Winning Vs. Losing, Or What I Learned From Michelle Kwan

The fabulous Dolly over on The Queen Is In wrote a provocative post last week. She mentioned someone on Twitter who questioned whether or not she stayed because she couldn’t stand to see the OW win. Dolly admitted she, too, wondered if part of why she stayed was because she didn’t want to see the OW win. Several other people commented that they didn’t want to see the OW in their situations win either. I couldn’t really chime in because as you must know if you read my blog, in my situation the OW did win. She got my husband. They are married now. I was effectively cast out and replaced.

Plus, as I kept thinking up a response it kept getting longer and longer so I decided to do what I do best and turn it into a post.

I can understand not wanting to lose your spouse to another person. I felt that way the first time I discovered what was going on. White hot rage that he had been playing me for a fool all summer long while he sweet talked that bitch. She knew I existed. She knew my kids existed. She didn’t give a shit. She wanted what was mine.

I wanted her gone! I wanted to win. I wanted her broken and destroyed. I wanted her to know that he loved me and he would never leave no matter what plans they may have had; I wanted to show her that all I had to do was snap my fingers and tell him I wanted us to work out and she would be gone without a second thought. I wanted her to know I was better than her and that she wouldn’t win.

I demanded he end things with her. I wanted to see it in black and white. His story was that he called her instead and ended things. He said she cried when he told her he could never leave me. I loved that. I felt great satisfaction in hearing she cried, that she felt discarded. She had been messing around with my husband for more than three months at that point and I wanted to banish her from our lives forever. I wanted her to know how insignificant she was to him.

I told him I had contacted her husband and when he told me to leave them alone and let them concentrate on repairing their marriage while we did the same I hissed at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!” He backed off. I felt powerful. In control. Victorious.

So I definitely get it. I did not want her to win. And yet, I remember when our anniversary rolled around and the reality of everything hit me. I was “celebrating” my anniversary with a man who cheated on me.

About two months later I followed it up with this jewel:

One day I was talking to a dear friend who is wise beyond measure. I referred to the whore as a homewrecker. She pointed out to me that she wasn’t a homewrecker; my family was intact and I had won. I had to think about that. I don’t always feel like I’ve won. It sucks knowing your husband was declaring his love for someone else, someone he considered his soul mate. How do you feel like you’ve won when the prize is a lying, cheating sonofabitch? I’m being melodramatic here. I don’t feel that way now. I’m actually pretty pleased with my life right now. But still it’s that phrasing. Kinda like our marriage is better than ever. You know how I hate that one! I don’t think there are any winners or losers in the aftermath of an affair. Sure, he’s with me. He picked me. He’s a lot nicer. A lot more attentive. But he still lied and cheated. And that’s not a great prize to win.

Much like Katniss who won The Hunger Games only to find herself having to fight for her life once again in an ultimate showdown, I found myself in round two of fighting for my marriage a short two years later; sadly, I didn’t realize there was a round two until it was too late.

So this time I lost and she won. But did she really? What did she win?

She won a man who cheats. She won a man who, when times get tough, seeks out others instead of turning to his partner. She won a man who abandoned his children. Maybe she sees that as the ultimate sacrifice and a sign of how incredibly special she is. Most people see it as an act of cowardice. She won a man who can never be happy. She won a man who, according to his court testimony, can’t drive, can’t be around loud noises, and can’t be in public places with big crowds. She won an alcoholic. She won a man who is always the smartest guy in the room and who demands all the attention and adulation. She won a man she can never rely on when things are tough because for him every small problem is a giant problem; she’ll have to be the strong one all the time because he can’t handle it. She won a man who can’t take criticism and who will demand she is happy and appreciative all the time.

My mother likes to remind me that people can be different with different people. She has tales of her own with my father. As a child growing up I remember him spending a lot of time helping my grandpa out on the farm. Once he remarried though he didn’t spend nearly as much time out on the farm. As my mother said once, “It’s amazing that as his father ages he doesn’t need his son’s help nearly as much as he did when he was younger.”

I, on the other hand, don’t believe in personality transplants. I think my stepmom has something on my dad and that’s why their marriage has lasted 30+ years. And following that logic if she had something on him she could effectively control him.

Even if my ex-husband is a completely different person with Harley what is important is how he was with me.

When I “lost” to Harley, I lost a man who rarely used my name when speaking to me. I lost a man who didn’t want to hold my hand in public (although he thought it was hilarious to grope me). I lost a man who told me on many occasions, “Only one of us can be crazy or unhappy at a time, and that person is always me.” I lost a man who took it as a personal insult if I was unhappy or sad or dared to complain about anything. I lost a man who shut himself off in the basement or bedroom, and then dared to justify his behavior with Harley because I “treated him like a wallet and a handyman.” I lost a man who didn’t really want to go on family vacations or outings with us. A man who didn’t bother to go to parent-teacher conferences with me most of the time (I think he attended two). A man who didn’t really seem to care about being a husband or a father when it came time for the day to day activities. I lost a man who didn’t want to socialize with me and friends together. I lost a man who had no interest in hearing my stories from my life before him, and who didn’t really seem to show much interest in my life outside of him when we were married.

