Continuing To Lie To Myself

May  2015

Cousinfucker was sad yesterday.  I’m sad for him.  He said he can barely function at work.  That sends alarm bells off.  I know to an outsider it might sound like I’m only concerned with the money but the fact of the matter is even if I went back to work I can’t make anywhere close to what he’s making.  He is our sole breadwinner so if he gets fired because he can’t function any longer we are fucked.  All of us. I’m a little less panicked today than I was yesterday.  I don’t know why.  Possibly because I just dig my head in the sand and trudge on.

I was thinking about this yesterday.  Thinking about happiness, actually.  I mean, I live in a beautiful place.  It’s absolutely gorgeous.  I love the rolling hills and the cows and all the farms dotting the land.  I can even deal with the fact that Whoreville doesn’t have all the conveniences that our previous town does.  We’re 2 hours from DC.  We’re 6 hours from NYC.  About 3 hours from the ocean.  And M is moving here!  I could deal with the fact that I’m not super busy like I was or that I don’t have tons of friends.  What I’m having trouble with is not even having a husband.  I have to always be strong because he is always breaking down.  He can’t support me because I’m busy supporting him.  I look at all these places, these Civil War sites or wineries, and think about how much fun it would be to go to some of that.  And then I realize I won’t be able to because Cousinfucker can’t do it.  He wants to be my best friend but he can’t do anything with me.

Thankfully, he is getting help.  I’m hoping the psychiatrist can prescribe some medication that will really help him.  I feel guilty because I have been falling asleep on the couch the past week or so.  I try not to do that because it makes him feel unloved.

In uplifting news Rock Star went to the cheerleading open gym yesterday and she said it was really fun.  I’m glad she liked it.  That kid has the world by the tail.  Everyone knows her, or at least of her. I tell her all the time I’m living vicariously through her.

Picasso seems to be having better days.  Or if they’re not better he’s keeping it to himself. I’ve been trying to get him an appointment with a child psychologist and Cousinfucker and I have talked about having him tested for ADD. In fact, Cousinfucker thinks there’s a possibility that he himself may have ADD.  Hell, at this point I don’t care what they diagnose.  Just medicate him!

Present Day Sam Says: How fucked up is that? I’m worrying over falling asleep on the couch because it makes him feel unloved. He kicked me out of our bed for over 7 years. You think that might have made me feel unloved? I forgot- I don’t count. The only important thing is that now he has decided I may sleep with him I’m the problem if I fall asleep on the couch.

Re-reading this makes me sad. My daughter did have the world by the tail and now… there are many days when she hates her life. Thanks, Dad!

I did live in a beautiful place. Turns out the mobster was only about 3 hours from me. I lived in a big, beautiful home with every material thing I had ever wanted. And now I live where I live, with my mom. I have very little to call my own. Cousinfucker took all of that away from me. He even took the ability to have a normal relationship with this most wonderful man away from me. Instead of being 3 hours apart and able to see each other every weekend we’re 10.5 hours apart and see each other… once every 2, 3,….9 weeks. Hooray! My husband fucks a whore and gets to see her every weekend while we’re still married and living together, even taking long weekends to see her. Now he’s living with the slut. Me? Yeah, I don’t get every weekend and I certainly don’t get 3 and 4 day weekends. The mobster would love to move to where I am but we are both responsible parents. We don’t do whatever the hell we want whenever we want to do it. So it will be at least 2 years and possibly even more before that becomes a reality.

I worried about what would happen to us if he lost his job because he “couldn’t function.” I should have worried more about me and the kids. Turns out he did just fine, but my premonitions about what would happen to me and the kids were dead on. I will probably always be living near the poverty line thanks to him and what he did to me.

For. The. Love!

Pardon me while I rant a bit. I apologize in advance to any of my male readers because I’m not going to do my usual man/woman, he/she, husband/wife stuff that I normally do. Why? Because the comments I’m seeing are from men, husbands. I have yet to read a blog by a woman who laments that her husband has not made her his entire focus. Gets a little pissed when he’s out drinking at all hours, every night during the week, with buddies? Upset when he spends every weekend doing one of his hobbies instead of spending anytime with her and the kids? Sure. But upset that he talks to his parents or doesn’t spend every waking hour glued to her side? No. I will concede that there are probably women out there like that. Tracie Andrews comes to mind. But I haven’t read any of their blogs so today it’s all about those men who whine and whine because their wives have friends, family, work, kids, and other things to do.

