Mommy Me Time

I am always amazed when people ask some variation of the question, “How can I enforce my ex takes visitation with our children?”

The short answer is you can’t. No judge is going to declare that the non-custodial parent MUST take their visitation. They only thing that MUST happen is that the custodial parent MUST have the child available for visitation.

Should you document when they don’t take their time? Well, of course.

Sam, are you telling me there is absolutely nothing that can be done when my ex won’t take the kids?

No, you can document the fact that the ex never takes their visitation, and then based off of that you can go back to court if you’re so inclined and a) attempt to get custody changed so that it matches on paper what you actually have, and b) have child support recalculated based upon the fact that you have the kids 90-100% of the time.

What really amazes me though are the ones that want to know if they can not only force the ex to take their visitation but also if they can make them pay for a babysitter if they don’t.

This question was posed not that long ago. Ex works out of town. Takes a new job in town and has the kids every other weekend. Ex finds out that working in town doesn’t make as much money as working out of town and he is behind on child support. So…. ex is back to working out of town, which means he is no longer taking the kids every other weekend. This is unfortunate because Mom has discovered she really likes her child free weekends. Mom wants to know if she can take him back to court to enforce visitation and if that isn’t a possibility then she’s wondering if she can have it ordered that he must pay for a babysitter on the weekends he’s supposed to have the kids. Or should she suck it up and just pay for a babysitter from the child support she receives?

Am I the only one that thinks this is lunacy, or am I simply a chump who continues to let people walk all over me? I can’t wrap my head around this.

We’ve already discussed the fact that visitation is only enforced one way. A parent cannot withhold visitation but the other parent does not have to take the visitation. If your ex insisted on 50/50 and now that they have it they only take 10% of it, sure, go back to court. Get custody changed. Get child support if you weren’t getting it based on the 50/50 arrangement, or get more if it was a low amount because of the 50/50 arrangement. But you can’t withhold the visitation, and you can’t make the other parent take it either. Period. This is the part where I tell you to suck it up, buttercup.

Who in the hell lied to you and told you that motherhood came with a vacation package? Did you get every other weekend off when you were married? Like, did your spouse take the child and you were able to just go and do whatever you wanted? Every. Other. Weekend? Did your spouse help out so much that you felt like you didn’t need a break? Or, is it more likely that you took care of everything when you were married and you didn’t blink an eye? Because, again, motherhood is not exactly known for its generous vacation time. But now that you’re divorced you think you should be entitled to have every other weekend free? And if that’s not a possibility then the ex should have to pay for a babysitter for you? Mind blown.

I am that parent that did 95% of it on my own when I was married! I did not have child free weekends every other week. I can probably count on one hand how many times I went away without my children. It would definitely not be more than 2 hands.

Sure, I knew people who got lots of breaks. My brother and his wife had a friend whose parents took her son every weekend. My mom took my brother’s kids for an entire month every summer. Jezebel didn’t spend more than 48 hours in a row with her kids. So I know it happens that some people luck out. I was not one of them. I was with my kids pretty much 24/7 and if I didn’t have them with me then I was the one arranging childcare for them.

And now as a divorced mom? I realize my kids were older when I separated and divorced but Jerry Lee has had them exactly 0 minutes since the day he walked out the door back in February of 2016. Yes, minutes. That’s not a typo. I didn’t mean to type days or weeks, or even hours. He’s had them 0 minutes.

Yes, they were older- 13 and 15- but Rock Star didn’t drive for the first 2 years of our separation, thanks to us having to move. I was still having to run her around. When she got a job I added that on to her regular rotation. Then I was working and running around for kids. Super fun! And also doing all the other parent type things- like going to open houses, buying school supplies, getting registered for new schools, throwing graduation parties, making doctor’s appointments and therapy appointments, etc. All by myself. No dad around to help. No babysitting allowance. 70/30 split on the medical. That was the extent of my additional help from Jerry Lee.

I’ve had help from my mom, yes. I’ve left for a weekend. Yep. My kids are older. I can do that. My brother steps in for my son on occasion and I appreciate that very much. He is able to get through to him in ways I can’t.

This is part of the reason I’m so passionate about building your own support system and not relying on the lying, cheating fuckwit. They tend to let you down a lot. If you can’t rely on family then reach out and build some friendships.

As for thinking you’re going to get a judge to order the non-custodial parent to pay for a babysitter because you want to go out? Good luck with that. Hell, who knows? Maybe it’ll fly. I doubt it but what have you got to lose aside from a few thousand dollars when you go back to court? I’m not saying a parent doesn’t need or doesn’t deserve some time to themselves. Of course, they do. But reality is a bitch. Instead of wasting your time and money going back to court to try to force the other parent to cover your babysitting bills so you can have a night on the town just use the damn child support and pay a babysitter.

Remember that old adage: You can only control yourself. It’s useful in this case as well. Accept the fact that you are the sane and responsible parent and the other person isn’t. Once you accept it instead of railing against the unjustness of being on call 24/7 you can take measures to get the help you need- from your own support system instead of a fuckwit. Life is so much easier when you drop the rope and make arrangements on your own.

Disclaimer: I don’t want anyone thinking I was never away from my children for even a moment. I put them in the nursery while I went to church. I took Picasso to Mother’s Day Out for a couple of hours one day each week. I went to MOPS groups and childcare was provided there. I managed to take a couple of cake decorating classes and left them with Jerry Lee. Jerry Lee and I took some ballroom and swing dance lessons and we had a babysitter for Rock Star (Picasso wasn’t born yet). When we looked at houses in Michigan we left Rock Star with my mom. We left both kids with Jerry Lee’s parents when we looked at houses in Utah. My brother watched them along with his own two when I threw myself a birthday party. I’ve already written about the Women’s Retreat I took and all the travel that involved. I actually had a sleepover one night with a couple of new mom friends I had met when we moved to Michigan. We spent the night at a hotel away from kids. And eventually as they got older they would go on playdates or spend the night with friends. Obviously this isn’t a comprehensive list of all of the times I was without my children (probably a lot closer to it than I’d like to admit…). So, I was without my children at times, but I certainly did not have child free weekends on a regular basis.

I Can Say I Tried

A comment caught my eye the other day. Someone was beating herself up for giving the cheater another chance. Someone else wrote back that she, too, tried reconciliation- for 10 plus more years. The takeaway was that the commenter was trying to save her family. She *had* to try. And in the end at least she can say she tried to make it work.

Why? Why do we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard when the cheater does nothing?

I’m not judging or criticizing. I did it, too. As you may recall the first DDay I had supposedly involved an emotional affair only. We lived in Utah. Harley lived in Kentucky. Jerry Lee had 2 opportunities where he could have met up with her in person. He consistently denied ever seeing her in person. Let’s say that’s true. It was strictly an emotional affair (at this point I don’t care; it makes absolutely no difference). I did my best to reconcile. I tried my hardest to keep everything together. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want to lose my lifestyle. I certainly didn’t want to see her slip into my old life.