More importantly, “losing” him to Harley led me to finding the mobster. It’s no secret that I would have probably stayed until the bitter end. Her swooping in with her “big win” allowed me to find a love I couldn’t even begin to imagine. Yes, I may have “lost” to the OW but do you want to know what I’ve won?

I’m with a man who thinks I’m funny. He genuinely laughs at my jokes.

He thinks I’m adorable. Seriously. I’ll do something and he’ll say, “You are so cute the way you…”.

He butters my roll for me without me even asking. He makes me breakfast. He wants to please me. He sends me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries.

He greets me every morning with, “Hi, Beautiful,”  “Hi, Cutie,” or, “Hi, Babydoll”.

He appreciates the things I do for him instead of merely tolerating them. He has thanked me over and over again for his “Box ‘O Love” and the surprise party I threw for him. He thanks me every time I drive the entire way to see him.

He thinks I’m smart and beautiful.

He listens to me. He listens to all my crazy stories, both present and in the past. I can tell him anything. And I do. He tells me to never apologize for complaining; he wants to hear everything. We’re partners and he wants to hear the good and the bad. He likes to hear about my day. I work in a bank, for crying out loud, and he treats it like I’m doing amazing and interesting work every day. Hell, I believe he even listened to me explaining Candy Crush to him in detail.

He doesn’t tell me only one of us can be crazy at once and it’s always him. In fact, he calms me down when I’m freaking out and he’s willing to take over if I need him to.

He tells me that I give wonderful advice and I’ve been so good for him and I always think things through and know just what to say.

He ran out to Wal-Mart when we were together for my daughter’s Family Weekend and bought me shampoo and conditioner because I hadn’t brought any and the hotel didn’t have any in the room. My mom told me later she was amazed that he was willing to do that and asked me if I could ever imagine CF doing that for me. Considering he grudgingly made me a lemonade when I was pregnant with his child after three miscarriages I’m going to say, “Probably not.”

He accompanied me to a wedding all the way out in Utah AND met a ton of my friends while out there. Some people would have found that to be much like a lamb being led to slaughter, but he was amazing. He was a bit nervous but he was genuinely pleased to finally be able to meet my friends.

He likes to socialize and have fun. He’s always up for adventure. My daughter has labeled him “the happiest person [she] knows.”

He lifts me up. He wants to be a full-time partner to me.

He’s more supportive and attentive to my kids than their own dad was.

And he’s funny. He makes me laugh and we have the best time when we’re together.

He picks flowers for me from the side of the road. He creates chalk signs for me when I come to visit and he buys balloons and decorates for me. He’s willing to drive 10.5 hours to see me. He sends me song lyrics and creates picture books of our adventures together. He gets me a cup of coffee when we’re together.

He’s also never cheated on me and never lied to me. He has been patient and understanding, especially in the beginning when I was a skittish mess. He is the most amazing man and I never would have met him if I hadn’t lost my husband to Harley.

Years ago I remember an interview the lovely, talented and graceful Michelle Kwan did. It was right after the Olympics, where she had been expected to take the gold, only to have someone snatch it out from under her. The interviewer asked her how she dealt with losing the gold medal. I still remember her response all these years later. I didn’t lose the gold. I won the silver.

Wow- talk about reframing a situation. Michelle didn’t lose anything. She won something that very people even have the opportunity to compete for. What does that have to do with infidelity and Harley and losing CF to her, you may be asking?

It’s simple. I don’t look at it as losing my husband to Harley. I look at it as “winning” the mobster and finally being in a relationship where I am valued, cherished and loved.

Missing the Affair Partner… One More Time

I believe I have written about cheaters who miss the affair partner (here, here, here, here, and here) and wish for understanding and sympathy. I haven’t been very gentle about that. #sorrynotsorry

I thought I would try it again after reading a comment on another blog. The comment was basically that most men have a bond with the other woman and that they’re put in this Catch-22 situation where they’re supposed to be open and vulnerable with their wives but gosh darn it, no one seems to understand how much they miss that ho. And no one is sympathetic to that. No one understands what a loss that is. Rats!

I’m going to try to reply to this with a level head and like I really care that a lying cheater misses his morally bankrupt whore. How am I doing so far? LOL I’m just yanking your chain. I know that is not very level headed of me. Do I get points for recognizing that? I can’t help it. I’ve been hurt before…

Seriously though. This is my thought process. No one wants to hear that the person you love is missing someone that caused you so much grief and agony.

