Entitlement, Thy Name is Cheater

I saw this meme and I thought to myself, “I have no words.” Then I thought about it and decided I did have words. Unfortunately, I have been so bad about writing that I never got around to it. Before I could point out the absurdity of such an asinine statement I was slapped in the face with this drivel:

Folks, this gets to the very heart of what Chump Lady always says about cheating. She maintains it’s about entitlement and crappy character. What better example of that entitlement is there than these two memes?

Don’t lose a loyal man because he’s occasionally unfaithful? As they would say in “The Princess Bride”: I do not think that word means what you think it means. A loyal man is not unfaithful. Feel free to interchange the pronouns as necessary. That’s like saying, “Don’t give up on your law abiding husband because he occasionally murders someone.” “Don’t give up on your honest investment banker because he occasionally embezzles.” “Don’t fire your favorite teacher just because she occasionally sleeps with her students.” I guess if you only do something occasionally it’s okay.

You say he hits you? Does he do it regularly? No? Only occasionally? Oh yeah, then you don’t want to lose a good man like him because he occasionally hits you.

He occasionally molests your kids? Well, it’s not like he does it all the time. You don’t want to lose a good man over something that only happens occasionally.

I could do this all day. She only tried to poison you once! What’s your problem? She occasionally shoots up in front of your kids. It’s not like she’s a junkie. He occasionally lies to you. Where’s the red flag in that?

As you might be able to conclude I think the idea that you would want to hang onto this gem because he’s only occasionally unfaithful is a load of crap. Being occasionally unfaithful is a lot like being a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren’t.

It’s also an entitled attitude. He’s so fucking phenomenal that it doesn’t matter what kind of shitty behavior he engages in. You don’t want to lose him, do you? Just look past him sticking his dick in other people. It’s no biggie. You don’t want to lose a loyal man like him because of the occasional cheating. Where on earth would you find someone better?

Then we move onto this brilliant advice, otherwise known as, “How to eat shit sandwiches and keep a smile on your face.”

Cheating is apart (sic) of ups & downs of a relationship tho. Every man is gonna hurt u, u just gotta find that one worth hurting for. Millions of happy wives have been cheated on & absurd but they fought for their marriage to work. If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

Oh Professor Douche, there is so much wrong with this. We’ll begin with the obvious. No, cheating is not a part of the ups and downs of a relationship. Cheating is, or should be, a deal breaker. It should not be normalized. If cheating is a normal part of the ups and downs in a relationship then you are in a very toxic relationship. My advice is to get the hell out!

Secondly, pain and sorrow is not a normal part of a relationship. You should not expect to be hurt. You should expect to be loved and treasured. Supported, cherished. Not writhing around in agony because the person you’re with is an asshole and you think this is just the normal course of an average relationship. I don’t find any man worth hurting for. Whether you’re a man or a woman I would hope you wouldn’t find any man or woman worth hurting for. That’s not love. That’s abuse. Let’s stop selling these tortured relationships as love affairs of the century.

I find it astounding that he actually believes “millions of happy wives have been cheated on & abused but they fought for their marriage to work.” Those women are not happy. They’re desperate. And where are all the men fighting for their marriages to work despite wives that are out there sleeping with everyone? I guess being hurt and being cheated on and being abused isn’t part of a man’s normal relationship. At least not as a recipient.

I do have to give him props thought. He dared to take the conversation where others normally don’t. He’s actually suggesting that if a man only hits you occasionally you should continue to fight for your marriage. Sounds amazing. Yeah, he gets drunk and beats me but it only happens a few times a month. He cheats on me, slept with my sister, gave me an STD, but that’s just part of the ups and downs of a relationship, you know. I stuck it out. I fought for my marriage and my lying, cheating sack of shit abuser. I am so lucky! I know how to stick with it unlike you losers out there. You give up too easily and that’s why you don’t have a lasting relationship. Unlike me.

This is the crap the RIC peddles. Fight for your man. Fight for your marriage. Who cares about your dignity? Keep him at all costs. It’s far better to have a man, even if he’s a shitty excuse for a human being, than to be alone.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. The idea that love means never having to say you’re sorry is bullshit and so is this idea that you need to fight for love. Love is freely given. It is reciprocated. Relationships may not be all sunshine and roses all the time but you shouldn’t have to be fighting for your relationship either. Nor should you have to navigate through hell for a relationship. That’s not a relationship worth nurturing.

Oh, and third? This idea that if you’re not willing to fight for love then you should stay single is another way of getting you to continue with the pick me dance.

If you not willing to fight for love then stay single.

No, bro, how ‘bout if you want me to continue to be in your life you get your shit together from the very beginning? He’s making a declaration, folks. If you can’t fight for your man then you should stay single. If you’re not willing to overlook his cheating and his lying and the abuse he foists upon you then don’t even bother trying to find someone. It’s much better that you remain single. Any of you people out there that believe you deserve to be treated with decency and respect need to readjust your expectations. You should willingly accept the crumbs someone tosses your way. Who do you think you are anyway? You don’t get to make demands. You don’t get to make a choice.

All snark aside these two memes are shining examples of what I talk about and what Chump Lady talks about when we keep shouting from the rooftops that cheating is not a marriage problem; it is an entitlement problem. That’s what all of this is about. It’s what the RIC is built on. They truly believe they are entitled to forgiveness. It’s a given. Any real woman would do the right thing and fight for her man, her relationship. Of course she would forgive him, take him back, and never speak of it again.They believe they get to call all of the shots. They get to decide to cheat on you. Then they get to decide if they want to stay with to you or if they’re going to leave. They are entitled to do whatever they feel like and you need to sit there and take it like a good little woman. Sadly, many of us have been indoctrinated to believe this bullshit. To believe that cheating is just a mistake. To believe you owe it to them to give them another chance. To believe that you don’t throw away years for one bad moment in your relationship. We’re taught to forgive and told that relationships take two people. We’re told to look at ourselves and ask ourselves what we did wrong, how we made them cheat, what we did to drive them into someone else’s arms.

That. Is. Bullshit. Cheating is not a relationship problem. It is an entitlement problem. They feel entitled to cheat and they feel entitled to your forgiveness.

Am I going to find that one man that is worth hurting for? No, Professor Douche, I’m going to find the man who doesn’t believe that cheating and abuse are normal parts of a relationship. 

Am I willing to fight for love? I don’t know. What’s the prize money like? Come on! I’m way too old to fight for love. It’s either there or it’s not. All of this “fight for your relationship” bullshit is just pick me bait.  I’m not fighting to keep a relationship with a lying, cheating, entitled asshole. That’s a solid “No.”

Am I going to lose a loyal man just because he’s occasionally unfaithful? Oh honey, I’m not losing anything. I’m kicking that sonofabitch to the curb! He’s the one that lost something.

#riseup

Two Consenting Adults & No One Else’s Business

I saw this a week or so ago. It was in response to advice given in an advice column. The question was whether or not you should tell the spouse about the cheating partner’s affair. Amy said yes. This reader had a different take on it.

You advised “Cheated Upon” to notify the wife of a cheating husband about the affair. I completely disagree. What two other consenting adults do is no one else’s business. – Disappointed

Ah yes, the ol’ “two consenting adults” theory. Sorry, Disappointed, but you are oh so wrong. This is not a situation with two consenting adults. Two consenting adults doing something that is no one else’s business would be a couple who decides they like things a little rough in the bedroom. You want to tie your partner to a bedpost and spank his or her ass? Fine. No one else’s business. A couple who decides to open their relationship up to include a third person or other couples would be a situation with two consenting adults. It would be no one else’s business. Other examples of two consenting adults doing things that are no one else’s business? Cross dressing. Furries. Adults pretending to be babies while they wear diapers and drink out of bottles. Meeting your partner at a local bar and pretending you don’t know each other. Having a relationship that doesn’t include sex. Wanting to watch your partner have sex with someone else. All of those situations include two consenting adults doing whatever they choose to do in their relationship. It may not be something you would choose to indulge in but you aren’t a part of their relationship and as such, it’s none of your business.

What we have here, Disappointed, is an affair. An affair involves two deceitful, consenting adults who are fully apprised of the situation, and at least one non-consenting adult who has no clue what is going on. It may include non-consenting children whose lives could possibly also be uprooted and destroyed, thanks to these “consenting” adults. In addition it usually involves financial abuse, gas lighting, lying, and rewriting history. The cherry on top is the devaluing and degrading of the non-consenting, clueless partner.

That’s the fun thing about affairs. It doesn’t stop with those two people. There are other people who are deeply affected. Even if one or both of them don’t leave their spouses it still takes away from the relationship. I have heard of very few situations in which one person was cheating and the relationship did not suffer. Most of the time that is when the devaluing begins. The cheater has to have a plausible reason to do this heinous thing so the betrayed partner becomes the enemy.

