I Am Amazing (Plus Inappropriate Conversations With My Daughter)

I had another long day, waking at 3:20, working from 4-7, dropping Rock Star off at school, coming home and getting ready for the full-time job and then working from 8:45-5:15. After that I headed to the school to pick up Rock Star after track practice. Finally, we arrived back home where I cooked the rice to finish up our dinner. About 30 minutes later Rock Star comes to me and asks when she’s going to learn to parallel park. Yes, in this amazing state parallel parking is apparently still part of the driving test. Awesome, huh?

Look, it doesn’t phase me. I can parallel park with the best of them. Rock Star still talks about the time I whipped into a parking spot on a hill after looking around for parking and almost missing our dinner reservations. “And that’s how you parallel park!” I said triumphantly before hopping out of the car. They were both amazed. Like I said, still talking about it today, almost two years later.

So there I was, 7:00 at night, teaching my daughter to parallel park. I had already changed out of my work clothes into some comfy sweats (hey, I’m not married so I can dress comfortably!) and a t-shirt. The bra had been whipped off and left behind and it didn’t dawn on me until after we stopped for gas that I was out in public braless. Oh well, that’s what coats are for, right?

Anyway, that was my badass moment of the night. I taught my kid to parallel park. Many days I feel like I’m completely failing both of them. But that night? I felt amazing, free boobies and all. Work all day, get dinner on the table, throw in a load of laundry, and then teach a child to parallel park.

Onto those inappropriate conversations… Inappropriate conversation #1: As we were driving back home Rock Star almost t-boned a cop car. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic. She was at a stop sign and I thought she was going to go even though the car that was about 20 feet away had the right of way. Nobody was hurt. Nobody was even almost hurt. Everything was fine. But we started cracking jokes about what would happen if we hit a cop car. Choices ranged from offering up our cheeseburgers to flirting. Then Rock Star comments, “The flirting isn’t enough? Maybe I could offer a little bit more.” Instead of reprimanding my daughter for her dirty mind I chime in, “Hell, I’ve got 5 minutes to kill.” She looks at me and says, “Mom, that’s an insult, not a compliment.” Oh boy! How does she know this?

Inappropriate conversation #2: Has anyone seen or heard of the movie(s) called, “The Purge”? I’ve never seen it but from the few previews I’ve seen the basic premise is that for 24 hours all crime is legal. It’s every man and woman for himself/herself. I have no idea how the movie ends; I only know there was a sequel. She asks me what I would do if a 24 hour purge was really legal. Without hesitating I tell her what I would do, which I’m not going to say here.  Her response: “Wow. I was going to say I would go shopping and not pay for anything. Maybe go to McDonald’s and get a free sweet tea,” was her reply.

“Yeah, I went dark real quick.”

To lighten the mood, I’ll give you a funny conversation with her that same night. She’s telling me if she ever has a daughter she wants to name her Margaret because she likes the nickname Mags. Or she would name her Louella Ann. I’m just shaking my head. Then she offers up another name and asks me if I like it. “I’m not crazy about it but your father liked it. And it rhymes with Harley (well, her real name anyway).”

“So we’re back to Louella?” she deadpans.

I think this is my mother getting her revenge. For years I told her if I had a baby girl I was going to name her Bambi Fawn. “I’ll call her Dear, for short.” Now I’m stuck with Louella. I guess it’s better than Cinnamon.

A Tale of Two Sams

Catchy title, huh? My ode to Dickens. A tale of two Sams, you say? Tell me more!

This is the way I feel most days. There are two different sides waging battle inside of me. There is the happy-go-lucky Sam that does her best to forge ahead, be positive, and have faith. This Sam chirps cheerfully, “No use in crying about the things you can’t change. Just put your head down and plow through it!” I sometimes hate her. She’s way too cheerful for me and she’s going to end up on her ass because nothing ever goes according to plan. Then there’s the pessimistic, defeated Sam who is still convinced she will live in poverty forever and that life isn’t really worth living anymore. “Dear Lord, just kill me now!” she begs through her tears. Honestly, I can get behind this Sam. She’s very comfortable, like a warm sweater. She doesn’t ask anything of me except possibly a Kleenex so she can blow her nose. Occasionally I have a third Sam. Let’s call her psychotic Sam. She spends her days weighing the pros and cons of life in prison and taking careful notes while watching ID TV. I’m just saying… if I can get him to Corsica somehow it’s possible I’ll only serve about 7 years if they catch me. Yeah, Psychotic Sam is also weighing the pros and cons of trying to get away with any shenanigans versus just taking the prison time. Usually Psychotic Sam is kept waaaaaay in the back but sometimes she manages to fight her way up front, knocking Happy-go-lucky Sam down onto the ground, stepping on her back and grinding her face right into a big ol’ patch of mud and grabbing Defeated Sam and telling her, “Wipe away those tears and watch this!”

Truthfully it’s difficult to believe anything good is ever going to come of this. It often feels like he set up his whole new life and then abandoned all of us and I’ll never get a chance to make a new life because I’m always ten steps behind. Then there are the days I feel like Monica on Friends. Do you remember the episode where her identity was stolen and she eventually befriends her identity thief? She loved hanging out with her because she took all of these crazy risks and lived life to its fullest (until she went to prison, of course). At the end of the episode she’s in a tap dancing class and the instructor yells out, “You’re doing it wrong!” and Monica replies, “Yeah, but I’m doing it!” Or maybe it was, “Yeah, but I’m here.” Either way, Monica showed up, she put herself out there, and even if she wasn’t doing it as well as everyone else she was there and she was trying. That’s how I feel some days.

I’m barely hanging on most days but I’m here. I show up. I’m doing it. I’m tired. I get my ass up on a good day around 3:20 in the morning so that I can go in at 4. On other days I go in anywhere from midnight to 2 am. Right now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m only functioning because my dear mother is helping to pick up my daughter, do my laundry, cook most evenings, and wash dishes. I have no idea what I’m going to do when January rolls around and she’s no longer here and I’m working TWO jobs.

Yes, folks, I managed to get hired at Kohl’s for the holidays. I interviewed on Monday, found out I got the job on Tuesday and I should be starting sometime next week. So, this means that my job at Target generally covers my monthly bills and the job at Kohl’s will allow me and my kids to eat! I was excited about that. Plus- employee discount!

I’ve also interviewed for a full-time job. I’ve had interviews with three different people and just sent off my pre-employment stuff so they can interview references and do a background check. I applied for the same position at 3 different places and apparently they are considering me for 2 of them. I am hoping for one position over another just because the hours are better and the pay is more since you’re not at a sole location. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll take it if they offer me the permanent location. It’s only $10/hour and the hours are terrible for trying to work a second job. Unfortunately, I will still need to work a second job because neither position pays me enough to only work 40 hours a week.

I’ve also taken an exam to work at the post office. I haven’t been called in for anything yet but I took the exam and I passed. Plus, my sweet J has a long-term boyfriend who has an aunt that works there so hopefully something will pan out with that.

The other job at Aldi’s didn’t pan out. They advertised for a big job hiring event and it was basically going in and filling out an application.  Apparently I was not Aldi’s material because I didn’t even get called in for an interview. Normally, Defeated Sam would be moaning, “I can’t even get hired as a stupid cashier!” and, “You went out of your comfort zone and took a chance at applying for a manager trainee position when you clearly had no business trying for anything like that! You’re a cashier and nothing more! You got your hopes up and then they were shot down! This is why we don’t try things!” but here is where Happy-go-lucky Sam took over. For some reason I didn’t dissolve into a heap of tears at being passed over as a cashier or a relief supervisor or a manager trainee. I just kind of shrugged and said, “Oh well. I guess I need to apply for more stuff,” and then went on my way. I’m surprised by my attitude, too, because a cashier at Aldi’s makes $12 an hour! A relief supervisor makes $16! Those in the manager trainee position make around $22.50 an hour. That’s nowhere close to what I was living on but it would make a world of difference to Broke-Ass Sam.

