Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

August 2015

Texted him good morning around 11 and then that he would need to pick up Rock Star from cheerleading tomorrow.  He finally texted back around 3:30 so I asked him if he was on the road.  No, not yet.  I texted him around 5 to ask if he was on the road again or if he was just going to stay another day.  Haven’t heard back from him.

Then, since I’ve been keeping track of all our expenses I checked the account.  Another $228 to Wal-Mart.  In Whore Town.  Surely he can’t be that stupid, can he?  He said before he didn’t know why it would say Whore Town because she had bought stuff in a different city.

I hate this!  He won’t be home until at least 11. Probably later.  And I don’t give a shit how tired he is tomorrow.

Next fucking time he goes to his home state I’m trailing his ass down there.  I don’t care how I have to do it.  I’m sick of this.  I’m sick of being a basket case.  I’m sick of wondering why the hell his phone is tied to his side.  I’m sick of wondering if he’s going to leave me or if he no longer loves me.  He better not have brought me here only to turn around and leave me.

And it gets better.  Jezebel posted pictures of her and Zack, captioned a surprise visit from my brother.  Haven’t seen him in almost 2 years.  Not only does Harley like the pictures, but her sister says, “I seen him at the family reunion.  It had been years!  It was great to see him.  So glad you all got to get together.”  WHAT?  What fucking family reunion?  I’m hoping it was autocorrect and she meant she say it has been years.  It damn well better be.  I mean, I know his cousin died.  That’s not in dispute.  But I guess the funeral really could have taken place on Friday at 1 and then he could have gone to this family reunion.

 

Two Days Before D-Day

August 2015

It’s now 5:41 and I have yet to hear from my dear husband today.  I decided to wait it out and see if he would text me first.  I guess not.  I guess it completely slips his fucking mind that him being in his home state, a mere one hour away from HER might cause ME just a wee bit of anxiety.  Along with his staunch refusal to take either of the kids.  I think I’m going to take a pill tonight.  I just can’t function.  I’m on autopilot and thinking about crashing my car again.  Am I being totally ridiculous with wanting some contact?  I was looking at old texts from him, sent just a year ago and they are so damn different than what I get now.  Maybe it’s all the newness wearing off.  Maybe he was just missing me seeing as how we were apart.  But I miss it.  I miss what he turned into for that short amount of time.  And I’m getting pissed because he has done squat to keep in touch.  I keep telling myself that he wouldn’t cash in pretty much all of his stock on this swimming pool only to turn around and leave me.  I keep telling myself that I don’t know that Blockhead is telling him to divorce me.  I just don’t freaking know anything anymore.  He’s making me crazy and at least one of us needs to stay sane for these kids!

Present Day Sam Says:  He was probably too busy setting up his joint checking account with Harley to get back to me. Oh, and an hour away from her? No, she was there at the funeral with him. It’s date night, y’all! Complete with his mommy as chaperone and introducing her to everyone in his family!

Writing this right now makes me realize that everyone in his damn family knew that our marriage was over and that I was being replaced before I ever had a clue. Talk about humiliating.

 

Three Days Before D-Day

August 2015

… I’ve been texting with Zack.  The funeral was supposed to be today at 1.  He tells me today that the funeral was changed to tomorrow at 3.  Am I wrong in thinking he is really expecting a lot from me?  I mean, he goes to his home state alone.  He’s a mere 60 minutes from Harley.  He never seems to have great service when he’s there so texts don’t get answered right away and there’s not a whole lot of communication anyway.  A fucking funeral gets moved to a completely different day and time and I’m expected to just go along with the flow and not question anything, not have any worries.

I think that’s what’s been bothering me.  Not only does he want to move on, focus on the future, not dwell on the past… but also I’m supposed to do the same.  I am not allowed to heal at my own pace without making him feel bad.  I see so many blogs where the men are apologizing months and months after D-Day.  They take their wife’s anger and understand they caused it.  They deal with their breakdowns and anxiety.  Zack has never wanted to face any of that.  He wants to pretend it never happened and that if we just focus on the future then none of that will happen.

It’s not my fault I get triggered by things.  It’s not my fault him being in his home state by himself causes me anxiety.  It’s about time he realizes that instead of expecting me to make the concessions.  I’m not the one that cheated!  I didn’t betray him and make plans to live my life with someone else.  I wasn’t telling some other man I loved him.  If he had ever done a smidgen of research on affair recovery he would have known triggers will always be present.  He would have known it generally takes between 18 and 24 months to fully recover.  Instead he wanted it over and done with pretty much after he confessed.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s the Prozac kicking in after a mere 3 or 4 days or what but I’ve been keeping the anxiety at bay.  I’ve got diarrhea like a crazy woman so maybe it’s manifesting itself that way.  Pleasant.  Can’t take the Visteral until after 8 because I have to pick up Rock Star…