Now I look back and I think to myself, “Why did I bother?” It’s not as though I feel better because I tried. I don’t think I gained anything; in fact, I could probably argue that trying cost me.

I see comments from people who spend years attempting to reconcile and keep the marriage together. Spouse eventually leaves. The comments are always, “At least I tried,” or, “I gave it my best shot. I can say I did the work and attempted to save it,” or, “At least I know I did everything possible to save my marriage.”

My attitude now is pretty much, “Why? Why is this something to be proud of?” Why do we waste so much energy on someone that is not worth it?

We waste years, yes, years, trying to make the relationship work. Relationships only work when both people are invested. When you’re dealing with a cheater you’re dealing with someone who either doesn’t care or only cares when they see consequences on the horizon. As I’ve said on more than one occasion, “Your cheater doesn’t give a shit about rebuilding the marriage. They just don’t want to suffer the consequences of a divorce.” There’s a big difference between the two.

I suppose there’s no real way to know how often a second, or third, or fourth chance is given and it finally sticks. You don’t usually hear those stories. And a lot of people think they have a unicorn but it turns out the unicorn is simply hiding their activities a lot better. So what I see every day are stories after stories of people who gave it their all. They tried, dammit. They gave it the ol’ college try and did their damnedest to save their family. They lost weight, had more sex, texted more, dressed sexier, did their best to keep their children acting like angels so as not to annoy, disappoint, or embarrass the cheater, wore makeup, picked up more hours, never questioned the spouse’s behavior, never complained, never mentioned the affair, got a boob job, consented to sexual acts they did not want to engage in, had dinner on the table, made him lunch to take to work, got up early to make him breakfast, and a whole host of other things. They danced and danced and danced, yet in the end it didn’t matter. The cheater cheated again. What a surprise!

My question is why do we feel so compelled to “do everything possible” to save a marriage with a cheater? Why is that the success? Why are we brainwashed into thinking we are obligated to waste another 2, or 5, or 15, or 25 years on a person who obviously doesn’t respect us, doesn’t love us, and doesn’t value us?

I took my cheater back because I felt I owed it to him and to our family. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I didn’t want to split holidays. I thought we were happy once again but ten years later he did it again. Only this time I didn’t get a chance to do the pick me dance. This time he just left and moved in with the other woman. I don’t regret it though. I will always know I tried. I put my all into saving this marriage. He didn’t. Shame on him. I can walk with my head held high.

First, let me say I do get it. Its a traumatizing event when you see this life you built slipping through your fingers. It is rage inducing when you see another person seamlessly take your place and reap the fruits of your hard work. And I don’t wish to minimize losing time with your children. All of those are perfectly legitimate things to worry about. But here’s the thing. You may face all of that anyway. He (or she) cheats again and as stated above you don’t get a chance to try to make things work this time. This time they’ve chosen to walk. You’re no longer needed.

After trying you’re now older. Maybe significantly older. Maybe you had another baby or two. Now in addition to this horrendous divorce you get to enjoy attempting to co-parent for years to come still. Your employment gap is larger. You have bigger daycare bills because of the extra child or two you had while reconciling. Your skills have gotten weaker and more outdated. You have less time to plan for your future- the one you’ll be spending without the cheater.

Don’t even get me started on the cheaters who beg for reconciliation only so they can get their ducks lined up- new place, new furniture, new woman- all while draining the marital accounts. They tell you you can get that back- the whole “marital waste”. The truth is once it’s gone it’s gone. If the cheater doesn’t have a way to pay you you just won’t get it.

So, why don’t we normalize not throwing ourselves at a cheater? Normalize not giving a second chance. Make it a good thing when someone has definite boundaries and deal breakers.

He cheated on me and I left. He knew from the very beginning cheating was a deal breaker. Yes, it was difficult. I walked away from an entire life. I walked away from what I thought my future was going to be. But instead of spending years trying to forgive and more importantly, trying to prove to him that he made the right choice in staying with me, I chose to leave and focus on my own self. I went back to school, went to graduate school, switched careers, built a business, got a promotion, bought a house on my own, bought a car on my own, decorated my house the way I wanted, discovered new hobbies, lost weight, cut my hair, got a tattoo, dyed my hair pink, pierced my nose, found out I liked my own company. I raised my kids. I was the sane parent, the one they could depend on. We went on vacation. We created new memories. We celebrated the holidays and came up with new traditions. I watched them graduate, get married, have babies. I spent time with friends and family. I cultivated real relationships with people who gave just as much as I gave to them. I didn’t waste another 5, 10, 20 years on a cheater who was going to end up cheating on me again. My kids saw me blossom. They saw a confident, strong person who was always there for them and did the tough jobs even when I was exhausted. My kids saw me become me again.

Let’s make that the norm and throw out this ridiculous notion that we owe a cheater years more of our lives.

Meeting the Other Woman/New Girlfriend, Court Orders & Timed Introductions

I see this a lot on various sites. Mom wants to meet with the other woman or new girlfriend (and it could honestly be a new girlfriend- affair accomplice is gone and here’s the replacement). People say, “Don’t bother. Nothing good can come of it!” and she insists while being supported by others who say, “You go, girl! I’d want to know who was around my children, too.”

I will preface this with the acknowledgment that Rock Star and Picasso were 15 and 13 when their dad and I split up. I was not dealing with babies or toddlers or even young elementary aged children. I had teenagers. I further acknowledge my children have never met Harley. They have never been in her presence. They have never spent a single overnight with their father. So I am going to run my mouth about something which I’ve never had to deal.

I don’t understand this need to meet the woman. Either she’s the affair accomplice and she’s a piece of shit that does not give two fucks about you, your feelings, or your kids, or she’s a new woman who had no part in your family disintegrating. If she’s the first one meeting her isn’t going to do a damn thing.

There was a woman on one of the pages I follow who insisted upon meeting with the OW. People told her it was not a good idea and yet she insisted. She wanted to make sure the OW knew her place and that she (the OP) was the mom. She told everyone she thought the OW was intimidated by her and this talk was going to be a piece of cake. She was going to set the rules and the OW would follow them.

Wrong. The fact that this woman is perfectly willing to fuck a married man should tell you she has no respect for boundaries. The meeting did not go well and the mom left the meeting feeling terrible. The OW spoke down to her, was not intimidated at all, let her know that mom was not calling all the shots, and has taken every opportunity since then to insert herself in the parenting relationship.

She would have been far better off simply ignoring this person. Life was not chaos before they had their little tete a tete. Now it is. And the worst part of all is that Mom has no recourse. Dad has every right to have whomever he chooses around his kids, absent a court order.