I feel like I never see my kids anymore. The week of Thanksgiving I was going in at 1:30 in the morning, so I’d go to bed around 6 so that I could wake up around 12:45. I guess they’ll live but I find it sad that their father isn’t worth a shit and now their mom isn’t around much to participate in their lives either.

Let’s see, where else does Happy-go-lucky Sam pop up? Well, I was briefly filled with hope when I read someone’s status on FB. Eight years ago she was going through a divorce and believed she would be alone forever. But, she met someone and she’s been married for 3 or 4 years now. Good for her. Bonus points for the fact that she isn’t some lithe size 2 either and yet she still found someone who loved her. That gave me hope for a millisecond, not that I’m looking for love or that I ever want to remarry; then I realized she was about 30 when she went through her divorce. I’m 47. I’m fairly certain my dating years are over and honestly CF has damaged me way too badly for me to put myself out there any time soon. But for a millisecond, Happy-go-lucky Sam was in charge. She pokes her head around occasionally, pointing out various people that have found love later in life. Hey, look at that one! He’s remarried. Look at her! She’s fat and she’s married. Hey, don’t mean to rub salt in the wound but Jezebel got married for a third freaking time at age 47 and Cousinfucker managed to find someone at his age and with all his problems! But then Defeated Sam stops bawling in the corner long enough to pipe up, “Yeah, but Jezebel is very pretty and she always loses weight before she cheats on her husband so she’s thin when she snags the next one! Cousinfucker found someone else because his gold digging whore of a cousin latched onto him, thinking she had found a sugar daddy. All these people you see around you who have someone new in their life are younger and thinner. Men always have it easier when it comes to remarrying so don’t look to them for examples.” Then Happy-go-lucky Sam pops her head up and cheerfully chirps, “If you think you need to be thin in order to ever date again you can always start going to the gym. Eat better. Lose weight.” Then Psychotic Sam clocks that bitch and laughs.

I do feel a small sense of accomplishment seeing as how I am indeed taking care of all that needs to be done, albeit with help from my mother. I mean, if I had to live on my own we would be in a homeless shelter because I just couldn’t make enough to make a mortgage payment or pay rent. I readily admit that living with my mom has been a lifesaver. But I am doing what needs to be done in order to pay my bills, buy a few Christmas gifts for my kids, and purchase food and essentials for the three of us. I probably still won’t make enough to be able to go to the movies or out to eat with them, but we’ll have food. Maybe if everything works out I can work a third job for some extras. But here’s the thing. As much as it sucks (and it does indeed suck so much!) I’m doing it without Cousinfucker’s help. I am so much stronger than he is. Yes, he made good money but he also had a wife that was his biggest cheerleader and who made numerous sacrifices so that he could climb the corporate ladder. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it put this way but he wouldn’t be anything more than possibly a first shift superintendent if he weren’t married to me. I always agreed to move whenever he got an offer. I was the one who left behind friends and community and activities; he didn’t make friends or socialize much. It was no big deal for him to leave an area. I was the one who always got involved and made the new location a home. He went to work and once a week he would mow the lawn. Sometimes there would be a household project. He had me to take care of everything else. I made dinner, I did the grocery shopping, I washed and put away his clothes, I made his doctor’s appointments and picked up his prescriptions, I fed and watered the animals and cleaned out the cat boxes. Most importantly, I was the one responsible for our children. I bathed them, I got them ready for bed, I fed them. I took them to school and I picked them up. I took them to and picked them up from their extracurriculars. I volunteered at their schools and went to parent-teacher conferences and helped out with the PTA. I signed permission slips, gave them lunch money, made them breakfast, and took them out to get school supplies for projects. He didn’t have to lift a finger. He went to work and that was pretty much it. Hell, he even outright stated that if I got a job it couldn’t interfere with his job and he wouldn’t be helping out around the house or with the kids.

I’m working and I’m still taking care of my kids. When my mom goes to Florida it’s going to be tough but I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to figure out how to get my daughter to school, whether it’s coordinating rides to school, putting her in charge of getting rides, or just relying on the bus. I’m going to drag my tired ass over to her place of employment at 10:00 at night when I need to get up at 3:20 in the morning to go to work seeing as how she still doesn’t have her license. Because I’m her mother and she’s my child and it’s my responsibility. I don’t have the luxury of walking away and pretending like I have no obligations. As much as it pisses me off that I have to do this instead of her being able to drive herself, thanks to him forcing us out of our home and out of the state, I’m not going to bitch and moan; I’m just going to do what needs to be done. As always. I’m going to figure out how to feed them when I’m working 2 or 3 jobs. I’ll probably resort to doing a bunch of cooking one day and then relying on the crockpot for the rest of the week. Laundry will get done. The house will be picked up. The dogs will be fed and watered. There may be cleaning charts involved. Who knows? What I do know is that it will all get done. And Cousinfucker can’t lay claim to any of it. I’m doing it without his help just like I always knew I could. I’ve always been the stronger of the two of us. I’ve always had it more together. I’ve always been the one to take charge and take care of things. I can do this! I might not want to but I can, and that’s the important part. I might be poor. I might be barely hanging on. But I’m not relying on him for anything. I never will again. I don’t care if he starts paying child support and spousal support. I will continue to work whatever I need to work to cover my bills and take care of my expenses because he has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he cannot be trusted to do what needs to be done. That’s not Happy-go-lucky, look to the positive, always cheerful Sam. That’s Kick-Ass Sam. She’s wearing her sassy little kick ass boots, too.

I’m also trying more to adopt ifonlymommy’s philosophy. She’s always so sweet and positive. She tends to believe that things will get better and that it won’t always be like this. Happy-go-lucky Sam is doing her best to get me to look at life that way. Yeah, I’m not making great money right now but maybe one day it will be better. What I have now isn’t necessarily what I will have in a year. Things could get better. This full-time job I’m interviewing for doesn’t pay all that great but there are advancement possibilities and more money in the future. I try to remind myself that my mom has helped me out a tremendous amount since I had to move back home so maybe even if I can’t do much for my kids right now when they’re older I might be able to help them. Maybe if I have grandchildren one day I can spoil them like I used to be able to spoil my own kids. Maybe if my son or daughter finds their lives upended by a cheating spouse I’ll be able to give them refuge.

That’s where I am today. I no longer cry every day. And most days when I do cry it’s for a short period of time. I’m at kinda-sorta okay most of the time. The days when I’m praying for an aneurysm or a massive coronary are getting fewer and farther between. I still don’t have hope, nor do I think I’ll ever have much of anything, but I’m learning to live in poverty without crying all the time. I feel small bursts of pride when I realize that shit eating chimp I married isn’t supporting me or my kids- I am (with a great deal of help from my mom). I doubt that life will ever be good or that Happy-go-lucky Sam will ever be the dominant personality, but I’m alive. For better or for worse, I’m alive.

Getting To Know You

So the entry that listed 100 things I love made me think about some things that you might find interesting about me.  I don’t know how long this list is going to be; I don’t have a set number of interesting facts.  We’ll just see where this takes us.