I’ve been keeping track of the money I’m spending because for the life of me I can’t figure out why the hell we don’t have a ton of money left over each pay period!  Well, I know for the month of June it was because we were on vacation and eating out all the time.  And last pay period it was because we were in Florida and again, eating out and going shopping.  But even this pay period I wouldn’t have stayed within limits if not for the fact that we didn’t need to pay for trash, Am Ex, or the bank credit card.  Of course, I also went back to school shopping today because it is the tax free weekend and ended up spending almost $500.  Plus I had Rock Star’s cheerleading fees to pay plus a sweatshirt to buy.  The check to Mom for the water park came through and that was $90…  Picasso got assigned to be in band instead of getting art and home ec as his electives so he may not be signing up for cello lessons after all.  Who knows, maybe he’ll really enjoy band.  I’ve got fees to pay on the 14th but even for the 2 of them I don’t think it will even cost $100.  I do still need to buy food for the rest of the pay period…

Present Day Sam Says: A change in funeral plans? Come on, Sam! How dumb are you?

Okay, I will admit I was suspicious, but he was so convincing. He insisted that he was told the time was going to be Friday and he must have misunderstood.

Did anybody catch the Prozac reference? The man lies and says I was mentally abusive and manipulative and I ended up on fucking Prozac before this was all over and done with! I stopped taking it almost immediately when he tried to insinuate that “my depression was deepening”.

I wasn’t depressed, you asshole! You were driving me fucking crazy!

 

Approximately Five Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Feeling better today.  And I’ve made some progress.  Yesterday I finally removed all of her pictures in my contacts.  I had her picture up for his nephew, Pastor Fake and Jezebel still.  Since I was beginning to talk to Tammy Faye more I had already replaced that one.  I kept her number in but deleted her picture and have her in my contacts as Kim.  I started to delete most of my entries on Facebook and then just decided to deactivate that account.  I’m even considering reaching out to Jezebel with a friend request.  CONSIDERING.  It’s not a done deal.

I am finally starting to realize what Shawn the Wife means when she talks about not pain shopping and focusing on your own happiness.  Tracking her down and seeing what she was up to, trying to interpret events (her hair is longer and darker, she’s lost weight- does this mean she’s involved with my husband again? Is she getting a divorce? etc.), seeing how she was interacting with my in-laws, did nothing for me except make me crazy.  Honestly, I know that I have given her more head space than she will ever give me.  I know my in-laws will never turn their back on her and I need to let that go.  Somehow try to find a way to focus on us and our relationship.  I doubt it will ever be the same.  I was re-reading some old entries when I was deleting stuff and I came across the one that finally nailed down what it was that made everything so hard.  I loved them.  I considered them family.  But when it came down to it I wasn’t the one they rallied around.  I was disposable.  I loved them all just like they were my original family and then I found out I didn’t mean anything to them if I didn’t mean anything to Zack. I felt like they were my family; they felt like I was Zack’s wife and everything about our relationship was based on that. So, I think I can navigate some sort of relationship with them while understanding that it doesn’t really mean anything.  It makes things more peaceful at home.

Hell, I’ll even forgive Blockhead and his snooping ways.

As for Jezebel, well, I don’t trust her and any relationship we will end up having will be extremely superficial.  I can be cordial.  I can do holidays.  But I won’t be willing to do things with her on our own.  I won’t confide in her or let her in on my family life.  I can be FB friends but honestly I’ll probably unfollow her because I don’t want to see her bi-weekly profile and cover picture changes or hear about her fabulous life with her very best friend and soul mate.  If the kids choose to be friendly that’s great but I won’t be facilitating it.  I’ll just caution them that these are people they’ll see maybe once a year and if Jezebel and Husband #3 ever divorce they’ll be out of their lives forever.  Enjoy it but don’t get too close.  Oh, and the biggie, remember to NEVER EVER trust her.

This way is just so much more peaceful.  It’s hard sometimes to sustain rage and I’m over it.

Thinking about everything that has been happening lately I realized just how much I love Zack, how entwined our lives are.  I’ve spent almost half of my life with him.  It’s not just about the two of us.  It’s about us and everything that we have built over the last 21 years.  I don’t want to lose that.

I am hopeful that this is the year our anniversary offers up no triggers.  I’ve even been thinking about renewing our vows.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman.  You so badly wanted everything to be ok even though your gut was undoubtedly screaming the truth to you.  You were too trusting.

Now that I’m done scolding myself I want to say I always find these later entries so painful.  I was finally over it and just as I recover he goes and does it again, assuming, of course, that it ever truly ended.  I ate so much shit so that everything could go back to the way that it was and it turns out it was all in vain.

 

Oh Sam, You Poor Deluded Idiot

July 2015

Things are a little better, I suppose.  I go up and sit with him while he’s home for lunch.  He’s going to his reunion with Blockhead.  Without me.  And he’s talking about going to visit him in a few weeks.  Again, without me.

He thinks he’s impotent.  I don’t know if I should feel grateful because then he’s not fooling around, or if that’s just an excuse and he needs an explanation for being repulsed by me. It was the excuse he needed to remain “faithful” to his whore.

We’ve messed around some and joked around some and that makes me feel better, but my gut just keeps screaming. Listen to that gut, Sam!

