It Brought Me To Where I Am

Oh cheaters… gotta love ‘em. Bless their selfish little hearts. I was reading on Facebook about “scandalous” cheating stories that rocked Hollywood. Spoiler alert: They were not that scandalous. Nor did they much rock Hollywood. They were all pretty run of the mill. What I took issue with though was Katharine McPhee and her response after being caught locking lips with her director.

He, of course, was married with children. Good ol’ Kat was simply married. Both marriages imploded. They aren’t together; I’m not sure the “relationship” lasted much beyond discovery. She was later quoting as saying, and I’m paraphrasing here, that she didn’t regret anything because it all led her to where she is today. Where she is today is divorced from her first husband and remarried to a man who is old enough to be her father, if not her grandfather. Her stepdaughters are older than her. But, he’s rich and famous and I’m sure her hope is that he will make her equally rich and famous. He tends to discard wives though so she had better be performing one hell of a pick me dance. I hope she’s able to keep that same attitude when her time as the latest Mrs. Foster comes to an end. Hey, Kat, it’s all leading you to where you are and were meant to be.

I’m pretty sure Claire Danes had the same attitude about her affair with Billy Crudup. He left his 7 months pregnant girlfriend for Claire. Shockingly, the relationship did not work out although they did manage to stay together for 3 years.

Actually, let me amend that. Claire’s position on this was that she was only 24 years old and in love; she felt she needed to “explore” those feelings, pregnant girlfriend be damned. She claims to have had no idea the repercussions that might come with dating a man who left his pregnant girlfriend in her last trimester of pregnancy. 

Really? Because I wasn’t even 24 when I had my first married guy come on to me and I was smart enough to realize that taking him up on that offer would have been the wrong thing to do. 

She said it was a very scary time in her life but she made it through. Whew! We should all give a sigh of relief at that blessing. She went on to say that everything worked out; thank God she and Billy are still friendly to this day.

A scary time in your life, Claire? I imagine it was a pretty scary time in Mary Louise Parker’s life, too. You know, what with being abandoned in her seventh month of pregnancy. After eight years with this guy. And having to see all the headlines and pictures of her longtime boyfriend and his new girlfriend together. Not to mention the amazing time she must have had handing her child over to his father, knowing that his home wrecking whore would have her hands all over her baby. Trying to co-parent with a fuckwit that puts his dick above his own child. Dealing with the public humiliation.

These people go through life acting as though they’re the only ones that matter. Broke up a family? Caused a woman to give birth by herself instead of with the father of her child by her side? Eh, it’s all good. It brought me to this awesome place in life. 

They really don’t give a moment’s pause to what they have done to anyone else. Katharine McPhee could not care less about the kids whose lives she affected. Does not care one bit about the woman she helped devastate. It brought her to where she is now. Claire Danes had no thoughts of pregnant Mary Louise Parker. Probably never considered what kind of a life their baby would have with his parents split up. No, she was in love and owed it to herself to “explore” that. Selfish, selfish people.

They Cheat Because Their Souls Were Starving (Oh Brother)

I needed the perspective. I needed the REASON why he did it. Much like you his only answer was selfishness. That wasn’t good enough for me. You say there’s no good reason but there is. You were lonely and sad and you felt unloved and unwanted and you were HUMAN; you were human searching for someone to feed your soul after a long time of starving. You say it’s not a reason but it is. Your wife has a responsibility in it just as I did. Leaving someone’s soul to starve and decimate over time no matter how depressed we were is still cruel; it’s still not ok. In its own way we should have let you go instead of handcuffing you to a dead person. Isn’t that the same thing as leaving someone before you cheat? They are both actions that denote consequences for another that is detrimental. If you refuse to accept your wife had some part in this I don’t see any hope for you.

I was bored this morning and wanted to languish in my comfy bed, surrounded by snoring dogs, so I read old posts from others I follow and I clicked on links and came across this. It was a comment on a cheating spouse’s blog.

As you can probably glean from the comment the actual cheater was not making excuses for the behavior. It was a betrayed wife who was making the excuses.

As far as excuses go I think this is the one that gets the most traction and the one I find to be the biggest load of bullshit.

I’m going to take a wild stab at this and guess that almost everyone who reads my blog has had a job at one point in their life.

Let me ask you, those of you who have had jobs, if you begin working for a company and over time start to believe you are underpaid does it ever occur to you to embezzle from that company? Do you ever start to think, “Wow! The pay and benefits here are horrible! They really should pay me more. I might be able to make more money elsewhere but I really don’t want to put forth the time and effort to job hunt. I know! I’ll just embezzle from them. Maybe fudge a few expense reports. If they paid me more I would have never done this.”

I’m genuinely curious because I do happen to know three embezzlers. Good grief, I’ve lived a colorful life! Thankfully, none of them were close friends. One was a friend of my mother’s and  happened when I was a child. One was the first wife of Pastor Fake. The third was actually an ex-boyfriend. To be clear, I was not dating him at the time.

All that aside I can honestly say it has never once occurred to me to steal from my place of employment because I didn’t think I was getting paid enough. My thought process has always leaned more towards, “Hmmm…. I should look for another job.”

Yet this seems to be a common refrain in the reconciliation industry. No, you aren’t to blame for your spouse cheating but you must honestly examine your marriage and see where the cracks were that led to the cheating. No matter how many different ways you try to spin it the question at heart becomes: What is it that you were doing wrong to make your spouse cheat? What are your faults? Where were you lacking? What can you do to improve?

I think that’s a very slippery slope you start to go down when you begin to explore that. Why? Because again, what it all leads back to is you are responsible for your spouse’s behavior. Your behavior determines whether your spouse will be faithful or will cheat.

Did your spouse feel abandoned by you? Like nothing more than a handyman and a paycheck? Did they feel like a cook and a maid? Did they feel like they couldn’t depend on you? Did they feel like they couldn’t talk to you about deeply personal issues? Did they feel like they couldn’t be their true selves around you? Were they lonely? Feeling sexually neglected? Did they feel like the two of you were nothing more than roommates? Were you focused solely on the kids? Did you no longer wear makeup or do your hair, or belch and fart in front of them, thus erasing the magic of your romance? Did you shut them out? Did you make them feel less than? Did you have poor communication?

Oh, ok! We can work with that! Just stop doing whatever it is that you did and then your spouse won’t ever cheat on you again.

The problem with that thinking is it doesn’t get to the underlying reason of why the cheating spouse thought that an affair was an acceptable solution to all of that. What happens when something else occurs in your life to take attention away from them? What happens if they begin to feel abandoned or betrayed or unheard or unappreciated again?

We don’t do this with physical abuse. We don’t ask the wife, “What did you do to make him mad?” Then when she goes through the litany of answers:  Oh, I didn’t have dinner on the table… I talked too much… I wouldn’t back down in an argument… My clothes were too sexy and he said I was flirting with other men… I blocked his view on the TV… I argued with him… I put mushrooms in the pasta sauce… He couldn’t find his favorite shirt… We don’t nod wisely and then suggest, “Stop doing that then! If you would stop arguing and be a better wife he wouldn’t beat you.”

We don’t ask a person what they did to cause their spouse to physically abuse them, so why do we continue to ask a person what they did to cause their spouse to cheat on them?

That brings us to the second problem with that kind of thinking. You’ve just told the person who betrayed you that ultimately they’re not responsible for their own behavior. YOU are responsible for their behavior. Your actions are so powerful that they will determine whether or not your spouse cheats.

Let me be very clear. I don’t think there is a problem with looking at a relationship and seeing where things went wrong. Acknowledging that you didn’t communicate well, or you never made time for yourselves as a couple, or you fought dirty is all good and fine. Work on the communication. Make time for yourselves as a couple. Resolve to stop fighting dirty. But don’t ever let anyone use those as excuses and justifications for infidelity. You were both in that relationship.

CF told everyone that he was nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman to me. He told me we were nothing more than roommates. He pointed out that we had barely spoken or had sex in the last 6 months to a year. What he didn’t point out is how his own behavior led to any of this. What he neglected to acknowledge is that we were both in that marriage and yet only one of us began an affair with our cousin.

That was the first time around! That was the time when I was eagerly hopping onboard with this idea that it was a marriage problem and if we resolved all of the issues that made him unhappy and led him to seek out another person then all would be okay.

Does anyone else find it absurd that he cheated and yet I was the one with the checklist of things to fix? I was faithful but I needed to fix this. He cheated but he had reasons and therefore nothing to fix.

The second time around was even more bizarre. I was accused of hating him. He’s a crying, drinking, isolating-himself-in-the-bedroom mess, and I’m running around like that guy who tries to keep all the spinning plates from toppling off the sticks and crashing to the ground. I’m taking him to the psych ward. I’m visiting every day. I’m bringing him goodies. I’m taking care of the house and the kids while he’s having a break down. I’m making his appointments. I’m going with him to those appointments. I’m cheering him on. I’m hoping to God he’ll come out of this slump and we can finally start to do things again as a couple. Meanwhile, he’s telling everyone how horrible I am and fucking around with his whore cousin. If anyone had a reason to cheat it would have been me! So no, I don’t give much credence to this thought that the cheated on spouse has to own their part in their spouse’s infidelity.