  1. I am terrified of snakes.  Like, if I had to wrestle a mountain lion or a bear for my kids I would do it in a heartbeat.  If it’s a snake?  They are on their own!  I have told them this in no uncertain language.  “If there is a snake you two need to run because I am going to be outta there!”  My kids have even discussed this.  My daughter was telling her brother not to worry if they saw a snake because I would protect them.  He looks at her like she’s crazy and tells her, “Nu-uh.  Mom said if there was a snake we were on our own!”  I’m nodding my head and saying, “Listen to your brother!  Seriously, you two are on your own!”
  2. I was a Girl Scout leader before I ever had kids.  I volunteered for three years until I moved.  Ironically, Rock Star never joined the Girl Scouts, although both of my nieces did.
  3. I have an aversion to Band-aids.  It disturbs me to no end when people lose them in water.  It is one of the most disgusting things ever. I about lost it when Picasso lost one in our brand new swimming pool last year.  I have actually yelled at my kids before when they would leave them laying out. Throw them away and ideally bury them under something so I don’t even have to see them! I can wear them but they give me the heebie jeebies every time I see them on someone else.
  4. I have four tattoos.  Yep, I am a former Girl Scout leader and PTA President with tattoos.  I started off with one, which is fairly small.  I wasn’t sure how much it would hurt so I didn’t want anything real complicated in case I wussed out. I got the next three at the same time.  I wanted one that would incorporate my kids and me but ended up getting three separate ones.  As much as I like them I have them all placed where you can’t see them when I’m wearing clothes.
  5. Speaking of tattoos, I giggle when getting them.  I am extremely ticklish and so I end up laughing almost the entire time.
  6. I have laughed so hard I have puked before. In fact, I puked on CF once.
  7. I have written numerous books although I have never been published.  Most of them were horror stories, which is kinda funny considering I hate watching horror movies.
  8. I’ve lived in 6 different states.
  9. I dropped out of college my last semester and went back the following fall to finish my degree.
  10. I always wanted four kids but I have a balanced translocation which is basically where two of your chromosomes break apart and then join together. It results in a 50% chance of miscarriage every time I get pregnant.  Between CF’s reluctance to have more and the enormous amount of stress I felt every time I was pregnant I stopped at 2.
  11. I was a nude model in college my last semester.
  12. I am the oldest of three kids.  I’m also my mother’s favorite but she will tell you she loves all of her kids equally.  She doesn’t.  I’m the favorite.  Don’t get me wrong; she likes at least one of my brothers. But I’m the favorite.
  13. I hate smoking. I’ll still be your friend but I really really hate that habit. And I hate cigarette butts- in ashtrays, on beaches, in water, on the ground.  There are few things I find grosser than seeing those outside ashtrays filled with cigarette butts and water.
  14. My favorite part of Thanksgiving would be all the sides and the pumpkin pie.  I’m not a big fan of turkey and could forego the main course entirely.
  15. As I’ve gotten older my fear of heights has increased dramatically.  We stayed in a hotel in Vegas with a view of the city and rides on the top of the building.  I thought I was going to throw up.  I had to sit on the couches away from the huge windows.
  16. Similarly, I HATE those sky coasters at parks- the ones that slowly coast over the park.  I have been on them three times and that’s it for me.  I need to be medicated in order to do that!
  17. I am not a fan of New Year’s Eve.  I think it puts way too much pressure on people to have a great time and ring in the New Year.  I’ve always said it’s about people pretending to have a good time while in reality they are miserable and wishing they were home.  I almost never have plans for NYE and can easily sleep through it or simply watch TV.  I will say though that this past year I was at my mom’s.  My niece and one of her friends spent the night.  We watched the Rockin’ New Year’s Eve special and I actually liked the musical guests.  We cracked open a bottle of champagne at midnight and I texted all my friends in the Mountain Time Zone telling them I was from the future and that it was looking pretty bright.
  18. I have lived in three out of the four time zones in the United Staes (mainland, of course).
  19. I always have an exit strategy for all the rides at the amusement park.  I don’t generally have a problem with the roller coasters or the Samurai (I figure I’ll just be dead and it will be over quickly), but all the other rides I figure out a escape plan.  I do realize that the centrifugal force will probably not allow for my plans but it comforts me to think I can take action.  That’s probably why I don’t like those stupid sky coasters; there is no way to escape that sucker and it moves soooooo slowly you know death won’t be instantaneous.
  20. I can take or leave Valentine’s Day, too.  I don’t hate it but I didn’t have a problem with having no one to celebrate it with this past year either.  It’s just a day. Maybe if I had been married to someone who put in the time and effort to celebrate it I might feel differently.
  21. I keep thinking I would like to learn to crochet and knit.
  22. I also think about learning to play hockey.
  23. One of the things on my bucket list is to run a marathon.  I should probably start working on that.
  24. I think the Grand Canyon is overrated.  I suppose if you don’t mind heights then it would be a great place to visit.  I do mind heights and therefore didn’t enjoy a whole lot of my visit because I was terrified!  That sucker is not fenced in for the most part.
  25. I’ve been to Yellowstone National Park and I really enjoyed it. I loved the geysers and the hot springs.
  26. I’ve always been fascinated by serial killers and gave a speech my sophomore year about the difference between mass murderers and serial killers.
  27. I’ve been to both Disneyland and Disney World.
  28. I’ve also been to Sea World Orlando and Sea World San Diego.
  29. I’m pretty sure my favorite theme park is Universal Studios, although I’ve only been to the one out in California.
  30. I have no desire to get married again.
  31. I’ve dipped my toes into the Pacific, the Atlantic, and the Gulf of Mexico.
  32. I have a goal of visiting all 50 states one of these days. I’m at right around 75%. Most of the states I haven’t visited and driven through are the New England states. If I could vacation for a week or two along the New England coast I think I could almost cross this one off my bucket list!
  33. I love chocolate, especially Godiva chocolate. I prefer dark chocolate.  I think my favorite, though, is chocolate cake with vanilla or cream cheese icing.  I’m not a fan of chocolate on chocolate for some reason.
  34. I love sushi and my favorite one right now is the Angel Roll with shrimp tempura and mango inside and spicy crab and a honey mayo on top.  It is the most delicious thing ever!
  35. I like visiting food trucks.
  36. Until we moved this last time I volunteered a lot.  According to that lovely poem there is a very special place for me in Heaven.
