Merry Christmas, Love Dad

A Christmas miracle has occurred! Picasso and Rock Star both got envelopes in the mail from their dad. Same day! This never happens! The last time it did happen was December of 2015 when he could leave their gift cards for them. I honestly no longer remember if he put them in the mailbox or if he left them on the kitchen island, not that it matters anymore.

Another Christmas miracle- he used his real address! He didn’t try to hide out like he was still living in Kentucky. Nope, he put that fancy address on the envelope this year. I guess he figured the cat was out of the bag. No use hiding.

Strangely, he listed the return address as “The Jackasses” instead of using his full name (Jerry Lee Jackass), or only his last name. I don’t know if that was his way of finally telling the kids he got married or if it was an oversight on his part.

He sent them both a Visa gift card. Nothing else in the envelope. Not a card. Not a letter. No, “I miss you,” or, “I love you.” Not even a “Merry Christmas!” on the flap of the envelope. As Picasso said, “Good to know how much he loves us. Couldn’t even bother to wish us a Merry Christmas. This is more like an obligation than an actual gift.”

Even better? The gift card was one of those where you determine how much you want to put on it. The card said you could choose from $5-$500. He didn’t bother to tell them how much was on it. Rock Star called the number and found out her dad gave them $50.

I know Christmas is not about the gifts and it’s not about how much money you spend. Yet I still shake my head and whisper, “Jesus Christ!” under my breath. This man makes over $100k a year. His cousin turned wife makes somewhere between $75,000-$90,000 a year (last records I saw she brought home $5000/month). He lives in a nice big house in the most sought after subdivision in Olive Branch. Pretty sure he’s driving a new car, too. I know damn well the mulligans did not get a mere $50 spent on them. This man who whines endlessly about how I’ve turned his children against him gifts them a $50 Visa gift card with not a word said to either of them.

I sat with a needle in my arm twice a week for the last four months so that I could give my kids the kind of Christmas they remember. I almost fainted one time. Another time I ended up with bruises on my arm and had to use the other one to donate.

The mobster who is not even their father spent over $100 on each of my kids. He gave me $100 to put towards Picasso’s computer and then ordered a $50 gift certificate to a nail salon for Rock Star, plus he gave her a stocking stuffed with another $50 or so worth of little odds and ends.

My mom undoubtedly spent right around $100 on each of them.

When my kids went down to see my dad my stepmom gave both kids a $100 bill.

Again, I know it’s not about the money or the gifts; however, he doesn’t do anything else for them either. Out of all of the adults in their lives, with the possible exception of my dad, Jerry Lee is the one with the most resources and yet he’s the one that chooses to spend the least. This was a total fuck you gift. Like Picasso said, it was an obligation. He can’t admit to giving them nothing so he gives the least amount he can.

My mouth is still hanging somewhat open at his audacity but as I told the mobster, “They’ll remember which one of us donated plasma twice a week for four months so they could have a great Christmas, and which one of us gave them $50.” I went to great lengths to make sure my kids got the things they wanted for Christmas. They know this. It’s not just the money but the sacrifice, the willingness to do whatever it takes to provide for them.

I will never forget the look on my son’s face when he walked downstairs and saw the computer he so badly coveted sitting there, instead of a few hundred dollars in his stocking knowing he was going to have to make up the difference.

I know how much Rock Star loves her stocking; she has said many times it’s her favorite part of Christmas. This year it was bangin’! She was thrilled with the cosmetics and skin care products she received, along with the gift certificate for a massage and her Air Pods.

Every hour I spent in that plasma center was worth it. Every stick was worth it. My kids are worth it. It’s sad he doesn’t realize that.

This is not my battle to fight. He is who is and his kids are going to have to accept that. I would say that he’s going to have to accept responsibility for the state of his relationship with them but I think we all know that’s not going to happen.

A Whole New Decade

Happy New Year! It’s 2020. Others say it’s the end of the decade. I say 2020 is actually the end. The new decade will begin next year in 2021. Sorry to rain on your parade. Nevertheless, isn’t this exciting? All those years watching the show 20/20 (which the mobster was on, btw) and thinking about how cool it would be when it finally was the year 2020. What would they call the show then?

I like to say that this will be the year of hindsight. The mobster says it’s the year of clarity. Yes, we are that obnoxious couple that laughs heartily at our own corny jokes.

