Freedom! And So It Continues #3

Again, I apologize for the formatting.  WordPress is not a fan of Macs, I guess.  On the list today is a new to me artist Christy McDonald, the amazing Connie Francis, Eurythmics, Destiny’s Child, and Eminem of all people. Hey, the dude has some anger issues!  This is useful to me.

  1. Cheater by Christy McDonald  I also recently discovered this song.  Why ya gotta be a cheater, cheater? she asks repeatedly.  Christy, that’s an excellent question and I would love to know the answer, although I’m sure he would say it’s all my fault.

The next two are by Connie Francis.  Say what?  I know.  I’m reaching way back.  But give her a try.  She’s more than just her hit song, “Where the Boys Are” (although make no mistake- that song is excellent!).

2. Who’s Sorry Now  An oldie but a goodie!  Right ’til the end, just like a friend I tried to warn you somehow.  You had your way.  Now you must pay.  I’m glad that you’re sorry now.  I did indeed try to warn him.  And he will indeed be sorry.  It may take a few more months, but it will happen.                                                                                                                 3. Lipstick on Your Collar  I like this one because Connie, like most female singers of that time period, did a lot of the ol’ “I love you so much, please come back to me, I don’t care what you did to me or how you did me wrong”.  So this one was a nice change.  Lipstick on your collar told a tale on you.  Lipstick on your collar said you were untrue. Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through.  Cause lipstick on your collar told a tale on you.

4. Survivor by Destiny’s Child.  This whole song is an anthem of how much better off life is without the cheater (or person, in this case.  I don’t know if it was written specifically about a cheater.)  They sing:  Now that you’re out of my life I’m so much better.  You thought that I’d be weak without you but I’m stronger.  You thought that I’d be broke without you but I’m richer.  You thought that I’d be sad without you.  I laugh harder.  You thought I wouldn’t grow without you.  Now I’m wiser.  Thought that I’d be helpless without you but I’m smarter.  You thought that I’d be stressed without you but I’m chillin’.  YES!                                                                                                                                                             5. I’m Still Standing by Elton John  ‘Nuff said!

The next four songs are by Eminem; the first two feature Rihanna and the last one features Skylar Grey.  The Monster doesn’t really seem to apply to this list but I liked the song.  I know there are a few other songs later on that don’t make much sense.  I can only say I liked the songs and they make me feel happy.  And hey, if there’s anything we can learn from cheaters, it’s that whatever makes them happy is the most important thing of all!  I know some of the lyrics to his songs are misogynistic so I’m going to offer the same excuse my daughter gives me when I’m giving her a hard time about the lyrics to some of the songs she likes.  She always says:  Mom, I don’t listen to the lyrics; I just like the beat!  So, I’m not listening to most of the lyrics; I just listen to the chorus.

6. The Monster  I could take this one of two ways.  Either I’m crazy and enjoying it, or CF was crazy and enjoying.  I think we’ll go with him being crazy.                                       7. Love the Way You Lie   Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.  But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.  Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.  But that’s alright, because I love the way lie.  I love the way you lie.  Need we say more?                                       8. So Much Better  My life would be so much better if you just dropped dead. I was laying in bed last night  thinking and this thought just popped in my head  And I thought, wouldn’t shit just be a lot easier if you dropped dead?  I would feel so much better.  Eminem just gets me!                                                                                                                                                              9. Asshole  I love the chorus.  It’s short and to the point.  Everybody knows that you’re just an asshole.  Everywhere that you go, people want to go home, everyone knows.  Everybody knows, so don’t pretend to be nice.  There’s no place you can hide, you are just an asshole.  Everyone knows, everyone knows. 

10. Would I Lie to You by the Eurythmics  Hey, lookie there, another song about lying!  Would I lie to you?  Would I lie to you, honey?  Now would I say something that wasn’t true?  I’m asking you sugar, would I lie to you?  Of course you would, CF!

Freedom! Part 2

Sorry about the formatting.  Here is part 2 of my Freedom song list.  Carrie Underwood plays a major part in this list.

  1. I’ll Survive you by BC Jean.  This is simply a beautiful, haunting song.  I love her vocals.  The song isn’t defiant the way some others are.  It’s just a very simple, strong statement.  ‘Cause I don’t need you to want me.  I’ve got my pride.  I’ll survive you.  Even with all these wounds.  I’m alright.  I’ll undo all of the damage you’ve done to my life.  That’s right.  You’re not gonna see me cry.  This time I’ll survive you…. ‘Cause over and over again you said you were locked in the cage but I was the one with the chains.  Now I’m raising my flag once again.
  2. Fuck You by Burn Halo  You would be amazed at how many songs have that as a title!  I’ve got 2 of them on my Freedom list alone! I forgot how to breathe… I’ll break these chains… So fuck you for bringing me down. What goes around comes around.  Now I stand here waiting.  And fuck you for all the shit that you said. I’ll get inside of your head as I stand here waiting. I now stand on my own. And I found a new direction far from darkness.  I have overcome all.

