said those words to me.  I went 3 1/2 months without ever hearing him tell me he loved me because he was too busy telling her that he loved her.

Despite the fact that he refused to say the words, and I wouldn’t say it because I didn’t want to pressure him, things did seem to be improving.  When he flew home in July while he was out east for a business trip I didn’t feel anxious.  When Jezebel posted that picture of her and Zack together I waited to see if Harley would like it.  When she never did I figured that she was finally out of our lives.  Oh, how stupid and naive I was.

Then came August 14th, the day of Rock Star’s birthday party and the day I read the message from The Saint, asking me if I had a good lawyer yet.

I called Zack on my way home from the store and told him I had received a message from Harley’s husband.  He asked me what he had said and I told him.  Then I asked him why I was receiving messages from him.  That’s when he finally admitted that they were still “talking”. I asked him why he would do such a thing when he knew how I felt.  His answer was that they really really liked each other and they had a lot in common.  I told him she was just a fantasy and asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids over to which he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  I asked him what they talked about and he asked me what I thought they talked about, to which I replied, “I think you talk about sex, and how much you love each other, and how much you want to be together.”  When he didn’t say anything I asked him if he wanted to tell me that I was wrong, and he told me I wasn’t wrong.  So right there he’s admitting they love each other and they’re planning a life together.  At that point the fact that they talk about all the sexual things they want to do to one another doesn’t really matter.  And it was pretty much at that point that I figured he was going to leave me for her.  I remember him telling me that I had known he hadn’t been happy in years and me replying that that wasn’t all my fault- I had begged him to go to counseling. I had begged him to do stuff with us. I had even suggested we start doing a date night since the kids were older and could stay at home by themselves for a while.  I also asked him if he thought having an affair was going to make things better for us. At one point I pointed out to him that he was going to have four step kids and asked him if he was ready for that and if he was willing to give up being a full time father to his own kids to raise hers.  Reminded him that those kids might not welcome him with open arms since he was responsible for breaking up their parents’ marriage. I told him several times to end it with her, to send her a text ending it and to show me that he had sent it.  He kept saying he didn’t know what I wanted him to do.  Finally I said, “I’ve told you 3 times.  End it!  Send her a text message ending it and then show it to me.  That’s what I want!”  I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know (so much for knowing he was in love with me since June!) Finally, towards the end I told him that he wasn’t the only one that deserved to be happy.  I deserved to be happy, too, and I deserved more than being with someone who was just killing time with me until he could divorce me once Picasso was out of high school or college.  So either send her the text message and show it to me as proof, or I’m done.  I can’t keep going like this.

I hung up the phone and called J.  She asked me if I thought he would do it (send the text and end the relationship).  I told her no, I didn’t.  I honestly thought I was headed towards divorce.  She told me that I needed to call my mom at this point and I needed to let her know what was going on.  As I told you back at the house I tried two or three times to get ahold of her but I never did.  I’m assuming it’s because she was busy making funeral arrangements for my stepdad.  An hour or so later he texted me that he didn’t want to lose any of us and then eventually he texted and said he would send her a text message ending it.

According to him he called her as soon as he got off the phone with me and told her The Saint had contacted me.  She asked him what they were going to do.  He told her he couldn’t do this anymore and that’s when she began to cry.  He waited a few seconds and then told her he could never leave me, said goodbye and hung up the phone.  She later sent him a text message telling him that they could not be.  It wasn’t right to break up two families.  She was dying because she had hurt her children so much and had hurt the man who had stood by her through thick and thin and kept the vows that she couldn’t.  She told him she was deactivating her FB account and begged him to never phone, text, or email her again.  She told him, “Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Make it work.”  That was the text message he sent me to prove that they had ended it, or more specifically, that he ended it.  His message to her was along the lines of:  At first I was mad at The Saint but what he said is true and what you say is true, too.  I’m going to go home and try to repair the damage and try to be the man I’m supposed to be, the father I’m supposed to be, the husband I’m supposed to be.  Don’t call or contact me either.  And this was also the text exchange I had asked him about and wondered why, if he had already ended it, she felt the need to send him that sort of text.  She didn’t need to tell him they couldn’t be if he had already ended it.  She didn’t need to tell him to leave her alone, practically begging him to not contact her, if he had already made it clear that it was over and he was done with her.  But he insists he had indeed ended it and he said he believed she sent this to save face, or to make it more real to herself.  When questioned why he played along with it instead of reminding her that he had already chosen his wife he said it was because he felt bad for hurting her.  Yes, the whore of 3 1/2 months who got involved with him knowing full well he was married with kids was owed more compassion than the wife of 18 1/2 years.  Instead of concentrating on the fact that he lied and humiliated me all summer long he was concentrating on the fact that she was hurting, supposedly because he had ended things with the woman who was not his wife.

