Three Months From D-Day #2

May 2015

Oh boy, lots of stuff has gone on.  It has been a very busy week.  I never mentioned this, but last Wednesday Rock Star got kicked in the face at gymnastics and they ended up calling an ambulance to transport her to the hospital.  I was freaking out, although I don’t know why.  I’ve seen worse.  I was there when she broke her elbow.  I was there when she broke her back.  I was there when she slipped doing a flick on beam and crashed on her head.  This one threw me, though, and we all ended up going to the hospital together.  Zack was excellent.  Rock Star ended up with a broken nose and a gash on her nose that needed stitches.

Friday Zack left to go to Kentucky.  He made it about 40 miles before the anxiety overtook him and he ended up back home.  He was a mess all weekend and spent most of it drinking and sleeping.  I was going to hide his bourbon again but he got shitty with me so I left it.

Friday night/early Saturday morning our cat died.  We had just lost his mom a few months ago.  Friday was also the day I had decided I had had enough with our crappy cell reception.  There were storms and I was getting no service so I went to Best Buy and switched cell phone providers.  That was a debacle in itself. I was there until about 8:15 Friday night before I had to leave to pick Rock Star up from the gym. Then we were there for several hours on Saturday finishing up.

Monday Zack didn’t want to go into work but realized he had to.  He was having an awful morning and nothing seemed to help.  He also thought he was going through withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol because he was shaking and couldn’t keep anything down.  He ended up having me pick him up at 2 that day. Good news was he finally agreed to try EMDR therapy again.

Rock Star’s appointment with the ENT was that day as well.  He did not like the looks of her wound and said her nose did look crooked to him which she confirmed. Since he wanted to restitch the wound so the scar wouldn’t be as noticeable he wanted to do the surgery the very next day so Zack and I both spent most of Tuesday at the hospital.

Today was supposed to be the start of Zack’s therapy but something with work came up so it’s been switched to the 18th. And tomorrow I go in for a surgical consult to see about having my lipoma removed.

I saw a text from Jezebel where she was complaining that the kids don’t even know her.  And when Zack was saying he was so worthless because he couldn’t even drive to see his mom she replied that he only felt that way because he was so miserable with his life. I know I’m very sensitive to anything she has to say when it comes to Zack because it feels like she is salivating at the thought of him leaving me, but it really did feel like she was telling him that if he just had the courage to leave me everything would be ok.  You’re miserable because Sam makes you miserable.  If you leave her, life will be perfect and you will be happy.

There have been a few times when I thought about going through his phone but you know, it’s just not worth it.  I don’t confront him so nothing ever changes.  He gets drunk and down on himself and the next thing you know it’s all about how I don’t care. He portrays me as a horrible person and doesn’t see it at all.  He actually thought he was protecting me in his texts to Blockhead. I’m tired of searching and verifying, and usually, getting hurt by what he’s saying.  If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. I can say now I believe his trip back to Kentucky last weekend was going to be about his mom.  I’m 99% sure of that.  I’ll reserve 1% for doubt just so I don’t look like a total idiot if it turns out I was wrong.

And once again I have to say I’m a little tired of Jezebel playing the victim.  First of all, it’s been 3 years since she’s seen them.  They were 9 and 11, not exactly little babies or even toddlers or small children who might not remember.  Secondly, up until February she could have come to see them.  She could have arranged for them to come see her.  But she chose not to. I blocked her on FB for a short amount of time when Zack’s affair and her encouragement in it came to light.  It was no more than 2 months and probably less than that. And that was one mode of communication.  ONE!  There are dozens.  She has had years to contact them.  She could have messaged Rock Star via FB once the block was off. I know Rock Star continued to follow her on Instagram and I imagine Jezebel was following Rock Star.  If not, that had nothing to do with me.  She could have asked Zack if she had an email address and contacted her that way.  Both kids have a cell phone and have had one for years.  She could have asked Zack for their numbers and he would have given them to her and she could then have texted or called them.  She does not have enough respect for me to even try to play the “I knew their mom didn’t want me around” card.  If she wanted it badly enough she would have seen them or talked to them. Hell, despite the fact that I DON’T want her in contact with my kids now because of the stunt she played in February, she could still ask Zack for their phone numbers and communicate with them. But Jezebel wants to do what Jezebel wants to do and then she expects everyone else to bring themselves to her. She’s not going to go out of her way for something that is not that important to her. Over Christmas she managed to drive her sweet little ass to Florida and then turn around and go to Gatlinburg. Then, because Husband #3’s dad was sick, they returned to Florida for 2 weeks. So it’s not like she doesn’t have the time.  She has it and she spends it the way she wants; unfortunately, she does not care to spend it with us.  We are supposed to come to her and she fits us in between her busy schedule. She has visited us 7 times in 20 years- 5 of those times were for some other event: bridesmaid luncheon, wedding, Rock Star’s birth, jewelry show, Picasso’s birth/jewelry show.  That leaves 2 times in 20 years that she has visited with us just to spend time with us.  And she has not been to our home in almost 13 years.  The last time she visited was when Picasso was a baby. So yeah, I’m tired of hearing excuses. And really, that’s part of the reason I started to pull away even before Zack’s affair.

It got to the point where I was like:  Why am I driving out of my way to see people who can’t be bothered to come see us once in a while? And then my mom and nephew started coming out to Utah so I didn’t go back to Indiana. And if I wasn’t going to Indiana I wasn’t going to Kentucky either. The last time I drove to Indiana was July 2012 and I didn’t go down to Kentucky that year.  I came out for BFF’s bridal shower and then turned around and drove back.  I think I was out there for maybe a week. On the other hand, that’s the same year we went out there for Easter so they had just seen the kids.