I’d like to tell you I had an incredible New Year’s Eve. The fact is I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve. I feel like it’s one of those holidays where everyone wants you to think it’s this amazing time and everyone is having fun. I’ve never really had an amazing New Year’s Eve. Most of the time it’s disappointing and at best, it’s okay.

I think one of my best New Year’s Eve celebrations was back when we lived in Olive Branch and had a fairly large group of friends. We went over to another couple’s house along with a few other couples and we played board games and ate delicious food. It was low key and lovely.

Two years ago I was with the mobster. We were at WinterFest up at Liberty University. That was another good night, but mainly because of who I was with.

Last night I fell asleep sitting up on the couch at around 11:30. I woke up around 3:30 and crawled into bed. No ball drop for me this year.

I also don’t tend to make New Year’s resolutions. I know they are rarely achieved. I know they are mostly forgotten within the first few weeks of the new year. When I do make resolutions I like to keep them something easy, like moisturize more, floss more regularly. Sadly, I can’t even get the hang of the flossing thing.

I do, however, like the thought of choosing a word for the year. Anne wrote about it on her blog earlier this week.

I’m not sure if the outcome will be any different because there is still a goal but I like it. I’ve decided that my word for the year 2020 will not be hindsight, as I originally thought, but change.

I need change. The post I wrote the other day turned into a pity party. It’s very easy to fall into that pattern when I think back to all the time that has passed. It’s been four years since discard and I don’t have an amazing new life. I have an okay life.

I mean, the mobster is amazing. I definitely have a fantastic new partner in my life but that is not something I control, if that makes sense. If he up and leaves me that one fantastic part of my new life is over and done. I’m back to my life being “eh”. To be clear I don’t think he’s going to leave me any time soon, if ever, but unlike something such as going back to school or getting a new job, I have no control over the outcome of our relationship. It is dependent upon him and his desires as well.

I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my mom. I realize I’m very lucky to have a mom who is willing to house me and my kids and dogs. I realize I’m fortunate that I’m not dealing with kids on drugs or who are suicidal. They haven’t shunned me in favor of their father as some have experienced. All three of them are healthy, despite Rock Star’s recent repeat trips to the Urgent Care and ER.

I suppose I could heed Clarence’s words in “It’s a Wonderful Life”: Remember, no man (or woman) who has friends is a failure. I do have many remarkable friendships. That’s one of the things that has impressed the mobster. I do, and I’m very grateful for that, even if so many of them are so very far away.

I don’t want to give the impression that I have nothing to live for; however, there is much room for improvement. I want to be independent again. I realize I wasn’t ever truly independent once I married Jerry Lee. His job was what allowed us to live the way we did. It was never me. I can (and will) take credit for the fact that I was in the background doing what needed to be done and never prevented him from making those moves that afforded us a better lifestyle, but I never made the money.

I would like to either live in my own house with my own things once again, or live with the mobster, and know that if he leaves me I’ll be okay and can afford to be out on my own.

I would like to work at a job that pays me enough to live on. I realize that for what I make my car payment is way too expensive. We bought it less than a year before my life blew up. We took the longest loan with the smallest payment because we planned to use big chunks of his bonus check each year to pay it off. While the loan may have been for six years we planned to have it paid off in two or three. Nonetheless, it ended up being a $365 payment each month. That was fine when I was living on almost ten grand a month. Not so much when my entire paycheck for the 2 week period was somewhere between $550-$650.

I know this is long and rambling but my point is even dismissing my car payment I don’t have much to live on after the bills are paid. Once that is done and over I’ll have $640/month. Even paying off all of my credit cards still only nets me around $900/month. I have no rent or utilities to pay right now, so finding a place of my own with what I make would take every bit of that and probably more. My job does not pay me enough money to live on. Period. That needs to change.

I’ve mulled over career choices. I don’t know if going back to school for my Masters or a different degree is a viable option or not. I’ve given thought to going back to be a nurse, a forensic accountant, a teacher, a social worker, and a school guidance counselor. I’ve eliminated two of those.

Maybe 2020 will see me back in school. Maybe I’ll find something that pays more that doesn’t require a degree. Who knows. I just know it’s time for a change.

I need to lose weight. This isn’t the, “Oh, I want to fit back into my size 2 jeans,” kind of needing to lose weight. For the record, I was never a size 2, even at my thinnest. No, this is more of a, “I hate the way I look and feel and my blood pressure is out of control,” kind of needing to lose weight.

