What Is It With This Post?

Jesus Christ on crutches! What is it with this post? I have had three people now have a bone to pick with me over this.

If you haven’t read this post I’ll give you a real quick Cliff Notes version. If you choose to stay with your spouse but you’re still pining after your affair partner get the fuck out! Go to that person and stop wasting your spouse’s life.

How does this get so many contentious responses? I am begging the cheater to go be with the other person. You would think they would be happy about this. But no! They react as though I’ve suggested branding them with a scarlet A or placing them in the stockades and letting people throw rotten eggs at them. 

One person suggested I sounded like a very bitter person who surrounded herself with a lot of cats. First of all, I don’t have any cats. My daughter does. I love my grand cats very much. They are delightful. Do not diss Poppy or Maverick. Second of all, I’m more of a dog person. Between the mobster and myself we’ve got four. Third of all, what kind of an insult is that anyway? Yeah, you must like cats! Oh burn!

The next two want to get all philosophical with me. Kate let me know she found this very “therapeutic” and that she, too, used to feel that way about “the other woman.” I’m guessing that stopped when she began an affair of her own. Funny how you’re okay with it when you’re the one doing it. She wanted me to know that I didn’t really know the other woman was a whore and that even though I “knew” I had squeezed every last bit of information about the affair from my cheater he was probably still unlikely to be honest about whether or not he missed the affair or affair partner. She then goes on to tell me she realizes I believe he’s one in a million and different from most men.

Did she read my blog before commenting? I do not think Jerry Lee is one in a million or that he’s different. I think he’s an entitled ass. I told her as much, too.

Finally, she chastises me for calling the other woman a whore, letting me know it sounds silly and people will get nothing out of my posts. I told her if she had no problem with some woman riding my husband’s dick then she could get off my ass for calling that woman a whore.

Oh, I forgot this gem: Trust me, one day you’ll be a lot less critical of people and happiness will follow.

Yes, I’m sure embracing whores will make me giddy. I suppose not having a moral compass can be freeing for some.

Then, just a day or so ago I get another comment taking me to task. This one, calling herself sorrynotsorry, let me know how wrong I was about the other women and this idea that the affair is not real life.

“It is real life!” she insists. I have no idea how many women are out there, doing their cheating lover’s laundry, making his meals, taking whatever leftover scraps of his time he’s willing to offer. Of course, in her situation it was the wife who was the secret; everyone knew them as a couple. So there! I’m wrong, wrong, wrong!

It happens. It’s rare, but it happens. Sure, some people get played. If it came as such a shock that her beloved was married after spending all of these nights, holidays and weekends with her, then I’d say he’s one hell of a liar. Probably a sociopath as well. Great catch there! She’s so busy patting herself on the back because this man uses his wife’s home as a boarding house and treats her with disrespect, that she doesn’t realize he’s no prize.

Once again, my favorite parts are where she’s calling me pathetic. I’m pathetic because I’m trying to fool myself into thinking the affair is meaningless. And pointing the finger at the other woman is also pathetic and desperate. Can’t forget desperate. Oh yes, I will probably never measure up to the so called whore and that’s why he’s stayed with her for so many years. He only stays with me because of the children and finances. Also, I’m bitter and hurt because the man I love has chosen to love someone else.

OK, first, does anyone actually read my blog before they comment or do they see the word “whore” and lose their shit? He’s not staying with me for the kids and financial reasons. I’m not with him; I left his cheating ass. He has abandoned his children for his gold digging, jailbird cousin. Yes, she is a whore. No, I don’t worry about measuring up to her; there is no comparison. No, I don’t want him back. I’m not bitter or hurt; my new guy is so much more amazing than Jerry Lee could ever hope to be.

Can you imagine the vitriol I would get if I was actually slamming them? I’m encouraging them to leave their spouses in order to be with the affair partner and they lose their freaking minds! Don’t call me a whore! How dare you say our affair isn’t real life? Who cares if it’s real or not? I’m doing you a freaking favor. I’m on your side, if you will.

I mean, sure, I don’t think it’s going to be all sunshine and roses for the happy couple. One of them is a person who cheats on their spouse, and the other is a person who has no problem with fucking someone else’s spouse. They’re both liars and people with no moral compass. Nonetheless, give it a go. Grab the bull by the horns. You only live once. Stop wasting a good person’s life while you fuck around on the side.

Sorry, haters, the advice remains the same. Shit or get off the pot. If you miss your affair partner so much then leave your spouse and go be with that person. Stop being a cake eating pussy. If this advice hurts your feelings? Well then, bless your heart.

A Numbers Game

It seems apparent Jerry Lee will not be making another payment until he is officially garnished. This is why I’m always nervous when it gets to the end of the month and he hasn’t paid. He does not have a good track record. I thought it might be fun to do a little bit of math today and see how dismal his track record really is.

I could calculate it as one long time period. He’s been court ordered to pay support for 48 months now (I’m going ahead and counting this month; if that bothers you, subtract one from these figures). Out of those 48 months he’s actually paid his support in full for 20 of those months. I’m being generous because I’m still giving him credit for the months he paid his self-modified child support. If you take that away he’s down to 13 months. Wow- a whole thirteen months of paying your court ordered support over a four year period. He’s managed to pay his court mandated support in full almost 25% of the time! Not quite 50% of the time if we give credit for the months he paid his self-modified child support.

2016 was the first year he was under a court order. Back then I was still under the illusion the kids and I could remain in the house. I’d supplement my spousal and child support with whatever job I managed to find. We wouldn’t be living on anywhere close to what we used to have, but hopefully once the bills were split up and I was no longer responsible for 100% of everything we would be okay with less money. Oh, and did I mention I had a nest egg of about $10,000 back then? Yeah, until he started pulling his shit and stopped paying his support.

He paid five months of support in 2016. He paid the first five months. I only received 2 payments via direct deposit. Then he quit his job to run off to Ohio so he could be closer to his whore cousin. After that when I actually got the support check was anyone’s guess. What ended up happening is I would pay the bills from my nest egg and he would essentially pay me back.

I’m not going to count any back support payments. I will fully admit he has eventually paid in full, under the threat of a $10,000 fine levied by the judge. But, finally getting back support isn’t the same as getting what you’re supposed to receive each month.

In 2017 he paid two months out of twelve. After receiving my back support in April for the rest of 2016 and the first month of 2017 he made one full payment of his court modified support. The judge gave him a $3000 reduction in support and he still didn’t pay what he was supposed to.

He paid whatever amount he felt like paying, whenever he felt like paying it between May and November. I had two separate checks stopped and another one that bounced in that small timeframe. The most I ever received until the final judgement was handed down was a little over $2000. He was ordered to pay me $3600.

He also made a full payment in December of that year after he received the judge’s orders. That was the month of the infamous, “You should have a very nice Christmas because I just had to pay your mom a billion kajillion dollars and I will be paying that every month for the rest of my life! Plus, your mom is a whore and she’s doing the exact same thing I did.”

2018 turned out to be a decent year. He actually paid in full. Oh, again he paid whenever he felt like it. April was a bit rocky with him not being paid up until May. There were lots of snide comments and once June hit he slashed child support in half. But I’ll give him credit for the full year. In his mind he was paying all he owed. According to the court order he only accurately paid his support another five months.

I was hopeful that once the judge issued his final order Jerry Lee might stop fucking around. No such luck. I got my full support in January. I haven’t received full spousal support since then. So, he managed one month out of twelve. This has been his worst year ever.

