Bullshit To Be Refuted

I have a board on Pinterest where I collect quotes about unfaithful husbands and lying whoring mistresses. Strangely enough, or perhaps not so strangely, mistresses have their own quotes as well, justifying their bad behavior.

I thought I’d take a stab at refuting some of this bullshit.

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This is the biggest load of shit! Listen you dumbass, people don’t cheat because they’re not getting enough attention. They cheat because they feel entitled to cheat! Cheating is not a relationship problem which is how everyone prefers to frame it. It is a character problem. Cheaters have poor character. They have poor impulse control. They are entitled little babies who whine and whine when they don’t get their way.

If you’re not getting enough attention then use your words! And if you’re sleeping with a married man or woman and use the above to justify your behavior? You better remind yourself to always give that person plenty of attention. When you can’t keep up with the endless chasm that is their neediness they’ll replace you, too. You are not special.

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Silly whore… if our marriage was really as bad as he lied and said it was he should have manned up and divorced me. But since this bullshit makes you feel better about fucking another woman’s husband go ahead and keep telling yourself our marriage was over or beyond fixing.

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OK, this card obviously wasn’t one the other women embraced. And it says what I said above much more concisely.

The next three are in the same vein, refuting the ridiculous excuses that the other woman comes up with to justify her behavior. If I ever find any of this crap from an other man I’ll let you know.

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Oh yeah! You can never get tired of hearing how the wife drove him to cheat, or how she’s a shrew, is abusive, refuses to have sex, spends all his money, treats him like shit… Funny story: One mistress was told by her lying cheater that he and his wife never had sex anymore. Imagine her surprise when the wife became pregnant. I can’t believe he lied to her!

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Oh silly e-card, whores can and do try to justify it. The wife had it coming. She didn’t understand him. She didn’t treat him right. Their marriage was over. It’s okay to fuck a married man as long as he tells you he’s unhappy.

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Bingo! I guess that makes too much sense and might actually involve consequences. Cheaters aren’t big on consequences.

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Just a little disclaimer before I begin… I got this off of Pinterest so none of the names that appear are people I know.

Yeah, I’m really worried about what you are to him. As far as my children go? You are nothing to them. Oh wait! I take that back. You are the ugly, troll faced whore that their father abandoned them for. You’re the dumb bitch that thought announcing on Facebook how lonely you were when your married lover was no longer sharing your bed was a good idea. You’re the horrible person who turned around and blocked my daughter when you realized she could see right through your bullshit. You are nothing more than an evil bitch who has destroyed their lives and taken everything from them.

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I think you’ve got this backwards. Whores don’t get respect. You being the wife of my kid’s father is not something that I need to respect. And honestly? You started fucking my husband while we were still married; you’ve never shown any respect for me.

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I chose this one to refute because I am prettier and better than Harley. I also believe I will be alone for the rest of my life, especially considering I have no interest in dating.

Being alone doesn’t mean you’re less than just like being a pair of lying cheaters who are hooked up doesn’t mean you are more than. I think one of the biggest problems most people have is they bounce from relationship to relationship. They consider a new relationship to be the pinnacle of happiness and they never learn to be happy on their own. It’s funny because those are the people that are doomed to repeat history.

I may never have another serious relationship but I can assure everyone that I am definitely better than Harley the Whore. I don’t fuck married men. That automatically puts me ahead of her.

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Fuck. You. When I got married I changed my name. That became my name. He did not loan it to me. It is mine. In my case I am intending on going back to my maiden name because I don’t want to be associated with his stupid ass; however, if I ultimately end up choosing to keep MY current last name that is my prerogative. I do have two children with that exact same last name currently and I’m sure that many women continue using their married name because it’s easier when you have kids.

Oh, these next few are fun!

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Harley is not an upgrade. No woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man is an upgrade. Ever. I don’t care what she looks like, how much money she makes, how great she is in bed. She will always be a downgrade.

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I’m not sure how the crazy bitch connects these dots. Aren’t they pretty much one and the same? I mean, if he leaves for some skank ass ho didn’t he choose her? I would also imagine that if he was willing to give up his wife for a skank ass ho then he doesn’t want his wife back. So the wife could hate the skank ass ho because her husband left her for SAH and hate her because he doesn’t want the wife back. But it’s almost impossible to hate skank ass ho because the husband doesn’t want her back without also hating her because he left her. Crazy bitch is also dumb apparently.

P.S. My guess is the wife doesn’t want him back. I know I sure as hell don’t want Cousinfucker back. Harley can gloat all she’d like because she doesn’t have a damn thing I want.

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So much for the loving stepmom and caring friend! Now we get to the heart of the matter. Kiss step mommy’s ass because she supplies Daddy with the pussy. If Daddy ever has to choose between pussy and his kids guess who he’s choosing???? Yep, that’s right- pussy wins every time!

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Oh whore, have you never heard of entitled cake eating fuckwits? They like a pussy smorgasbord. You are not special. He’s not with you because he doesn’t want his wife. He’s with you because you provide him with a piece of strange. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn’t still be with his wife. There! Now consider yourself clued in. Of course, you’re such a stupid, desperate bitch you’ll never believe it.

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Wow! Classy all around. Plus proper grammar. It’s your friend.

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Obviously I have never experienced this kind of loyalty from my in-laws but I have heard of it in other cases. Here’s the thing mistresses and subsequent wives: You can control your husband in most cases by throwing fits and making demands. You don’t, however, get to control his family. If they choose to continue a relationship with a long time member of their family then that is their choice. Just because your soul mate tossed her aside doesn’t mean that everyone in his family now must toss her aside as well. Hopefully you’re not fucking the rest of his family so they don’t really care what you think and you certainly don’t get to tell them what to do.

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It’s not funny. It’s reality. When we love someone we overlook a lot. We make excuses. We justify behavior. When that relationship is over and the mask is finally off we have no more need to convince ourselves that the frog is actually Prince Charming.

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Again, no whore is ever an upgrade. And if this isn’t a whore turned wife-tress situation, what self respecting woman looks at herself as an upgrade from another woman? Seriously- how old are you?

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Oh dear God! Do these narcissistic nitwits ever stop with this nonsense? No, when you fuck another woman’s husband YOU ARE A BAD PERSON! You can tell yourself you’re “better”. You can convince yourself that she deserved it. You can call each other soul mates and speak of destiny and fate. The reality is you are a horrible person.

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Yeah, no. They are not equal comparisons. In my case, when I forgave him, I had over 18 years invested with him. She had 3 months. We were not on equal footing. I had a home, children, pets, and an entire life with him. She had promises and future plans. She encroached on MY life. I didn’t encroach on hers. You don’t get to draw parallels between the woman who knowingly inserts herself into someone else’s relationship and the woman who is fighting to keep her family together and to save her marriage.

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Again, no comparison. While I think I would definitely err on the side of dumping his pathetic cheating ass now I can’t and won’t fault any woman who wants to fight for her marriage. No, the side piece of a few months does not get the same kind of recognition as the wife of many years.

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Another parallel that I hate. I have a theory. When you choose to reconcile your anger and hatred needs to go somewhere. She is a safe target for that hatred. Plus, chances are she’s never going to actually experience your wrath. Hell, Harley has remained unscathed completely through both affairs with my husband.

It’s difficult to claim you love someone while at the same time screaming at them and spewing out vile words. I also think that in cases where real reconciliation can take place that those venomous words do fly. It’s when you subconsciously realize that the cheater won’t ever be able to take it that you temper your words. So, the other woman becomes an easy target.

I’ll also say that the relationships are different. The other woman is often nobody to the wife. Maybe she knows her, but it’s generally in passing. She’s a work colleague. She’s somebody he knows from the bar or soccer or the co-ed softball team and the wife knows of her, maybe has met her once or twice, but they don’t hang out. They aren’t friends. She doesn’t usually go out of her way to apologize for her behavior. She’s nobody to the wife except the bitch that fucked her husband and isn’t one bit sorry about it.