You can examine every inch of your relationship backwards and forward. You can see every flaw in your relationship, every crack that existed and even nail down who did what to whom and when. It still comes down to one person unilaterally making the decision to cheat. No one made them do it. It is a choice they freely made. I don’t care if they were lost. I don’t care if they were weak. I don’t care if they were manipulated. I don’t care if they hadn’t felt human touch in twenty years. Ultimately this person decided they were entitled to cheat. They decided that “job hunting” would be too much trouble so they were going to embezzle instead. Sadly, they have a whole army of people lining up to pat them on their little heads and tell them that it’s not their fault; they wouldn’t have done any of this if only their spouse had done things differently.

If you choose to believe this line of thinking I would suggest you ask yourself one more question: What has changed in this person so that the next time a crisis occurs or they aren’t feeling loved and special they don’t opt to go fuck another person?

Maybe because of my own experiences with being betrayed, forgiving, and then being betrayed again I am jaded. Or bitter. Pick whichever one makes you feel better. Nonetheless it is stunningly obvious that despite the fact that I was willing and eager to “own my part” and “look at what led to the breakdown”, despite the fact that I made all of those changes he asked for, while he made none, and despite the fact that I uprooted my children and agreed to move us 2000 miles across the country so that he could be happy, when he was faced with another moment of unhappiness/disappointment/crisis he resorted right back to his first response- cheating. He didn’t talk things out with me. He didn’t try to fix things. He took no responsibility. He simply resumed his relationship with Harley and blamed everything on me.

The Highlight Reel

This is the second part in my five part series on the stupidity of pain shopping. You can read the first part here. Let me serve as a lesson to you! Don’t do it!

I embarked on some “research”. First up was a new picture of her kids on vacation. It might have been Tennessee but it could have easily been somewhere else as well.

They looked like they were having fun. I don’t know if CF came along or if good ol’ Harley is finally learning the joys of life with him. In my mind he came along, because this is Life 2.0. He’s new and improved. He’s the doting husband and the beloved daddy, always ready for adventures with this new version of his family. Naturally, in my narrative he’s telling Harley how much he loves going on vacation and how I would never let him accompany us, how he missed out on so many of these adventures with his own children because of me.

Of course, I also notice the missing fourth child. I guess he wouldn’t play happy family or accept CF as his brand new daddy so he needed to be eradicated. Not even a mention of missing him.

I go back and forth between hoping he has a damn anxiety attack on the way back (or while there) that she needs to deal with and wondering if there was some magic formula I didn’t know existed that would have made him enjoy vacationing with his kids and me. Why does he do this with her and her kids when he would never do it with his own kids?

I see the pictures once again of the happy couple on their wedding day and honeymoon, I suppose. Everyone congratulating them and telling them how happy they are for them. I roll my eyes at the stupidity. It’s laughable. Two cheaters promising to love, honor and forsake all others. Yes, they’ve both got a real good grasp on how marriage is supposed to work.

I so badly want to comment and ask those people if they’re aware of the price her husband, her one son, my kids, and I all had to pay for their happiness. Do you think she’s entitled to happiness at my expense? At my kids’ expense?

I sleep on a couch. My daughter has spent two years basically with her head down just doing her damnedest to graduate and get the hell out of here, to start all over in college. My son, instead of hanging out with friends, stays locked in his room playing video games. We live on a busy street, not a neighborhood. There are no kids around he could hang out with.

But they’re happy and they deserve it because apparently I was a horrible, evil, mean person who tried to shit all over their happiness. No one cares what their happiness did to anybody else’s life.

She wants everyone to know that lazy days spent on the couch in front of the fire with her beloved are her favorite kind of Sunday. He’s got the remote in his hand so he hasn’t changed that much.

I see her incessantly calling him out, mentioning him, tagging him. “I love my veteran!”, “Waiting to watch the fight!” (from their home, on the couch, with him), and letting everyone know how they’re “getting their Halloween on”. Wow- you managed to get him to watch something other than Ice Road Truckers or Mountain Men? Congratulations! You didn’t get him out from under the television altogether but at least you’re watching together.

Again I wonder: Why not with me? Why can he suddenly do all these family and couple oriented things with her that he never could with me? Their life seems to be like a cozy, warm sweater. They carve pumpkins, sip hot apple cider, and watch Halloween movies together. I’m sure Christmas is now magical as well for him.

I see all their happy couple pictures and people cooing all over them. “Beautiful!” “Such a happy couple!” “So nice to finally see you happy!” My former in-laws are the worst offenders. And so incredibly stupid.

My late former mother-in-law shouts out to all on Facebook that, “That’s my baby boy and he’s going to make them my family, too!” Really? Aren’t they already your family? I could have sworn you told me that day you sat in my kitchen that you couldn’t cut her off because she was family. She might be a whore, but gosh darn it, Sam, she’s family, too! I see my evil ex sister-in-law gush that she loves them.

Funny side note: Maybe it’s a woman thing but I definitely noticed how Harley was always commenting on their pages once CF broke things off with her. She didn’t comment much at all before her affair with him but she was all over it once she got dumped. Imagine my surprise when I saw that she’s not falling all over herself to comment on every insipid post and each picture. Curious.

Always there are the obligatory compliments: You are so beautiful. Pretty. Great picture of you, whore.

I freely admit it has always been a sore spot that my former in-laws never missed a chance to tell her how wonderful she looked, while ignoring me.

I posted a new profile picture (obviously this was back when we were still married). Keep in mind I am not the type of person who changes profile pictures every week. That would be Harley. I think this was the first change in two years. Two years! On top of that I had just got my hair cut. I had kept my hair styled basically the same way for years! This was a major change and the most I got from any of them was, “That hairstyle looks nice on you.”

Maybe the former in-laws always thought I was very ugly and wondered what on earth their beloved prince was doing with such an unsuitable specimen. Maybe they like the Hillbilly Whore look. Who knows?

I do my best to shake my head and continue on.

I see all of the pictures of her adorable animals. Most of them purchased by my then-husband. Couldn’t give me money for a homecoming dress for his daughter but he could buy them new animals.

To inject just a brief moment of sanity in this I will note that I don’t see the pets she used to pose with. I wonder if she discarded them like she discarded her son and husband. Much like her new husband discarded his family and pets. Oh well, everything is replaceable, right?

I see her update on moving into their new home. That’s nice, bitch. I live with my mom. My kids don’t have a home of their own. It’s nice that thanks to my husband’s money (and he was my husband at this point in time) your kids are able to move into the nicest home they’ve ever lived in. It’s fantastic that things are going so swell for your kids. Well, except the one you abandoned.

Guess what? She later reveals she loves their new home. There’s so much for her kids to do! I’m so happy for them.

There’s the post about her youngest banging his head in the pool and needing stitches. Don’t worry, though, because New Daddy was on the job keeping him calm, happy, and stuffed with candy!

Awww… that’s so sweet. I’m glad he can act like a father for your kids. Too bad he’s done nothing for his own. To be fair he did manage to make a few ER trips with us (hey- my kid was a gymnast; she got hurt a lot!) but that pales in comparison to what he’s done to them the last 2 years. Maybe we should start calling her youngest, “Mulligan” since he seems to be CF’s do-over.

There were the pictures of the family outing to the zoo- two whole hours away to boot! I guess that PTSD must be in remission, huh? I suppose since he’s no longer trying to con me out of sufficient child and spousal support he can fully enjoy life as the asshole he is.

Oh, there it is! Yet another new profile picture of the whore so that everyone can compliment her and tell her how pretty she is. There’s CF chiming in, “Gorgeous!”  Really? I was married to that sonofabitch for twenty fucking years. Granted, he was not on Facebook long while we were married and most of the time I imagine he spent trying to fuck other women, but not once did he bother to compliment me.

It bothered me when I was married to him. It bothered me when we were wreck-onciling. He knew it bothered me. I told him it bothered me. His excuse? “I see you everyday! Why would I bother to comment on Facebook when I can tell you in person?”

That’s a good question. Why is he bothering to comment on Facebook when he could just go home and tell her?  Better question: If he really wants to let everyone know how special she is why doesn’t he tell her that she’s worth the thousands of dollars he has to pay out every month? I would think that would be a huge compliment! “Your pussy is so fantastic I don’t mind paying out thousands of dollars a month for it!” or maybe, “You were worth abandoning my children!” Hmmm… perhaps that does not convey the message they want to convey…

I see more pictures of the happy couple posing in front of scenery that does not resemble Kentucky. Maybe they travel a lot now. How convenient. It’s nice to know he spent twenty years wasting my life and making me do everything solo because he got such anxiety anytime he ventured outside of his house. I think the mobster is right and Harley very much is his seeing eye dog. With her by his side as his faithful companion he can go places he once only dreamed of.