There were many questions I had while I was back home with my family and I asked most of them, I believe.  But it’s hard to get a clear answer.  Or, was.  We don’t ever talk about it now.  He would say on one hand that they had talked about a future together and he thought she really believed he would leave me for her, and then on the other hand, when asked when he was planning on leaving me he would tell me he never planned on it.  I don’t know if he was going to have me killed or he was hoping I’d die of a heart attack or something, but when pressed he will swear he never had any plans to divorce me.  Then again, I’ve asked him if they talked on the phone much and he had said no.  Then he says they talked on the phone all the way to work every day.  Oh, well, I mean in comparison to how much we texted we didn’t talk on the phone a lot, he would explain.  Did you have plans to meet up with her any of the times you went home?  No.  Oh, except for the time she was going to go with me when I got my tattoo and she was going to tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize our true love.  Except for that time.  She worked all the time.  It was hard to get away.  He’ll tell me their plan was for him to move everyone closer together and then he turns around and says he didn’t want the Whoreville plant for her; he wanted it for him.  The fact that he started planting seeds to be sent to Whoreville only a week or so after he started screwing around with Harley is just an odd coincidence. Were you two declaring your love for one another by the time you went to Jezebel’s wedding.  No.  Oops, looks like he was already talking about marrying her in early May.

I didn’t find out about the messages between him and his nephew until October 23rd.  And as I told him, I couldn’t figure out why that threw me for such a loop when I knew they had talked about a future together, knew they had told each other they loved one another.  But I finally realized it was because he had spent so much time making me think it was nothing, no big deal, or that it was something small that just snowballed into something bigger, a gradual deepening of feelings. In fact, he had told me once when I asked when they first said they loved one another that he couldn’t remember because it didn’t happen all at once; it was a gradual thing. The reality, the TRUTH, was it was extremely serious from the first moment they decided to fool around.  It was never a situation where they talked dirty to one another and thought of it as nothing more than a little harmless flirting, or attention from someone other than their spouse who wasn’t giving them what they wanted or needed.  No, pretty much from the moment he told her she looked fantastic and she admitted to him that her marriage wasn’t doing so well they were setting a course that would end with them dumping their spouses and being together.  When asked who started it Zack has said it was him, that he’s the one that told her she looked fantastic and it took off from there.  But I have no idea who made the first move to make things sexual. I do know that she was the one who first said she could envision a future with him.  I don’t know if they talked about it (sexting) first or if one of them just shot off a naughty message to the other one and it went from there. In fairness, I also know that he was the one that asked her for pictures and she obliged.  What I also know is that there was never a moment where it was simply “fun” or a distraction.  It was always about them being soul mates, about them being in love, about them having a future together.  She was asking him how our kids would get along, for crying out loud!  Asking him if my kids would like her! That’s not a person who is thinking this is some harmless fling.  This is a person who has decided her life is with this other man, a man already married to someone else.

So perhaps you understand better now why it’s so difficult to watch as you and everyone else interacts with her as though she’s done nothing wrong.  She almost destroyed my marriage. I say she almost destroyed my marriage and not that the two of them did it together because I firmly believe that the gloves came off when she blocked me; I will always believe she took that step to coerce a confrontation between me and Zack because she thought either I’d toss him to the curb once I found out about them or he’d leave if pressured by me to make a choice. I also don’t think it was an accident that her husband found her phone TWICE.  One time I could chalk up to being careless.  But the second time?  You’ve either got to be stupid or want to get caught, and despite my dislike for her I don’t believe she’s stupid. I think that once again she was planning on having other people do her dirty work for her. If Zack wasn’t willing to leave his kids for her then maybe she could get me to leave him, thereby taking his kids, and his excuse for not being with her, away. Zack doesn’t think she knew The Saint had contacted me again but I’m not so sure.  I definitely don’t think she would have told Zack if she had found out.  The last time she did that it ended with him breaking it off, and Zack said the reason The Saint contacted me was because he wanted it to stop and Harley refused to end things with Zack. I guess he figured if I knew about it then maybe I could make it stop. I just look at what she said when Zack told her I knew:  What are we going to do? Not, what are you going to do, Zack?  It was what are WE going to do now?  Remember, her husband already knew and she had made it clear to Zack, and probably to The Saint as well, that she didn’t care if he knew.  She had no intentions of stopping. Her future, as far as she was concerned, was with my husband.  Now that I knew, her question wasn’t what Zack was going to do but what were the two of them together going to do. My guess is she was waiting for him to tell her he was going to file for divorce immediately so they could be together.  She was probably thinking they needed to figure out the logistics of who would move where.  Would she move to our state, or would he move back to his home state? I believe that if Zack had left me she would absolutely have left her husband and jumped in to take my place; I think that was her plan all along.  They may never have met up and had sex, or so Zack would like me to believe, but it was always a very serious relationship.  It was not two lonely people who were seeking comfort with each other.  It was two people who were absolutely convinced they were soul mates and meant to be.  He told Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  And her husband, from the very beginning, was treating this not like some random affair but an affair where they were planning on leaving their spouses to be with each other.  Both times he contacted me it wasn’t to tell me, “Hey, they’re fooling around!”  It was always, “Get a lawyer.” I asked Zack once why The Saint thought I’d need a lawyer and he said he didn’t know, but I think it’s because The Saint actually saw the text messages and saw how serious it was between the two of them.