Shall we review? 2016 he paid five months out of twelve. 2017 he paid 2 months out of twelve. 2018 he finally paid all twelve months. Unless you dock him for self-modifying child support, in which case he again paid five months out of twelve. This year he’s paid one month out of twelve and if we’re not giving credit because he hasn’t modified the court order, he’s down to zero months out of twelve.

I am praying and crossing my fingers and lighting candles that the universe takes care of this piece of shit, this sorry excuse for a human being. I so want to stand here in another 6 months or so and tell everyone that he got his ass handed to him once again. I want to be able to say that Mississippi assessed his child support at $1200/month or more. I want to be able to say they assessed his arrears at over $15,000. I want to be able to say our original judge ordered him to liquidate his 401k to pay me the legal fees and fined him on top of it because he was sick of him defying his orders. I want to be able to tell you his bank account got frozen and his tax refund was confiscated and given to me. I want to tell you that his life is spiraling out of control and he’s having to work an additional job or cut back drastically on expenses in order to make it work.

I’m not confident that any of that will happen. He always seems to circumvent justice. A girl can dream though.

Meanwhile, I had completely forgotten that Rock Star needs rent money. She’s got $25 in her account, won’t get paid for another two weeks, and needs money for groceries and gas. So, while I thought I had a nest egg in my primary account of about $1400-$1500, it turns out it’s only for around $900-$1000. On top of that, all the bills I will pay with my most recent paycheck are taken out automatically and they haven’t been deducted yet, so that’s another $350 or so coming out of my account. The cherry on top? She’s got another sorority bill due on December 10th.

Good times, good times. Yep, let’s go bake some Christmas cookies. Happy holidays everyone!

P.S. That motherfucker is not going to break me. I will survive this even if I have to drive out to California and serve his employers at their main office myself. Even if I have to take even more money out of my 401k to survive until they garnish his worthless, pathetic ass. I will not stop fighting for what is mine. If anyone’s going to break it’s going to be him.

The Cardboard King Vs. the Potato Chip Squire

Sweet baby Jesus! I just wrote a five part series about the beauty of maintaining no contact and now I need to remember that advice desperately; I need to commit that shit to memory. This is me taking my own advice. I’m going to tell you my story and get it all out here on my blog so I don’t say something to that colossal asshat I was once married to. Believe me I am dying to let loose on him.

“What’s happened, Sam?”, I can hear you all asking.

I don’t want to talk about it.

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, you know me so much better than that. Of course I’m going to tell you.

CF, aka The Cardboard King, finally sent me child support for July. You know how it is. He sends it when he feels like. He is completely in control.

You would think he couldn’t really pull any stunts with Venmo. I mean, back in the good ol’ days of snail mail we had the catchy little designs on the envelopes, the stop payments, the bounced checks. It was always an adventure. Then we switched to Zelle and that was pretty low key. Probably too low key for an asshole like him. I simply got an email from the bank notifying me of the transfer. Thanks to Rock Star losing my debit card we’re now doing Venmo and boy, is he having fun. You can write little messages so that people know why you’re paying them. Usually you see things like, “Bridesmaid dress”, or “Soccer dues”, or “Dinner and drinks”. Not so with him. You can even use emojis. CF really likes the emojis.

He must be furious that child support is going the way I said it would and not the way he decreed it would be.

You will take half, and no more. Read the papers, you worthless peasant! I am your master. Bow before me!

I’m all like, “Yeah, that doesn’t really work for me. Let me get back to you on that.”

And I did get back to him on that. Or rather my lawyer did. Surprise! I was right and he was wrong! For my efforts he invited me to a UFC fight!

I had received alimony from him but I figured he wouldn’t send a child support payment until he had the new order. You know, because it’s so much better to be hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars behind in child support rather than only a few hundred. He did surprise me, though. As I was leaving work, setting off to spend the weekend with the mobster I noticed he had sent a payment. Sometimes Venmo shows up on my home screen; sometimes it doesn’t. This time it didn’t and I happened to see it in email. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised, thinking he wouldn’t send another cent until he had a court order.

Then I see the message he wrote:

Child support July 2018 (original amount absent pending revisionist history).

Your attorney has not given me the new $$$ required to keep you and the Potato Chip Squire living comfortably and able to meet up. When that amount is determined… then the amount will change.

I will admit I completely missed the first line, which would have given me ample notice that this was not some joking around by the ex. Forgive me; I was distracted by all the emojis! The second line had me scratching my head. Nice little shield emoji but I kept thinking to myself, “Why is he calling Picasso the Potato Chip Squire?” My boy’s got a gaming problem but to the best of my knowledge he has no potato chip addiction. I had to read it two or three times before it finally dawned on me.

Oh! He’s referring to the mobster! My love!

Here’s the background: I was married to a man who would become a production manager at a corrugated plant. Corrugated, for those of you not in the know, is NOT the same as cardboard, which is why I’m referring to him as the Cardboard King. He HATES it when people call corrugated cardboard. For a quick lesson on the difference please refer to Google or Wikipedia. I’m not going into it. I do want to point out, however, that I was a dutiful wife and I listened to many stories over the years about corrugated, fluting, folder gluer machines, Flex-O machines, corrugators (not the same as corrugated) starch, and the like. I know the difference.

I am now dating a man who owns his own business. He has a route and sells crackers, chips, nuts and the like. Ergo, the Potato Chip Squire. If anything the man is more of a Pretzel Squire, I would imagine. Or maybe even a Knight of Crackers. Sir ToastChee has a nice ring to it, I think, although I am more partial to the peanut butter and honey combination.

How insulting! All of it- the implication that I use child support to go meet up with the mobster, trying to diss his job, accusing me of “revisionist” history.

So far I have let it go. I was going to reply as soon as I stopped for gas. But I have not. I keep repeating the mantra: Any kibbles are good kibbles to people like him. But I can reply here!

The problem with hitting him back hard is that I only get one shot, and as usual he has provided me with so much material.

Child support July 2018 (original amount absent pending revisionist history).

Revisionist history? Are you shitting me? Does the Boy Genius not realize that if child support was indeed supposed to decrease by half as he insisted it did that I would not be able to go back and recalculate it?

Hey, Dipshit! Yeah, you or any of your minions if they’ve managed to find my blog. Did you forget that you were imputed at $170,000? I know your law degree from Imaginary U must be stellar, but give me a minute to slowly explain something to you.

NOTHING has changed about our situation. There is no “revising history”. This is not me taking you back to court because you got a new job and make more money. You were never going to be allowed to simply cut child support in half. That is not the way child support works. You don’t pay $500 for one child, and $1000 for 2 children and $1500 for 3 children. Our incomes are added together, health insurance is thrown into the mix, and through the magic of court calculations a percentage of our income is allotted for child support. That’s for one kid. When you throw in a second kid you have a higher percentage going towards child support. But it’s never doubled or tripled or quadrupled, based upon the number of kids you have.

I will again point to Exhibit A, your own words, when you “man-splained” to me how support was going to work.

My lawyer told me I’ll be paying you $X until Rock Star graduates. Then it will be $Y until Picasso graduates, and then I will pay you $Z.

Your own lawyer told you three years ago it wouldn’t decrease by 50%. Now because I tell you the same thing you’re suddenly rebelling. Or maybe you just thought you could fuck me over once more. She’s so stupid she’ll never realize it’s not cut in half; all I’ll have to do is say so and she’ll believe me.