  37. I don’t have favorites, like a favorite color, favorite song, favorite food… I like lots of different things.  I have an assortment of favorites.
  38. The word “gulch” makes me giggle when I say it. I’m giggling right now.
  39. I’m terrified of death.  I can’t think about what happens after you die because it totally freaks me out. Ever since my Mamaw died I have had to sleep with the TV on because I can’t let my mind wander at night; by tuning into the TV until I fall asleep I don’t have to think about anything.  I also don’t want to be buried or cremated.  I told my kids I needed to do that body tour because I always wanted to travel and it wouldn’t require burying or burning me. Now I’m thinking that maybe I’ll donate my body to the Body Farm in Knoxville, TN.
  40. CF named both of our kids (I did have veto power and honestly, I didn’t really care).  In a small twist of delicious irony, his middle name, which was given to our son as his middle name, is also the name of someone I loved deeply who died in high school.  So now, instead of thinking of Picasso’s middle name being the same as his dad’s I think of him sharing a name with my beloved. Yeah, I’m evil.  So what?
  41. I never intended to have 3 dogs.  Rock Star was begging for a friend’s dog that they were going to get rid of.  I told her if her dad said okay then we could take it.  Long story short:  He said okay, they ended up keeping the dog and she got pregnant; we then took the only male puppy.  He was supposed to say no!  Hey- that seems to be a recurrent theme for him. Couldn’t say no to the dog, couldn’t say no to the whore!
  42. My favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip. Oh, look at that!  I do have a favorite!
  43. At one point we had over 40 guinea pigs.  It’s a long story.
  44. I eat very slowly and when I do try to eat fast I get a stomachache.
  45. My first job was working in the deli department making pizzas.  I think I was the most popular employee there because I would bake the pizzas to hand out samples to customers and all the guys that worked in different departments would come by to grab little sample pieces.
  46. I hate long lines, traffic, and waiting. I am a type B personality through and through until you put me behind the wheel of a car or make me wait.  Then I am a type A all the way.
  47. My brother and I were once racing home in our cars.  Yes, I know, that was dangerous; we were young and stupid.  When it became apparent he was going to win and get to the driveway first I cut through the yard and pulled in ahead of him.  I won!
  48. I’ve been skydiving.  CF wouldn’t go with me to cheer me on or support me, of course.  I still went.
  49. My first concert was Damn Yankees/Bad Company.  My second was Skid Row/Guns-n-Roses.  I loved them back in my teens and early 20s.  The last two concerts I saw were The Wiggles (twice!) and Hannah Montana.  Bit of a change there.
  50. I hate sweet potatoes.  I’m not fond of onions but I’m better at eating those.  I still don’t like raw ones but I can eat them if they are sautéed or finely diced (and cooked- no “dice” on raw ones).
  51. I’m a happy, loving drunk when I drink too much.
  52. I never got hangovers until around age 23.  As I’ve gotten older they’ve gotten worse. It hasn’t taken much of a learning curve for me.  I rarely overindulge anymore.
  53. My go to drink when I’m out (which is never anymore) is a vodka cranberry.
  54. I liked the movie Twilight a lot more than an adult should have.  Rock Star wanted to see it so I took her and I ended up really liking it.  I also liked Eclipse and the second part of Breaking Dawn.
  55. I always loved taking my kids to the movies and enjoyed pretty much all the movies we saw.  Fern Gully, out long before I ever had children, remains a favorite of mine.
  56. It took us four years to have Rock Star. When she was a baby I worked from home and would play the Disney Sing-Alongs for her to keep her occupied.  Whenever “The Circle of Life” from the Lion King would come on I would lift her above my head.  She was my Simba and I was showing her off for the world.
  57. I have been known to cry at commercials, especially the one where Peter comes home for Christmas and is making coffee for the family.
  58. I can’t stand snakes but I think lizards are cute, especially those little bearded dragons.
  59. I cannot bear to watch those ASPCA ads on television.  They break my heart.  I just want to take all of those poor, abused, and abandoned animals in and love them.
  60. I have to have something in front of me to drink whenever I’m eating.  It’s almost an obsession.  The irony is that I actually drink very little while I’m eating.  I tend to take small sips and drink most of my beverage at the end of the meal.  Weird, I know.
  61. Along those lines I typically cannot drink alcohol with a meal.  Some people love beer and pizza, or wine and pasta.  I can’t do that. It simply does not quench my thirst.  Alcohol, apparently for me, is a whole other food group!  The only time I can eat and drink alcohol at the same time is when I’m having a frozen margarita with Mexican food.
  62. I have been to every state west of the Mississippi except for Minnesota, North Dakota, Louisiana and Oregon. Some of them I may have only driven through but I’ve been there.
  63. Instead of keeping a baby book for my kids I instead had a cute baby calendar and marked all their firsts and milestones on it.  At the end of the first year I then turned around and created a large book for them, filled with pictures, stories, people who loved them, their birth story, and that year of firsts. Rock Star’s is laminated and in a 3-ring binder.  Poor Picasso has his story written out but no pictures and no actual book.  It’s still on the computer.
  64. Speaking of cousins… while I have a lot of cousins I only have 3 first cousins.  Both my mom and dad were one of two children.  My dad’s sister never had any children and my mom’s brother had two plus a stepchild. I think my dad has 5 first cousins. His mom was an only child and his dad was one of three.  The plethora of cousins actually comes from my mother’s side. Her mom was the oldest of 9 and her dad was one of six. That’s where they all come from and I don’t sleep with any of them.
  65. I have a really bad habit of chewing my straws after I’m finished with my drink (which could take hours since I drink so slowly).
  66. I have lived in college towns most of my life.
  67. I can drive a stick shift.
  68. This probably should have gone on my List of 100 Things I Love but I’ll put it here.  I love playing Phase 10.
  69. I also really love playing double deck bid euchre.  I haven’t played in years because so few people know how to play regular euchre, much less bid euchre, but I love it.
  70. I will play Bunko with you in a heartbeat.
  71. I don’t have to take charge but I will if no one else will step up.
  72. I was a Teacher Appreciation goddess.  When I saw my two teacher friends earlier this summer they both commented on it and how much they missed me.  “No one does it like you, Sam!”  That made me feel great.
  73. Aside from running Teacher Appreciation I actually like working on the administrative side of PTA better than working in the schools and carrying out activities. Make a note of that, people.  There will be a quiz.