On the other hand, the husband lives with her. Maybe he’s apologized. Maybe he’s agonizing over what he’s put her through. He’s taken the brunt of her anger. He’s listened to her and she’s yelled and screamed. And at the end of the day she lives with him. Perhaps even still loves him.

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That’s so profound. Golly, now that I know he CHOSE to wreck our home with Harley I’ll no longer call her a home wrecker. Because…. why exactly? Is the point supposed to be that if he chose to fuck around with her she must be something special? We all know that’s not true. Just more bullshit from cheaters and their whores.

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Yes, because divorce means never having to pay child support. These really piss me off. I’m working my ass off and I’m still barely making enough money to pay for everything that needs to be paid for. I’m entitled to child support. You don’t get to go off and fuck someone else and then just stop providing for your children because you’ve decided you want a new life.

Even when I wasn’t “working” I was still raising children. I was still paying bills. I was still doing things. I was still there for my kids. If I could make it work on what I received from child and spousal support without working outside of the home then so be it.

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How charming! Yes, keep hitting them while they’re down. As for me I prefer: The worst day without my lying cheating shit eating chimp is still better than the best day with him.

 

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Three more examples of bullshit. Again, how old are these women? I’m thinking with the way they act they are much too young to be getting married! The ex-wife must be pyscho, ugly, a bad mom, fat, and bad in bed? Oh of course! Because your soul mate would never cheat simply because he’s a lying cheater! It must be because of all the ex’s faults! And the new vagina is always an upgrade. Because nothing says classy like referring to yourself as the upgrade or snarking about how the betrayed spouse obviously had nothing to offer to a good man. Hey, little tip: Good men don’t cheat.

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Now we’re back to: I didn’t leave for the affair partner. Honey, if he’s still married while he’s fucking you you are indeed a cheating whore. You’re welcome!

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She’s a manipulative, lying, gold digging whore who has ripped apart their lives… oh but sorry, I don’t often even speak of her, much less badmouth her to my kids.

And that concludes bullshit that must be refuted.

I Didn’t Leave You For the Other Person

That’s one of those phrases I despise. “I didn’t leave for my affair partner. He/she just gave me the motivation I needed to leave.” It’s right up there with, “There were already problems in the marriage,” and “I haven’t been happy,” to justify bad behavior.

Jezebel was fond of using that excuse. Cousinfucker used it as well. To be fair, I don’t think he actually said he didn’t leave me for the whore. He just made sure to let our son know that we had many problems and weren’t happy and so that justified him having a girlfriend. And a wife!

You know why this pisses me off so much? One, because it’s a lie. If you’re fucking someone else and you’re married you’re having an affair. It doesn’t matter one little tiny bit how unhappy you are/were, whether or not you had talked about getting a divorce/therapy/support dog, or if the marriage itself had multiple problems stemming back to the Civil War. If you didn’t leave until you were fucking someone else then you left for that person. Despite whatever issues there may have been and despite whatever ill feelings you may have had you didn’t get your ass in gear and file for a divorce until this new fuck buddy showed up. In other words, you didn’t get a divorce because you were unhappy, sweetie pie; you got a divorce because you finally found a suitable immediate replacement.

Two, it goes back to what I wrote about in Just Go! Just Go!  These people are wasting other people’s time. They are cowards. They sit around whining about how unhappy they are, how the spouse makes shit pies for them and slyly serves them up to them, and lists every misdeed and utter failure of their spouse but they just can’t seem to cut the cord until, oh golly gee, lookie there- a fresh piece of ass! Getting a divorce with no one around is haaaaarrrd. But now they’ve got someone new to warm their bed. Now they’ve got someone new telling them how wonderful they are, how pretty or handsome or sexy they are. Most importantly, they have someone who assures them that the big bad spouse has treated them horribly and they, the shiny new affair partner, will never treat them like that. Life will be blissful with your new soul mate. Now they can take that next step. Divorcing because you’re unhappy is difficult, time consuming, financially devastating, and basically not something that needs to be rushed. But divorcing because you’ve got yourself a new fuck buddy… well, now that’s something we can do! Of course, we’ll have to stress to everyone that we didn’t leave for the new fuck buddy. Oh gosh no! There were problems galore in the marriage. Divorce was inevitable (it was just a matter of finding a replacement, right?). The cheated on spouse had it coming!

Also a point of contention for me is the fact that cheaters lie. I’m sure there are a few people out there who are quite honest about their cheating, and by honest I mean they lay it all out there.

Oh, my spouse is wonderful. Couldn’t ask for a better partner. I love my husband/wife and have no intentions of leaving ever. Does he/she do terrible things? No, not at all. Are they bitter/mean/hateful/angry? Again, no, not at all. No horrible personality traits. He/she doesn’t rage at me, throw shit at my head, threaten to leave me, or refuse to talk to me. In fact, my spouse is delightful in every way. I would go so far as to describe him/her as my soul mate, my very best friend. We have tons of fun together, have many similar interest and hobbies. I’m telling you, my spouse is great. Have they withdrawn sex? Oh God no! We have sex all the time. She/he is fantastic in bed. I just like to fuck a lot of people and my spouse can’t be multiple people. This is just casual sex for me. No, I don’t love you. No, you’re not special. No, we’re not soul mates. No, I’m not going to leave for you. I just want to fuck you.

I’m not sure that would get a lot of play. It certainly wouldn’t get the play that the poor sad sap story with the horrible husband or wife who doesn’t understand them and refuses to meet their needs gets. Other people eat that shit up! Oh, this person would never lie to me! Only to their spouse that they promised to love and honor for the rest of their life. The person they made a commitment to. Because they’re so horrible and they deserve it if you really think about it. If they were a better person then my true love wouldn’t have to cheat on them and make me into the other woman/other man.

That brings me to yet another point. If you love someone why would you want to drag them down like that? No one is going to believe that story about not leaving for them. If you’ve got kids, especially older kids, they’re probably not going to care about the fact that you weren’t too terribly happy with their other parent. They’re going to care about the fact that their lives are being upended. Thanks to your true love. They’re probably going to be much more affected by their other parent crying and rapidly losing weight due to the stress of finding out their partner is cheating on them than by the parent who is giddy with excitement because of their good fortune to be able to discard one person and start all over with another. So now your kids dislike your true love, perhaps partly out of loyalty to the other parent, perhaps due to the fact that you have screwed up their damn lives for your own selfish endeavors. They refuse to have anything to do with him/her, or worse, they’re flat out disrespectful to him/her. In some cases, that is exactly what happens. The kids are willing to have a relationship with the parent but they make it clear the soul mate is to stay the hell away from them. So now, the cheater is in a position of needing to choose between the soul mate and their children. Not an enviable position. Well, not one for most people. I think for cheaters it’s quite easy. They’ll toss those kids aside the minute they interfere with them getting laid.

But assuming you are one of the “good” cheaters, one who wants to remain in the kids’ lives, how do you feel about relegating your soul mate to the fringes of your life when your kids are around? Do you think he or she is really going to appreciate having to stay home every time little Aidan or Emily has a school performance? Do you think Schmoopie will have no problem with not being invited to the graduations, graduation parties, weddings, birthday parties for grandchildren, funerals, etc.? And do you really want to do all of that by yourself? Wasn’t part of the reason you couldn’t get divorced until you found a replacement because you’re so afraid of doing anything on your own? Now you’re going to go through all of these big life events for your kids all by yourself? It should be doubly fun if the ex-spouse’s new spouse is allowed to attend. Hey, that person didn’t break up a marriage!