It is difficult for me to completely put it out of my mind and concentrate on our future together because she’s always there.  He chose the one person that would never go away and that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.  I can’t completely concentrate on the future because I don’t feel like I have all the answers about the past.  I’m always waiting for someone to call me up or email me and tell me things I don’t know.  Waiting for someone who does know what all went on to slip up and say something he or she shouldn’t, and then once again, I’ll go through all of this again.  It makes me nauseous to see my daughter’s name right beside hers when they both like something you or Pastor Fake have posted on Facebook.  Back in the summer, before I knew how serious things were and when I was still so stupid I didn’t realize they were still carrying on, it would make me want to vomit when I saw both of our names beside something you or Pastor Fake had posted.  It was like, “Oh look, Zack’s whore and his wife both like the same thing.  Isn’t that cute?”  And that was before I knew they were still in contact and telling each other they loved one another!  It is difficult every time I see her commenting on your FB page, telling you and/or Pastor Fake how much she loves you and that you are two of her favorite people in the world. It’s difficult watching as everyone fawns all over her, telling her how pretty she is, especially when they also know she was fooling around with Zack all summer. And it was downright enraging to see her agree to pray for my husband while he was in the hospital. We don’t need her prayers and she needs to stay the hell away from my husband. She has a window into my life every day. Every time you mention something about Zack or my kids she is aware of it and what’s going on.  According to Zack she never told either of her sisters about the two of them, so any time you share family news with them I’m sure they’ll mention it to her in passing, never having a clue that they were an item not long ago.  It is difficult because I never know where she might turn up.  I didn’t go to Zack’s niece’s baby shower because I figured Harley had been invited and I didn’t want to chance running into her. I never know if she will turn up at a graduation, a birthday party, a holiday dinner. Quite honestly, there have been many times I figured everyone would just as soon Zack left me for her because everyone preferred her.  I figured everyone was cheering for her and letting her know how sorry they were that Zack had dumped her and gotten back together with me.  I have stayed away out of self preservation.

And I’ll admit one other thing to you.  It’s not just that every time she would post a new picture that either you or Pastor Fake or both of you would either like it or tell her how amazing she looked that upsets me.  It’s the fact that neither of you did that for me.  I may not have changed profile pictures every other week like she did when she was carrying on with my husband, but I did post pictures.  Some of me.  Some of me with the kids. Shoot, I posted a picture of my new haircut, which not only was a huge change for me, but was also the first new profile picture I’d posted in probably 2 years.  I got nothing.  Once, Pastor Fake asked if we had been in a mud bath.  And another time you told me that my hairstyle looked flattering on me.  Honestly?  That felt like one step up from, “Wow- you don’t look nearly as hideous as you usually do!”  That was probably not the way you meant it, but that’s the way it felt in light of all the “Beautiful!” “Gorgeous!”  “You’re so pretty!” comments that my husband’s mistress received from you.  I get asked if I’ve been in a mud bath and Harley is told how incredibly beautiful she is. Over and over again.  I figured after you had told her that in September that you were probably hoping Zack would dump me, his ugly, fat, hideous wife and marry Harley, the beautiful, thinner mistress.  Why would he want me?  And there came a time shortly after that where I took every single picture of myself down off of Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to look at me.  I felt ugly and inferior.

I’m getting off topic here.  My main purpose in writing this was to tell you what went on between the two of them.  You appeared very shocked to hear that it was anything other than some innocent (or maybe not so innocent) texting.  I don’t have complete knowledge of everything that went on but I do know enough to know it wasn’t innocent and it wasn’t just texting.

I want you to know that I do love you.  I’ve always loved you, pretty much from the moment you asked to talk to me on the phone that first time. And I would love for our relationship to go back to the way it was before, but I’m not sure how that’s possible.  I have been struggling with accepting the fact that everyone loves her and thinks she’s fantastic despite what she and Zack did, for almost 2 years now. Unfortunately, I don’t care how wonderful she might be.  I don’t care if she donates half of her salary to the poor, if she reads to illiterate children, saves the whales, and recycles. She will never be anything more to me than the person who sent my husband naked pictures all summer long, who told him she loved him and could envision a future with him, and who talked about all the things she’d like to do to him and all the things she’d like him to do to her.

It’s For the Best

There are few phrases coming out of cheater’s and their enabler’s mouths that I hate more than that one. It’s for the best. It all worked out. They’re both much happier now. They have more compatible partners. It was a blessing in disguise.

