I’m Still Alive

Hey there! I hate prepping for court. That really should be enough for an entry. But I’ve never been succinct so I shall ramble on.

I think I’m pretty much done with the exception of entering my receipts. Oh, yes, I’m supposed to find proof that I paid the property taxes on my car back in 2015. Sure thing. No big deal. I’m sure I’ve got all of that. Somewhere.

I found out in the marital property affidavit that CF withdrew $50,000 from his 401k. He paid me $28,800 and I’ll be generous and include the additional $3600 for February’s back support. But even if he was charged $5000 (the 10% penalty) what in the hell did he do with the remaining $12,600? Oh let me guess! He used it to pay first and last month’s rent on his new house for the whore and her kids!

Additionally, I knew he had taken out a $5000 loan on his 401k way back in September of 2015 when he was first discovered. I didn’t know if he had paid it back but I found out just the other day that he did not. The good news is I suppose I now have an extra $2500.

Also good news was the discovery that his other 401k was not worth approximately $5000 like I believed, but just over $10,000!

The checks have been clearing. Oh, I think he’s doubled down though. He sent me a check dated September 15th and I didn’t get another one until this past week, written October 1st. Apparently he has decided his spousal and child support should be set at a mere $1150/month. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that isn’t even table child support.

My mom and her friend, I will call the two of them Thelma and Louise, don’t think he’s going to show up. I’m on the fence. On one hand he’s got to know that if he doesn’t show up that’s not going to look good for him and it should mean I get everything I ask for. If you don’t show judgement is supposed to default to the person who is there from what I understand. On the other hand, he didn’t bother showing up at the show cause hearing back in February and nothing happened to him. He was fined $10,000 for contempt for not paying his court ordered support, but the fine was waived if he managed to pay by the deadline. His support was modified by almost 50% even with him not showing up. So perhaps he is right in thinking he doesn’t need to bother to show up and he’ll still get everything he wants. Or most of it anyway. But back to that first hand… I would hope the judge would not be amused or tolerant of him not showing up again. I would hope the judge would be highly irate that CF has basically ignored his order and done whatever the hell it is that he wants to do as far as paying support goes. Back to that second hand… that may be exactly why he stays away. He might realize a stint in jail is a real possibility what with him so blatantly ignoring the judge’s orders.

I’m planning on him being there. I really don’t think I’ll get that lucky. I don’t particularly care to see his face. I’d rather he not show up. So I’m pretty sure he will.

In other news my mom is still down south. I’m pretty sure she’s back in Georgia now but she could still be in Florida. It’s hard to tell with her. She texted me the other day to let me know she was planning on staying a few extra days and asking if that was alright. I told her of course it was. What was I going to say? No! Come home. The laundry is piling up and I’m tired of cooking dinner! I could have said that but I wouldn’t.

I just paid the first installment of fees for Rock Star and her cheer. $28 for a freaking bow! A bow! I hope this thing shoots money out of it. Or at least some glitter. Glitter would be cool. That might be worth $28.

I had a conversation with my son a few weeks ago.

Me: If you ever get a girlfriend and she asks you, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” you tell her, “Nope. You look great.”

Picasso: But what if she really does look bad in it?

Me:  That’s not your problem.

Picasso: But, Mom, people can be cruel.

Me: Let her friends tell her she looks bad. You tell her you think she looks great no matter what.

I don’t know why I’m sharing that story. I suppose because I find it so adorable that my son is so unlike his father. CF is full of lies and his own son wouldn’t want to lie to his imaginary girlfriend even if it hurt her feelings. In fact, he was thinking beyond himself. He realized he could lie to her and tell her what she wanted to hear but by doing that he might be setting her up for even harsher criticism when she went out into public.

I still say lie. I think we women know when something doesn’t look good on us. I know that for me even if someone tells me something looks good if I don’t like it on me I’m not going to wear it. I’m just going to hope Picasso dates a girl smart enough to realize the same thing.

Oh! I totally forgot and saved the best for last. I got a promotion at work! I’m still doing the same thing and I’m making a whopping 50 cents more per hour but I’m now a level one. So hooray for me.

And that concludes my update.