It’s the blood pressure thing more than anything. I used to have terrific blood pressure. I remember one time having my blood pressure taken and then the nurse took it a second time. Then she asked me if I was an endurance athlete because my blood pressure was so low. Even then I had to reply, “Do I look like I’m any kind of an athlete?”

I don’t remember for certain when it started to climb but I do know at my last exam before the discard it was higher than normal. But, the divorce diet led to a 20-25 pound weight loss and the next time I went in, which was December of 2015, my blood pressure was perfect. It’s definitely a weight thing.

My health is primary but I also hate the way I look anymore and the fact that I’m outgrowing the majority of my clothes.

The mobster would love to see me drink more water and less diet Coke. More change.

I still have running a marathon on my bucket list. Kinda tough to do when you don’t even run a mile.

I think about all the things I believe I would like to do- learn to play hockey, learn to knit and crochet. Wow- that was a shorter list than I thought. Still, those are things I could learn to do, even at my age.

Even in my current situation there can be financial change. Taking charge and making a huge effort to pay off everything I owe. Considering where I once was it’s not a lot. Considering how much I make it is a lot.

The big change I hope to see is finally having Jerry Lee garnished and finally taking him back to court for the court fees he owes. I’d like to have all of that behind me once and for all. No more need to text him to ask about payments. No more wondering when this would finally all be over. No more being frustrated over the shit he is allowed to get away with. No more having to do with hundreds, if not thousands, less whenever he decides he needs the money more than I do.

Anyway, that’s my word of the year- change. We’ll see if anything does change.

In the meantime I have managed to accomplish some things.

  1. I got Picasso into counseling. He had an appointment within a day after I finally reached someone at the counseling center.

    2. Rock Star has her sophomore year paid for. Yes, it’s due to loans but it’s paid for. And she will be applying to nursing school this upcoming semester.

    3. I got a new position in my department and I finally got to move over to my new desk. I don’t make much more than I did before but it’s a step up instead of a step down.

Happy New Year! Here’s hoping for some well-deserved change in the upcoming year.

Christmas Memes

I thought you might enjoy these Christmas themed memes shortly before Christmas.

There has been a lot going on lately- finally transitioned over to my new desk, death in the family, and a trip to Virginia for said death. Nothing like going out of town a week before Christmas. Tomorrow is going to be crazy! Because of this you’re getting Christmas memes.

Maybe after the holidays things will settle down and I can write more.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy your time with your family and friends. Have an amazing holiday. I wish the mobster were with me today but I’m glad he is surrounded by his parents, his brother and his family, and three out of his four kids.

Thank YOU! I appreciate all of you who continue to read what I write.

And for a little holiday cheer…

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A Tale Of Two Christmases, Part 2

With all that’s been going on with the child support modification and Mr. CF being his usual douche-y self it’s easy to say evil always wins. It’s easy to fall back into thinking that he gets away with everything.

I’m getting a lot less per month than I was originally told. I’m probably going to end up paying my own legal fees to get this lesser amount of money. And who the hell knows how much longer this is all going to go on?

It doesn’t matter. In the end I’ve ended up with the better deal. I took Rock Star and Picasso out to dinner the night she got home from school. We sat there eating, talking, and laughing. Both kids were talking about how they bought me the best gift ever. Rock Star insisted she had outdone herself this year and I was going to love her gift to me. Picasso, in turn, said no way, that the gift he bought me was going to the best gift I had ever received.

Christmas Eve came and we opened gifts. Picasso had bought me a Sega Genesis. We had been to a store like Game Stop where I had seen one and told him how much I had once enjoyed playing Ms. Pac-Man on our Sega Genesis years ago. He commented that it would make a good Christmas gift and I concurred. The Ms. Pac-Man game had been sold so I still need to grab that, but I’ve got the main part!

Rock Star’s gift to me was a necklace. It’s a round silver necklace with a heart cut out from the center. Rock Star has a necklace that goes with mine; hers is the heart cut out from mine. As she explained to me after I opened it: Now I’ll always have a part of you with me wherever I go.

He can be a pain in the ass and drag crap out. He can accuse me of spending all of “his” money on meetups with my boyfriend. He can insist upon paying the bare minimum in child support so that his whore and her kids can have more of his paycheck. He can do his best to make my life hell. He can even continue on with his snide comments.

