Missing the Affair Partner… One More Time

I believe I have written about cheaters who miss the affair partner (here, here, here, here, and here) and wish for understanding and sympathy. I haven’t been very gentle about that. #sorrynotsorry

I thought I would try it again after reading a comment on another blog. The comment was basically that most men have a bond with the other woman and that they’re put in this Catch-22 situation where they’re supposed to be open and vulnerable with their wives but gosh darn it, no one seems to understand how much they miss that ho. And no one is sympathetic to that. No one understands what a loss that is. Rats!

I’m going to try to reply to this with a level head and like I really care that a lying cheater misses his morally bankrupt whore. How am I doing so far? LOL I’m just yanking your chain. I know that is not very level headed of me. Do I get points for recognizing that? I can’t help it. I’ve been hurt before…

Seriously though. This is my thought process. No one wants to hear that the person you love is missing someone that caused you so much grief and agony.

It would be like if my boyfriend/husband had a friend. Let’s call him Charlie. And he did tons of stuff with Charlie- going out to dinner, skiing, golfing, hunting, meeting for beers after work. Then one day Charlie rapes me, or beats the shit out of me and puts me in the hospital. I press charges against Charlie and he goes to prison. And then my partner sighs wistfully and tells me with tears in his eyes, “Gosh, I’m really going to miss Charlie. We always had so much fun together.”

Are you fucking shitting me? Maybe instead of reminiscing about all the fun you had drinking beer, eating hot wings, and playing bar trivia with Charlie, you should focus on the grievous injury he caused me!

“Gosh, Sam, you don’t seem to even try to understand that I’m hurting, too. I’ve suffered a loss- a real loss.”

Yeah, I suffered a concussion and several broken bones. I’ll try to be more understanding while I’m going through physical therapy.

This interloper has helped to cause endless amounts of turmoil. Many times they are at the forefront, taunting the wife. He loves me. If you were giving him everything he needed at home he wouldn’t be with me. He wants me, not you. I love him too much to ever walk away. If he wanted this to end, he would end it, but he doesn’t so there is no way I’ll ever walk away.

You betray us with this person and then you want sympathy because you have to give her up. Please understand that I miss this person who has caused you so much pain. I have a bond with her! I feel a real connection.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are not enough. Knowing that even though your partner supposedly wants to work things out with you that he’s still missing his affair partner and mourns the loss of her. He may always yearn for her and what could have been, and you’re expected to be okay with that and to tell him you understand. Tell me more. Cry on my shoulder. Would a threesome help? How about if I just let you bring her on over and you can fuck her right in our bed? Feeling better? Great! Sorry, I know that’s not very level headed. I’m trying to be nice.

Another reason your partner might not be so sympathetic to your plight? She loves you; you have her undivided loyalty. She does not have yours. While you are first in her life, she has been placed in the backseat for your mistress. You’ve probably shared secrets about her with this other woman. You may have even told her lies about your partner. She has not done that to you and yet she is supposed to be understanding. She doesn’t know for certain that if she and the mistress were both trapped in a burning building that you would rush to save her before the mistress. Maybe she would die while you tried to figure out a way to save them both.

This bond that you speak of between you and your mistress comes at the expense of your supposed primary relationship. If she never agreed to a non-monogamous relationship then she probably doesn’t buy into your explanation that your love is not like a pie, where there is only so much to divvy up and as more and more people enter the picture, the smaller the slice you get. No, rather your love continues to expand, much like a parent can love more than one child.

The problem with that is most people don’t consider their relationship with their partner to be similar to their relationship with their child. It is definitely a pie situation.

I find it difficult to believe that you can be all in with two or three or four different people. No, what generally happens is that each person gets a little part of you, but no one ever gets the whole you. Or in the case of affairs, one person meets 90% of your needs while the other person meets 10% but you believe that that 10% is so much more valuable than the 90% your partner offers up.