One last new snapshot- one of her daughter and her two smiling sons. They’re all going out to celebrate her birthday. I think it’s wonderful that he can finally go out for birthday dinners once again. The last year he lived in the house, the last birthday each of my kids had before finding out that their family was going to be shattered and their lives torn apart, he was simply too upset and anxious to go out and celebrate. He stayed behind, probably texting the whore, while I took the two of them out. Who cares if he fucked over his own kids, right? The important part is that he’s doing right by her kids.

Once again I see the picture of CF with Mulligan at Show and Tell. It was Veteran’s Day. This year she improved upon the picture with a cutesy frame that told everyone who cared to listen that she loved her veteran. The year before though it was simply about how pleased Mulligan was that New Daddy/Cousin Daddy (Caddy?) could be there.

You know what I thought about? I thought about the time he snapped at Picasso because he wanted his dad to drop him off at school. Good ol’ Daddy was anxious and didn’t know how to navigate the carpool lane. The man can fight a fucking war and blow shit up, but a line of cars whipping through the horseshoe drive in front of the school just wipes him out.

I thought about the time he got pissy with me because I needed him to run to Target and grab a gift out of the dollar bin and bring it back up to the school for Rock Star so she could participate in her classroom Christmas party. As always, shooting people and blowing shit up is easy; a quick trip to Target is life threatening. He will probably need psychological counseling for the rest of his life because of it.

Once again I see them posing the day of her daughter’s cheerleading competition- him posing in a t-shirt with her high school name and mascot on it. Both of them gushing about how important it was to be there for her. “He must love her so much to wear that t-shirt!” “Oh, it was painful to put that Cardinals t-shirt on but I wanted to support her.”

He never saw his daughter cheer or compete as a cheerleader one single time. He never went to a single high school gymnastics meet. At the time he was saying this he had moved out of the state without saying a word to either of his kids and he hadn’t seen them in over eighteen months. Yes, it was so important that he support the daughter of the whore he’s fucking.

And always there are the comments. Comments from people I used to call family. Comments from people who still try to act like they care about me and my kids while they support that fucking whore and her kids. Comments from people who used to be family shouting out how happy they are with the jolly new couple, how much they love them, how much they love Everything. About. Them. They are so proud and this is their family. Tammy Faye cooing over the newest grandchildren. She loves them so much! Doesn’t seem to give a shit about her actual grandchildren but the whore’s kids? She was on that shit quick!

As tempting as it may be, don’t do it! Don’t pain shop. Maintain no contact (and that includes social media). You may think you can handle it, that it will be no big deal, but feelings will come. I promise you this. Even if the majority of those feelings are rage and anger it is still a lot to deal with. It can still mess with your head. Even knowing they are masters at image management, even knowing that truly happy people don’t have to make a huge show of their relationship every day and every hour on social media, even knowing he is the problem and she is a whore, it can still make you doubt yourself.

The Myth of the Sexless Marriage

I was reading a conversation over on DC Urban Moms and Dads. The original poster asked why on earth anyone would recommend Chump Lady’s site because she was so bitter, angry and negative. Several people patiently pointed out that anger is useful to get you through the initial phase of being discarded and accepting what you married. Others pointed out her tag line is: Leave a cheater, gain a life. She’s not into the reconciliation business. Eventually it meandered over into the fact that men NEED sex and that most people who cheat do so because of sexless marriages.

Well, of course they do! It couldn’t be the fact that the person has bad character. It couldn’t be the fact that the cheater lacks impulse control, or feels entitled to anything he or she desires. It couldn’t be the fact that they act like toddlers, throwing a tantrum anytime things don’t go their way. It can’t be that they are needy and clingy and are bottomless pits of need. No, it must be because their spouses (wives usually) have cut them off from sex, forcing them to cheat. They wouldn’t do this awful thing if the “refusing” spouse would simply hop into bed and participate. This is not their fault! It’s the cheated on spouse’s fault!

Why not divorce? Coz reasons! It’s no fair that if my wife cuts me off from sex and I believe that’s a deal breaker then I have to be a grown up and make hard choices. One person even put it like this:

I’m not comfortable defending the position of a cheater but…

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice. Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life. That’s a ridiculous choice to have to make. So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Oy. And vey. Dramatic much?

A wife who unilaterally chooses to be sexless gives her husband a Hobson’s choice.

First of all, who are these wives this person speaks of who entirely cut their husbands off? There is a difference between, “I want to have sex six times a week but my spouse will only give it up twice,” vs. “I haven’t had sex in five years.” Not to mention, cheaters lie. It’s what they do.

CF will tell anyone who will listen that we hadn’t had sex in ten years. That is an outright lie. He will also tell people he is an Army Ranger. That is another outright lie. He lies. It’s what he does. I feel like I’m in a fucking Geico commercial!

In addition, the only spouses I’ve ever heard of who cut their spouse off sexually were the cheaters! They did it to maintain control. Meanwhile, they were out there screwing anything that moved.

Either cheat or divorce, and along with divorce comes a free raping by the divorce court. Losing their kids, their house, half their stuff…

Secondly, if you do even the tiniest bit of research you will find that it is generally women who pay the greatest price when it comes to divorce. Hell, I know I got a great deal compared to some people but my standard of living is still far, far below what it was. I will again remind the reading audience that while CF is indeed paying out in excess of 60% of his paycheck to me, he’s doing so because he refuses to leave his sweetie behind to find a better paying job. He was imputed at his previous wages. Even with a ten month gap in employment and being basically fired for drinking on the job, he managed to get a $100,000/year job. I finally got one for $11/hour. He lives in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom 3000 sq. foot home which looks eerily like our old home in Virginia, with a community pool and a community clubhouse. I live with my mother, have no bedroom to call my own, and sleep on the couch.

Sure, there are stories of women who take their husbands to the cleaners. The ironic part? They’re usually the ones cheating. I know far more women who have been left destitute after a divorce.

…and the added bonus of continuing to pay the person who caused this for the rest of their life.

I’m pretty sure CF must have written this. Yet another person lamenting having to pay “for the rest of their life.” No, it’s not the rest of their life. In many states they pay nothing aside from child support! Child support ends at some point. Spousal support ends at some point. In my case it will end in 16 years. That is hardly “the rest of his life”.

I loved this though: So in that case, cheating is not a wholly unreasonable solution.

A wife whose husband has become sexless can make a legitimate choice to divorce with limited negative consequences, so there is no excuse for them to cheat.

Nice! So men are forced to cheat because otherwise they may have to give up some of their stuff. Women, on the other hand, never have an excuse to cheat.

It’s too bad some of these people never grew up. If they had they would understand that sometimes doing the right thing isn’t easy. They would understand that on occasion you get to choose between two shitty things. These poor babies just assume the fact that divorcing comes with consequences they don’t want to face means they should be excused for cheating.

Could we please stop acting like women (or whoever is withholding) have all the power? It’s not like a stay at home mom who is “refusing” to have sex has nothing to lose if her husband leaves her. Many states start with 50/50 custody so she stands to lose her kids. Even if she has primary custody she still misses out on weekends and holidays with her kids. A woman who divorces may find her children being raised by another woman. After reading a Mom vs. Stepmom debate board for over ten years it seems to me that women are much more territorial when it comes to the children. Many states have no alimony, so even if she does get custody of the kids, she won’t be receiving it any longer than 18 years and it will go down as each child ages out. Her chances of finding a job where she makes as much money as her husband are fairly low unless her degree is in something that will remain current- think nursing. I’ve known women who were teachers, IT professionals, and accountants who struggled going back into the workforce after years of staying home with children. If she was already working then he’s not going to end up paying her alimony anyway, if they live in a state that awards it, unless he makes significantly more than her. And, if their salaries are very similar he might not end up paying her much in child support either- probably none at all if custody is 50/50.

It’s all a narrative to justify cheating. Those trying the hardest to justify it keep referring to the “refuser” in the relationship and how that person is the one who first broke vows. Apparently, one of the vows you make when you get married is to have sex on demand. If that vow isn’t met then the other spouse is justified in cheating, or so their theory goes.

Even when it’s pointed out that if that is indeed happening then both parties know they are not having sex. The person being refused sex is not left in the dark. When the other person decides to go outside of the marriage both parties are not aware of it. When that is pointed out, and divorce is offered up as the responsible response to such a situation (not getting all the sex you deserve) they once again chime in with, “But… consequences! Why should I suffer any consequences for any of my decisions? I have to cheat. I deserve to cheat because they won’t do what I want them, no NEED them, to do.” They are nothing but big ol’ cake eaters.

Here’s another truth. It’s not about the sex. If he’s getting it twelve times a week at home then he’ll complain that she won’t do anal, or oral, or some other thing. Or it’s that she won’t do a threesome or let him watch her have sex with another guy, or participate in a gang bang, or agree to an open marriage, or participate in S&M. Look at the swinger from last week. He and his wife are having sex upwards of five times a week and he wants to be able fuck strange on the side. His complaint about his first wife wasn’t simply that she only wanted sex a few times a month. It was also about the fact that she wasn’t willing to indulge his other fantasies.