It’s only money. He’ll always have more money than me. He’ll also always be married to a cheating whore (well, unless she dumps him). And I will always have my kids who will continue to compete over who can buy me the best Christmas gift. Because they love me and I’m important to them. I know it doesn’t matter to him, but it matters to me. As far as I’m concerned I will always come out ahead for that very reason.

Mother’s Day 2018

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there! Happy Mother’s Day to the aunts and grandmas and everyone else that might step in and help raise a fine human being. I hope your day was divine.

My entire weekend was good. Yesterday the whole family minus Rock Star went down to see my niece in her pinning ceremony from nursing school. It was a long five years but she did it and she’s so excited to get out there and start her career. She’s hoping to go into the military because she eventually wants to be a nurse anesthetist and they will pay for her schooling. Plus, as an added bonus she can begin schooling immediately instead of the required one or two years working as a nurse. My fingers are crossed that she is able to take the path she wants.

Today was good although my Mother’s Day festivities began on Friday when the mobster, that incredible man I am so lucky to call mine, had 2 dozen chocolate covered strawberries delivered to my workplace. They were delicious. I just finished them up today.

Saturday after the graduation festivities I came home to a basket of flowering plants, also compliments of the mobster.

Today began with an early brunch (oh hell, let’s just call it breakfast because we had to be there at 9!) at one of my favorite restaurants in the city. It is the former mansion of a prominent family that has been turned into a restaurant. The ambiance alone is worth going! The brunch itself was amazing!

They had desserts lining the bar. They had an omelette station. They had various cold salads, fruit, shrimp, and King crab. They also had the traditional breakfast fare- eggs, hash browns, waffles, cheese blintzes, sausage, and bacon. Plus, there was mahi mahi, chicken breasts, ham, and prime rib. I was stuffed!

I once again was gifted with some pretty amazing things. Picasso was telling me he didn’t know how he was going to outdo my birthday. I told him he didn’t need to; he just needed to get me something. Hey- if you don’t let your needs be known they will never be met. He ended up getting me two baskets for me to take to work (I was going to buy them for myself but he wanted to), some snacks (Gummi bears, chocolate covered walnuts, Flipz chocolate covered pretzels, and the dark chocolate covered almond Bark), plus a gift card to Starbucks! Is he fantastic or what?

Rock Star had to work pretty much all day today but when she came home she gave me a foot mask, a candle and a jar labeled 50 Reasons I Love You. They were so sweet. I think this one was my favorite though.

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Doesn’t that pretty much say it all?

Topping it off the mobster’s daughter sent me a text wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and thanking me for being in her life and making her and her dad happy. That text was awesome.

I don’t know if I was always expecting some grand adventure on Mother’s Day when I was married. I don’t know if perhaps I was simply less grateful. Maybe I expected more on Mother’s Day and CF never delivered.

Don’t get me wrong. He always had flowers delivered, thanking me for giving him two delightful children. I’m sure there were probably even times he bought me a gift to mark the day, although I don’t remember that happening much in the last few years. But that’s all. I got flowers and that was it. Maybe a Happy Mother’s Day. Most of the time, especially when the kids were very young and we still lived near my mom, I had the kids all day long by myself while he got a child free day to watch TV and relax. As they got older I was still the one spending the day with them while he hung back. I’m pretty sure in the last year or two he fully expected them to do most of the work behind Mother’s Day. I get it to a certain extent, but they were 15 and 13 the last Mother’s Day he was around, hardly old enough to drive to the store themselves!

Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t get to celebrate with my own mother seeing as how she was hundreds of miles away, so she got flowers from me on Mother’s Day because there was no way I could take her out to eat.

Regardless of the reasons I can say without hesitation that Mother’s Day has been so much nicer since he’s been gone. I enjoy getting to spend it with my family. I enjoy getting to plan something for my mom and even doing things we’ll both enjoy. I love the thoughtful gifts my almost grown kids get me. I just enjoy everything about the day now. Here’s to many more!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Christmas Past

Over a year ago I planned to write this post. Of course, at that time in my life I was working 2 jobs, going in at 2 and 3 in the morning, and was, in general, exhausted. It never got written. I’m going to give it a go again this year, although to be honest, it’s not coming out the way I wanted it to.