There’s a good chance other people will already know what has happened, or they will find out. Bosses, co-workers, friends of the former couple, family, teachers. Once that happens there is a good chance your true love is going to be treated like an outcast, a home wrecker, like the whore (male or female) they are. You’ll probably fare okay with the in-laws. Blood is thicker than water and most of them seem only too happy to forget or ignore what their precious offspring has done. Occasionally you run into a set of in-laws who has been very close with the spouse and who doesn’t forgive adultery simply because it’s their own child who is committing it. In those cases, the soul mate might not be welcome at family functions. Now you have to kick your entire family to the curb. Wow- I hope the sex is worth it.

But again, I ask, why would you put a person you purport to love in that position where people look upon him or her with scorn and derision? Why would you turn that person into a home wrecker? Why would you put him or her into a position where people talk about them or ostracize them? Doesn’t seem very loving to me. Then again, I think most people play the odds and figure most people excuse adultery and it won’t be a big deal. If you’re young enough you can make a few replacement kids to take the place of those big brats that won’t celebrate your unique love with Schmoopie.

Ultimately, it comes down to this:

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I hate divorce. I hate it with a passion and I never would have left CF no matter how bad it got. I made a commitment and I intended to follow through with it. I also want to point out that while the final 6-8 months of the marriage were bad thanks to him we had actually been doing quite well before that, so it’s not like I was resigned to living in misery. I was never resigned to living in misery; I always felt like I had a choice to either be happy with him or to find other outlets to make me happy. Nonetheless, I don’t believe the point of divorce is to switch one partner out for another.

If there are problems in your relationship and despite talking it out, going to counseling, and trying everything you still can’t make it work, then by all means divorce. But do so honestly. Don’t wait until you have someone new before you take the plunge. That’s not fair at all to your spouse. It’s especially not fair when they have no idea the extent of your unhappiness. Basically, you end up keeping all these feelings inside of you until finally your supposed soul mate ventures into your sights, and then you’re seeking divorce while planning a new life with someone new. Meanwhile, your spouse is being blindsided with a one-two punch- first the news of te divorce and then the news that there is someone else.

I have to admit I find it more than a little curious that there are all these unhappy spouses out there with a laundry list of faults and infractions committed by the spouse. Yet, they stay. The marriage is so awful they need to fuck someone else, but it’s not so awful that they might consider divorce up until that point that they have their spouse’s replacement.

It also goes back to that saying: Wherever you go, there you are. You’re still you. You haven’t changed anything in regards to the way you deal with the problems in your relationship. You’ve changed partners but you haven’t changed anything else. Sure, life with Schmoopie will be great. At first. Every relationship has its problems. Every person has their faults. Love and sex (especially sex) can cover up those faults and problems for a while (look at Tracie Andrews’ poor dead fiancé) but they all come out in the wash eventually. Sometimes I think it’s even harder for those who have been in affairs because this is the person you left your spouse for; in some case it’s the person you left your kids for. When those faults and problems come out it’s like a double whammy. I gave up everything for this? Since you never learned how to resolve problems in a relationship because your solution was to go outside of the relationship, when problems come up with Schmoopie, well, there you are. You didn’t learn anything. You probably won’t talk it out. You’ll wait for your next true love to walk by and fall on or into your nether regions. Naturally, it will only be because you weren’t happy and the soul mate wasn’t meeting your needs. No one can say you left for the new soul mate. There were already problems in the relationship so this new soul mate just helped to put things into motion. Hmmm…. that sounds familiar.

 

Just Go!

As I said a while ago I have been expanding my horizons and reading other blogs, including cheater blogs. Why? I don’t know because they tend to infuriate me. All the same stupid excuses. All the same thinking.

I find myself constantly perplexed by their dilemma of whether or not to leave the spouse. It seems to me it would be a no-brainer. I mean, they talk about how the spouse (usually the wife, but sometimes the husband) doesn’t meet their needs, they’re not sexually compatible or never have sex period, they live like roommates, the spouse doesn’t understand them, blah blah blah. Of course, the mistress (or lover occasionally) always gets them. She’s always so hot, so wonderful, so sexy, so terrific in bed. He thinks about her constantly and she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, blah blah blah.

Yet these people continue to deliberate over whether or not to leave the spouse. What is the big decision here? They talk about their spouse like she is a burden while the whore they’re fucking is a goddess. The wife can do no right and the whore can do no wrong. So how is there even a decision left to make? Why not leave and go be with the perfect one?

Let me guess! You have kids. You have entangled finances. You have shared real estate holdings. You own a business together. He makes very good money, allowing you a very nice lifestyle you don’t want to give up. Divorce is just so hard!

Let me tell you something. I had been a stay at home mom for fifteen years, hadn’t had a full time job since April of ’98, had followed CF around the country for 19 years, putting my own career on the back burner, and was completely dependent on my husband. I was 46 years old, had no one lined up to take the husband’s place and honestly believed (and still believe) that divorcing him meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had been living in a new state for only a year, had just bought a new house, new car, new furniture, and had just put a brand new $57,000 pool in our backyard. I had just switched phone companies and entered a new two year contract and had just renewed my license plates for three years. I still had no family close by and all of my friends were 2000 miles away because again, CF had just moved us across the country. I was looking at financial ruin, no support system and a life spent raising two kids on my own, so if I could file for divorce in spite of all of that you can certainly leave and go be with your soul mate.

You act like you are doing us some favor, deliberating over whether or not to stay or go. You are not. You are wasting our time; you are stealing years of our lives. You are taking free choice away from us and forcing us to live lies. We think we’re building a life with you and you’re busy trying to decide if you’re going to keep fucking Schmoopie/Studly Do Right on the side, or if you’re just going to leave us for the whore. We think we have a partner for life, someone with whom we will grow old, and you’re fantasizing about your perfect affair partner who never makes a wrong move while you catalog all of our faults.

One of the things that pisses me off the most about my situation is all the wasted years. I spent over twenty years with that waste of skin. Had he left ten years ago I might have had a chance to make something of my life. Hell, had he left when he was first confronted I might have had a chance! Now, I’m utterly and thoroughly fucked. I have no shot at a career. I have no shot at making any kind of a decent living. I will never come close to having what I had all those years. I wasted my youth on him. I wasted the best years of my life on him.

You want to write down a list of pros and cons for keeping your spouse versus leaving and going with the soul mate? Why bother? Your spouse will never be able to compete with the mirage that is the other person. That person doesn’t live with you. That person doesn’t see you when you’re sick. You’re never harping on her because she didn’t pick up your laundry from the dry cleaner’s, or on him because he didn’t mow the grass. Their only task is to fuck you. The whole relationship is secretive and sexy and the thrill of knowing you’re doing wrong adds to the excitement. You’re in a little cocoon where you don’t have to deal with any real life situations. No one is ever going to have to stop what they’re doing because a kid is calling for them. No, you’ve arranged it so that your cuckolded spouse (or daycare) is taking care of the kids while you run off and fuck your soul mate. Life is perfect with the soul mate. You never fight. You’re never in a bad mood. No one has to figure out the logistics of how to pay the mortgage or what to do about grandparents who won’t listen or who’s going to pick the kids up because you’re relationship is all about the two of you- no one else. You have no distractions because your getaways are secret; you’re having an affair so no one else is going to be involved.

I think this is where Chump Lady’s unified theory of cake comes into play. You like the “kibbles” and you don’t leave because the spouse is doing something for you; you’re getting something out of the marital arrangement. Maybe it’s as basic as taking care of the house and the kids. Or as basic as supporting you or enabling you to live a lifestyle you couldn’t live on your own. Maybe you don’t want to deal with the financial hit you would possibly take, or you don’t want to have to pay child support. Hey, as long as the spouse has no idea there is another person you are free to spend as much of the marital money pot on the soul mate as you want! Once that divorce comes through though you might easily see your income cut in half, if not more. Maybe it’s as simple as the thrill of having multiple people wanting you. I believe Chump Lady would say it boils down to entitlement and the thrill of getting one over on your unknowing spouse.