If you read Chump Lady you will hear that narrative over and over: I had plenty of sex with my husband, but he went looking for other sources because I wouldn’t… (fill in the blank).

People don’t cheat because they’re in sexless marriages. I would be willing to bet that most of them who make that claim aren’t even in sexless marriages. They cheat because they feel entitled to cheat. They cheat because they want to eat cake, as Chump Lady would say. They cheat because nothing is ever enough for them and no amount of groveling and catering to them will ever make them happy or satisfied. They always demand more. They cheat because they don’t want to have to do the hard work of filing for divorce and going through everything that entails. It’s far easier to keep your spouse and some strange on the side, than it is to be honest and do the hard thing. They cheat because they have convinced themselves that it’s YOUR fault. You’ve made them do this; the poor lambs didn’t have a choice.

Don’t fall for the narrative, folks. People with an ounce of common sense don’t ask what the rape victim could have done to prevent the rapist from raping her/him. People with an ounce of common sense don’t tell the battered spouse, “If only you would do (fill in the blank),” or “If you wouldn’t do (fill in the blank) your spouse wouldn’t be driven to abuse you.” People with an ounce of common sense should also realize no one makes another person cheat. It’s a damn choice. Own it!

#riseup

Do We Ever Learn?

On the heels of my uplifting previous post… Drew over on thezombieshuffle wrote about the divorce rates in North America. According to his research the rate of divorce for 1st marriages is 50%, 67% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.

While doing a little research of my own I came across some statistics from Dr. Phil. His statistics aren’t quite as bad. According to him your chance of divorce in your first marriage is 35-40%. Hey, you’ve been given a 10-15% bump up in success rates! Hooray! Your chance of divorce in a second marriage is 60-65%, giving you a slightly better chance by a 2-5% margin. If you choose to marry a third time (hello, Jezebel!) the chance of divorce climbs to 70%+, which is a slight 3% bump from Drew’s figures.

Regardless of whose figures you use it seems apparent that your best chance for happily ever after is your first marriage. Statistically speaking, of course.

The bigger question he asks though is this: With the identical trend of the rising rate of divorce the more times you walk down the aisle, do people actually learn anything from their failed marriages? Follow up questions: Are relationships a waste of time? Are they all fleeting?

I think more than likely he hit the nail on the head with his first question. I think people don’t learn. Look at cheaters. CF constantly plays the victim. Nothing is his fault. His relationship with his kids is in the toilet, but it’s not his fault. Oh no! It’s mine! I’ve poisoned the kids against him.

I’m taking all of his money. But that’s not his fault. I’m just a greedy, money hungry bitch. His behavior didn’t play even a tiny bit into what has happened to him.

He was forced out of his home. He had to quit his job. He has a drinking problem. It’s all my fault. I didn’t love him. I didn’t take care of him.

He’s not unique. Most cheaters blame the spouse they’re cheating on. They blame us for all of their ailments and failures and unhappiness. And then they turn around and blame us for their affair(s).

You didn’t grow a garden. You didn’t fetch me my slippers. You didn’t wear sexy underwear. You got bald. You wouldn’t help with the kids. We didn’t have sex (often enough or ever). You didn’t support my new pumpkin patch business! You didn’t support my passion for crab racing! You didn’t understand me!

Nothing about where they went wrong. Nope. Just pick a different partner and everything will be tickety boo.

This can apply to almost anyone though, not just cheaters. Many people think the partner is the problem and so long as that changes everything will be fine. Others love that “in love” feeling and bail when things get difficult. Still others can’t bear to be alone so they quickly get involved without ever looking at themselves and the choices they are making. Others are just flat out crazy! No seriously, they have mental health issues that don’t make them suitable partners for anyone.

When you start looking at second and third marriages you have additional complications. There could be an ex or two in the picture, children that aren’t yours, schedules that have to be coordinated because of custody. Then you have money issues: child support being paid, how to fairly distribute funds, what to do when one of you dies. There are family rules to settle and how much authority does the new spouse have? Are your families going to blend? There could be differences in how you raise your children versus how your new spouse has raised his/hers. All of those things complicate the relationship far beyond that first marriage where neither of you had children from a previous relationship or an ex-spouse. Considering all of that I’m not surprised subsequent marriages face an uphill battle.

My favorite Dr. Phil statistic though was the chance of a divorce for a relationship that begins as an affair. He puts it at right around 95%. I guess Chump Lady wasn’t too far off the mark when she described marriage between cheating partners as a farce registered at Macy’s. Or as another reader’s lawyer described it: Repeat business.

The Irony of the Happiness Argument

This comment from a reader over on Chump Lady pretty much sums up how ridiculous the argument, “He/she deserves to be happy!” is:

Weird, isn’t it, that in this view everybody except the betrayed partner and the kids “deserves to be happy.” Cheater gets happiness. AP partner gets happiness. Their families, friends, colleagues, and eventual wedding planner get to be happy about their happiness.

Actual spouse and kids? Weirdly, the happiness train does not stop there. Of course, the kids can ride every few weeks, if the cheater has time, if the AP doesn’t object, if the betrayed spouse drives them to the station and pays for the tickets, and if they are not old enough absolutely to reject the whole idea of playing along with the rules of bizzaro world.

And when the chump finally gets it, escapes from that train wreck, and goes totally no contact with cheater and cheater’s weird world? Why, there’s the evidence that chump is anti-happiness, which is considered overwhelming evidence of why cheater needed to cheat.

Hmmm. Pretty brutal, this “happiness” thing. I’ll pass.

When your happiness is achieved at the expense of others you aren’t pursuing your own happiness. You’re being a selfish, entitled, spoiled nitwit.

It Is Time

I’ve been mulling this idea over for a few months now. I know I write an awful lot about my own circumstances, especially since my life took such a drastic turn back in 2016. When I started this blog I really wanted to expand beyond my own situation and offer some sane advice to others who are dealing with this, whether they are in the discovery phase, the reconciliation phase, or in the middle of a divorce. I was reading Chump Lady one day and she said something to the effect of, “I’m only one voice. I can’t do this by myself.” And this gave me hope because I do want to add my voice to hopefully turn the tide on how we look at infidelity. It kills me when I read blogs by people who are going through this, hoping to reconcile, and their spouses are being absolute shits, refusing to give them answers, treating them like crap, blaming them. I want to scream out, “It’s not your fault!” I want to tell them cheating is an entitlement issue, a character issue. I want to point out that if sad little spouse cheated because he/she was unhappy, you were in the same marriage and yet you didn’t cheat. How could that be? I want to tell the cheated on spouse all about the blame shifting mindset of, “It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction to it.” I want to point out all their false equivalencies. Yeah, I cheated. But YOU never put the lid back on the ketchup. You never wanted to play golf. You snored. Or even better, the sneering, “Oh, you’re so perfect. Sorry I’m not perfect like you!”

Really what I would like to see, what I hope eventually happens in all this claptrap of open marriages and polyamory and how humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, is to see people no longer tolerate infidelity. I’d like to believe that the tide will shift, like it shifted for domestic abuse and rape.

I know; I know. Neither of those examples are without fault. There are still travesties of justice. But as a whole we no longer tsk tsk and ask what the wife did to make her husband so mad. We don’t ask her to take responsibility for him shoving her down a flight of stairs or knocking her head into the wall or punching her. It is not perfect yet, and there will always be those who excuse it, but we are less and less likely to put the onus on the abused spouse.

Similarly while examples abound in the news of men getting a slap on the wrist we are making strides in getting the message out there that rape is not about sex. It’s about power. It’s about having control over another person. It’s not because a girl wore a short skirt or had too much to drink. Hell, men get raped as well. We are putting the responsibility back on the person who is actually committing the act, and not asking the person who was violated to take responsibility for that person’s behavior.

There is a woman on another board I frequently read and she does not like the idea of self-defense classes for women at college. She thinks it puts the responsibility on the female to not get raped. And yet this same woman has said about cheating, “It’s a symptom, not the disease. It is an indication of a problem in the marriage.” She would never dream of telling a young college girl that it was her fault she got raped, but she has no problem with distributing the blame in a marriage when one part of that couple cheats.

I have hope that one day instead of blaming the betrayed spouse we put the blame where it belongs- on the person who cheated. I have hope that one day we won’t ask what the spouse did to cause their partner to stray. We won’t look at the woman who has gained weight since the wedding day and cluck disapprovingly, “Well no wonder he cheated; she let herself go!” As I’ve pointed out many times beautiful, thin women get cheated on all the time.

I want to believe as more voices start rising up that we will combat this insane idea that only those who are “perfect” don’t cheat. Or that being unhappy entitles a person to destroy their spouse.

I long to see the day where people recognize that cheating is an entitlement problem. It is a character problem. I was not a perfect spouse but I sure as hell didn’t deserve what CF did to me and our kids. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. He had a plethora of decisions he could have made instead of cheating. You don’t need to be perfect in order to have a faithful spouse.