Or how’s this for revisionist history?

Back in December, crying to Rock Star:

2f25bs

The minute Rock Star graduates:

2f2636

Is that revisionist history or are you just a liar?

How about we go all the way back to the early days after DDay when you told me:

I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that. My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.

I’m not surprised that’s changed though. I don’t think you understand what a lifespan is, judging by how casually you toss out the phrases for life and the rest of my life.

Listen, Buckaroo, I’m sure you’re really disappointed that things aren’t going the way you thought they would. I realize you’ve got a whore to keep out of jail and she undoubtedly saw big dollar signs when your daughter graduated. $900 more per month for her to spend on her kids! Or on tanning! Or going on vacation! Or on a wedding! And then I have to come along and spoil it. #sorrynotsorry

Nice dig, trying to imply I’m extorting more money out of you (aka making you pay what you are legally required to instead of letting you call the shots) so that I can meet up with the mobster. Yes, because God knows it’s not like I now have to support two kids on less money. As I’m sure you know once Rock Star graduated she instantly became independent. A money tree sprung up in the backyard. Sadly, it appears to only let her pluck the bills off of it’s branches. I’ve got a goose that lays golden eggs and a pig that spits diamonds. We’ve also managed to find a tiny leprechaun that leaves gold coins on our pillows. I’d love to tell you more but I have to go feed my unicorn.

You know what the funny part is, people? I took a screenshot of his message and sent it to the mobster He had the exact same reaction that I did: Why is he calling Picasso the Potato Chip Squire?

We both were focused on the fact that child support is for the children. Not Cousinfucker, though. Nope, he’s all about keeping his money in his pocket. I couldn’t possibly be thinking about Rock Star and Picasso. Nope, it must be all about having enough money to meet up with the mobster.

With that in mind here are a few other retorts I would love to toss out. I chose to respond in meme.

2f27x6

2f285d

And my favorite (and the one I’m still debating replying with, sans meme, of course):

2f28tw

The mobster’s favorite retort to CF’s taunts?

2f2bfn

As for this nonsense: When that amount is determined… then the amount will change? 

Oh, Cardboard King, as my lawyer would say, you are cute as a button. Where did you get your law degree again?

I’m not a genius like he is but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. First of all, despite what he believes he doesn’t get to modify child support based on his own whims. That brings us to the second point. If he hasn’t modified child support, legally, then doesn’t he still owe me the full amount? Isn’t it standard that until the new contract is signed the old contract is still in effect?

I was telling this story to my hair stylist today and one of her co-workers was listening in as I told her how he had calculated child support for Rock Star down to the half hour and had cut support in half once she graduated. The poor woman sat there with a stunned expression on her face.

“Doesn’t he know that’s not the law? That’s not how it works!”

I nodded sympathetically. His antics are unbelievable for the uninitiated; I’m a pro at it by now. Nothing he says or does shocks me. I assured her that he is the smartest man in the world; he knows everything. He doesn’t need no stinkin’ judge, or petty ass court order telling him what to do! He is in charge! He makes the rules and tells me how it’s going to be; I need to shut up, sit down and follow along with whatever he says.

2f2bla

.

The Money Game

I absolutely hate communicating with CF in any way. As expected the first bi-weekly payment didn’t arrive by Wednesday (the 17th). I’m tired of being passive about his non-payment so I texted. I wasn’t nearly as wordy as I originally thought I was going to have to be. I simply let him know I hadn’t received the check yet. Oh, I prefaced it with the reminder he had asked to pay bi-weekly and I agreed. I also acknowledged I didn’t know which Friday he was actually paid but regardless he had had enough time to send me the support check.

Oh my! You would have thought I’d been hounding him for months. He told me to “check [my] damn mailbox” and concluded with, “Greedy much.”

Yes, that’s me. Greedy ’til the very end. Actually expecting him to keep current on his support obligations? What a bitch! I guess since he finally sent his arrears he figured he didn’t need to pay again for a few months.

He proceeded to inform me that he had no idea why I didn’t have it, it wasn’t his fault if the post office didn’t get the mail to me on time and then let me know he hadn’t received proof that I had health insurance on the kids. That would be nice to see as well, he wrote.

Hmmmm… maybe I didn’t have it yet because he had mailed it the day before I sent the text! And had the audacity to act as though I was being unreasonable in reminding him.

I’m also going to disagree that it’s not his fault. Obviously, if you get paid on Friday and don’t bother to send a check until Tuesday it’s your fault the payee hasn’t gotten paid yet. Furthermore, even accepting his lame lie that he sent it on time, it may not be his *fault* I haven’t received the check but it certainly is his *problem*. I’m not sure how likely the judge is to believe the check just takes a really long time to get to me every month.

As for the snark about the proof of insurance- that was never required. Ask nicely and I will probably be willing to show you proof. Be an asshole and you can go fuck yourself. Guess which category he’s in?

He concludes his little rant with the following: You will have your “well deserved” funds in plenty of time before the month end. Don’t stress yourself out.

What a condescending little twat waffle! Yes, I’m “stressing myself out” by reminding him he owes me money and I haven’t received it.

I am a little curious about the quotation marks around well deserved. I’m wondering if that’s a clue he’s been hacking into yet another area of my life. I’m not sure I’ve ever described support as “well deserved” but perhaps I have. Or perhaps someone close to me did and that’s his little way of letting me know he’s everywhere.

Would you like to know how this story ends? I checked the mailbox that day at lunch (I sent the text on Wednesday and he didn’t reply until Thursday) and lo and behold there was a check! For $902.91- half of child support. No new images on the envelope. A few days later I get another check. This one was for $1400- half of spousal support. I must tell you he wrote on the memo line: Court ordered alimony. He must really resent that. This envelope had the same picture as the last alimony check.

20180128_181231

 

Does anyone out there in the blogosphere knows what the hell it means?

I just found out he sent yet another check for the other half of child support. I guess I’ll get the last $1400 on the last day of the month. So much for, “You will have your ‘well deserved’ funds in plenty of time before the month end.”

Is it just me or is he playing games? The judge orders him to pay in full on the 1st of the month. He has his lawyer ask me/my lawyer to allow him to pay bi-weekly because that’s how he gets paid. I agree to this. He then proceeds to pay me whenever he feels like (I still don’t know if he got paid on the 5th or the 12th). Instead of paying me the slightly less than half amount he asked to pay, he instead pays me the full half of child support. Days later he sends me the full half of spousal support, and another week or so later sends me the second half of child support, paying it in full.

Why even bother asking if he can pay it bi-weekly (remember this will be smaller payments every other week instead of the lump sum) if he’s just going to pay the full amount? My mom thinks it’s all about power. He wants to continue to play games and show everyone that no one is the boss of him. He’ll pay when and what he wants.

I know what everyone is thinking: Garnish his wages! I’ll tell all of you exactly what I told my mom and my brother. I don’t give a shit how he pays me so long as I’m paid in full each month. If he wants to think he’s driving me crazy by not paying until the second half of the month I’ll let him. No sweat off my back. He’d better not be late though because once the last day of the month rolls around with no check I’m going straight to whomever to get that shit garnished. One bounced check? One stopped payment? Garnishment.

Hell, this way he’s actually paying me the full amount. I also know that if I garnish his wages I won’t get as much as I’m getting when he pays me. Plus, I’m always waiting to see what new and fun designs he has for me on my envelopes. It makes my day!