Seriously, just leave. Go! Get out! Stop wasting your spouse’s life. They deserve to find someone who will love them the way you claim to love your affair partner. They deserve to be first in someone’s life because they sure as hell will never come first in yours. They will always be unfairly compared to the affair partner. They deserve to be with someone who won’t lie to them, cheat on them, betray them, and humiliate them.

You deserve to live your life with your soul mate. It will be fun! I’m sure it will be exactly like you imagined it- sex all the time, no fighting, constant understanding. There will be no bills to pay, no children to take care of, no explanations needed when co-workers and friends notice the change in spouse. Your real life with your soul mate will be all kinds of awesome! Never a bad or dull moment. Your kids will be fine! After all, if you’re happy then they’re happy. Besides, kids are resilient, don’t ya know?

Hey, I’m sure that anyone who would throw all their morals aside (assuming they had any to begin with) to sleep with someone else’s spouse is a perfectly delightful person- a real catch, if you will. In some cases they’ve cheated on their own spouse and told their own set of lies. But don’t worry. They would never do that to you. You are special. You are their soul mate. You understand them. They only lie to less deserving people. That would never be you!

Cold Hard Reality Sneaks Up

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a loyal Chump Lady reader. I find her view on infidelity refreshing. She doesn’t make excuses for the cheaters. She doesn’t accept blame for their actions. I’m sure there are those that don’t like her black and white thinking, or the fact that she’s not very optimistic when it comes to reconciliation. I don’t march in total lockstep with her but I do agree with most of her viewpoints. I like reading the comments as well because so many others have endured something very similar to what I’m going through. I have a huge Word document that contains little nuggets of wisdom I’ve gleaned from her pages. So much of what is said there makes so much sense to me; it also tends to closely align with the way I believe. You read there for a while and you forget how the rest of the world views infidelity.

How do they view it? Let me count the ways. Read any online article and its comments or a blog by the affair participants and you’ll read about how it takes two, it (the affair) was a mistake, no one is perfect, she/he wasn’t meeting my needs, the poor dears just have such a high sex drive and the spouse can never keep up, there must have been problems in the marriage, happy people don’t cheat (i.e. it must have been the spouse’s fault), monogamy isn’t natural, people are so judgmental of adulterers, adultery has been around as long as time so it must be natural to cheat, and affairs can make you a better spouse/parent because you’re happier. That’s just for starters. There is also the ever popular: She must have let herself go, she gained weight, she withheld sex, she doesn’t know how to take care of her man…

What a load of shit. The whole “letting herself go” kills me. Yes, because only fat, ugly women get cheated on. Maybe someone should let Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Halle Berry, Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon and Eva Longoria know they need to take better care of themselves. You’ve let yourself go, ladies!

I’m also a big fan of the withholding sex/not enough sex excuse. First of all, over the years I’ve read comments from a lot of women who were absolutely stunned that their husbands had enough time and energy to have an affair because they were getting it at home every day or every other day. I know of a woman whose advice was to give it up whenever he wanted, even if you didn’t feel like it because if you didn’t he would go looking for it elsewhere. Guess what? Her husband still cheated. Fathered a child with his mistress, in fact. I’ve already recounted how my own little cousin fucking sociopath told everyone we hadn’t had sex in ten years. Hey, current and potential mistresses? The thing about cheaters? They lie. So while you may think you’re saving the poor soul from a sexless marriage chances are he’s a lying sack of shit.

Closely related is, “My spouse is not meeting my needs.” Oh well, then by all means go out and fuck someone else! You are entitled to it, my poor sad sausage! You know what else? If your boss isn’t meeting your request for a raise you should just steal from the company! You deserve it. Who is your boss to deny your request? What are they expecting when they won’t give you what you want?

We could extrapolate this to everything! I told her to shut up and not make me angry. What did she think was going to happen? You can’t fault me for slapping her around. Or: Hey, I paid a lot of money for that dinner and concert. She knew I was really into her. What did she think was going to happen at the end of the date, especially when she agreed to come inside my apartment? I deserved sex for everything I did for her. Sure, some judgmental people might call it rape, but I call it rewarding me for all that money I spent. Let’s try this one: The baby was crying. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t get him to stop so I shook him. You can’t blame me for that; anyone else would have done the same thing! Or my personal favorite: He cheated on me so I ran him down with my car. What did he think was going to happen?

Funny observation here… you know what’s even older than adultery? Murder. And yet I’m pretty sure none of the cheaters out there would find it understandable if their spouse actually did kill them. I certainly don’t see them defending the act with the same vim and vigor that they excuse cheating because “he/she wasn’t meeting my needs.” Another funny observation… Thanks to all my ID TV viewing it seems it’s usually the cheaters who kill their partners and not the other way around. Because they’re entitled fuckwits who don’t care who gets hurt so long as they get what they want. They don’t think they should have to lose anything so it’s easier to just kill off the discarded partner instead of divorcing and taking whatever consequences happen to hit them in the face.

Newsflash! People in happy marriage DO cheat. Some people just like knowing they are getting one over on their spouse. They like a pussy or dick buffet. No matter how happy or satisfied, no matter how well fucked, they will still mess around because they like it. It is fun for them. It is all in the thrill of the deception.

It also does not take two people to destroy a marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work; it only takes one to destroy it. Well, I suppose if you also count the whore who is willing to sleep with another person’s spouse then yes, it does take two. But we all know when a person says that they are referring to the husband and wife both needing to participate in the destruction. This is also the point in the discussion where I like to point out that if I couldn’t make my cousinfucker eat a turnip then I couldn’t be expected to make him be faithful.

No marriage is perfect; therefore, every marriage is going to have problems. Cheating does not solve them. It adds to them. Furthermore, there are many things you can do if you are experiencing problems in your marriage. Counseling, talking, and divorcing are a few of those. Having an affair is not a great solution. It is a selfish move and it is no excuse. I know there will be those who say, “But we’ve tried counseling! I’ve tried telling him/her what the problem is/what I need but my spouse never listens. Nothing ever changes.” This is your chance to be a big boy or girl and actually file for that divorce. If you’re so miserable you are looking to fuck another person then I would think you were miserable enough to actually file for a divorce and attempt to start a new life. Grow up and act like a damn adult instead of a toddler throwing a tantrum! Get out when you realize you’re unhappy and nothing is going to change instead of waiting until you have a new warm bed to fall into. I don’t care how horrible your spouse was; when you wait until you have someone new lined up you will always be the the one in the wrong. Nothing they did or didn’t do will compare to what you’ve now done.

I think my quartet of favorites, though, might be the “it was a mistake,” “it just happened,” “no one is perfect” and “people are so judgmental” justifications. No one is perfect? Really? Here I thought if I was the perfect wife, married to the perfect man, raising the perfect children in the perfect house then I would have the perfect life! Can you see my eyes rolling so far back in my head that I can actually see the dinosaurs? Do you honestly think you need to be perfect in order to not cheat on your spouse? Seriously? That’s the bar we’ve set now, is it? In order to keep your dick in your pants or to keep dicks from falling into your vagina, you must be perfect. Everyone else fucks indiscriminately! Ridiculous! You know who thinks you need to be perfect in order to not cheat on your spouse? Entitled, cake eating fuckwits, that’s who!

Furthermore, no the affair did not “just happen” and it was not “a mistake”. You weren’t walking along and happened to trip onto someone’s nether regions. There were conscious decisions and well thought out deceptions that occurred all along. I wrote something similar about that here.

I’m going to paraphrase Chump Lady: A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk on your way home, or buying Charmin Extra Strong instead of Charmin Extra Soft; it’s not fucking another person. That is a deliberate choice!

When you find yourself getting a little too close and a little too attracted to someone who is not your spouse, that’s your moment to sever ties and get your head out of your ass. If you decide to keep this “friendship” going then you have made a choice and you can no longer say the affair “just happened” or that it “was a mistake”. No, you nurtured it. You chose it. If it was “a mistake” like you wish to claim then it was “a mistake” you willingly made.