She makes me eat a turnip! He is controlling and emotionally abusive! She is a horrible housekeeper! He said he wishes I would die! She let me wear the same dirty pair of underwear for five days! He made me wear certain kinds of clothing; I couldn’t even dress myself without his approval! She doesn’t want to have sex! He won’t work! She nags, nags, nags! He hates me!

That’s the propaganda spread to justify their behavior. Granted, my “research” has come by way of reading blogs and comments from those who have been cheated on but again, it is very common that once one person in the relationship begins to cheat they also begin to treat their partner with disdain. The person who is being cheated on is left to wonder what on earth is going on and will generally dance harder and harder to try to appease the cheating partner in order to get everything back in order.

Stories abound of cheating partners spending thousands on the affair partner, draining 401ks, and wiping out bank accounts. If an affair is something between two consenting adults and is no one else’s business then why is my financial security now in doubt?

That doesn’t even take into consideration the extreme cases. The ones like Chris Watts who decided he’d rather be with his ho-worker and, I guess felt divorce would be a real hassle, so he murdered his 15 week pregnant wife and their two young daughters. He buried his pregnant wife in a shallow grave and then dumped his daughters’ bodies in an oil tanker. Or Chris Coleman who murdered his wife and two young sons so he could be with his mistress and still be a bodyguard to Joyce Meyer. I’ve written about other cases involving the cheating spouse murdering the wife in order to be with the mistress here and here.

If it was simply a relationship between two consenting adults then no one else would pay the price for their behavior. Obviously my situation didn’t rise to the level of murder but those two “consenting” adults wrecked a whole lot of havoc nevertheless. I lost my home. My children lost their home. We ended up being forced to move 600 miles away. I went from being a stay at home mom with a very stable income to being a mom who at one point was working upwards of sixty hours a week, rarely seeing her kids, and still financially unstable. I went from having a home of my own with my own dishes and furniture and decorations, to moving in with my mom. I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t get a choice in that. Neither did my kids. My kids lost their pool and their game room and their large bedrooms and separate bathrooms. All superficial things, sure. But it was all taken away from us by two “consenting” adults that didn’t give a single solitary fuck about us and what their “consenting” ended up doing to us.

No, Disappointed, this is not about two consenting adults doing whatever two consenting adults decide to do. This particular situation is about a man cheating on his wife. It’s about someone who knows at least one of them and who was cheated on as well, so they know the heartache and humiliation that can come with that. That person wants to do the right thing and let the cheated on spouse know what’s going on so she can make a fully informed choice. It’s not up to the person telling to convince the wife to stay or go; all they’re doing is providing information. What the wife chooses to do with it is up to her.

As for this, “It’s no one else’s business!” nonsense I will say what I always say in situations like these: If you don’t want your partner finding out you’re fucking around, then don’t fuck around! That’s the easiest way to prevent that. No one is obliged to protect your secrets and dirty deeds, especially not someone who was cheated on and betrayed themselves. “It’s no one else’s business!” is just cheater-speak for, “You’re not the boss of me! I can do whatever I want and there should never be any consequences!”

Another Round Of Parental Alienation

Yet another OW’s blog. Yet another accusation of parental alienation. By now everyone knows if the kids don’t come around it’s not because the other parent is an insensitive, selfish asshole; it’s because the custodial parent is alienating them.

I don’t know. Maybe most of these cheaters think they are so wonderful they can’t conceive of a situation where someone would choose not to spend time with them. Their insipid little cohorts are sipping the same Kool-Aid. “My bae is so amazing that, of course, his kids can overlook all of the selfish, shitty things he has done in the name of love. If they aren’t talking to him it’s because the horrible, mentally abusive wife has manipulated them. No, alienated them!”

Perhaps I take these articles personally because I know Cousinfucker has told people I’ve turned the kids against him. I saw the Facebook post where he was lamenting the fact his children “probably wouldn’t see this” (his post) but wishing them a happy Thanksgiving nonetheless and telling them how much he loved them. I saw the responses to that.

Hang in there!

One day they’ll be old enough to make up their own minds!

Just keep telling them you love them!

They’ll know the truth one day.

It fries my fritters when I hear that crap! My kids already know the truth. They know that their dad cheated on me. They know that while he lived with us for the next six months he didn’t bother talking to them. They know he walked out the door without saying a word to either of them. He didn’t bother to tell them he was moving out of the house, much less out of the state. They know he could drive to see his cousin/mistress every single weekend before he moved, and that he couldn’t be bothered to visit them even one weekend in more than two years. They know all of this because they lived it. And those are just the big things.

They have experienced the joy of leaving behind lifelong friends where they grew up. My daughter had the pleasure of giving up her dream of being a Level 10 gymnast, and my son gave up playing the only sport he ever liked- hockey- because their dad was unhappy in Utah and wanted this “dream job”.

We promised them a better life. We sweetened the pot, so to speak, with promises of a pool, a hot tub, a game room, a theater room. My son looked forward to working side by side with his dad, helping him build it.

Instead, they got a father who once again shut himself off in his room. They got a father who ended up in the psych ward. A father who couldn’t go outside supposedly. A father who couldn’t celebrate their birthdays with them.

And then they got to watch as this helpless father who couldn’t go anywhere could suddenly play the devoted daddy to children that weren’t his. He could attend their birthday dinners. He could walk the mall with their whore of a mother on Christmas Eve, shopping for gifts. He could make pancakes for them, and buy them puppies and phones and expensive dresses. He could even go on family vacations.

It didn’t stop there, however! They got the pleasure of moving out of their home, watching all their furniture be sold off, saying goodbye to new friends, and moving yet again- this time more than 600 miles away.

My son had a fairly seamless transition, but my daughter was miserable the first six months or so. She lost her place in the Sports Hall of Fame. She lost future Homecomings (my alma mater does not have a Homecoming dance). She lost gymnastics for good. She had been counting down the days until she could get her license and now she was told nothing she did back in Virginia counted; she would have to start all over and wouldn’t be eligible to get her license for another 6 months. She was devastated. She lost any desire to gain a new set of friends. My beautiful, vivacious girl who was surrounded by friends and a social butterfly, became withdrawn, anxious, and depressed. As she told me once, she went from being everything to being nothing.

My son hasn’t seen or spoken to his father since February of 2016. Cousinfucker was creeping around in the shadows at her graduation and didn’t show himself until we had all left. My wonderful, talented, soft hearted son was with my mom on his way to the restaurant so CF never spent a single second with him. He didn’t bother to make it a priority to say a word to his son. This year he sent Rock Star a birthday and graduation gift, but sent nothing for Picasso- not even a card. I doubt very much that he will attempt to reach out to ask for a ticket to his graduation in 2 1/2 years.

THAT is my children’s reality. THAT is their truth. And that is why my son has no relationship with his father and my daughter has a very superficial one. It is nothing I did or said. He did a much better job at alienating them than I could have ever attempted.

 

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

As you probably know by now I read a lot of different blogs. I’ll be reading one and there will be a link that looks interesting at the bottom of it so I’ll click on it and I keep doing that and before I know it I am learning some very interesting things.

For example there are a lot of people out there who cheat, but instead of calling it that they like to say they are non-conformists, or they practice non-monogamy. They believe that most of us peons are way too sheltered to understand this new, enlightened way of conducting relationships and they will be looked down upon by the unwashed masses so they can’t dare breathe a word of it to anyone!

I’m probably one of those peons so more than likely I’m way off base here, but when I think of non-monogamy I think of someone who doesn’t want to date only one person. I think of someone who wants to play the field and not settle down. I don’t have a problem with that. I can’t think of a single reason that anyone would have a problem with that.

Here’s where it gets a little tricky. See, when they say they prefer non-monogamy what they really mean is, “I don’t have a problem with fucking your spouse.” I don’t know about the rest of you but I think that’s a whole lot different from, “I prefer not to settle down with one person.”

You feel free to go out and fuck as many people as you want to; I won’t judge you for it. When you start fucking my spouse? I’ve got a huge problem with that.

Polyamorous? Open marriage? Swinging? New piece of ass in every city? Knock yourself out. If both people know about it and both people are on board who am I to say you’re wrong? I wouldn’t want it for myself but I’m not going to judge someone who does. Obviously, I would not be a good fit for someone like that as a romantic partner; however, I would have no problems being friends with them. I’m not going to shun anyone.

The problem arises when the so-called non-conformist wants to “non-conform” with someone else’s spouse. You know what’s going on. The cheating spouse knows what’s going on. The only person who doesn’t know what’s going on is the duped spouse. That person is being lied to and betrayed. That’s not okay.