Holidays can be hard. When you’re going through the breakup of your marriage and the dissolution of your life as you knew it it can feel like you are alone and no one knows how you feel. The pictures of happy families out doing fun family things can be overwhelming and like a knife in the heart. You may be feeling like all of your past holidays were lies, or like you’ve wasted years of your life. You may be thinking that the only real families are those with two parents and your children can no longer celebrate the holidays properly because they live in a broken home. You may be thinking that you will never be happy again.

If this is your first holiday post split I know it can feel like life is spiraling out of control and nothing will ever be the same again. I know it probably feels like everything is changing and all your traditions are falling by the wayside. Do you want to know a secret? Life is always changing. It doesn’t change just because of a divorce.

I saw this comment on Chump Lady some time ago and it has resonated with me.

Last year I was mourning the LOSS OF EVERYTHING during the holidays when I happened to find an old Christmas photo from my childhood.  My grandparents were in the picture, as well as a dear family friend.  I was about 12, and everyone was laughing and having a good time.  It suddenly struck me that most of the people in the picture were gone now.  That’s when I realized that the structure of our families change over the course of our lives whether we want them to or not.  We can’t stop it.  So the structure of my family changed suddenly and rapidly, but it was inevitable, even if there wasn’t a divorce.

When I read that comment I had a huge WOW! moment. What she says is absolutely true. How we celebrated Christmas 20, 30, or even 40 years ago is probably not the same way we celebrate now.

I think back to Christmases when my parents were still married. My grandparents (on my dad’s side) would come over, carting laundry baskets of presents. My great grandmother (Grandpa’s mom) and great grandfather (Grandma’s dad) were there. My aunt celebrated with us as well.

On Christmas Eve we would have a big dinner and it seemed like we had to wait forever before we could finally open presents. I would get to open one before dinner and then before the real present opening began my grandpa would always give us the lecture on how we were very fortunate and many kids didn’t get as much as we did.

On Christmas Day after seeing what Santa had left us we would go over to my grandparents’ house for lunch and spend the entire day.

I remember my grandma’s little church and the choir boys made out of candles. I remember the bubble lights on her Christmas tree and the circus lights. She had a set of lights that were circus trains that each contained a different animal.

Things changed after my parent’s divorce. Definitely. For years we would celebrate Christmas with my dad and his parents a week or two before the actual holiday, until I was old enough to drive and then I would drive myself and my two brothers down on Christmas Day.

Eventually my great grandparents both went into a nursing home. My grandma stopped decorating and instead put all of the gifts around the ceramic tree that my mother had made and given her for Christmas years and years ago. And then finally there came the day that she just started writing checks.

I look at pictures of those long ago holidays and everything about that has changed. Yes, the divorce played a huge part in it, but the truth of the matter is things would have changed anyway. My great grandparents and all of my grandparents are gone now. The house I grew up and where we celebrated on Christmas Eve has long been sold. The house I went to on Christmas Day stayed in the family another 30+ years, but now even it is gone. My father is suffering from some form of dementia. I have one brother that I rarely talk to and the brother that I do talk to was only one when our parents separated, so he wasn’t a part of the celebration for very long.

I recall when I started buying gifts for my stepdad’s stepson’s girls. Got that? They were younger and I hadn’t bought toys in years and years. The year was 1990 something. Early. 1991, maybe, or 1992. We hadn’t had young kids at Christmas in years. It was so much fun shopping in the toy aisle once again.

Then the baby boom began. My step sister had a baby in 1993. My brother had one in 1995. I got married in 1994 and Jezebel had already had her first child in 1993, as well, and another in 1996. 1997 brought 3 new babies into the family, although one of them wasn’t born until New Year’s Eve. Rock Star came along in 2000, followed by another nephew in 2001 and then Picasso in 2002. Little kids reigned at Christmas time. And now we are once again back to no little kids celebrating Christmas. That didn’t change because of divorce. It changed because life’s always changing. Kids grow up.

I think my favorite Christmas video ever was in 1995. I had been married a year. Christmas was being held at my house that year. I decorated for the first time since getting married. I ordered all kinds of goodies and treats. I cooked up a storm. I was finished with Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. I have tons of video from that year. My Mamaw was there. There is video of my brother dancing with his baby daughter, who is now a beautiful young woman who graduates from nursing school this spring and will probably be getting engaged soon. My dog, Taz, was wearing his little Christmas hat, and my cat, Mashburn, was wearing his cute little collar with Christmas ornaments on it. CF was upstairs the entire time, suffering from cluster headaches.

