Welcome to the Jungle, Part 1

Note:  When I started writing this I thought it was going to be one simple post.  Here’s the crazy- enjoy!  As I began writing it became clear to me that there was a lot of material to cover.  It ended up turning into one long post; however, I decided that in order to fully savor all the dysfunction I’ve dealt with over the years it might be easier to chop this up into smaller pieces.  It’s really a lot to digest at once.  This is part one of five.    

Originally, I briefly introduced a small cast of characters, but I’ve heard from some people who think this has been better than an episode of Jerry Springer, so I have decided to elaborate. I haven’t even revealed the best stuff.  Let’s flesh these characters out a bit, shall we?

Just a small disclaimer before we begin.  These are all stories I am relaying to you as they were told to me.  If anything is incorrect it is because lying liars who lie lied to me.

We’ll start with an easy one and ease you into the dysfunction.  My STBX-FIL who I shall call Pastor Fake.  Yes, Pastor Fake won’t say “fuck” but doesn’t seem to have a problem with people actually fucking and cheating on their spouse.  Let’s see… to date, his son is a cheater, his step-daughter is a cheater, his step-son is a cheater, and oh yes, he, too, is a cheater.  Granted, it occurred very early in the marriage and they’ve now been married over 30 years but still.  He’s a cheater.  Oh, I know- God forgives and no one is perfect.  So true.  But I’m pretty sure there’s something about repenting in there, too, and so far, no one in that family is repenting.  Then again, why should you when everyone is telling you to do whatever makes you happy?

My favorite Pastor Fake story, though, is one that involves my mom.  I think I might have mentioned this before.  Harley was lamenting how she was spending a sleepless night because she so missed the comfort she had become accustomed to, i.e. I sure miss fucking Sam’s husband; my bed is so empty tonight because my married lover returned home to his family.  Pastor Fake *liked* her status, knowing full well what was going on.  Remember- everyone down there knows they’re having an affair.  Everyone knows they’re both married.  Oh, bonus tidbit!  Pastor Fake was the one who married Harley and her husband!  Isn’t that awesome?  He marries them and his wife encourages Harley to cheat on her husband with her son.  That is charming.  Shit.Eating.Chimps.  All of them!  Back to the story…. Pastor Fake likes Harley’s status, so my mom, who has had enough of their bullshit at this point, sends him a message, basically asking how he can possibly like that when she’s talking about another woman’s husband.  He’s supposed to be a pastor, a man of God. She goes on to tell him she doesn’t know what his version of the Ten Commandments looks like but hers includes “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”. BOOM!  Needless to say, Pastor Fake did not respond.  In fact, he unfriended and then blocked my sweet mommy.  Can you believe that?  I am shocked!