Frankly, I don’t want to hear the tired old line about you not making vows to the betrayed spouse. You know your non-conforming buddy is married. You know the spouse doesn’t know and hasn’t given consent. You’re still fucking that person. It’s a shitty thing to do to another human being. Period.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but fucking someone else’s spouse without their knowledge is not edgy and non-conforming; it’s selfish. People aren’t against non-conforming relationships. They’re against people having a non-conforming relationship with their spouse. Again, open relationship, polyamory, swinging… Two (or more!) consenting adults can do whatever they choose. They’re not prejudiced against non-monogamy. You want to keep your options open, good for you. They’re not, however, excited about you being non-monogamous with their spouse. That’s an asshole move. You want to label that as non-monogamy and non-conforming instead of what it really is- cheating? That’s an asshole move, too. As well as being dishonest. Most people don’t like dishonest assholes.

The Myth of the Sexless Marriage

I was reading a conversation over on DC Urban Moms and Dads. The original poster asked why on earth anyone would recommend Chump Lady’s site because she was so bitter, angry and negative. Several people patiently pointed out that anger is useful to get you through the initial phase of being discarded and accepting what you married. Others pointed out her tag line is: Leave a cheater, gain a life. She’s not into the reconciliation business. Eventually it meandered over into the fact that men NEED sex and that most people who cheat do so because of sexless marriages.

Well, of course they do! It couldn’t be the fact that the person has bad character. It couldn’t be the fact that the cheater lacks impulse control, or feels entitled to anything he or she desires. It couldn’t be the fact that they act like toddlers, throwing a tantrum anytime things don’t go their way. It can’t be that they are needy and clingy and are bottomless pits of need. No, it must be because their spouses (wives usually) have cut them off from sex, forcing them to cheat. They wouldn’t do this awful thing if the “refusing” spouse would simply hop into bed and participate. This is not their fault! It’s the cheated on spouse’s fault!

Why not divorce? Coz reasons! It’s no fair that if my wife cuts me off from sex and I believe that’s a deal breaker then I have to be a grown up and make hard choices. One person even put it like this:

I’m not comfortable defending the position of a cheater but…

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice. Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life. That’s a ridiculous choice to have to make. So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Oy. And vey. Dramatic much?

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice.

First of all, who are these wives this person speaks of who entirely cut their husbands off? There is a difference between, “I want to have sex six times a week but my spouse will only give it up twice,” vs. “I haven’t had sex in five years.” Not to mention, cheaters lie. It’s what they do.

CF will tell anyone who will listen that we hadn’t had sex in ten years. That is an outright lie. He will also tell people he is an Army Ranger. That is another outright lie. He lies. It’s what he does. I feel like I’m in a fucking Geico commercial!

In addition, the only spouses I’ve ever heard of who cut their spouse off sexually were the cheaters! They did it to maintain control. Meanwhile, they were out there screwing anything that moved.

Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff…

Secondly, if you do even the tiniest bit of research you will find that it is generally women who pay the greatest price when it comes to divorce. Hell, I know I got a great deal compared to some people but my standard of living is still far, far below what it was. I will again remind the reading audience that while CF is indeed paying out in excess of 60% of his paycheck to me, he’s doing so because he refuses to leave his sweetie behind to find a better paying job. He was imputed at his previous wages. Even with a ten month gap in employment and being basically fired for drinking on the job, he managed to get a $100,000/year job. I finally got one for $11/hour. He lives in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom 3000 sq. foot home which looks eerily like our old home in Virginia, with a community pool and a community clubhouse. I live with my mother, have no bedroom to call my own, and sleep on the couch.

Sure, there are stories of women who take their husbands to the cleaners. The ironic part? They’re usually the ones cheating. I know far more women who have been left destitute after a divorce.

…and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life.

I’m pretty sure CF must have written this. Yet another person lamenting having to pay “for the rest of their life.” No, it’s not the rest of their life. In many states they pay nothing aside from child support! Child support ends at some point. Spousal support ends at some point. In my case it will end in 16 years. That is hardly “the rest of his life”.

I loved this though: So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Nice! So men are forced to cheat because otherwise they may have to give up some of their stuff. Women, on the other hand, never have an excuse to cheat.

It’s too bad some of these people never grew up. If they had they would understand that sometimes doing the right thing isn’t easy. They would understand that on occasion you get to choose between two shitty things. These poor babies just assume the fact that divorcing comes with consequences they don’t want to face means they should be excused for cheating.

Could we please stop acting like women (or whoever is withholding) have all the power? It’s not like a stay at home mom who is “refusing” to have sex has nothing to lose if her husband leaves her. Many states start with 50/50 custody so she stands to lose her kids. Even if she has primary custody she still misses out on weekends and holidays with her kids. A woman who divorces may find her children being raised by another woman. After reading a Mom vs. Stepmom debate board for over ten years it seems to me that women are much more territorial when it comes to the children. Many states have no alimony, so even if she does get custody of the kids, she won’t be receiving it any longer than 18 years and it will go down as each child ages out. Her chances of finding a job where she makes as much money as her husband are fairly low unless her degree is in something that will remain current- think nursing. I’ve known women who were teachers, IT professionals, and accountants who struggled going back into the workforce after years of staying home with children. If she was already working then he’s not going to end up paying her alimony anyway, if they live in a state that awards it, unless he makes significantly more than her. And, if their salaries are very similar he might not end up paying her much in child support either- probably none at all if custody is 50/50.

It’s all a narrative to justify cheating. Those trying the hardest to justify it keep referring to the “refuser” in the relationship and how that person is the one who first broke vows. Apparently, one of the vows you make when you get married is to have sex on demand. If that vow isn’t met then the other spouse is justified in cheating, or so their theory goes.

Even when it’s pointed out that if that is indeed happening then both parties know they are not having sex. The person being refused sex is not left in the dark. When the other person decides to go outside of the marriage both parties are not aware of it. When that is pointed out, and divorce is offered up as the responsible response to such a situation (not getting all the sex you deserve) they once again chime in with, “But… consequences! Why should I suffer any consequences for any of my decisions? I have to cheat. I deserve to cheat because they won’t do what I want them, no NEED them, to do.” They are nothing but big ol’ cake eaters.

Here’s another truth. It’s not about the sex. If he’s getting it twelve times a week at home then he’ll complain that she won’t do anal, or oral, or some other thing. Or it’s that she won’t do a threesome or let him watch her have sex with another guy, or participate in a gang bang, or agree to an open marriage, or participate in S&M. Look at the swinger from last week. He and his wife are having sex upwards of five times a week and he wants to be able fuck strange on the side. His complaint about his first wife wasn’t simply that she only wanted sex a few times a month. It was also about the fact that she wasn’t willing to indulge his other fantasies.

If you read Chump Lady you will hear that narrative over and over: I had plenty of sex with my husband, but he went looking for other sources because I wouldn’t… (fill in the blank).

People don’t cheat because they’re in sexless marriages. I would be willing to bet that most of them who make that claim aren’t even in sexless marriages. They cheat because they feel entitled to cheat. They cheat because they want to eat cake, as Chump Lady would say. They cheat because nothing is ever enough for them and no amount of groveling and catering to them will ever make them happy or satisfied. They always demand more. They cheat because they don’t want to have to do the hard work of filing for divorce and going through everything that entails. It’s far easier to keep your spouse and some strange on the side, than it is to be honest and do the hard thing. They cheat because they have convinced themselves that it’s YOUR fault. You’ve made them do this; the poor lambs didn’t have a choice.

Don’t fall for the narrative, folks. People with an ounce of common sense don’t ask what the rape victim could have done to prevent the rapist from raping her/him. People with an ounce of common sense don’t tell the battered spouse, “If only you would do (fill in the blank),” or “If you wouldn’t do (fill in the blank) your spouse wouldn’t be driven to abuse you.” People with an ounce of common sense should also realize no one makes another person cheat. It’s a damn choice. Own it!

#riseup

This Is What They Look Like, Part 1

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately. Nothing to report. No infidelity articles to snark about. Until today.

I came across someone writing a glowing report about an article that was posted in the New York Times Modern Love. Written by Karin Jones it is all about what she learned about infidelity  by sleeping with married men.

I’ll save you the hassle of reading the article itself. It pretty much boils down to: Ladies, you suck! Or, don’t suck enough, as the case may be. It’s always about the sex. They’re just not getting enough and if only you puritanical types could let your husbands go off and fuck any random woman to get that “intimacy” met then everyone would be happy. You could keep your marriage and your upper middle class lifestyle, and he would never leave because he was getting all the sex he could ever want. From everyone. Sometimes maybe even you! Aren’t you lucky?