That’s about all the niceties I can do. My real thought process on this is that if you miss your mistress so much then go to her. Stop wasting my time. I deserve to be happy, too; being invested in a person who is mooning over a whore does not make me happy. You are not the only person in this relationship and your feelings and wants are not the only ones that need to be considered. Go to your mistress and let’s see if you explain to her that while you’ve chosen her she still needs to understand that you miss me very much and you shared a very deep bond with me.

I doubt it. That’s not usually what you read. It’s more along the lines of: My affair partner is simply fabulous. She (or he) is everything my spouse is not. She (or he) understands me. We have an ethereal connection.

There is no missing the primary partner. There is no thought of the primary partner. Only the affair partner.

I don’t think most cheaters would enjoy being compared to someone else. I don’t think they would appreciate hearing how their partner misses how much fun she used to have with Marco because he always took her to such amazing places. Or how she really misses Blake’s money and all that he used to buy for her. Or how fantastic Owen was in bed. Or that Ben just gets her and you don’t.

Your wife/girlfriend/partner doesn’t enjoy that either. And yet the expectation is understanding, sympathy. You poor lamb. You must be in terrible pain.

I can admit without a shred of embarrassment that I am a possessive and jealous person. I do not share. I have no interest in sharing. The mobster knows this about me. He knows that if he wants a non-monogamous relationship that I am not the woman for him. He knows that if he lies about wanting a monogamous relationship in order to “win” me and then fucks around on me that I will end the relationship without a second thought, and that there will be no second chances. He also knows that it is a two way street. I will never be unfaithful and I would never expect, nor even ask for, a second chance if for some unknown reason I did do the unthinkable.

I like to tease him about our conversations way back in the beginning when we first began talking. I don’t think either of us really thought this would go anywhere so we were free to talk about anything and to be very open and honest about it. In one of our first conversations I remember him telling me he would always love his wife. I even still have a text message where he made that comment.

You know what I thought to myself when I heard that? No, it wasn’t, “Oh, I’m going to change his mind!” It was, “He is not relationship material.” I was not going to compete with the memories of his wife. I was not going to get involved with yet another person who longed for someone else yet settled for me.

I was in a relationship for 20 years where I was basically ignored, thrown under the bus, and never made a priority. He never stuck up for me. He cheated. He didn’t respect me as a person. And he probably mooned over Harley while I tried to be understanding and forgiving and worked on all of my faults in order to repair our relationship. I will never accept that again.

If the mobster truly believed that he would always love his wife then he was free to do so. Quite honestly there was no way that I could ever stop it. But if that’s how he felt then we would never evolve beyond friends because I was not going to share again, and I would not be put in second place yet again. If I ever chose to date again then I was going to have that man’s undivided attention. He would have no torn loyalties. There would be no, “I love you but you need to understand….” in regards to another woman. You can love her all day long but you need to go along your way and leave me the fuck alone because I don’t share and I sit at the head of the table.

When you ask your partner to sympathize with you because you’re missing your affair partner, or to recognize the fact that you have a bond with that other person, you are asking your partner to take second place. You are telling your partner that he or she is not enough for you. Your loyalties are divided. We are left always wondering, “If you left me and went to your affair partner would you miss me like you miss her (or him)?”

Give Me a Freaking Break

It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.

March 2015

I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more.  She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else.  And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage.  Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry.  It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.

I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt.  Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.

Rationally, I get it.  I’ve read it before.  They cheated with this person.  There was a relationship of some sort.  They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away.  I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift.  But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair.  You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying.  We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”.  That’s no better.

As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course.  I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him).  I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry.  I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman.  Period.  At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass.  Come back when you’re over her.  And if it takes too long I’m moving on.  Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit.  I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore.  “Oh, sweetie, I understand.  This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard.  Hey- I’ve got an idea!  Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage?  Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!