I did notice he left his phone on the arm of the chair when he went to go take his medicine so maybe he’s not as guarded about his phone as I believe.

I’m debating calling his mom and seeing if she knows anything.  Probably wouldn’t tell me if she did. Hell no she wouldn’t! She was pushing for this. She called Harley and urged her to call her precious son because he was so sad.

I’m just so sad.  I feel overwhelmed.  I was feeling good about coming back to BFE.  I was feeling good about me and Zack and our relationship.  I was pretty much done with anything having to do with infidelity.  I was done with her.  And now this.

I wonder if it would do any good to start at the very beginning and tell him I know that Blockhead told him about my Facebook page.  Tell him I read the emails between him and Jezebel.  Flat out ask him what the hell is going on now.  I’m exhausted anymore.  I’ve been back for 6 days and I’m exhausted.  And I’m nauseous most of the time and constantly looking for clues that things are going to be ok.

He skipped another therapy session.  Hadn’t wanted to go anyway and then said he would but at lunch said last time inventory took until 6 so maybe it would be best to cancel. But remember, I was dismissive of his worsening symptoms. That’s probably why he canceled.

And can I just say I’m getting a little irritated?  He can’t go to Florida with me.  He can’t even come and sit out on the damn enclosed porch.  He’s spent 3 months saying we need to get another door for our screened in porch and it hasn’t happened.  But he can drive 6 hours to see his mom.  Alone.  And he can drive probably 8 hours to go see Blockhead.  Alone.  And he can drive 6 hours to go to his reunion.  Again, alone.  He can’t do jack shit with me or with the kids, but he can get in a car and drive off alone and do whatever…. or whomever. He was fucking Harley. He drove to fuck his cousin. Period. And you were busy spackling like a good little wife.

Present Day Sam Says: I re-read these entries and it makes me so sad. And so mad. He played me for such a fool. I was an absolute idiot. I spackled and buried my head in the sand. I didn’t want to believe it. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that my husband of 20 years could move across the country, buy a new house, a new car, new furniture and put a pool that cost the equivalent of many people’s yearly salary in our backyard and then turn around and fuck a whore. Seriously- who does that?

As I said way back at the beginning of this blog, why the hell couldn’t he have given me the two years I needed to get past what he had done the first time?

Sam, you know the reason.

Yes, because that’s not who he is. It’s all about him. It’s all about being easy and convenient. He wasn’t willing to do the hard work. He wasn’t going to be inconvenienced. He was entitled. He didn’t like feeling bad. He didn’t like discussing his faults and his shortcomings. Let’s focus on the future. Forget about my affair. Focus on other things. Like what you can do to prevent me from cheating.

We never really stood a chance. I knew from experience that once he was done with something, once he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. You couldn’t sweeten the pot and make him change course. That’s why I was so surprised when he “chose” me the first time around. I honestly believed he would never end things with her and stay with me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was all a ruse. He would tell me what he needed to tell me and get his ducks all lined up. Then he could hone in for the kill.

I think we were doomed from the very minute he decided sexting with other women was a viable option. Because of who he is there would be no recovering from that. His mind was made up. I was old news. I was on my way out, no matter what. I think at some level I knew that. That’s why I always prefaced my comments with, “if”. It’s why I never fully rekindled relationships with the in-laws.

Why Would You Need To Sleep With Your Phone?

July 2015

He slept with his phone yesterday.  Said it was because the dogs kept knocking it down and he didn’t want to miss his mom’s call.  Then this morning I noticed the cord running to the chair where he always sits.  I thought it was in the chair with him but he’s actually putting it in his pocket.  He’s remote although he says the drive took a lot out of him and his boss was asking him a million questions yesterday.  I know he’s been talking to Blockhead because he told me this morning that they may go to their reunion.  I am either going to put my phone in his car on record or I’m buying a voice activated recorder to see if he’s talking to anyone on his way to work.  I know that won’t rule out everyone cheering him on to leave me but it might possibly eliminate my suspicions that he’s having another affair.  I wish I didn’t think like this but my gut is screaming at me that something is wrong.  He’s acting like he did back then.  And hell, his drive is only 10 minutes so maybe he wouldn’t even bother with calling and talking on such a short drive.

You wanna know the crazy part?  There are times I blame myself.  If I hadn’t used a public FB page as my own personal blog he wouldn’t be like this.  His other sister said he was so excited about this move, that it was a fresh start. I’m guessing that Blockhead stumbled across the page in December.  And everything has been downhill since. So I take that on as my own cross to bear.  I should have made everything private or friends only.  I could still have used it as my own personal blog but no one would have seen.  I could have made her pictures public and anything about her public and everything else private.  Despite the fact that he cheated and lied I’m the one feeling guilty and like if I had just done things differently then everything would be ok.  Sometimes I feel like it even extends to his family as well.  Not having a relationship with Jezebel causes him stress.  If I would just forget about all the things she’s done and how she helped to stab me in the back then everything would be ok.  And I know that’s faulty thinking.  He’s got to bear some responsibility in this.