And now you know a little bit more about me aside from my sad tale of woe with a cheating husband. Hopefully you are thinking, “Wow, that Sam sure sounds like a fascinating person!”

My 100 Things

I haven’t been blogging long, a mere six months, but I have some fairly faithful commenters and I like to think of them as friends.  One of those friends is Caroline, from Totally Caroline.  A few weeks ago she posted a list of 100 things that she loved.  Many of her readers created their own lists thanks to her inspiration.  So, in no particular order I give you my own list of 100 things that I love. Caroline, this list took many days of thought to compile!

  1. My kids
  2. My dogs
  3. Vodka
  4. The beach
  5. Fruity frozen margaritas
  6. My Freedom song list
  7. Hockey- I can’t skate and I am clueless when it comes to most of the rules (I think I understand offsides) but I love this game.  I don’t watch it on TV but I would go to the rink and watch any time I was asked.
  8. My friends
  9. The smell of lilacs- I’m only sorry that their blooming period seems to be so short.
  10. My family- my mom and my brother and sister-in-law have been so supportive throughout all of this and I love being an aunt.
  11. Traveling- I think this one is more in my mind than anything. I have traveled quite a bit through the US, and by travel I mean driving and visiting various sites on our travels.  I’ve only been out of the US three times- twice to Canada and once to Puerto Rico and two of the American Virgin Islands.  Of course, I’m not really sure those even count since they are US territories.  Yet I love the idea of traveling and would love to visit Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Greece, and Italy to name a few.
  12. Laughing- I love a man with a great sense of humor.  I like to laugh.  I love watching comedians.
  13. Chips and salsa
  14. Lemurs- they are so cute.  Sometimes I wish I were a zookeeper just so I could work with the lemurs.
  15. Wine- hmmmm…. you’d think I was an alcoholic by this list.  The reality is I rarely drink anymore.  I have nothing against it.  In fact I frequently have said I really should drink more.  But I don’t.  I’ll admit this as well:  I like sweet wine!  Oh, I know, it’s the in thing to go on and on about red wines; it’s so much more adult than Moscato or fruit infused wine.  You know what?  I don’t care.  I love Moscato and there is a vineyard close to where we’re moving that makes an amazing cherry wine.  Every now and then I’ll come across a great red wine but it never fails that I don’t get the name of it and then I’m off searching for another two years.
  16. I love the smell in the air after it rains in the Blue Ridge mountains.  It brings up memories of my childhood and the summers I would spend with my Mamaw. It is  a distinct aroma and it makes me happy each and every time I get to experience it.
  17. The Stephanie Plum series of books by Janet Evanovich
  18. Alexander Skaarsgard- and by love I mean lust.  He is a beautiful, beautiful man.
  19. Fondue
  20. The movie The Princess Bride- I do not think that word means what you think it means.
  21. Driving in a car, blasting music and singing songs by One Direction with my daughter- it could be any song really but I always like it when it’s a song that I wouldn’t necessarily be into if not for her.
  22. Having interesting conversations with my kids
  23. Homecoming videos of soldiers returning from deployment
  24. Rocking babies to sleep
  25. Crab legs
  26. My DVR- I know I criticize CF for all of his TV watching but hear me out.  First, I don’t neglect my kids in favor of watching TV.  Secondly, I can go days without watching anything.  I love my DVR for exactly that reason.  I hate commercials and rarely watch anything in real time.  I’ll pause a show for 20 minutes just so I can fast forward through the commercials.  That’s why I love my DVR.  I can watch when I want and don’t have to sit through ads.
  27. Bubble baths
  28. Spinach, mushroom and bacon omelets with Swiss cheese
  29. Gymnastics- Those girls are amazing!  The things they can get their bodies to do. They are typically tiny little girls but they are so strong and incredibly tough.
  30. Corny jokes
  31. Acting- I was voted Best Actress my senior year of high school.  I loved doing theater and I have thought about trying to return to it now that my kids are older.
  32. Christmas
  33. Sweet tea- I don’t like it too sweet and usually have it cut half and half in restaurants, but I make some pretty perfect sweet tea at home and I could drink a gallon a day.
  34. Soups on a chilly day
  35. A good fire whether it’s in the fireplace or a fire pit
  36. Making memories with my friends and family
  37. My crockpots
  38. Cooking
  39. Pandas- they look adorable, too.  I love the videos on Facebook where they’re getting into everything and driving their poor caretaker crazy.
  40. Writing- I’ve written short stories since I was in 4th or 5th grade.
  41. Rainy days, especially if I don’t have to be out in it
  42. Shark movies- I do not like horror movies at.all but I can watch shark movies all day long.
  43. Having everyone in my family together- I love the chaos, the mess, the camaraderie, the noise.  I find it blissful.
  44. Going to the movies by myself- I don’t have to consult anyone on what movie to see; no one tries to take my popcorn.  I don’t like going to dinner by myself and I’m not sure I would like to vacation by myself but I do love going to the movies all alone. To be clear, I enjoy going with others as well, but for me there’s something special about going into that darkened theater all by myself.
  45. Popcorn- I like both the air popped popcorn I pop at home, covered in butter, and movie theater popcorn.  I’ve been known to frequent a movie theater based upon the quality of their popcorn.  Back out west there was a theater chain that offered a refillable mug.  You purchased it for something like $12 and then could fill it up every time you watched a movie for $1.  They even offered a movie card where you could gain rewards- free tickets, small popcorn, drinks, candy, etc.  They had terrible popcorn though.  I started going to the other theater chain because they had excellent popcorn even though they didn’t offer rewards and their refills were $3.
  46. Skinny dipping- I haven’t done it in years but I love it.  Maybe I’ll get my pool cleaned out and go a few times before I move.
  47. San Diego- we’ve gone multiple times for gymnastics meets.  I might not like it if I had to live there but it’s one of my favorite places to visit.
  48. History- the historical kind, not mine.
  49. Memphis- one of my all time favorite cities.  I’ve seen many of the tourist sites: Graceland (like 6 times- long story), Mud Island (one of my favorites), Beale Street, the Memphis zoo, Pink Palace, Hunt-Phelan Home (this one was shut down over 15 yeas ago), St. Jude’s Hospital, wineries, the Peabody Hotel and the famous Peabody ducks.
  50. Candy crush
  51. Phase 10
  52. Diet Coke- I know it’s bad for me but it’s so good!  I remember spending a few weeks one summer in NYC when they were debuting it.
  53. Buffy the Vampire Slayer- one of my favorite TV shows!
  54. Polar bears
  55. Fall- I love everything associated with it: Halloween, cooler weather, soup, apple picking, caramel apples, cider, sweatshirts, a new school year, football games, tailgating
  56. Pinterest
  57. Trying new recipes
  58. Hammocks
  59. The movie Thelma & Louise
  60. Caramel vodka mixed with apple cider
  61. Great pizza
  62. Wings- I like the regular hot wings you usually order at restaurants but I’m addicted to the Asian Zing blend at Buffalo Wild Wings.
  63. Pickles- I like regular dill pickles and I love fried dill pickles dipped in Ranch dressing
  64. The movie The Sure Thing
  65. Gazing up into a star filled sky and pondering the universe
  66. Chocolate covered strawberries
  67. I love that every morning when she comes upstairs my daughter cries, “Mama!” and comes and gives me a big hug.
  68. My cell phone
  69. Hot chocolate with tons of marshmallows
  70. Fancy gourmet caramel apples- my favorite is a caramel apple that is then dipped in chocolate.
  71. The fact that my son, at age 14, will still kiss and hug me even in front of his friends
  72. Earl Grey tea
  73. Cheesecake
  74. I love it when my daughter’s friends hang out at the house even when she’s not home because they like being around me.
  75. Creamer in my coffee
  76. Falling asleep watching TV even when I tell myself I’m only resting my eyes
  77. Cute shoes
  78. The Cheesecake Factory and their Chicken Madeira
  79. Baby clothes, especially baby shoes.  There is just something so sweet and adorable about all those miniature bathing suits, sandals, boots, etc.
  80. My Keurig- I know that coffee snobs think they’re horrible, both for the environment and for the quality of coffee they produce, but I love the ease of mine.  Plus, I don’t drink a lot of coffee so it doesn’t make sense to make an entire pot.
  81. Sudoku
  82. Cleaning out ears- I know it’s weird and disgusting but I can’t help it.  I cannot resist a waxy ear; I have to clean it out.  My poor dogs don’t escape my prying Q-tips either.
  83. Similarly I love peeling people after a sunburn.  Let’s just go ahead and put these two in the category of weird and disgusting compulsions I have.  I’m fine with that.  I own it.
  84. Pineapple- I love it fresh and I love it grilled.
  85. The feeling you get when you have a clean house (I don’t know this feeling much anymore since having children 16 years ago)
  86. Dennis Miller- I have always loved his humor and once got to see a taping of his late night show.
  87. Running- I don’t do it anymore but I liked it when I was doing it.  I started off with the Couch to 5K program and always marveled at how the first week I could barely run the required 60 or 90 seconds and by the 10th week I was running 3 miles.  One day I’d like to run a marathon, especially because CF always told me it would be too hard for me.
  88. Chai tea
  89. Real butter
  90. Butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone incredible
  91. Cruises
  92. The smell of suntan lotion
  93. ID TV
  94. The Scrambler at amusement parks
  95. Hanging out at the water park all day underneath an umbrella, reading a book
  96. Looking at old pictures of my kids and of my younger years
  97. A great pair of sunglasses- I feel like I have a large head so it’s difficult to find sunglasses that I can wear that remain comfortable for long periods of time.  I find the best deals at Forever 21 and Charming Charlie’s.  They have comfortable sunglasses at great prices.
  98. My church- I’m really going to miss it when we leave.
  99. High school football games- I’m going to miss that when we move, too.  Rock Star’s first year we attended one game.  Last year I went to almost all the home games to watch her cheer, and even went to one away game with her because her boyfriend played.  This coming year I’m sure I would have been there for every home game because Rock Star would have been cheering and Picasso would have been playing in the marching band.
  100. My grandmother’s beef and noodles over mashed potatoes plus her green beans and strawberry shortcake- my favorite meal.

Hooray For Me

I swear, this house is falling down around me!  I get back home from shopping for a gift for one of Rock Star’s friends and the doorknob to the garage is hanging off on one side and completely off on the other side!  What the hell?  Do you think I’m not going to have a doorknob leading out to the garage?  Oh hell no!  I grab my trusty little screwdriver (okay, I had to look around for one) and go to work.

It took several attempts and I was getting extremely frustrated because it wasn’t as simple as screwing the screws back in.  Oh no!  You had to blindly line them up and then hope that you were actually hitting the hole and not just pushing them into empty space.  Because then they would fall out once again.  Finally I hit my mark.  Got those suckers screwed in properly and my doorknob is once again firmly attached and working like it should.

Screw you, Cousinfucker!  Your presence is not needed; I’ve got this!

Who’s Crying Now?

As I was telling my mom about the crybaby’s meltdown the topic of why he’s crying came up.  I touched on this the other day when I recounted all the “blessings” in his life:  working with his best friend at his dream job, only 2 hours away from his mommy so he can attend every family event, brand new whore of a girlfriend, a net gain of 2 children that have no idea what a shitty human being he is.  He left because he wasn’t happy.  All of that crap was supposed to make him happy and yet, according to him, he cries every single day for hours.

We’ve already established that when his lips are moving he’s lying but let’s pretend for one moment that he wasn’t only fishing for sympathy and that he really is having a tough time.  My first question is, “Why?” but then before he can answer I want to scream at him, “Shut up!  You disordered fuckwit!  You moved me away from all my friends, my support network, my volunteer activities that could have helped take my mind off of all of this crap. You moved me away from people who could have helped me get a job.  You cheated on me with your cousin- AGAIN!  You lied to me.  You played me for a fool.  You deceived me and stole from me.  You could have left two years ago and we would have all been in a much better place but no!  You moved my children away from everything they loved and knew and then you dropped a grenade into their lives.  For what?  So you can feel sorry for yourself and cry every day to garner sympathy from the enabling idiots with whom you surround yourself?”

I swear the man child cries more than I have and I was the one who was cheated on!  In fact, this post isn’t so much about him and his whining as it is about me and my kickass behavior.  Seriously!