Every lie you tell your spouse in order to carry on your relationship with this new person is a deliberate deception. It is not something that “just happened.” You don’t mistakenly tell lies in order to carry on a relationship that you know would be painful to your spouse.

There are many choices leading up to an actual affair and you chose each and every one of them, so please, now that you’ve been caught do not insult my intelligence with your “it just happened” and “it was a mistake” nonsense. “A” mistake would be a single mistake. A single time you mixed up the Charmin Extra Strong with the Charmin Extra Soft. An affair is multiple “mistakes”- each and every lie, each and every choice to do the wrong thing, each and every act. It is deliberating gas lighting your spouse, manipulating them, deceiving them. And it didn’t “just happen.” It was well thought out and meticulously planned.

Again, I really doubt anyone would believe me if I was in court explaining, “I don’t know why I ran him over with my car. Repeatedly. It just happened! I had no control over it. One minute I’m on the sidewalk, talking to him and the next, BOOM, I’m behind the wheel of the car running his pathetic ass over. It was a huge mistake; I’m so sorry! Hey, no one’s perfect!”

I would take on the “people are so judgmental” blame shifting but unfortunately, every time I try all I can hear is, “Whaaaaa! Whaaaaa!” Poor little babies. Out there fucking other people and no one is willing to understand their pain and sympathize.

I know this doesn’t describe every cheater but it does describe mine and many others. He cheats on me, abandons his kids, quits his job, plays victim, tries to get out of paying a generous child and spousal support order, tries to skirt any and all of his financial obligations, and instead of giving me a very generous settlement agreement so that he can begin his new life with the whore he instead tries to fuck me over, and yet I’m the one who needs to work on my social skills! Don’t be so judgmental, Sam! Gosh, it’s not like you’re perfect!

Does it ever occur to these self-absorbed whining babies that maybe they should be judged? That maybe they are doing awful things? That maybe they are not making the best choices? Of course not! That would actually mean taking responsibility for their own shitty behavior instead of shifting it off onto the spouse they shit all over.

Hearing that having an affair makes you a better spouse (or parent) is another one of those senseless things that tend to come out of cheaters’ mouths. Yes, and as Chump Lady likes to say, breaking your knee caps improves your tennis game! My home catching on fire tends to help me with my cluttering issues! Abandoning your children makes you a better parent! Totaling your car makes you a better driver! I could do this all day. Ah, but the cheater did say that it makes them a better spouse because they’re happier. I guess that’s one of those: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy kinda things.

The problem with this is that once again the cheater is only concerned with his or her own happiness. Let’s face it; they don’t really give a shit if the cheated on spouse is happy. Nor do they really care about their children’s happiness. They care about whether or not they are happy. If they bring someone into your life who ends up being a bunny boiling psychopath… hey, that bunny boiler was fantastic in bed and it made them happy… so why complain about the fact you now need a restraining order against her and can’t let your kids out of your sight for fear she’ll abduct or hurt them? If they end up giving you an incurable STD, hey, at least they were happy! If that STD causes you to lose your baby in your 5th month of pregnancy…. come on, can’t you focus on the fact that he was happy, dammit! Have you never made a mistake? Oh no; I’ll bet you’re perfect!

If they end up spending thousands, or hundreds of thousands on the affair partner, or plowing through all of the marital assets, leaving you and your children in poverty, you shouldn’t be upset about that. No, be happy for them because they’re happy. Your marriage is going to be so much better now!

Hmmm… I’ll have to ask my kids if their daddy being happy makes them happy. I’m not quite sure that the tradeoff was worth it. On one hand Dad’s getting his dick sucked regularly; on the other hand my kids have seen their entire lives as they knew it dissolve in an instant. It’s such a tough call.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and declare that all the spouses who have been killed by cheating spouses are not happy. I will further declare that their loved ones are also not happy. They don’t give a rat’s ass about the cheater’s happiness.

Finally, they love to declare that monogamy is not natural; therefore, cheating is natural and to be expected. Do you know what else isn’t natural? Shitting in an indoor toilet that you then flush. Electricity. Heart transplants. Vaccines. Penicillin. Not dying in childbirth when the baby can’t squeeze through the birth canal. Alarm clocks. Birth control. Living in spite of having diabetes. Vacuum cleaners. Microwaves. Keurigs. Surviving cancer. Washing your hands to prevent the spread of germs. Women voting.

Those are all modern inventions. How many cheaters wish to do without them?

As far as how animals work things out in the wild… well, let’s say you go leave to be with your new and improved lover. In the wild when a new alpha male takes over he tends to kill the offspring of the previous alpha. Are you good with your children being killed off? Because that’s what happens naturally. In nature.

Furthermore, it’s not like you don’t know what you’re signing up for. Very few people are actually forced to get married, or to marry someone not of their own choosing. Remaining single and fucking everything that moves is certainly an option. I know; if you choose that option who is going to take care of you? Who is going to help finance your 401k or your savings account? Who will watch the children, walk the dogs, do the laundry, and give you the appearance of wholesome family man or woman? Hey, those spouse appliances are extremely useful! I know it’s a trade-off- someone there to share the burdens of life with you versus living a single life with a variety of sexual partners, but it is a choice you can make if you find monogamy so “unnatural” and difficult to follow.

Or, here’s another crazy idea. I personally would never go for a marriage where my husband was free to fuck around, but some people have those arrangements. If you want a smorgasbord of pussy or dick let’s try something unique. It’s called honesty. Before you ask this person to marry you, and certainly before any vows are said, let the person know you need a variety of private parts to keep you happy.

Sadly, that ruins the thrill for many cheaters. No more lies. No more deception. No more sneaking around behind the betrayed spouse’s back. It’s just not fun if you have permission. Plus, if you agree that you both can screw around, well, that puts you on equal ground and we can’t have that. What happens if the spouse decides he or she likes one of the conquests better? What if screwing someone else makes your spouse realize everything you lack? What if they’re out screwing some random conquest and they’re not around to iron your shirts or make your dinner or work on your car or mow the yard or show up and smile at the company Christmas party?

Besides, even in open marriages there are rules. Cheaters don’t like rules. So if the rule is you can’t see someone more than 3 times, or you must use protection or no kissing or whatever the rule may be, the cheater is going to break it, because they like getting one over on others.

It’s too bad that the same old excuses keep making the rounds and that’s the dominant voice. My hope is that eventually the voice of Chump Lady and Chump Nation will be the dominant voice and we can put these sorry excuses to bed (pardon the pun) once and for all.

Don’t Worry, Kids, This Is All Your Fault

I believe I have told the story of how Cousinfucker went into Picasso’s room after returning from his weekend fuck fest.  I had had the “privilege” of telling our kids their dad was in his home state with his girlfriend and we were going to be getting a divorce.  Oh, fun times!  Fun times!

Reminiscing aside he goes into this 13 year old boy’s room, crying, and tells him how he’s not going to deny he has a girlfriend but ever since having kids we have drifted apart.  You know how they say kids blame themselves and you should reassure them that it’s not their fault? Romeo really hit it out of the park.  He took the “It’s Completely Your Fault” approach.  Yes, had we not had those pesky kids that demanded time and attention I could have sat in the bedroom with him and watched endless amounts of A&E crap and SportsCenter scores.  I could have given him my full and undivided attention, all day every day.  He also chose to utilize the “Your Mom Wasn’t Giving Me Enough Attention” and “We Drifted Apart and Our Marriage Wasn’t Ever Very Happy” excuses to justify having an affair to his teenage son and to try to turn him against me.  Not gonna happen, Cousinfucker.  #sorrynotsorry

So, I got to thinking about this whole “drifting apart” thing.  I’ve concluded it’s a bunch of bullshit concocted by cheaters who want to excuse their boorish behavior  I don’t know if they really believe the sound of their own lies or if they’re just hoping it sounds good enough to convince the masses.  Regardless, I’m done with that excuse.