Anyway, I’m just done with her.  I can’t take it anymore.  And my husband needs to put me front and center and stand up to her where I’m concerned. I want him to say to her:  Don’t continue to try to undermine my wife.  I love her.  She is the love of my life and I have no intentions of leaving her.  I don’t want to live my life without her and if she ever left me I would be devastated.  She has been by my side for 21 years.  Where have you been, Jezebel?  You haven’t visited me at my home in almost 13 years.  I lived in Utah, 1800 miles away, for almost 8 years and you never once came to visit.  Hell, when I flew across the country and stopped into Kentucky you drove to pick up your son and couldn’t be bothered to drive the extra 10 minutes to Frisch’s to see me.  Sam’s mom and brother drove 10 hours to see me!  Sam herself packed up Rock Star and Picasso and drove 3 hours to see you and Mom when you sang up in Detroit.  Even spent money on a hotel room.  But you couldn’t go 10 minutes out of your way and yet you continue to badmouth my wife.  You’re so concerned that she’s making me miserable and yet when I checked myself into a psychiatric facility at YOUR urging you left me in her hands.  She was the one who came by every day during visiting hours.  She was the one who went out and grabbed magazines and gum and word puzzles for me.  She was the one who spoke up on my behalf at the hospital when there was something she felt they needed to know or when I had questions I didn’t want to ask.  Where were you?  You didn’t visit even once, not even when I got out.  But you could run off to Florida for 2 weeks and be there for your father-in-law that you’ve known all of 2 years. So stop it!  She is my wife and you need to respect that.  When you cheated on Husband #1 with Husband #2 you wanted everyone to accept and embrace Husband #2.  You demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and we did.  You cheated on Husband #2 with Husband #3 and then demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and once again we did.  So it would be nice if you could do the same. I’ve been with her for 21 years, married for 20; she’s not going anyplace.  I don’t want to have to pick a side but if I do I’m going to choose her and we will have no relationship.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you were so stupid! I now firmly believe he intended to go down to see Harley that weekend.  I suppose it doesn’t really matter because in the end he cheated and was planning to leave.

And if anyone is still confused about what victim morphing is, look no further than my darling STBX sister-in-law. Everything is being done to her. She has done nothing wrong.

 

Trying To Make Sense of the Nonsense

 

March 2015

Let’s see them hack into this!  There is more than one way to skin a cat. At this point I switched over to journaling on my computer.

I’ve been thinking.  A lot.  Mainly about Jezebel and her comment, my favorite, about how he deserves so much better than me.  About my husband’s comment to his other sister, how it’s been 2 years and why can’t we just move on? About that sister and her snide message to me about me worrying about the house and then turning around and booking airline tickets. About being grateful.  About accepting reality.  About moving on. About pain shopping, which dovetails nicely with moving on.

OK, we’ll tackle moving on first.  It’s very difficult to move on when your husband doesn’t do the few basic things you’ve asked for in order to reconcile.  I told him that 1. He needed to send Harley a text and end things with her.  I wanted to see the text to prove that he actually sent it, and he was to have absolutely no contact with her after that. 2. He was to give up all passwords to me and remove the passcode from his phone. 3. We were going to attend marital counseling. 4. He was to never discuss our marital issues with Jezebel again.  What did he do?

Well, instead of sending her a text and ending it, he says he called her and ended it.  That’s nice, but that’s not what I wanted.  I had a purpose behind wanting you to send a text.  I wanted to see it in black and white.  I wanted to see him write:  My wife knows about you.  She gave me an ultimatum.  I choose her.  We’re done.  Don’t contact me ever again.  Did I get that?  No, I got the replay of his supposed phone call to her. And then I got her text which makes it look like he actually chose her and she ended it.  Furthermore, his response to her was based on not wanting to hurt her.  He felt bad for her.  Her- the mistress of 3 1/2 months.  Not me, the wife of almost 19 years.  I got a reply about honor and duty and obligation.  Not love.  Not choice.  Am I supposed to believe him without proof when I vividly recall asking him if she was worth losing his wife and kids, and he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids?  Am I supposed to believe him when he would have sex with me and then turn around and walk out our door and text her good morning and then precede to talk to her on his entire 30 minute drive to work every.fucking.morning?  That is some strong faith, and if I’m not there yet so be it.  I figure I mainly believe him.  I only have doubts some of the time.  It’s been 2 years?  Nah, not really.  We’re coming up on 2 years of your half hearted confession where you couldn’t even admit you were doing something wrong, or that she was your whore.  You tried to make it sound like she was one of many and it was just a little texting.  No, it wasn’t.  It was her, and only her.  And you were telling her you loved her and you were telling other people you loved her and she made you happy and you were going to marry her. On top of that, you two were talking about sex and what all you were going to do to each other, and you were talking about a future together and she was sending you naked pictures.  It’s been 2 years since you tried to confess and pull the wool over my eyes at the same time.  It hasn’t been 2 years since I discovered the truth.  We’re at about 18 months for that.  18 months since I found out the extent of your lies and betrayal.  18 months since you told me you didn’t want to lose your kids.  18 months since you told me you hadn’t been happy in years.  18 months since you admitted that you two talked about sex, and how much you loved each other, and how much you wanted to be together.  18 months since you told me you two really really liked each other. 18 months since I received The Saint’s FB message asking me if I had gotten a good lawyer yet.  And we’re at 16 months since I discovered you bragging to your nephew about marrying her, after insisting to me that you two had no concrete plans.

So that’s part of the not able to move forward movement.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what their plans were.  I don’t know what all they talked about.  I don’t know how far into the planning it got. I don’t know that I was his first choice. I have no proof of that. Again, for all I know he called her up right after he got off the phone with me and told her I knew and I’d issued an ultimatum.  And then he told her she was his soul mate, his one true love, his very best friend, and the love of his life and there was no way he could give her up.  For all I know he told her, “I choose you, Harley!”  And Harley, being the manipulative, deceitful cunt that she is warned him that if I got wind of his choice that I’d probably run.  Maybe she even reminded him that I already had airplane tickets to fly to my home state in 2 days.  “If you want to keep your kids around, then you need to make sure she thinks you chose her.”  And then the good little whore proceeded to tell her husband she was leaving.  And her husband said, “Fine, but you’re not taking the kids.  They’re all disgusted with their whore of a mother.”  That’s when Harley finally realized she and my husband weren’t going to be forming their own version of the Brady Bunch, that there might be bumps in the way, and that the path to true love was not going to be a smooth one.  Maybe her kids gave her a ration of shit.  Maybe the two oldest told her they weren’t going to live with her.  It was at this point she decides it’s just not going to be worth it and that’s when she sends her bleeding heart text to Zack.