We all know they only stray because of the lack of sex, don’t we? And they are all poster children for the perfect husband aside from their proclivity to fuck random strange. It’s never because they’re unable to be satisfied, or entitled, or just have piss poor judgment and life skills. It’s never because they enjoy secretly getting one over on their partner. There is no thrill in knowing something she doesn’t know. Oh no! It always comes down to the wife not putting out enough.

Men, I apologize for being so general. I try to keep it gender neutral. My own love was cheated on more than once by his wife, so I know it’s not a men only thing. However, this article was written by a woman about unfaithful men with whom she was sleeping. I’m speaking only in terms of her article.

Back to the blog on WordPress. That writer praised Karin for being so brave. Yes, it’s so brave to admit you sleep with married men. Something tells me Karin is not one bit ashamed of that. I would bet money Karin feels rather hip and liberated, no longer chained to those old fashioned ideas that say adultery is wrong.

The writer admits he had two long term affairs (18 months) in his own marriage that ended in divorce, and he thinks Karin pretty much nails it! Surprise, surprise! It was all about the sex. If his wife had only put out more he wouldn’t have needed to cheat on her!

According to him he was an amazing husband. He helped out around the house, he was an active, involved father, he made good money, he never yelled at her, he complimented her, and most importantly, he worked out like a fiend so he could be in great shape for her. Plus, he’s pretty sure that he’s awesome in bed so it wasn’t that he just didn’t do it for her.

I’m being unkind. His second wife seems to be very happy with his performance sexually. Coincidentally, she loves having sex and they have tons of it, so it really must have been the ex-wife’s fault that he cheated.

He’s also created charts that show exactly how much sex he was having with his ex-wife and now, his new wife, so he knows he was only having sex with his ex about twice a month and now has sex 4-5 times a week. He’s even older now than he was when he was with his ex but just look at him go! It’s probably all that working out he did.

Hey, I wonder if his wife got fat and that was another reason he had to cheat.

Karin does ask the question: Why not just ask your wife for permission to have the occasional fling or casual affair?

My answer is: Silly Karin. They don’t ask permission because that would spoil the fun of knowing something your partner doesn’t know. They don’t ask permission because that might put a crimp in their lifestyle. They might find themselves splitting their 401k and paying child support. Even worse, if they’re allowed to go off and have the occasional fling then maybe their partner can go off and have the occasional fling as well, and that’s just not acceptable! Cheater gets all the cake! And the ice cream, too.

His response was predictable. He didn’t want to “hurt” people. Ending the marriage would be a “disaster” and would end up hurting everyone- his kids, his wife, his in-laws. He also recognized he would become a part-time dad. More on that in a minute.

In the end he decided that having an affair was the honorable thing to do. It was the only solution. He could keep his family together and get his sexual needs taken care of. What a swell guy! I’m sure his wife appreciated him cheating on her instead of manning up and divorcing her. Throw in an STD for an added bonus!

It is obvious that he and his wife were not sexually compatible. We could argue about whether or not that is a reason to divorce your spouse. Some people have a high sex drive; others have a much lower one. The two of them, of course, lament the fact that the lower libido spouse is always the one that controls how much sex is being had. Naturally they think that either the high libido spouse should rule, or that they should come up with a compromise. I don’t know what the correct answer is. I know what it isn’t. You don’t go off and have affairs and think that will solve things. You don’t go off and have affairs and then try to dress that up as you doing something honorable or helpful. You don’t blame the fact that you chose to have an affair on your spouse and their unwillingness to have sex.

This is where it gets interesting. In an earlier post he talks about how he was afraid that he would never be satisfied by just one woman and he brought that up to his new, future wife fairly early on in their relationship. He concludes, four years later, that he is entirely satisfied by this new wife. Yet, he and his new wife are swingers, or monogam-ish. He is so satisfied with his new wife with whom he has amazing sex 4-5 times a week that they both have sex with other people several times a month. I do not think that word means what he thinks it means.

Furthermore, in yet another post, they (they write this blog together) talk about a swinging event they had where she was very hurt by the fact that he got a blow job from a woman without her (the wife’s) consent or knowledge. So I guess being allowed to fuck anything that moves didn’t stop him from going behind her back. Which again brings us back to the oft recited: It’s the thrill of knowing something your partner doesn’t.

Stay tuned for Part 2!

Which Woman Do You Want To Be?

Through reading various blogs and their comments I came across an other woman’s blog. Nothing unique or special about it. She did say something though that had me shaking my head. I’m going to paraphrase but it was basically: If I had to choose between being the other woman or being the deceived, bitter wife I would choose to be the other woman every time. I get to move on with my life, while the betrayed wife is stuck working it out with a cheater.

That’s funny because I thought to myself I would much rather be the duped and betrayed wife every time. Yes, what my kids and I went through was absolutely horrible. I don’t ever want to go through that again. But unlike that fine, upstanding OW, I would never want to inflict that kind of damage on another person’s life. Ever. I would take being cheated on any day over being the entitled, narcissistic sociopath that would choose to purposefully hurt another woman and her family.

I was also struck by her generalization that the OW gets to move on with her life, no hassles at all, while the wife is stuck working it out with the cheating husband, always wondering if he was at it again or pining for his mistress.

Does she not realize sometimes the OW wins “the prize”? She’s then stuck with a cheater herself. It’s that old adage: When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

Oh, I’m sure plenty of the mistresses who end up with the sparkly turd whole-heartedly believe he will never do that to her; they are super duper special and their vaginas have magical powers. He will never cheat on her, he will never complain about her, and he will never find her lacking in any way! No, she is definitely completely different from that ex-wife he lied to and cheated on; she is special in ways that the ex-wife could only dream about.

Of course, there are those mistresses who do realize their precious prize is a cheater, and while they’ll never admit it they definitely keep him on a very short leash. That sounds exhausting.

My favorite stories involve situations where the cheaters stay together, unhappily ever after. They know they’ve fucked up but they also know they’ve got an image to maintain. If they divorce it will only prove they ruined a family or two for nothing more than a few romps in the hay. It’s image management, baby! They will stay together come Hell or high water. Bring on the anti-depressants and the drinking problem! This is love, dammit!

Sometimes the wife (or husband- I’m using wife because it was an OW writing this, not an OM) doesn’t stick around and put up with his shit. Sometimes she kicks his ass to the curb and creates a new life for herself. Prime example? Chump Lady herself.

It took her a couple of attempts, but she finally did it. Now she’s married to a fabulous man, has a successful blog, a published book, another book coming, and a possible movie. The OW? She’s an alcoholic waiting on this guy who has strung her along over 20 years and at least 3 marriages to finally promote her from side piece to wife. Yep, sounds like she’s the winner in that triangle.

Look at my own situation. I forgave him the first time. I didn’t make that mistake again. I hightailed it down to a lawyer’s within two days of finding out he was cheating again.

Harley was riding high for a while. It was like winning the lottery in the beginning. All that money handed to her without hesitation. Her standard of living increasing 100%. Then he lost his job because of the drinking and she was forced to support him. For ten months. Finally he gets another job, and once again it seems like things are going great. He moves the new family into a swanky little subdivision. It was probably the nicest house she had ever lived in. Unfortunately,  he’s making a whole lot less, and the two nitwits made all their financial decisions without a final ruling in the divorce case. Now he has to pay his ex-wife approximately 2/3 of his paycheck and they’re stuck with a very expensive rent payment. It looks like once again Harley is going to have to bear the brunt of the financial struggle.

These two financial wizards blow through money like it grows on trees so I doubt either one has given much thought to the future and what retirement will bring. He’s lost half his pension. When it’s all said and done my guess is he will have given me around 70% or more of his 401k; he had to pay out almost $55,000 in arrears alone and that all comes out of his share.

I have a new life with a fabulous man that treats me wonderfully. We have amazing adventures together and I’m deliriously happy with him. Meanwhile, according to his own testimony Harley has to drive CF around, he’s unable to cope with being out in public or going to crowded places, and his attention isn’t focused on Harley and all her wonderfulness; he’s much too concerned with spying on and harassing me and those who are in contact with me. As my friend K told her ex’s wife one day after repeated trips to court, “I’m sorry things are going so badly at home between you two.” When the new wife indignantly replied that things were just peachy K smiled sweetly and told her, “Really? Because if my husband spent as much time trying to fuck his ex as your husband spends trying to fuck me there would definitely be a problem!”

There you go, Harley! There’s your prize. A raging, lying, cheating sociopath who is descending into madness. He’s so caught up in me and my life I bet he doesn’t even sit around the dinner table day dreaming about what the future holds for the two of you. Is he back to secluding himself in the bedroom, watching TV all of the time? Lucky you! You won!