Everything about that day has changed. Some due to divorce, and some due to life. My Mamaw is no longer with us. Taz and Mashburn are long gone. As I said, that sweet little baby is about to graduate from college. I haven’t spent a Christmas with that particular brother in over five years at this point. Maybe longer. We sold that house and moved to Michigan not even a month later.

Our children grow up. They have families of their own. They opt to spend holidays with their in-laws or just with their spouse and children.

One day you’re out scouring every Toys R Us and Target for a Dora the Explorer Talking Dollhouse (and every other store you can think of that might have one!) and the next day you’re buying Better Than Sex mascara to put in their stocking. The day after that your kid tells you she won’t be home at all for Christmas because she’s spending it with her in-laws. I think I may have solved that crisis by telling my child that as long as she wakes up at my house on Christmas Day Santa will always come visit her. She really likes when Santa visits.

Honestly, we didn’t have many traditions in our family. It was always changing because we were always moving, especially in the beginning. Our very first Christmas happened a mere two weeks after our wedding. We had no tree. We lived in his two bedroom apartment. We spent Christmas Eve over at my mom’s and on Christmas Day his mom and stepdad flew up to spend the day with us. That never happened again. For years we would celebrate Christmas with his family at Thanksgiving because he had more time off then. Christmas Eve would be spent with my family. Then we moved down south. CF never came up with me. We spent Christmas Eve apart. That lasted for two years. The final year we had Rock Star and were getting ready to move back up to Michigan. He met me there and we once again celebrated at my mom’s house. I remember I hosted Christmas once or twice up at our house. Then we moved again. The first two years after moving to Utah we came back for Christmas. The next few years the kids and I would come back home and celebrate with the families (yes, I took the kids to his mom’s as well) right after Christmas. Then my kids’ school changed their schedule. Instead of being a year round school with our break occurring after winter break, which gave us a generous 4 week break at the holidays, we were on the traditional schedule. They had a week. We stopped going back to celebrate.

The first year was difficult, but after that I decided to make it a day of fun. We’d get up on Christmas Eve, have breakfast, go bowling as a family. One time we actually went to the movies as well. We’d go out to eat for dinner and then return home and open gifts. On Christmas morning the kids would wake up to find what Santa had left them. I would usually just make some appetizers. We would spend the day lounging around, the kids playing with their newfound booty. Sometimes neighbor kids would come by.

Our last Christmas as a family we opened gifts early before heading up to my mom’s. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day here. I bought us matching pajamas. All four of us were lined up, smiling for the camera. The kids woke to find that Santa had left them each a MacBook Pro. We never spent another Christmas with him.

Take a look at your wedding photos or video, even if you’re happily married. How many people that were celebrating with you that day have died? How many of those people do you still talk to?

Browse through a family photo album (if you still own one!). Who is still around? Who have you lost?

My mom has some amazing pictures of her family in Virginia. I look at those now, those happy snapshots, and I realize I’m probably older than they were at the time those pictures were taken. Almost all of them are gone now.

As Patty Loveless sang:

Life’s about changing

Nothing ever stays the same

Maybe if you’re one of those people lucky enough to grow up and stay in the same town, or at least area, for the duration of your life so far you haven’t experienced much change in your life until now. Maybe the changes in your life are much more subtle. They’re still there, though. We all eventually lose family members. Perhaps you didn’t move away but some or all of your siblings did.

As a person who has moved numerous times throughout my life I can say this is true. I was just talking to a friend from Utah the other day. She is the one who’s husband moved her all across the country after fixing up their house to sell it and then decided he couldn’t be married to her any longer. Our lives followed parallel paths. She made mention of how she missed the days when we could hang out talking on our front porch. She said it seemed like a lifetime ago. It truly does. My life is completely different from the one I had out there. I miss it.