It is a side effect of divorce that you do not have complete control over what your children are exposed to. If this person is not a danger to your child there is nothing you can do. In fact, I’ve heard of instances where mom’s boyfriend just got out of prison and she was planning on moving him in with her and her three children. Perfectly legal. Dad could do nothing. I’ve heard of instances where Dad is living with a convicted child sex offender but there is nothing preventing her from being around the young female child because the abused child was male and in his teens, and she had served her sentence. And yes, there are instances where a parent is able to ban the affair partner or the new girlfriend/boyfriend because of a history of drugs or child abuse or some other sort of criminal record, but unfortunately there are just as many stories where the parent is helpless. But we’re not talking about those cases. We’re talking run of the mill, law abiding citizens. Mom just wants to know who this person is because she wants to vet whoever is around her child.

I always want to know what exactly Mom (or Dad, but it’s usually Mom) is hoping to accomplish with this meeting. You meet her. You don’t like her. You don’t trust her. Now what? I mean, if judges are letting convicted felons move in with children they’re sure as hell not going to prevent dad’s newest girlfriend from being around your child because she likes to drink wine. Or she lets the kids watch more TV than you’re comfortable with or gives them sugary treats or goes to fast food restaurants to feed them instead of cooking a meal.

You meet her and you don’t like her, don’t like the way she parents, don’t like the things she does or likes? Too bad. Welcome to the sucky part of divorce. You might get really lucky and be able to communicate your hopes and wishes for your children (probably only if she’s a new girlfriend and not the OW) but you have no authority to tell her what to do. So what have you accomplished aside from showing her your weak spots and giving her the upper hand if she is inclined to take it?

So many people urge the parent to put language in their court order about not introducing new partners for six to twelve months, or not allowing sleep overs. Some even encourage putting it in the court order that the affair accomplice is not allowed to be around the children at all. Again I ask, to what end?

First of all, you are not likely to get it ordered that the other woman or other man is not allowed to be around your children. I’m not saying it never happens but those are generally special circumstances. It is a rare happening.

Secondly, cheaters lie. They break rules. Sure, put it in there that he can’t introduce Skankella to your kids for six months and he’s not allowed to have her spend the night when the kids are there. And then when he turns around and introduces them the very first weekend he has them and she spends the night what are you going to do?

“You can take him back for contempt of court!” they shout gleefully. “It’s a legal document and he’s in contempt if he goes against it.”

Okay, sure. He’s in contempt. As a person who actually had to take my ex back to court- twice- for contempt I can tell you it cost me approximately five thousand dollars each time I had to do that. My lawyer was fairly cheap as lawyers go, too. I only paid $250 an hour. Some people have those $300 and $500 an hour lawyers. I’m sure there are those who have even more expensive lawyers. Good for them. They’re going to pay even more than I did.

I was also taking him back to court because he either wasn’t paying support at all (first contempt hearing) or he was in arrears (second contempt hearing), which means I actually got money from taking him back to court. I could use that money to help pay my legal bill.

How much money do you have to take him back to court every time he pisses you off? Do you really want to spend five grand because he introduced the other woman to your kids before he was supposed to? Are you going to take him back to court because the girlfriend or affair accomplice slept over when your kids were there? And if you are sitting here saying, “Abso-fucking-lutely!” then let me ask you what exactly you think the judge is going to do in this case? The cat’s already out of the bag. He can’t un-introduce them. He can’t rewind time and have her sleep chastely in her own bed. At most your ex will get a slap on the wrist. If that. You really want to pay five grand for that? Do you think that’s going to stop him? What do you think a judge is going to do? Terminate his parental rights? Give you 100% custody? Order supervised visitation? Make him pay a hefty fine?

I think it stands to reason that if judges don’t give a shit about adultery then they’re not going to care about your ex-husband introducing a new woman to the kids sooner than you’d like. They’re not going to particularly care about him sleeping with her now. That would be kind of ironic, don’t you think? The judge doesn’t care about adultery but they’re very concerned with premarital sex. Honestly, if that was the case I think adultery covers both of those. You can’t be committing adultery without having premarital sex.

I realize there might be some jurisdictions where the judges care more than others. I’m assuming those would be much more conservative jurisdictions. So yes, the judge might care and the judge might be highly irate that the ex did not follow his or her orders. However, we’re still back to, “How much money do you want to spend on this?”

The bottom line is this: As long as your child is not in danger drop the rope. You control yourself. You don’t control your ex. You couldn’t control him when you were married to him and you control him even less now that you’re divorced. Give yourself peace. Trying to micromanage his life and prevent this new woman from being around your children is not going to bring you peace. It will turn into one big, expensive headache.

Saturday Inspiration

I thought we should go inspirational today. I believe each and every one of us should fully embrace this.

Life doesn’t stop until you’re dead. Keep going. Keep dreaming. Keep achieving. There is no law that says you can’t go to college to take classes after age 25. Stop listening to that voice that tells you you’re too old to “do that,” whatever that may be.

I think about how much time I wasted telling myself no one would ever hire me. I would never get a good paying job because I had spent my life being a stay at home mom. And now I’m making almost as much money as Harley the Hillbilly Whore and I don’t even have a Masters like she does. How much further would I have been if I had not let fear stand in my way?

I saw a couple of people paddle boarding the other day. My first thought was, “Wow- that looks like fun.” I’ve actually done paddle boarding before- about 2 years ago. I did great, too, until a speed boat came along.

And then I told the mobster a story about a woman who had just gotten certified as a paddle board yoga instructor, which I don’t think I’d be good at. I’m not sure I would be very good at regular yoga and I’m almost certain I would be falling off the paddle board during paddle board yoga.

My second thought was, “Maybe I could try paddle board yoga. It does sound like a fun challenge.”

My third thought was, “Don’t be ridiculous! You’re too old for that!”

Too old? I’m only 53. I am definitely not too old for fucking paddle board yoga.

I see my mother, older than me, getting in her car and driving to visit various relatives. She goes to Florida every winter. She keeps busy with friends and activities. She walks down to the library almost every day.

I have a dear, dear longtime friend who reads this blog so maybe she’ll see this. She recently went back to school after winning a grant and got her Masters degree. She graduated at 53.

At 25 I had no idea who I was. I had graduated from college only 3 years prior and had worked a series of low paying, crappy jobs even with a college education. I think my biggest aspiration in life at that time was to get married. I’m pretty sure my biggest aspiration after getting married was to have a baby.

How could life end at 25 when I had no idea who I was or what I wanted?

You are allowed to start over at any age. You can find new purpose. You can chase new dreams. You can make new discoveries. At 30. At 40. At 50. Even at 60 and beyond.

Chump Lady runs a post every Labor Day about Mother Jones. If you are not familiar with Mother Jones, born Mary Harris in 1837, she became a schoolteacher and married George Jones with whom she had four children. She lost her entire family in a yellow fever epidemic in Memphis in 1867. Then she moved to Chicago where she built a successful dress making business. She lost everything once again- her home, shop, and possessions, in the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. While helping to rebuild the city of Chicago she jointed the Knights of Labor. She organized strikes and while the first of the strikes and protests failed, the organization eventually became the largest labor organization in the country. When the Knights of Labor ceased to exist Mary became involved with the United Mine Workers, leading the strikers in picketing and encouraging striking workers to stay on strike when management brought in strike-breakers and militias. In 1902 she was termed “the most dangerous woman in America” by a West Virginia district attorney due to her ability to organize strikes. In 1903 she organized the children who were working in mills and mines and led them on what is known as her famous, “March of the Mill Children.”