It would be like if my boyfriend/husband had a friend. Let’s call him Charlie. And he did tons of stuff with Charlie- going out to dinner, skiing, golfing, hunting, meeting for beers after work. Then one day Charlie rapes me, or beats the shit out of me and puts me in the hospital. I press charges against Charlie and he goes to prison. And then my partner sighs wistfully and tells me with tears in his eyes, “Gosh, I’m really going to miss Charlie. We always had so much fun together.”

Are you fucking shitting me? Maybe instead of reminiscing about all the fun you had drinking beer, eating hot wings, and playing bar trivia with Charlie, you should focus on the grievous injury he caused me!

“Gosh, Sam, you don’t seem to even try to understand that I’m hurting, too. I’ve suffered a loss- a real loss.”

Yeah, I suffered a concussion and several broken bones. I’ll try to be more understanding while I’m going through physical therapy.

This interloper has helped to cause endless amounts of turmoil. Many times they are at the forefront, taunting the wife. He loves me. If you were giving him everything he needed at home he wouldn’t be with me. He wants me, not you. I love him too much to ever walk away. If he wanted this to end, he would end it, but he doesn’t so there is no way I’ll ever walk away.

You betray us with this person and then you want sympathy because you have to give her up. Please understand that I miss this person who has caused you so much pain. I have a bond with her! I feel a real connection.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are not enough. Knowing that even though your partner supposedly wants to work things out with you that he’s still missing his affair partner and mourns the loss of her. He may always yearn for her and what could have been, and you’re expected to be okay with that and to tell him you understand. Tell me more. Cry on my shoulder. Would a threesome help? How about if I just let you bring her on over and you can fuck her right in our bed? Feeling better? Great! Sorry, I know that’s not very level headed. I’m trying to be nice.

Another reason your partner might not be so sympathetic to your plight? She loves you; you have her undivided loyalty. She does not have yours. While you are first in her life, she has been placed in the backseat for your mistress. You’ve probably shared secrets about her with this other woman. You may have even told her lies about your partner. She has not done that to you and yet she is supposed to be understanding. She doesn’t know for certain that if she and the mistress were both trapped in a burning building that you would rush to save her before the mistress. Maybe she would die while you tried to figure out a way to save them both.

This bond that you speak of between you and your mistress comes at the expense of your supposed primary relationship. If she never agreed to a non-monogamous relationship then she probably doesn’t buy into your explanation that your love is not like a pie, where there is only so much to divvy up and as more and more people enter the picture, the smaller the slice you get. No, rather your love continues to expand, much like a parent can love more than one child.

The problem with that is most people don’t consider their relationship with their partner to be similar to their relationship with their child. It is definitely a pie situation.

I find it difficult to believe that you can be all in with two or three or four different people. No, what generally happens is that each person gets a little part of you, but no one ever gets the whole you. Or in the case of affairs, one person meets 90% of your needs while the other person meets 10% but you believe that that 10% is so much more valuable than the 90% your partner offers up.

That’s about all the niceties I can do. My real thought process on this is that if you miss your mistress so much then go to her. Stop wasting my time. I deserve to be happy, too; being invested in a person who is mooning over a whore does not make me happy. You are not the only person in this relationship and your feelings and wants are not the only ones that need to be considered. Go to your mistress and let’s see if you explain to her that while you’ve chosen her she still needs to understand that you miss me very much and you shared a very deep bond with me.

I doubt it. That’s not usually what you read. It’s more along the lines of: My affair partner is simply fabulous. She (or he) is everything my spouse is not. She (or he) understands me. We have an ethereal connection.

There is no missing the primary partner. There is no thought of the primary partner. Only the affair partner.

I don’t think most cheaters would enjoy being compared to someone else. I don’t think they would appreciate hearing how their partner misses how much fun she used to have with Marco because he always took her to such amazing places. Or how she really misses Blake’s money and all that he used to buy for her. Or how fantastic Owen was in bed. Or that Ben just gets her and you don’t.

Your wife/girlfriend/partner doesn’t enjoy that either. And yet the expectation is understanding, sympathy. You poor lamb. You must be in terrible pain.

I can admit without a shred of embarrassment that I am a possessive and jealous person. I do not share. I have no interest in sharing. The mobster knows this about me. He knows that if he wants a non-monogamous relationship that I am not the woman for him. He knows that if he lies about wanting a monogamous relationship in order to “win” me and then fucks around on me that I will end the relationship without a second thought, and that there will be no second chances. He also knows that it is a two way street. I will never be unfaithful and I would never expect, nor even ask for, a second chance if for some unknown reason I did do the unthinkable.

I like to tease him about our conversations way back in the beginning when we first began talking. I don’t think either of us really thought this would go anywhere so we were free to talk about anything and to be very open and honest about it. In one of our first conversations I remember him telling me he would always love his wife. I even still have a text message where he made that comment.