Update: I got the second half of my alimony today! And there were no new images on the check. In fact, there was nothing on the check except my name. The memo line read simply: Alimony.

I wonder if he’s finally tired of playing games. Or maybe he’s given up trying to get a reaction out of me. Perhaps he is finally resigned to his fate.

Mark your calendars, folks. This is two months in a row that he has paid in full. That hasn’t happened since before he lost his job.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

Apparently I am robbing him blind! I got another check from Cousinfucker. Hooray! Let’s see if this one goes through before we celebrate. Another check for the child support portion. Nothing for spousal support. I guess he has absolved himself of paying spousal support. He doesn’t wanna so he’s not gonna!

The best part is he wrote the check on our anniversary. Nothing like paying out almost a grand to celebrate. Happy Anniversary, Cousinfucker!

I was wondering if I would get another grinch on my envelope. If not a grinch, what other mischievous Christmas character? Oh, he hit it out of the ballpark this time. He completely went off script and decided to go with this:

20171214_211208

That’s right, everyone! I’m robbing him blind because he’s having to pay me child support! Table support instead of the bullshit $800 he wanted to pay. Again, he’s not paying spousal support! He has declined to pay. He’s paying roughly what he would have been paying had he actually sent his four checks of $555.55 or $575. Actually, he’s paying less! Child support, people! He resents having to pay support for his own children.

He is so childish. The part that really galls me, though, is the fact that his lawyer asked if he could pay bi-weekly since that is how he gets paid. I agreed to it. I don’t care when I get paid so long as I do get paid. He can pay me all of it on the 1st, half on the 1st and half on the 15th, 25% each week, or break the yearly payments into 26 payments and pay them out every other week. I truly don’t care and so I agreed to what he wanted. I cut that sonofabitch a break, despite the fact that he doesn’t deserve a damn thing from me. In return he and/or the whore-bitch spit in my face.

I probably sound more upset than I really am. Yes, I continue to be amazed at their level of childishness but he can put whatever he wants on the envelopes so long as he continues to send me my money. Next step, of course, will be sending me the correct amount of money. Congrats! You’ve paid child support this month. You’re still $2800 behind on your spousal support obligation.

Then to up the ante I got a text from him. First time he’s texted since Rock Star got hurt way back in July.

Your attorney just gave me permission to take money out of MY 401(k) to pay the arrearage. Figured I should tell you since you have such a watchful eye on MY money.

BAER.  That’s Big Ass Eye Roll. Can you see it? So many things I’d like to say in reply.

  1. Don’t flatter yourself.
  2. Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.
  3. Tell it to the judge.
  4. So you’ll have the check in the mail by Monday?
  5. Can I be expecting the $25,000 you owe me in attorney fees as well when you get into that money?
  6. Terrific! Now your kids can have a decent Christmas. 6a. Or do you begrudge them that because it’s all supposed to go to your fake kids and your whore?
  7. I believe you meant to say MARITAL ASSETS. 7a. You’re welcome, btw. I moved all over the damn country and gave up countless lives to follow your unhappy little ass as you moved up the corporate ladder.
  8. Look, Jackass, it’s called discovery. I haven’t been keeping watch on anything except that which is rightfully mine. You’ve had the exact same access to my finances.
  9. I wouldn’t have to “keep an eye on your finances” if you did what you were supposed to do, i.e. paying your fucking support as ordered, and if you weren’t such a fucking liar and cheat. Have you forgotten the 401k you liquidated at the same time you were crying poverty? Bet you and Harley and her kids went someplace nice, bought something great, did something awesome. While your own kids suffered. Or the fact that you took out $50,000 instead of the $28,800 plus taxes you owed me? So yeah, I’m keeping an eye on you until I get what is legally and rightfully mine. Deal with it.
  10. You are not entitled to spend marital assets in any manner you wish, especially not on a whore and her kids. You are not entitled to list the whore as your beneficiary when you are still married to me. If this upsets you, deal with it, you big fucking crybaby. If you overspent when you shouldn’t have because you were in the middle of a legal proceeding then that is your problem. I didn’t do that to you. You did it to yourself.
  11. Cry me a fucking river.
  12. They’re called consequences. They are what happen when you dismantle a 20 year marriage for a whore.
  13. Did you really think the judge was going to buy your bullshit?
  14. I cry every day because you’re no longer in my life. I miss you sooooo much. Oh God, I can’t even type that out with a straight face. I burst out laughing.
  15. Awww… what’s the matter? Are you shocked that I no longer roll over and let you do whatever you want? As your wife I was pretty much, “Whatever you want, CF,” to keep the peace. I’m no longer your wife so I have no reason to placate you.
  16. Did you seriously think you were going to walk away with your finances intact? I’m thinking you’re not as smart as you think you are.
  17. You not happy? I thought Harley made you happy. Why don’t you go home, grab her, bend her over the couch and fuck her hard? Then while you’re driving into her balls deep you can scream out loud, “God, Harley, this pussy is sooooo worth $4600 a month! And my kids.” Yes, let’s not forget you tossed your kids aside for this whore. Hey, you got a couple of new ones, though, so it’s a wash.
  18. If you think you’re pissed off now just wait until you find out I’ve garnished your wages!
  19. No, everything you made up until this point is OURS. Everything you make from here on out is YOURS. Or Harley’s. Probably Harley’s. Good luck; you’re going to need it.
  20. I’m keeping an eye on you and your finances? I’m not the one hacking your Facebook page and sending nasty text messages to your whore. Who’s keeping an eye on who?
  21. Thanks!
  22. 1345zr
  23. 402ed105534627c22f5346301cf2e408

As the mobster likes to tell me: You are really getting under his skin.

You know what the funny part is? If he’d simply pay his court ordered support he’d never hear from me. Hell, he doesn’t hear from me anyway. I just email my lawyer and tell her he’s not paying and she begins filing for a show-cause hearing. He could go off with the new love of his life/soul mate and his brand new kids, living down in Kentucky right by his fucked up cheater sister and his witless mother both of whom set him and his cousin up and unintentionally set in motion his financial destruction.

I don’t want to communicate with him. I don’t care what he’s doing. Give me my damn money and you can do whatever the hell you want!

He’s the one that drags this out. He’s the one that continues to do whatever the hell he wants, despite what the judge has ordered.

If he was the one that hacked my Facebook page I wouldn’t be surprised to find out it set him off to find out that I wasn’t pining for him and wasn’t unhappy. I don’t know if he expected me to be by myself forever either because I was simply too hideous for anyone else to love or want, or if it just bruised his ego that I got over him and moved on with someone else. They were probably laughing it up, thinking that I was all alone and miserable and lo and behold! Oh shit! Sam’s happy! She’s got an amazing new man in her life. Where in the hell did this guy come from?

Then add to that the fact he got reamed by the judge in his ruling. I would like to think that things aren’t happy around the Cousinfucker/whore household right now. He’s pissed because he owes me a lot of money. She’s pissed because she thought he was going to be dropping a lot of money on her and her kids. Merry Christmas!

Oh it has been quite the journey but the payoff is definitely worth it. Now seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no big deal and 10 being his head explodes, how mad do you think he’s going to be when he finds out I’ve garnished his wages?

The Trolls Are Pissing Me Off

It’s another Friday and another visit from my resident troll. I’m sure a reaction is exactly what it’s looking for and I’m about ready to give it one!

