The Devil You Know

I came across an article written by someone who purports to rebuild remarriages after affairs. For a tidy sum he can help you keep that delightful lying, cheating love of your life.

I have long said that I’m not here to give advice. If you’ve read much of my blog then you know that I had more than one DDay which means I forgave my lying cheater at least once. Technically speaking I suppose Harley was the gift that resurfaced three times. The first time was when he supposedly spontaneously confessed he had been “texting” other women.

True story? Her husband discovered what they were up to and messaged me on FB. Cousinfucker deleted the message and then blocked him. Why he owned up to texting her is beyond me.

Oh, and he never elaborated on exactly what it was he was texting and then refused to disclose a week or so later. I was so stupid and thought he was so honorable that he might have felt guilty simply because he was talking to other women and spilling secrets about our marriage.

So that was DDay #1. Happy Mother’s Day!

DDay #2 was August 14, 2013, three months later. I got yet another message from her husband.

Yeah, about that blocking thing… when he came back from Jezebel’s wedding Harley the Whore blocked me. I had her profile picture up all over the house when he got home and my lying cheater promptly told his twu luv all about it. Once I realized I was blocked I did some digging and found her husband on my list of blocked contacts, which was really strange because at that point I don’t think I had blocked anyone ever in my life!

DDay #3 was two years later, almost to the day. August 10th, 2015. A day which will live in infamy and is only surpassed by June 10th, 2016 as one of the crappiest days of my life.

I dredge all this up again to point out that I, too, forgave my husband at one point. I don’t condemn those who choose to make a go of it. I don’t look down on them. I’m here telling my story and sharing my thoughts so that hopefully others won’t suffer through the same shit I did.

With that said, what the hell, Mort? You’re selling snake oil!

Some of his wonderful advice? #1- Don’t ask about the affair or go to marriage counseling. #2- Tell them divorce is not an option. #3- Have sex with your partner if you want to. I’m not sure if #4 is from him or some other person promising success for 3 easy installment payments of $299, but I’ve also heard that if your partner is still in the affair then be extra sweet and understanding. Don’t make them feel any “toxic shame”.

O.M.G. This is a cheater’s wet dream! I get to fuck around and you can’t ask me about it!

Of course they don’t want to talk about it! They don’t like consequences. They’d rather engage in all that hysterical bonding. Now that’s where the fun is at!

Let’s concentrate on the sex and forget the talking. When you talk you make me feel something akin to guilt and I don’t like that. I’m so splendiferous that I wouldn’t actually feel guilt but when you use words and say things like, “You really hurt me,” and “I don’t trust you anymore,” or “What were you thinking fucking that low class whore?” then it almost makes me feel bad and it certainly doesn’t get me hot and bothered. Let’s stick to sex and forget all the talking stuff.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but let’s face it divorce is always an option when one person wants out. You can’t prevent it no matter how much you personally may be against it.

Honestly? It’s just another form of pick me dancing. No matter what you do I won’t divorce you. Keep fucking the whore. Tell me everything is my fault. Give me a list of things that I need to work on. 

I think my favorite thing about Mort, though, is his philosophy on forgiving the cheating spouse. https://marriagemax.com/cheater/  What if your spouse has done the work and is truly repentant? Don’t you owe it to him or her to forgive and forget and reap the benefits of all your hard work? Don’t you realize that your chances of dumping the cheater only to end up with someone else who just cheats on you is sky high so you may as well keep the cheater you know? I think Mort says it so much better.

Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE might be true.

In the case of the woman above, it appears that her husband really changed. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the “I want a divorce” wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or a sociopath, he’s LESS LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they’re LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who’s never erred in that way before.

According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States ADMIT to having been unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass’ research suggests it is probably closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men! That means that starting from scratch gives the above woman a 50% chance of finding another husband who will be faithful.

Now let me ask you: at this point in this woman’s husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll screw up again? If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.

Let me clarify that I’m talking in this case about a man who truly transformed himself and succeeded to prove that he’s changed. I’m NOT talking about someone who continually makes empty promises.

If this woman were to leave her husband, I think Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this sort of thing would never happen to her again.

Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years and years for their spouse to wake up and change their ways. Then when they finally do it, they’re told it’s too late.

I understand why someone would feel, after being cheated on, for example, that “it’s too late.” But the fact of the matter is that they’re about to walk away from a person who is FINALLY prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse.

In my experience, it’s these people, people who have made serious mistakes, people who have had the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST spouses and are capable, more than anyone else, of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.

Do you see the irony here?

The mistakes that ruin relationships are those that transform the sinners into people capable of the most outstanding relationships. The unfortunate thing for the victim is that they don’t know how to heal from the hurt that would enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.

So the roles become reversed. The person who was ruining the relationship stands ready to transform it; while the person who wanted to work on the relationship all along becomes the cog in the wheel that inhibits true love.

In other words, the woman above has a choice. If she lets her husband go, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that the woman above always wanted him to be to her. I’ve seen it happen too often. Some lucky woman owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this woman has another option. She could forgive her husband and become that lucky woman!

Here’s Sam’s philosophy: Yes, if you don’t fix your picker and figure out why you settled for so little in your relationship there is a good chance you could wind up with the exact same kind of person- a person who is willing to lie and cheat and take you for granted. But if you do fix your picker you have a really good chance of finding someone who won’t cheat on you, someone who will value you. Or put another way, you already know your current partner is a cheater. Those odds are 100%. It’s done. This mythological new person? Hasn’t done a damn thing to you!

But I’ll bite. Let’s take Mort’s theory bit by bit.

Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE might be true.

Yes, it might be true. Then it again it might not be. As I said above; however, you know with 100% certainty that your current partner has the ability to cheat on you because they have already, wait for it.. cheated on you!

In the case of the woman above, it appears that her husband really changed. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the “I want a divorce” wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or a sociopath, he’s LESS LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they’re LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who’s never erred in that way before.

Well, Mort, the devil is in the details, isn’t it? The problem here is that a lot of very remorseless cheaters say they’ve changed.

What they really mean is they don’t want to go through the hassle of a divorce. You are useful to them. They’ll do a better job of keeping the affair hidden.