I have hope that people will be called out when they toss out such stupid remarks as, “Life is too short to be unhappy,” or “We live in an age where we’re not forced to remain in unhappy relationships.” Yes, by all means, seek out happiness. Don’t remain in a relationship if you are unhappy. But don’t cheat either! I’m sure it will come as a huge surprise to many cheaters out there but you can actually file for divorce without having another person in your bed! It’s crazy; I know!

When people yammer on and on about how monogamy isn’t natural I look forward to people informing those idiots that antibiotics and other medications aren’t natural either. Indoor plumbing and electricity aren’t natural. And if you want to go all, “In nature…” on me. Well… in nature a lot of nasty shit happens, like the weakest of the herd being killed off, or killing the offspring of the former alpha so the females will mate with the new alpha, or starving to death. Cheaters aren’t usually big on consequences. Then again they usually think they are the best in show and above all the rules.

I hope that one day, instead of going back to, “Infidelity is a private matter between two people,” or “Cheating is a symptom and not the disease,” people start to look at what toll infidelity takes on everyone. That is one of the reasons I was upfront about it on Facebook once the divorce was finalized.

Cheating is romanticized and minimized. But it’s not romantic and the impact it has on everyone in its wake can be devastating.

Look at the kids whose lives have been upended. Look at displaced stay at home moms who are suddenly thrust into the workforce making next to nothing. I was lucky; many states don’t have alimony. Look at men who have to paternity test their children, or who lose everything in a divorce to their cheating wife.

My kids and I lost our home thanks to my husband’s cheating. My kids were forced to change schools and move out of state. I worked two jobs to make ends meet and still didn’t have much while CF and Harley lived it up. My kids suffered. I’m no longer around and available for them like I have been in the past.

I also realize I had it easy compared to some of the stories I’ve heard. College funds drained. 401ks liquidated and spent on Schmoopie. Hundreds of thousands of dollars being spent on gifts and trips. People losing everything in their divorce- their house, their children, their business. People who have only been with one person in their entire life finding out they have an incurable STD (or even a curable one). Women losing babies or babies being put in the NICU because of STDS. In some instances lives were threatened, poisoned, and even ended. Those stories need to get out there.

I know. It’s not fun and exciting. It makes people uncomfortable. Especially if they truly believe it when we tell them it’s a character and entitlement problem because that means there is nothing they can do to prevent it from happening to them.

I want to believe that at some point we stop acting like we owe nothing to another person. So many people want to minimize cheating, want to minimize what role the affair partner plays. They want to be seen as sophisticated and edgy and nonjudgmental so when they hear of someone having an affair with a married person (or just hear of someone having an affair) they play it off as though it is no big deal. Or, you know, they didn’t owe anything to anyone.

No! You do owe it to others in society to be decent. It is not okay to fuck another person’s spouse. It is not okay to lie and deceive another person. You don’t have to owe them anything in order to not do that to them. It is a bad thing. If you are perfectly willing to fuck another person’s spouse because “you don’t owe the spouse anything; you didn’t make vows!” then you are a shitty human being. Those things need to be said. People who do crap like this need to stop being given a pass. It isn’t edgy or hip. It is destructive. It hurts people. It hurts families.

The good news is more of those so called sophisticated articles romanticizing affairs are being called out. People are pointing out that cheating is not your only option. Commenters are stressing character. They’re not buying the bogus excuses. They’re not allowing the wool to be pulled over their eyes.

Yes, I’m still going to be offering up recipes, ranting about random things, talking about my mobster, and chronicling my “adventures” with CF, but I’m also going to stick around so that I can continue to call bullshit on the people who say it’s no big deal and that it’s a marriage problem. No, it’s a character issue; it’s an entitlement issue. I’ll say it over and over again until it sticks. I’m going to continue to call bullshit on cheaters who offer up lame excuses, defend their atrocious behavior, and try to tell cheated on spouses how to behave. Yes, because if I’m going to take advice on how to improve my marriage I’m definitely going to listen to the lying cheater. What’s that? I should fetch him his slippers and draw him a bath and fuck him wildly several times a day? Tell me more! I’m going to continue to call bullshit on the mistresses who say if they had to choose they’d rather be the mistress than the betrayed wife because they get all the great parts of the relationship and none of the mundane shit, or they’re free to walk away and get on with their life while the wife has to deal with the aftermath. Or the ones who preen around, who tell everyone they’re not doing anything wrong and they don’t have a problem with being the mistress. I don’t give a crap if you didn’t make vows to me, slut-o-rama. Are you married to my husband? No? Then don’t ride his dick! I’ll continue to call bullshit on any of the dumbasses who defend them and the people who tout an open marriage as the best way to combat infidelity. When a person cheats they get off on the fact that they are deceiving their partner. They know something you don’t know! An open marriage would never fly. There’s no fun in that when you’re allowed to do it. They also certainly don’t want the other person off having a little fun of their own. Hey, that’s my spouse appliance. No one else gets to play with it. Hands off! I’ll continue to call bullshit on the reconciliation industry which preaches forgiveness at all costs, and tells a person who has just been knifed in the heart that they need to own their part in this. Fuck that! I keep going back to this: If I couldn’t make him eat a damn turnip then I don’t see how anyone thinks I could have made him be faithful.

Ultimately, I will continue to hope that more and more people join in and spread the word.

 

#ItIsTime #RiseUp

Texts From Idiots

I’m still waiting on a verdict, and I’m still pretty superstitious about saying too much before I hear what is happening so I’m going to leave you with CF’s marvelous texts to me in the aftermath of discovering he was a liar and a cheater, and my replies to those texts. Enjoy!

September 2015

Today is shaping up to not be a good day.  I think it’s finally hitting me and I’m crying.  I spent most of yesterday researching spousal support and tax laws and trying to figure out how much to put aside in taxes each month.  That was sure fun!  If he agrees that it won’t be tax deductible for him I may not have to claim it but I don’t expect him to do me any favors.  He’s been such a standup guy so far, right?  Cousinfucker!  I hate his fucking guts.  I told a friend yesterday after she joked about him dying and doing us all a favor that I prayed for that to happen.  Every fucking weekend he goes down there I hope with all my might that he’ll drive his car off a fucking mountain and die.  I go to sleep thinking about it and how I would handle everything afterwards.

First, I would call the phone company and cancel the whore’s cell phone, along with her daughter’s.  Then I would have my lawyer draft a letter to her, demanding the return of the cell phones within 10 days or I’d be suing her.  I’d cremate him and then just throw his ashes away in the dump.  I had originally thought I’d toss them on his mom’s doorstep but I decided that was too good for her.  No funeral.  No memorial service.  No obituary unless I was able to add in there:  He is survived by his wife and 2 kids, his mistress Harley Skank-Tramp and her 4 kids……  And I’m not sure the paper would let me do that.  No headstone.  No marker.  No nothing.  If his family wants to pay for one they are free to do so.  But I’m not spending a dime on the asshole.  They should be thankful I claim the body at all!  And then I’d look into seeing if I could sue Harley for the money Zack gave her since he’s dead.  Oh, oh, oh- I just added a detail.  Instead of informing Tammy Faye and everyone else I would contact Harley.  Hello, whore.  I’m texting you to let you know Zack is dead.  Automobile accident.  You can inform his family because I won’t be.  Or maybe I just wouldn’t contact them at all.  She could find out when her phone was shut off and when he wasn’t answering her texts.  I’m sure she’d call his mother and have her try to contact him.  And then when she couldn’t get ahold of him she’d have to break down and call me to see if I knew where he was.  Yep, the police contacted me a couple days ago.  He’s dead.  I had him cremated.  Good bye.

Thankfully the crying has passed now.  I’m just so overwhelmed sometimes.  I know we have to sell the house.  I could make ends meet- probably- on what he’ll more than likely be ordered to pay, but money would be tight and there would be no savings.  The mortgage is almost $2100/month.  During the summer our electric bill is over $350.  Those 2 payments alone take up almost half of my spousal support.  Then I start looking for a place to rent.  I need a place that will allow pets and it needs to be in my kids’ school zone.  A fenced in backyard would be a plus.  I’ve been looking and it seems like there is nothing that fits that description.  And then I’m looking at $1600/month for a house that’s less than 2000 sq. ft.  I know we have a big house, probably bigger than we need.  But I like our big bedrooms.  I know Rock Star likes not having to share a bathroom with Picasso.  That’s all going to be over.  I can’t find anything with 3 bathrooms that I’ll be able to afford.  I will probably have to go back to work but I’m not going to be making shit and on top of that if Zack knows I’m working he can always take me back to court and try to get spousal support changed.  I’ll probably be working a shit job just to keep our heads afloat.  And meanwhile he’s off having the time of his life.  I swear to God, my goal is to ruin him.  I want him to commit suicide if his fucking car doesn’t crash.  I know I’m evil but I just don’t care.  I want him to hurt like I’ve been hurting, like my kids have been hurting.

I was at a point where I could safely browse Facebook.  I don’t look at his page.  Or hers.  It just hurts too much.  She’s fawning all over him and nobody chimes in, “This is all kinds of fucked up!”  But I do look on my own news feed.  Today, seeing all the happy anniversary wishes just made me so sad.  They already made me sad before because I felt like I just couldn’t participate on our own anniversary, but now seeing all these people celebrating 20+ years made me incredibly sad and I could feel the tears starting.