Fuck that! You know what? I am happier. The mobster is a much better match for me. He makes me happier than CF ever did. I am ecstatic that I no longer have to deal with his never ending list of issues or his constant unhappiness that can never be satisfied. I am glad I’m closer to family. I have realized how incredibly strong I am. My kids are thriving.

Those are all things that happened in spite of what he did to us!

He didn’t have an affair to make me happy. He didn’t have an affair so that I could see how strong I was. He didn’t have an affair so that his kids could be resilient. He didn’t have an affair to “free me from my burden of being his wife” or so that I could meet the love of my life. He didn’t have an affair so that I could move closer to family and the kids could be around their cousins. No, he had an affair because he wanted to. Because Harley the Whore was available and eager to spend our marital assets in exchange for her services. The only person he was thinking of was himself. He didn’t give a shit about our happiness. It was all about his happiness.

He never once considered us or what his selfish choices would do to our lives. So no, he doesn’t get to say it all turned out for the best. None of his sniveling enablers get to say it either. My kids and I, we found happiness and we thrived despite what CF and Harley did to us. I can assure everyone reading this that we were not even a blip on his radar when he made the decision to resume his affair with Harley.

That’s the sad reality with cheaters and their enablers. If they can point to the end result and proclaim everyone “so much better off” then they don’t have to consider all the horrible things that were done. They can ignore all of that.

“Oh, you were forced to move out of your home, forced to move out of the state, and had to tear your lives apart once again? La la la la la la la… I can’t hear you! All I see is happy kids and a happy ex-wife. (Of course, the most important factor is that CF and Harley are happy.) Nothing to see here, folks. Just rainbows and unicorns. All is well.”

Yes, I’m sure John Walsh is thanking his lucky stars that his precious sweet Adam was kidnapped and murdered. After all, it led to such a lucrative television career. When a child is missing in a store and they lock it down it’s now referred to as a Code Adam. How great is that? An ode to his child that never would have happened had a child predator kept his disgusting hands off that innocent six year old child. It all worked out in the end, right?

Bullshit!

I’ll go one step further. None of them- CF, Harley, Jezebel, Tammy Faye, Pastor Fake- care whether or not we’re happy. The only ones who matter are CF and Harley. I would venture to guess that they would actually prefer I be miserable, seeing as how I made poor pitiful CF so unhappy. I was such a horrible wife and person I deserve to live steeped in unending misery. The fact that any of us are happy only serves to assuage whatever tiny sliver of shame they may feel. Hell, probably not even that because I don’t think those people have a conscience. No conscience= no guilt, no shame.

So yeah, I’m finally happy. I’m not where I want to be yet but I’m on a path. I crawled through the bowels of Hell to get to this point. Almost two freaking years after finding out my husband is a lying, cheating, backstabbing, disrespecting piece of crap who uprooted me and my kids for a piece of gold digging, jailbird ass. I cried more tears in these last two years than I’ve cried in the rest of my entire life. I was completely broken. I lost almost everything. So many times I wanted to lay down and die. I kept going for my kids. That was the only reason because I sure as hell didn’t see a future for me. I dug myself out of this living grave, bit by bit. So when he or one of his cheater apologists want to tell everyone it truly was for the best and we’re both so much happier with our new partners (see Sam, he did you a favor!) I want to take a sledge hammer and smash their faces.

We’re all happy despite your cheating son/brother. My daughter was miserable for months. I went to Hell and back. We emerged from our misery; we fought back and we prevailed. Cheater Boy never had one moment of discomfort. He never had to comfort crying or disappointed kids. He never had to look them in the eye and answer their questions. He never had to watch as their lives as they knew them completely disappeared. He wasn’t around for the goodbyes. He wasn’t around for any of it. He chose a whore and her kids over his family. He was busy playing family with them so he didn’t have to deal with any of the fallout of his cheating. He went from the comfort of his former home, his wife, and his kids directly into a new home that he shared with Harley and her kids. When he left our home he chose to go; he wasn’t forced out, unlike us. He shed his old life like a snake sheds its skin. Out with the old; in with the new. There was no loneliness. He wasn’t discarded. He didn’t have to wonder if he was so hideous and unlovable that he would be alone forever. He didn’t have to wonder what would happen to him or his kids. He didn’t wonder what some other man had that he didn’t, didn’t have to wonder what made me turn to someone else. He never had to doubt his worth. He never had to wonder how he was going to support himself after fifteen plus years out of the workforce.

No! He cut me off financially, threw over $30,000 Harley’s way (while she cheated on him!), lived like a child free bachelor, used our home as an extended stay hotel, let me pay all the household expenses while he used the remaining money to play Sugar Daddy to the whore and her hooligans, sauntered off every weekend to fuck his whore, and created a brand new life that didn’t include his wife of 20 years or his teenage children.