Is that really all that crazy?  Why is that version any less believable than the one he told me about?  At least in the second version I have her text ending it. It would be lovely if, instead, I had a text from him ending it.

What else did he do?  Well, he did in fact give me his passwords and take the code off his phone.  And to his credit he did recently offer to have my thumb print be one of the prints that could open his phone.

Marriage counseling?  He went but he didn’t really participate, and our counselor told us that is was pretty much a waste of time after 3 or 4 sessions. If we ever went again I think it would be interesting to hear his side of everything that happened.  It seemed to be mainly me talking because he didn’t much participate. I’ll give him credit for going when he didn’t want to, but I’m not giving him credit for anything else.  He didn’t participate and I don’t think we got much out of it. At this point in time I’m tired and I’m not willing to go again so I guess he’s safe.

And not discussing our marriage difficulties with Jezebel?  We both know that one went completely off the rails.  He performs a fucking Shakespearean soliloquy when he’s telling everyone all my faults and everything I’m doing to him, and I get a fucking one line reprieve when he pulls his head out of his ass.  I know that’s not a kind way to put it, but it pisses me off. And upon looking up how to spell soliloquy that’s not really the best description.  That’s what I perform on a daily basis when I’m raging!

That brings me to another point- the concept of the man in the middle. There is a poster on a board I like to read and she often says that many times you can look to the man in the middle as the source of conflict.  I’ve thought about that a lot and I believe it’s true, even with this.  He throws me under the bus to Jezebel, goes on and on and on about how horrible I am, and then says, “Oh, my bad!”  Is it any wonder she hates me?  He doesn’t tell her the good stuff.  He’s too busy getting his head patted when he’s the poor, oppressed little brother married to the evil, awful wife who uses him as a handyman and a paycheck. Man in the middle.  Have no doubt, I’m still not pleased with her encouraging him to leave me when he was fucking around.  And I’m definitely not pleased with her latest round. But he poured gasoline on the fire, and he did something I told him not to do ever again.

His mom and stepdad are another case in point.  I told him in therapy I didn’t like how Pastor Fake was gushing over Harley’s picture.  It was hurtful.  His attitude was, “I can’t control what he does.”  Then shortly thereafter his mom gets online and tells her she’s sooooooo pretty.  I unfriend them (they were sharing an account at the time) and probably blocked them at the time.  Undoubtedly unfriended them from my daughter as well, and blocked them.  I know she must have asked about it but instead of coming to me and saying, “Hey, what happened?  My mom says she’s blocked on both your and our daughter’s page,” he acts like he can’t control anything.  I keep thinking that if he had only pulled his mom aside in the beginning and said something along the lines of, “I know I created this mess, but if the two of you want to have a relationship with my wife and kids you’re going to have to distance yourself from my mistress.  It is upsetting to my wife to see the two of you acting all chummy with the woman I cheated on her with.  We both know we can’t control you and you can both do exactly as you want.  But I’m here to tell you that there is no way you can have Harley in your lives and have my wife and kids in your lives.  So you’re going to need to make a choice.”  Or even a much shorter, condensed version:  My wife can see you two gushing all over Harley, joking with her, telling her how pretty she is. You know that I cheated on her with Harley; therefore, she has no desire to associate with anyone that wants to be a part of Harley’s life.  It’s that plain and simple. You can have a relationship with my wife, or one with my mistress but you can’t do both. (Believe me, I tried! ba-dum!!!).

I think that’s part of not being able to move on, as well. I think I have made tremendous progress in accepting the fact that his parents will never turn their backs on Harley.  They will always be kind to her.  They will always compliment her.  She will always be around.  And I, in many ways, am forced to accept that. I’m forced to accept the fact that I will never be around for any family events because I don’t know if the whore will be there or not, and I don’t want to be there if she is.  I’m forced to accept (and I know this is morbid) that when his mom dies I’m going to be going through 3 levels of hell.  I’m going to have to deal with Zack and his grief, I’m going to have to deal with his bitch of a sister, and more than likely, his whore will show up. It’s very difficult to move on and forget about her when she is front and center all the time, or at least it feels like that.  She was praying for my husband last month.  Praying for him!  She has a front seat into the window of our lives.  Anything my in-laws post on FB about us, about my kids, that bitch can see. How do you move on from that? How do you move on from your in-laws thinking that your husband’s whore is a swell person?  I keep expecting her to show up at Thanksgiving and for them to offer up the use of their bedroom so he can fuck her.

I read about pain shopping yet again yesterday.  It’s not so much that I want to do that, it’s more I don’t want to be ambushed.  I guess when you don’t feel safe or confident you continue to look over your shoulder.  I don’t know that I was his first choice.  Hell, I don’t even know for certain that he’s not back in contact with her again.  I don’t know that someone won’t throw facts at me, facts of which I have been completely unaware of for over a year, which might result in my own downward spiral. I don’t look on her page that often.  I check every now and then to see if she’s got a new profile picture up.  I occasionally check my in-laws’ pages to see if she’s commenting or liking certain things.  Of course she is!  Good ol’ Harley can’t fade into the background. Oh no!  Look at me!  Look at me!

I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Not knowing the bitch is being welcomed with open arms by all who know about her and Zack doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  And closing my eyes and pretending like as long as I don’t see it everything is ok, is just living in a fairytale.  It does no one any good.  Eventually, you wake up and you discover the truth and you feel betrayed.  I’d just as soon get it out of the way.