Anyway, I promised to write about the text I did send when he asked me if I was ok since he didn’t see my car when he left for work at 6 am.  You know, so he could leave early to fuck his bitch.  He said:

Are you ok?  I went to work at 6 and your car was gone.  Just want to make sure you are alright.

I replied:

Am I ok?  Let’s see.  My husband moved me and my kids across the country, uprooting our lives because this move was supposed to make him so happy.  A year to the day that our furniture was delivered to our new house my husband was having sex with his cousin/mistress; in fact, he blew off a family vacation with his wife and kids to be with her.  I’ve been cheated on and lied to.  My kids are scared and upset.  You aren’t even putting enough in our joint account to cover the bills, much less pay for groceries.  Meanwhile you accuse me, your actual legal wife, of stealing from you while you slink off every weekend to be with your mistress and her kids, spend hundreds each weekend, buy Harley and her daughter new iPhone 6s, and pay their cell phone bill.  So no, I’m not ok.  I’ve lost 25 pounds in less than a month, my blood pressure is sky high, and I’m left cleaning up your mess while you go off and play without a care in the world.  The time to care about whether or not I’m ok was before you went off and started having yet another affair with Harley.  It’s a little too late to act concerned about me now.  Oh, and btw, my car was in the garage.

That took place the Friday of Labor Day weekend where he left to spend 3 glorious days with the cunt and her bratty kids.  He never responded.  Gee, I wonder why not.

Then we have my favorite- the text where he wants us to work together to make this less stressful on everyone.  I’m pissing myself I’m laughing so hard.  Here it is in its glorious entirety:

Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

So stop all of this foolishness.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that.  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years.  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together.  So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.

And finally, here’s what I really want to say; my responses are in bold:  Sam, let’s try to figure out a way to make this less stressful for all involved. Oh, I’m sorry.  Are you stressed?  Whatever would you be stressed out over?  You are fucking your whore every weekend, thinking the two of you are going to be living on easy street while I’m saddled with all the bills and left explaining everything to your kids because you’re such a pathetic coward you can’t do anything that might be difficult.  You want this to be less stressful?  Maybe you should have thought about that before you started fucking your whore of a cousin!  I am saddened that you felt compelled to toss out all of my memories and my clothing.  There are so few of them in this house.  I didn’t throw anything out, you whiney little asshole!  In spite of all that has happened we have a history and that cannot be erased no matter how badly you want it to go away.  Are you seriously getting your panties in a twist over the fact I took our wedding pictures down?  Or do you think the fact that I’ve wasted the last 21 years of my life on such a pathetic loser is supposed to mean something to me?  Because it doesn’t.  You are nothing to me.  So you have a choice.  You can be bitter and hateful toward me, or respect the fact that I am setting you free of the burden of being my wife.  Wow- what a fucking hero! Are you fucking serious?  You actually think that fucking another woman one year to the day after you’ve moved me and my kids 2000 miles across the country, tearing them away from everything they know and love, is some sort of noble act? You really have lost your goddamn mind! I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that.  My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.  So which one is it?  Am I well provided for, or am I taking a hit?  Are your children going to live in poverty because Daddy is too busy showing off for his skank ass cousin and her fucking kids, or are you going to step up and actually be a father to them and provide for them?  Actually, don’t answer that because I’ve talked to two lawyers and both of them have come up with a far higher number than that piddly ass one you threw out at me.  Don’t you worry your little bald head about me paying you back.  You are going to pay and pay and pay.  Believe me when I tell you that MY kids will NEVER take a backseat to her or her kids, financially.  When I’m done taking my share you are going to be left with nothing.  Hey, do you think Harley will be as madly in love with you when you’ve got about $200/month to your name and she needs to work double shifts to help pay my spousal support?  Do you think her kids will think you are as wonderful when you can’t fulfill the promises you’ve made to them?  I mean, she’s already sending naked pictures to other men and her kids already talk shit about you behind your back; if you can’t buy them off how do you think they’ll treat you then?

So stop all of this foolishness. What foolishness?  I think you’ve fared very well.  I haven’t outed you to everyone on Facebook. I haven’t yelled and screamed or threatened.  I haven’t thrown all your shit out or burned it.  And believe me, those are all suggestions I’ve had from well meaning friends. I just have no desire to see your ugly face, much less have a conversation with you.  I find you revolting.  Let our children know I love them and let’s act like adults and come to a healthy relationship apart from all of this. 1.  Why don’t you tell your children you love them yourself?  Are you too much of a coward to face them?  Would seeing the hurt and devastation on their faces be too unpleasant for you?  Tough shit!  How do you think I felt when I was left all alone to tell our kids that you were leaving us for another woman?  How do you think I felt when I had to tell them you were fucking your cousin, that everyone in your sick, pathetic family knew and were ok with it, and that we were getting a divorce?  How do you think I feel every time they ask me if we’re going to have to move, or why on earth did you let us get a pool if you were fucking around with the whore, and will they be able to continue going to their same schools?  I don’t know who the fuck lied to you and told you fucking another woman and leaving your wife and kids for her would be easy. 2. I am acting like an adult.  Unfortunately for you that does not include having to have any kind of a relationship with my cheating, lying asshole of an ex-husband!  I know that would be easier on you because you have a long history of not wanting to have to do anything difficult but it’s no longer my job to baby you or make things easy. I have absolutely no desire to be friends with you.  No desire to have any type of a relationship with you.  Our kids are old enough that you can communicate with them.  I don’t need to tell you shit.  I don’t care to surround myself with liars and cheaters and that’s all you are.  You are a pathetic loser and I want nothing to do with you.  I respect you as a mother and you have followed me around the country and I am grateful to you for that. Fuck off!  I am the only parent these kids have known.  You were always too busy holing up in your room and fucking around with Harley to be much of a father to them.  And you can stick your “gratefulness” up your ass, Cousinfucker!  Let’s build a future relationship that we can both be happy for each other and our children and show them that happiness and being whole are vital to a person’s future. What utter bullshit!  I will not lie to my kids like that.  I am NOT happy for you.  You cheated on me and left me for another woman.  You are seriously delusional if you think I will ever be happy about that.  As far as you being happy for me?  Well, gee, isn’t that big of you?  Last time I checked I didn’t have a boyfriend waiting in the wings for me.  I’m not the one walking away from everything leaving you with all the responsibilities.  I’m not the one running off every weekend to be with someone else.  I’m not the one who has hurt our children.  I read everything you wrote on your fake Facebook page.  I know you have been very unhappy.  It’s evident in what you wrote and your depression has heightened in the past two years. Oh please!  I am not depressed and my “depression” has not heightened.  I’ve been dealing with a whiney, douchebag of a husband who takes off and fucks his cousin the first chance he gets.  I’ve been dealing with your first affair with Harley, moving across the country knowing we were moving here because of her, dealing with the fact that I’m not allowed to ever be sad or triggered by anything in regards to said affair, adjusting to life in Whoreville, and then with your fucking downward spiral and all your friends and relatives who couldn’t be bothered the last 20 fucking years to be there for you encouraging you to leave me, and finally with your drinking and all your “anxiety” and “PTSD”.  You have absolutely drained me! Maybe instead of getting your little fee fees hurt because everything wasn’t going your way you could have put on your big boy pants and actually talked to me!  I know you will be whole without me, we aren’t good together. No shit.  It’s a little difficult to be good together when you’re fucking your cousin. So all that said I want you and I to work on this.  To be grown up about it for the sake of our children.  You don’t need to worry about “our” children.  They hate you and want nothing to do with you. And you don’t need to worry about us working on this.  Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer.  Live it up, Loverboy because once we get before a judge your world is going to be rocked.

It’s For the Best

There are few phrases coming out of cheater’s and their enabler’s mouths that I hate more than that one. It’s for the best. It all worked out. They’re both much happier now. They have more compatible partners. It was a blessing in disguise.

Fuck that! You know what? I am happier. The mobster is a much better match for me. He makes me happier than CF ever did. I am ecstatic that I no longer have to deal with his never ending list of issues or his constant unhappiness that can never be satisfied. I am glad I’m closer to family. I have realized how incredibly strong I am. My kids are thriving.

Those are all things that happened in spite of what he did to us!

He didn’t have an affair to make me happy. He didn’t have an affair so that I could see how strong I was. He didn’t have an affair so that his kids could be resilient. He didn’t have an affair to “free me from my burden of being his wife” or so that I could meet the love of my life. He didn’t have an affair so that I could move closer to family and the kids could be around their cousins. No, he had an affair because he wanted to. Because Harley the Whore was available and eager to spend our marital assets in exchange for her services. The only person he was thinking of was himself. He didn’t give a shit about our happiness. It was all about his happiness.

He never once considered us or what his selfish choices would do to our lives. So no, he doesn’t get to say it all turned out for the best. None of his sniveling enablers get to say it either. My kids and I, we found happiness and we thrived despite what CF and Harley did to us. I can assure everyone reading this that we were not even a blip on his radar when he made the decision to resume his affair with Harley.