Can you imagine? This woman lost everything- twice- and yet continued to reinvent herself. She continued to find a purpose. Her life didn’t end

What Is So Difficult About No Contact?

Sometimes I think I must sound like a real cold-hearted bitch. I see so many variations of, “No contact is so hard!” and every time I hear it I think to myself, “How is this difficult? You are being asked to do literally nothing. They tell you to perform open heart surgery? That’s hard. Not talking to someone? That’s easy.”

Of course you’re reading the words of a woman who lived in the same house as her cheating ex-husband and didn’t have more than 3 or 4 conversations in the entire 6 months that this was going on.

I guess for me I intuitively knew that nothing I said was going to mean anything. I knew nothing I said was going to change his mind. He didn’t care about what he was doing to me or to his kids, and like most fuckwits he wouldn’t have believed me even if he said he did care.

I see these people who pour out their hearts to these cheating monsters and all I can think is that they are handing them more ammunition to use against them. They bring up the affair partner. They tell them what a piece of shit they are. They tell them how much they’ve hurt their kids (that one is NEVER believed). They tell them how much they’ve hurt them and remind them of how much they’ve sacrificed and done for them over the years (they don’t care and they don’t appreciate it). They reveal way more than they should; they bare their tender underbelly to the enemy. I’ve said before I was way too proud to ever let Jerry Lee know he hurt me.

He texted me once, shortly after I found out about Harley, and asked me if I was okay. I remember texting back that no, I was not okay, and I proceeded to list all of the reasons I was not okay- starting with him moving all of us across the country and ending with him fucking his whore of a cousin. It was maybe a paragraph. And I ended it by telling him the time to worry about whether or not I was okay was before he did all the shit he did. Don’t worry about me now, bro. I’m prepared to handle this on my own from here on out.

Probably not my finest attempt at no contact or gray rock, but I got better. When I got his sad little missive about me removing all of his memories from our home and destroying all his clothes and us working together for the sake of the children and showing them how vital happiness is for us both… I simply replied that I had not destroyed his clothes; they were in the spare bedroom.

Oh believe me, there was a lot I wanted to say. I even typed it up. Added to it. Posted it here. But I didn’t bother with him. He wouldn’t have read everything I said. I had a sentence, maybe 2 or 3 to get everything across. And all those words would all have been precious kibbles to his ego. I’m sure they would have had a grand time reading it and dissecting my words together.

I get it. The cheater says something stupid or hurtful and the cheated on person feels compelled to make the cheater understand how much they have hurt them. If only you could just get them to see what they’re doing they would be sorry and stop doing it. So you try a dozen different ways to explain the same concept to this person. Because surely it’s a communication problem, right? If they truly understood how what they did was harming you and your precious children they would apologize and stop doing it, right?

Wrong! They get off on your pain. Your pain is delicious, addicting kibbles to them. They love it when you tell them how much pain you’re in because of them. Every time you mention the affair accomplice they get an intoxicating hit. Every time you beg them for help (which they won’t give you) they get another intoxicating hit. Every time you rage at them because they haven’t shown up, or they’ve shoved the affair accomplice in your face, or they’ve done some other douchey thing that fuckwit cheaters like to do, they get the sweet, tantalizing taste of victory kibbles. They matter! They’re central! They are still the sun around which you orbit. They are the most important thing in your life and you will never, ever get over them. This devastation which they wrought upon you will never be overcome.

So stop it! Cut them off. Starve that motherfucker.

And the back and forth arguing? Never argue with a fuckwit. You won’t win because facts and the truth do not matter to these people. Drop the rope. State what you are willing to do once and then shut it down. No answer is an answer. If it’s court worthy say it once and then take the jackass to court. If it’s not court worthy, just regular fuckwit shit either no answer, or if you’re worried about court I’ve got two favorites for you. #1- Noted. #2- Your attempt to portray me in a negative has been noted. Or you can go for #3 which is simply a thumbs up.

Finally, you need to reach deep inside and let go of this need to be liked and/or respected by the cheater. So often people ask how they can prevent them from trying to drag them through the mud, say horrible things about them, outright lie about them, and so on. Or the ever popular, “He says…”

Who gives a fuck what he says? He’s a lying, cheating sack of shit. You can trust exactly 0% of what he says.

He says if I go after child support I’m bitter and confrontational and that shows I’m only concerned about myself and not our child.

That’s nice. He also said he was going fishing with his best friend when in reality he was fucking a whore behind your back.

He says he’ll do the right thing by me and take care of me but we can’t involve lawyers.

He also promised to be faithful. How did that work out for you?

I don’t want him to say bad things about me.

He’s already saying bad things about you.

I feel like if I fight for what’s mine everyone in his family is going to think I’m greedy.

And? Honey, that’s his family. Chances are very great that even if they say you’ll always be a part of their family they don’t mean it. You look out for you and stop worrying about what everyone else is saying or thinking.

He’s telling everybody I cheated on him and I think they believe him.

Sweetie, find your tribe. The people in your tribe aren’t going to believe that shit because they know you. They know the truth. Those people that believe him? They aren’t your tribe.

I know that Jezebel will back her brother no matter what. I know she thinks I’m crazy and that he deserved so much better. And you know what? I don’t care. I do not give one single shit about her opinion of me.

I know that Blockhead fed him information and undoubtedly thinks I’m a horrible person. Rolls right off my back. Don’t care. From what The Saint said he and his wife have sucked up quite nicely to Harley. Again, don’t care. They are not people I would ever want in my life. Jerry Lee and Harley can have them.

I would be willing to bet that absolutely everyone that Jerry Lee has told his story to during and after our divorce has been led to believe that I am the most horrible, greediest, selfish bitch out there. I’m sure he tells them all I drug him back to court and siphoned money I don’t deserve out of him so that I can spend it all on my boyfriend. Undoubtedly there is a group of people out there who think I’m a horrible person. I know this will shock you but I don’t care. I do not have two fucks to give. I don’t know those people and I don’t care what they think about me.

The people that I do know? Well, if they really think I’m that person then I’m glad they’re out of my life. I think too often people want to “win them all.” You can’t.

The best gift you can give yourself is to trust that they suck. Once you honestly believe that it gets so much easier. Once you stop arguing with them, explaining to them, begging them, relying them on and you drop that rope it gets so much easier. Let them argue with themselves. Remove yourself from the equation. They’re not your monkeys, not your circus.

What Is It With This Post?

Jesus Christ on crutches! What is it with this post? I have had three people now have a bone to pick with me over this.

If you haven’t read this post I’ll give you a real quick Cliff Notes version. If you choose to stay with your spouse but you’re still pining after your affair partner get the fuck out! Go to that person and stop wasting your spouse’s life.