You know what I thought to myself when I heard that? No, it wasn’t, “Oh, I’m going to change his mind!” It was, “He is not relationship material.” I was not going to compete with the memories of his wife. I was not going to get involved with yet another person who longed for someone else yet settled for me.

I was in a relationship for 20 years where I was basically ignored, thrown under the bus, and never made a priority. He never stuck up for me. He cheated. He didn’t respect me as a person. And he probably mooned over Harley while I tried to be understanding and forgiving and worked on all of my faults in order to repair our relationship. I will never accept that again.

If the mobster truly believed that he would always love his wife then he was free to do so. Quite honestly there was no way that I could ever stop it. But if that’s how he felt then we would never evolve beyond friends because I was not going to share again, and I would not be put in second place yet again. If I ever chose to date again then I was going to have that man’s undivided attention. He would have no torn loyalties. There would be no, “I love you but you need to understand….” in regards to another woman. You can love her all day long but you need to go along your way and leave me the fuck alone because I don’t share and I sit at the head of the table.

When you ask your partner to sympathize with you because you’re missing your affair partner, or to recognize the fact that you have a bond with that other person, you are asking your partner to take second place. You are telling your partner that he or she is not enough for you. Your loyalties are divided. We are left always wondering, “If you left me and went to your affair partner would you miss me like you miss her (or him)?”

Give Me a Freaking Break

It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.

March 2015

I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more.  She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else.  And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage.  Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry.  It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.

I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt.  Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.

Rationally, I get it.  I’ve read it before.  They cheated with this person.  There was a relationship of some sort.  They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away.  I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift.  But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair.  You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying.  We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”.  That’s no better.

As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course.  I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him).  I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry.  I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman.  Period.  At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass.  Come back when you’re over her.  And if it takes too long I’m moving on.  Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit.  I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore.  “Oh, sweetie, I understand.  This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard.  Hey- I’ve got an idea!  Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage?  Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!

Here’s the thing.  As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second.  You’re reality.  She’s fantasy.  And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life.  Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening.  Any big event.  A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child.  So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down.  I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December.  The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate.  This has never happened.  None of it.  I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute.  That’s what life with the affair partner is.  It’s a possibility.  It’s a fantasy.  You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner.  So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love.  You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love.  Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.

I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage.  As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this.  I don’t need that.  It’s already difficult enough.  If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.

A Post With No Title

August 2014

Two things I want to explore although I may only get through one of them tonight. It’s late and I’m tired.

Apologizing versus burying your head in the sand and only wanting to “focus on the future” and not letting the OW take up head space, courtesy of Shawn’s blog.

I’ve been reading a blog where the man cheated on his wife WITH HER BEST FRIEND for over 2 years. 28 months, I believe. This guy, from the sounds of it, thinks she should be over it, doesn’t tolerate her anger or sadness well, and wants to forget about the past and concentrate instead on the future. I get so frustrated reading about that but if I think back that’s pretty much been Zack’s mantra. We never did talk after I found his message between him and his nephew. Well, I should say we talked a little bit, but not much. It’s all been swept under the rug. Sure, he says he loves me and that she was a huge mistake but I sometimes feel as though we’ve never really got to the heart of the matter. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to take Shawn’s advice to forget about the OW and concentrate on your own marriage. There hasn’t been a final resolution. It’s been: Oops, I made a mistake. I lied and cheated all summer long, spent my days and weekends texting another woman and telling her I loved her and wanted to marry her, had her send me naked pictures but now? Now I realize you are the love of my life and I can’t get enough of you and she was nothing more than a mid-life crisis. All better. Let’s renew our vows!

I keep feeling like there should be more to this, more to repairing the damage. Sure, he answered my questions that first week. He answered some more questions on two different occasions. He seemed genuinely shocked that I was so upset over finding his FB messages that detailed his brilliant plan to dump me and marry her, thinking he had covered that with his vague “we talked about a future together”. That was when he finally admitted it was serious pretty much from the very beginning. And I suppose his reasons were pretty damn simple. He felt like our marriage was over; like there was nothing left. He thought I didn’t care. He wanted love, attention, and affection and he got all that, at least superficially, with her. Easy peasy. And yet I continue to feel like we haven’t done the hard work; we’re just burying our heads in the sand and focusing on the future. Here’s the thing though. Those that don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

Part Two coming tomorrow. Or sometime.

Mistakes Made On D-Day #1 (or #2)

Blast From the Past 24

March 2014

It’s very difficult to find blogs that deal with emotional affairs. Most of them focus on physical affairs. I have found one though, written by a couple, and it’s amazing how many times I’ll read something and think, “That’s exactly the way I feel!” So anyway I came across a few entries talking about mistakes made upon discovering an affair and tough love. It makes me think about what happened when I found out the first and second time, and what happened in between.