At this point my mindset is this: He is not going to uproot his entire family and move us across the country so that he can leave me.  We will work through this because divorce is not an option.  Things are finally looking up in Whoreville and I really don’t need this shit. Maybe once my mom and everyone leaves on Thursday we’ll have a conversation about why he’s been acting so weird.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, honey, he was willing to uproot his entire family and move them across the country so that he could leave you. He was willing to put a brand new inground pool in your backyard to throw you off his scent. He was willing to lie and cheat. He’s an evil, rotten bastard and you would do well to remember that.

 

Smile & Wave, Boys

July 2015

We finally made it home! 30 hours and 45 minutes on the road.  All went well at the in-law’s.  Feels like I’m putting the past behind me.

Came home to a house that smelled to high heaven.  The dogs have been peeing and pooping everywhere! So, I spent a good 3 hours today shampooing carpets.  I hope that helps.  I ended up blowing a fuse and it won’t flip back on so Zack may need to change that.  Rock Star mowed the front yard today because it hadn’t been mowed in over 3 weeks- since I mowed it last which was probably May 24th or so.  And, he hadn’t taken out the garbage the entire time we had been gone so I set out 10 bags today. Oh, plus I had asked him to restore 2 events on my DVR.  He restored the wrong 2 episodes of Scorpion and didn’t restore the Castle episode at all. Needless to say it was not a very nice homecoming.

The concrete workers came out today.  I was all excited thinking they were finally going to be starting on that.  No.  No such luck.  He is going on vacation on Friday and won’t be starting until the 13th. He said it would take about a week to get everything poured.  Lovely! And I still need to get the electrical done AND an inspector needs to come out and sign off on an inspection.  On the positive side, if it can even be called that, Zack informed me that he’s probably not going to go to Florida so someone will be here to pay everyone if the pool is completed while we’re in Florida.

I still need to call to get the hole in my ceiling fixed and the guy from the repair center to get my water filter fixed.  I have to say, I don’t think I will ever leave for an extended vacation again.  Quite honestly I’m a little hesitant to leave for another week.

Now I get to tell my mom that the pool may not be done when we get back after all. I am now crossing my fingers that we get to swim in the damn thing this summer!

Present Day Sam Says:  There are so many things wrong with this.  Let’s start with the obvious: He hadn’t taken out the trash in 3 weeks!  He hadn’t shampooed the carpets after the dogs had peed and pooped (they are used to being let out whenever they need to go because I am home all day with them).  He didn’t mow the yard in the entire 3 weeks we were gone!  It is very clear now that he had completely checked out by then.  He wasn’t doing anything for us.

Secondly, Tammy Faye was the one who urged Harley to call my husband because he had the sadz. This means that while I’m telling myself the visit went well and I’m ready to put the past behind me that conniving bitch more than likely knew that her son was fucking around with that whore again. She had me in her home and acted like nothing was amiss and the whole time she knows. She knows he’s fucking around again. She knows he’s planning on leaving me. The cruelty still manages to astound me.

I also remember trying to remain Zen about the whole pool thing.  I kept telling myself that once it was in I would have it for many more years to come. Yeah, I somewhat enjoyed it for about 6 days. So not worth it. Sometimes trying to look at the bigger picture and being all Zen just blows up in your face.

More Signs From the Universe That I Conveniently Ignored

May 2015

The whore’s newest picture (picture removed for now). Longer and darker.  Looks like I’ll continue to go short and blonde. I have to say I have been very surprised that my in-laws have not commented on or liked the picture.  Perhaps letting my MIL know she was sending naked pictures to Zack had something to do with that.

In other news it appears she’s now friends with Zack’s niece.  Oh, I just love seeing her gush over the new baby.  So, so glad we’re so entwined.  Even better I love the fact that Zack and I are sending money to pay her rent for 2 months while the whore does nothing.  If you love them so much why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually do something, Harley?

I am never going to get away from her, am I?  She’s everywhere.  My MIL thinks she can sympathize with what I’m going through because of what she went through, but the OW in her case didn’t hang around her family.  That’s the huge difference.  I’ve got everyone that we see when we go to Kentucky thinking she’s just the greatest thing ever.  People come into my home and then turn around and compliment that bitch.  And here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”

Yes, I know I could bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn’t exist. But you know my policy on that.  Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  I mean, if someone let a snake loose in my house even if I couldn’t see it I still wouldn’t feel comfortable until it was caught and removed.  I would never feel comfortable.  I’d always be wondering if I opened a cabinet or stepped down onto the floor if the snake would be there.  That’s just a fact.  I’d be a nervous wreck.  Blocking her on FB is like having an unseen snake roaming my house.  I’d rather know.  I’d rather see what was going on and be prepared.

In my defense, I do not stalk her page often.  I do sometimes wonder if it were someone different, someone everyone on Zack’s side of the family didn’t communicate with, if I wouldn’t stalk her page at all.  I kinda think I wouldn’t. I would have no need to.