What the hell is up with this? In the recent days I’ve seen men lament the fact that their wives aren’t devoting 100% of their attention to them. I’m hearing, “I have needs,” and “I wish we could just have sex every day and she would ignore everyone around else and focus on me, Me, ME!” There is, of course, the obligatory, “My wife pours all of her attention into our kids.” Hey- here’s an idea. Maybe if these whining men would actually help out with the kids the wife could devote more time to them!

There was even lamentation that the wife had a family that she liked to talk to! She had friends she did things with! That bitch! Sometimes the wife even has ill or dying parents, sometimes it’s the husband’s parents that are ill and she’s still the one taking care of them while he complains that these dying people are taking attention away from him. Doesn’t she realize she has a husband and she should drown out the sounds of everyone and everything to attend to his every whim whenever and wherever he needs?

Hey, men! She’s your wife; not your girlfriend. I thought I covered it pretty thoroughly in my post with the same name. If you want someone devoted to you and your every need don’t get married. Continue to date endlessly and only see each other 3-4 times a week. It will keep the spark alive and she’ll be able to focus solely on you whenever the two of you are together!

I’m sure I come across jaded but I prefer to think of it as reality. One more time for those still complaining… Your relationship is going to change. It is inevitable. When you first meet someone it’s all fireworks and chemistry and passion. That doesn’t last. It never lasts. Even in great relationships reality begins to intrude. You have kids. You need to pay bills. You get a pet or two. You’re running kids around. In some cases you have children who end up needing more of your time and energy because of mental health issues, addiction, health problems, etc. Parents get older and need more help. People go back to school. People change jobs. You move. You have bad jobs, sucky bosses, family members die.

Putting all that aside there is a difference between dating and marriage. When you’re dating you are putting your best face forward. You laugh at the corny jokes. The bad habits don’t annoy you, yes because you’re madly in love so it’s no big deal, but mainly because those bad habits are new and you think you can put up with them. Ten, fifteen, twenty years later you might not be so understanding. You don’t see each other every day so every encounter is new and exciting. All her attention is focused on YOU because everything is NEW! She dresses up, she does her hair and make-up, she shaves her legs. Again, because every encounter is an event. It’s not everyday life.

And sex? No matter how fantastic it may continue to be, years with the same person is not going to be as exciting as that first time. No matter how great the sex may be it’s still not sex with a different person.

I think what bugs me the most is all this neediness. These men are demanding attention like little toddlers. I still remember the day I spent upstairs in the bedroom with CF. We did nothing except watch TV and he was probably laying all over me. He began crying and then told me that this was the best day of his life because I had spent the entire day glued to his side. I don’t have that kind of time and energy. It was mentally exhausting. It all harks back to, “Make me happy!” Dude, I’m not responsible for your happiness. You control that. So please, for the love of all that’s holy, grow the fuck up!

Being married brings with it adult situations. It’s not all fun and games. It’s too bad they don’t discuss that in school. It’s not one long date. You live together. You see each other in the morning before hair and make-up is done and when you have morning breath. You see each other when one of you is puking in the toilet or when one of you has gas or cramps. You see each other when you’re in a bad mood, or you’re sad, or you’re pissed. It’s years and years of living together, seeing each other at your worst, going through tough situations, supporting each other. It’s celebrating milestones together, buying and selling homes together, moving, consoling each other at the deaths of your parents, raising children and pets, discussing bills and taxes, negotiating all of life’s daily time sucks. The hot monkey sex, if you’re lucky enough to have that? That’s a part of the marriage. It’s not the entire marriage. Being your wife’s sole focus? That’s a fantasy. If you really want someone like that you’re going to end up with someone like Tracie Andrews! She’s not a balanced person. I can’t imagine the pressure of being everything to someone. Having friends, interacting with family, getting out into the community, having hobbies are all good things! If you’re much past the age of 5 and you’re still demanding someone focus on you 100% whenever you’re around you’re pretty much an entitled narcissist. Again, grow the fuck up!