When he “confessed” the first time I was simply stunned. It came out of nowhere. I was so stupid and naive. He cried and promised he wouldn’t have anymore contact with any of them anymore. I had no idea that he was pretty much lying when he said he had been texting multiple women but I was smart enough to realize Harley was a problem because he actually knew her. He wasn’t texting multiple women; the others he was referring to were people he corresponded with on a public message board. Editor’s Note:  I now know that’s not true.  There was at least one other person he sexted with and he probably was sexting with two other women like he originally said. Maybe more. He was texting Harley. It was extremely serious. They were declaring their love for one another and talking about marriage. He tried making it sound like she was one of many and that it was no big deal. I never had the guts to ask what they were texting about. I stupidly believed it was over because he said it was. And I figured I would never get answers to my questions. Even when I felt like something was off, like when she was liking his picture on Jezebel’s page, or when she was liking the sentiment of “don’t worry about doing the right thing; do what makes you happy,” or when she was posting all of her inspirational crap on her own page that just screamed, “I’m waiting patiently to steal your husband!”, I still didn’t put the pieces together. He came back and her picture was all over the house and everything was picked up and the very next day she blocked me. I must have suspected something but I kept hiding my head in the sand. But I never had to be told to back off and let the affair play out because I honestly didn’t realize he was still involved with her, and I sure as Hell didn’t know how serious it was.

After I confronted him in June and he told me he didn’t know if he still loved me and threatened me with divorce if things didn’t go back to the way they had been (and I guess part of that would have been continuing his affair) and I kept pushing for changes I figured that maybe he had been in contact with her up until he came home to her picture up all over the house. I honestly could believe she blocked me because he had finally called it off and she was mad. How stupid of me! But I never questioned him. I never pressed for answers. I never brought her up. But again, it wasn’t difficult because I had no idea in my oblivion that they were still carrying on their affair. I was focused on not pressuring him, yet showing him I loved him, and trying hard to reconnect and strengthen our marriage.

My second D-Day changed all that. I was confronted by her husband who was telling me it was still going on. At that point I didn’t even know if it had ever ended. And I had a birthday party to throw. That was the day I put tough love into play. I was FURIOUS! I learned from my past mistakes and this time I demanded answers. I wasn’t going to pussyfoot around this time. You tell me everything and you tell me NOW! I don’t care how badly it hurts; I want answers. I faced everything head on and I told him to end it NOW! I asked him how long he thought I was going to put up with this and told him I deserved to be happy, too; I deserved to be with someone who loved me and wasn’t stringing me along. I told him to get his head out of his ass and to make a choice because I was done.

That was the day he finally ended it. And I sincerely believe it was because I truly was done and he knew it. I wasn’t putting up with anymore of it for one more second. You want to keep fucking around with Harley? You think she’s the love of your life, your soul mate? That’s fine. Then you get out of my house and leave me alone and you go to her. There will be no more of me taking care of you and doing my damnedest to meet your needs while you get your ego stroked by her. Pick one. And if you pick her you better remember neither I nor your children will be here. She’s going to have to meet ALL of your needs now. I was dying inside. I kept thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to get a divorce. He’s going to leave me for her.” I had no idea how it was all going to play out; I just knew I couldn’t deal with the status quo any longer. I couldn’t walk around on eggshells. I couldn’t continue to live in a marriage where I wasn’t loved and didn’t know if he was going to leave me once our youngest graduated high school or college, or once we moved closer to her. I think maybe the biggest difference was that this time I knew he was involved with someone else. I don’t know if I would have tried so hard if I knew he was still texting Harley, and certainly not if I knew they were saying I love you and talking about marriage. Before I thought we had simply lost our way and needed to find each other, rediscover being a couple. I didn’t know there was someone else. Maybe I didn’t want to know. But once I was confronted with hard evidence that there was someone else I said oh Hell no! I’m not sitting on the sidelines while you fuck around with your whore. You can have her or you can have me, but you can’t have both!

I think that was the shock he needed. He saw me pissed. He saw me fighting for us but also not willing to be a doormat. Suddenly life with Harley was no longer a secret fantasy; it could become a reality and then she would be in the position of no longer being fantasy woman but a real life wife. All that talk and all those dreams would be put to the test. Now they both would have to live up to all those promises they’d been making to one another. Their relationship would no longer be a secret; it would be out in the open and put up to scrutiny from family, friends, co-workers, and their children. If they were unhappy it would no longer be because of their horrible spouses; it would be because of themselves. During their affair I’m sure they only showed their good side to one another. Once I was out of the picture Harley would now have to deal with all his quirks. And he would have to deal with all of hers.