My own husband swore up and down that he had learned his lesson. Harley was the biggest mistake of his life. He should have bought a motorcycle instead of engaging with her. He talked to her the way he wanted to talk to me. He would never make that mistake again. I was the reason he was alive and why he fought in a war.

Two years later I was going through the exact same hell and with the exact same whore. The man learned nothing. He wanted everything to be perfect and go back to normal and at the first hint that that wasn’t the case he reached out to Harley the Whore.

According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States ADMIT to having been unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass’ research suggests it is probably closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men! That means that starting from scratch gives the above woman a 50% chance of finding another husband who will be faithful.

Even if I agreed with your 40-50% statistic for men cheating, I still have a 50% chance that the new guy won’t cheat and I’m still left with the fact that I’m 100% sure that my current partner is a cheater.

Now let me ask you: at this point in this woman’s husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll screw up again? If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.

I think you are way too optimistic. You are also assuming that every person who does not wish to divorce is invested in the marriage. That is simply not the case. Many times they are simply invested in not suffering consequences. Divorce has many consequences- losing custody time of your kids, splitting retirement funds, moving out of houses, no longer having someone to do your laundry/cook your food/clean your house/take care of your kids, no longer having access to your partner’s paycheck, losing friends and relatives…

Let me clarify that I’m talking in this case about a man who truly transformed himself and succeeded to prove that he’s changed. I’m NOT talking about someone who continually makes empty promises.

That’s the kicker, isn’t it, Mort? How do we really know which one we ended up with? Is the person truly remorseful? Have they truly transformed themselves? Or are they avoiding consequences?

If this woman were to leave her husband, I think Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this sort of thing would never happen to her again.

I don’t appreciate your scare tactics. I also don’t believe you should continue a marriage based upon the fact that, “Well, the next person will probably cheat, too, so why bother to find someone who won’t cheat and who will value me?

Maybe this person will find someone who is 100x better than the person left behind. That is another possibility.

Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years and years for their spouse to wake up and change their ways. Then when they finally do it, they’re told it’s too late.

I understand why someone would feel, after being cheated on, for example, that “it’s too late.” But the fact of the matter is that they’re about to walk away from a person who is FINALLY prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse.

In my experience, it’s these people, people who have made serious mistakes, people who have had the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST spouses and are capable, more than anyone else, of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.

Do you see the irony here?

Ah, the ol’ personality transplant! This person is now going to be everything you’ve ever wanted them to be! Nicely co-mingled with a giant helping of shaming people into forgiving the person who has devastated them.

Here’s the problem with your thinking, Mort. If my spouse has been an ass for 15-20 years and I’ve been begging him to change his ways and to please, please, please, keep his penis in his pants and then I finally wise up and realize his behavior is never going to change so I tell him I’m leaving him, it is NOT my fault that the marriage does not survive when he is finally facing  uncomfortable consequences and promises to change to avoid said uncomfortable consequences. You are putting the responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing onto the person who has been abused and gaslighted for years. No, the relationship didn’t fail because I finally wised up and accepted my husband was an ass who was never going to change. It failed because my husband was an ass who was never going to change.

The mistakes that ruin relationships are those that transform the sinners into people capable of the most outstanding relationships. The unfortunate thing for the victim is that they don’t know how to heal from the hurt that would enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.

So the roles become reversed. The person who was ruining the relationship stands ready to transform it; while the person who wanted to work on the relationship all along becomes the cog in the wheel that inhibits true love.

Again, nice job blaming the victim. This relationship could work if only you would forget what I did! Yes, I may have mistreated you and taken you for granted (not to mention lied to you and cheated on you) for 20 years, but the real reason our marriage ultimately failed was because you refused to forgive me the 21st year.

In other words, the woman above has a choice. If she lets her husband go, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that the woman above always wanted him to be to her. I’ve seen it happen too often. Some lucky woman owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this woman has another option. She could forgive her husband and become that lucky woman!

It so rarely works that way. That’s the fear that keeps people stuck. He/she will be better for the next person!

No, chances are very good that he or she will not be better for the next person. Oh, it may look that way from what is posted on Facebook or Instagram. He or she may even be able to keep that mask on for a few years. It will eventually slip. The shiny will eventually wear off the new relationship and they’ll be looking for something new and exciting once again.

Mort likes to tout his high success rate of couples remaining together. That’s nice, but there’s a difference between staying together because a divorce or splitting up is too inconvenient and your partner is of use to you, versus actually recommitting to your relationship.

It Is Time

I’ve been mulling this idea over for a few months now. I know I write an awful lot about my own circumstances, especially since my life took such a drastic turn back in 2016. When I started this blog I really wanted to expand beyond my own situation and offer some sane advice to others who are dealing with this, whether they are in the discovery phase, the reconciliation phase, or in the middle of a divorce. I was reading Chump Lady one day and she said something to the effect of, “I’m only one voice. I can’t do this by myself.” And this gave me hope because I do want to add my voice to hopefully turn the tide on how we look at infidelity. It kills me when I read blogs by people who are going through this, hoping to reconcile, and their spouses are being absolute shits, refusing to give them answers, treating them like crap, blaming them. I want to scream out, “It’s not your fault!” I want to tell them cheating is an entitlement issue, a character issue. I want to point out that if sad little spouse cheated because he/she was unhappy, you were in the same marriage and yet you didn’t cheat. How could that be? I want to tell the cheated on spouse all about the blame shifting mindset of, “It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction to it.” I want to point out all their false equivalencies. Yeah, I cheated. But YOU never put the lid back on the ketchup. You never wanted to play golf. You snored. Or even better, the sneering, “Oh, you’re so perfect. Sorry I’m not perfect like you!”

Really what I would like to see, what I hope eventually happens in all this claptrap of open marriages and polyamory and how humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, is to see people no longer tolerate infidelity. I’d like to believe that the tide will shift, like it shifted for domestic abuse and rape.