I found out he was cheating on me six days after our insanely expensive pool was finally filled with water and our kids could swim in it.  I found out he was cheating with *her* again 4 days shy of my 2 year D-Day anti-versary and only a little more than a year after I moved across the country so he could have yet another dream job.  I found out he was cheating on me and giving her money and they were both saying horrible things about me less than a year after beginning to pay the mortgage on a brand new house, buying brand new furniture to go in that house, and purchasing a brand new car.  I had just switched cell phone carriers months earlier, paid for a license plate renewal for three years, and brought new cats into the household.  Did I whine and cry like a little bitch?  No.  I called around and made appointments to go see attorneys.  I found out where I stood once we divorced.

I didn’t spend my holidays and weekends with a new lover and his shiny new kids.  I spent them with my children and my family.  My bed was empty (unless you count 2 oversized dogs- which I don’t).

I haven’t had someone holding my hand this whole entire time, telling me I’m so pretty and so sexy and my husband never deserved me and this new guy, well, he’ll never treat me the shitty way my husband did.  I’ve gone through this divorce all by myself, wondering if I’ll ever even date again, much less find someone I love.

My family is 10 hours away and I have to pay roughly $80 in tolls to go visit them.  He lives 2 hours away from his family now.

He works alongside his idiot best friend.  Mine are all hundreds of miles away.

In every instance he got what he wanted, yet he continues to cry and portray himself as a victim who suffers endlessly at my hands.  He is the one that needs to be consoled every day and I am the one making sure the bills get paid, the pets are fed and the kids are taken care of.  All by myself.

Don’t get me wrong; I have my days.  Then again, I’m the one that got fucked over.  I’m entitled to a couple of rough days.  However, you will not find a single friend or relative that has seen me cry, much less cry for hours every day, on their shoulders.  Not once!  I save that shit for when I’m alone and I put on a brave face for the rest of the world.

I’m not against crying.  Lord knows I’ve done it before and I’ve certainly had my moments.  I bawled every day once I found out he had quit his job until I finally got the support check.  If you read here regularly you’ve come across my post, A Letter to My Kids.  Definitely not a shining moment for me.  I’ve had several posts like that where it’s overwhelming and I want to crawl under the covers and wake up a few years later.  But I’m not making a spectacle of myself like CF.  Then again maybe crying over the phone isn’t as satisfying as sobbing hysterically in person and all my friends are hundreds of miles away so ugly crying over the phone would have to do.  I do have a few friends here in this new town but they aren’t super close friends and I would never feel comfortable crying in front of them.

I don’t want to cry in front of my kids and upset them, although I did cry when I finally told them that we were divorcing.  That was one time, though, in the very beginning.  We all cried together and vowed to stick together.

As for my mom I told her recently, “I think you’re more devastated by this divorce than I am!”  To which she replied, “I think I am!”  She wasn’t especially close to him but she is astounded that he has done the things he has done; the idea that he could walk out the door and move out of the state without saying a word to his kids boggles her mind.  I know it hurts her to see me hurt and to know what I’m going through so I keep a stiff upper lip around her, too.  There’s nothing she can do for me anyway.

It comes down to this- there’s no point in crying about it.  What’s done is done.  I’m going to put on my big girl panties and walk through it.  Crying is not going to help me on my journey. I try to keep a sense of humor about this whole insane chapter of my life.  It’s not necessarily funny but laughing sure as hell beats crying.  Captain Cry Baby can wallow in self pity and cry for hours if that’s what makes him happy.  He wanted all of this; he got it and now he cries.  I never wanted any of this yet I’m the strong one; I’m soldiering on with nary a tear on anyone’s shoulder.  Shouldn’t this be the other way around?


Freedom- The Final List

Here it is- the final songs from my Freedom song list.  Enjoy!

  1. Fight Song by Rachel Platten  This is a perfect empowerment song.  It could be about anything and any obstacle.  I think the chorus is perfect:  This is my fight song. Take back my life song.  Prove I’m alright song.  My power’s turned on Starting Right now I’ll be strong.  I’ll play my fight song And I don’t really care if nobody else believes ‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.  Take that, CF!  You can’t break me.  You won’t destroy me.  I’ve got lots of fight left and lots of life left!
  2. Take It Back by Reba McEntire  Oh, good ol’ fiery Reba!  If this is how you act when you give your heart away then take it back!  Tell him, Reba!
  3. Brave by Sara Bareilles  She sings, “I wanna see you be brave.”  I reply, “I am doing my best.”
  4. I’ve Done Everything For You by Rick Springfield I had such a huge crush on this man back when I was in grade school.  But Rick knows what’s up.  He knows you can’t have a one-sided relationship!  I’ve done everything for you.  You’ve doing nothing for me!  Rick, I hear ya.  I’ve lived it.  I’m solidly in your corner.  I did everything shy of wiping his ass for him. He fucked his cousin for me.  Thanks!
  5. Slut by Scotty Vanity  Another one I enjoyed playing while CF is home.  I just wanted him to know what he’s got.  I think this sums it up:  Everywhere she goes she’s in skanky ass clothes.  Everybody knows she’s a slut.  That hoe ain’t got no class.  All the guys just want some ass.  They don’t even have to ask ‘cause she’s a slut.  Look at how she moves her body so promiscuous and naughty.  She’s a slut. She’s a slut.  She keeps acting like a tramp.  I guess she doesn’t give a damn ‘cause she’s a slut. She’s a slut. S.L.U.T.  S.L.U.T.  Why does she have to be such an S.L.U.T.  S.L.U.T.  She’s a slut.  She’s acting like she all but she’s just a booty call.
  6. You’re a Lie by Slash featuring Myles Kennedy & the Conspirators  You may have guessed this already with the first song on this list being by Alice Cooper but in my high school and college days I loved me a good head banging song.  I was a huge Guns -N-Roses fan.  This one has Slash playing guitar.  I think the title pretty much sums up my ex:  You’re a Lie.  You bled me out, you tore me down  Your time has come, you can go  ‘Cause you’re a lie (lie) lie (lie)  All my faith has been wasted (wasted) ‘Cause you’re a lie (lie), lie (lie).  Mmm hmmm.  Seems about right.

Reaching way back, Tanya Tucker sings the next two songs.  Country music seems to be full of cheating and empowering songs.  Perhaps that’s because it’s been said that country music always involves drinking, women, and cheating.  Hmmm…

7. Walking Shoes   These are probably two of the first country songs I heard where the woman wasn’t begging her man to stay.  They definitely made an impression!  As she sings:  I’m gonna put on my walkin’ shoes tonight.  Well I’m a-leavin’ here ‘cause you don’t treat me right.  All you do is make me cry So now I’m a-gonna say goodbye.  I’m gonna put on my walkin’ shoes tonight… I’m the best thing, baby, that you ever had.  When you find that out you’re gonna feel so bad.  You’ll beg me, please, come back home to you But it’s too late I’m puttin’ on my walkin’ shoes.  She also has an old travelin’ hat and an all over coat.  It’s a full wardrobe of “I’m outta here!”                                                                             8. Down to My Last Teardrop  Baby this ain’t the first time you’ve done it to me. Honey it’s gonna be the last time.  And I know you think that I’ll be goin’ out of my mind Crying you a river that winds and winds and winds Oh but baby I’m down to my last teardrop this time.  I don’t care who or what you’re doin’.  Ain’t gonna be no more boohooin’.  Baby this time I swear it’s the truth I ain’t gonna cry no more for you.  Uh-uh…. And you might want to talk to me, you might want to call.  But you won’t hear nothin’ out of me at all Cause baby I ain’t got nothin’ left to say Honey I’ll just be on my way.  My sentiments exactly, Tanya!