The way I see it, Zack and I as a couple are fine.  I don’t think about her much in terms of what she almost did to our marriage.  Yes, I am still haunted a bit by the whole:  I know I don’t want to lose my kids and him telling Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  It bothers me because he does seem so miserable now and didn’t back then. Oh, logically I know it all has to do with the whole fantasy vs. reality thing.  She was new and exciting and promising to fulfill his every need.  It was all fantasy and no reality so she was the perfect woman, doing everything that needed to be done.  I get that.  It still bugs me at times.  Probably because he never sees the need to point that out to his sister when he talks to her and she talks to him and tells him how miserable he is.

And I can sometimes rationalize the FB thing by telling myself it’s no big deal; it doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve got “friends” that I rarely communicate with on FB. I have also been known to accept a friend request from someone I don’t know all that well. So, perhaps that is what has happened here with his niece.  It still bugs me, though.  I’m tired of seeing her wherever I look.  Funny how this becomes my cross to bear when I’m not the one who cheated!

Present Day Sam Says: Oh yeah, I think they were definitely fooling around at this point. He always said he loved my hair when it was longer and darker. I remember this picture of the whore. Someone commented on her weight loss, too. Another sign of an affair. Sign #3? Friending CF’s niece on Facebook. This was Pastor Fake’s granddaughter. Absolutely no reason for Harley to have any contact with her. In fact, she hadn’t up until this point.

I truly believe Harley is one of the most manipulative, fake phony people out there. She and Jezebel will get along wonderfully.

Oh, and this part?  <<<… here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”>>> That was absolutely dead on accurate.

You cannot continue to interact with the whore and honestly say you are rooting for reconciliation between the married couple. They obviously didn’t think that what she, or he, had done was that bad and they obviously were rooting for the two of them to get together.

Three Months From D-Day #2

May 2015

Oh boy, lots of stuff has gone on.  It has been a very busy week.  I never mentioned this, but last Wednesday Rock Star got kicked in the face at gymnastics and they ended up calling an ambulance to transport her to the hospital.  I was freaking out, although I don’t know why.  I’ve seen worse.  I was there when she broke her elbow.  I was there when she broke her back.  I was there when she slipped doing a flick on beam and crashed on her head.  This one threw me, though, and we all ended up going to the hospital together.  Zack was excellent.  Rock Star ended up with a broken nose and a gash on her nose that needed stitches.

Friday Zack left to go to Kentucky.  He made it about 40 miles before the anxiety overtook him and he ended up back home.  He was a mess all weekend and spent most of it drinking and sleeping.  I was going to hide his bourbon again but he got shitty with me so I left it.

Friday night/early Saturday morning our cat died.  We had just lost his mom a few months ago.  Friday was also the day I had decided I had had enough with our crappy cell reception.  There were storms and I was getting no service so I went to Best Buy and switched cell phone providers.  That was a debacle in itself. I was there until about 8:15 Friday night before I had to leave to pick Rock Star up from the gym. Then we were there for several hours on Saturday finishing up.

Monday Zack didn’t want to go into work but realized he had to.  He was having an awful morning and nothing seemed to help.  He also thought he was going through withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol because he was shaking and couldn’t keep anything down.  He ended up having me pick him up at 2 that day. Good news was he finally agreed to try EMDR therapy again.

Rock Star’s appointment with the ENT was that day as well.  He did not like the looks of her wound and said her nose did look crooked to him which she confirmed. Since he wanted to restitch the wound so the scar wouldn’t be as noticeable he wanted to do the surgery the very next day so Zack and I both spent most of Tuesday at the hospital.

Today was supposed to be the start of Zack’s therapy but something with work came up so it’s been switched to the 18th. And tomorrow I go in for a surgical consult to see about having my lipoma removed.

I saw a text from Jezebel where she was complaining that the kids don’t even know her.  And when Zack was saying he was so worthless because he couldn’t even drive to see his mom she replied that he only felt that way because he was so miserable with his life. I know I’m very sensitive to anything she has to say when it comes to Zack because it feels like she is salivating at the thought of him leaving me, but it really did feel like she was telling him that if he just had the courage to leave me everything would be ok.  You’re miserable because Sam makes you miserable.  If you leave her, life will be perfect and you will be happy.

There have been a few times when I thought about going through his phone but you know, it’s just not worth it.  I don’t confront him so nothing ever changes.  He gets drunk and down on himself and the next thing you know it’s all about how I don’t care. He portrays me as a horrible person and doesn’t see it at all.  He actually thought he was protecting me in his texts to Blockhead. I’m tired of searching and verifying, and usually, getting hurt by what he’s saying.  If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. I can say now I believe his trip back to Kentucky last weekend was going to be about his mom.  I’m 99% sure of that.  I’ll reserve 1% for doubt just so I don’t look like a total idiot if it turns out I was wrong.