I know; I know. Neither of those examples are without fault. There are still travesties of justice. But as a whole we no longer tsk tsk and ask what the wife did to make her husband so mad. We don’t ask her to take responsibility for him shoving her down a flight of stairs or knocking her head into the wall or punching her. It is not perfect yet, and there will always be those who excuse it, but we are less and less likely to put the onus on the abused spouse.

Similarly while examples abound in the news of men getting a slap on the wrist we are making strides in getting the message out there that rape is not about sex. It’s about power. It’s about having control over another person. It’s not because a girl wore a short skirt or had too much to drink. Hell, men get raped as well. We are putting the responsibility back on the person who is actually committing the act, and not asking the person who was violated to take responsibility for that person’s behavior.

There is a woman on another board I frequently read and she does not like the idea of self-defense classes for women at college. She thinks it puts the responsibility on the female to not get raped. And yet this same woman has said about cheating, “It’s a symptom, not the disease. It is an indication of a problem in the marriage.” She would never dream of telling a young college girl that it was her fault she got raped, but she has no problem with distributing the blame in a marriage when one part of that couple cheats.

I have hope that one day instead of blaming the betrayed spouse we put the blame where it belongs- on the person who cheated. I have hope that one day we won’t ask what the spouse did to cause their partner to stray. We won’t look at the woman who has gained weight since the wedding day and cluck disapprovingly, “Well no wonder he cheated; she let herself go!” As I’ve pointed out many times beautiful, thin women get cheated on all the time.

I want to believe as more voices start rising up that we will combat this insane idea that only those who are “perfect” don’t cheat. Or that being unhappy entitles a person to destroy their spouse.

I long to see the day where people recognize that cheating is an entitlement problem. It is a character problem. I was not a perfect spouse but I sure as hell didn’t deserve what CF did to me and our kids. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. He had a plethora of decisions he could have made instead of cheating. You don’t need to be perfect in order to have a faithful spouse.

I have hope that people will be called out when they toss out such stupid remarks as, “Life is too short to be unhappy,” or “We live in an age where we’re not forced to remain in unhappy relationships.” Yes, by all means, seek out happiness. Don’t remain in a relationship if you are unhappy. But don’t cheat either! I’m sure it will come as a huge surprise to many cheaters out there but you can actually file for divorce without having another person in your bed! It’s crazy; I know!

When people yammer on and on about how monogamy isn’t natural I look forward to people informing those idiots that antibiotics and other medications aren’t natural either. Indoor plumbing and electricity aren’t natural. And if you want to go all, “In nature…” on me. Well… in nature a lot of nasty shit happens, like the weakest of the herd being killed off, or killing the offspring of the former alpha so the females will mate with the new alpha, or starving to death. Cheaters aren’t usually big on consequences. Then again they usually think they are the best in show and above all the rules.

I hope that one day, instead of going back to, “Infidelity is a private matter between two people,” or “Cheating is a symptom and not the disease,” people start to look at what toll infidelity takes on everyone. That is one of the reasons I was upfront about it on Facebook once the divorce was finalized.

Cheating is romanticized and minimized. But it’s not romantic and the impact it has on everyone in its wake can be devastating.

Look at the kids whose lives have been upended. Look at displaced stay at home moms who are suddenly thrust into the workforce making next to nothing. I was lucky; many states don’t have alimony. Look at men who have to paternity test their children, or who lose everything in a divorce to their cheating wife.

My kids and I lost our home thanks to my husband’s cheating. My kids were forced to change schools and move out of state. I worked two jobs to make ends meet and still didn’t have much while CF and Harley lived it up. My kids suffered. I’m no longer around and available for them like I have been in the past.

I also realize I had it easy compared to some of the stories I’ve heard. College funds drained. 401ks liquidated and spent on Schmoopie. Hundreds of thousands of dollars being spent on gifts and trips. People losing everything in their divorce- their house, their children, their business. People who have only been with one person in their entire life finding out they have an incurable STD (or even a curable one). Women losing babies or babies being put in the NICU because of STDS. In some instances lives were threatened, poisoned, and even ended. Those stories need to get out there.

I know. It’s not fun and exciting. It makes people uncomfortable. Especially if they truly believe it when we tell them it’s a character and entitlement problem because that means there is nothing they can do to prevent it from happening to them.

I want to believe that at some point we stop acting like we owe nothing to another person. So many people want to minimize cheating, want to minimize what role the affair partner plays. They want to be seen as sophisticated and edgy and nonjudgmental so when they hear of someone having an affair with a married person (or just hear of someone having an affair) they play it off as though it is no big deal. Or, you know, they didn’t owe anything to anyone.

No! You do owe it to others in society to be decent. It is not okay to fuck another person’s spouse. It is not okay to lie and deceive another person. You don’t have to owe them anything in order to not do that to them. It is a bad thing. If you are perfectly willing to fuck another person’s spouse because “you don’t owe the spouse anything; you didn’t make vows!” then you are a shitty human being. Those things need to be said. People who do crap like this need to stop being given a pass. It isn’t edgy or hip. It is destructive. It hurts people. It hurts families.

The good news is more of those so called sophisticated articles romanticizing affairs are being called out. People are pointing out that cheating is not your only option. Commenters are stressing character. They’re not buying the bogus excuses. They’re not allowing the wool to be pulled over their eyes.

Yes, I’m still going to be offering up recipes, ranting about random things, talking about my mobster, and chronicling my “adventures” with CF, but I’m also going to stick around so that I can continue to call bullshit on the people who say it’s no big deal and that it’s a marriage problem. No, it’s a character issue; it’s an entitlement issue. I’ll say it over and over again until it sticks. I’m going to continue to call bullshit on cheaters who offer up lame excuses, defend their atrocious behavior, and try to tell cheated on spouses how to behave. Yes, because if I’m going to take advice on how to improve my marriage I’m definitely going to listen to the lying cheater. What’s that? I should fetch him his slippers and draw him a bath and fuck him wildly several times a day? Tell me more! I’m going to continue to call bullshit on the mistresses who say if they had to choose they’d rather be the mistress than the betrayed wife because they get all the great parts of the relationship and none of the mundane shit, or they’re free to walk away and get on with their life while the wife has to deal with the aftermath. Or the ones who preen around, who tell everyone they’re not doing anything wrong and they don’t have a problem with being the mistress. I don’t give a crap if you didn’t make vows to me, slut-o-rama. Are you married to my husband? No? Then don’t ride his dick! I’ll continue to call bullshit on any of the dumbasses who defend them and the people who tout an open marriage as the best way to combat infidelity. When a person cheats they get off on the fact that they are deceiving their partner. They know something you don’t know! An open marriage would never fly. There’s no fun in that when you’re allowed to do it. They also certainly don’t want the other person off having a little fun of their own. Hey, that’s my spouse appliance. No one else gets to play with it. Hands off! I’ll continue to call bullshit on the reconciliation industry which preaches forgiveness at all costs, and tells a person who has just been knifed in the heart that they need to own their part in this. Fuck that! I keep going back to this: If I couldn’t make him eat a damn turnip then I don’t see how anyone thinks I could have made him be faithful.