How does this get so many contentious responses? I am begging the cheater to go be with the other person. You would think they would be happy about this. But no! They react as though I’ve suggested branding them with a scarlet A or placing them in the stockades and letting people throw rotten eggs at them. 

One person suggested I sounded like a very bitter person who surrounded herself with a lot of cats. First of all, I don’t have any cats. My daughter does. I love my grand cats very much. They are delightful. Do not diss Poppy or Maverick. Second of all, I’m more of a dog person. Between the mobster and myself we’ve got four. Third of all, what kind of an insult is that anyway? Yeah, you must like cats! Oh burn!

The next two want to get all philosophical with me. Kate let me know she found this very “therapeutic” and that she, too, used to feel that way about “the other woman.” I’m guessing that stopped when she began an affair of her own. Funny how you’re okay with it when you’re the one doing it. She wanted me to know that I didn’t really know the other woman was a whore and that even though I “knew” I had squeezed every last bit of information about the affair from my cheater he was probably still unlikely to be honest about whether or not he missed the affair or affair partner. She then goes on to tell me she realizes I believe he’s one in a million and different from most men.

Did she read my blog before commenting? I do not think Jerry Lee is one in a million or that he’s different. I think he’s an entitled ass. I told her as much, too.

Finally, she chastises me for calling the other woman a whore, letting me know it sounds silly and people will get nothing out of my posts. I told her if she had no problem with some woman riding my husband’s dick then she could get off my ass for calling that woman a whore.

Oh, I forgot this gem: Trust me, one day you’ll be a lot less critical of people and happiness will follow.

Yes, I’m sure embracing whores will make me giddy. I suppose not having a moral compass can be freeing for some.

Then, just a day or so ago I get another comment taking me to task. This one, calling herself sorrynotsorry, let me know how wrong I was about the other women and this idea that the affair is not real life.

“It is real life!” she insists. I have no idea how many women are out there, doing their cheating lover’s laundry, making his meals, taking whatever leftover scraps of his time he’s willing to offer. Of course, in her situation it was the wife who was the secret; everyone knew them as a couple. So there! I’m wrong, wrong, wrong!

It happens. It’s rare, but it happens. Sure, some people get played. If it came as such a shock that her beloved was married after spending all of these nights, holidays and weekends with her, then I’d say he’s one hell of a liar. Probably a sociopath as well. Great catch there! She’s so busy patting herself on the back because this man uses his wife’s home as a boarding house and treats her with disrespect, that she doesn’t realize he’s no prize.

Once again, my favorite parts are where she’s calling me pathetic. I’m pathetic because I’m trying to fool myself into thinking the affair is meaningless. And pointing the finger at the other woman is also pathetic and desperate. Can’t forget desperate. Oh yes, I will probably never measure up to the so called whore and that’s why he’s stayed with her for so many years. He only stays with me because of the children and finances. Also, I’m bitter and hurt because the man I love has chosen to love someone else.

OK, first, does anyone actually read my blog before they comment or do they see the word “whore” and lose their shit? He’s not staying with me for the kids and financial reasons. I’m not with him; I left his cheating ass. He has abandoned his children for his gold digging, jailbird cousin. Yes, she is a whore. No, I don’t worry about measuring up to her; there is no comparison. No, I don’t want him back. I’m not bitter or hurt; my new guy is so much more amazing than Jerry Lee could ever hope to be.

Can you imagine the vitriol I would get if I was actually slamming them? I’m encouraging them to leave their spouses in order to be with the affair partner and they lose their freaking minds! Don’t call me a whore! How dare you say our affair isn’t real life? Who cares if it’s real or not? I’m doing you a freaking favor. I’m on your side, if you will.

I mean, sure, I don’t think it’s going to be all sunshine and roses for the happy couple. One of them is a person who cheats on their spouse, and the other is a person who has no problem with fucking someone else’s spouse. They’re both liars and people with no moral compass. Nonetheless, give it a go. Grab the bull by the horns. You only live once. Stop wasting a good person’s life while you fuck around on the side.

Sorry, haters, the advice remains the same. Shit or get off the pot. If you miss your affair partner so much then leave your spouse and go be with that person. Stop being a cake eating pussy. If this advice hurts your feelings? Well then, bless your heart.

It’s a Partner Problem

I have to be careful about how I phrase this because I don’t want anyone coming away with the wrong idea. I’ve come to the conclusion, however painful, that ultimately when your partner cheats you don’t have an OW or OM problem. You’ve got a partner problem.

I don’t say this to excuse the person sleeping with your partner. It is absolutely wrong to be sleeping with another person’s spouse/partner. I do not feel as though they don’t owe us anything therefore they’ve done nothing wrong. I am not forgiving them for what they’ve done. I think it is horrendous. I think people like that are awful people who think of no one except themselves. With all of those disclaimers aside, you still have a partner problem.

All too often I read blogs where the OP is blamed for the affair: She knew he was married. He knew she was vulnerable. She went after him and wouldn’t stop until she got him. He took advantage of her. She wouldn’t stay away even after I begged her to. He refused to stop contacting her even though I told him how much it hurt my kids.

Yes, they suck. You still have a partner problem.

I hated Harley the first time I learned about her and Jerry Lee. My rage and anger were like a white hot laser focused on her. She was a whore. She enticed my husband. She was trying to take over my life.

Hell, there are marriage counselors who actually advise you save your anger for the OW/OM. Don’t rage at your spouse. It’s the other person’s fault, they will tell you. I don’t agree.

The reality is Jerry Lee bore all the responsibility. He could have ignored her and blocked her. He didn’t. She didn’t entice him. He was ready and willing; he was ripe for the picking. If it hadn’t been her, it could have easily been someone else. In fact, at one point it was. He did the same thing with Anne.

My husband is the one who let things go too far. My husband is the one who began an emotional affair with her back in 2013. He knew it was wrong. No one put a gun to his head. Yes, she absolutely played the victim and offered him something he was looking for. He was the one with the responsibility to stay the hell away. He was the one who never should have started things to begin with.

What I didn’t understand back then is that he was looking. She didn’t find him and lure him into her web. He went looking for her. For anyone really.

The second time around I didn’t give her a second thought. Oh sure, I still think she’s a whore and a horrible mother and a terrible human being. I think she’s selfish and mean, entitled, too. She’s a liar and a gold digger and a cheater herself. Truth of the matter is if I saw her trapped in a burning car I’d pull up a chair with a bag of marshmallows and make myself some S’mores. But she’s not my problem. He is, and ever since August 10th, 2015 I’ve held him responsible for everything that has happened.

You can chase off every admirer/predator. You can stick it out and wait for him (or her) to come to his (or her) senses and choose you. You can refuse to leave. You can maintain divorce is not an option. You are still with a person who has no problem cheating on you. If you want to blame it on toxic shame or poor coping skills or damage done from childhood trauma you are still with a person who’s coping mechanism is to have sex with other people.