I guess what it boils down to is can I accept what happened?  Sure.  I can accept it.  Doesn’t mean I like it.  Just like accepting who my in-laws are.  It hurts me very much knowing they can embrace the woman that almost tore my life apart.  But, I accept that that is who they are. When I am with them I enjoy being with them and I love them.  However, I will never have a close relationship with them again.  I simply cannot do that, not when they are still in contact with Harley and act like she has done nothing wrong. I will never be willing to go out of my way for them again. I don’t call.  I don’t confide.  I let Zack handle it. Honestly, I prefer to keep my distance because I’m afraid I’ll be sucked in if I get too close.

Can I accept the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country to live in this Godforsaken town where I know almost no one?  Sure.  It’s reality.  I can pretend I don’t live here but what good would that do? I can pretend that we can go back to our former state but I know that we can’t.  Whose job is he going to take?  Especially when they just got a new GM and a new PM less than a year ago.  Where will we live?  Are we going to ask the new residents of our home to kindly move out because we’d like our house back?  No. If I’m being perfectly logical most newcomers to the area head over to two up and coming areas.  Our kids wouldn’t be going to school with their old friends; they’d be at a new school.  My daughter could go back to her old gym but she would be competing as a Level 8 once again, more than likely, and all of her former teammates would be 9s.  My son could play hockey again but he’s lost a year and he already started late so he’d be behind as well.  No, we are stuck here, at least for 7 years until they both have graduated from high school.  Then my husband can yank me away from my new life, and at the rate I’m going now that won’t be a bad thing. I’m so tired of hearing, “You need to get out there and meet people!  Volunteer! Take classes!”  Um, I’d love to meet people but that’s a little difficult when you’re 46 and not in school and don’t have a job. There are no classes to take. Quite honestly, I’m sick and tired of being the new person.  And volunteering?  Where would you suggest I volunteer?  The PTA?  They don’t seem to have many opportunities.  I’m supposed to go tonight for an after prom meeting where I will know no one and the woman in charge is going to ask me to solicit donations, which is something I absolutely hate to do. HATE IT! This gets me thinking that if everything PTA does needs to be funded with business donations I want no part in it. Oh, I also found out that I was sent an email to see if I wanted to volunteer at the book fair for the middle school.  It went to my junk mail and I didn’t get it until after the book fair was over. Lovely. I could go to a PTA meeting but again, I’m tired of putting myself out there.  I’m tired of being the new person.  I’m 46, for crying out loud!  My life should be settled.  I shouldn’t be scurrying around trying to find a whole new set of friends.

I tell myself to think back on all of our other moves.  OB was easy.  I had just turned 29 when we made the move. We went out with all of his co-workers.  And from that I became friends with some locals and they introduced us to other people. In the next state I started out by participating in an online group.  I got very lucky and those people met weekly.  I put myself out there and I joined their group. Gradually, other people joined in as well. Then, right before my daughter turned 2 I started going to church; when my son was an infant I volunteered to help in the nursery. A few months later I became a team leader in the nursery.  Gradually I did more. I became a small group leader.  I joined the meal team. I think when my son was around a year I joined MOPS.  I became part of the hospitality team with them.  I started a MOPS group at our church. I was there 6 years and it was gradual, but my calendar filled in.  Plus, it helped that I had family only 2 hours away. I think I found my online friends within the first 6-8 months. I was 31 when we moved back to State #2, just under 2 months before my 31st birthday. We moved a few months before I turned 38. In State #4 I think it began after I volunteered to join PTA.  It was about 5-6 months later.  The following year my daughter was competing so I made some friends that way. PTA just became a huge thing for me.  I met a ton of people that way.  And I met some people through my kids.  This time it just doesn’t seem as easy. I was 45 this time when I left. I’ve been here coming up on 8 months.  They have been the longest, loneliest 8 months of my life, I think. I don’t have online friends.  I don’t have a church. I don’t have PTA; it’s pretty much non-existent.  I certainly don’t have MOPS. My daughter competes alone most of the time. This next meet all of the girls meet together.  But here’s the thing:  most of the girls are young, like 10-11.  Their moms are young.  I don’t want to hang out with them.  I don’t need to be overrun with 30 somethings while I’m nearing death. I do have some parents I can sit with at the high school meets.  That’s nice.  But that’s it.  I know a few people on sight.  I’m still shocked when I run into someone I know at the grocery store because it happens so infrequently. I am grateful for the outpouring of support from the few people I do know when Zack was in the hospital.  Our neighbor called and offered to help with whatever we may need.  S offered to take my daughter to gymnastics.  C prayed for us and checked in on us, offering to run errands or bring a meal.  D took my daughter to gymnastics and grabbed food for both of my kids.  I felt very fortunate to have that help and those offers.

So, this is my reality.  I’m far from family.  I’m far from friends.  I’m not fitting in or finding a niche.  I really really hate it here.  I’ve booked tickets for me and Rock Star to go see the state gymnastics meet back in our former state at the end of the month.  I’m looking forward to that.  Can’t wait to be around friends again. Can’t wait to see all those cute little gymnasts that I get to cheer on for the first time this year.  I’ve missed this.

I’ll save Jezebel’s asinine comment about him deserving something better for later.

Discarded

Have you ever listened to a song and had it take your breath away?  I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately. The why is neither here nor there. Most of the music is old- 80s and 90s.

I was listening to Patty Loveless and her song “How Can I Help You Say Good-bye?”  I knew there was the verse in there about the husband and wife divorcing but I didn’t think anything about it because the final verse where she’s saying goodbye to her mom is the one that always guts me. And then I heard it…

I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase

I held a picture of our wedding day

His hands were trembling, we both were crying

He kissed me gently and then he quickly turned away

Normally, I don’t think about this too much but for some reason that day it suddenly struck me: I wasn’t even worth that much. There were no tender moments (I realize I would have attempted homicide had he tried). There was no crying between two people who had been married for years. There was no reminiscing, no fake displays of sentimentality. I was simply discarded. He got in his car, drove to work, and then after work drove 7 hours to his new home and his life. Out with the old; in with the new and whore-ish.