Ultimately, I will continue to hope that more and more people join in and spread the word.

 

#ItIsTime #RiseUp

What Part of, “I’ve Forgiven Him!” Don’t You Understand?

February 2015

My MIL called me last night. She was checking up on my husband because she hadn’t been able to get ahold of him. She knew he had planned on going to church and was saying that she hoped he continued to go and that it helped, and that she had heard he was supposed to see a psychiatrist and she hoped that helped, too. Then she went on to say she hoped he got better and that we got back to where we needed to be. What? Um, we’re fine. She went on about how the past was the past and I needed to forgive him and she was sorry for anything she might have done to me and she hoped I would forgive her. Everyone makes mistakes. And she knows it’s difficult because she went through it with her own husband years ago.

There are so, so many things I want to address in all of this mess. I’m not sure I can focus enough to get it all out there. But first, I HAVE forgiven him. I moved 2000 fucking miles across the country and completely uprooted my children and their lives, along with my own, in support of him. I would call that forgiveness. If I wanted to dwell on what he had done I would have never moved. Because, once again, our current town will always be Whoreville to me. I’m here because of my husband and his whore and their sweet little plans to be closer together. No matter how much I may come to like it here (and that’s doubtful) it will always be tainted by the fact they plotted to move my family here so they could carry on their affair. It was all put into motion once she started promising blow jobs and anal sex. I’m still here, still living with him. If I was going to kick his ass out I would have done it when I first found out he was still lying to me and cheating on me. I’m not softening him up for the blow. And I don’t believe in staying with a cheater and then using that to throw in the cheater’s face for the rest of his or her life. If you’re going to stay, make peace with the situation. I know some people say you can rebuild without forgiving, so I won’t say forgive and move on. But, you definitely need to make your peace with it and I have made my peace with him. I even do my best to not think about why I’m living here, 2000 miles away from my friends, my support system, my social life, my volunteer activities, because if I were to dwell on it I would cry. Harley and Zack fucked my life up spectacularly. Once my loving husband set the wheels into motion they didn’t stop just because he supposedly stopped fucking around with his whore of a cousin. Nope, they were going to send him (us) here come Hell or high water. So, you wanna play the past is the past? Oh, you bet your sweet ass it is. I’ve buried that motherfucker deep because I would be overcome with rage if I didn’t.

As for being sorry for whatever it is she’s done to me… well, that’s nice, but since you don’t even realize what it is that you did I’m not sure it means that much to apologize for it. And once again, I’ve made my peace with it. They will never change. I love them but I can’t have a relationship with them like I used to. I have tried and tried to envision a way that I’m ok with loving them, hanging around with them, visiting them, supporting them, sharing holidays, vacations, memories with them, and all the time knowing they love and support her, my husband’s whore. I will never feel safe. I know the minute he decides to toss me aside and replace me they will welcome my replacement with open arms and I don’t know how to have a relationship with people like that. I wish I could live in the moment, not worry about the what ifs. But when you’ve already been confronted with that I think it’s more difficult to pretend like it won’t happen. Everything about it just feels false. Oh, you love me. Oh, now you don’t love me because my husband no longer wants to fuck me. It’s not me they want to have a relationship with. It is my title. Whoever assumes the title of his wife is the one they want to have a relationship with. At this point I don’t even feel comfortable attending family events because I always assume the whore has been invited as well. And that would not end well. If we are ever in the same space I am about 99% certain everyone in that space will know exactly what she and my husband did. I find the whole situation sad. I find it sad that I am undoubtedly cast as the bad guy even though I was the one that was cheated on, and Zack and Harley were the cheaters. I’m the bad guy even though Jezebel was the one who lied to me, encouraged my husband to leave me, and talked trash about me. That’s just the way it is with them. Then you add in the humiliation factor, wondering if everyone is talking about you, your husband’s affair, how you compare to the sainted whore, how sad it is that you got cheated on and what on earth you did to “deserve” it. It’s an all around yucky feeling.

They are planning on coming to visit over Spring Break and I’m now waiting for her to come at me over Jezebel. The past is in the past. Everyone makes mistakes. Again, I’m trying to envision a way I’m ok with anything beyond superficial niceties and I’m once again coming up blank. How do you reconcile the fact that the person you are spending holidays with, confiding in, and creating memories with, will turn on you the minute her brother decides he wants to fuck someone else? Maybe it’s easier for her because she’s spent her whole life using people for what they can give her. So, she takes everything her in-laws can do for her and laps it up and when she moves on to the next husband it’s no big loss because now she has a new set of in-laws that can do new things for her. Or, to put it another way: It’s not about the relationship she shares with these people. It’s what all that relationship gives her. It would be like having a SIL that takes you on lavish vacations and shopping sprees. You like the person ok, but when the relationship ends you miss everything your SIL did for you a lot more than you miss the actual person. I even try to envision spending time with her on a superficial level. I say hello, how are you. When asked how I am I say, “Fine.” It doesn’t go beyond that. How are things in Whoreville? Fine. How are the kids adjusting? Fine. Just keeping everything superficial. Not excited about anything. I try to imagine having to go to her new house and be polite. Meet new people that I will only see every 3-5 years. I honestly believe I would hate it. I would feel like I was crawling out of my skin. Having to feign interest in everything she has and has done. You can’t be too noncommittal because then you’re considered rude and once again, you’re the bad guy. But treating her like someone I actually care about and have an interest in? I’m a good actress but I’m not that good. Besides, I don’t care if everyone knows the relationship has changed. Trying to imagine sitting outside at her fire pit. I suppose I would listen as everyone talked and not join in. Nothing to say. I would play the part of the uninvolved observer. Quietly listening and observing, not interjecting my own thoughts because I don’t wish to give anyone a glimpse of me. See? All of that seems so terribly complicated. So much easier to just stay away. There is no relationship so why create an artificial one? For her? Why? I don’t give a fuck about what she wants. She didn’t care about me and what I might have wanted. I’d like to return the favor.