I’m also done with this idea that the affair is a symptom of what’s wrong in the marriage and not the actual disease.  If that were true why aren’t both of the people cheating?  Do the people who create this bullshit think it through?  Do they really think one person in the marriage is miserable and ripe for an affair while the other person is so deliriously happy they are farting rainbows and glitter?

Don’t even get me started on “You need to own your part and how you contributed to the problems in your marriage.”  I can sum that up quite nicely.  My contribution was forgiving the sonofabitch.  My contribution to the problems in the marriage was kissing his ass and putting up with his bullshit.  I led him to believe his egregious behavior was acceptable when it wasn’t.  That was my contribution.

I have concluded that pretty much everything I could take responsibility for leads back to him.  Not enough sex?  He kicked me out of our bed because he said he couldn’t deal with my snoring.  That wasn’t my doing.  He chose that.  Being in close proximity leads to more sex.  Chances were good that once I was banished to the couch I wasn’t going to get the kids ready for bed and then rush into the master bedroom to blow his mind and then return to the living room to watch NCIS.  Not my fault he didn’t like the consequences of sleeping apart.

We could also add the fact he’s the one that insisted our daughter sleep with us.  I tried to keep her out of the bed.  He kept sneaking her back in.  “She belongs here!” he would whine.  OK, we’ll let her sleep with us.  I voluntarily moved out of the bed when I was 7-8 months pregnant because I didn’t have enough room with him and a 2 year old in a queen size bed.  Once Picasso was born CF couldn’t sleep with him in his little bassinet in our room so once again I was banished.  Rock Star slept in the bed with CF and I slept on the daybed with the bassinet next to me so as not to disturb His Royal Highness.  A few months after Picasso was born we discovered that Rock Star was sleeping through the night and not going to the bathroom.  We bought her bunk beds and she was eager to sleep in them.  She slept in them for two days and then on the third day, Friday, her dad asked her if she wanted to sleep with him.  “I can’t go cold turkey.  She’s slept with us for two years!”  Sunday comes and she starts to get in bed with him and all of a sudden it’s, “Oh no!  I can’t have her sleeping with me tonight.  I need to get up in the morning for work and she’ll keep me up.”  Do you think she returned to her brand new bunk beds?  No, no she didn’t.  I ended up sleeping with both kids for the next 4 years.  Eventually he gave up the queen size bed and the master bedroom so the kids and I could sleep there and he moved to the downstairs bedroom.  But go ahead and blame me for that whole “drifting apart” and “never having sex” thing.  It was completely my fault.  I should have laid down with the kids, got them to sleep and then rushed right in to have sex with him and then after it was all over I could leave him to sleep all by himself where no one would disturb him and I would return to our children who had become accustomed to sleeping with their mom.  Like I said, completely my fault.

We drifted apart?  Hmmmm…. could that have had anything to do with the fact that he closed himself off in the basement, watching TV and eating dinner while I was expected to corral the young children so he could do all of that in peace?  Could it have anything to do with the fact that every time I would ask him if he wanted to join us he would decline?  I’m having a hard time taking complete responsibility for us “drifting apart” when every time I tried to pull him into our orbit he steadfastly refused.  He didn’t go with us when I visited family.  Once we moved to our former state he refused to associate with anybody whom he didn’t know.  Eventually it got to the point where he wouldn’t even socialize with co-workers.  I attended family funerals alone.  He resisted taking vacation time, saying it was twice as much work once he got back.  For some bizarre reason once we moved to our former state he decided to pretty much live in our/his bedroom.  There were a few times he ventured out, like when he got into playing a few games on the Wii, but if we didn’t immediately fawn all over him and the efforts he was making he would pout and once again retreat to the bedroom.  He pulled the same crap once we moved here.  He wouldn’t even sit on the enclosed porch or the couch in the living room.  It was too stressful for him.  He only felt “safe” in the bedroom.  Again, totally my fault if you asked him.  I didn’t love him enough.  My love was not strong enough to coax him out of the bedroom and ease him into a porch swing.

Did I spend too much time with the kids?  That’s a common complaint.  Here’s the thing about that.  One of us had to be the parent.  He pretty much abdicated that role.  If I acted the way he had acted we probably would have had our kids taken away from us due to neglect.  Instead of being a team he chose to let me do all of the work.  I did it without complaint most of the time because I figured that was simply the way we had decided to divide the household duties.  He worked and made the money and I took care of the house and the kids so that he could concentrate on his career.  Funny though how so many people manage to have a career and be a parent.  It’s truly amazing.  I don’t know how they do it. #sarcasm

He loved to use the ol’ “We’re nothing more than roommates,”  excuse.  That’s really weird because I distinctly remember telling him that since our kids were older and could be left alone for a few hours by themselves we should start having a date night.  His response?  Why would you want to do that with me?  I don’t know, dude; I really don’t know.  I guess that was my cue to beg him.  Oh please please let’s spend some time together.  Pretty please!

Any time I suggested counseling he was resistant to the idea and as I’ve recounted many times when he did go with me after being busted he didn’t really participate.  He sat there, let me do all the talking and then got pissed.

He saw himself as nothing more than a wallet and a handyman and yet he never did anything about it.  He didn’t spend a lot of time with our kids.  He bought them stuff instead.  I remember finally putting my foot down and telling the kids they would now get an allowance and once that was used up there would be no more toys because every time we went out he would let them pick something out.

Remember, too, that after my first D-Day, when I was “taking responsibility” for getting to this point he pointed out things he wished I would change and I did it.  He told me I had stopped wearing make-up and that made him feel like I didn’t care about him anymore. So I made sure to always wear make-up, even if it meant applying it (or farding) right before he got home. I wore my hair up all the time- either in a ponytail, or a ponytail twisted up into a bun.  Again, I’m sure that was proof I no longer loved him or gave a damn. But damn if I didn’t start wearing my hair down more often so he could view my long locks cascading over my shoulders.  He wished I would text him more, like the whore did because it made him feel so in touch with her and he wanted that with me now. So I did even though I hated it.  When I didn’t take the time to get manicures and pedicures it made him feel like I didn’t care- again!  This one was a Catch-22, though, because even though I did it I’m sure he now uses that to demonstrate how I wontonly spent all his money!  I want you to sleep in our bed again (and if you fall asleep on the couch that’s proof you don’t love me!).  Watch me mow the lawn!  Bring me a cool drink!  Just touch me and look at me with love in your eyes all the time!  I couldn’t have jumped any higher if I had a set of rocket boots!

The really sad part is he could be an extremely funny guy.  The kids genuinely liked spending time with him.  Some of my favorite memories are when we would all go out on Christmas Eve.  We’d go bowling, sometimes catch a movie, and eat dinner out.  Rock Star would comment how her friends all loved her dad and thought he was hilarious.  When he would finally agree to go with us he was usually a lot of fun to be around.  There were times I honestly believed he was more patient with the kids than I was.  Of course, when you’re only dealing with them a few days out of the year you always seem more patient than the parent who is dealing with them day in and day out.  He simply never bothered to show that side of himself very often.

Did we drift apart like he claims?  Possibly, although I didn’t do it on my own; he contributed to that as well.  Did we have an unhappy marriage for a long time?  I will dispute that; we struggled for a while but we were happy until the last 6 months or so.  Was he nothing more than a wallet and a paycheck?  I certainly never looked at him that way; he put himself into that role and then complained.

Don’t worry about looking inward, Zack.  I’m sure this new relationship with Harley is perfection.  What could go wrong when you have two lying cheaters get together?  No, don’t look at your own issues and your own contributions to the decline of our marriage; you go ahead and tell our kids that they are to blame.  Hell, Harley has four of them so when that relationship falls apart maybe you can blame her kids next.