The mobster informed me he received a strange text message. What kind of a strange text message, you ask? The kind of strange text message that calls him by name, congratulates him on his engagement and then proceeds to “let him know” that they’ve seen his fiancee’s naked pictures all over the Internet on many different sites.

We did a reverse number look up and the mobster even called the number but it said it was not able to complete the number as dialed. I think it was a burner phone. The area code is from my state but at least 2 hours away from me.

This is reaching the level of harassment, right?

The talk of naked pictures makes me think once again that it is CF or Harley, probably Harley. What utter childishness. They fuck around and now they’re harassing me. Maybe my daughter is right and he really cannot stand to see me happy. Maybe he’s pissed that he hasn’t been able to break me with all his financial shenanigans. Or maybe it’s Harley and she’s downright pissed that her sugar daddy has run out of sugar. She is the one, afterall, that was talking to someone about the naked pictures of me that CF supposedly showed her.

Once again I don’t really care about their stupid childishness. They can congratulate the mobster on his engagement (we’re not, btw). They can try to out me on Facebook. I really don’t give a shit. I haven’t done anything I’m ashamed of. I am, however, more than a little bit weirded out by the information they are able to dig up.

So far I have changed my password, set my alerts to be notified if I’m signing in from a strange device, no longer am able to sign in by clicking on my profile picture, and have logged out of every device that Facebook shows me being logged in to.

If any of you have any definitive ways of sniffing out the truth in situations like these hit me up with them. I’m all ears!

Shaking My Head

I honestly don’t know what goes through the mind of a cheater but I’ve got a pretty good idea, thanks to clicking on various links. The thought process defies logic.

Chump Lady is often accused of being single minded and lumping all cheaters together. Most of the people who have a problem with this are cheaters themselves, or people who want to reconcile with a cheater because they don’t want to believe their cheater is not super special. I’ve got to say though that she is remarkably dead on. Seriously! Read the cheater blogs. Read the other woman blogs. They all say basically the same thing. I’m sure the same thing could be said about those who’ve been betrayed.

We probably all come across as shrill, bitter, sexless people who deserved to be cheated on because we’re guilty of denying the cheater his or her happiness. Remember- happiness trumps everything! Don’t worry about who all you hurt or any of the destruction you cause. Your happiness is the only thing that matters.

Oh, probably those who have been cheated on but who bend over backwards to appease the cheater and their AP aren’t considered bitter. No, they’re considered to be enlightened.

I read the comments sometimes on the other sites and I think, “Holy cow! This is exactly what they mean when they refer to Dr. Simon and his whole: It’s not that they don’t see; it’s that they disagree philosophy.”

Someone who has gleefully been deceiving his or her spouse for months, writing about it in detail, talking about how the spouse falls short in every category while the AP (or APs, as the case may be) is the most wonderful, perfect person on the planet who understands him/her and is his/her soul mate, gets caught and now shit has hit the fan. What do commenters say? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope it works out between you and your AP. Oh wait! That’s what they say while the writer is embroiled in the affair. I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. Love is so precious. You deserve to be loved. You need to explore this connection or you’ll regret it forever. You two are meant to be.

Apparently those that are betrayed don’t deserve a damn thing. We’re collateral damage in the quest for happiness.

I’ve seen comments where they tell the writer that they are so sorry the cheater is in so much pain. Why? They’ve brought it upon themselves. If you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for the cuckolded spouse! Feel sorry for the spouse who finds his or her life falling apart once the truth is revealed. Feel sorry for the kids who are watching their family be destroyed. You can feel especially sorry for those kids if they’ve had to move out of the family home and/or leave the area and their school/friends/lives behind. Those are the people who deserve your sympathy. Not the person who has been going out and fucking strangers. Oh, I’m sorry. Fucking the new soul mate.

They speak of open marriages. Yes, that’s a brilliant solution. The cheater can still have the spouse appliance who takes care of the nitty gritty and have as many fuck buddies as he or she wishes. What a great idea! Hey, what does the betrayed spouse get? STD testing?

I always love this request for an open marriage. It seems to me that most people who are asking for one don’t quite grasp that there are rules to an open marriage as well. It’s not a free for all pussy fest (or dick fest, as the case may be). If you can’t obey a simple marriage vow that says you won’t fuck another person I’m not sure how you can handle a whole new set of rules. Or that you would even be willing to follow those rules.

No, what I think happens is the cheater thinks, “Oh! An open marriage. Now that’s something I could use. My wife can still do all her wifely duties. I won’t lose time with my kids (if that’s even something that concerns me). I won’t have to live on half of my paycheck, or forego using the wife’s if she makes more than me. I don’t lose half my 401k or any of my other retirement accounts. I don’t have to split up household items or possibly move out of the family home. And I can still go out and fuck anything that moves. All the perks of being single and none of the responsibilities. Yes! Let’s do an open marriage.

What else do you get when a cheater has been caught? Well, there’s this idea that it’s a damn shame that the cheated on spouse is making this whole thing such a public affair, no pun intended. Yes, because the problem isn’t what the lying, cheating spouse did; it’s how the lied to, cheated on spouse reacted!

I know this is way too simple for most people to believe it actually works, but if you don’t want people to know you’re a lying cheater try not lying and cheating. If you want to fuck anything that moves and deceive your spouse then pull on your big boy or girl pants and face the music. Stop whining and acting like you are the poor, aggrieved victim. You are not. You are the perpetrator.

Chump Lady was also correct when she said that cheaters take it for granted that reconciliation is always on the table and that they like controlling the flow of information.

Information is power and most of the cheater apologist’s are quick to point out when one of them is sharing too much. Don’t give all the details! Don’t tell her/him everything! Don’t be so transparent! Look to Esther Perel for advice on cheating! Sharing too many details just hurts your spouse so you’re doing him or her a favor by not not being completely honest.

Bullshit! That is image management at its finest. Not sharing the details because “it would hurt my spouse” is a load of crap. You don’t share the details because you don’t want them to know certain things. You like having the upper hand. You like keeping this poor deceived person in the dark. You don’t tell the truth because it benefits YOU!

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. It’s over now.

is a lot different from

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. When I told you I was staying late at the office I was actually meeting with her at the restaurant we go to every year for our anniversary. I’ve introduced her to all our mutual friends and they accepted her; we hung out with them, in fact. I’ve had her over to the house and she’s worn your clothes and we had sex in our bed. We’ve made plans to get married and be together forever. I told her all your secrets and complained about all of your flaws to her. She knows everything about you. We had sex two and three times every time we were together. She does x, y, and z, which you never did. I think I’m in love with her and cutting her off is killing me.

In the first situation you can play dumb and might still have a chance at saving your marriage. In the second situation you’ve got a lot to answer to. You no longer have the advantage of knowing everything and keeping your spouse in the dark. It’s a lot harder to convince your wife that Janet meant nothing when she knows the full story and the depth of your deception than when all she knows is you were fucking Janet for four months

So please, save the bullshit about wanting to protect the spouse you lied to and cheated on from anymore hurt. You want to protect your own ass.

And for the love of God, STOP with the “I don’t want to hurt my spouse anymore than I have.” The hurt you have caused already is tremendous. It’s like a murderer saying, “I don’t want to kill this person anymore than I already have.”

As for possibly not wanting to reconcile if your spouse outs your affair to anyone and everyone… well, aren’t you just full of your cheating self? You are taking it for granted that your spouse actually wants your lying, cheating self back. Naturally, once you let this person know you’ve been out fucking someone new YOU have a choice to make. YOU get to take your time and decide whether or not their behavior was appropriate enough for you to accept their request of reconciliation.