Wow- ok, I think I did get most of it out. I can’t think of anything else really. I just keep trying to imagine these re-structured relationships and I have an incredibly hard time wrapping my head around it. It’s so much easier to avoid it.

Shaking My Head

I honestly don’t know what goes through the mind of a cheater but I’ve got a pretty good idea, thanks to clicking on various links. The thought process defies logic.

Chump Lady is often accused of being single minded and lumping all cheaters together. Most of the people who have a problem with this are cheaters themselves, or people who want to reconcile with a cheater because they don’t want to believe their cheater is not super special. I’ve got to say though that she is remarkably dead on. Seriously! Read the cheater blogs. Read the other woman blogs. They all say basically the same thing. I’m sure the same thing could be said about those who’ve been betrayed.

We probably all come across as shrill, bitter, sexless people who deserved to be cheated on because we’re guilty of denying the cheater his or her happiness. Remember- happiness trumps everything! Don’t worry about who all you hurt or any of the destruction you cause. Your happiness is the only thing that matters.

Oh, probably those who have been cheated on but who bend over backwards to appease the cheater and their AP aren’t considered bitter. No, they’re considered to be enlightened.

I read the comments sometimes on the other sites and I think, “Holy cow! This is exactly what they mean when they refer to Dr. Simon and his whole: It’s not that they don’t see; it’s that they disagree philosophy.”

Someone who has gleefully been deceiving his or her spouse for months, writing about it in detail, talking about how the spouse falls short in every category while the AP (or APs, as the case may be) is the most wonderful, perfect person on the planet who understands him/her and is his/her soul mate, gets caught and now shit has hit the fan. What do commenters say? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope it works out between you and your AP. Oh wait! That’s what they say while the writer is embroiled in the affair. I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. Love is so precious. You deserve to be loved. You need to explore this connection or you’ll regret it forever. You two are meant to be.

Apparently those that are betrayed don’t deserve a damn thing. We’re collateral damage in the quest for happiness.

I’ve seen comments where they tell the writer that they are so sorry the cheater is in so much pain. Why? They’ve brought it upon themselves. If you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for the cuckolded spouse! Feel sorry for the spouse who finds his or her life falling apart once the truth is revealed. Feel sorry for the kids who are watching their family be destroyed. You can feel especially sorry for those kids if they’ve had to move out of the family home and/or leave the area and their school/friends/lives behind. Those are the people who deserve your sympathy. Not the person who has been going out and fucking strangers. Oh, I’m sorry. Fucking the new soul mate.

They speak of open marriages. Yes, that’s a brilliant solution. The cheater can still have the spouse appliance who takes care of the nitty gritty and have as many fuck buddies as he or she wishes. What a great idea! Hey, what does the betrayed spouse get? STD testing?

I always love this request for an open marriage. It seems to me that most people who are asking for one don’t quite grasp that there are rules to an open marriage as well. It’s not a free for all pussy fest (or dick fest, as the case may be). If you can’t obey a simple marriage vow that says you won’t fuck another person I’m not sure how you can handle a whole new set of rules. Or that you would even be willing to follow those rules.

No, what I think happens is the cheater thinks, “Oh! An open marriage. Now that’s something I could use. My wife can still do all her wifely duties. I won’t lose time with my kids (if that’s even something that concerns me). I won’t have to live on half of my paycheck, or forego using the wife’s if she makes more than me. I don’t lose half my 401k or any of my other retirement accounts. I don’t have to split up household items or possibly move out of the family home. And I can still go out and fuck anything that moves. All the perks of being single and none of the responsibilities. Yes! Let’s do an open marriage.

What else do you get when a cheater has been caught? Well, there’s this idea that it’s a damn shame that the cheated on spouse is making this whole thing such a public affair, no pun intended. Yes, because the problem isn’t what the lying, cheating spouse did; it’s how the lied to, cheated on spouse reacted!

I know this is way too simple for most people to believe it actually works, but if you don’t want people to know you’re a lying cheater try not lying and cheating. If you want to fuck anything that moves and deceive your spouse then pull on your big boy or girl pants and face the music. Stop whining and acting like you are the poor, aggrieved victim. You are not. You are the perpetrator.

Chump Lady was also correct when she said that cheaters take it for granted that reconciliation is always on the table and that they like controlling the flow of information.

Information is power and most of the cheater apologist’s are quick to point out when one of them is sharing too much. Don’t give all the details! Don’t tell her/him everything! Don’t be so transparent! Look to Esther Perel for advice on cheating! Sharing too many details just hurts your spouse so you’re doing him or her a favor by not not being completely honest.

Bullshit! That is image management at its finest. Not sharing the details because “it would hurt my spouse” is a load of crap. You don’t share the details because you don’t want them to know certain things. You like having the upper hand. You like keeping this poor deceived person in the dark. You don’t tell the truth because it benefits YOU!

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. It’s over now.

is a lot different from

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. When I told you I was staying late at the office I was actually meeting with her at the restaurant we go to every year for our anniversary. I’ve introduced her to all our mutual friends and they accepted her; we hung out with them, in fact. I’ve had her over to the house and she’s worn your clothes and we had sex in our bed. We’ve made plans to get married and be together forever. I told her all your secrets and complained about all of your flaws to her. She knows everything about you. We had sex two and three times every time we were together. She does x, y, and z, which you never did. I think I’m in love with her and cutting her off is killing me.