No, I definitely would not choose to be the other woman. I have a soul. I know right from wrong. Unlike the author of the blog I perused I also realize there is no winning when you are the other woman. You’re either lied to and used as his convenient side piece and your heart is broken, or you end up with a man who lies to and cheats on his wife. No thank you.

When Your Boyfriend Has a Wife… 

I came across an interesting post a few weeks ago. It was entitled, “What Love Looks Like When Your Boyfriend Has a Wife.” I was going to entitle my own post, “When Your Boyfriend Has a Wife… You’re a Whore” but I’ve already been called bitter and angry this week so I thought I’d let everyone fill in their own ending to that title.

It’s a letter from an unrepetant mistress who writes a letter to the wife, explaining why she couldn’t stop having sex with her husband. Because love, people!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

To my boyfriend’s wife,

I know you know who I am, there’s no need for introductions. I didn’t know of you at first, and if I had, I probably wouldn’t be sitting in a coffee shop writing you this letter. As I sip my macchiato and think back over the past year, I’m yelling at myself. I can’t start this letter with lies. I have to be truthful, you deserve that. I didn’t want to know about you, I didn’t want to think there was someone in his life, therefore, I didn’t ask, I didn’t do my research. I just assumed, and you know what they say about assumptions.

Oooohhhh, she’s so sophisticated. She’s drinking a macchiato at the coffee shop! No McDonald’s coffee for her! No running around in the minivan, taking kids to soccer or piano. She’s a high maintenance, sophisticated kind of gal. The kind of gal that sits around in coffee shops, writing her opus as she sips her frothy beverage. The kind of gal that knows just because a man is married doesn’t mean he’s off limits. The kind of gal that pours her heart out to her married “boyfriend’s” wife and actually thinks she’s the poor, heartbroken victim in all of this.

I remember the night I really found out about you, he came home with me and we were getting ready for bed at 3am after a long night out, I saw his phone ring. He didn’t hide it, he didn’t lie, but we both knew we were already in too deep and at that moment it didn’t matter to either of us. He hit ignore and turned his phone over, and I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to know. Ignorance was my bliss.

Who is this guy that it’s normal for him to be out until 3 am without a word from his wife? You might want to rethink this whole love affair with this guy because he doesn’t strike me as the faithful type. I realize you think you’re super special and he won’t be out until 3 am when you’re the main squeeze but you’re not, and he will.

When you realized he was married that was your chance to do the right thing and leave. You weren’t ignorant. You just ignored the fact he was married. It wasn’t convenient for you so you chose to go with the ol’ “Ignorance is bliss,” defense. Only you were fully complicit.

I don’t know you, I only know what I see online, what I’ve been told and trust me, I know there’s three sides to every story. I do know that you and I are very different, that much is very clear. I know how much you hate me, I’ve seen the texts you send him about me. I don’t blame you, I would hate me too, and sometimes I do. You know just how to hurt him and you do it so effortlessly. Sometimes I think you gain pleasure by it, like it’s your way of getting even with him, and there’s been so many times I wanted to call you and just say STOP! 

Stop hurting him, start working on your marriage if you want it to work. But who would listen to me, I’m the reason you’re fighting. I’m the reason you feel insecure, and can’t move forward, and for that I am sorry.

Let me get this straight. You are fucking her husband. It seems pretty apparent that her husband is not trying to hide his affair from her at all. And you’re going to lecture her on hurting him

Hey! Do you know Cousinfucker? You two would get along fantastically. He lied, cheated, moved across the country and then took off out of the state but he acts like he’s the victim and he’s got a whole passel of idiots following behind him, nodding their heads as they jabber, “Yep, yep, yep. She’s a bitch. You’re the one that really suffered.”

Let me school you right here and now. There is no working on the marriage when he’s fucking another woman so save your lecture. Why don’t you tell him to save his marriage? He could begin by getting his dick out of you. 

Believe me when I say that the pain she is supposedly causing him is nothing compared to the pain of realizing that the person you thought had your back, the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, has cruelly betrayed you and is replacing you with another person. It sucks!

You must feel so powerful and mighty! So central to everything. I’m the reason you’re fighting, the reason you can’t move forward, the reason you feel insecure. And I want you to know I’m sorry. But not sorry enough to actually stop what I’m doing. #sorrynotsorry

I am sorry that you’ve been hurt, I’m sorry that lives have been broken, but I’m not sorry I fell in love with your husband. I’m not sorry that I’ve gotten to know a beautiful, talented man who has so much potential. I’m not sorry that I’ve allowed him a sense of freedom to be his self with me, no acting necessary. I’m not sorry that we’ve made incredible memories together, but I am sorry for how you found out. I am sorry that your world was shattered when you went digging through emails. I’m sorry that months after you thought it was over, you saw hundreds of text messages confirming otherwise. I’m sorry that once again, you found several hundred more. I’m sorry that I stopped caring if you knew, and only cared about my own heart. I’m sorry that I can say in all honesty that I don’t regret falling in love with him, but please, let me explain how it got to this point. I never intended to be evil.

Oy vey. Do you know what an apology is? It’s not saying, “I’m sorry!” and then following up with a list of things you are not sorry about at all. Your apology is all about making you feel better. 

You’re not sorry you’ve gotten to know this beautiful, talented man who has so much potential? Oh, please do tell us what is stopping him from achieving his true potential. Is it his evil wife who doesn’t understand him? I bet it is.

You’re not sorry you’ve allowed him a sense of freedom to be his self with you? Oh my! I think I just lost my lunch there. Really? Is that the tired old line he’s feeding you? “I just can’t be myself around my wife. With you I’m the real me!” Guess what? He’s not. He’s a liar all the time.

You’re not sorry you’ve created incredible memories together? Why should you? It’s not like you’re fucking another woman’s husband. Oh wait…

I did particularly love this one: I’m sorry your world was shattered when you went digging through emails. Nice! An accusation within an apology! That takes some talent and just more than a little mindfucking.

Yes, Helen, if you hadn’t been snooping through your lying, cheating husband’s emails your world would never have been shattered and then I wouldn’t have to issue this shitty apology to you. Way to go, Helen!

You’re sorry that you stopped caring if the wife knew you were fucking her husband? You’re sorry that you don’t regret falling in love with her husband? Isn’t that kind of like saying, “I’m sorry I enjoy having sex with underage students,” or “I’m sorry I enjoy conning people out of their life savings,”? You say the words but you don’t seem to comprehend what you’re saying. It’s almost like you resent having to apologize for your bad behavior.

“The other woman”, “home  wrecker”, “side bitch”, all terms you could use to reference me, but please know that no one (except for maybe a few coldhearted people) strives to be this. No one WANTS to break up a marriage, and no one wants to inflict hurt on another human. Love is a funny, funny thing and emotions do crazy things to us. They did to me, and I know they did to you too.

If you don’t WANT to break up a marriage or inflict hurt on another human then DON’T! Stop fucking her husband!

I remember vividly the day you found out about us. I was in my car, almost to the hotel, when I got a text that you were there. I laughed, I cried, I screamed, and I typed a simple “ok”. You had been waiting for me to walk in, but I was stuck in traffic that morning, so he found you instead. I often wonder what you would have said to me, would you want to talk, would you try to fight, would you just yell and ask questions? How selfish of me, but I was so angry thinking about how you ruined our weekend. You knew a lot about us, about me, but what you didn’t know is exactly what you were doing. You broke a piece of him that day, I’m not sure how, but you did. A piece that left him far more vulnerable than I had ever seen, and it allowed me to be there for him. What began as your way of ruining him and I, ended with you bringing us closer together. You threw pages of emails in his face and went on your way, and I spent the rest of the weekend by his side. We cried together, held each other, talked and told our deepest secrets, and that was the night I fell in love with your husband. I knew his demons, he let me in, and there was no turning back at that point.

What utter claptrap! You are a victim of your own bad romance novel. You truly are a reprehensible person.

As for her breaking a piece of him, well, let’s just say there’s no way that what she did to him could ever compare to the hell he inflicted on her by flaunting his whore in front of her. You’d better buckle up, sweetie; if he’s “broken” simply because his wife throws emails in his face after realizing he’s fucking you then he is a grade A, top of the line drama king who lives for the kibbles others throw him. You have fun with that.

If I told you I was under the impression there was a divorce coming, I’m sure you wouldn’t believe me, but that’s how I justified it.

Him and I discussed him moving out, divorce, what it meant for him financially, for us, for your family, and deep down I believed him. I remember one weekend while I was out of town, he called me so many times to get my opinion on apartments, talked to me for hours, and I thought, wow this is really happening. Every voice in my head screamed at me that they NEVER LEAVE! They never choose the “other woman” but my heart believed him, and so we continued this hollywood love affair.