His Side, Her Side and the Truth

I want to say something about this inane idea that there are two sides to every story.  Or, as the saying sometimes goes:  There are three sides to every story- his, hers, and the truth.

You know what?  I don’t believe that shit and I’m sick and tired of hearing it.  He cheated on me.  He’s fucking his cousin. He lives here in the house with his wife and kids during the work week and then he takes off and spends the weekends and holidays with his whore and her kids.  There is no other side!  Those are all facts.  Period.  He doesn’t even deny it!  I don’t care if I was the worst wife in the world (I wasn’t).  I don’t care if I beat him regularly, shit in his food, insulted his mother, made fun of his baldness, spent all of our money on shoes and handbags, told him he was horrible in bed, never had sex with him, berated him constantly, or ignored him completely.  None of that gives him a license to cheat (and none of that happened, in case anyone had any doubts).  If things are so damn bad then GET OUT!  You can get a divorce without fucking someone else.  I mean I get that in his family that’s pretty much a prerequisite but seriously, you don’t have to have an affair to end a marriage.

Will he have a different version as to why our marriage didn’t work (aka Why he was justified in cheating on me)?  Oh, I’m sure he will.  I’m equally sure that he’s the victim in his version.  He’s just the long suffering fool and I was unbearable; he could never please me or make me happy. We were nothing more than roommates.  We hadn’t had sex in ten years!  He was a handyman and a wallet. I only stayed for the money. For the record, I’m not projecting this; I’ve actually seen texts and had conversations with people where they have told me he has said such things, and I have text messages where he has said these things to me.  For my part when it comes to any problems in the marriage I like to keep it pretty fact based without seeing one of us as a victim and the other as the oppressor.  There are many facts I could give but there is only one that really matters.  Fact:  I didn’t give up!  I was determined to hang in there and make it work.  Oh wait!  There is a second fact.  Fact 2:  I didn’t cheat.

So, sure, when it comes to why our marriage broke apart and he was “driven” to cheat on me I’m sure a person would hear two very different versions.  But when it comes to him cheating on me?  There is only one side.  There is not my side where he cheated on me with his cousin and then his side where he didn’t cheat on me.  Frankly that is the only other side there could be.

Me:  He cheated!

Him:  No, I didn’t!

We’ve already established that he has cheated.  He has never denied it.  His whore is practically shouting it from the rooftops.  She’s wearing a fucking diamond ring for crying out loud. Therefore, folks, we have one side- he cheated.  He’s not disputing it; why are you?

Oh, but people don’t want to judge!  Why not?  Is it that difficult to say that’s some fucked up shit?  Hey, how about the Catholic priests molesting all those young boys?  Do you want to judge that or will you be reserving judgement because there are two sides to every story?  Maybe we should also hold back on judging Jerry Sandusky and Adolph Hitler and Ted Bundy and Ariel Castro and ISIS and people who abuse and kill children and/or animals.  I’ve got an idea!  Let’s do away with our whole justice system because it totally entails judging people! There are two sides to every story.  We have no idea what that victim did to make the perpetrator do such a thing!

Are you seriously saying that you can’t say someone cheating on their spouse is wrong?  Do you need to get all the facts about the problems in the marriage before you can make a determination as to whether or not someone was ENTITLED to cheat on their spouse?  Maybe that is what people really mean when they say there are two sides to the cheating story.  They are saying that they are willing to reserve judgement until they find out WHY he cheated.  If the reason is good enough then there are two sides to the story and we must look at both of them.  If the reason is not good enough then, yes, he cheated.

That’s where we differ.  I don’t need to hear the cheater’s justification.  Cheating is wrong.  Period.  If you’re that unhappy either go to marital counseling and try to fix the problems, or get out of your shitty marriage.  But what you shouldn’t do is stick around until some whore calls you up and tells you she’s still eager to get down on her knees and suck your dick and she’s never stopped loving you.  You have now entered “You Are In the Wrong” territory.  I’m so tired of hearing people justify their affair by saying, “I didn’t leave my wife ‘for’ Whore Tits; our marriage was already rocky.”  No, no, no.  If you didn’t leave until you had someone else lined up then you left FOR that person.  No matter how awful your relationship may have been, no matter how awful the betrayed spouse may have been, you didn’t take any steps to end it until you had someone else waiting in the wings.

That’s where I am, people, and the next time someone tells me they want to reserve judgement because there are always two sides that’s what I’m going to tell them.  No, there aren’t two sides.  He cheated on me.  The end.  The only other side would be that I am a liar, that he didn’t cheat on me and he’s not leaving every weekend to go fuck his cousin. Those are your two sides.  So which “story” do you believe?  Is he cheating on me like I claim, or am I a delusional liar who is smearing his good name?

The Whole Sad Story, Part 1.5

When we last left off our heroine was bravely throwing a party for her daughter and preparing to board an airplane a few days later to go to her step-father’s funeral.  Do my husband and his whore have perfect timing or what?

I truly believe he thought that once he said he chose me he figured that would be the end of it.  Unfortunately for him that’s not the way it worked out.  I had lots of questions and I had learned from my last go around that if you didn’t strike while the iron was hot you weren’t going to get any answers.  I spent a lot of time asking him questions about what all had gone on.  I also outlined several deal breakers for me.  1.  No contact with the whore.  I told him I didn’t care if her entire family died in a fiery explosion he wasn’t to so much as send a sympathy card. 2.  Marital counseling. 3. Give me all your passwords and get the damn passcode off your phone.  4.  Do not discuss our marital problems with your sister.  She was the person he would confide in and is a big proponent of doing whatever makes you happy.  I suppose that explains why she’s been married three times and never gets a divorce until she’s got the next husband waiting in the wings.  Her advice to him?  You deserve to be happy; you should do whatever makes you happy.  Now keep in mind he was gushing about how happy his whore was making him this entire time.

We spent a lot of time texting back and forth, especially while I was out of state.  I found out lots of interesting things, like how they had said they loved each other, how she suggested he move all of us closer to his home state (this is what led to him seeking his current place of employment), how she sent him naked pictures all summer long, how they talked about all the things they wanted to do with one another.  I found out they have almost nothing in common. She doesn’t like movies or television and my husband spends his life in front of the tv.  She’s a hard core liberal and he’s a hard core conservative.  Then again, they’re both lying cheaters so maybe that’s a common denominator that will keep them together.  I discovered that he would leave our house every morning and text her good morning and then they would talk the entire drive to work and text all day long.  I found out she told him every little mundane thing that went on in her little mundane world and that he liked that.  I discovered that on the weekends, when he was supposedly going for coffee, he was actually using that time to text her.  I found out that despite the fact his parents knew what happened they continued to associate with her and fawn over her numerous profile pictures.  I found out that within days of them beginning their affair she was telling him she could envision a future with him and that when he ended it with her she cried because she really thought he was going to leave me for her.  I found out she asked if my kids would like and get along with her kids, and if my kids would like her.  I discovered that when my daughter was taken to the ER he had told her he was going to the hospital and then updated her after the crisis was averted.  I found out that when her husband discovered their texts once again my husband asked her what she was going to do.  Her reply:  I’m not going to do anything.  I don’t care if he knows.

I should have known that recovery was not going to go well when we had our first counseling session and he got pissed because I told the counselor what had been going on.  He accused me of being “fucking perfect” on our drive home.  Mind you, he didn’t speak up or give his own version of the events.  Nope, just sat there.  When I asked him about it he said he was hoping that we could “focus on the future”.  I believe that’s code for:  Let’s just forget this ever happened.