It’s so very easy to say that if everyone would reject a married man/woman there would be no more cheating. You can maintain that it’s the other person’s fault because they should be moral enough to not sleep with your beloved. The fact remains, if your beloved is propositioning someone, it doesn’t matter if the other person accepts or rejects them. You’ve already got a problem. Just because Single Mom/Dad #1, or Lonely Gal/Guy #4 rejects your partner and refuses to have sex with them because they’re married doesn’t mean you’re now home free.

Whew! Thank God for people with morals!

No! You’re still partnered with a person who is looking to bed anything that moves. That is your problem. Not the nitwit that believes the lies. Not the whore that’s willing to spread her legs for anyone. Not the predator who takes advantage of every naive woman. Not the tramp that is out to steal your man. Or the Lothario that is out to steal your woman.

Your partner is the problem. As cliche as it may sound your partner is the one that made promises to you. Your partner is the one that is supposed to love you. Your partner is the one that is supposed to have your back. They’re not supposed to lie to you, or gaslight you, or betray you.

You can chase off every competitor and you are still with a person who has absolutely no intentions of being faithful. You are with a person who has no shame in blaming you for what happened. You are with a person who continues to lie to you, to be evasive, and to refuse to give you what you need.

Look, I hate it, too. And I’m not saying to not hate the other woman or man. Hate away!

I get it. It’s extremely hard to walk away from a long term relationship. I also know it’s so much easier to be angry at and hate the other woman or other man because so many times you don’t know them. You know your spouse/partner. You love that person. You want to forgive them. You want everything to go back to the way it was. So let’s just blame the other person and convince ourselves that if only they had done the honorable thing and stayed away your life would never have fallen apart.

What about when I do know the other person, Sam? What about when it’s a family member or a close friend? Well, I’ll be the first to say it’s a double betrayal and that person did owe you something. I’ll also say you still have a partner problem. Yes, your best friend or your sister should keep her fucking hands off of your husband. I don’t even understand being attracted to your friend’s partner; they’re like kryptonite to me. The other person in this case absolutely owed you loyalty; they were supposed to have your back. Your partner still betrayed you. They still took that step, knowing it was wrong and that it would hurt you. Yes, your best friend or relative should never have made moves on your partner, but your partner should have refused those advances. You’ve still got a partner problem. You’re with a person who has no problem cheating on you.

I will be the first to admit that I am much more jealous when it comes to the mobster and other women, than I ever was with Jerry Lee. Part of that may have to do with the fact that I’ve been cheated on. Part of that may have to do with the fact that the feelings I have for the mobster are so much more intense than what I felt for Jerry Lee and that I consider him to be the love of my life.

Even so, if another woman were to come on to him I fully expect him to handle it. I could threaten her. I could become unhinged. I could check his phone and spy on him. What does any of that accomplish? Absolutely nothing.

What would accomplish something? Him telling her he’s not interested. I expect nothing less than for him to tell her straight up: I’m not interested. Sam is the love of my life. I would never do anything that might mess that up. Leave me alone. And then him blocking all means of contact.

And I do mean all means of contact. None of this, “But we’re co-workers,” bullshit. None of this, “I can’t change my number because…”. No excuses. No keeping any kind of line of communication open. No testing the waters. No remaining friends because otherwise it would be awkward. No refusal to nip that shit in the bud because you don’t want to be seen as “mean”.

I firmly believe that in most of the cases of an affair partner doggedly pursuing someone else’s beloved, that the beloved wished to be pursued. Or at the very least enjoyed being pursued. Focusing on the fact that the affair partner pursued your partner allows you to ignore the fact that you have a partner problem. You have a partner that enjoys being pursued, flattered, etc. by others.

That’s why me chasing off any of the mobster’s admirers does nothing. Him letting it be known that he’s not interested and shutting that shit down? That speaks volumes. If he doesn’t tell her that he’s not interested and that her pursuit is not flattering, it’s offensive? If he continues to flirt or let her flirt with him? If he refuses to disengage or continues to go places he knows he’ll run into her? If he continues to take her calls or go to lunch with her or continues texting with her? Then as much as I may hate her, I have a partner problem.

I’ve Become a Publicist for Grudges and Bitterness

In yesterday’s post I wondered if maybe the reason forgiveness gets all the love is because it has great PR agents. There are tons of quotes lamenting the hardened hearts of those who refuse to forgive and extolling the virtues of those who forgive others even while those others are spitting in their face. I mean, look at this crap.

 

That sounds swell but terribly unnecessary. Do you really need to forgive someone in order to move on with your life? I think not!

I’m probably not the best example because I still write about Jerry Lee. In my defense though I do write a blog and he’s always doing something else to try to fuck up my life.

I think I’ve moved on; I also think the things he does pull me back into his orbit. I can’t help that. And saying, “Oh, Jerry Lee, I forgive you for being a lying, cousin fucking sociopath,” isn’t going to make any of those things better. You want me to move on with my life? Tell him to pay his fucking support on time and in full! Tell him to stop neglecting his kids. That would help. Me forgiving his lying ass doesn’t do dick for me.

Maybe let’s try this one instead:

Then there’s this one.

Again with this setting you free bullshit. Hey, if it makes you feel better to forgive someone then you have at it. But I don’t think anyone should feel guilted into forgiving someone.

Oh no! I don’t forgive her for cheating on me. I must be a bad person. Oh no! I don’t forgive him for draining our retirement accounts and spending all the money on his mistress. I’m a horrible human being.

No, you’re simply human.

Why not go with this:

Or better yet:

Again with the healing and moving on, thanks to forgiveness!

Who am I to argue with Nelson Mandela? I’m Sam, and I really feel that this is bullshit.

You do not need to forgive someone in order to heal, unless your definition of forgiveness is like Chump Lady’s definition of forgiveness: I no longer wish you dead. I can get behind that one. Still not necessary in order to heal, though, although I suppose you could argue that if you’re still wishing someone was dead you’re probably not healed.

This one is a little longer but expresses the same sentiments:

Grrrr! Maybe that’s part of the problem. We hold forgiveness in such high esteem that we aren’t thinking about what we’re actually saying.

I forgive you. I don’t agree with what you did or believe it was right, but I forgive you.

How crazy is that? Why are you forgiving them again? Oh yes, because it will help you move on and you will no longer dwell on what was done to you. Isn’t that convenient?

The person who has betrayed you or hurt you experiences no consequences. Let’s wish them well and forgive them.

I don’t think it’s right that you pushed me down the stairs, breaking my arm and collarbone. I don’t agree with you pushing me down the stairs. But I forgive you for pushing me down the stairs. I’m not going to think about you pushing me down the stairs anymore, or about how my body still throbs in pain, or how I break out in a cold sweat every time I’m near the stairs and you at the same time. I’m going to move on with my life. Some might say the way to do that is with a restraining order and charges filed so that your worthless ass is in jail. Others might say the way to get on with my life is to get you out of it. But I know the only way to move on is to forgive you.