And once again I have to say I’m a little tired of Jezebel playing the victim.  First of all, it’s been 3 years since she’s seen them.  They were 9 and 11, not exactly little babies or even toddlers or small children who might not remember.  Secondly, up until February she could have come to see them.  She could have arranged for them to come see her.  But she chose not to. I blocked her on FB for a short amount of time when Zack’s affair and her encouragement in it came to light.  It was no more than 2 months and probably less than that. And that was one mode of communication.  ONE!  There are dozens.  She has had years to contact them.  She could have messaged Rock Star via FB once the block was off. I know Rock Star continued to follow her on Instagram and I imagine Jezebel was following Rock Star.  If not, that had nothing to do with me.  She could have asked Zack if she had an email address and contacted her that way.  Both kids have a cell phone and have had one for years.  She could have asked Zack for their numbers and he would have given them to her and she could then have texted or called them.  She does not have enough respect for me to even try to play the “I knew their mom didn’t want me around” card.  If she wanted it badly enough she would have seen them or talked to them. Hell, despite the fact that I DON’T want her in contact with my kids now because of the stunt she played in February, she could still ask Zack for their phone numbers and communicate with them. But Jezebel wants to do what Jezebel wants to do and then she expects everyone else to bring themselves to her. She’s not going to go out of her way for something that is not that important to her. Over Christmas she managed to drive her sweet little ass to Florida and then turn around and go to Gatlinburg. Then, because Husband #3’s dad was sick, they returned to Florida for 2 weeks. So it’s not like she doesn’t have the time.  She has it and she spends it the way she wants; unfortunately, she does not care to spend it with us.  We are supposed to come to her and she fits us in between her busy schedule. She has visited us 7 times in 20 years- 5 of those times were for some other event: bridesmaid luncheon, wedding, Rock Star’s birth, jewelry show, Picasso’s birth/jewelry show.  That leaves 2 times in 20 years that she has visited with us just to spend time with us.  And she has not been to our home in almost 13 years.  The last time she visited was when Picasso was a baby. So yeah, I’m tired of hearing excuses. And really, that’s part of the reason I started to pull away even before Zack’s affair.

It got to the point where I was like:  Why am I driving out of my way to see people who can’t be bothered to come see us once in a while? And then my mom and nephew started coming out to Utah so I didn’t go back to Indiana. And if I wasn’t going to Indiana I wasn’t going to Kentucky either. The last time I drove to Indiana was July 2012 and I didn’t go down to Kentucky that year.  I came out for BFF’s bridal shower and then turned around and drove back.  I think I was out there for maybe a week. On the other hand, that’s the same year we went out there for Easter so they had just seen the kids.

Anyway, I’m just done with her.  I can’t take it anymore.  And my husband needs to put me front and center and stand up to her where I’m concerned. I want him to say to her:  Don’t continue to try to undermine my wife.  I love her.  She is the love of my life and I have no intentions of leaving her.  I don’t want to live my life without her and if she ever left me I would be devastated.  She has been by my side for 21 years.  Where have you been, Jezebel?  You haven’t visited me at my home in almost 13 years.  I lived in Utah, 1800 miles away, for almost 8 years and you never once came to visit.  Hell, when I flew across the country and stopped into Kentucky you drove to pick up your son and couldn’t be bothered to drive the extra 10 minutes to Frisch’s to see me.  Sam’s mom and brother drove 10 hours to see me!  Sam herself packed up Rock Star and Picasso and drove 3 hours to see you and Mom when you sang up in Detroit.  Even spent money on a hotel room.  But you couldn’t go 10 minutes out of your way and yet you continue to badmouth my wife.  You’re so concerned that she’s making me miserable and yet when I checked myself into a psychiatric facility at YOUR urging you left me in her hands.  She was the one who came by every day during visiting hours.  She was the one who went out and grabbed magazines and gum and word puzzles for me.  She was the one who spoke up on my behalf at the hospital when there was something she felt they needed to know or when I had questions I didn’t want to ask.  Where were you?  You didn’t visit even once, not even when I got out.  But you could run off to Florida for 2 weeks and be there for your father-in-law that you’ve known all of 2 years. So stop it!  She is my wife and you need to respect that.  When you cheated on Husband #1 with Husband #2 you wanted everyone to accept and embrace Husband #2.  You demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and we did.  You cheated on Husband #2 with Husband #3 and then demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and once again we did.  So it would be nice if you could do the same. I’ve been with her for 21 years, married for 20; she’s not going anyplace.  I don’t want to have to pick a side but if I do I’m going to choose her and we will have no relationship.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you were so stupid! I now firmly believe he intended to go down to see Harley that weekend.  I suppose it doesn’t really matter because in the end he cheated and was planning to leave.

And if anyone is still confused about what victim morphing is, look no further than my darling STBX sister-in-law. Everything is being done to her. She has done nothing wrong.