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One Month Before D-Day

July 2015

My victories:

  1.   I stayed at the in-law’s house without my husband.  I am slowly healing that relationship.  I’ve even considered becoming FB friends with her.  Not quite ready to take that step but I’ve been mulling it.
  2. There is a song out there, not sure of the title.  I think it’s “I really really really like you” by Carly Rae Jepson (?).  When I first heard it it was a huge trigger!  That’s the justification Zack gave for continuing his relationship with Harley. Anyway, it’s quite catchy and the last few times I’ve heard it I’ve been singing along and bopping my head to it instead of allowing it to bring back bad memories.
  3. I’m not currently counting down any anti-verseries.  Not dwelling on what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Trying not to get distracted with any of the holidays.  Also hoping that August 14th will come and go like any other ordinary day.  And I’m really hoping that I don’t have a meltdown on my anniversary this year.
  4. As previously stated I’ve deleted most of my infidelity blogs and I don’t tend to read them every day as I used to.
  5. I did go check out the whore last night and downloaded some new pictures that other people had posted.  But ordinarily I don’t go looking for her on FB and I haven’t been checking to see how she and my in-laws are interacting.
  6. I have no desire to check Zack’s phone or his email.  I figure that he’s smart enough to keep it hidden pretty well and as I said before I can’t control him.  If he’s determined to cheat he will.  If he really thinks she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, there’s nothing I can do about it if I haven’t convinced him otherwise after almost 2 years.
  7. So many of the things that pissed me off earlier this year make sense now and I can accept.  The whole concept of gratitude specifically.  I’ve been making an effort to try to look on the bright side of things and I can understand what the authors were trying to say before.  But like everything else with adultery (with anything really) you have to be ready to hear that message.
  8. I just feel at peace.  I’m not worried about Zack and Harley.  I’m not full of hate and anger.  There are certain people (his nephew and Jezebel) I’m still not too happy with but I don’t dwell on it.  I rarely think about them.  I have put it out of my mind.  Every now and then something will come up but I usually solve that by telling myself, “Nope.  You’re not going to think about that now.”

Present Day Sam Says:  Hey, Sam, guess what?  He’s cheating on you!  He’s fucking a whore and sending her money while he lies about it!  Keep spackling, sweetie!  I’m glad you’ve made such great progress; I think it’s swell that you are finally to the point where you are over what he did to you.  Unfortunately, it’s too late because he’s doing it all over again.  Sorry!

Snooping & Convincing Myself Everything Was Great

 

July 2015

I may as well begin a new entry since this topic is so much different from the last one.  I was re-reading some of the old blogs I used to read in the aftermath of the affair.  I’ve deleted most of them.  I try to stay neutral because not everyone takes the same path but for me I figured I had two choices:  I could stay or I could leave.  If I was going to stay then we needed to fix this marriage and I had to forgive him and eventually get beyond this affair because I had no desire to stay and be miserable.  Has it been difficult at times?  Yes! And not because of anything he’s done since D Day.  It’s been triggers that have set me off and sent me spiraling.  That’s been the difficult part.

I read somewhere that it usually takes 18-24 months to recover from a spouse’s affair.  I think that’s about right.  I didn’t have a long initial recovery.  Things seemed to get better rather quickly in fact.  But the triggers remained until a month or so ago. The need to snoop.  The fear that he was still involved with her. The anger. Feeling like I was ugly and hideous.  I experienced all of those things.  Devouring infidelity blogs.  Wanting information about her.  Hell, I still do sometimes but it has all lessened in the last month or so.  I’m just over it.  And sadly, no matter how much you tell a person not to do something it won’t happen until that person feels ready to accept it.  I do occasionally check up on the whore. I think I’ve already said that I probably always will. And I haven’t looked on Zack’s phone since April.  He told me today that he did put a passcode on it because corporate is demanding that they do so.  He had told me months ago that he was supposed to and that if he did it would be 7026.  He also volunteered to have my thumb print be on “file” so that I could get into it that way as well.

Anyway, one of the topics on the EA blog was snooping and various readers’ feelings about it.  I read a comment in the comments section and I thought it summed up my feelings on it quite clearly:  The word “snooping” would imply that I am looking at something I have no business looking at.  I have been married for 28 years and happily gave up a lucrative career 21 years ago to be a wife and stay at home mother.  My financial well-being is tied up in my marriage, as my degree is now a bit out of date.  I could not easily return to the work world at this point.  Of course, this is not to mention the emotional investment in the marriage.  I don’t know about you guys, but I protect my investments.  If my stockbroker began acting like a meth addict, I would investigate and look closely at the books. Perhaps this sounds a little cold, but here it is.  If my husband’s behavior leads me to believe he is lying to me, it is within my rights to check out my suspicions.