That’s the sad reality with cheaters and their enablers. If they can point to the end result and proclaim everyone “so much better off” then they don’t have to consider all the horrible things that were done. They can ignore all of that.

“Oh, you were forced to move out of your home, forced to move out of the state, and had to tear your lives apart once again? La la la la la la la… I can’t hear you! All I see is happy kids and a happy ex-wife. (Of course, the most important factor is that CF and Harley are happy.) Nothing to see here, folks. Just rainbows and unicorns. All is well.”

Yes, I’m sure John Walsh is thanking his lucky stars that his precious sweet Adam was kidnapped and murdered. After all, it led to such a lucrative television career. When a child is missing in a store and they lock it down it’s now referred to as a Code Adam. How great is that? An ode to his child that never would have happened had a child predator kept his disgusting hands off that innocent six year old child. It all worked out in the end, right?

Bullshit!

I’ll go one step further. None of them- CF, Harley, Jezebel, Tammy Faye, Pastor Fake- care whether or not we’re happy. The only ones who matter are CF and Harley. I would venture to guess that they would actually prefer I be miserable, seeing as how I made poor pitiful CF so unhappy. I was such a horrible wife and person I deserve to live steeped in unending misery. The fact that any of us are happy only serves to assuage whatever tiny sliver of shame they may feel. Hell, probably not even that because I don’t think those people have a conscience. No conscience= no guilt, no shame.

So yeah, I’m finally happy. I’m not where I want to be yet but I’m on a path. I crawled through the bowels of Hell to get to this point. Almost two freaking years after finding out my husband is a lying, cheating, backstabbing, disrespecting piece of crap who uprooted me and my kids for a piece of gold digging, jailbird ass. I cried more tears in these last two years than I’ve cried in the rest of my entire life. I was completely broken. I lost almost everything. So many times I wanted to lay down and die. I kept going for my kids. That was the only reason because I sure as hell didn’t see a future for me. I dug myself out of this living grave, bit by bit. So when he or one of his cheater apologists want to tell everyone it truly was for the best and we’re both so much happier with our new partners (see Sam, he did you a favor!) I want to take a sledge hammer and smash their faces.

We’re all happy despite your cheating son/brother. My daughter was miserable for months. I went to Hell and back. We emerged from our misery; we fought back and we prevailed. Cheater Boy never had one moment of discomfort. He never had to comfort crying or disappointed kids. He never had to look them in the eye and answer their questions. He never had to watch as their lives as they knew them completely disappeared. He wasn’t around for the goodbyes. He wasn’t around for any of it. He chose a whore and her kids over his family. He was busy playing family with them so he didn’t have to deal with any of the fallout of his cheating. He went from the comfort of his former home, his wife, and his kids directly into a new home that he shared with Harley and her kids. When he left our home he chose to go; he wasn’t forced out, unlike us. He shed his old life like a snake sheds its skin. Out with the old; in with the new. There was no loneliness. He wasn’t discarded. He didn’t have to wonder if he was so hideous and unlovable that he would be alone forever. He didn’t have to wonder what would happen to him or his kids. He didn’t wonder what some other man had that he didn’t, didn’t have to wonder what made me turn to someone else. He never had to doubt his worth. He never had to wonder how he was going to support himself after fifteen plus years out of the workforce.

No! He cut me off financially, threw over $30,000 Harley’s way (while she cheated on him!), lived like a child free bachelor, used our home as an extended stay hotel, let me pay all the household expenses while he used the remaining money to play Sugar Daddy to the whore and her hooligans, sauntered off every weekend to fuck his whore, and created a brand new life that didn’t include his wife of 20 years or his teenage children.

To this day he refuses to do the right thing. He only paid his back support under court order and the threat of having to pay me an extra $10,000. He made one additional full support payment back in April. Since then he’s done nothing but play games. He hasn’t paid the equivalent of even one month of support.

I can assure you that any positives that have occurred since the napalming of our lives has been an oversight by CF. I’m fairly certain he wanted to destroy me. I sure as hell know he didn’t give one flying fuck about my happiness or his kids’ happiness.

Happiness was achieved in spite of him and Harley, not because their affair was some divining rod that brought bountiful blessings. So neither he nor anyone in his fucked up family get to say it was all for the best, or that it all worked out. I can say it. My kids can say it. He never gets to say it. He didn’t do what he did to make us happy. He only cared about himself and the whore.

CF, you and your entire family and fucked up friends can all take your chipper, “It’s for the best!” and shove it up your ass.

12 Lessons Learned From Cheating

Gather round, folks. We are going to learn some valuable lessons about cheating. All kinds of exciting stuff!

Today’s idiot is Parker. Parker is a former OW; she has a plethora of information to share with us about the joys of cheating.

Let’s see what all Parker has to share with us.

To begin she shares this little nugget:

Here’s what happened. I was single and he was married. He and his wife had been together for about eight years, most of the time unhappily and in couples therapy (of course they were, Parker; of course they were!). I had recently ended my own decade-long relationship and was rebounding- I just didn’t know it at the time. Rather than grieving my desperately broken heart, I threw myself into an affair (sounds like a smart thing to do; wouldn’t want to suggest anything like running, baking banana bread, or seeing a therapist). Then complicated things by falling madly in love. Long before I had the affair, I had always judged cheaters. But now… not so much.

Yeah, I hear that a lot. I always thought cheating was wrong and then I did it and I decided it wasn’t so wrong.

I was the same way with embezzling, Parker. I always thought it was wrong to take advantage of people and to steal. But then I started embezzling and cheating people out of their life savings and I totally get it now!

Let the practical lessons begin!

1. People who judge you for cheating have never cheated.

My ego wants to say, “If you haven’t done it, don’t judge it,” but the fact is, I totally get it. Once upon a time, I thought I understood the rules of relationships. Eventually, some of my friends in committed relationships were unfaithful to their partners (often partners I had grown to love like my friends). When my friends shared their experiences with me, I saw that cheating—like relationships—has a good deal of gray area, and through that, I learned that life does too. There are two sides to every story.

Really, Parker? If we haven’t cheated.. yet.. we shouldn’t judge? I haven’t pistol whipped anyone. I don’t beat my kids. I haven’t shared naked pictures of someone through social media causing them to commit suicide. I haven’t molested children or raped anyone. I haven’t killed anyone. I don’t make fun of people. I don’t use slurs.  Are all of those examples just things I haven’t done yet so I shouldn’t really judge those who do them? Or does that only count when we’re talking about having sex with married people? Yeah, don’t judge those people out there fucking married people. That could be YOU one of these days!

2.  Yes, It’s the Best Sex of Your Life… But There’s a Twist

Or, better said, it’ll seem like the best sex of your life at the time. Everyone says it’s the illicit rendezvous, the secrets, the newness that make the sex so amazing, and to a degree, that’s true. But that fades over time. What made the sex truly hot for me was the exploration and connection I found with my lover, both of us freed from inhibition. And that was golden, because it made me grow sexually. Here’s another bonus: You’ll take that with you into your current relationship or future one, making the sex, and your satisfaction, even better.

O.M.G! Could you not find a connection and explore with an unmarried man? How is that you were sooooo free of inhibition with this woman’s husband? Was it because you knew it was a dead end relationship so it didn’t matter what you two did together? It’s not like you’d be spending holidays together for the next twenty years.

And I’m sorry but there’s just something sociopathic about gloating over how sex with a married man is the best sex of your life. You need to get out a little bit more- and I say this as a self-described hermit for the past 3 years! Volunteer… get a dog… seek therapy.

3.Mind-Blowing Sex Has Risks

Doing things you never knew you could (or never even knew existed) is enough reason to justify just about anything … in the moment. Yes, even the possible destruction of a marriage or family—because in the throes of passion that’s the furthest thing from your mind. But that lapse in judgment usually leads to sloppiness—leaving sexts on your phone that your wife finds or skipping birth control and getting knocked up, all of which often has one huge repercussion: getting caught. My affair, long ended, stayed a secret, but most don’t. So if you’re going to play the game, accept that you’re probably going to get caught, and it could very likely be the end of your relationship, or cause long-term alienation from your family. If that happens, I guarantee those mind-blowing orgasms will probably not feel like they were worth it.

Yes, Parker, getting caught is the big repercussion here. Not devastating your spouse. Not destroying your kids’ lives. No, it’s all about you getting caught and not being able to live your double life anymore. You poor, poor baby.

4. A Cheating Spouse is a Liar, But Their Spouse May Be Lying to Themselves, Too

If you and your partner don’t have sex anymore (sex drives don’t just disappear forever!), if your spouse becomes distant or starts working late or going out with new friends a lot, these are telltale signs of cheating. So is coming home showered from the gym or starting to use device passwords. I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. And sooner or later, one of you needs to find the courage to admit it so you can confront your problems, and ideally fix them. Your gut will thank you. It’s one of your best friends.