But you know what? My life has changed repeatedly since the day I got married. I thought I was going to live in the same city I had pretty much lived in since we moved up here in 1979. We bought a house. We had a dog and a cat. Then he got a job offer in another state and we moved two hours away. It was still close enough that I could visit often, but it wasn’t the same as living in the same city. I made a few friends but not many. We moved again. I made tons of friends. I had a baby. We had an active social life. We loved where we lived. And then that ended. We moved again. Back to Michigan. This time I made friends. Those friends all ended up either getting jobs or moving away. So I started going to church and getting involved. I had another baby. I started going to MOPS and joined the hospitality team. I volunteered to help out in the nursery at church. I became a small group leader. Eventually I joined the Meal Team. I started a MOPS chapter at my church. I volunteered at my daughter’s school. I enrolled my son at a co-op preschool and helped out there, eventually taking on the Vice President position his second year. I enjoyed my life. I was content. Then we moved again. This time over 1500 miles away from any family, out to Utah. Slowly I found my footing- joining PTA, making friends with the other gym moms, taking my son to hockey. I had wonderful friends out there. We met for lunch and hung out and did things together. It was fantastic. For eight years I lived a pretty terrific life. And then I found out about CF’s first affair with Harley. A year later we moved 2000 miles across the country to Virginia. I never really found my footing there, although I tried. I decorated. I made a few friends. I helped out at the school gymnastics meets. I had everything I had ever wanted, probably had ever even dreamed of having, and a year later it all came crashing down. Major changes came about. The end of my intact family. Another move a year later. This latest stuff has been rough but I’ve made it through. I’m working full time. I’ve got almost a year in which means I can look to other things now. I met a fantastic man. My kids are doing well.

All of those changes I detailed above happened without a divorce occurring until the very end. It was the simple twist and turns of life. It’s wonderful if you can stay in the same place forever, never change jobs, never have friends or loved ones move away. That’s not the reality most of us face, though. Life is constantly changing.

This isn’t supposed to be a maudlin post. I’m writing it to let you know that if you’re in the midst of a divorce, or just finalized one, and you think all hope is lost and this has ruined the holidays for you forever, it hasn’t. You can still create holiday traditions with your kids. Hell, you can continue on with the old traditions if you’d like. Nothing says you have to stop doing everything you did back when you were married. You are still a family; you’re just minus an entitled, selfish, lying cheater.

I’m fresh off an amazing win in court so I’m more optimistic than usual, but I remember what it was like. I remember last year when all I could do was get through the damn holidays. Maybe that’s where you are now. I’m here to tell you it will get better. Remember that Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat/Twitter and so on don’t tell the whole story. That glorious family decked out in holiday gear, smiling brightly for the camera might be struggling and you would never know. Maybe they’re having financial problems. Maybe they’re having marital problems. Maybe their kids are throwing some grand problem at them and they have no idea how to solve it or keep the kid safe. The person whose life seems great on social media may be going through some really dark moments. Those snippets of life on social media may be the only happy part of that person’s life, or they could be an illusion. Just stay sane. Keep your chin up, and if you can’t bear to do that, then put your head down and grit your way through this holiday season. Life’s about changing; nothing ever stays the same. That can be a good thing. If things are bad right now then there’s a good chance that eventually they’ll become good.

Here’s hoping that everyone will have a fantastic holiday season. I hope that Santa is good to you. Remember, these two things. 1. It gets better. It really does. It may take a while, but you will get there. 2. You and your kids really are a family all on your own. You are in control! Do those things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because someone was always complaining or putting down your ideas. Be the parent that shows up, that is always there, and know that you are enough. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be like it’s always been. This is your moment to shine.

Another Mother’s Day In the Books

As you may recall I had my first D-Day Mother’s Day weekend. That was when CF finally decided to ‘fess up that he had been “texting” other women. Sadly, this is not uncommon. I think many cheaters take perverse delight in sabotaging absolutely everything they can.

I had two more Mother’s Days with him before the final nail in the coffin. I couldn’t really tell you what happened on either of those days. I seem to recall the last one he left it up to the kids to do their own thing. I probably got flowers. Maybe… He was probably already back in contact with Harley the whore so he was already beginning the discard.

I’d like to tell you that I had an amazing time on Mother’s Day last year but I honestly don’t remember what I did. I think we went to church and then maybe out to eat afterwards. I’m sure Rock Star bought me a gift.

I was kind of dreading the holiday this year. I’ve been dreading pretty much every holiday for almost a year now. But it was pretty decent. We had a full weekend, mostly celebrating my mom.

On Mother’s Day my brother and I took her out for brunch. My two kids came along, one of his and my other brother’s daughter came along as well. Rock Star had to work but the rest of us, minus my brother, ended up going to see a movie. Then we headed back to the house for a cookout.