Of course, I love the one, probably from a cheating spouse who said:  Snooping is a complex issue.  On one hand it shows the CS that their BS isn’t really moving forward, just hiding their true feelings of hurt, and looking for reassurance that nothing is happening.  It also shows that the BS really doesn’t have any faith in the CS so the CS figures, “Well, I am being honest but it doesn’t matter.”  It is bad, bad, bad for everyone.

Really?  You’ve spent months, if not years, lying to your spouse and now that he or she knows the truth, checking up on you just proves that he or she isn’t really moving forward the way you, the cheater, feels he or she should?  It shows that the BS doesn’t have any faith in the CS and poor picked on little CS is so defeated and downtrodden because the person they betrayed isn’t automatically saying, “Oh, honey, I believe you 100%!  I would trust you with my life!  Why on earth would I ever think you were lying to me?”

I’m hoping there was more to that entry and the blog owners just used part of the quote to show an opposing side.  Because everything quoted, if that’s all there was, is just drivel!  Excuses, excuses, excuses!  You cheat on your spouse and you need to expect to not be trusted.  You need to be willing to be transparent.  You need to be willing to give access to your email and phone.  If you aren’t then your spouse is going to be wondering what it is that you are hiding.  Sorry.  That’s part of being a cheater.  You’ve cheated and lied and betrayed someone you professed to love.  You don’t rebuild overnight no matter how convenient that would be.

Smile & Wave, Boys

July 2015

We finally made it home! 30 hours and 45 minutes on the road.  All went well at the in-law’s.  Feels like I’m putting the past behind me.

Came home to a house that smelled to high heaven.  The dogs have been peeing and pooping everywhere! So, I spent a good 3 hours today shampooing carpets.  I hope that helps.  I ended up blowing a fuse and it won’t flip back on so Zack may need to change that.  Rock Star mowed the front yard today because it hadn’t been mowed in over 3 weeks- since I mowed it last which was probably May 24th or so.  And, he hadn’t taken out the garbage the entire time we had been gone so I set out 10 bags today. Oh, plus I had asked him to restore 2 events on my DVR.  He restored the wrong 2 episodes of Scorpion and didn’t restore the Castle episode at all. Needless to say it was not a very nice homecoming.

The concrete workers came out today.  I was all excited thinking they were finally going to be starting on that.  No.  No such luck.  He is going on vacation on Friday and won’t be starting until the 13th. He said it would take about a week to get everything poured.  Lovely! And I still need to get the electrical done AND an inspector needs to come out and sign off on an inspection.  On the positive side, if it can even be called that, Zack informed me that he’s probably not going to go to Florida so someone will be here to pay everyone if the pool is completed while we’re in Florida.

I still need to call to get the hole in my ceiling fixed and the guy from the repair center to get my water filter fixed.  I have to say, I don’t think I will ever leave for an extended vacation again.  Quite honestly I’m a little hesitant to leave for another week.

Now I get to tell my mom that the pool may not be done when we get back after all. I am now crossing my fingers that we get to swim in the damn thing this summer!

Present Day Sam Says:  There are so many things wrong with this.  Let’s start with the obvious: He hadn’t taken out the trash in 3 weeks!  He hadn’t shampooed the carpets after the dogs had peed and pooped (they are used to being let out whenever they need to go because I am home all day with them).  He didn’t mow the yard in the entire 3 weeks we were gone!  It is very clear now that he had completely checked out by then.  He wasn’t doing anything for us.

Secondly, Tammy Faye was the one who urged Harley to call my husband because he had the sadz. This means that while I’m telling myself the visit went well and I’m ready to put the past behind me that conniving bitch more than likely knew that her son was fucking around with that whore again. She had me in her home and acted like nothing was amiss and the whole time she knows. She knows he’s fucking around again. She knows he’s planning on leaving me. The cruelty still manages to astound me.

I also remember trying to remain Zen about the whole pool thing.  I kept telling myself that once it was in I would have it for many more years to come. Yeah, I somewhat enjoyed it for about 6 days. So not worth it. Sometimes trying to look at the bigger picture and being all Zen just blows up in your face.