Carrie Underwood sings the next six songs.  I debated putting Cowboy Casanova on here but I decided that was more of a warning song than a revenge or empowering song.  Maybe one day I’ll add it on.  This is an ever evolving list.

3. Undo It  … I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games.  I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face.  You stole my happy, you made me cry, took the lonely and took me for a ride.  And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it.  You had my heart, now I want it back.  I’m starting to see everything you lack.  You want my future, you can’t have it.  I’m still trying to erase you from my past.  I need you gone so fast.  I am eternally grateful for my children but I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it, too!              4. Before He Cheats  Does anyone really need lyrics to this song?  You go, girl!  I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats.  I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires.  Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.  Of course, my favorite line for CF’s whore would be:  Right now she’s probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke.  That pretty much describes her in my opinion.                                                                                      5. Dirty Laundry  This is off of her new album and it was just put on the list.  I love it!  It’s a song about a woman who discovers her lover cheating and she tosses his sorry ass out. Now I’ma have to hang you out to dry, dry, dry.  Clothespin all your secrets to the line, line, line.  Leave ‘em blowing in the wind, just say goodbye to you… All the Ajax in the world ain’t gonna clean your dirty laundry.  In the next verse she warns:  If the neighbors get to asking, I won’t cover nothin’ up.  I’ll tell ‘em every little detail…                                           6. Church Bells  Also off her new album.  I wasn’t going to put this one on because it was about domestic abuse and not cheating but then I got to thinking…. I included Gunpowder & Lead which is about domestic abuse and CF always said that song scared him because she killed the guy and he thought maybe I was getting ideas.  So I figure, why not?  Here’s another one for ya, Cousinfucker!                                                                   7. Chaser  Yet another one off of her new album.  I love songs about strong, empowered women who aren’t going to put with the cheater’s shit.  She’s got quite a few good lines in this song like:  I’m gonna mean it when I’m telling you goodbye, or …you ain’t doing me any kind of favors sticking around this one horse town tonight… I’m done letting you be my heartbreaker.  So go ahead and chase her.  She also tells him:  Yeah, the grass ain’t always greener over on the other side…. Cause you’re the kind that can’t stay for too long in a sad place.  You’ll be looking for me when you change your mind.                            8. Two Black Cadillacs  This is another one I debated putting on my list, mainly because it involves both the wife and mistress finding out they’ve both been played and then killing the man in the middle.  I originally wasn’t going to include it because the whore knew full well CF was married and I can’t foresee a time that I would be working with her unless it was to help her off a ledge; however, I decided the most important part was the cheater ended up dead.  So it’s on here.  Fear is good!

9. Cell Block Tango/He Had It Comin’ from the Chicago soundtrack  The ultimate revenge song!  Some men just can’t hold their arsenic!  Or… He ran into my knife.  He ran into my knife TEN TIMES.  Hey!  I know a convicted murderer who has used that same excuse!  God help me.

10.Fighter by Christina Aguilera I like this one because I refuse to let him break me. ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger.  Makes me work a little bit harder.  Makes me that much wiser.  So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster.  Made my skin a little bit thicker.  Makes me that much smarter.  So thanks for making me a fighter.     11. Beautiful also by Christina Aguilera  I put this one on the list just to remind myself of my worth.  I am beautiful no matter what they say.  Words can’t bring me down.  I am beautiful in every single way.

Today Is a New Day! Thank God!

Today’s post is going to have a religious slant to it so I apologize in advance to any atheists or agnostics I may offend.  Actually, here’s a quick tip if talk of God offends you:  Just skip over today’s post.  Thanks!

I believe I have mentioned how we have started going back to church.  We like the new church.  It’s fun.  It’s interesting.  Great coffee bar.  I’m not heavily involved yet but I enjoy going and look forward to it on Sundays.

As many of you may have realized yesterday was not a good day for me.  I broke my mother’s heart (I’m sorry, Mom!) and made someone else cry.  I was doing a lot of crying myself.  Where am I going with this?  I swear there is a point!

I browsed through Facebook yesterday and a woman with whom I went to church years ago posted this:  Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  If you do this, you will experience God’s peace.  Philippians 4:6-7a

Being a smart ass I decided to give it a try.  I swear to you this is my prayer almost verbatim:  Dear God, Could you please make my jackass soon-to-be-ex husband pay me my damn money?  Thanks!

I didn’t thank Him for all He has done.  I intend to get right on that though because let me tell you- my prayer was answered!