I got candy and a gift card from Rock Star. I never got around to taking Picasso out to get me a gift so I struck out there.

I have to say I think I prefer my Mother’s Day celebrations without Cousinfucker over the ones with him. I think I was always expecting him to do something really nice for me and he usually couldn’t be bothered. He would usually send me flowers but that’s about as far as it would go. I was generally the one loading the kids in the car and heading down to my mom’s house for the day while he remained back at home, relaxing and doing his own thing.

Maybe it’s simply the fact that my kids are older now so they’re able to do things for me on their own, or I’m not craving some time to myself like I did when they were small.

Here’s to hoping for a few more pleasant Mother’s Day weekends.

Sam’s Epic Christmas Meltdown

 

December 2014

Oh you sonofabitch and fucking bitch! I had the “privilege” of reading my husband’s text to his sister. She started off by wishing him a Merry Christmas, I believe, and mentioning that she had heard we’d be down there but they’d be in Florida. Shocker. Then she goes on to tell him she sent me a friend request but I declined it “so I’m done reaching out now.” Really, you fucking bitch? WHAT exactly have you done to “reach out” besides sending me a self serving friend request a year and a half after you FUCKING ENCOURAGED MY HUSBAND TO LEAVE ME FOR HIS WHORE???? I would really love to know. Was it when I told you you should call your brother the night I was refusing to come home when I found out he planned on marrying the whore and you said you were sorry for your part in all of this? Or when you would patronize me with your “I understand,” comments whenever I would voice my hurt at what was done? That’s some stellar reaching out.

Then my asshole of a husband goes on to APOLOGIZE for ruining her relationship with me. Tells her it’s all his fault and, oh, how I love this part, he never should have tried to be happy. Thanks, honey! So glad to hear I’m your penance. Tells her he’s heavily medicated and she’s been a wonderful sister and so supportive.

The best part? She still hasn’t answered him back. Yes, let’s kiss her ass, throw me under the fucking bus, and after bitching about how self centered she is and how she’s never there for him tell her she’s just the best thing ever and it’s all my fault!

Sonofabitch! I’m seriously thinking of leaving his ass once again. Hey, Harley Buttwipe Whoreface, your soul mate may be on the market! That’s probably not nearly as intoxicating as stealing another woman’s husband but a soul mate is a soul mate, right?

I’m so fucking tempted to text his bitch of a sister and tell her I’m giving her the best Christmas gift ever- a divorce! Now you can call your brother’s whore and tell her he’s available and get the two of them together. Then you can have your fantastic family get togethers with your “new sister!” and everyone can rejoice that they got rid of me, the horrible evil wife.

FUCK YOU BOTH!

Present Day Sam Says: I freely admit that this was not a nice entry.  I was pissed!  However, I’m not sure it really rises to “cheat on your wife” upsetting.

Here’s the best part though. Blockhead was feeding him information. He was telling him what I had written. I can see in black and white the word “divorce” and the phrase, “I’m seriously thinking of leaving his ass once again.” My question is, did Blockhead see any of the words preceding that? I’m painted as the bitch because I’m legitimately upset and yet the whole, “Throw Sam under the bus” bullshit is completely ignored.

It’s like me being extremely hurt by the fact Jezebel is acting like she is the poor put upon victim means nothing. Let’s gloss over that and concentrate on Sam being angry. Let’s ignore the part where Sam writes about her husband telling his sister he never should have tried to be happy. None of that should matter. The only pertinent parts of this entry are the ones where Sam is going off the rails. How can you not see the pain and insecurity in that post?

The answer is easy. He was never my friend and he was actively campaigning against me.

In the end it doesn’t matter. They all got what they wanted. I’m gone. Harley’s in my place. They’re all happy.

A Friend Request From Jezebel

December 2014

Merry Christmas to me. This year I got a friend request from my traitorous sister-in-law. No, thank you. I still have the knife with which you stabbed me lodged firmly in my back. And you never know when my husband might decide he’s madly in love with someone else and we both know once he’s done with me you no longer know my name. So let’s not even bother. Of course, my daughter caved and I’m sure she’ll be kissing her ass in no time. Little traitor. I suppose I need to act like an adult and encourage her relationship with her aunt. But I don’t wanna!

Present Day Sam Says: Not even two months later that bitch is begging him to leave me. With friends like her who would need enemies, am I right? Now she’s busy telling Harley and CF that she “loves them both!”