Here’s the thing.  As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second.  You’re reality.  She’s fantasy.  And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life.  Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening.  Any big event.  A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child.  So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down.  I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December.  The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate.  This has never happened.  None of it.  I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute.  That’s what life with the affair partner is.  It’s a possibility.  It’s a fantasy.  You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner.  So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love.  You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love.  Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.

I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage.  As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this.  I don’t need that.  It’s already difficult enough.  If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.

More On Grieving the Affair Partner

October 2014

Yep, reading another blog. This one is by a cheating spouse. Says he’s remorseful but it seems like he spends most of his time grieving the loss of his affair partner. At one point he was asked if he had feelings for her and he replied that it was one of the most intense and exhilarating, I believe, relationships he had ever had. As his wife I would have been pissed and beyond hurt. I can truthfully say that if Zack actually ever felt that way about Harley he was smart enough to never admit it because let me tell you… If he had, I would have been outta here. If you’re so in love and heartbroken then just go to her. Let’s see if you miss me. Let’s see how you feel when she’s the only one you’ve got and there is no wife at home doing your laundry, cooking your meals, taking care of your children, taking care of you. Let’s see if she’s so wonderful when she’s the one having to do all of those things. When she’s cost you a relationship with your kids.

I will say Zack has made it seem like even though he told her he loved her he now realizes he never did. At one point he told me he thought he talked to her and shared with her the way he wanted to do with me. He referred to her as his midlife crisis. Even when I asked him, a little less than a month after D Day, if he missed her and he admitted he did, he was careful to say he missed talking to her and hearing about family. He tried to be clear it wasn’t her he missed so much as it was what she represented.

I am thankful for all of that. I honestly don’t think I could stay and try to work through things if he was pining for her and acting like she was his true love, his soul mate, the one that got away. I was sincere when I told him I deserved to have someone who loved me. And I would not want to live my life knowing I was second best, or that as much as my husband may profess to love me there was always that one person whom he loved even more.

Present Day Sam Says: Experience has jaded me. If you’re grieving your affair partner then you have no business being married. Leave your spouse, let him or her find someone worthy of them, and go roll around in the gutter with the immoral shithead who thinks it’s perfectly fine to fuck a married person.

Missing the Affair Partner

September 2014

This is what I was going to write about in my last entry before I got off on my tangent. These other blogs. Every now and then you’ll get comments from the cheating spouses and they talk about how much they miss their affair partner. I asked Zack once, around a month after he ended it, if he missed her. He said he did, but it was more that he missed talking about that side of the family. If he were still mooning over her I’d have left. I know by late October he was calling her a midlife crisis and said he should have bought a motorcycle. I have to say the one thing I am definitely proud of was my insistence that I deserved to be happy too; I deserved to be with someone who loved me. If that wasn’t him then he could leave and go be with his whore.

To all of you jackasses out there mooning over your whore go to her (or him). Get the fuck out and go be with your lying, cheating soul mate. Do you really think you’re doing your spouse a favor, wasting their time while you pine for someone else?