I suppose the fact I was leaving for a week also helped because he experienced what it would be like without me and the kids. He says he feared I wouldn’t come back. In several texts I told him to go be with her. When he confessed to telling her he loved her I told him I didn’t know if I could do this. When I found his old message to his nephew I told him to book a flight and go find her and be with her. I think (hope) he realizes there will be no more second chances. Tough love, baby; tough love!


The Grand Prize Was a Cheater & a Bottle of Vodka

February 2014

One day I was talking to a dear friend who is wise beyond measure. I referred to the whore as a homewrecker. She pointed out to me that she wasn’t a homewrecker; my family was intact and I had won. I had to think about that. I don’t always feel like I’ve won. It sucks knowing your husband was declaring his love for someone else, someone he considered his soul mate. How do you feel like you’ve won when the prize is a lying, cheating sonofabitch? I’m being melodramatic here. I don’t feel that way now. I’m actually pretty pleased with my life right now. But still it’s that phrasing. Kinda like our marriage is better than ever. You know how I hate that one! I don’t think there are any winners or losers in the aftermath of an affair. Sure, he’s with me. He picked me. He’s a lot nicer. A lot more attentive. But he still lied and cheated. And that’s not a great prize to win.

I’ve recently resolved to stop letting her take things from me. I think it was the vodka that threw me over the edge. I love vodka and I refuse to give it up because some skank ass whore who sent naked pictures to my husband and told him how much she loved him and wanted to suck his dick all summer long, likes it, too. Fuck that! I also don’t give a flying fuck what kind of dream house they picked out. I’ll buy whatever kind of house I want and if it happens to be Harley’s dream house, oh well! Sucks for her that I’m living in her dream house (with her soul mate, nonetheless) and she’s not. Maybe I’ll even start calling my husband baby and honey and sweetie again. Screw you, Harley! You’re not taking another damn thing from me. Let me rephrase that. Even though you have TRIED to take my husband and my life away from me you FAILED! And I’m certainly not going to start voluntarily giving things up simply because the thought of being anything like you nauseates me. Maybe he was attracted to her because she reminded him of me. Maybe she’s the one who should be distancing herself from me and everything I like. At any rate, I am done. I will drive to Whore Town, the city in my state that has the same name as yours, every day if I have to. I will do it with my head held high, a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Because at the end of the day they are all simply reminders of a person who attempted to fuck with me, who tried to worm her way into my life and snatch away my husband. A reminder of a person who completely and utterly failed.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, that didn’t play out quite the way I thought it was going to.  I think I’m still the one who is going to end up laughing. 


Unnumbered and Multiple Blasts From the Past

I believe I have shared already the purpose behind these Blasts From the Past.  #1 they’re great filler for when I’m not in the mood to write.  #2, and this is really the driving force, is my need to be totally honest about everything that precipitated CF’s physical affair with Harley and subsequent decision to leave us.  I don’t want to portray myself as a completely innocent person who never had a bad thought. Yet, honestly I don’t see any of this stuff that I wrote previously as being so horrible.  I look at it as the normal ramblings of a person who was betrayed and then asked to move across the country, closer to the whore.  I have second guessed myself so many times because of this.  There is still that thought that if he had never discovered this we would still be married.  My life would still be the same.  My kids wouldn’t have to recreate themselves yet again.  So I put this out here in the hopes that people, unbiased people, will chime in and tell me, “Sam, dude was crazy, narcissistic, entitled, self-important…. You didn’t drive him crazy.  You didn’t cause this downward spiral he was determined to be on.”

My mother herself said this to me just the other day.  She said reading through that she didn’t see anything that would lead to him being devastated and losing his mind.  There was nothing about me constantly saying I was going to leave him or that I hated him.  Sure, I said I didn’t necessarily trust him and I didn’t like being made to jump through hoops when he was the one that fucked up, but there was nothing terrible in all of this.  So, I went back through the beginning and decided to offer up a few more ramblings.  I want to be thorough.  I will be printing almost all of my previous entries.  What isn’t being printed right now are pictures of her and the various memes that either meant something to me, or that she liked and would put up on her FB page.  I’m letting everything else hang out.  Time to blast off to the past!

November 2013

Everyone is doing this ridiculous 30 days of thanks. I guess I should come up with 5 things. Let’s see….

1. I’m thankful for the whore that messed around with my husband because it made him realize he really did love me. Thanks, Harley Buttwipe Whoreface!

2. I’m thankful that I have been blessed with seeing my in-laws’ true colors. Whores before wives!

3. I’m thankful I have the ability to protect my kids from fake relatives.

4. I’m thankful that I have dogs because dogs seem to be more loyal than people these days. Or maybe it’s always been that way.

5. I’m thankful this is #5 and I don’t have to come up with another bullshit item I’m grateful for.

November 2013 

What do you call a married woman who sends a married man (not her husband) naked pictures of herself? Harley! (My husband’s whore will also work as an answer.)