If you have cheated on your spouse and you truly desire to reconcile you will take whatever anger and fallout comes your way. You will accept that others may know what you’ve done and judge you. You will accept all of that as the price you pay to reconcile after you’ve cheated and deceived.

Finally, I’ve sat there slack jawed as I read various cheaters talk of standing by their spouse’s side should something awful happen to him or her. Are you fucking kidding me? I can assure everyone out there reading that if I were to be diagnosed with cancer or be in some sort of awful accident, Cousinfucker is the LAST person I would want by my side.

In fact, if I were unconscious and he were stupid enough to come sit by my bed, when I woke from my coma I would stab him with a damn scalpel. DO NOT lie to me, cheat on me, and destroy my life and then try to preserve your image by “standing by me”.

Granted, I know what a liar CF is but how devastating would it be to find out your spouse, who was by your side throughout your entire medical crisis, was actually cheating on you and lying to you that entire time? Disgusting!

At least I’m honest when I gleefully point out to others that should something befall Cousinfucker I would be the person tasked with deciding whether or not to discontinue life support or to make all medical decisions. I don’t dress it up as, “Oh, he’s my husband, the father of my children. Of course I would stand by him if anything bad were to happen.” No, you’d hear something like this:

Doctor, we need to discontinue life support.

M’am, it’s a sprained ankle.

Look, he wouldn’t want to live like this. Pull the plug!

Mrs. Cousinfucker, it’s not a life threatening injury!

I’m also not much touched by their fervent claims that they will always do right by the disrespected spouse because he or she is the father/mother of their children. Who cares? It obviously didn’t mean enough for you to not cheat on your spouse so why tout it as so powerful now? As I remarked about CF telling our kids that I was a good mother, “Who the fuck cares?” Him saying that was about the lowest compliment he could ever give me. I’m a good mom. I sure the fuck hope so considering the fact that you abandoned your children for a whore and left them with me. What? If I’d been a bad mom you would have tried to take them with you when you ran off with the whore? Or you wouldn’t have fucked a whore if I’d been a bad mom?

They are so full of shit. The excuses, the romanticizing the affairs, the bullshit… it’s almost too much to take. Yet it’s oddly comforting because you realize that they all pretty much follow the same script, and they’re all pretty much self-centered whiny babies who think only of themselves and whatever it is they want.

1myyfx

Judge Not!

I just love cheaters, their cheating partners and all of their apologists. Okay, I don’t. That was a heavy dose of sarcasm. You got me!

I do find it interesting how they are all so much alike. And I love their poor pitiful reaction to being judged. How dare we? People just need to be a little more open minded. Because apparently if you’re open minded you’re fine with people lying and cheating. Oh, you’re probably not okay with them lying to and cheating on YOU but you are very okay with them doing that to someone else.

I find that to be one of the most interesting things that they complain about. It’s almost like lying and cheating aren’t really the problem. The problem is judging liars and cheaters.

Oh you’ve been lying to your wife and cheating on her? That’s no big deal. No judgement here from me. I’m all about being open minded and seeing all the various shades of gray.

What? There are people out there who won’t talk to you anymore because you’re fucking another woman who happens to not be your wife? Your kids won’t have anything to do with you? Your wife refuses to be friends now that you’ve discarded her like yesterday’s trash? Excuse me. I mean now that you’ve set her free to find her own happiness. There are people who tell you that what you’ve done is wrong? How dare they? THAT is so WRONG! How can they judge you? Don’t they realize affairs aren’t black and white? They are all sorts of shades of gray. In fact, life is gray. That’s why you’re so unhappy and need to cheat on your wife. Because cheating and lying make you happy and you deserve to be happy. And your wife probably deserved to be cheated on. Look at her behavior upon finding out the truth. She won’t be friends with you! There is definitely something wrong with that woman! I can’t believe there are people out there that still believe cheating on your spouse is wrong. Don’t they realize there are all sorts of REASONS a person might cheat? Seriously! If you have a really good reason then it’s okay!

Yes, folks, the problem isn’t with the people who lie to and cheat on their spouses. No, the problem is with the people who have the audacity to tell those people that they are doing something wrong and they are not good people. Those are the real villains and cheaters and their apologists will never forget to remind you of that.

Cold Hard Reality Sneaks Up

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a loyal Chump Lady reader. I find her view on infidelity refreshing. She doesn’t make excuses for the cheaters. She doesn’t accept blame for their actions. I’m sure there are those that don’t like her black and white thinking, or the fact that she’s not very optimistic when it comes to reconciliation. I don’t march in total lockstep with her but I do agree with most of her viewpoints. I like reading the comments as well because so many others have endured something very similar to what I’m going through. I have a huge Word document that contains little nuggets of wisdom I’ve gleaned from her pages. So much of what is said there makes so much sense to me; it also tends to closely align with the way I believe. You read there for a while and you forget how the rest of the world views infidelity.

How do they view it? Let me count the ways. Read any online article and its comments or a blog by the affair participants and you’ll read about how it takes two, it (the affair) was a mistake, no one is perfect, she/he wasn’t meeting my needs, the poor dears just have such a high sex drive and the spouse can never keep up, there must have been problems in the marriage, happy people don’t cheat (i.e. it must have been the spouse’s fault), monogamy isn’t natural, people are so judgmental of adulterers, adultery has been around as long as time so it must be natural to cheat, and affairs can make you a better spouse/parent because you’re happier. That’s just for starters. There is also the ever popular: She must have let herself go, she gained weight, she withheld sex, she doesn’t know how to take care of her man…

What a load of shit. The whole “letting herself go” kills me. Yes, because only fat, ugly women get cheated on. Maybe someone should let Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Halle Berry, Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon and Eva Longoria know they need to take better care of themselves. You’ve let yourself go, ladies!

I’m also a big fan of the withholding sex/not enough sex excuse. First of all, over the years I’ve read comments from a lot of women who were absolutely stunned that their husbands had enough time and energy to have an affair because they were getting it at home every day or every other day. I know of a woman whose advice was to give it up whenever he wanted, even if you didn’t feel like it because if you didn’t he would go looking for it elsewhere. Guess what? Her husband still cheated. Fathered a child with his mistress, in fact. I’ve already recounted how my own little cousin fucking sociopath told everyone we hadn’t had sex in ten years. Hey, current and potential mistresses? The thing about cheaters? They lie. So while you may think you’re saving the poor soul from a sexless marriage chances are he’s a lying sack of shit.

Closely related is, “My spouse is not meeting my needs.” Oh well, then by all means go out and fuck someone else! You are entitled to it, my poor sad sausage! You know what else? If your boss isn’t meeting your request for a raise you should just steal from the company! You deserve it. Who is your boss to deny your request? What are they expecting when they won’t give you what you want?

We could extrapolate this to everything! I told her to shut up and not make me angry. What did she think was going to happen? You can’t fault me for slapping her around. Or: Hey, I paid a lot of money for that dinner and concert. She knew I was really into her. What did she think was going to happen at the end of the date, especially when she agreed to come inside my apartment? I deserved sex for everything I did for her. Sure, some judgmental people might call it rape, but I call it rewarding me for all that money I spent. Let’s try this one: The baby was crying. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t get him to stop so I shook him. You can’t blame me for that; anyone else would have done the same thing! Or my personal favorite: He cheated on me so I ran him down with my car. What did he think was going to happen?