Even more recently I was listening to Patty again. I was in a very good mood. And then I listened to “Hurt Me Bad”. It’s supposed to be a positive song.

Would have never found you

If he had wanted to stay

Oh he hurt me bad in a real good way

See?  A positive song about the good that can come out of a broken relationship. Finding a new, better relationship. Or not. But then came the line…

When I look back on my life before

How my heart got shattered

with a slammin’ door….

The words literally took my breath away and I gasped for air. Because again, there was no slamming door. He slunk out like a yellow-bellied coward. I was nothing. Not a single thought. No fights. No yelling. No slamming doors. Just gradually pack up your shit and drive away while I’m out of the house. No confrontation. No explanation. I wasn’t worth an explanation or a goodbye.

Most days I have made my peace with it. Most days I truly don’t care and I’m thankful he’s out of my life. As one of my dear, dear friends put it: CF was a bottomless pit who needed you to fill that and it wasn’t your job to make him happy.

But on these two occasions it struck me how I was completely and totally discarded without a single backwards glance. I spent twenty years with this person. I followed him around the country. I gave up life after life. I did whatever he wanted. I tried to be whatever it was he wanted. In the end it was never enough and he callously tossed me aside for his whore of a cousin.

As if that’s not enough he callously discarded me and now wants to continue to ruin me. He’s cost us our house, our new life, and pretty much everything I’ve ever owned. He’s left us destitute and still refuses to pay support even though he’s working once again. He’s trying to get out of this marriage with everything, leaving me with nothing.

Someone said to me recently: He really broke your heart when he walked out, didn’t he? No, he really didn’t, was my response. He pissed me off. And that is how I usually think of it. He pissed me off. He fucked with my life. He made a fool of me. He played me. He lied to me.

However, there are times it does hurt. It’s those times when I allow myself to feel the extent of  what he did. It’s those times that I wonder how people ever learn to trust in new relationships. I mean I realize that they do. You can’t swing a cat without hitting someone who has been dumped and is now in a new relationship. But then I’m left to wonder if that new person will wake up one day and see what CF saw. I wonder if that new person will see the shortcomings and the faults the way that CF did and decide I’m not worth it. And once again someone will slink out the door without saying a word. Of course that would be quite the feat seeing as how I won’t live with anyone again.

I should probably listen to better, more upbeat music, huh? The good news is I don’t often feel this way. Usually I’ve got my shit together. I know he’s the problem, not me. I know it’s not normal to discard people. I know that what he did was wrong and no reflection on me. But some days… well, some days the sheer cruelty of what he did manages to take my breath away.

What He Should Have Said

December 2014

Still having a hard time wrapping my mind around my anniversary and my husband’s conversation with his sister. And can I preface this by saying when I’m actually with my husband and we’re spending time together I’m fine. It’s when I have lots of free time to think and dwell on all of this that I become enraged. And let’s face it: I have lots and lots of free time because I moved 2000 miles away from all of my friends and everything I was involved in to support him in gallivanting around the country in order to grab his dream job. So I have no friends and nothing to keep me busy, and therefore lots of time to think bad thoughts about all of this.

My first thought is this: Does he ever get tired of throwing me under the bus? I mean, ffs, he spent God only knows how long telling his sister how miserable he was with me; then he spent considerable time telling her how happy he was with his lying little slut and how he loved her. I think I got a one sentence reprieve the day he supposedly ended it with the whore: I’m going to work things out with my wife. Wow- no, “I’m madly in love with her and she’s the one I’ve always wanted,” or “I can’t believe what a jackass I was and how I almost threw away the love of my life for a lying, manipulative whore!” No, just a short sentence letting her know he was going to do the righteous thing and wait out his sentence with me. And when she whines about me to him he immediately begs her forgiveness and says he never should have tried to be happy. How so, my darling husband? Do you mean you realize Harley the Whore is your true soul mate and you’re simply destined to a life of misery with me but you never should have fought it and attempted to be happy with her? You should have just accepted a miserable life with me? Do you mean that you’re not happy with me, have never been happy with me and realize you’ll never be happy with me and you’re accepting that? Let’s think about this for a moment. You told your sister you felt like nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman, and that we lived like roommates. You then told her you were having an affair with Harley, you loved her and she made you happy, and you wanted to marry her. Jezebel, of course, is completely on board with this and vows to give you her unconditional support. Then you abruptly end things with the soul mate and tell her you’re working things out with me. No fanfare. Just a simple statement. And now you are once again implying you are unhappy. Because I don’t make you happy like your little whore that sent you naked pictures and told you how she’d suck your dick every day once you left me? Baby Jesus wept! Do you really think that’s the impression you want to give to your pro infidelity sister? Not to mention I was very clear that you were not to discuss any martial problems with her. While I realize we’re not having problems you are certainly making it seem that way to the patron saint of infidelity.

Here’s an idea. Instead of telling her you’re so sorry for ruining her relationship with me and how you never should have tried to be happy maybe you should have gone with something like: I’m sorry I ruined your relationship with her. If I hadn’t been a dumbass, willing to toss aside my wife and kids for a deceitful, manipulative whore who promised me mind blowing sex and sent me naked pictures, you would never have been in this situation. But I did, and you, Jezebel, were my biggest supporter. You were fully on board with me cheating and leaving my wife. You told me the only thing that mattered was what made me happy because I deserved it. My wife knows the part you played and no, she’s not happy. But if you’re going to be mad at anyone be mad at me. Hell, if you’re honest with yourself it’s not as though I had to beg you to support me. You were there immediately; you jumped in with both feet, no questions asked. You never once thought of my wife and what this might do to her. Never once thought of my kids and what a divorce might do to them. I do realize that wasn’t your responsibility; it was mine. But let’s not rewrite history and act like you were forced, kicking and screaming, to support me. I’m sure you thought I’d leave her and marry Harley. Sorry to disappoint you and leave you with egg on your face. I came to my senses.