A Word About Emotional Affairs

June 2015
I have another friend who is going through a divorce. I will call her Bobbi Sue and her ex-husband Jerk Face. I reached out to her tonight to tell her how sorry I was about everything going on and that I could only imagine how difficult it must be with everything that’s happened in the last year. They pretty much remodeled their house in order to sell it, packed up everything, and moved across the country, much like me. She said about 2 months later he informed her he didn’t think he could remain married to her, and she later found out he has been having an emotional affair with another woman.

I think I’m beginning to hate that term. Why not just call it an affair? Why differentiate? An emotional affair is every bit as damaging as a physical affair, sometimes more so, and honestly, it’s just an affair that hasn’t gotten physical yet. I look at what happened to me and Zack, and now Bobbi Sue and Jerk Face. 2 emotional affairs and 1 divorce. I suppose it could have been 2 if I hadn’t been so damn stubborn and if Zack hadn’t come to his senses. I’m not trying to fool myself into thinking that I alone held things together. I think people add the qualifier because somehow not having sex with another person makes what you’re doing ok, at least in the guilty party’s eyes. Bobbi Sue said she called the OW and she insisted everything was platonic but does it matter? Jerk Face is still giving up his wife and 4 kids to follow his fantasy. He calls her every day, texts her, goes to dinner with her, works with her. But it’s ok because they’re not having sex. BAER

I also shared with Bobbi Sue the fact that Zack and I had gone through a rough patch and I thought we were headed for divorce and talked about his anxiety now and how he checked himself into a psychiatric facility. She said she never realized all that was going on and commented about how you just don’t know what all is going on by reading FB statuses.

There is also huge attention being paid to this young girl, a student athlete, who committed suicide last year. Everyone talks about how her social media made it look like she had a wonderful life and people were so shocked when she killed herself. I mean, it went a little deeper than that, but they did go on to talk about how she herself would see postings and think, “That’s how life is supposed to be but it’s not for me.”

I just always want to shout: Of course you don’t see everything! As one meme famously put it: When you compare yourself to someone else’s life on FB you are comparing their highlight reel to your behind the scenes. That’s so true. And part of why I about blew a gasket when a FB friend made that asinine comment about first world problems. Maybe younger kids haven’t learned how to filter yet (and to be honest some adults haven’t either) but as an adult I don’t air my dirty laundry on FB. Maybe that would make it a little more interesting. Instead of cute updates on what the kids did, or what fabulous vacation someone is taking they could post something like: I think my husband is having an affair. Or: My SIL hates me and I don’t know why. Possibly: I don’t know if being a mother is something I want to do anymore. My kids are driving me crazy and I just don’t think I can take another minute. Let’s try: I just found out my boyfriend likes to wear women’s clothing or I got so drunk last night I blacked out and have no idea what I did. No one is posting about their kids’ failures or faults in relationships. Kids aren’t posting about how they feel like they don’t fit in or they’re scared of the future or they have an overwhelming sense of anxiety and way too much pressure to succeed, or even that life sucks right now and it feels like everyone else is living the life you want to live. You generally stick to happy stuff. Sometimes there may be health scares or someone has died but you just don’t find people talking about their daughter’s DUI hearing or how their son lost custody of his kids because of his drug use or my teenage daughter is pregnant or my teenage son got his girlfriend pregnant or my kid got suspended from school, my mom and I haven’t talked for 6 months, and my sister hates my guts because her husband got drunk and hit on me at Christmas. It’s just not done and those who do that are generally looked at as though they’re crazy, or at the very least, immature.

So, no, you really don’t know what all is going on in a person’s life just by reading their FB page. Most people post the good and discuss the bad with close friends or relatives. They don’t post the really ugly stuff on social media.

Turning the Corner While the STBX Chooses Door #2

June 2015

Welcome to the Summer Solstice!  Longest day of the year.  I took the girls to the mall today and dropped them off to let them shop.  I went to see Spy with a friend and her husband and then we picked the girls back up and my friend and I lounged on the patio and in the kiddie pool, drinking the rest of the wine we had opened up last night…

In other news I remember reading that it generally takes 18-24 months to fully recover from an affair.  I have come to believe that’s pretty much spot on.  I also think that’s IF you recover.  The last few weeks I have been in a much better place.  I really have no desire to read the infidelity blogs I used to follow.  I don’t have much of a desire to see if Harley has posted a new picture or if she and my in-laws are conversing. I mean, it’s not totally gone but it’s not an overwhelming need either. I say this despite the fact I just checked up on her a day or so ago.  Who knows?  I may never stop checking up on her.  But she keeps her page private so I can’t really see anything.  She did post a picture of a vet with PTSD who has a sign asking for advance notice of fireworks going off near the 4th of July.  Maybe she’s just very civic minded and it has absolutely nothing to do with Zack.  Maybe she knows I still stalk her and she does it to get a rise out of me.  Or hell, maybe they are still fucking around.  I can’t control it though so I don’t dwell on it.  I can’t imagine that he would be willing to spend $53,000 on a pool only to have to put the house up for sale when we divorce.