November 2013

Today I discovered something I truly am thankful for. I’m thankful I don’t have to make it through any major holidays thinking about them being “together”. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day may be shot (we’ll see) but I don’t have to look back and think, “They were together at this time last year.” There are many affairs that go on for months and years so I’m thankful my husband lost his mind for only a few short months so I don’t have to force myself to get through holiday after holiday, knowing it’s tainted by his whore.

Added December 2013: Yeah, I’m pretty sure those holidays are shot for me. I will, however, be getting a gift every August 14th and maybe even every October 23rd. Haven’t decide yet if I’m going to make him buy it for me or if I’ll just pick something nice and expensive up for myself.

December 2013

One thing I hear often is that the husband gets off easy while the OW is vilified. I’ve been giving that some thought, wondering if my husband has been punished, too. I think he has. He was in complete anguish the first few days, not knowing if I would come home or not. He said he was fully prepared to get in the car and drive 1500 miles to bring me back home. When I have a bad day he worries still that I will leave him or kick him out. He knows that because of what he did his children and I will never again be around his family. For the rest of his life, if he chooses to remain married to me, he will need to live two separate lives- the one he shares with us, and the one he shares with his family of origin. He has shown remorse for what he has done. He lives with a certain amount of fear that I will never forget, never let him forget, what he did. She’s not remorseful. She doesn’t give a damn about the pain and humiliation she inflicted. If he had left us she would be happily planning her wedding now, never looking back. He looks back on what he did and calls it temporary insanity, says he should have bought a motorcycle instead. So no, he’s not getting off easy. I’m getting a Galaxy tablet, a 2 1/2 carat diamond, and maybe even a nice expensive purse out of his indiscretion. He’s definitely paying- both monetarily and emotionally. Nothing I call her, nothing I do in regards to her, will ever come close to what I’ve done to him without even trying.

Editor’s Note:  I got 2 out of 3- no new diamond for me.  Rats!  But rumor has it he bought one for her.

December 2013

Oh, this is so ironic. And bold. She’s pretty much telling all of her friends and family about her affair.

A friend posted this poem this morning, thank you

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

― Warsan Shire

Editor’s Note:  This is four months after CF supposedly ended things with her.  Four months later and she’s still pining for him. But it’s fine that CF’s family are up her ass constantly.  It’s fine that she’s up their asses constantly, too.  I just needed to let go of the past and focus on the future.

December 2013

I find it funny that only four months ago my husband was her soul mate, her true love whom she wished to marry and start a new life with, and now she can’t sing her own husband’s praises enough. Oh look at this, husband! Oh husband, I want that! Oh he takes such great care of me. Yada, yada, yada. Sounds like someone is trying just a bit too hard to convince everyone she has this perfect marriage.

December 2013

My mother-in-law has joined Facebook. She sent a request to me and my daughter. I waited before confirming. When I went to check back later I saw she was friends with the whore. Guess I won’t be accepting that friend request. And neither will my kid.

Who does that? Honestly. Do you really think it’s appropriate to be friends with your granddaughter, your son’s wife, and your son’s whore? SMH

December 2013

These past few days have been hard. I think our anniversary has triggered something. Some days I feel like we really are better than we have been in years, but then that feeling makes me so angry. I remember saying to him, after he told me I knew he hadn’t been happy in a very long time, “So you thought going outside of the marriage was going to make it better?” And yet time and time again you hear that said. Our marriage is better than ever. It just pisses me off lately. I feel pathetic and weak. Who in their right mind stays after being betrayed? Who brags about how much better their marriage is after her husband’s betrayal? It seems wrong and I just want to scream. I envision people in his family commenting on how happy we seem and I see myself replying sarcastically, “Oh yeah, I tell all my friends now if their marriage is in a rut their husband should go off and have an affair. Does a marriage a world of good!”

Today was the first time since I learned they had told each other they loved one another that I felt like maybe I couldn’t do this afterall. I’ve watched as she interacts with family members on FB. This most recent one has no idea, but it was the realization that for everyone she’s still this beloved family member. They don’t care what she did. She’s their beloved Harley and they don’t care that she spent the summer having an affair with my husband. They don’t care that she sent him naked pictures all summer long. They don’t care my husband left our house every morning and immediately texted her good morning and then proceeded to talk on the phone with her every day on his (their) drive to work. That he would leave early on the weekends to “get coffee”, which was really just an excuse to escape the house so he could talk to her. They don’t care that I confronted him in June about a week after our daughter’s birthday because the whore had blocked me. He lied. He lied through his teeth and said he had no idea why, that he hadn’t contacted her, that they had had no plans to meet up. Lies! And even after he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, because he was so engulfed in their “love” and all of her sexual overtures, I still said I wasn’t giving up; I thought we could be better than ever. And so he spent the next two and a half months perpetuating the lies and humiliating me. Texting her every morning, calling her every morning, texting and sexting all day long while at work. And then coming home and letting me throw myself at him. Letting me drag my ass out into the hot garage, listening to rap music, all just to be closer to him, to reinvest in us. Letting me try to please him and show him I loved him and believed in us. And then the next morning he was texting the whore. Good morning. I’ve escaped from the clutches of my horrible wife. I’m yours for the rest of the day. And she would tell him how much she wanted to suck his dick, how much she wanted him to fuck her, how she didn’t really care for anal sex but if he wanted it she would give up her ass to him. And of course how much she loved him and wanted a future with him.