And let me tell you another thing. If you want to bitch about my wife you bitch to someone else because I have her back. I’m going to support her like she’s supported me these last 20 years. She’s been by my side, cheering me on, believing in me, when no one else was around. She’s moved all over the country with me; she’s left her family behind. She’s held our family together and raised our kids when I’ve checked out. She could have left me when she found out but she chose to swallow her pride and work on this together. She took responsibility for her own failures in our relationship even when I half heartedly confessed back in May. The Saint told her the truth about us and how we had been lying to her for months, the day of our daughter’s birthday party, 6 days after her stepfather died, and 2 days before she had to get on a plane and be there for her mother. She put a smile on her face and made sure our kid had an amazing day even though she was dying inside, thinking I was going to leave her, that I was going to choose Harley. And then she got on that plane and she went to be with her mother and her family and she kept my dirty little secret, never telling any of them. Do you have any idea how difficult that was? She’s getting shit from her family for constantly being on the phone with me because I’m falling apart and we’re trying to work things out, and she never tells them what’s really going on. She just continued to try to balance us both. I don’t ever have to be around her family wondering if they hate me for what I’ve done because they don’t know. I don’t ever have to worry about things being awkward and them holding it against me because she protected me and kept it to herself. She, on the other hand, has to be around everyone in our family who knows what I did. She has to wonder if they think she’s stupid for staying, if they blame her for being a shitty wife because, let’s face it, I wouldn’t have strayed if she’d been a better wife. She has to contend with the fact that all of you continue to have a relationship with the woman with whom I cheated on her. She didn’t want to go to home with me this Christmas and face humiliation but she did it because she loves me and she loves her kids and she knew how important it was to us, especially to me. She sucked it up and faced everyone who knows I’ve cheated on her. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but she did it. For me.

She’s been there for me when I’ve been practically catatonic. She’s been there through all my anxiety issues. She’s begged me to get help. She’s made appointments for me, attended appointments with me, encouraged me, and patiently waited for me to want to get better because she knows she can’t do it for me. She’s put up with me opting out of family outings, never going with her, never wanting to show her affection, kicking her out of our bed for almost 8 years, never wanting to go out with friends, not helping out with the kids. She puts up with me when I’m feeling sorry for myself. She ate the show lettuce at a company dinner because I did and she didn’t want me to look stupid. She’s my rock when I’m falling apart. She’s there day after day supporting me, cheering me on, comforting me. Where are you? You got married and you no longer needed me, couldn’t be bothered to text anymore. I spent $500 to fly to your wedding because it was so important to you that I be there and you barely spent 5 minutes with me that entire weekend. I almost missed the damn thing because you sent me out for a liquor run. I’m in none of the pictures and if she’s being honest my wife to this day doesn’t fully believe I was there instead of with Harley. My wife gave up all of her friends, everything she was involved in and moved 2000 miles across the country for me, so I could take my dream job. And she hates it. She’s miserable but she doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want me to feel guilty. You, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to drive 10 minutes to have a cup of coffee with me the last time I flew home. And that was on my own dime, not the company’s. I tell you I’m worried about my brother who is in critical condition and I get a one sentence reply from you hours later. And yet you still try to turn and twist it like anything that is wrong between us is due to my wife. She’s not the problem, Jezebel. You are. Don’t ever bitch about her to me, expecting me to take your side, because I won’t. She’s my wife. I love her. She is the love of my life, my partner, the mother of my children. She is the one that has held our family together. I have learned things about her and all that she does to make our lives better and more comfortable and I am in complete awe of her. I can’t imagine my life without her and I am so extremely grateful she gave me another chance instead of kicking me out and divorcing me. So bitch all you want but don’t do it around me. If I have to choose between my wife and my sister I will choose my wife every time.

Now THAT would be what I consider having my back. I wish one day he’d do that for me instead of always taking everyone else’s side. He did it for Jezebel. He did it for Harley. When that little whore came sniffing around, whining about not being able to do this anymore, he let her. He didn’t stand up for me. He was more concerned with her and her feelings. He felt sorry for her because “he’d led her on”. Oh please. Maybe you should have been a little more concerned about me because you FUCKING CHEATED ON ME! I think making it up to your wife is just a little more important than looking out for your whore’s fee fees. Obviously he doesn’t feel that way.

What NOT To Do When You (Try To) Reconcile

I’m not sure how much information I have to offer.  I tried reconciliation the first go round.  I actually thought we had achieved that.  Apparently I was mistaken.

Choosing to reconcile or to divorce is a very personal decision.  I don’t attempt to sway anyone in either direction, but I will try to offer some helpful tips on what not to do if you’d like it to be successful (and even these things might not be enough).