9. 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train  This is a fun, quirky little song.  He’s not actually plotting her death; he just has a lot of bizarre explanations for where she is, and all of those explanations involve untimely deaths instead of simply saying she broke up with him.  I do, however, like to imagine all of those things happening to CF.  Let’s see we’ve got: went down in an airplane (this is a possibility; he does travel occasionally- fingers crossed!), fried getting suntanned (I don’t see that happening with him), fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand, met a shark under water, fell and no one caught him, caught in a mudslide, eaten by a lion (oh please, please, please!!!!), got run over by a crappy purple Scion, dried up in the desert, drowned in a hot tub, and danced to death at an east side night club (not in a million years).  We could add drank himself to death.  Drove off a mountain returning from the whore’s house.  Trampled by Louisville fans.  Oh, the list is endless.  Honestly, I don’t pray for his death.  It’s not that I’m nice when it comes to him.  I’m practical.  Dead men don’t pay spousal or child support.                                                                                                                                         10. One More Minute by Weird Al Yankovic  Hey, we all need a little comedy in our life.  Al’s humor is a little dark on this one; I’m not going to lie.  These are just a few of the things he says he would rather do than spend one more minute with you:  eat shards of broken glass, get a hundred thousand paper cuts on his face, rip out his intestines with a fork, have his blood sucked out by leeches, shove an ice pick under a toenail or two, clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with his tongue, and finally… rip his heart out of his ribcage with his bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it ’til he dies.

Freedom- Part 7

We are almost to the end, my friends.  I hope you’ve found some good music along this journey. I know it’s a random assortment of songs- hard rock, Connie Francis, country, pop… A little something for everyone, I suppose.

  1. Bye Bye Bye by ‘NSync.  I was never the biggest boy band fan.  I don’t think I even realized how popular this song was when it first came out. I’m going to blame it on having a baby and succumbing to the allure of The Wiggles.  I was all- mashed potato, mashed potato and they were all- bye bye bye!  But recently I heard it and I think it fits on my list.  It’s fun, it’s catchy, and hey, you can dance to it!  No lyrics needed; the title says it all.  Bye, bye, bye!
  2. Wish You the Worst by O’Shea   There is another song by Katy Perry with this exact title.  I’ve listened to it on YouTube but I can’t find the song on iTunes.  However, when I put the title into the search function this one by O’Shea came up.  It’s actually very similar to the one Katy Perry sings.  Let me be the first to wish you the worst.  I hope the both of you never make it to happily ever after.  All the lies you told, I hope you get what you deserve.  Let me be the first to wish you the worst.  My sentiments exactly.  May the both of you get exactly what you deserve!  The chorus in Katy’s version goes like this:  Let me be the first to wish you the worst ‘Cause I think you deserve each other.  Let me be the curse That creeps under your skin Until your heart caves in And you wish she was me.

I love me some P!nk.

3. F**kin’ Perfect  I picked this first song to remind myself of my worth. Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than fucking perfect.  I do remind myself of this.  He may not have seen my true worth but I do.                                                                  4. So What   A perfect “Fuck You” song:  So, so what?  I’m still a rock star, I got my rock moves, And I don’t need you, And guess what, I’m having more fun, And now that we’re done, I’m gonna show you tonight, I’m alright, I’m just fine, And you’re a tool, So, so what, I am a rock star, I got my rock moves, And I don’t want you tonight.                                                  5. Blow Me (One Last Kiss)  As she says:  I think I’ve finally had enough.  Yep, being moved thousands of miles away after forgiving you for your first emotional affair with the whore, tearing our kids’ lives apart, and then finding out you’re fucking the whore and giving her all of our money will do that to a person.  It was actually a pretty quick decision.  And as a little warning:  You will pay for your sins, you’ll be sorry my dear All the lies, all the why’s, will all be crystal clear. 

6. Blame It On Your Heart by Patty Loveless   Going back to the 90s for this one!  I told you those country women aren’t taking it anymore!  As Patty sings:  Are you headed for a heartache, oh yeah.  Gonna get a bad break, oh yeah.  You made a bad mistake, oh yeah.  Well, you’re never gonna find another love like mine.  Someone’s gonna do you like you done me honey And when she does you like she’ll do you, it ain’t funny You need some sympathy But don’t be calling me Hey blame it on your lying, cheating, cold deadbeating, two-timing, double-dealing mean mistreating loving heart                                                                                 7. You Will also by Patty Loveless  This song isn’t completely on point here but I do love the implications:  When you know, and you will, it wasn’t meant to be.  When she walks, and she will, you’re gonna come to me.  When she lies and she will.  When all is said and done.  When you cry and you will, you’re gonna wanna run…  When you hurt, you will.  Who’s gonna sympathize?  Well, she won’t. But I will…  Ah, see that’s where she loses me.  Because I will not sympathize.  I’ll be sitting in a comfy chair with a big bowl of popcorn and a vodka and cranberry, laughing my ass off and reminding him to keep his insurance policy up to date if he’s going to kill himself.  All topped off with a big ol’, “I told you so!”                                                                                                                                8. Girlfriend by Pebbles  Nothing like one of your girlfriends telling you to get out, that he’s not worth the misery and pain.  Girlfriend, how could you let him treat you so bad?  Girlfriend, you know you are the best he ever had.                                                                                

9. I Don’t Care Anymore by Phil Collins   Another Fuck You song.  Nothing is better than letting your cheating, lying douchebag know that you just don’t care anymore.  There is nothing left.  I don’t care what you say.  I never did believe you much anyway.  I won’t be there no more so get out of my way.  Let me by I got better things to do with my time.  I don’t care anymore.                                                                                                                   10. She’s a Whore byThe Poxy Boggards   Need I say more? I simply love hearing the refrain of:  She’s a whore, yes, a whore. A lass of myth and lore.  A pontifex of oral sex, She’ll ride ya ‘til you’re sore. She’s a whore, yes a whore.  She is dear to fleet and corps. Her legs are splayed, we’ll all get laid by the whore that we adore.

Freedom Part #6

Are you getting tired of my list of songs?  I hope not.  I told you in the beginning that there were 83 of them.  That makes for one long list.

  1. Someday by Mariah Carey   Yet another song from way back in the day.  But yes, he was so blind to let me go, especially when he’s leaving for a gold-digging whore.  Maybe now you just can’t conceive that there’ll ever be a time when you’re cold and lonely…. But when you’re down in your time of need and you’re thinking that you might be coming back to own me just think again ‘cause I won’t need your love anymore.
  2. Independence Day by Martina McBride  Another song about domestic violence and yet it continues to have a message of empowerment.   Let freedom ring.  Let the white dove sing.  Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning.  Let the weak be strong.  Let the right be wrong.  Roll the stone away.  Let the guilty pay.  It’s Independence Day.  And let the cheater live a life of misery.  It’s Independence Day!
  3. Lips Are Movin’ by Meghan Trainor   I think the title says it all.  This is my motto with CF.  If his lips are movin’ then he’s lyin’.

I have no idea what happened between Blake and Miranda but I’m hoping he didn’t cheat on her because this bitch be crazy!  Nothing like a little Miranda to feel kickass!  I also want to note that while Blake did leave his first wife for Miranda from what little I’ve read it sounds like he did try to do the right thing and leave his wife before hooking up with her, although I’m sure that’s of little solace to her.  And hey, if that’s not the way it played out then I suppose the first Mrs. Blake Shelton is having a nice little laugh right about now.  Karma can certainly be a bitch.

4. Gunpowder & Lead  Another one of those songs that isn’t about cheating.  It’s about domestic violence and a woman who turns the tables on him and kills him.  His fist is big but my gun’s bigger.  He’ll find out when I pull the trigger.  I keep this one on the list because I used to have it as one of my alarms and it supposedly scared the shit out of CF.  But as I always told him, “Honey, guns are messy and there is always an investigation.  If I ever decide to kill you I’ll poison you and make it look like a heart attack.”  I must have said it with a big enough smile on my face because that self-righteous, sanctimonious, whiny, yellow-bellied coward actually had the balls to cry about me no longer feeding him. After I found out about Harley.                                          5. Mama’s Broken Heart  Again, not really about cheating or empowerment, but damn, she does crazy very well.                                                                                                                      6. Baggage Claim   Listening to this song I think it pretty much sums up my life with CF.  He’s got so many issues he should be a comic book.  I have been draggin’ around your sensitive ego.  Check.  Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show.  Check.  And then she gets real:  At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name. When you hit the ground check the lost and found cause it ain’t my problem now.  Finally she tells him:  You better call your momma when you get to town cause I ain’t gonna be hangin’ around.  Check.  Call your mommy, CF, so she can enable you and tell you what a wonderful person you are.  She can handle all your baggage now, along with your sister, your best friend, and your “soul mate”.                                                        7. Somethin’ Bad by Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood   This so completely does not belong on this list but it’s here.  Two kickass women on a somewhat shady adventure.  That’s empowering, right?