Funny observation here… you know what’s even older than adultery? Murder. And yet I’m pretty sure none of the cheaters out there would find it understandable if their spouse actually did kill them. I certainly don’t see them defending the act with the same vim and vigor that they excuse cheating because “he/she wasn’t meeting my needs.” Another funny observation… Thanks to all my ID TV viewing it seems it’s usually the cheaters who kill their partners and not the other way around. Because they’re entitled fuckwits who don’t care who gets hurt so long as they get what they want. They don’t think they should have to lose anything so it’s easier to just kill off the discarded partner instead of divorcing and taking whatever consequences happen to hit them in the face.

Newsflash! People in happy marriage DO cheat. Some people just like knowing they are getting one over on their spouse. They like a pussy or dick buffet. No matter how happy or satisfied, no matter how well fucked, they will still mess around because they like it. It is fun for them. It is all in the thrill of the deception.

It also does not take two people to destroy a marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work; it only takes one to destroy it. Well, I suppose if you also count the whore who is willing to sleep with another person’s spouse then yes, it does take two. But we all know when a person says that they are referring to the husband and wife both needing to participate in the destruction. This is also the point in the discussion where I like to point out that if I couldn’t make my cousinfucker eat a turnip then I couldn’t be expected to make him be faithful.

No marriage is perfect; therefore, every marriage is going to have problems. Cheating does not solve them. It adds to them. Furthermore, there are many things you can do if you are experiencing problems in your marriage. Counseling, talking, and divorcing are a few of those. Having an affair is not a great solution. It is a selfish move and it is no excuse. I know there will be those who say, “But we’ve tried counseling! I’ve tried telling him/her what the problem is/what I need but my spouse never listens. Nothing ever changes.” This is your chance to be a big boy or girl and actually file for that divorce. If you’re so miserable you are looking to fuck another person then I would think you were miserable enough to actually file for a divorce and attempt to start a new life. Grow up and act like a damn adult instead of a toddler throwing a tantrum! Get out when you realize you’re unhappy and nothing is going to change instead of waiting until you have a new warm bed to fall into. I don’t care how horrible your spouse was; when you wait until you have someone new lined up you will always be the the one in the wrong. Nothing they did or didn’t do will compare to what you’ve now done.

I think my quartet of favorites, though, might be the “it was a mistake,” “it just happened,” “no one is perfect” and “people are so judgmental” justifications. No one is perfect? Really? Here I thought if I was the perfect wife, married to the perfect man, raising the perfect children in the perfect house then I would have the perfect life! Can you see my eyes rolling so far back in my head that I can actually see the dinosaurs? Do you honestly think you need to be perfect in order to not cheat on your spouse? Seriously? That’s the bar we’ve set now, is it? In order to keep your dick in your pants or to keep dicks from falling into your vagina, you must be perfect. Everyone else fucks indiscriminately! Ridiculous! You know who thinks you need to be perfect in order to not cheat on your spouse? Entitled, cake eating fuckwits, that’s who!

Furthermore, no the affair did not “just happen” and it was not “a mistake”. You weren’t walking along and happened to trip onto someone’s nether regions. There were conscious decisions and well thought out deceptions that occurred all along. I wrote something similar about that here.

I’m going to paraphrase Chump Lady: A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk on your way home, or buying Charmin Extra Strong instead of Charmin Extra Soft; it’s not fucking another person. That is a deliberate choice!

When you find yourself getting a little too close and a little too attracted to someone who is not your spouse, that’s your moment to sever ties and get your head out of your ass. If you decide to keep this “friendship” going then you have made a choice and you can no longer say the affair “just happened” or that it “was a mistake”. No, you nurtured it. You chose it. If it was “a mistake” like you wish to claim then it was “a mistake” you willingly made.

Every lie you tell your spouse in order to carry on your relationship with this new person is a deliberate deception. It is not something that “just happened.” You don’t mistakenly tell lies in order to carry on a relationship that you know would be painful to your spouse.

There are many choices leading up to an actual affair and you chose each and every one of them, so please, now that you’ve been caught do not insult my intelligence with your “it just happened” and “it was a mistake” nonsense. “A” mistake would be a single mistake. A single time you mixed up the Charmin Extra Strong with the Charmin Extra Soft. An affair is multiple “mistakes”- each and every lie, each and every choice to do the wrong thing, each and every act. It is deliberating gas lighting your spouse, manipulating them, deceiving them. And it didn’t “just happen.” It was well thought out and meticulously planned.

Again, I really doubt anyone would believe me if I was in court explaining, “I don’t know why I ran him over with my car. Repeatedly. It just happened! I had no control over it. One minute I’m on the sidewalk, talking to him and the next, BOOM, I’m behind the wheel of the car running his pathetic ass over. It was a huge mistake; I’m so sorry! Hey, no one’s perfect!”

I would take on the “people are so judgmental” blame shifting but unfortunately, every time I try all I can hear is, “Whaaaaa! Whaaaaa!” Poor little babies. Out there fucking other people and no one is willing to understand their pain and sympathize.

I know this doesn’t describe every cheater but it does describe mine and many others. He cheats on me, abandons his kids, quits his job, plays victim, tries to get out of paying a generous child and spousal support order, tries to skirt any and all of his financial obligations, and instead of giving me a very generous settlement agreement so that he can begin his new life with the whore he instead tries to fuck me over, and yet I’m the one who needs to work on my social skills! Don’t be so judgmental, Sam! Gosh, it’s not like you’re perfect!

Does it ever occur to these self-absorbed whining babies that maybe they should be judged? That maybe they are doing awful things? That maybe they are not making the best choices? Of course not! That would actually mean taking responsibility for their own shitty behavior instead of shifting it off onto the spouse they shit all over.

Hearing that having an affair makes you a better spouse (or parent) is another one of those senseless things that tend to come out of cheaters’ mouths. Yes, and as Chump Lady likes to say, breaking your knee caps improves your tennis game! My home catching on fire tends to help me with my cluttering issues! Abandoning your children makes you a better parent! Totaling your car makes you a better driver! I could do this all day. Ah, but the cheater did say that it makes them a better spouse because they’re happier. I guess that’s one of those: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy kinda things.

The problem with this is that once again the cheater is only concerned with his or her own happiness. Let’s face it; they don’t really give a shit if the cheated on spouse is happy. Nor do they really care about their children’s happiness. They care about whether or not they are happy. If they bring someone into your life who ends up being a bunny boiling psychopath… hey, that bunny boiler was fantastic in bed and it made them happy… so why complain about the fact you now need a restraining order against her and can’t let your kids out of your sight for fear she’ll abduct or hurt them? If they end up giving you an incurable STD, hey, at least they were happy! If that STD causes you to lose your baby in your 5th month of pregnancy…. come on, can’t you focus on the fact that he was happy, dammit! Have you never made a mistake? Oh no; I’ll bet you’re perfect!

If they end up spending thousands, or hundreds of thousands on the affair partner, or plowing through all of the marital assets, leaving you and your children in poverty, you shouldn’t be upset about that. No, be happy for them because they’re happy. Your marriage is going to be so much better now!

Hmmm… I’ll have to ask my kids if their daddy being happy makes them happy. I’m not quite sure that the tradeoff was worth it. On one hand Dad’s getting his dick sucked regularly; on the other hand my kids have seen their entire lives as they knew it dissolve in an instant. It’s such a tough call.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and declare that all the spouses who have been killed by cheating spouses are not happy. I will further declare that their loved ones are also not happy. They don’t give a rat’s ass about the cheater’s happiness.