 

Trying Hard To Spackle Back In 2015

April 2015

Lots of entries lately.  🙂  I do know that this time marks the 2nd year anniversary, or anti-versary of Zack and Harley beginning their relationship.  Honestly, I don’t think about it much.  I’ll suddenly realize what time of the year it is and I’ll say, “Oh, yeah,” and then I go about my day.  No dwelling on it. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before or not but I’ve deleted several of the blogs I used to read about cheaters.  I’ve still got the emotional affair website bookmarked, and the ones by Kelly, Pablo’s Wife, Shawn, Elle, Shattered, Not Hate, Essie and Katie.  I like Elle’s blog because she’s recovered but still keeps her blog and she gives very good, rational advice.  It’s not all angry vitriol. I like Doug and Linda’s emotional affair website for the same reason, plus it’s so hard to find anything dealing with only emotional affairs.  I find Essie’s blog fascinating.  She was very young when she divorced but I think she will have a fabulous ending.  I loved Shawn’s story into CrazyTown, kinda wish I had her moxie, although she tells people constantly, “Don’t do what I did! Stay away from the OW!” She doesn’t write much anymore.  I think she wrote to tell her story and now that it’s told she doesn’t blog anymore.

I would also like to point out that I don’t read all of these blogs every day religiously like I used to.  True, a lot of that is due to the fact that many of them don’t post daily like they did at one time.  But I find myself not even clicking on the bookmark every day.

I still do a lot of wrestling with the fact that Harley is still in my life.  No matter how much I may say she’s not the fact of the matter is that she is still there.  She has a window into my life.  Any time my in-laws post about my kids or my husband, she can see that.  Any time Tammy Faye tells a relative something about Zack or my kids that relative can innocently pass it along to Harley. Oh wow, look at that!  Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s moving to another state, 6 hours away from her.  Someone else will do it!  Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s in the hospital; his mother will let her know.  I know that Tammy Faye thinks she knows what I’m going through because of Pastor Fake’s affair, but she doesn’t.  That OW didn’t stay in the picture.  Harley has.  Every single person that Zack is close to is friends with her and fawns all over the whore. I am certain that if my kids were with their grandparents and they ran into the whore they would introduce my kids to her without a second thought.  Not only would they introduce them to their father’s mistress, they would try to put her in the best possible light  I guess it’s very important that my kids think Daddy’s mistress is the coolest, bestest person out there.  I suppose that gives them an excuse as to why he would cheat.  She’s cool and fantastic and we just love her; we can understand why our dad loved her, too, and tossed our mom aside for her. I will slit my wrists before I allow that to happen.

Oh, I know!  There is a need to focus on your relationship and not the OW.  I’ve got that down, Sparky.  I do understand that.  I get the whole:  Living well and being happy is the best revenge shit.  I do.  And for the most part I try to concentrate on that.  It can be difficult when Zack is all over the place with his emotions but I do try.

There is a lot out there on that.  Shawn says, “Stay away!  Focus on your relationship.  She will never lead to happiness!”  And I believe her.  Elle cautions that concentrating on the OW gets you nowhere.  Many people point out that the OW doesn’t give a shit about you (the betrayed spouse).  That’s true.  Harley doesn’t give a shit about me or my kids or what she did to me.  She doesn’t care about the pain she caused.  She doesn’t care about any of the feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty.  She had her own agenda and that was to marry my husband and go off and live her little fairytale life with him that she couldn’t achieve with her own husband.  She didn’t care at all about the fact he already had a wife and 2 kids. She was prepared to see us as collateral damage.  The only thing that mattered to her was what she wanted. Hell, she doesn’t even have enough common decency to stay the fuck away from Zack’s family. Why would I ever give her the benefit of the doubt and think she understands the damage and pain she has caused? These women don’t care about who they hurt.  You’ll never get them to understand the damage they’ve done until they are on the receiving end of it.  And some, like the OW in Ashlee’s case, don’t care even then.  Her husband cheated on her and then she in turn cheated on him with Ashlee’s husband, which resulted in his death, leaving behind a young widow and a 5 young children.  That bitch does not care about the damage she created.  And the bitch in my situation doesn’t care either.  As I’ve said many times if he had left me she would be planning her wedding and running down the aisle to say, “I do!”  Hell, it’s been almost 2 years now so if he had left when I gave him an ultimatum they would probably be married by now.  I don’t think she would have been willing to wait.  I’m thinking a justice of the peace wedding would not have been out of the question, just so she could legally claim him and he couldn’t up and leave once he fully realized what a bonehead move he had made.  Of course, the joke would have been on her because shortly after marrying him she would have found him slipping deeper and deeper into a depression because his kids wanted nothing to do with him.  She could deal with all of this PTSD shit and all of his anxiety.  Joke’s on you, bitch!  You get romantic Zack in the beginning when he’s wooing you.  You get real Zack after the wedding!  Have fun! And lest someone hack into my computer and rush to tell Zack I’m saying bad things about him:  I do love him.  I’ve stayed throughout all this bullshit and done my best to help him.  But I don’t think Harley was prepared for any of that.  She would have just ditched her husband of 16 years for my husband.  Disappointed her kids.  Possibly have uprooted them to move wherever Zack might end up.  I do not believe that dealing with a husband who is sobbing and drunk all the time because he’s destroyed his relationship with his kids would have been what she was looking forward to.  Not at all.  She’s envisioning luxury vacations, and candlelight dinners, picking out their dream house, hot sex, and a fairytale romance.  Not depression, crying, anxiety, drinking, not being able to function, not wanting to leave the house.  No, that’s not what he was selling her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best.  I’m coming along.  I try not to focus on her.  Barely look at her FB page for new profile pictures anymore.  I can’t see anything on her page because it’s locked down, and she’s kept the same profile picture of her kid up since the beginning of February. I still find it fascinating that while she was fucking around with my husband she was changing her profile picture every 2 weeks or so, and now it’s rare plus it’s not usually of her. I suppose she could hang out on Instagram more now and I can’t track that.  Too bad!  Or maybe, a blessing in disguise.  See?  I’m evolving.