Of course he told you that! He fed you kibbles, too. He knew exactly what to say to keep you on the line, in his bed, and on your knees. He told you what you wanted to believe. It’s not an affair if he’s already planning on leaving her. It’s not an affair if she doesn’t make him happy. It’s not an affair if we’re planning a future together. Hey- do you know what you get when you marry the guy who was cheating on his wife with you? A guy who cheats on his wife. Congratulations!

Over the past year, I’ve learned so much about him, I feel like I’ve known him forever. It started as silly flirting, back and forth messaging every few weeks. Then it became every week, then everyday, and before we knew it, we were making plans for lunch. Lunch turned into drinks, which turned into a night out, which turned into weekends in different states, which leaves us here. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know that him and I have a connection that I can’t explain. It’s not a fling for me, it’s not a “fantasy”, it’s not a claim to fame. You can keep the Hollywood perks, the award shows, the events, I don’t want that. That was never a factor in this relationship for me, and that’s where you and I differ.

Where do I even begin? Let’s start with this. You don’t flirt with married men. You don’t message back and forth every few weeks, and then let it turn into every week and then every day. You don’t make plans for lunch or drinks or nights out. You sure as hell don’t take off for the weekend. You made bad choices at every turn and then turn around and call it destiny.

No, you fooled around with a married man. You started off slowly, thinking you could handle it, and eventually it developed to the point where you were fucking him. It’s not fate. It’s two selfish people doing whatever they want to do.

You don’t have a connection. You’re having an affair. Everyone who is sleeping with someone they shouldn’t believes they have a “connection”. You know what a connection is? It’s yet another justification for piss poor behavior. He gives me the crotch tingles so we must have a connection. There- I’ve justified it.

And this: You can keep the Hollywood perks, the award shows, the events. I don’t want that. That was never a factor in this relationship for me, and that’s where you and I differ.

You sanctimonious, self-righteous bitch. How dare you presume to know why this woman fell in love with her husband? Shame on you for even trying to convince her that you’re not at all interested in any of that. Not only are you a home wrecking whore with no conscience, but you’re also a liar.

Oh Ridge, I’m not at all impressed by the million dollar mansion or the beach house or the Hollywood parties, rubbing shoulders with all the A-list stars. No- I love you for your potential!

Yeah, his potential to make you rich and famous and allow you to hobnob with celebrities.

You’re a topic in our relationship, and not for the reason you may think. As I said before, I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted to break a woman. I wasn’t thinking of you the first time we spent the night together, and that’s where I went wrong. He opens up to me about things I wish he wouldn’t, but I’m also thankful he does. I’ve put him in his place countless times when he’s mad at you. I’ve encouraged him to go to therapy, to listen to you, to do what he needs to do at home. I’ve promised him that if he wants to end this, I will go away without a word. I’m not the other girls (yes I know about them), who called and sent emails and photos and wanted to ruin you. I will go silently into the night and never look back, and he knows that. I’ve even tried to end things with him more than once. Mostly on nights I’ve had too much to drink and can’t control my tears.

Ah yes, you’re the better kind of other woman. The kind who gives him advice on how to improve his marriage while he’s having an affair. The kind who will go away if only he says the magic word. You only want to fuck him. You don’t want to send photos or emails or try to ruin her like those other girls.

Um… the fact that you know there were other girls is probably your big clue that the guy you think is so wonderful and full of potential is a lying, cheating sonofabitch with narc tendencies. If you do eventually get your way and he leaves his wife for you, you’re going to find yourself in her exact position. I wish you the best.

One night in particular stands out in my memory. It was pouring rain out, I had been out with a few girlfriends, and we talked about my recent trip with him. You posted a photo on social media of the two of you at a show, and this overwhelming sense of guilt came over me. What was I doing? Why was I continuing this when I knew it was wrong? I needed to stop, and on my way home, tears falling down my cheeks, I called him. He was at basketball with your son, he heard the pain in my voice and stepped outside where he listened to me cry for a half hour. I told him I was done, and without giving him time to react, I hung up. I thought that was it, I cried myself to sleep that night, and I thought to myself, I deserve that pain. I woke up to several calls and texts, and so continued this dangerous spiral.

Oh, you poor, stupid thing. You think he called and texted because he cares about you? Because he loves you? No, sweetie. You feed him delicious morsels of cake. You aren’t going to be allowed to leave him. He’ll discard you when he no longer has any use for you.

I used to think that I could walk away so easily, and the truth is, I can’t. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks after his first night of rehab. You know, the night that you forgot he was going, and didn’t so much as leave a word of encouragement for him. After all, he was going to appease you, since you were convinced he drank too much. He texted me on his break telling me he loved me, and he called me right at 9 when it got out. I wasn’t expecting that phone call, but I gladly welcomed it. He cried, an ugly cry, a cry I had never heard before, and we spent 2 hours on the phone. He was in your driveway, I’m sure you saw. At first I thought the cry was just an overwhelming amount of emotions, there was a pain in it that made me cry just as hard. He said that he didn’t want to go inside, he didn’t know how to act, because he left one of the most challenging nights, and he didn’t want to call his wife, he wanted to call me. That was when I knew that I can’t go knowing he doesn’t want me to. I can’t go knowing that what we have is so special and so rare. I fell hard for him, and now I’m in the middle of the ocean with no life boat, just floating and praying that I somehow find my way ashore.

Again, you’re blaming the wife. Oh, Helen, how could you forget your husband was going to rehab? You didn’t even bother to see him off. You forgot he was going!

Who told you she forgot? Him? 

He cried and told you that he didn’t want to call his wife? He wanted to call you instead? Kibble, kibble, kibble. He’s an alcoholic in rehab and he wants to make sure you’re still around when he gets out.

You can’t go knowing he doesn’t want you to go? You can’t go knowing what you two cheaters have is so rare and special? Lady, you need to get a job writing for Harlequin. What cheater wants his co-conspirator to leave him? You are of use to him! Of course he doesn’t want you to go. He’s got a nice little triangle going on here. He’s got his wife trying to convince him to pick her and he’s got you doing your best to convince him you’re the best choice. He’s in Heaven! What you have is not rare and special. It’s tawdry and selfish and the result of bad decisions and horrible behavior. Slap whatever mystic label on it you’d like. It is still egregious behavior.

As I sit here, the barista sweeping around me because I’ve been here for two shift switches, wiping a tear from my eye, I can’t help but to think of you.

That’s a nice touch. The barista sweeping around you, wondering what on earth this macchiato sipping goddess must be doing here. The perplexed look on her face as she wipes the foam from her lip. Is that a tear? What has pained this ethereal being who has graced this particular coffee shop with her presence? I must know her story, the barista is undoubtedly saying to herself.

I can’t help but think of what must be going through your mind today, knowing that you found out last night that we’re still “doing this”. I need you to know that I never intended to be in this love triangle, and I never wanted to be the “other woman”, but that man stole my heart. I know you must know how I feel about him, we both probably love the same things about him. The 3 grey hairs in his goatee that he refuses to let me tweeze, the goofy accents he makes when he feels uncomfortable in a situation, the way he takes longer than any other man I’ve ever met to get ready. We’re so different, you and I, yet so similar at the same time. You asked him what it is about me, and the truth is, I don’t know. You’ve seen me, every inch of me unfortunately, and you’ve read my deepest thoughts, things that were meant for his eyes. I’m sorry that we’ve caused you heartbreak, and I’m sorry that we both love this imperfect, beautiful soul, and he loves both of us.

I’ve reached the end and my brain hurts. This fabulous man so full of potential, your soul mate, the love of your life, he of the rare and awesome connection, repeatedly lies to his wife about ending his relationship with you. He. Lies. To. Her. Repeatedly. You both cause her immense pain and yet the most you can muster up is this pitiful non-apology. You excuse your behavior over and over again. You didn’t mean for it to happen. He stole your heart. You’re sorry that you both love this imperfect, beautiful soul (who lies and cheats repeatedly). 

The problem with all of this is that you act as though you’re both on the same playing field. You’re not. She’s his wife; she’s the one he married. She didn’t get to choose whether or not he took a mistress. 

You were an interloper. You knew he was married, or you apparently could have easily figured it out, but chose not to. You chose to get involved with someone who was already married. You chose to insert yourself into someone else’s relationship and then you act like your pain is equal to hers. You chose the triangle. She didn’t; it was forced upon her. Over and over again she thought it had ended only to find out you were still involved with her husband. 

Honestly, I hope she realizes she, too, has a choice. I hope she decides she’s better than all of this and the relationship she has with this lying cheater is not acceptable. I hope she kicks him to the curb and he comes crawling to you.