Finally, they love to declare that monogamy is not natural; therefore, cheating is natural and to be expected. Do you know what else isn’t natural? Shitting in an indoor toilet that you then flush. Electricity. Heart transplants. Vaccines. Penicillin. Not dying in childbirth when the baby can’t squeeze through the birth canal. Alarm clocks. Birth control. Living in spite of having diabetes. Vacuum cleaners. Microwaves. Keurigs. Surviving cancer. Washing your hands to prevent the spread of germs. Women voting.

Those are all modern inventions. How many cheaters wish to do without them?

As far as how animals work things out in the wild… well, let’s say you go leave to be with your new and improved lover. In the wild when a new alpha male takes over he tends to kill the offspring of the previous alpha. Are you good with your children being killed off? Because that’s what happens naturally. In nature.

Furthermore, it’s not like you don’t know what you’re signing up for. Very few people are actually forced to get married, or to marry someone not of their own choosing. Remaining single and fucking everything that moves is certainly an option. I know; if you choose that option who is going to take care of you? Who is going to help finance your 401k or your savings account? Who will watch the children, walk the dogs, do the laundry, and give you the appearance of wholesome family man or woman? Hey, those spouse appliances are extremely useful! I know it’s a trade-off- someone there to share the burdens of life with you versus living a single life with a variety of sexual partners, but it is a choice you can make if you find monogamy so “unnatural” and difficult to follow.

Or, here’s another crazy idea. I personally would never go for a marriage where my husband was free to fuck around, but some people have those arrangements. If you want a smorgasbord of pussy or dick let’s try something unique. It’s called honesty. Before you ask this person to marry you, and certainly before any vows are said, let the person know you need a variety of private parts to keep you happy.

Sadly, that ruins the thrill for many cheaters. No more lies. No more deception. No more sneaking around behind the betrayed spouse’s back. It’s just not fun if you have permission. Plus, if you agree that you both can screw around, well, that puts you on equal ground and we can’t have that. What happens if the spouse decides he or she likes one of the conquests better? What if screwing someone else makes your spouse realize everything you lack? What if they’re out screwing some random conquest and they’re not around to iron your shirts or make your dinner or work on your car or mow the yard or show up and smile at the company Christmas party?

Besides, even in open marriages there are rules. Cheaters don’t like rules. So if the rule is you can’t see someone more than 3 times, or you must use protection or no kissing or whatever the rule may be, the cheater is going to break it, because they like getting one over on others.

It’s too bad that the same old excuses keep making the rounds and that’s the dominant voice. My hope is that eventually the voice of Chump Lady and Chump Nation will be the dominant voice and we can put these sorry excuses to bed (pardon the pun) once and for all.

For. The. Love!

Pardon me while I rant a bit. I apologize in advance to any of my male readers because I’m not going to do my usual man/woman, he/she, husband/wife stuff that I normally do. Why? Because the comments I’m seeing are from men, husbands. I have yet to read a blog by a woman who laments that her husband has not made her his entire focus. Gets a little pissed when he’s out drinking at all hours, every night during the week, with buddies? Upset when he spends every weekend doing one of his hobbies instead of spending anytime with her and the kids? Sure. But upset that he talks to his parents or doesn’t spend every waking hour glued to her side? No. I will concede that there are probably women out there like that. Tracie Andrews comes to mind. But I haven’t read any of their blogs so today it’s all about those men who whine and whine because their wives have friends, family, work, kids, and other things to do.

What the hell is up with this? In the recent days I’ve seen men lament the fact that their wives aren’t devoting 100% of their attention to them. I’m hearing, “I have needs,” and “I wish we could just have sex every day and she would ignore everyone around else and focus on me, Me, ME!” There is, of course, the obligatory, “My wife pours all of her attention into our kids.” Hey- here’s an idea. Maybe if these whining men would actually help out with the kids the wife could devote more time to them!

There was even lamentation that the wife had a family that she liked to talk to! She had friends she did things with! That bitch! Sometimes the wife even has ill or dying parents, sometimes it’s the husband’s parents that are ill and she’s still the one taking care of them while he complains that these dying people are taking attention away from him. Doesn’t she realize she has a husband and she should drown out the sounds of everyone and everything to attend to his every whim whenever and wherever he needs?

Hey, men! She’s your wife; not your girlfriend. I thought I covered it pretty thoroughly in my post with the same name. If you want someone devoted to you and your every need don’t get married. Continue to date endlessly and only see each other 3-4 times a week. It will keep the spark alive and she’ll be able to focus solely on you whenever the two of you are together!

I’m sure I come across jaded but I prefer to think of it as reality. One more time for those still complaining… Your relationship is going to change. It is inevitable. When you first meet someone it’s all fireworks and chemistry and passion. That doesn’t last. It never lasts. Even in great relationships reality begins to intrude. You have kids. You need to pay bills. You get a pet or two. You’re running kids around. In some cases you have children who end up needing more of your time and energy because of mental health issues, addiction, health problems, etc. Parents get older and need more help. People go back to school. People change jobs. You move. You have bad jobs, sucky bosses, family members die.

Putting all that aside there is a difference between dating and marriage. When you’re dating you are putting your best face forward. You laugh at the corny jokes. The bad habits don’t annoy you, yes because you’re madly in love so it’s no big deal, but mainly because those bad habits are new and you think you can put up with them. Ten, fifteen, twenty years later you might not be so understanding. You don’t see each other every day so every encounter is new and exciting. All her attention is focused on YOU because everything is NEW! She dresses up, she does her hair and make-up, she shaves her legs. Again, because every encounter is an event. It’s not everyday life.

And sex? No matter how fantastic it may continue to be, years with the same person is not going to be as exciting as that first time. No matter how great the sex may be it’s still not sex with a different person.

I think what bugs me the most is all this neediness. These men are demanding attention like little toddlers. I still remember the day I spent upstairs in the bedroom with CF. We did nothing except watch TV and he was probably laying all over me. He began crying and then told me that this was the best day of his life because I had spent the entire day glued to his side. I don’t have that kind of time and energy. It was mentally exhausting. It all harks back to, “Make me happy!” Dude, I’m not responsible for your happiness. You control that. So please, for the love of all that’s holy, grow the fuck up!

Being married brings with it adult situations. It’s not all fun and games. It’s too bad they don’t discuss that in school. It’s not one long date. You live together. You see each other in the morning before hair and make-up is done and when you have morning breath. You see each other when one of you is puking in the toilet or when one of you has gas or cramps. You see each other when you’re in a bad mood, or you’re sad, or you’re pissed. It’s years and years of living together, seeing each other at your worst, going through tough situations, supporting each other. It’s celebrating milestones together, buying and selling homes together, moving, consoling each other at the deaths of your parents, raising children and pets, discussing bills and taxes, negotiating all of life’s daily time sucks. The hot monkey sex, if you’re lucky enough to have that? That’s a part of the marriage. It’s not the entire marriage. Being your wife’s sole focus? That’s a fantasy. If you really want someone like that you’re going to end up with someone like Tracie Andrews! She’s not a balanced person. I can’t imagine the pressure of being everything to someone. Having friends, interacting with family, getting out into the community, having hobbies are all good things! If you’re much past the age of 5 and you’re still demanding someone focus on you 100% whenever you’re around you’re pretty much an entitled narcissist. Again, grow the fuck up!