For those of you not following along in the comments section I did get my check finally.  Hooray!  Now I can breathe for another 2 weeks or so.  I also found out this morning that Cousinfucker DID indeed get his bonus check.  Now, he could try to screw me over and insist he got way less than last year but I have faith my new lawyer won’t let that happen.  So, the pool will be paid off soon and I should be receiving a lump sum of money that I intend to set aside for taxes and lawyer fees.

I’m back to my original plan of staying here until Rock Star graduates.  I’m hoping to hear soon from a vocational rehab specialist (I think that’s the title) to see where I should put my energies.  I have a degree already but I never used it.  Cousinfucker moved us around so much in the first 5-6 years of our marriage and we intended for me to get pregnant and stay home with our kids so I did mainly secretarial jobs.  That’s great when you’ve got a husband making decent money.  Not so great when you’re trying to support yourself and two teenagers who have had everything on that salary. I don’t want to go back to school for a more viable degree only to find out no one will hire someone nearing her 50s.  So I want to find what fields are hiring, if they hire older entry level people and what kind of money we’re looking at.

The next step is to figure out if I’m going to try to work full time and go to school part time, go to school full time and work part time, or any other combination. I’m still a fair distance away from my family, I don’t have a huge number of friends here, and Cousinfucker has moved out of the state so I don’t have a big support network to help me out.  I’m also very cautious about repeatedly asking for favors.  Because of that I’m going to be juggling all of this on my own- school, job, kids.  That’s ok, though.  I am woman, hear me roar.  I’ve got this once I can finally get on a road to somewhere.

To all of you who checked up on me, thank you!  I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Here’s to today!  And to Philippians 4:6-7a.

Is My New Lawyer Psychic?

I saw another lawyer last week.  I liked her and I decided to switch.  I have many reasons for making the switch but key among them would be communication and the fact that I think my previous attorney botched my case.  Not an all out, Oh my God, I’m ruined, kinda botched.  But he definitely did not do me any favors or get me the best deal possible.

First interesting moment of the conversation with her was when she told me that everything in the court order is modifiable.  And there is a lot I’d like to see modified.  The funny part though is due to Cousinfucker quitting his job and leaving the state I now have a material change in circumstances.  Of course, I can be granted anything by the court but it doesn’t mean shit if he’s going to defy the court order or believes he’s untouchable because he’s out of state.  He probably thought he was going to screw me by getting everything excluded from his annual salary except his base pay and then turning around and getting a new job with a potentially higher base pay, even if the bonuses aren’t as good.  He thought he would screw me by promising half of his bonus check and to pay off the pool with that money and then leaving his job and doing neither of those two things.  Turns out the joke’s on him because with him taking this new job I can now go back and ask to have support re-evaluated.  And this time, when he has to throw in extra to cover marital debt my attorney is going to have that excluded from spousal support.  It will show up as a contribution to the marital debt, which it is, instead of as spousal support to me.  And as far as the bonus check is concerned I still have hope that he actually received it before leaving his company, but if he didn’t I would love to drag his ass before a judge and have him explain why he agreed to something only to turn around and voluntarily resign from his job no more than six weeks later.

The second moment was when the lawyer told me she was concerned for his mental well being.  She said there were a lot of red flags coming up for her and she was very concerned that he was going to have a complete mental breakdown, especially when Harley dumps him.  I explained that two years ago when he was confiding in Jezebel about his affair he told her that Harley made him happy and I remarked that according to Harley he is Daddy of the Year and she’s never been happier.  This is where it begins to get really interesting.

She looked at me and said, “Are you really going to take her word for it?  She’s a married woman with four kids having an affair with her cousin.  He’s a paycheck to her, a sugar daddy.”

Wow!  Here is a woman who has never met me, Cousinfucker or Harley and yet she has said the exact same thing that I have said, that family members have said.  I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong and that she’s not the real love of his life.  I wonder if I say she’s just a gold digging whore to make myself feel better.  But here is a woman who has seen many, many divorces over the years.  She’s been doing this a long time.  And she has made the same observation.  In many ways it’s validation.  I continue to wrestle with the idea that this is not my fault.  Rationally I know it is not.  But in my insane moments (yes, I do have those!) I keep coming back to the old, “What if I didn’t do this?  What if I did that?  Maybe I should have done this.”  This lady put it all in perspective.  I am correct!  He’s a paycheck to Harley.  She’s a desperate, gold digging mother of four who has found a sugar daddy.  I’m hoping to help him run out of sugar quite soon.