You’re wrong, you know, when you say you’re sorry that he loves you both. I don’t think he loves either of you. You don’t put a person you claim to love through that type of hell. And you already know you’re one of many side pieces. I think the only person that douche loves is himself.

Sincerely,

An unregretful, but incredibly sorry other woman.

Sweetie, you cannot be incredibly sorry and also tell someone you don’t give a fuck that you’ve been fucking her husband. When you’re genuinely sorry you absolutely DO regret your behavior and the pain it has caused.

It’s For the Best

There are few phrases coming out of cheater’s and their enabler’s mouths that I hate more than that one. It’s for the best. It all worked out. They’re both much happier now. They have more compatible partners. It was a blessing in disguise.

Fuck that! You know what? I am happier. The mobster is a much better match for me. He makes me happier than CF ever did. I am ecstatic that I no longer have to deal with his never ending list of issues or his constant unhappiness that can never be satisfied. I am glad I’m closer to family. I have realized how incredibly strong I am. My kids are thriving.

Those are all things that happened in spite of what he did to us!

He didn’t have an affair to make me happy. He didn’t have an affair so that I could see how strong I was. He didn’t have an affair so that his kids could be resilient. He didn’t have an affair to “free me from my burden of being his wife” or so that I could meet the love of my life. He didn’t have an affair so that I could move closer to family and the kids could be around their cousins. No, he had an affair because he wanted to. Because Harley the Whore was available and eager to spend our marital assets in exchange for her services. The only person he was thinking of was himself. He didn’t give a shit about our happiness. It was all about his happiness.

He never once considered us or what his selfish choices would do to our lives. So no, he doesn’t get to say it all turned out for the best. None of his sniveling enablers get to say it either. My kids and I, we found happiness and we thrived despite what CF and Harley did to us. I can assure everyone reading this that we were not even a blip on his radar when he made the decision to resume his affair with Harley.

That’s the sad reality with cheaters and their enablers. If they can point to the end result and proclaim everyone “so much better off” then they don’t have to consider all the horrible things that were done. They can ignore all of that.

“Oh, you were forced to move out of your home, forced to move out of the state, and had to tear your lives apart once again? La la la la la la la… I can’t hear you! All I see is happy kids and a happy ex-wife. (Of course, the most important factor is that CF and Harley are happy.) Nothing to see here, folks. Just rainbows and unicorns. All is well.”

Yes, I’m sure John Walsh is thanking his lucky stars that his precious sweet Adam was kidnapped and murdered. After all, it led to such a lucrative television career. When a child is missing in a store and they lock it down it’s now referred to as a Code Adam. How great is that? An ode to his child that never would have happened had a child predator kept his disgusting hands off that innocent six year old child. It all worked out in the end, right?

Bullshit!

I’ll go one step further. None of them- CF, Harley, Jezebel, Tammy Faye, Pastor Fake- care whether or not we’re happy. The only ones who matter are CF and Harley. I would venture to guess that they would actually prefer I be miserable, seeing as how I made poor pitiful CF so unhappy. I was such a horrible wife and person I deserve to live steeped in unending misery. The fact that any of us are happy only serves to assuage whatever tiny sliver of shame they may feel. Hell, probably not even that because I don’t think those people have a conscience. No conscience= no guilt, no shame.

So yeah, I’m finally happy. I’m not where I want to be yet but I’m on a path. I crawled through the bowels of Hell to get to this point. Almost two freaking years after finding out my husband is a lying, cheating, backstabbing, disrespecting piece of crap who uprooted me and my kids for a piece of gold digging, jailbird ass. I cried more tears in these last two years than I’ve cried in the rest of my entire life. I was completely broken. I lost almost everything. So many times I wanted to lay down and die. I kept going for my kids. That was the only reason because I sure as hell didn’t see a future for me. I dug myself out of this living grave, bit by bit. So when he or one of his cheater apologists want to tell everyone it truly was for the best and we’re both so much happier with our new partners (see Sam, he did you a favor!) I want to take a sledge hammer and smash their faces.

We’re all happy despite your cheating son/brother. My daughter was miserable for months. I went to Hell and back. We emerged from our misery; we fought back and we prevailed. Cheater Boy never had one moment of discomfort. He never had to comfort crying or disappointed kids. He never had to look them in the eye and answer their questions. He never had to watch as their lives as they knew them completely disappeared. He wasn’t around for the goodbyes. He wasn’t around for any of it. He chose a whore and her kids over his family. He was busy playing family with them so he didn’t have to deal with any of the fallout of his cheating. He went from the comfort of his former home, his wife, and his kids directly into a new home that he shared with Harley and her kids. When he left our home he chose to go; he wasn’t forced out, unlike us. He shed his old life like a snake sheds its skin. Out with the old; in with the new. There was no loneliness. He wasn’t discarded. He didn’t have to wonder if he was so hideous and unlovable that he would be alone forever. He didn’t have to wonder what would happen to him or his kids. He didn’t wonder what some other man had that he didn’t, didn’t have to wonder what made me turn to someone else. He never had to doubt his worth. He never had to wonder how he was going to support himself after fifteen plus years out of the workforce.

No! He cut me off financially, threw over $30,000 Harley’s way (while she cheated on him!), lived like a child free bachelor, used our home as an extended stay hotel, let me pay all the household expenses while he used the remaining money to play Sugar Daddy to the whore and her hooligans, sauntered off every weekend to fuck his whore, and created a brand new life that didn’t include his wife of 20 years or his teenage children.

To this day he refuses to do the right thing. He only paid his back support under court order and the threat of having to pay me an extra $10,000. He made one additional full support payment back in April. Since then he’s done nothing but play games. He hasn’t paid the equivalent of even one month of support.

I can assure you that any positives that have occurred since the napalming of our lives has been an oversight by CF. I’m fairly certain he wanted to destroy me. I sure as hell know he didn’t give one flying fuck about my happiness or his kids’ happiness.

Happiness was achieved in spite of him and Harley, not because their affair was some divining rod that brought bountiful blessings. So neither he nor anyone in his fucked up family get to say it was all for the best, or that it all worked out. I can say it. My kids can say it. He never gets to say it. He didn’t do what he did to make us happy. He only cared about himself and the whore.

CF, you and your entire family and fucked up friends can all take your chipper, “It’s for the best!” and shove it up your ass.

Watching Someone Else’s Shit Show

Three channels. That’s all they’ve got, according to Chump Lady. Charm, rage and self pity.

I’ve only seen rage and self pity from my shit eating chimp. My mobster gets to see all three from his lovely delusional STBX.

I wrote once upon a time that maybe I got lucky with CF basically vanishing from our lives. Watching my mobster go through the things he’s had to endure makes me at least somewhat thankful for my situation. I don’t have to worry about running into CF or Harley. That’s a constant worry for him. It’s a small town to begin with. They’re everywhere. She still attends events for the kids and often brings her man whore with her. I, on the other hand, never see CF and Harley.

I don’t have to watch my kids go off with him (or him and her) and wonder if they’ll forget about everything I’ve gone through to keep things stable for them, or if they’ll begin to accept the whore.

A mere two days after we began talking Mobster’s son graduated from high school. This meant he would end up seeing the STBX, especially because her relatives were staying with him.

Fortunately, she left her AP at home so Mobster didn’t have to deal with that. But at the end of the festivities she asked him if she could have a hug.

Are you taking notes? This person who has been lying, cheating, and gas lighting, who walked out on her husband and kids to go live with another man, is actually asking the person she has cruelly betrayed to comfort her. Can you believe this shit?

That’s what they do. They destroy everything. They do whatever the hell they want. Then when consequences hit they are suddenly the poor innocent victim in need of comfort and understanding.

Can I have a hug? I just want to make sure I can keep you on the hook. I’ll throw a few kibbles your way and let you think if you wait long enough you might still have a shot with me.

Can I have a hug? I’m suddenly realizing everything I’ve given up. And Mr. Perfect isn’t quite as perfect and wonderful as I thought. So maybe you could hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay and you still love me and want me no matter how badly I’ve treated you.

I told him from the very beginning that once she realized there was someone else that she would be back. It’s all part of what Chump Lady calls “hoovering”. They hoover around trying to suck you back in. He disagreed, saying she was happy with this new guy; he was everything she said she wanted. And she definitely didn’t want him back.

I then patiently explained to him that neither of his two points had anything to do with her coming back around.

You are her Plan B, her backup. You have never left her up until this point, even after everything she has done. You didn’t leave her this time because of the affair. You asked her to quit drinking. She fully expects you to be there when and if this new romance fails.

I’d go so far as to say she expects him to be pining for her even if this new relationship lasts forever. She considers him hers. No matter what.