I also don’t track my in-laws’ page that often either.  I try not to because it’s just upsetting to see that fake bitch liking everything and acting like she’s some huge part of their life. I know she’s there.  It’s her way of always being connected to Zack. It pisses me off and it remains something I need to let go of. It’s difficult because I’m a dweller.  I figured that would be easier to say than a not-let-it-goer. I want justice.  I want her to lose something.  Because really, what did she lose? If she and her husband are indeed divorced it wasn’t because he dumped her; it would have been because she moved on with someone else.  So, she didn’t lose her husband.  She didn’t lose her kids, even though her daughter knew what she had done and wasn’t happy about it.  She didn’t lose her in-laws.  She didn’t have to wonder what was wrong with her that would make her husband cheat on her.  She didn’t have to wonder if her in-laws would really prefer that her husband be with his mistress (because, you know, he didn’t cheat on her therefore he didn’t have a mistress that his family could prefer).  She didn’t have to deal with feelings of betrayal and humiliation.  She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is still fooling around with his whore because he never was.  She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is ever going to do it again, because he was always faithful.  Her relationship with her in-laws is intact, I’m guessing.  I don’t know for certain that The Saint didn’t tell anyone in his family but my guess is he didn’t. She doesn’t have to deal with her husband’s whore always being around and her being expected to suck it up and smile.  Her life has gone on as always, unless, of course, she’s divorced him and gotten involved with someone else.  Oh, wait, the correct order would be: unless she got involved with someone else and then divorced her husband.  That’s the Harley move.

I suppose you could say I haven’t lost that much.  At least that is the way it would look to an outside observer.  I got a new, bigger house.  I got a new car.  I’m getting a pool.  I still have my husband.  That probably should be listed first.  OK, do over.  I still have my husband and he appears to be crazy about me.  I have a new, bigger house.  I have a new car.  I’m getting a pool.  My lifestyle has not changed; if anything, it has improved. But underneath, where you can’t see… I deal with the humiliation of my husband’s betrayal, knowing that so many people know what he did to me and yet I still stayed and tried to work it out. I deal with the questions of what he saw in her, what did I lack, what did I do wrong?  And knowing the answers to those questions doesn’t necessarily help.  He saw attention and flattery from her.  Attention he wasn’t getting at home.  We didn’t communicate much.  We weren’t a team.  We didn’t function as a married couple; we lived more as roommates.  He was unhappy with the infrequency of sex.  Still doesn’t excuse him. But it helps us to rebuild. I deal with the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country, far from my friends and everything I was involved in, because of their plan to move us closer so they in turn could meet up and fuck each other. I deal with the fact that my in-laws think my husband’s whore is simply wonderful and I’m not sure our relationship will ever be put back together like it was.  Oh, and that’s only referring to his mom.  His sister is pretty much dead to me. I’m going to chalk that up to a 50/50 split as far as where fault lies- her or Harley.  I mean, if Harley hadn’t been willing to open her legs for my husband then there would have been no affair.  But Jezebel was eating it all up and encouraging him to leave me. And then tries to place all the blame on me- I’ve reached out and Sam just won’t let me in.  I’m done!  She completely discounts all of her lying and her disparaging comments about me, like how I blow money.

You know, I guess if I’m being completely honest (and I do try to be) what I really want is for everyone who is close to my husband and supposedly loves me and wants our marriage to be stronger than ever, to cut ties with her.  To let her know that they know what she did and that it’s not ok.  That they have MY back, not hers.  Is that such a horrible thing to want? And I know that I can only control myself.  I cannot control them and they have made it abundantly clear that they want a relationship with the little whore.  So, I trudge on.

Present Day Sam Says: So much of what I wrote could still apply today.

The best revenge is living well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real easy to say. Not always so easy to do. Especially when you’re faced with living in poverty for the rest of your life. Or, at the very least living an extremely downsized lifestyle for the rest of your life.

Don’t focus on the other woman because she doesn’t give a shit about what she’s done to you. That’s certainly true. Harley the Whore gives absolutely zero fucks about the lives she’s ruined. She doesn’t care what this has done to my kids. She doesn’t care what it’s done to me.

Wishing his family would have my back instead of the whore’s? Well, we all know that if I wish in one hand and shit in the other which one will fill up faster, don’t we? That was all a pipe dream that was never going to work out in my favor.

So much great advice and yet I’m not really feeling any of it.