8. Wrong Song by Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere from the cast of Nashville  I was going to say that I know country music sometimes has a reputation for the women being all “stand by your man” but look at most of the songs on this list!  They’re country songs and these women are making lists and checking off names!  I think early country music was very stand by your man, but most of today’s hits are all about taking your power back.  Rant over.  This one was performed on the television show, “Nashville”.  I like it because it harkens back to those times when the woman was expected to forgive and forget, and as Connie and Hayden (Or Rayna and Juliette, if we’re going by the characters on the show) sing, “You’ve got the wrong song.”  If you think you’re gonna hear how much I miss ya.  If you’re needin’ to feel better ‘bout yourself.  If you’re wantin’ to hear me say I forgive you cause the tequila turned you into someone else.  If you’re looking for one more chance, a little stand by your man.  You got the wrong song coming through your speakers.  This one’s about a liar and a cheater.  Didn’t know what he had ’til it was gone.  You got the wrong girl ‘cause I got your number.  Don’t know what kind of spell you think I’m under.  This ain’t a feel good everything’s fine sing-along.  You got the wrong song.  Tell me boy was she worth every minute.  I hope you had the time of your life.  You made your bed, now go lie in it.  All I got to say to you is goodbye.  How’d you think I’d react?  Saying baby come back….. Everybody makes mistakes.  We can work it out.  Wouldn’t it be nice if that’s what I was singing now.                                                                                             9. That’s How You Know by Nico & Vinz featuring Kid Ink and Bebe Rexha  This song has nothing to do with cheating but it is a humorous look at the various ways you know that you’ve fucked up.  I’m going to eventually write my own verse for CF but until then I’ll just be belting out the chorus and thinking of him and his stupidity.      10. Feeling Good by Nina Simone  I debated about which version to download but went with the original.  For me, this is a song of hope.  It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me.  And I’m feeling good.

Still Singing Along To Freedom- #5

And…. another 11 songs for you!

  1. Roar by Katy Perry  Rumor has it that this song is one she made after her divorce from Russell Brandt.  Maybe it was coincidence.  Maybe she really did sing a “Fuck You” song.  I say, “Good for you!  And good for all of us who are taking our power back and not listening to a cheating husband anymore!”  I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath.  Scared to rock the boat and make a mess.  So I sit quietly, agree politely.  I guess that I forgot I had a choice.  I let you push me past the breaking point.  I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything.  You held me down but I got up.  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear my voice, you hear that sound.  Like thunder gonna shake the ground.  You held me down but I got up.  Get ready ‘cause I’ve had enough.  I see it all, I see it now.  I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire.  ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.  Louder, louder than a lion.  ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.
  2. Stop Cheatin’ On Me by Kellie Pickler  I couldn’t resist.  I envision myself singing along to this in a large room filled with people who matter to Cousinfucker.  Saving face is extremely important to him.  They would both be there. Captive audience.  I take the microphone and say:  I’d like to dedicate this to my husband.  And then right before the chorus I ad lib his name:  Cousinfucker, Stop cheatin’ on me.  It ain’t that hard to do.

Kelly Clarkson has the next two songs on the list.  I listen to these two songs with the radio blasting!  I want to note that I do really like “Walkaway” as well, but it didn’t seem to be as much about a cheater or revenge, just that she needed a man, not a boy, and wasn’t going to put up with his indecision.  But, there are songs on this list that aren’t necessarily in those categories so I can see myself eventually putting it on my list.

3. Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson   But since U been gone I can breathe for the first time.  I’m so moving on.  Yeah, yeah.  Thanks to you now I get what I want.  Since U been gone.  You had your chance you blew it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Shut your mouth I just can’t take it.                                                                                                                                               4. Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) again by Kelly Clarkson   I have blasted this song on my radio way too many times to count.  So very many of the lyrics resonate with me, but the one line I keep reminding myself of is this:  You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning.  That can sometimes be so hard to keep in mind, especially when you’re not a 20-something music superstar.  Or you’re just not young anymore.  Or you’re not thin anymore.  Or you have two teenagers.  Or, or, or….  But this is going to be my new beginning.  And just for shits and giggles, this is dedicated to you, CF:  You know the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone.  You know I dream in color and do the things I want.  You think you got the best of me, think you got the last laugh.  Bet you think that everything good is gone.  Think you left me broken down.  Think that I’d come running back.  Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong…. You didn’t think that I’d come back, I’d come back swinging.  You try to break me but you see  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller.  Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.  What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter.  Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone.  SUCK IT!

5. I by Kendrick Lamar  If you read through all of the lyrics this might not be the best song ever but I do love the chorus where he belts out over and over again:  I love myself!  I just keep telling myself that.

The next two songs are by Kimberly Caldwell; I love her voice and I really appreciate these two songs.

6. Hotter Without You  This song is all about getting out of a bad relationship.  Call it a marriage and put me down for almost 21 years and we could be twins!  You held me down.  You made me look like a different person.  Oh yeah.  Definitely.  ‘Cause baby I’m so much hotter without you now that we’re done.  It feels so good to breathe and know that I can do what I want.  I’m better off tonight ‘cause I’m alive and fine and in the end I don’t care ‘cause I know I’m hotter without you.  I thought it’d be hard.  I thought it’d take long.  I’m so over it.  Thanks to you I found the best of me now that we are history, and I am free from all your lies.  So guess who’s laughing now.  You’re on your own.                                       7. Going Going Gone  Another one that’s not taking any shit:  If you needed more love then you should of just spoke up.  Instead of posing, making me think everything was fine…. But this time I really mean it, I’m done…  Don’t blink if you’re looking for me ‘cause I’m going going gone this time, yeah.  Don’t think you can do this to me.  There’s no more deceiving, this time I’m leaving.  I’m gone.  Yep, you got a second chance, CF, and you blew it!

8. Unbreakable by Laurell  This is a new discovery.  You tossed me aside right outta your mind . Your love was a lie, such a waste of time.   You can leave with your heart but you ain’t takin’ mine.  Might hurt but I’ll be just fine.  Moving on.  Moving On.  Getting Strong.  Getting Stronger.  Nothing wrong.  Nothing Wrong.  Ain’t Lookin’ Back  Cause I’ve been down and out.  And I’ve been thrown away.  Felt the darkness of doubt but I know I’ll see another day.  Well I walked through the fire.  I’ve been burned to the ground.  But watcha got here is a fighter.  And you’re never gonna stop me now.  I’m unbreakable… Well I’ma stand tall Just like a brick wall Ain’t no porcelain doll  So bring on the wrecking ball.  Give it your all.  You won’t see me fall.  I’m unbreakable.

Lily Allen sings the next two songs.  What can I say?  I love her potty mouth.  She’s not afraid to speak her mind. You always know exactly where you stand with her.

9. Fuck You  This has a delightful melody.  It’s not about cheating but the sentiment remains the same.  Fuck you!  Fuck you very very much. Cause we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew. So please don’t stay in touch.  Fuck you!  Fuck you very very much.  Cause your words don’t translate and it’s getting quite late.  So please don’t stay in touch.  That is exactly how I feel about Cousinfucker and his whole messed up family.            10. Smile  I am so hoping I get to sing this about him and Harley.  At first when I see you cry It makes me smile  Yeah it makes me smile  At worst I feel bad for a while  But then I just smile I go ahead and smile.

11.  Unapologetic Bitch by Madonna  I discovered this song only a few days ago.  As you might imagine it’s quite sassy.  In my more confident days this is how I feel.  Woke up this morning feeling good that you were gone . Hurt for a while, but I’m finally moving on.  Hell ya I am!  It almost killed me, but I’m better off alone.  True story.  Everyone tells me that.  I think my favorite line though is:  You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me.  Well fuck you.  And that, folks, is the moral of the story.