To this day he refuses to do the right thing. He only paid his back support under court order and the threat of having to pay me an extra $10,000. He made one additional full support payment back in April. Since then he’s done nothing but play games. He hasn’t paid the equivalent of even one month of support.

I can assure you that any positives that have occurred since the napalming of our lives has been an oversight by CF. I’m fairly certain he wanted to destroy me. I sure as hell know he didn’t give one flying fuck about my happiness or his kids’ happiness.

Happiness was achieved in spite of him and Harley, not because their affair was some divining rod that brought bountiful blessings. So neither he nor anyone in his fucked up family get to say it was all for the best, or that it all worked out. I can say it. My kids can say it. He never gets to say it. He didn’t do what he did to make us happy. He only cared about himself and the whore.

CF, you and your entire family and fucked up friends can all take your chipper, “It’s for the best!” and shove it up your ass.

Another Bad Day Back in 2015

March 2015

Today is shaping up to be a bad day.  Yesterday was not hot either. I called about getting a loan for a pool finally.  Found out, as expected, that we can’t do a home equity loan because we just bought the house and don’t have the equity needed to get one for the pool.  So, we’re left with a personal loan.  To borrow the full amount would end up being a payment of $850 per month.  No fucking way.  So, I ask about how much stock he has because he had said he would do whatever was necessary to make sure we got the pool.  He has around $30,000 he can cash in; that doesn’t take into consideration the taxes, which he thinks would be around $10,000.  We would still need to take out a loan for the rest of it. A $20,000 loan would amount to a payment over 7 years of about $340.  That’s doable, although I hate the fact we’re paying that on top of depleting all of his available stock.  I’m still debating whether or not to go through with it, and it all hinges on whether or not the loan goes through. There’s also the fact that we have no idea how much of our savings is going to go towards taxes, if any, because we don’t know if we owe or not.  And there’s also that pesky little business about his week long hospital stay in the psych ward and not knowing if insurance will cover it or if we’ll be paying on that for the rest of our lives.  So that was my plight yesterday, and yes, I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are not that big.  It’s not a problem at all, simply a disappointment.

Today I’m in a slight funk just thinking about how embarrassing my situation is.  Everyone involved with Zack knows what he did.  I’m sure they look at me and think, “What did she do wrong?  Why did he cheat on her?  What were her failings?”  I’ve got his best friend spying on my FB page and reporting back to him.  I’m sure he and his wife got a great laugh over the fact that Zack cheated on me, and of course, I’m painted as the crazy one.  He’s perfectly sane and I’m a nutcase.  A nutcase that deserved to be cheated on.

I’m sure everyone in his family knows he cheated.  I’m sure they’re all talking about it and why I deserved it and how much they love Harley and wish he had chosen her.  I mean, why bother to have an affair if you’re not going to leave your wife?

I’m so tired of feeling humiliated.  I’m tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.  Zack somehow is a fucking saint and I’m the awful person.  Maybe I should go off and fuck some guy and then *I* could be the good guy!  But no, I have a moral compass and my moral compass says no sex with someone other than your husband. So I guess I get to remain the bad guy because we all know only the cheaters are the good guys.  And I continue to be humiliated and embarrassed by the fact that my husband cheated and it’s the topic of conversation with all his friends and family, while no one on my side knows what he did, with the exception of 3 people.

I’m tired today.  I’m tired and I’m depressed and I’m in a shitty mood.  He swore this move was going to be a positive.  It was exactly what he needed.  And he’s been unhappier here than I’ve ever seen him.  We made promises to our kids and we are slowly breaking all of them, one by one. I did not move 2000 miles away from my friends and uproot my kids’ lives so we could downsize and give them less.

I’m really pissed about this pool.  I’ve been telling everyone we’re getting one and now that it’s go time there’s a distinct possibility that we won’t get one. Who’s going to come visit me now?  Hey, we have a quilt museum! Or, if you don’t mind getting in the car and driving 30 minutes to an hour we can go visit some caverns. And if you’ve got some cash to spend on a hotel room in DC, that’s only 2 hours away but if you don’t spend the night you’re going to miss out on a lot. But as far as BFE goes?  Yeah, there’s nothing.  Absolutely nothing. I can take you down to where the food trucks are. That’s exciting.