That’s who they are. It’s what they do. They are selfish and think only of themselves. We are inconsequential to them. You hear about it. You read the wise words of those who have already traveled this path. But you don’t always fully believe it until you’ve experienced it. It’s fascinating.

Can I just tell everyone now that I am a freaking prophet? That, or I read a lot of Chump Lady. Because his STBX is hoovering hard. And she is flipping through all three channels like crazy. And again I find it fascinating because it is so completely textbook.

Shortly after discovering I existed she suddenly got a wild hair up her ass and decided she needed to get more of her belongings from the house. She had to go through their youngest, or maybe she chose to do so; either way she was highly irate that he had, up until that point, refused to have contact with her.

Oh, here it comes! Here comes the rage: You need to be a real man and talk to me.

Translation: How dare you cut off my supply? Why are you ignoring me? You want me! You can’t live without me! So start acting like it. Know your place and fall into line or I shall have to insult your manliness. You’re being a big meanie for ignoring me. You’re being a child! Grow up and grovel before me like a real man!

When rage doesn’t work she decides to flip the switch over to self pity. She tells him she tried to kill herself.

Translation: Don’t you want to worry about me and tell me not to do such things? Don’t you feel sorry for me? Ride in on your white horse and rescue me! Show me you care, dammit!

But wait! There’s more! She’s also able to turn on the charm. She told him he was the best she had ever had. And, when asked point blank what it was she wanted, did she want to still be his wife, her response was to assure him she would move back home in a heartbeat but the kids wouldn’t allow that.

Bravo!  I like what you’ve done there. Stroke his ego. Make him feel like he’s special and like he’s got something no one else ever will. Then keep his hopes alive by letting him think you’d dump your married lover and come back to him in a second if only the children you gave birth to would only accept you and let you live in the home they don’t pay for. Those damn kids!

Actually, I think my favorite part was when she coyly told him, “We can’t do this!”

kibbles-234x300

Oh, kibbles, kibbles! How delightful.

He shut that down quickly by telling her he didn’t know what the hell she was talking about and he was never having sex with her again.

And just to make sure she followed the textbook to a T she managed to pull out the ol’ “I want to be friends,” card. Again, stunning work. It’s not original at all but the copy was truly outstanding.

Yes, let’s be friends. I can’t imagine why anyone who has been lied to and betrayed wouldn’t want to be “friends” with the person who lied, cheated, backstabbed, gaslighted, and betrayed them. You don’t want to be friends with someone like that? That’s crazy talk!

Apparently in his quest for closure they met for coffee the next day. I guess that’s when he told her he was moving on and he had every intention of getting remarried someday. He wasn’t going to let her be his final chapter. She must have been on the charm channel, fully believing that his invitation to have coffee must be code for, “I want you back!”, because he said the tone of the conversation changed once he told her about his feelings for me and how he was going to marry me someday even though I thought he was crazy.

Then she told him she would call him at lunch. You’ve gotta admire her persistence. She cannot believe he would ever be done with her, can she? He told her not to bother because I would be calling and we always talk at lunch.

That pissed her right off; here comes the rage again. “Fine! Go have fun with your girlfriend!”

Thankfully he was able to see the absurdity in the situation as well.

As he said, so she’s pissed off that he’s seeing someone after she moved out of their house, left him and their kids, and moved in with her fuck buddy?

Yes, Mobster, that about sums it up. As I’ve told you you are her backup plan. You are supposed to sit around and wait for her. You are supposed to be at her beck and call. You are supposed to remain faithful to her until your dying day.

Now she’s back to texting and calling. He has her blocked on texting but not on phone calls so if she calls, her text messages show up as archived.

She called 11 times one evening and then turned around and called 14 times the next morning. And I’m not talking about “call once, wait 20 minutes, call again.” I’m talking about the “call him, hit redial immediately, hit redial immediately, hit redial immediately” 14 freaking times, kind of calling. I know this because we were video chatting when she began calling. He ended up shutting his phone off once we finished talking.

That’s some hard core hoovering! It screams, “Don’t ignore me!”

That doesn’t even touch on when she called him asking for help filling out her W-2s and then began crying because she was lonely. Doesn’t she have a boyfriend for that shit? Oh wait, there it is once again. Rage and charm have not produced the desired effect so maybe a little more self pity will suck him back in again. Why ask your live-in boyfriend for help and pass over a perfectly good chance to fuck with your STBX’s head?

To a cheater it’s perfectly rational thinking. They should never experience consequences because they’ve done nothing wrong. So when you leave your spouse for someone else and it’s not the perfect paradise you imagined OR you just can’t resist the idea of two people fighting for you, of course you throw a few bread crumbs your spouse’s way. Of course you expect them to offer you a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic hug or two, maybe even an invitation to jump into bed again for old time’s sake. Hey, I told you you were the best I ever had! You expect them to be there waiting if things go south or you decide the new flavor of the month isn’t quite as sparkly as you first thought.

As I said, when she calls the text messages show up as archived messages. Once again she’s flipping through those three channels, trying to find a little crevice she can wedge herself into.

Rage:  I thought you were an adult and could talk but I guess not.

Of course an adult would subject himself to your constant mind fucking!

Self pity: I’m having a seizure. Help!

Really? You’re suffering a medical emergency and your first thought isn’t to call 9-1-1 or the man you’re living with, but to text the man you lied to and cheated on and who is divorcing you? That’s some bat shit craziness you’ve got going on.

Charm: Mobster Lobster StarfishMan (or any other nickname she used)…

See? See how cute and charming I can be? Don’t you remember all the good times we had? Forget about the men I fucked and concentrate on the cute nicknames I used for you!

Self pity: Why won’t you talk to me? Please talk to me. I wish you would talk to me.

Why are you being so mean to me? Don’t you want to hop back on that pick me roller coaster? I’m insinuating you might still have a chance with me. Why aren’t you jumping at this opportunity.

Charm: Can we meet up and talk over coffee?

You might get lucky. <wink wink>

And my personal favorite… Rage: 25 years of love and friendship and my crap, no response from my best friend.

Yes, 25 years of love and friendship have been decimated because he won’t entertain your attempts to suck him back into the abyss of crazy and text with you or meet up with you. The fact that you cheated on him and in fact walked out on him and your kids plays absolutely no part in your marriage ending. You certainly weren’t throwing away 25 years when you moved in with another man. You fully expected him to wait around forever, quietly yearning for you while you flitted about and did whatever you pleased.

And the part about him being your best friend? O.M.G! If that’s the way you treat your best friend I’d hate to see how you treat your enemies. He’s no longer your best friend. Your new boyfriend should probably take over that role. I have a feeling he would be none too pleased to see those text messages where you’re begging your STBX not to ignore you and declaring him your best friend. I can tell you right now if I ever caught wind of Mobster declaring you to be his best friend I would be outta here so fast it wouldn’t even be funny.

It really is an amazing process to watch as it plays out. For his part he has handled it beautifully. He told me the other day he finally read all the texts and he felt nothing. He was simply done with her.

It would be very easy to get worried about this. They had 25 years together. We’ve had a couple months. Her walking out and him filing for divorce are relatively fresh. And she’s hoovering hard! I would imagine that might be hard to resist after so many years together and all that hurt. It must feel good to know that the person who discarded you now wants you back.

But here’s the thing. If he does choose to go back and ends things with us, I’ll survive. He’s wonderful. I want to spend every minute of every day with him. I will be devastated and I will cry and I will be broken hearted for quite some time. But I’ll survive; I’ve lived through worse.

Here’s another thing. She may have 25 years with him but a lot of those years were miserable, filled with lies and gas lighting and cheating and out of control drinking. He looks back now and tells me she was never happy, never content. As he likes to say, “She could win the lottery and then bitch that they gave her too many tens.” Wow! Sounds like someone I was married to!

She’s got rage, charm, and self-pity. Those are her only three channels now. Me? I’ve got nothing but laughter, good times, and dreams of the future with him. I’ve also got honesty, integrity and faithfulness.

So I’m going to sit back and watch this shit show, offering support and encouragement when I can. I might even say a prayer of thanks that CF figured out quite early that I wasn’t going to play. I realize he had already decided to discard me but he did want to keep things civil. Thankfully he didn’t care enough and/or was full enough on the ego kibbles Harley was throwing his way that he didn’t need to bother with me.

Watching her flip through those channels, trying so desperately to suck him back into the mind games is fascinating once you realize what’s really going on. I’m almost positive he gets it, too. He is offended that she would think he would wait around for her. I guess that means when he is faced with choosing rage, charm and self pity, or laughter, honesty, integrity, and faithfulness it will be a pretty easy choice.