Then there’s this gem:

Oh really? Let’s try this one on for size:

That’s not really the way I feel, but damn! Not forgiving someone who has wronged you is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of self respect. Oooh! Let’s do that one instead!

In that same vein we’ve got:

No, sweetie, that’s stupidity.

That’s a pretty easy re-write.

At the very least it’s pointless.

Here it is in longer form:

I’m not even going to bother doing a re-write on this but I would like to point out that one of the major tenants of forgiveness is that the person needs to ask for forgiveness and they need to repent. Forgiving a person who is not sorry is pointless. It defeats the whole purpose of the concept. That person is not sorry! They don’t give a fuck if you’ve forgiven them or not. They don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and they certainly aren’t looking to you to forgive them. That’s just a given.

If you didn’t receive an apology you have nothing to accept. Why even bother with this charade? Stop wasting your time. Find people worthy of you. Be good to those people. You don’t have to go around plotting revenge on those who have hurt you; let them go and forget they exist. No forgiveness necessary.

Then there’s this “wise” advice:

Tell me more. How exactly am I taking away Jerry Lee’s power when I forgive him? Will that result in him paying the correct amount of child support? Does it mean he begins paying his entire spousal support instead of what he has absurdly calculated? By forgiving him and taking away his power does that mean I’m suddenly going to be working at a job that pays enough to pay my bills and allows me to live on my own and still have some semblance of a life? Will he suddenly remember he has two kids that live here in Indiana? Will anything actually change for the better or does the quote writer just think I’m going to feel so much better once I’ve forgiven him?

The funny thing about this whole forgiveness thing is he whole heartedly believes he is the victim in all of this. Come to think of it I think he would be insulted if I told him I forgave him. There’s nothing to forgive in his mind because I am the enemy and I am the one who wronged him. Maybe someone should tell him that by forgiving me he’s taking away my power.

I think a better way to put that is:

Got time for one more?

Oh please! Again I will point out that people who are not sorry do not care about your forgiveness. They don’t want it or need it. If you’re willing to extend it they’ll take it. Why? Because it means they get to use you some more.

I get that holding onto anger does nothing to them. Then again, who says that holding onto anger hurts you? Anger can be very useful. It can propel you to act. It can instigate you to look out for your own interests. It can get you out of a bad situation. It can help you refuse to take any more shit. Plus, not forgiving a person doesn’t necessarily mean you’re angry at them. Maybe it just means you’ve learned a very valuable lesson. 

THIS is the PR agent we need to combat all of that forgiveness nonsense.

A-freakin’-men! I’ll put that one right up there with:

I’ll throw this one in as a bonus service announcement:

It is truly amazing how society pushes us to disregard our instincts and instead encourages us to put ourselves in danger.

One more just because I’m a giver:

I hope you take that to heart. They’re not lying to protect you. They don’t “trickle truth” to protect your feelings. They lie to protect themselves.

Finally, if you really have it in your heart that forgiveness is the way to truth and light then try this one:

Don’t forgive them for lying to you, cheating on you, betraying you. Forgive yourself for putting up with that behavior. Then resolve not to do that anymore.

My Daughter’s Legacy

I come from a long line of women cheated on by their husbands. My grandfather cheated on, and left, my Mamaw after roughly twenty years of marriage, resulting in a nervous breakdown on her part. Ultimately, she ended up moving out of her home and out of the state, and in with her mother, where she lived until the day she died. My father cheated on my mother repeatedly, until finally she decided she didn’t want to end up like her mom- in her 40s, divorced, financially destitute, and living with her mom. She reasoned that eventually he would find one he would be willing to leave her for so she got out when she was in her early 30s- after affair #3.

I thought I had picked someone completely different from my own father. Turns out they had more in common than I realized. I ended up like my Mamaw- minus the nervous breakdown.

I often wonder what legacy I have left for my own daughter. Is she doomed to marry a man who will lie to her and cheat on her? That seems to be our pattern.

It’s no surprise, then, that the song, “Just Like Him” by Brandy Clark hit me hard the first time I listened to it.

He was kinda like Superman

Show up, save the day, disappear and then

We wouldn’t hear from him ’til Christmas

He was a whole lotta fun

Til he got one drink too drunk

A fight would start, he’d be breaking hearts and dishes

I used to say that I’d be damned

Before I’d ever fall in love with a man

Like the one Mama wasted her youth on

I wait up all night alone I feel like I’m six years old again

You’re just like him

Daddy had the bluest eyes

Kept my Mama hypnotized

Now I finally realize the reason

They say love’s like coming home

And I came from a broken one

So why am I surprised you’re always leaving

I used to say that I’d be damned before I’d ever fall in love with a man

Like the one Mama wasted her youth on

And I wait up all night alone I feel like I’m six years old again

You’re just like him

Promises all sound the same

Swear up and down you’re gonna change

And you never do

And I’m not that little kid

That’s why I can’t do this again

You’re just like him

Yeah, especially that part about wasting my youth on him. That always makes me pause.

I love the mobster with all my heart and I’m so very glad I met him. Yet I always feel a little tinge of sadness that we won’t have more time because we both wasted our youth on people who didn’t give a damn.

I had to listen to the song a few times before it hit me: She’s not repeating the cycle.

Promises all sound the same

Swear up and down you’re gonna change

And you never do

And I’m not that little kid

That’s why I can’t do this again

You’re just like him

She’s walking away. She learned from her mother’s mistakes. She knows he’s not going to change and she’s going to get out and save herself. Hallelujah!

A few days ago I was reading a post. The writer mentioned that her daughter declared love to be a crock of shit. She thought her daughter felt that way because her parents, who had been together for thirty years, were no longer together. He left for someone else.

That got me thinking. Is it a crock of shit, or do so many of us accept so very little and call it good?  The stories I read over on Chump Lady keep me shaking my head. Frequently I wonder, “Why do we accept this behavior? Why are we so willing to accept scraps and to cater to people who don’t deserve it?” There is story after story of people who give and give only to be dismissed as though they’re nothing. The mom that works full time, does all of the childcare, takes care of the home, does all the cooking and the shopping while her husband hangs out in his den and plays on the computer all night. The husband that sends his wife off on a girl’s weekend because she’s “confused” and “trying to work things out”, only to later find out he’s actually paid for her and her lover to go on a weekend getaway. The person who throws a surprise party for their partner’s big birthday, and doesn’t even get a card for their birthday in return. The person who carefully selects gifts every birthday, anniversary, and Christmas only to be given some token gift year after year. The person who remains at home taking care of the kids while their partner goes out drinking with their friends. I could go on and on.

This is the point where we should actively teach our kids about good relationships. I’ve long thought they should teach a class on that in high school. In between the dating violence and the liars and the cheaters and all these different dysfunctional relationships these kids need to be taught this shit isn’t normal. They need to be told what to look for and what to watch out for. Give them an example of what is good and what is bad, what is normal give and take and what is dysfunction that should never be tolerated.