And while I’m in bitch mode I’ll just say it.  This is not my dream house.  We bought this house because we could put a pool in the back yard.  If we’re not going to put a pool in then I would have preferred the house over on Diamond.  That was my dream house.  It was gorgeous.  Marble entryway. A larger hallway.  A kitchen that had an island and a breakfast bar AND space for a kitchen table.  We don’t have that here.  We have to eat at the island or at the dining room table in the dining room. No kitchen table.  That house had amazing views of the city.  We have no amazing views.  The master bedroom was bigger and had a sitting room, plus the bathroom had a separate jetted tub and shower, as opposed to my discount hotel shower/tub combo.  The family room had a built in wet bar.  The enclosed porch was big enough for a table and chairs plus a hammock.  It was gorgeous out there.  We have a small square closed in porch.  It fits a table and chairs.  That’s it.  No hammock.   Then they had a much bigger hot tub, also on the deck, and a separate deck off the master bedroom. And they had 2 fireplaces. I really really liked that house.  The only drawback was the backyard and not being able to put a pool in.  And the kids would have gone to Whoreville City schools so Rock Star wouldn’t have the friends she has now, but does that matter?  I mean, she wouldn’t know she had lost anything.

So anyway, I’m in a house that I think is ok.  I don’t hate it but I also don’t think it has a single feature that makes you say, “Wow!”  It never made my top 3 list of houses I thought I would pick when looking online, although I will admit that when we walked through the first time I did like it. I bought this house that is ok because it had a large backyard where we could put a pool in.  We chose this one over the house in D because 1. someone else was going to bid on it, 2. it was not fenced in and we were going to need that, and 3. lack of storage space.  We chose it over the one on Diamond because of the backyard.  That was pretty much it.

OK, I think I’m done bitching.  Maybe.  I’m still pissed about the pool.  And I’m still furious that I have to deal with the humiliation of being cheated on. And I don’t like being talked about like I’m some nutcase or like I deserved to be cheated on.  But, I’ll get over it, I’m sure.

Present Day Sam Says: I’m not sorry I bitched about him and the humiliation I felt knowing everyone in his family knew I was cheated on. I am sorry I bitched about my house.

I grew to love that house. I turned it into a home. I turned it into our home. Then he turned around and destroyed it.

I’m also slightly sorry about bitching about my pool. In hindsight those worries are so insignificant and at the time they were in the forefront of my mind. But as I’ve frequently said it’s not like I would have emerged from this situation with any more cash. He would have cashed in even more stock and handed it over to Harley and the hooligans.

Things Left Unsaid That Should Have Been Said

March 2015

What do I wish I could say to him?  I don’t know if I can even get it all out.  I think I’d start with this:  You aren’t the only one whose mind races with bad thoughts, or has bad days or wants to stop living.  How do you think it feels knowing that you told your sister, everyone who would listen probably, how awful I was, how unhappy I made you, and then turned around and gushed over how happy Harley made you, how you loved her, she was your soul mate?  Do you know what’s it like to know that you will never gush over me like that to anyone?  You only tell them how awful I am, how I hate you, and how I’ve neglected you.  Do you have any idea what kind of trigger you talking about being happy is for me?  I really think she is your true love, Zack.  In the 3 1/2 months you were messing around with her you never needed to be put into a psych ward, you never had an anxiety attack, you weren’t depressed.  You say you realized back in June that it was me you loved and wanted but you kept up with her.  You couldn’t let her go and you never once felt bad about it.  You weren’t wracked with guilt.  You weren’t short tempered or anxiety ridden about your double life or your lies.  You were HAPPY!  And ever since you’ve ended it you’ve been a mess.  So really, why did you stay?  I gave you an out.  I’ve given you several opportunities since then to tell me you made a mistake, that you stayed for honor and duty but that you love her.  You won’t take them but you continue to be miserable with me.  You continue to throw me under the bus to your sister and to anyone who will listen.  You never defend me.  You never talk about how much you love me.  Only what I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all.

Do you know what it did to me when I read you telling your sister that you never should have tried to be happy?  I’m right back there on the day I found out about the two of you.  I’m right back there to the day you sent me the text “that ended it” which was her text to you, and I’m left wondering, why, if you had already ended it, was she texting you this drivel?  Why did it seem like she was calling it off?  I read your happy remark and immediately I began to think, “See, he never wanted to choose you?  He always wanted her.  You were an obligation, a duty.  You were the barrier between him and his kids.  He didn’t want to leave them so he stayed with you. She’s the one that made him happy. She’s the one he loves. He’ll never be happy as long as he’s with you.”

Do you have any idea how devastated I’ve felt since December 26th when I found your text to your sister, basically throwing me under the bus instead of taking up for me?  Our anniversary is tough enough to deal with, but to have that on top of it.  And then I’m supposed to nurse you through your depression and suicidal spiral? Which was essentially brought on by your damn sister, your nosy “best friend”, and your own guilt, as opposed to anything I did?  You keep piling it on and I’m supposed to keep shoveling, all the while with a smile on my face.

Do you know what it was like to see you telling Jezebel outright lies about me?  I don’t hate you.  That was your own guilt eating you alive.  How dare you insist that I say those exact words:  I forgive you.  You don’t think working on this marriage shows forgiveness?  You don’t think never threatening divorce shows forgiveness?  You don’t think moving 2000 miles across the country (when I know that you and Harley plotted to have you move closer) doesn’t show forgiveness and a willingness to move forward? And hell, when we get right down to it I did finally say those exact words to you.  I said them in the psych ward when you were crying and convinced I was leaving.