  1. Don’t let the cheater give you a list of things to do so that you may improve.  I think that’s probably my biggest tip.  I made it too easy on my cheater, my little shit eating chimp.  Way too easy.  He felt no shame in asking for various changes on my part. He felt quite comfortable telling me how he wanted me to text him all the time- like she did. Send me pictures- like she did.  Come sit outside and watch me as I mow the lawn.  Maybe bring me something cool to drink- like she said she would.  Come sit beside me.  Just touch me when you pass me by.  Text me just to say hi- like she did.  Did I have a list for him?  Of course not!  I was just so thankful to get another chance at making my marriage work it never occurred to me to give him his own list.  I’m sure that if I had given him a list I would have heard the same thing I always did:  That’s just the way I am.  Having been through this already I can tell you that you shouldn’t be the one doing all the work.  The cheater is the one who should be winning you back, not the other way around.  Don’t fall into that trap.  If the cheater is trying to get you to win him/her back, giving you a list of things to improve so that he/she is not tempted to cheat again, or trying to convince you that this is all your fault while conveniently refusing to take responsibility for any of this mess then chances are this is not going to be a successful reconciliation.
  2. Don’t let go of your anger too soon.  That’s another one of those things I did.  Again, you want so badly for everything to go back to the way it was.  Everyone tells you to get over it or to not be bitter.  Everyone wants to preach about forgiveness.  Let me tell you- I can hold a grudge like no one’s business.  I’m good at it.  But hating someone takes absolutely no time or effort on my part whatsoever.  I’ve always said that if holding a grudge takes a lot out of you then you’re not doing it right.  My philosophy for long term grudges is this:  I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.  But then again I’m not going to seek you out to see if you are on fire, nor am I going to try to burn you alive. The popular opinion seems to be you should forgive someone who has wronged you for your own benefit.  Screw that!  Jesus might forgive Cousinfucker and Harley but I sure as hell don’t have to!  They can kiss my ass.  And here’s the thing.  If your cheater really loves you and wants to make things right with you then he or she will take your anger.  They will realize they deserve your anger and will rightfully ride out the storm instead of whining about how mean you are and how sad they are feeling because you won’t let them off the hook.
  3. Don’t let the cheater tell you to “focus on the future” or try to make you feel guilty if you are still angry or get triggered by things.  Focusing on the future just meant my shit eating chimp didn’t have to face his shitty behavior.  Let’s not focus on the fact that I lied and cheated and deceived; let’s focus on the future.  How well do you think that would go over if I took his whole pay check and spent it on a Disney cruise?  “Baby, let’s not dwell on the fact that we don’t have money to pay the mortgage or the utilities; let’s focus on the future!  We’re going to have so much fun on that cruise!”  Cheaters want to change the narrative.  Don’t let them.  Let them know you need to fix the problems from the past before you start focusing on the future.
  4. Don’t operate from a position of fear.  I know it’s scary.  I know change is hard.  I know no one gets married thinking, “Wow, I’d really like to be married for about 20 years and then get a divorce and start my life completely over.”  Unfortunately you’re going to have to confront all of this shit head on.  You cannot operate from a position of fear.  You need to feel like you are in charge.  If your cheater insists he or she is in charge then you should probably dump their ass and move on.
  5. Don’t let them get away with not sticking up for you.  Another big one that I was guilty of.  I believe I’ve said before that Cousinfucker never stuck up for me.  I told him almost immediately that it was very painful to watch as people in his family continued to fawn over that white trash whore.  His response was that he couldn’t control them; they were adults. His mom would act confused about why we were no longer close and his reaction was to act equally bewildered.   What he should have done was confronted the issue.  Hell, the first time any of them liked Harley’s pictures or complimented her after they learned of his affair he should have put his foot down.  Fuck this idea that they are grown people and he can’t control them!  It’s not about controlling them, CF.  It’s about sticking up for your wife and letting them know that if they are going to continue to have a relationship with your whore that you will no longer be able to have a relationship with them.  If your cheater can’t put you first then you are doomed.
  6. Don’t believe in coincidences.  The list I have is fairly long.  The first time around it was solely the fact that once he returned from a visit to find her picture put up all over the house I was mysteriously blocked on Facebook.  Naturally he knew nothing about that.  That was all between her and I.  This time around there was the refusal to take either of the kids the first time he was going to “visit his mom”.  I have no idea if he was truly going to visit her, or if this was going to be the first time he went to see Harley, but either way he didn’t want the kids to accompany him.  There was also Harley liking his mom’s post about having a handsome son (one of those annoying “Share if you Agree” posts), liking her post when she asked for prayers for him, liking his picture on his sister’s page, and suddenly developing a desire to advocate for vets with PTSD.  Finally there was his staunch refusal to take our daughter to a funeral with him and the fact he was sleeping with his phone. All huge red flags.  And all things I refused to see as such.  Don’t dismiss those red flags as coincidences!
  7. Don’t be afraid to confront the cheater.  That was a biggie for me.  I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I didn’t want to bring things up again.  I should have.  I should have questioned and raged and made his life a living hell.
  8. If you have a list of things your cheater needs to do in order to stay married to you stick to it!  This is another area where I went wrong.  My list was fairly small and straight forward:  Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact, give me the passwords to all electronic communication, get the passcode off your phone, attend marital counseling, let me know if she ever makes contact with you, stop discussing our marital problems with your sister.  I also let him know that this was not going to be an overnight thing; it would take time to rebuild.  Yeah, right.  See #2 and #3.  The big baby was frustrated within a month after DDay if I asked questions or had a bad day.  Bad sign!  That meant he wasn’t willing to do the work. Get rid of the whore/maintain no contact?  Hmmmm….. he was supposed to send a text letting her know it was over.  Instead he called her.  I didn’t want a phone call; I can’t *see* a phone call.  Instead, what he sent as proof that is was over was her text to him, telling him how she couldn’t do this anymore.  It just wasn’t right; it was killing her to hurt her husband and children.  She begged him not to call or contact her ever again.  And my little shit eating chimp replied that her husband was right to tell me what was going on and gosh darn it he was going to be the father and husband and man he needed to be!  It was disgusting.  I never once got the satisfaction of actually seeing in black and white the words:  We’re done.  I choose my wife.  Get out of my life.  Nope, I got to read about honor and duty and sacrifice.  Let me tell you- that really warms a girl’s heart and doesn’t leave you feeling insecure at all!  As for no contact or telling me if she ever makes contact again… yeah, we all know that didn’t happen or this blog wouldn’t exist.  He did give me the passwords and got rid of the passcode on his phone, even offered to put my thumb print in on his phone when his company supposedly ordered them all to password protect their phones.  But then he began sleeping with his phone.  Plus he had already deleted Facebook when I tried to download the archive history.  Said Facebook made him feel bad about himself but I figure he was just afraid I would find something he didn’t want me finding.  Marital counseling was a joke.  He went but didn’t really participate and as I believe I mentioned before he was expecting it to be all about “focusing on the future”.  And finally he went all passive aggressive with the whole “do not discuss our marital problems with your sister who encouraged your affair”.  That obviously meant I didn’t want him to have a relationship with her so he was just going to cut her off altogether.  Except he didn’t because then how could he moan and whine to her about how I hated him?  Not only did he break our agreement he flat out lied about what was going on.  Double betrayal.