Hell, I should have known recovery wasn’t going well when he sent me the text that supposedly ended it and it was a text FROM HER to him, telling him that they just couldn’t do this any more.  She was acting like the heroine from some low budget movie.  And his response revolved all around honor and duty.  “I need to be a better man!”  Fuck that!  I wanted him to tell the bitch it was over and that he loved his wife!  When I questioned him he admitted that yes, she had sent the text, but he had actually called her right after our conversation and ended it.  He told her that I knew and she asked what they were going to do.  He told her it was over and she began to cry.  Then he told her that he could never leave me and said good-bye.  That’s not really what I asked for, is it?  I even brought it up in counseling but at that point what could he do?  The counselor asked me if I wanted him to make contact with the whore.  Well, when you put it like that…. of course not!  But the fact remains I never got my text message where he ended it.  I was never given that satisfaction.

I should have known recovery was not going well when I got a little depressed a few weeks after D-Day and was asking him some more questions.  He was frustrated despite me telling him from the beginning that this might go on for a while and it wasn’t going to be an overnight fix.

I should have known recovery was not going to go well when he went back to visit his family in September and I began asking him more questions yet again.  Keep in mind his parents live about an hour away from the whore, so me even being amenable to him going there by himself was a sign of (misplaced) trust on my part.  He eventually turned it around into a “Woe is me” thing.  Yeah, poor poor baby, having to answer questions because you cheated on your wife.

It was around this time period that he brought up moving to our current location.  I have to hand it to him; he’s very good at playing the victim.  It began with “I know you don’t want to move.  I’ll just give up on this idea.  I’ll learn to be happy here.”  The middle involved him telling me that he thought he’d end up in a mental ward if he had to stay isolated out where we were.  It ended with me insisting that the goal was for all of us to be happy and the kids would adjust and I’d be happy wherever he was; we needed to do what was good for our future.

In October I came across messages between him and a relative from early May.  In them he was asking if he could bring a “guest” with him and went on to tell him that it was a female guest.  Went further to tell him that he couldn’t say much because he needed to protect “the innocent” but he would one day be related to her (in other words, he was going to marry the bitch as soon as he divorced his wife). That was when I found out she was going to get a tattoo with him- a symbol of their true love.

I refused to come home that night at first.  He was frantic and threatened to kill himself if I left him.  I did eventually come back that evening.

The next day he asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and I said I didn’t.  He acted all sad, and once again, like he was the victim.  I finally told him:  I didn’t understand at first why this upset me so much.  I knew the two of you had told each other you loved one another, so I couldn’t figure out why this gutted me.  But now I realize it’s because it was always serious with the two of you.  Pretty much from the first moment you two got involved it was serious.

What I was realizing was that this conversation was taking place within about 2 weeks after they began their affair.  Two weeks!  In two weeks time he had decided to throw away his wife and kids for a cousin who lives over a thousand miles away!  They love each other.  They’re planning a life together.  It was gut wrenching.

We talked about it a little bit more and that’s when I found out his first confession was false- there had never been multiple women.  It was always only her and he had told me there were three of them to protect her and make their relationship seem less serious.  He insisted that they had never met up and said that was proof right there that he wasn’t really that into her.  Obviously if he didn’t try harder to see her in person then he must not have really wanted to hook up.  He told me that she was the biggest mistake of his life, that he thought maybe she was a mid-life crisis and that he should have bought a motorcycle.  He told me he talked to her the way he wanted to be able to talk to me; in fact, he thought maybe he was using her as a replacement for me, his real true love.  He told me he had blocked her phone number on his phone.  And then he asked if we could not talk about this for a few days because it was causing him so much anxiety.

It was the last time we talked about his affair.

In the meantime we took a romantic vacation for his birthday (the first time we did that since we had had kids) and he did get the job that he wanted, which meant another cross country move that would take us mere hours away from her.  I kept an eye on her through social media.  The weekend that the kids and I were flying back from a weekend of house hunting I noticed that her husband had taken down his profile picture; it had been a picture of them on their wedding day and he had put it up right after she and CF had supposedly ended their affair.  She also was no longer listed as one of his friends.  That set off alarm bells but I pushed them away.  After all, my husband and I were happy.  We were happier than we had been in a long time.  We did date nights! We had taken a family vacation!  We had lots more sex!  We did everything together!  I even texted him all day long despite the fact that it always felt like he was replacing her with me.

The day that the movers came I had to run down and sign some papers and have them delivered back to my husband (he was already living in our new location while I was taking care of everything back at our old location).  Once he got the documents he told me his name was spelled wrong and they suggested that they only put his name on the deed and they’ll add mine later.  I lost my shit and came right out and asked him if he was planning on divorcing me once we got to the new location.  “Oh my God, why would you ask that?  I’m crying now!”  I called him up and told him it looked like she and her husband were in the midst of a divorce and it was a little too much of a coincidence that she and her husband were divorcing just as we were moving closer.  At this point he told me he gave less than a fuck what *that* person was doing.  He had no idea what she was doing and he didn’t care.  He told me he would have the documents sent to me again and we would have to do it all over again.  I believed him. Turns out they could use the documents I signed after all; my name was put on the deed.

During the time leading up to me and the kids leaving I gave him a few outs.  I remember telling him once:  When I get out there I’m not leaving.

For his part he told me he was constantly worried that I was going to tell him I wasn’t coming out there.  I would visit but I wasn’t moving. In hindsight I wish I had taken that advice.

We moved.  Things seemed to be going great. We bought furniture for the house.  I decorated.  I got a new car. The kids finally got a new trampoline.  Then sometime after our anniversary and the holidays he began a downward spiral.  At first I thought it was due to a movie that had come out that was triggering bad memories.  I saw a text message where he told his sister that he never should have tried to be happy and that I hated him.

I found more text messages over the next few months.  He would tell his sister I hated him; he flat out lied about a hospital stay and how I had written that he was annoying me and wasting my time.  She begged him to leave me and told him I was crazy and wrong and that he deserved so much better.  He told his best friend that I hadn’t checked on him all day, that I just left him upstairs to cry by himself.  He knew I hated him and I probably just stayed for the money.

Where was all this coming from?  It turns out his “best friend” found my other Facebook page, a page with no friends on it that I used as a blog to write about my feelings regarding his whore, his affair, and his family who chose her over me.  He let my drama queen husband know all about it and would feed him information.  This is the same man who, if I didn’t like a gift he bought for me, would consider it a personal affront and proof positive that he was the worst person in the world, so why on earth this “friend” would tell him about it is beyond me.  I suppose he figured they were roommates during college so he knew him much better than I possibly could after twenty years of marriage despite the fact that they had only seen each other a handful of times over the years.  For the record, a good 90% of what was on that page was pictures of her, making fun of her, memes, talking about the betrayal I felt over his family not cutting ties with her, and other such innocuous stuff.  Maybe 10% was about our relationship and not even all of that was negative.  Our anniversary would trigger me and I would write about how sad I was and how I felt like our anniversary was fake.  Nothing about him or what a horrible person he was or how much I hated him.  Just me having a hard time dealing with our anniversary.  Apparently I’m not allowed to feel that way.  My bad!

To make matters worse all during this time he wouldn’t talk to me about what was bothering him.   Like I said, he began this downward spiral around the holidays and I didn’t discover for another 6-8 weeks that he had read my page. For my part once I realized what had happened I shut the page down immediately.  I had no idea how to bring it up because I never felt like there was a good time.  Either he was so depressed and pitiful and I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound, or he was finally having somewhat of a good day and I didn’t want to bring him down.

He finally seemed to be headed on the road to recovery (probably had started up with the whore again). I remember telling friends I was done with his affair.  I didn’t want to think about it anymore.  I didn’t want to dwell on it.  I no longer cared about her or what she was doing.  I didn’t even regularly read the infidelity blogs that I had bookmarked.  We were good.  We were in a good place and I was ready to move on.  Things were looking up and I was eager to get back to our new location and to resuming my life there.  All thoughts of the affair and the whore were over.  I was more positive than I had been in a long time since our move.

Maybe I should have been more concerned when he blew off our family vacation to go on a “business” trip and then opted to go visit his mom at the end of that trip.