One of them was going on and on about his gorgeous 23 year old whore. She was half his age and the best sex he’d ever had. So go to her! Find out what living with her 24/7 is like. See if you think she’s so wonderful when her only job is no longer sucking your dick. See how eager she is to ride your dick all night long when she is expected to clean your house, cook your meals, do your laundry, run errands for you, look after you while you’re sick. How are you going to deal with it when all you want to do is bang your hot little girlfriend but your kids are over and they get sick in the middle of the night? And what happens if the baby whore doesn’t want to take care of you? She’s pretty. Everyone wants her. You may end up doing all those things your wife used to do for you. Sex goddesses don’t clean up after men. They don’t cook or do laundry. And they certainly don’t take a backseat to some other woman’s children. You may have to say goodbye to your children in order to hang on to your baby whore. But, hey, she’s young. She can pop out a few replacement babies for you. In the next few years. Won’t that be fantastic? You’ll be a 50 year father to a newborn. 72 when that kid graduates from college. Your friends are experiencing freedom because their children are teens or older and you need to get back home to your baby whore because you have an infant. Your friends aren’t quite so envious now, are they? You have to say no to weekends away and adult activities, and your sexy gorgeous baby whore is now tired, potentially fat, and focused on her newborn instead of sucking your dick and riding your penis all night long. Meanwhile, your kids that you ditched hate you and have nothing to do with you, and your ex… Well, she’s older, wiser, and now that her kids are older and more independent she and her new husband have plenty of time for weekend getaways, traveling, and couple time. Now that she’s in a relationship where she’s loved and cherished and isn’t constantly being compared to your baby whore she’s happy, healthy, and having lots of sex. She and her husband are the ones that watched or will watch your kids graduate from high school and college. They’re the ones going on vacation with them and sharing their lives with them. They are the ones your kids will turn to when they need help. You’ve lost everything and for what? It won’t be long until you’re looking for your new baby whore.

Present Day Sam Says: I know this is very similar to Just Go. Sorry.

It still amazes me how cheaters expect sympathy because they’re missing the whore. It still amazes me that so many of them think the whore is their soul mate.

No matter how many of them think they know what life will be like with their affair partner 24/7, no matter how many of them say, “It’s more than just sex. We have a connection!”, it’s still a fantasy.

I read on another website that an affair partner usually meets about 10% of the cheating spouse’s needs. 10%! The spouse fills the other 90%. What’s going to happen when the affair partner has to go from meeting 10% to 100% of the cheater’s needs?

I say it’s not real life because it isn’t. Affairs are dirty secrets. They’re hidden. They’re sneaky and furtive. People think they know how life will be because they think they’re working, taking care of kids, and doing the daily grind with the affair partner. Only they’re not. The spouse is generally there picking up all the slack while the two cheaters sneak away- free of all obligations except their yearning loins.

Seriously, cheaters, if you think the whore is your true love I’m begging you- leave your spouse and marry the whore! And then please blog about it. I would love to hear how everything is going one or two or five years down the line.  Please! Go fulfill your dreams!

What NOT To Do When You (Try To) Reconcile

I’m not sure how much information I have to offer.  I tried reconciliation the first go round.  I actually thought we had achieved that.  Apparently I was mistaken.

Choosing to reconcile or to divorce is a very personal decision.  I don’t attempt to sway anyone in either direction, but I will try to offer some helpful tips on what not to do if you’d like it to be successful (and even these things might not be enough).