I think I have been doing a great job of not dwelling on dates or what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Sure, 2 years ago I posed for a picture with Zack and the kids and posted a Happy Father’s Day message only days after being told he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and while he was declaring his love for his whore.  But, this is 2015, not 2013.  As Elsa would sing, “Let it go!”  And so I am.  You will not defeat me, you whore!

I don’t even think much about Jezebel and all the crappy things she has done. I try not to think about the fact that my in-laws gush and fawn over the whore.  I’m simply trying my best to be Zen and accept that which I cannot change….

OK, I’ve got to get up in the morning so I’d better go.

Present Day Sam Says:  Joke’s on me! While I’m finally turning the corner, accepting what was done, trying hard to move on and “focus on the future” he was hot and heavy with a whore.  Turns out he WAS willing to throw money into a giant pit in our backyard.  The entire time that pool was being built he was messing around with Harley, sending her money even and buying her and her kid iPhones and then taking on the cell phone bill.

And again I’m so busy being open minded and Zen that my brain should have tumbled out of my head.

As if that wasn’t sad enough I was having a really good time at this point. I was back in XX state and having a wonderful time seeing my friends again. It felt so good to visit our favorite restaurants, to be part of something, to be busy and active and vibrant once again. I’m feeling better and he’s plotting to leave me for a whore.

 

Two Months Before D-Day

Right about now I’m preparing for my divorce. I need to get stuff together so between work, kids, and the mobster I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m going to be leaving you with a few Blasts From the Past until I can get caught up on everything I need to do for the big D! I hope you enjoy reading about my last few crazy months with CF before I found out he was fucking around with the whore yet again. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride! 

These next few entries are from when the kids and I were back out west visiting friends. You know, since he moved us 2000 miles across the country for his dream job. 

June 2015

…. We went to the reservoir today and tonight we went to the dollar theater and saw Cinderella, which was pretty good. It has been nice being busy and hanging around friends again.
Zack is sick again. He said he had a massive anxiety attack last night and spent about 4 hours curled up in the shower and then he went in to work and threw up multiple times so he came home and spent the day at home. I hope he’s not drinking again. My mom said I should call Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to see if they would go and spend a few days with him.
Speaking of them, the whore put up her new picture again and this time around my FIL liked the picture. Thanks! But, in my new state of grace and forgiveness and looking on the positive side of everything I am not dwelling on it and in fact, I may end up seeing if they will be around on the 29th and if they are seeing if we can stay the night with them on our way back. I think that is remarkably big of me. I also changed my MIL’s contact picture on my phone to one of our trees so I don’t have to look at Harley’s ugly face every time she calls. His nephew, Jezebel and Pastor Fake still have Whore’s picture as their contact picture though.
I am also rarely reading any of the infidelity blogs. I just have no desire to. I did briefly look at Not Hate’s today.
Lately I’ve just been unable to think about affairs or any of that stuff. I just don’t have the time or patience for it. I’d like to put it all behind me and not have to think about it. I really am trying to focus on the positives and find good in everything. I’m crossing my fingers that Zack will soon be back on the road to recovery, although he’s taken a detour while I’m away.
He missed his appointment with his therapist last Wednesday and then decided to hold off on meeting until I come back. I’m going to have to make sure he does make his appointment with his psychiatrist on the 30th. I’m not sure I’ll be back by the time of his appointment and he can’t go around canceling those. It takes forever to get on the schedule.

Present Day Sam Says: Wasn’t I a busy little spackler? Spackle, spackle, spackle! It’s all going to be wonderful. He’s going to get better and we’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing bothers me anymore. Where are those shit sandwiches? They sure do look yummy! May I have more, please?

I don’t know when they started up again. I do know the first money transfer took place in June. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that he was an anxious mess because he was finally taking that step to leave me and his kids. Of course that assumes he has a conscience and I’m not sure he ever had one. All I know for certain is that I was still doing my best to get him help so that we could be a family and live a happy life and he was throwing it all away.