I remember sending him naughty pictures. She was, too. I remember shyly modeling sexy lingerie for him. That was the weekend he got back from the wedding. The weekend he planned on taking her with him to get his tattoo. The weekend he was going to introduce his nephew to his future wife and have him tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize their love.

I have all of this to contend with and still she remains their beloved Harley. They won’t disengage. They won’t unfriend her. She remains in their lives, commenting, making her presence known. And now I have to decide if I can live the rest of my life with that.

Do I leave this man with whom I have spent the last 19 1/2 years? Do I destroy my children’s lives, turn them upside down, tear them away from everything they’ve ever known? Am I biting off my nose to spite my face? I honestly don’t know if I can live with her shadow in my life always, everywhere. I’m going to wait out the holidays and see how I feel after Christmas.

Editor’s Note:  This was the first time I ever made mention of possibly not being able to remain married.  I only said it one other time, a year later, after I realized he was throwing me under the bus to the Jezebel.  Every time it happened it would happen around our anniversary.  I’m not going to apologize for that.  Our anniversary was always a tough time.

December 2013

Pissing myself I’m laughing so hard. She talks about her son’s reaction to The Nutcracker and how he was disgusted by their short skirts. Someone chimes in that his comments were due to the value system he had been taught. Are you kidding me? His mother is a whore who fucks around with married men! She was willing to rip her kids’ lives apart for the fantasy life she had created with another woman’s husband. Value system my ass.

December 2013

I just received a phone call from my mother-in-law. Received as in she called but I didn’t answer. She left a message and told me she wanted to talk to me for a few minutes. I texted the husband and asked why she had called. To reconnect apparently. Isn’t that sweet? Why don’t you go reconnect with Harley? Oh wait, that’s right. You’ve been doing that all along.

He told me I didn’t have to talk to her and he’d tell her to stop calling. But I envision what I would say. I wouldn’t call, of course. I’d text so I could save it for posterity.

Should I do short and sweet? There is no need for us to talk. I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who continues to associate with my husband’s whore. You friended her on Facebook, you fawn over her and tell her how pretty she is, you continue to associate with her knowing she was the whore that carried on an affair with your son all summer long. You continue to treat her like she has done nothing wrong instead of like the whore who almost destroyed your grandchildren’s lives. We have nothing to say to one another.

Or do I go with the longer version where I discuss the naked pictures and all the sexting and lies, the sparrow tattoo, and the fact that they were claiming to be in love with one another and planning a future, with my husband going so far as to tell his nephew he was going to marry the whore?

Decisions, decisions.

December 2013

Final post of the day. I said I would wait until the holidays were over before I made any decisions since our anniversary was definitely bringing up bad vibes. Holidays aren’t completely over; we still have New Years to get through. But I am feeling much better. I once again think we can make it through. We are eying a possible move, a move that six months ago I was dead set against. Who the hell moves closer to her husband’s whore? This new state isn’t as friendly to mothers as my current state is but it is pro mom. I’m taking a leap of faith here and if I get burned I fully intend to use the nuclear option. Hopefully that won’t be necessary. So hooray, divorce has been squelched once again. Can’t promise it won’t change again but for now we’re doing Ok.

December 2013

Great! We share the same anniversary month. Yesterday she celebrated 16 years with him. I wonder if the anniversary brought up bad feelings for him, too. I notice he didn’t reply on FB. Is she happy? Does she mourn the loss of her “soul mate”? Was it a happy celebration, or did they just go through the motions? Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care if she’s happy. I don’t care if she’s sad. I wish it would all go away.
Added January 2014: And then she shares the day of the month of her anniversary with my birthday. Well aren’t we just cosmic twins? No wonder she felt so entitled to my husband.

December 2013

New Year’s Eve. Last day of 2013. I sure hope 2014 is better. Or at least whore free. And hey, maybe I’ll be able to put this all behind me and forgive and forget. I’ll renew relationships with my traitorous in-laws. I’ll be completely healed and never give the whore another minute of thought. Wow- I am really putting a lot of pressure on the new year.