  1. Don’t let the cheater give you a list of things to do so that you may improve.  I think that’s probably my biggest tip.  I made it too easy on my cheater, my little shit eating chimp.  Way too easy.  He felt no shame in asking for various changes on my part. He felt quite comfortable telling me how he wanted me to text him all the time- like she did. Send me pictures- like she did.  Come sit outside and watch me as I mow the lawn.  Maybe bring me something cool to drink- like she said she would.  Come sit beside me.  Just touch me when you pass me by.  Text me just to say hi- like she did.  Did I have a list for him?  Of course not!  I was just so thankful to get another chance at making my marriage work it never occurred to me to give him his own list.  I’m sure that if I had given him a list I would have heard the same thing I always did:  That’s just the way I am.  Having been through this already I can tell you that you shouldn’t be the one doing all the work.  The cheater is the one who should be winning you back, not the other way around.  Don’t fall into that trap.  If the cheater is trying to get you to win him/her back, giving you a list of things to improve so that he/she is not tempted to cheat again, or trying to convince you that this is all your fault while conveniently refusing to take responsibility for any of this mess then chances are this is not going to be a successful reconciliation.
  2. Don’t let go of your anger too soon.  That’s another one of those things I did.  Again, you want so badly for everything to go back to the way it was.  Everyone tells you to get over it or to not be bitter.  Everyone wants to preach about forgiveness.  Let me tell you- I can hold a grudge like no one’s business.  I’m good at it.  But hating someone takes absolutely no time or effort on my part whatsoever.  I’ve always said that if holding a grudge takes a lot out of you then you’re not doing it right.  My philosophy for long term grudges is this:  I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.  But then again I’m not going to seek you out to see if you are on fire, nor am I going to try to burn you alive. The popular opinion seems to be you should forgive someone who has wronged you for your own benefit.  Screw that!  Jesus might forgive Cousinfucker and Harley but I sure as hell don’t have to!  They can kiss my ass.  And here’s the thing.  If your cheater really loves you and wants to make things right with you then he or she will take your anger.  They will realize they deserve your anger and will rightfully ride out the storm instead of whining about how mean you are and how sad they are feeling because you won’t let them off the hook.
  3. Don’t let the cheater tell you to “focus on the future” or try to make you feel guilty if you are still angry or get triggered by things.  Focusing on the future just meant my shit eating chimp didn’t have to face his shitty behavior.  Let’s not focus on the fact that I lied and cheated and deceived; let’s focus on the future.  How well do you think that would go over if I took his whole pay check and spent it on a Disney cruise?  “Baby, let’s not dwell on the fact that we don’t have money to pay the mortgage or the utilities; let’s focus on the future!  We’re going to have so much fun on that cruise!”  Cheaters want to change the narrative.  Don’t let them.  Let them know you need to fix the problems from the past before you start focusing on the future.
  4. Don’t operate from a position of fear.  I know it’s scary.  I know change is hard.  I know no one gets married thinking, “Wow, I’d really like to be married for about 20 years and then get a divorce and start my life completely over.”  Unfortunately you’re going to have to confront all of this shit head on.  You cannot operate from a position of fear.  You need to feel like you are in charge.  If your cheater insists he or she is in charge then you should probably dump their ass and move on.
  5. Don’t let them get away with not sticking up for you.  Another big one that I was guilty of.  I believe I’ve said before that Cousinfucker never stuck up for me.  I told him almost immediately that it was very painful to watch as people in his family continued to fawn over that white trash whore.  His response was that he couldn’t control them; they were adults. His mom would act confused about why we were no longer close and his reaction was to act equally bewildered.   What he should have done was confronted the issue.  Hell, the first time any of them liked Harley’s pictures or complimented her after they learned of his affair he should have put his foot down.  Fuck this idea that they are grown people and he can’t control them!  It’s not about controlling them, CF.  It’s about sticking up for your wife and letting them know that if they are going to continue to have a relationship with your whore that you will no longer be able to have a relationship with them.  If your cheater can’t put you first then you are doomed.