  9. Don’t accept being second best.  Don’t accept your cheater putting the whore’s feelings, comfort and safety above your own.  If she’s still his main concern you and your marriage are in trouble.  When I look back now I’m appalled at how much I put up with.  As I said above about the text… Her with her:  Oh, Cousinfucker, I just can’t do this anymore.  It isn’t right.  I can’t stand hurting my kids, hurting the one man who has stood by my side through good and bad.  We just can’t break up two families who have done nothing wrong.  Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Please, I’m begging you, don’t contact me- don’t call or text.  I’m deactivating FB. And him with his:  You are so right!  We can’t do this to our families.  I’m going to do my best to be a better husband, a better father, a better man. Don’t contact me either.  PUKE!  This came on the heels of our conversation where I asked him point blank if she was worth losing his wife and kids and he replied that he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  He was actually very honest about the fact that he told her from the very beginning that he would never leave his kids.  Apparently, he has rethought that, or maybe having them 20+ hours away wasn’t acceptable but being 6-8 hours away is ok.  I digress.  For all I know he had no intentions of ending it with her.  Maybe he called her and told her, “Hey, baby, the coast is clear!  My wife knows so now we can be together!”  Maybe she then realized it wasn’t going to be that simple.  Maybe he really did think he couldn’t liquidate his assets and move on out with her.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that none of that was what I wanted.  I wanted to hear him tell me he was sorry.  I wanted to hear that I was the one.  It wasn’t until after I told him that I deserved to be happy, too, (this was still before the lame ass texts he showed me) that he finally realized he might lose me and that he might need to up his game.  I will say that in our many conversations he did tell me that I was the one he wanted; she was a mistake, a midlife crisis, a cliche.  But those first two things that occurred?  Those colored my entire so-called “recovery”.  I always wondered if I was the second choice.  I think that if you really are going to reconcile that there should be no doubt that you are the FIRST choice, the ONLY choice.  A few days after DDay I told him I wrote back to her husband, letting him know that CF had deleted all the naked pictures his wife had sent to mine.  CF was crying I believe and begged me to leave her alone and just concentrate on us and our family.  “Let them heal and deal with all of their stuff, while we do the same!”  Oh, boo hoo.  I remember hissing at him, “Do not beg for mercy for your whore!”  Again, lots of concern for the whore.  Not quite so much concern for the wife.  That is a no-no.  I don’t want to portray it as though he never tried to prove I was the one he wanted.  We went out on dates.  We spent a weekend away.  He told me how much he loved me and did at times say Harley was a huge mistake and she wasn’t the one he wanted; she was simply a cheap substitute for me.  In the end, though, those things he said in the beginning wouldn’t go away.  They always left me insecure.  His talk of happiness was always a huge trigger for me as well because he admitted that he had told his sister that Harley made him happy.  I felt like she could do something I couldn’t no matter how much I had tried for years and years.  Maybe if we had talked about these issues a little bit more instead of trying to bury them and “focus on the future” something good could have come out of it.  But that’s not what happened.  Don’t do what I did!  Don’t accept being second best.
  10. Don’t accept this idea that your spouse needs to grieve the loss of their co-cheater.  This is not something that I personally dealt with much but I think it’s important.   About a month after DDay Cousinfucker was visiting his mom (by himself, of course) and I was questioning him.  I asked if he missed Harley and he admitted that he did sometimes; however, he went on to say that he didn’t think it was her that he missed so much as it was what she represented and the fact that she filled him in on things that were happening with that side of the family.  Yet another unacceptable answer.  It should have been:  Of course not!  She was a huge mistake and almost cost me my marriage.  I don’t even think about her anymore. At the time I was busy reading reconciliation websites and blogs; common wisdom seems to be  that this is natural, that your cheater has had an intense relationship with this person.  I’ve read blogs by cheating men where they are lamenting the loss of their whore.  I’ve read them by women justifying their affairs with their man-whores.  They seem to always think that by saying they were in love that excuses their treacherous behavior.  I’m not speaking of it excusing the affair.  They seem to think their “love” excuses the continued wistful thinking of the co-cheater.  It doesn’t.  The last thing any betrayed wife wants to hear is how her husband truly loved the woman he was fucking behind her back, and because of that, please be patient with the poor guy because he’s really really sad.  For any men that may be reading this please substitute the correct nouns and pronouns.  Yeah, if your spouse is still grieving the whore things are not looking good.  It’s not natural.  If you feel guilty about what you’ve done you don’t have time to miss the person who is inducing that guilt.  You are far too busy trying to make up for your misdeeds
  11. DON’T MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY SO THAT YOU’RE CLOSER TO THE WHORE!  That’s a biggie!  If the cheater is suggesting a move further away from the whore- you may possibly be safe.  But don’t agree to a move that will put you closer to the whore.  That was my big mistake.  I was way too confident and trusted my shit eating chimp way too soon.  He wasn’t worthy of all that trust.

I’m sure there are undoubtedly more things that should appear on this list but this is all I’ve got for you today.  There are many things I wish I could have done differently but this list highlights the main things I would have changed.  I needed the anger.  I should have confronted him, questioned all those coincidences, and made him stick up for me.  I suppose that would have entailed being very explicit with what I needed him to do.  I should NEVER have allowed him to railroad me into dancing for him.  He should have been dancing for me.  And it goes without saying that moving across the country closer to Harley was an undeniably stupid move.  But you know what?  Even that I won’t allow the blame to be placed on me.  I was a good wife.  I trusted him.  I put his feelings and his wants and desires ahead of mine all the time.  You are SUPPOSED to trust your spouse.  It is NOT my fault that he wasn’t worthy of my trust.  Or me.