In the first situation you can play dumb and might still have a chance at saving your marriage. In the second situation you’ve got a lot to answer to. You no longer have the advantage of knowing everything and keeping your spouse in the dark. It’s a lot harder to convince your wife that Janet meant nothing when she knows the full story and the depth of your deception than when all she knows is you were fucking Janet for four months

So please, save the bullshit about wanting to protect the spouse you lied to and cheated on from anymore hurt. You want to protect your own ass.

And for the love of God, STOP with the “I don’t want to hurt my spouse anymore than I have.” The hurt you have caused already is tremendous. It’s like a murderer saying, “I don’t want to kill this person anymore than I already have.”

As for possibly not wanting to reconcile if your spouse outs your affair to anyone and everyone… well, aren’t you just full of your cheating self? You are taking it for granted that your spouse actually wants your lying, cheating self back. Naturally, once you let this person know you’ve been out fucking someone new YOU have a choice to make. YOU get to take your time and decide whether or not their behavior was appropriate enough for you to accept their request of reconciliation.

If you have cheated on your spouse and you truly desire to reconcile you will take whatever anger and fallout comes your way. You will accept that others may know what you’ve done and judge you. You will accept all of that as the price you pay to reconcile after you’ve cheated and deceived.

Finally, I’ve sat there slack jawed as I read various cheaters talk of standing by their spouse’s side should something awful happen to him or her. Are you fucking kidding me? I can assure everyone out there reading that if I were to be diagnosed with cancer or be in some sort of awful accident, Cousinfucker is the LAST person I would want by my side.

In fact, if I were unconscious and he were stupid enough to come sit by my bed, when I woke from my coma I would stab him with a damn scalpel. DO NOT lie to me, cheat on me, and destroy my life and then try to preserve your image by “standing by me”.

Granted, I know what a liar CF is but how devastating would it be to find out your spouse, who was by your side throughout your entire medical crisis, was actually cheating on you and lying to you that entire time? Disgusting!

At least I’m honest when I gleefully point out to others that should something befall Cousinfucker I would be the person tasked with deciding whether or not to discontinue life support or to make all medical decisions. I don’t dress it up as, “Oh, he’s my husband, the father of my children. Of course I would stand by him if anything bad were to happen.” No, you’d hear something like this:

Doctor, we need to discontinue life support.

M’am, it’s a sprained ankle.

Look, he wouldn’t want to live like this. Pull the plug!

Mrs. Cousinfucker, it’s not a life threatening injury!

I’m also not much touched by their fervent claims that they will always do right by the disrespected spouse because he or she is the father/mother of their children. Who cares? It obviously didn’t mean enough for you to not cheat on your spouse so why tout it as so powerful now? As I remarked about CF telling our kids that I was a good mother, “Who the fuck cares?” Him saying that was about the lowest compliment he could ever give me. I’m a good mom. I sure the fuck hope so considering the fact that you abandoned your children for a whore and left them with me. What? If I’d been a bad mom you would have tried to take them with you when you ran off with the whore? Or you wouldn’t have fucked a whore if I’d been a bad mom?

They are so full of shit. The excuses, the romanticizing the affairs, the bullshit… it’s almost too much to take. Yet it’s oddly comforting because you realize that they all pretty much follow the same script, and they’re all pretty much self-centered whiny babies who think only of themselves and whatever it is they want.

1myyfx

Forgiveness After the Affair

September 2014

It’s too late versus it’s never too late. Hmmm. I suppose it’s a matter of, well, mind over matter. Can you forgive? Can you eat shit? Can you smile while eating said shit? Can you just decide it doesn’t matter and to forge a new beginning? Forget the bad and concentrate on the good? Or, do you say, “It’s just too late,”? Telling you what I need, or needed, and you doing it now, is pointless. That’s where I am with my in-laws. It’s too late. It may be a case of biting off my nose to spite my face but if I actually have to say, “Cut off all contact with the whore and tell her why! Stop complimenting her and talking about getting together with her!” then it’s pretty apparent they don’t think what she did was all that bad. Hell, I think it makes it perfectly clear that they support her. Maybe they even wished he had picked her over me. So why bother?

I know without a single doubt that if my son ever fucks up the way his dad did I would never continue a relationship with his whore. I would contact her once to let her know I knew what had transpired and that in light of that I couldn’t continue a relationship with her. I would let her know that it was much more important to me to have a relationship with my son and his entire family. And hopefully I will love my future daughter-in-law so I would also tell her that, and that I would never hurt or betray my daughter-in-law by continuing a relationship with her, the other woman.

I sometimes think my husband wants to pretend that none of this happened. He wants me to act like none of this bothers me and just forgive and forget. Wouldn’t that be nice? And oh so convenient for him and his family. No, what he really wants is to take the easy way out and to not have to confront his family. He could have ended this a year ago when I told him I didn’t like the fact that his stepfather commented on the whore’s picture and told her she was beautiful. He acted like his hands were tied. I can’t tell him what to post! No, but you could have a conversation with your mom and let her know that immediate family interacting with your whore was painful and upsetting to me, and if they truly wanted to ever see me again it would probably be wise to discontinue their relationship with the whore.

It’s hard to believe there is no contact when everyone he spends time with down there has a relationship with her. Even if he is actively avoiding her it’s easy to see how she could come up in conversation, even show up in person. Easy to see how information about her could be passed along, even if he’s not interested.

No, when you get down to the root of it, me forgiving his family and pretending like none of this ever happened would be for his benefit, not mine. It’s easier for him to try to guilt me into going where I don’t want to go and putting on a fake smile, than it is for him to tell his family that their continued involvement with his whore is resulting in him having to choose between his family of origin and his wife. And by choosing between the two rest assured I simply mean that I refuse to go with him. He wants to spend the holidays with them? He’s free to do so. I won’t be there, though. The kids can go with whomever they choose.

Present Day Sam Says: Folks, this is yet another excellent demonstration of what not to do when you’re reconciling. If this is what you’re dealing with, RUN! He (or she) isn’t sorry. Things won’t change. It’s quite possible you’ll face another D-Day. Get out now!