  6. Don’t believe in coincidences.  The list I have is fairly long.  The first time around it was solely the fact that once he returned from a visit to find her picture put up all over the house I was mysteriously blocked on Facebook.  Naturally he knew nothing about that.  That was all between her and I.  This time around there was the refusal to take either of the kids the first time he was going to “visit his mom”.  I have no idea if he was truly going to visit her, or if this was going to be the first time he went to see Harley, but either way he didn’t want the kids to accompany him.  There was also Harley liking his mom’s post about having a handsome son (one of those annoying “Share if you Agree” posts), liking her post when she asked for prayers for him, liking his picture on his sister’s page, and suddenly developing a desire to advocate for vets with PTSD.  Finally there was his staunch refusal to take our daughter to a funeral with him and the fact he was sleeping with his phone. All huge red flags.  And all things I refused to see as such.  Don’t dismiss those red flags as coincidences!
  7. Don’t be afraid to confront the cheater.  That was a biggie for me.  I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I didn’t want to bring things up again.  I should have.  I should have questioned and raged and made his life a living hell.
  8. If you have a list of things your cheater needs to do in order to stay married to you stick to it!  This is another area where I went wrong.  My list was fairly small and straight forward:  Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact, give me the passwords to all electronic communication, get the passcode off your phone, attend marital counseling, let me know if she ever makes contact with you, stop discussing our marital problems with your sister.  I also let him know that this was not going to be an overnight thing; it would take time to rebuild.  Yeah, right.  See #2 and #3.  The big baby was frustrated within a month after DDay if I asked questions or had a bad day.  Bad sign!  That meant he wasn’t willing to do the work. Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact?  Hmmmm….. he was supposed to send a text letting her know it was over.  Instead he called her.  I didn’t want a phone call; I can’t *see* a phone call.  Instead, what he sent as proof that is was over was her text to him, telling him how she couldn’t do this anymore.  It just wasn’t right; it was killing her to hurt her husband and children.  She begged him not to call or contact her ever again.  And my little shit eating chimp replied that her husband was right to tell me what was going on and gosh darn it he was going to be the father and husband and man he needed to be!  It was disgusting.  I never once got the satisfaction of actually seeing in black and white the words:  We’re done.  I choose my wife.  Get out of my life.  Nope, I got to read about honor and duty and sacrifice.  Let me tell you- that really warms a girl’s heart and doesn’t leave you feeling insecure at all!  As for no contact or telling me if she ever makes contact again… yeah, we all know that didn’t happen or this blog wouldn’t exist.  He did give me the passwords and got rid of the passcode on his phone, even offered to put my thumb print in on his phone when his company supposedly ordered them all to password protect their phones.  But then he began sleeping with his phone.  Plus he had already deleted Facebook when I tried to download the archive history.  Said Facebook made him feel bad about himself but I figure he was just afraid I would find something he didn’t want me finding.  Marital counseling was a joke.  He went but didn’t really participate and as I believe I mentioned before he was expecting it to be all about “focusing on the future”.  And finally he went all passive aggressive with the whole “do not discuss our marital problems with your sister who encouraged your affair”.  That obviously meant I didn’t want him to have a relationship with her so he was just going to cut her off altogether.  Except he didn’t because then how could he moan and whine to her about how I hated him?  Not only did he break our agreement he flat out lied about what was going on.  Double betrayal.
  9. Don’t accept being second best.  Don’t accept your cheater putting the whore’s feelings, comfort and safety above your own.  If she’s still his main concern you and your marriage are in trouble.  When I look back now I’m appalled at how much I put up with.  As I said above about the text… Her with her:  Oh, Cousinfucker, I just can’t do this anymore.  It isn’t right.  I can’t stand hurting my kids, hurting the one man who has stood by my side through good and bad.  We just can’t break up two families who have done nothing wrong.  Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Please, I’m begging you, don’t contact me- don’t call or text.  I’m deactivating FB. And him with his:  You are so right!  We can’t do this to our families.  I’m going to do my best to be a better husband, a better father, a better man. Don’t contact me either.  PUKE!  This came on the heels of our conversation where I asked him point blank if she was worth losing his wife and kids and he replied that he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  He was actually very honest about the fact that he told her from the very beginning that he would never leave his kids.  Apparently, he has rethought that, or maybe having them 20+ hours away wasn’t acceptable but being 6-8 hours away is ok.  I digress.  For all I know he had no intentions of ending it with her.  Maybe he called her and told her, “Hey, baby, the coast is clear!  My wife knows so now we can be together!”  Maybe she then realized it wasn’t going to be that simple.  Maybe he really did think he couldn’t liquidate his assets and move on out with her.