I’m channeling my inner Dan Aykroyd here: Parker, you ignorant slut! I’m so tired of people like you blaming the spouse, expecting them to do the difficult things while you lay around and fuck our spouses.

Who’s really lying to themselves? Your married lover that is so unhappy in his marriage that instead of divorcing his wife he fucks you on the side instead? Or the wife that may honestly not know? Or the wife that feels that something is off but is told it’s all in her head when she asks if there is anyone else?

And Parker? You’re not really concerned about any of us betrayed spouses finding the courage to admit our relationship is broken so that we can confront our problems and fix them. You want us to realize you’re fucking our spouse so that we will leave or kick him/her out. It’s not about us; it’s all about you.

5. There’s Always Another Side to Your Lover’s (Crap) Marriage

Lying in each other’s arms, my lover and I shared stories about our relationships. This is what I heard him say about his marriage: “We’ve been unhappy for so long.” “We have no sex life anymore.” “All she does is argue with me.” No one was telling the other side of the story about what was still good about the relationship—what he still loved about his wife, how they were still deeply connected (which, P.S., is why your lover isn’t going to leave them no matter what they say otherwise). And God knows what his wife’s side of the story was. Maybe he enjoyed pushing her buttons more than she pushed his. But looking back, I realize if my lover had admitted the good stuff, it would’ve put the kibosh on the affair, because he needed to justify his actions—and I liked being his salvation. Letting him omit also allowed me to keep lying to myself. (And dreaming that he’d leave her for me.)

I do believe that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said so far. Let’s face it: telling your side piece that your spouse is awesome and you don’t plan on ever leaving is not exactly the way to get in his/her pants. You always go with the ol’, “We don’t have sex…we live like roommates…we stay together for the sake of the kids…I’m nothing but a paycheck and a handyman…I never loved her/him… He/she just doesn’t understand me.

6. Be Brave When It’s Time to End Your Relationship

For those of you whose relationship really is over, who really don’t have any positive, loving connection left with your spouse, it may be time to grow some fucking cojones and own up. “But we have kids …” “But he’ll be devastated …” Those are the reasons most unhappy couples stay together longer than they probably should. They’re totally good reasons. I believe your happiness is the foundation of your life. If you’re parents, no one can teach your kids how to be happy better than you can—and no one can see how unhappy you are better than they can. Will there be fallout? Most definitely, but it won’t last forever. If you need inspiration, listen to comedian Louis C.K., father of two daughters, who came out of the other side of his divorce extremely happy. He points out, “Divorce is always good news […] because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

Parker, here’s the problem once again. Your encouragement for my husband to bravely find his happiness comes at my expense and it’s to your benefit. 

Happiness is wonderful. Speaking as a person who is pretty damn happy right now I can tell you it feels fucking awesome. But you know what? You don’t achieve happiness by stepping all over other people. 

You better figure out the source of your unhappiness before you decide to start fucking someone else and then leave your spouse. Because if you wait until you’re balls deep inside someone else then you’re not really all that concerned about your happiness. You’re concerned about your dick.

7. People Need Someone Else to Leave Their Spouse

Most people can’t extricate themselves from an unhappy relationship alone. So they find someone to help them, usually a new love. Which is why, in my experience, 98 percent of all the failed relationships have ended when one partner left the other for someone else. It happened to me in the early ’90s when my first boyfriend and I were at the break-up-or-not turning point. I wanted to keep trying. (Uh, see No. 6. No cojones on me.) He didn’t. He’d fallen in love with an actress on a directing gig. Did their new relationship last after we broke up? Nope. (They hardly ever do.) But it got him out, and we both found much greater happiness afterwards. In that way, I think affairs can be really useful, because let’s face it, life is fucking scary, and it’s hard to make big changes all by yourself. If your partner leaves you for another woman, you’ll understandably hate her (and blame her). But once the dust settles, you might thank her. And after his relationship with her ends too, you guys might even become friends.

Awwww…. poor baby! Yes, Parker, divorce sucks. It really sucks when you’re the one left behind with no shiny new partner to tell you how wonderful you are and to fuck you whenever you’re feeling low. Then again, how often do you feel low when you have a shiny new lover who blows sunshine and rainbows up your ass all the time? I’m guessing not often!

That’s the thing about cheating, Parker. It’s all about the cheater. They use fake platitudes to make themselves feel better about the horrendous thing they’ve done but once you peel away all the paint it’s a horny little goat humping anything that moves and spackling reality with fake platitudes like, “Happiness is the foundation for life.”

Hey, Parker… what is the betrayed partner left to do once the cheater leaves? Who do we pair up with? How do we get to go through this divorce? Wait… that’s right. We don’t matter.

Oh, and as for that, “…once the dust settles, you might thank her. And after his relationship with her ends, too, you guys might even become friends,” bullshit? Hell to the no! I will never thank that cunt face cum dumpster for a damn thing. And I would sooner set myself on fire and run into raw sewage to put it out than to spend one fucking minute in his presence. Ever.

8. Honesty Isn’t Always Better

I knew someone whose husband started an affair while she was in treatment for a very serious breast cancer. (I know. It sounds unforgivable.) If he’d admitted his cheating to her, at least during the treatment, it could’ve hurt her health even more. Okay, so that’s on the extreme end of the don’t-be-honest scale. On the other side is this: Not all spouses want to know about infidelity. (See No. 4 again.) If you know your spouse would rather not know, then think twice about spilling the beans. Maybe a better answer is ending the affair, and channeling the excitement and happiness you found from it into your marriage.

Ah yes… the “better” sort of cheater. 

I didn’t tell Bill I was cheating on him because he was going through chemotherapy. I cared enough to not ruin his recovery with the awful truth. Too bad I didn’t care enough to not fuck other men while he was going through a life or death event in his life.

Oh, and btw? If you’re taking all that happiness and excitement and channeling it into your relationship with me? You can take all that shit and shove it up your ass; I don’t want anything having to do with your affair- good or bad.

9. But Sometimes Honesty IS Better

Yes, Virginia, couples can recover from an affair. I’ve known a number of people who’ve admitted infidelity to their spouse. And after a period of intense anger, separation and/or couples therapy, I’ve seen a number of these couples fix the holes of their relationship to become stronger, more intimate and more committed than when they first got together.

Over on Chump Lady, they call those couples unicorns because they are so very rare. Generally what you are seeing are people, both husbands and wives, who don’t want to lose half of their net worth. You see people who don’t want to lose their cushy lifestyle, people who want to be taken care of while they fuck other people. You see people who want to present their picture perfect family life to others while they fuck anything that moves. You see people who love the idea of two people fighting over them. You see lying and gas lighting and blame shifting and head games and trickle truth. You see people who, in other words, want to have their cake and eat it, too.

Very few couples honestly make it through the devastation of infidelity. The relationships are never the same and I don’t think many of them are stronger for it. Do some of them make it? Sure. Are some of them stronger now? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t bet on it. In fact, although I still believe everyone needs to make up their own mind on how to handle infidelity in their relationship, if I’m being honest I would advise leaving. Too many sunk costs. Too high of a risk.

10.  One-Way Cheating Rocks

There are many benefits to single-sided cheating. For me, right or wrong—remember, no judgment here—it was a hell of a lot easier to have a clear conscience during the affair. Another benefit of being single is it allowed me—during late night crying fits fueled by loneliness, or lack of a sext in 24 hours—to remind myself that my married lover was a lying scumbag* and that I deserved someone better anyway. (If you’re cheating on someone too, this angle just won’t work as well.)

*Okay, so I am capable of a little judgment. But it was temporary.

Parker, you were not an innocent party in this. It takes two to fuck. You were a part of that. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t married to his wife. You knew fucking her husband was wrong and yet you did it anyway. Did you break vows? No. Did you do a shitty thing to an innocent person? Absolutely.

11. Sigh… Single or Not, You’re Not Really Innocent

For most of my affair, I enjoyed my clear conscience. Whenever culpability crept up on me, I easily reminded myself that he was the liar, and sometimes would even blame his wife for choosing not to know. (Again, see No. 4.) But eventually I realized that despite being single, I wasn’t innocent. (Turning this philosophically more enlightened corner really sucked.) I clearly wasn’t as directly involved in betraying my lover’s family as he was, but I certainly played a part in the deceit. It’s not something I feel good about. But it’s something I have to live with. Forever.

There we go! Now you’re getting it!

12. You Can Probably Never Trust a Cheater

My lover and I frequently fantasized about the happy life we were meant to have together as two sexually, intellectually and spiritually compatible people. Yet, deep down, I knew if he ever did leave his life—during our affair or later—I could never trust him. Every business trip, every late night out with the boys, no matter what he told me, I’d wonder. (As a gut truster, I’d definitely bust his ass, too.) Maybe if he’d only cheated with me, I’d have felt differently, but I knew he had a history. And I’m pretty sure he’d still be seeing me now if I let him. That said, there are always exceptions. (See No. 9.) And for me, the most important one was my own. I ended my affair because I didn’t want to be a cheater anymore. And that was my greatest lesson.

Oh don’t worry, Parker; I’m sure you were super duper special. All affair partners are.