Everything I worried about happened. Since they never had a problem with her (or the two of them as a couple) to begin with they didn’t have a problem when they hooked up again. Hell, they encouraged it!

Don’t be as stupid and trusting as I was. If your spouse’s family is still in contact with the other person, RUN! I can’t stress it enough. You will never feel safe. You will never BE safe. The interloper will simply hang around and wait for the right time to pounce. Even better- the family will tell that person when the best time to pounce might be. Get out now. Save yourself. It will not end well.

A Post With No Title

August 2014

Two things I want to explore although I may only get through one of them tonight. It’s late and I’m tired.

Apologizing versus burying your head in the sand and only wanting to “focus on the future” and not letting the OW take up head space, courtesy of Shawn’s blog.

I’ve been reading a blog where the man cheated on his wife WITH HER BEST FRIEND for over 2 years. 28 months, I believe. This guy, from the sounds of it, thinks she should be over it, doesn’t tolerate her anger or sadness well, and wants to forget about the past and concentrate instead on the future. I get so frustrated reading about that but if I think back that’s pretty much been Zack’s mantra. We never did talk after I found his message between him and his nephew. Well, I should say we talked a little bit, but not much. It’s all been swept under the rug. Sure, he says he loves me and that she was a huge mistake but I sometimes feel as though we’ve never really got to the heart of the matter. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to take Shawn’s advice to forget about the OW and concentrate on your own marriage. There hasn’t been a final resolution. It’s been: Oops, I made a mistake. I lied and cheated all summer long, spent my days and weekends texting another woman and telling her I loved her and wanted to marry her, had her send me naked pictures but now? Now I realize you are the love of my life and I can’t get enough of you and she was nothing more than a mid-life crisis. All better. Let’s renew our vows!

I keep feeling like there should be more to this, more to repairing the damage. Sure, he answered my questions that first week. He answered some more questions on two different occasions. He seemed genuinely shocked that I was so upset over finding his FB messages that detailed his brilliant plan to dump me and marry her, thinking he had covered that with his vague “we talked about a future together”. That was when he finally admitted it was serious pretty much from the very beginning. And I suppose his reasons were pretty damn simple. He felt like our marriage was over; like there was nothing left. He thought I didn’t care. He wanted love, attention, and affection and he got all that, at least superficially, with her. Easy peasy. And yet I continue to feel like we haven’t done the hard work; we’re just burying our heads in the sand and focusing on the future. Here’s the thing though. Those that don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

Part Two coming tomorrow. Or sometime.

98 or 99% But Never 100%

Blast From the Past 43

May 2014

I want to clear something up. I know I’ve been talking like I’m not completely convinced it’s over between the two of them and like I’m unhappy about the move because of those fears. I no longer feel confident in believing anything having to do with my husband 100%. I can give him 98% or maybe even 99%, but 100% will forever be out of reach. I’m as confident as I can be that it’s over. That this is not a long con. That the closer proximity won’t reignite their illicit affair. But I’ll never be 100% sure. And that’s OK. As I told my therapist, what else can I do besides trust him? I can’t control him. I only control myself. I can’t prevent him from cheating on me with Harley, if that’s what he wants to do. I can only make a decision about what I’ll do if that happens. And I am 100% certain that if he ever cheats on me again I will leave him in a heartbeat. I will crush him. I will destroy him. I will suck the soul right out of his body. When I am done with him Hiroshima and Nagasaki will look like child’s play. I figure he was given two chances already. I forgave him when he came clean (somewhat reluctantly) the first time, with no details forthcoming, no idea how serious it was, and with him acting like she was just one of many. And he turned around and sniffed out his bitch again. I had no clue for almost three months and then her lovely husband was kind enough to let me know they were still fucking around. This time I got all the details and I forgave him a second time. There will be no third time.
*************************************************************************************

Added a few weeks later: So read the above carefully, Harley. It would not have been pretty, and it won’t be in the future. I will destroy him if he ever leaves. And believe me, as the woman who has been by his side the last TWENTY YEARS, it won’t take much. You won’t be skipping merrily into my old life, bringing in your own supposed upgrades. You will be dealing with a man who is a shell of his former self. One who can barely drag himself out of bed every morning. You will be in fix-it mode forever. You will be dealing with an ex-wife who is a vengeful bitch from Hell and two kids who hate your guts. There will be no blended family, no Brady Bunch ending. And if your beloved is so distraught he loses his job you’ll be trotting your happy ass off to work to pay me my alimony and child support. I wouldn’t have/won’t care if you don’t have enough to feed your kids or keep them in their activities. I’ll be thinking of my kids.  And believe me when I say I will be enjoying all the misery from my comfy seat on the sidelines.

Present Day Sam Says:  It turns out I was absolutely correct in not trusting him 100%. The minute I thought I could he turned around and cheated on me again.

Renewing Your Wedding Vows After An Affair

Although this is something I wrote over two years ago  I could write this same post today, almost word for word.

Blast From the Past 41

May 2014

Today I’d like to talk about renewing vows. That seems to be a very big thing with some couples who choose to work on their marriage.

My husband has been very big on it in the past. He would ask me repeatedly to marry him. Told me when we got back from Vegas (probably after I discovered his plans to marry the whore) that he kept walking by the chapel because he wanted to renew our vows but he was afraid to ask me, afraid I would say no.

There is a part of me that thinks it’s a good idea. A fresh start. A brand new beginning. Except for the two kids and 19, 20 years spent together. But, yeah, let’s go with new beginning. The old marriage is dead. The new marriage is beginning. Let’s mark the occasion.

There’s another part of me that thinks: Why bother? I didn’t think he would cheat on me the first time we got married and made vows to one another. But he did. The first set of vows he took didn’t seem to mean much so why would I believe the second ones mean anything? What- the second time he really means it? What happens the next time he starts feeling neglected, or like he’s only a paycheck? Is he going to pause and tell himself that maybe sexting with his whore of a cousin isn’t such a great idea? I don’t know. Some may give him the benefit of the doubt and say he learned from his past mistakes. Others would say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I suppose the question now is do I feel like being forgiving and gracious, or do I wish to punish him?