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that none of that was what I wanted.  I wanted to hear him tell me he was sorry.  I wanted to hear that I was the one.  It wasn’t until after I told him that I deserved to be happy, too, (this was still before the lame ass texts he showed me) that he finally realized he might lose me and that he might need to up his game.  I will say that in our many conversations he did tell me that I was the one he wanted; she was a mistake, a midlife crisis, a cliche.  But those first two things that occurred?  Those colored my entire so-called “recovery”.  I always wondered if I was the second choice.  I think that if you really are going to reconcile that there should be no doubt that you are the FIRST choice, the ONLY choice.  A few days after DDay I told him I wrote back to her husband, letting him know that CF had deleted all the naked pictures his wife had sent to mine.  CF was crying I believe and begged me to leave her alone and just concentrate on us and our family.  “Let them heal and deal with all of their stuff, while we do the same!”  Oh, boo hoo.  I remember hissing at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!”  Again, lots of concern for the whore.  Not quite so much concern for the wife.  That is a no-no.  I don’t want to portray it as though he never tried to prove I was the one he wanted.  We went out on dates.  We spent a weekend away.  He told me how much he loved me and did at times say Harley was a huge mistake and she wasn’t the one he wanted; she was simply a cheap substitute for me.  In the end, though, those things he said in the beginning wouldn’t go away.  They always left me insecure.  His talk of happiness was always a huge trigger for me as well because he admitted that he had told his sister that Harley made him happy.  I felt like she could do something I couldn’t no matter how much I had tried for years and years.  Maybe if we had talked about these issues a little bit more instead of trying to bury them and “focus on the future” something good could have come out of it.  But that’s not what happened.  Don’t do what I did!  Don’t accept being second best.
  10. Don’t accept this idea that your spouse needs to grieve the loss of their co-cheater.  This is not something that I personally dealt with much but I think it’s important.   About a month after DDay Cousinfucker was visiting his mom (by himself, of course) and I was questioning him.  I asked if he missed Harley and he admitted that he did sometimes; however, he went on to say that he didn’t think it was her that he missed so much as it was what she represented and the fact that she filled him in on things that were happening with that side of the family.  Yet another unacceptable answer.  It should have been:  Of course not!  She was a huge mistake and almost cost me my marriage.  I don’t even think about her anymore. At the time I was busy reading reconciliation websites and blogs; common wisdom seems to be  that this is natural, that your cheater has had an intense relationship with this person.  I’ve read blogs by cheating men where they are lamenting the loss of their whore.  I’ve read them by women justifying their affairs with their man-whores.  They seem to always think that by saying they were in love that excuses their treacherous behavior.  I’m not speaking of it excusing the affair.  They seem to think their “love” excuses the continued wistful thinking of the co-cheater.  It doesn’t.  The last thing any betrayed wife wants to hear is how her husband truly loved the woman he was fucking behind her back, and because of that, please be patient with the poor guy because he’s really really sad.  For any men that may be reading this please substitute the correct nouns and pronouns.  Yeah, if your spouse is still grieving the whore things are not looking good.  It’s not natural.  If you feel guilty about what you’ve done you don’t have time to miss the person who is inducing that guilt.  You are far too busy trying to make up for your misdeeds
  11. DON’T MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY SO THAT YOU’RE CLOSER TO THE WHORE!  That’s a biggie!  If the cheater is suggesting a move further away from the whore- you may possibly be safe.  But don’t agree to a move that will put you closer to the whore.  That was my big mistake.  I was way too confident and trusted my shit eating chimp way too soon.  He wasn’t worthy of all that trust.

I’m sure there are undoubtedly more things that should appear on this list but this is all I’ve got for you today.  There are many things I wish I could have done differently but this list highlights the main things I would have changed.  I needed the anger.  I should have confronted him, questioned all those coincidences, and made him stick up for me.  I suppose that would have entailed being very explicit with what I needed him to do.  I should NEVER have allowed him to railroad me into dancing for him.  He should have been dancing for me.  And it goes without saying that moving across the country closer to Harley was an undeniably stupid move.  But you know what?  Even that I won’t allow the blame to be placed on me.  I was a good wife.  I trusted him.  I put his feelings and his wants and desires ahead of mine all the time.  You are SUPPOSED to trust your spouse.  It is NOT my fault that he wasn’t worthy of my trust.  Or me.