I never said you were annoying me and wasting my time.  I never said it.  Not when you were in the hospital, not when you were out of the hospital.  Never.  Outright lie. And furthermore, you were not dying.  They don’t observe people in the ER for hours on end if they’re dying.  You weren’t there 2 1/2 days.  You went to the ER around 8 on Friday.  You didn’t get admitted to the hospital until 1 or 2 on Saturday morning.  You stayed all day Saturday and left Sunday mid morning.  Even if you count the time at the ER you were there just over 36 hours.  As long as we’re getting the facts straight, let’s get them all straight.  Furthermore, who called the damn doctor to begin with?  Oh, that’s right.  It was me!  I called when you were on day 3 of puking and diarrhea.  Me.  I called and let them know something had been going around the plant and usually lasted 24-48 hours and that you were going on day 3 of this.  What should I do?  I was the one that took you into the doctor’s office to get you checked out.  Even there the doctor gave you the option of going into the ER.  Said he probably would in your situation but that it was up to you.  They don’t do that when you’re dying.  And after you’d been in the ER for a few hours the doctor came in and said your potassium levels were still a little low so they could hold you over night and admit you, or you could go home.  Again, not something they do if you’re dying.  And who was it that suggested you stay because otherwise you’d be riddled with anxiety that you were dying?  Me!  I did.  I said stay here at the hospital where they can take care of you and if you start to get worse you’re already here.  You know you’ll just worry yourself to death if you come home. Yes, the horrible evil bitch that cares nothing for you and thinks you’re wasting her time was the one that called the doctor and suggested you be admitted to the hospital.  What a bitch!

The only thing that was accurate was the fact that I have an alternate FB page.  But, I love how you told her to go look on there and she would be shocked about what all I was saying about her little brother.  I counted the entries from Nov. 1- Feb. 10.  This was last night so I may be off by 1 or 2, but I do believe the final tally was 27 entries that had very little to nothing to do with Zack, and if they did mention him they weren’t tearing him down, and 7 or 8 entries where I talked about our relationship, or him and Jezebel.  I was extremely pissed when I read the text and I know that post was not nice.  It wasn’t supposed to be.  So, yes, over the course of 3 months I said less than complimentary things about him or our marriage 7 or 8 times.  Keep in mind, this covered the month of December, which is already triggered by our anniversary, and had the added bonus of him throwing me under the bus to his sister.  And frankly, as I said yesterday, if the worst thing I do is vent on a fake FB page with the name Harley X I would say they both got off pretty goddamn easy!

By the way, I’m going back through all my entries and I’m tallying up all the times I bitched about him, or our relationship, vs. anything else.  I’m categorizing them, which seems a little OCD, I know, but I want to know.  Everyone has turned this into some big bitchfest where I’m taking Zack down, but I have a feeling the reality is that very little of it is actually about him or our relationship.  So much of it has been about wrapping my mind around the actions of my in-laws, or displaying pictures of Harley, or mocking her and the stupid things she likes or has done.  It’s been showing the relationship between her and my in-laws.  There have been some memes and some quotes.  I would say maybe a quarter of it has been taken up with us, and very rarely have I ranted solely about him.  His interactions with Jezebel are the only time I remember offhand really going off on him. And you know what?  I find it amazing that this has somehow turned into being all about Zack.  It’s not.  It’s about me.  It’s about what I’m going through, what I’m feeling.  I was the one that was cheated on, not him.  He cheated.  I was betrayed. I’m not sure how it is that I’m the one with the power to hurt him with my feelings.  I can understand if he had a private FB page or blog where he talked about his own feelings and how much he missed and loved Harley.  That would definitely hurt.  But reading about your wife being hurt by her in-laws preferring your whore over your wife?  Why would that hurt him? And now I’m off track…

I would love it if just for once you could put me first.  If you could stick up for me.  If you would tell everyone who would listen about how much you love me and how wonderful I am (if indeed you feel I am wonderful).  I wish you would be honest about your feelings about Harley.  I wish you would just tell me if you want to be with her and you regret choosing me.  I wish you would get better.  I wish I could make you happy.  I wish we could laugh and do fun things together.  I wish things could go back to the way they were with your family, but I know that will never happen. And I miss that.  I really do.  I’m sorry my kids won’t have more of a relationship with them but I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t drive them there and then stay a weekend or a week with them. I will not get sucked in.  I am not safe around those people; they do not have my best interests at heart.  They are much more invested in your whore. I won’t leave my kids with them because I don’t trust that they will abide by my direct order to keep Jezebel away from my kids.