To my own daughter I would say: Look for the one who reciprocates. Does he do sweet, kind things for you? Do your needs matter? Does he pay attention to what you like and what you dislike? Does he listen when you tell him stories? Does he even exhibit any interest in your life? Is he willing to take care of you when you’re sick or listen to you when you’re upset? Does he laugh at your jokes? Does he tell you you’re beautiful? Does he make you feel loved and cherished? Does he call you by your name? Is he considerate of you? If it’s important to you, is it important to him? Do you remember his birthday and important dates while he blows them off when it’s your turn? Does he value your opinion or is everything done his way?

Don’t confuse the above with love bombing. I’m not talking about the guy who comes in and sweeps you off your feet. I’m not talking about the guy who makes grand gestures and tells you that you are the most amazing person he’s ever met and he’s madly in love with you and his life would implode without you in it. I’m not talking about the guy who sends big bouquets of roses to work so everyone can see how wonderful he is (although I’m not opposed to getting flowers at work) or who buys you over the top gifts so everyone can be jealous of you. I’m talking about the guy who performs loving gestures. I’m talking about the guy who knows you love chocolate dipped strawberries so he’s willing to buy a carton of strawberries and melt some chocolate and dip those berries for you. I’m talking about the guy who will rub your back or cut your meat up for you (true freaking story!) if you ask him to. I’m talking about the guy who will make you breakfast or wash out your shitty jeans or butter your roll for you. I’m talking about the guy who knows you love polar bears so when he sees one he picks it up for you because he knows you love them and it will make you happy.

Stay away from the ones who take and take and take and never give back. Don’t ever make your needs smaller and smaller while you try to fill an endless void that can never be filled. You will be pick me dancing for the rest of your life if you do that because they will always demand more while giving back nothing.

Along that same line run from the ones who keep changing the goal posts. There are some people out there who will never be happy. There are some people who will always find something to complain about. Don’t make it your mission to change that. You won’t succeed. They will only bring you down with them. Leave them to wallow in their misery.

Keep in mind dating should be fun. It’s a time to figure out what you want. So if he’s already lying to you or cheating on you, breaking plans with you, talking down to you, breaking up with you numerous times and then getting back together, or doing any number of things you don’t like during your early dating stage, it’s not going to get better. That’s as good as it gets. You deserve someone who adores you, and in turn you should adore him.

Watch out for red flags, and when you see one don’t spackle. No, it’s not normal for him to blow you off to spend every weekend with his friends. No, it’s not normal for him to have female friends that either he doesn’t want to introduce you to, or who don’t like you. No, it’s not normal for him to tell you that particular outfit makes you look like a slut and it’s not normal for him to be obsessively jealous if you have male friends or have a regular conversation with someone. No, it’s not normal to sleep with your ex a few weeks after the two of you start dating. No, it’s not normal to call you names and say hateful things. No, it’s not normal to do almost nothing together as a couple. No, it’s not normal or okay if you plan something special for his birthday, or a weekend away, or do your best to make holidays or other occasions special, while he does nothing in return for you. Those are red flags, honey. Don’t. Spackle. Over. This. Behavior.

This is an oldie but a goodie. Anytime you find yourself thinking, “Life would be so much easier if he just died,” that’s a bad sign. It’s another big red flag. Get out. Save yourself. Similarly, if you find yourself recording messages for your friends and loved ones for after they find your body, that’s another big sign your relationship is failing and you need to get out.

Words and cards are nice, but actions are much more important. As the old saying goes, “Don’t listen to his words; watch what he does.” If he’s telling you he loves you and you’re the best thing ever but he’s sleeping with other women, doesn’t take your feelings into consideration, and/or mistreats you, he doesn’t love you. This is not a good relationship.

Don’t ever be so desperate for the fairytale that you’re willing to put up with endless amounts of shit.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and to say what you really feel, what you really want. If you’re afraid you’re going to rock the boat and he’ll be out of here then he’s not the guy for you. You can’t have a satisfying relationship if you always have to shut up and pretend everything is fine.

The cool wife/girlfriend is usually the one that gets cheated on. Stories abound of people who didn’t want to make a big deal out of their partner meeting up with an ex for dinner while they weren’t invited to join in, or going out with or texting opposite member friends, or co-workers.  There is no reward for being a doormat. Only more and more abuse.

Don’t ever be afraid to ask yourself this question: Is this relationship acceptable to me? You matter. Your needs matter. It’s not a license to act like a crazy, entitled person, but please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t sacrifice yourself for a relationship that is unworthy of you. If the relationship is not acceptable to you you have every right to end that relationship.

Draw boundaries. Rock solid ones. Boundaries are not a bad thing. Get it out of your head that they are, or that you’re unreasonable for having them. If your partner repeatedly violates those boundaries they are not a good partner. Recognize that. Do something about it. And by “do something” I mean leave. Find the courage and have the self respect needed to get out of a bad situation. It will never improve. When people realize they can treat you badly they don’t ever change. Not without fear of very serious consequences, and even then, that change may only be temporary.

Make yourself a list of things you want in a partner. Then make another list of deal breakers. Refer to those lists often. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship if you discover this person falls short of your list, or if one or more of his behaviors is on the deal breakers list. Obviously I’m not talking about the more superficial traits, like hair and eye color, height, occupation, etc. But if loving animals or wanting children or having a relationship with God is important to you, then it’s probably not going to be a good fit for you if you end up with someone who can’t stand animal hair, doesn’t want kids, and thinks religion is a crock of shit. Similarly, if you want someone who is faithful, dating someone who wants to be in an open relationship, or who fucks around on you behind your back early on in the relationship, is not a smart move. Again, refer to your two lists. Far better to end things early on in the relationship as opposed to investing years in someone who will only make you miserable.

If he sucks the joy out of life, he’s not a good match. Be with someone who brings joy to your life. Be with the one who makes everything fun, who brings out the best in you, who ignites your sense of adventure and your childlike wonder.

Don’t mistake good sex for a good relationship. There are people out there that would fuck a snake if someone would hold its head down. Those people don’t actually care about anyone; they only care about whether or not you’re useful to them. Don’t be useful to a person like that.

My darling daughter, find someone who adores you. Find that person who wants to please you, just as much as you want to please him. Find that person who loves you back just as hard as you love them. Don’t settle for a barbed wire monkey because you’re afraid. I know ending a relationship is hard. Staying with a person who doesn’t respect you will end up being infinitely more difficult.

Find that person who brings out the best in you. That’s the person you want to be with. Find the person who makes you laugh, and lose the one that makes you cry.  As that saying goes: Find a man who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara.

And again I tell you, because it is so important, don’t ever make your needs smaller and smaller while you cater to someone who continues to demand more and more, appreciating none of your efforts. You want the man who thinks you’re worth the effort. You want the man who sees your needs and says, “Challenge accepted!”

Don’t be me, the person married to your father, the person who wasted her youth on someone who didn’t deserve it. Break this cycle. Demand more. Expect more. You are worth it. I was worth it. Thankfully, I know that now.

A Few Reminders