You Know What Today Is!

Blast From the Past 28

March 2014

I’m continuing to read and one of the things I’ve noticed is that most of these wives are PISSED months and years later. My favorite site says you shouldn’t forgive too quickly because you can’t heal if you’re burying everything and being on your best behavior. It also says that the cheating spouse doesn’t want to deal with the hurt that they’ve caused and they want to sweep everything under the rug. I think that really describes Zack. He doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of his affair. That’s why he’s never told his mom why I’ve distanced myself from everyone. Instead of telling her, “Look, Mom, I know this is my fault and I’ve put you in an uncomfortable position but you are choosing to continue a relationship with the woman I had an affair with. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do but if having a relationship with my wife is important then you’re going to have to cut ties with Harley. You can’t have a relationship with both of them so you need to decide which is more important to you.” I know he’s told me he keeps their conversations very superficial.

I also know he wants to focus on the future and not on the past. Well, isn’t that convenient? But here’s the thing. I KNOW what our problems were. Lack of sex and intimacy. Not doing much of anything together. Not spending time together. Barely having a conversation each day. The kids coming before anything. Living like roommates. He felt like I didn’t care about him and he was nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman. I’m not sure how much we can explore that. I sincerely believe it was a perfect storm. He had told me this stuff, or most of it, on a few occasions and I had ignored him. I admit I got tired of trying. I gave up. And then he reconnects with her on Facebook and she’s unhappy, too. You have two unhappy people and suddenly you’re madly in love and thinking you’ve found your soul mate because this person understands exactly what you’re going through. Throw in the excitement of an illicit affair and the fact you’re both in this fantasy bubble and you have Zack and Harley. So what else is left to say? What’s left to explore?

I think it helps, too, that I was so clueless. I didn’t have to deal with knowing about the affair and him refusing to end it. I did have to deal with the uncertainty of our marriage all summer long, but I didn’t realize she was a factor.

The only time I got angry after my initial confrontation was in October when I found out they were planning on meeting up in June, she was planning on getting her sparrow tattoo, and he was bragging about marrying her. I’ve had triggers and moments of despair, but no angry fits.

So, I’m left wondering if I’m recovering correctly, or if I’ve let him off too easily. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Editor’s Note:  I definitely let him off too easily!  Don’t make the same mistakes I did.  If you’re going to reconcile make sure your cheater is truly remorseful.  Don’t settle for morsels.  Don’t let them pout and whine and get away with not doing the work.  And if they don’t want to deal with the fallout of what they’ve done then dump them!  That should have been my big clue.  It was always about him and how he felt.  Never about me and how I felt.  I was just supposed to get over it.

 

A Letter to My Kids

Hey Kids,

The time has come for you to find out that your mom is not all powerful.  That I am, in fact, human and I make mistakes.  So I want to apologize to both of you.

I’m sorry I picked such a wretched excuse for a human being to be your father.  He has failed you in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine.  For years I listened to him whine on and on about his father and how he was rejected by him.  But you know what?  He always financially supported him and that’s more than I can say for your own dad.

I’m sorry I chose to be a stay at home mom instead of working a job so that when this time came I could support you without his help.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved being at home with the two of you.  I loved being the one to take you places and plan school parties and volunteer at your schools.  I loved going on field trips and being here at home at the end of day.  I loved being able to watch you at all of your meets and games, being the one to drop you off and pick you up, being able to travel with you.  I truly did.  In hindsight, though, I never should have done it.  I should have worked.  I should have told your dad that his career wasn’t more important than my own job.  I should have followed my passion and done something with my life aside from being your mom.  I know that sounds like a shitty thing to say and I don’t mean it to be because, again, I loved being here for you.  I still do.  But I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place now.  I’m sinking fast and I’m taking both of you with me.

I’m sorry I didn’t stand up to him more and baby and cater to him less.  Maybe if that had been the case he would have left sooner and I would have more options.  Maybe it would have helped and he never would have done any of this.

I’m sorry I can’t keep you here through graduation, Rock Star.  I cry every time I think about it even though everyone tells me you’re going to be fine.  I’m going to end gymnastics for you forever.  I’m going to take away you being captain for your team.  I know high school gymnastics was not what you wanted and won’t take you to college but it was better than no gymnastics at all.  I’m taking you from a place where you are a very big fish in a pretty small pond and I’m going to turn you into a goldfish in the ocean, if goldfish could survive in salt water.  I feel like I’m ruining your high school experience and I am so so sorry for that, my sweet girl.  Once again, I listened to your dad whine for years about how he was constantly moved as a child and never attended the same school each year.  He never switched high schools though, a privilege he is denying you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do whatever it was that I needed to do to stay married and give you two a stable home, even if one of your parents wasn’t always sane or even around much.  If I knew what I did wrong, or what I didn’t do that he wanted me to do, I would have taken the appropriate action.  But I have no idea what it is I did or didn’t do that made your dad choose to have an affair.  Honestly, I know  that I can only be responsible for my own actions and he is responsible for his.  I am truly sorry, though, that I couldn’t make this marriage work.

Finally, I am so sorry I agreed to this move.  I am so sorry I tore your lives apart for this shit storm we are in now.  I’m sorry for the pool that we are probably never going to swim in even though we’ve spent a crapload of money on it.  I’m sorry about your friends and your sports and your schools.  I’m sorry about everything that you’ve had to lose and all that you’re still going to lose.  I’m sorry I don’t have a home of our own to move us to.  I’m sorry for all the dreams you have that aren’t going to come true because we have to leave.  I’m sorry for all the plans that you are making that aren’t going to happen.  I’m sorry we’re going to be poor and your lives are going to be turned so far around you aren’t even going to recognize them.  I’m sorry for everything.

Your uncle tells me every time I say that that it’s not me who is ruining your lives- it’s your dad.  I’m here, though, and he’s not.  So I’m the one who is apologizing.  I cannot apologize enough for what is going to become of your lives.  I would say I should have picked better but then I wouldn’t have you two.  At any rate, I failed you both, and for that I’m sorry.  I’ll do my very best to make it up to you somehow.  I promise.

Love,

Mom