I guess to close I would just say this:  If I ever find out you’ve been discussing our marital issues with your sister again, she won’t just be comforting you because I’m soooo mean.  She’ll be comforting you through your divorce. I will pack up my stuff and my kids’ stuff and I will leave.  And let’s face it.  She couldn’t manage to make it out here when you were committed to a psych ward.  She’s not going to be around everyday when you’re whining about missing your kids, or bemoaning the destruction of your marriage.  More than likely, she figures you’ll be coming home every weekend to fuck Harley so it shouldn’t be an issue.  If that doesn’t work out though you’re going to be one lonely guy because Jezebel won’t be around.

They say that the second year is the hardest and boy has it been! I think maybe it’s because that first year you’re just trying to get through it.  You finally come out the other end and then you have time to think and reflect and really examine all that happened.  The second year is definitely shaping up to be the hard one.

Present Day Sam Says: Even though the title is Things Left Unsaid That Should Have Been Said the fact of the matter is it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Said, unsaid… nothing would have changed. I think by this point, bolstered by Blockhead, Tammy Faye and Jezebel, he was already making his exit strategy. Nothing I said or did would have changed anything.

When the Truth & Your Spouse Don’t Exist On the Same Planet

February 2015

Let me begin by saying my husband is home finally. I’m thankful for that. He also says he thinks his time there did him some good. No, we haven’t talked about my page or his belief I’m going to leave him. I guess at some point we’re going to have to. It’s difficult finding a good time. When he’s depressed and anxious I don’t feel like I can say anything because I don’t want to pile on. When everything is good I don’t want to bring it up and spoil the good times.

I’ve been reading a lot about acceptance and moving on from the affair. A lot of what they say makes sense. But here’s where I get stuck. I don’t feel like I’ve ever had all of my questions answered honestly. It’s been vague and half truths, trickle truth. Did you talk to her on the phone often? No. Turns out he called her every morning on his drive into work. Did you tell her you loved her before Jezebel’s wedding? Did you say I love you immediately? No, to both. Turns out they were talking about marriage and he was telling people he was going to marry her before he even half-assed confessed to me less than 2 weeks after it started. Why did her husband think I needed a lawyer? I don’t know. Turns out it was because they were talking about leaving their spouses and getting married. Did you have plans to meet up? No. Turns out he was going to bring her with him to get his tattoo. And she was going to get one, too. Hell, his entire first confession was a lie. The only part that was true was the fact he was texting Harley.

How can I honestly say I believe him when he lies to me? When he refuses to give me straight answers? When he lies to his sister about me? It’s like after 20 years with the man I finally realize that he and the truth don’t exist on the same planet. So again, how do you believe someone that looks you in the eye and just lies?

How do you go on and put it behind you when everyone in his family is still in contact with Harley and they all love her and fawn over her? She has a window into our lives. And that’s assuming they’re not actually fucking around again.

I buried my head in the sand before. I tried to come up with explanations for things that made no sense. Well this time around here’s what doesn’t make sense. I know that their plan was to move him closer, move us closer, so they could be together. I don’t have specifics because, of course, he couldn’t remember, or kept it deliberately vague. The plan as far as I know was to move closer so he could fuck his whore on the weekends and have his kids with him full time with me playing nanny, maid, and cook. We’ve moved closer. At the same time we were buying a house it became clear things weren’t going well with her and her husband. For all I know she deliberately left her page public for me so that when she locked it down again I would be suspicious. But, we buy a house as it seems she’s heading for divorce. He tries to keep me off the deed. I have a meltdown. He has a meltdown. Was it real or was he keeping it together for her? We move. Within 5 months she’s liking my MIL’s status where she says if you have a handsome son… Then she’s liking her status when she asks for prayers for him. Am I really expected to ignore that as coincidence? It wasn’t coincidence last time.

Again, I ask, how do you put it all behind you and focus on this fucking future everyone speaks of when she’s never gone? When so many things come up that are suspicious?

The only thing I have to cling to is what others tell me. His mom telling me he thinks I’m going to leave him and that I haven’t forgiven him. His sane sister telling me he loves me and he’s scared to death of me leaving him. Him, when he’s drunk, telling me I’m his rock, his savior, his everything. He credits me with saving him.

I try to focus on that but I don’t want to be taken for a fool. I have no desire to be blindsided. So I remain vigilant.

Present Day Sam Says:  You have no idea how difficult it was to write this: It’s like after 20 years with the man I finally realize that he and the truth don’t exist on the same planet.  It was heart wrenching.  It was facing a truth I didn’t want to face and so I spackled over it yet again.  I’m saying the words but I refuse to believe them.  All those “coincidences” probably weren’t a coincidence at all.  They probably were in contact, or at least Tammy Faye had suggested it.  The sad part is what I wrote is so true.  He doesn’t exist on the same planet as the truth.  He lies constantly.  He rewrites history.  He makes shit up.  It’s scary to see where I realized that and then shut the door on it so that I could live my so-called perfect little life with an intact family.