The other thing she said that really resonated was I am the one that kept him grounded.  She had already told me how there were a lot of red flags for her when I told her my story.  She then mentioned that he has this nice little fantasy life going on and once things crumble she’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep it together.  She is very worried that he will end up having a complete breakdown and lose his job.  As she put it (and I’m going to paraphrase here):  When things come crashing down you’re not going to be there to help put them back together this time.  And I have a feeling you were that person- you kept it all going, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.  Again, I have to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”

I was indeed that person.  I don’t think he has any idea how much bullshit I put up with in order to keep things going.  I took care of the house, the pets, the kids, him.  I cooked.  I cleaned.  I did his laundry.  The man never had to put away his own clothes for crying out loud!  I washed them, dried them, folded them, and put them away!  He never had to wash a dish.  He was the pampered king.  When he would freak out over something small and insignificant I was the one being the soothing voice of reason.  I was the one who would take charge, make the phone calls, get the job done, and interact with the people.  When he got sick I was the one taking care of him, calling the doctor’s office, taking him to the doctor’s or the ER, sitting with him, running interference for him.  In short, I was awesome.  He no longer has me around to do all of those things.  I can’t be certain but I have a definite feeling that Harley is not going to do those things either.  She’s in it for the money, the good times, the attention.  She is not going to be eager to deal with the real him and she’s certainly not going to be standing by him if he ever loses his job and spirals down into a heap of self pity.

So now in addition to being left after twenty plus years, abandoned in a new town that he insisted we move to, him deserting his two children, and him quitting his job and moving out of state I also get to wait for the inevitable breakdown.  I’ve gotta be honest here.  I’m kinda looking forward to it on the one hand.  On the other hand, he’s not going to be of any use to me in a psych ward, or as an alcoholic who can’t keep a job.  It’s a real quandary, I tell you.  I’d love to see him suffer (hey, I’m only human!) but I’m beginning to think that if he suffers the kids and I will suffer as well.  What to do…. What to do….

I AM Mighty, Dammit!



I told you I’d get my head out of my ass.  Some days you have to roll in the mud, get all filthy, and then stand up and clean yourself off.  Some days you have to wallow in the sorrow before you can tackle the problems head on.  Hello, today!

Even though I’ve spent the weekend not feeling mighty the fact remains that I am.  I AM MIGHTY!  Let me list the ways…

  1. I did manage to change the damn vacuum belt.  Like I said yesterday, that was a task I always handed over to CF.  But he wasn’t around and I figured it out.  Just like I’ll repair the face of our drawer that fell off.  Just like I’ll figure out how to replace the screen door on our porch (with one that the dogs *won’t* ram their heads through thereby ruining the screening).  Just like I’ll end up cleaning up the backyard and making it look decent.  All without him.  Why?  Because I don’t need him.
  2. I have gotten up out of bed every day.  I’ve made breakfast for my kids.  I’ve done laundry.  I’ve cleaned house.  I’ve taken care of dogs and cats.  I’ve switched out my summer decorations for my Halloween decorations and switched those out for Thanksgiving decorations and switched those out for Christmas decorations and switched those out for my January snowmen decorations and finally, just today, I switched those out for my Valentine’s Day decorations.  And you know what?  Next month I’m going to put out my St. Patrick’s Day decorations, along with my Easter decorations.  And in May I’ll put out my spring decorations and then once again I’ll be back with my summer/beach decorations.  I’ve been here day after day, taking care of business while he’s been off playing, pretending he’s a child free bachelor living in a freaking hotel!
  3. While he’s been off spending every dime on his whore and her kids I’ve been making sure the bills get paid, the kids are fed, and that they have what they need.  He has ONE bill he has to pay- his American Express card.  He is regularly late on that.  His property tax for his car was over a month late. I’m dealing with my marriage of more than 20 years imploding and my husband’s affair while managing to keep everything running and not letting our credit scores take a hit; he’s, well… he’s not.  I guess he’s too busy screwing his cousin to manage to get anything else done.
  4. I got through the holidays without him.  It wasn’t even that difficult.  When I checked in with the kids to see how they had fared they told me they enjoyed the holidays because they didn’t have to deal with their dad and his depressing behavior.
  5. I have raised two kickass children so far, and even Cousinfucker himself has admitted it was all my doing.  They’re polite.  They’re kind.  They get good grades.  They have both stayed out of any major trouble so far.  They’re funny.  Of course, I will also credit my kids; I fully believe that as parents we can only do so much and the rest is on them and their personality.  But the main gist of the story is he has had nothing to do with how they’ve turned out.  I’ve been the one there for them.  They will tell you that.  And while it’s nothing new for me to take them on vacation or out to eat or to work out the logistics of how to get one kid here and another kid there… I’ve still done it and I’m still doing it.  It may not be a new accomplishment but it is something I’m doing and I do it well.
  6. It took me eight days to file for divorce once I found out what he was doing.  EIGHT DAYS!  Not a record, I’m sure.  Nonetheless, I’m proud of myself.  In the span of six days I found out he was cheating, he was giving her money, he had bought her and her daughter new phones and was paying their cell phone bill, he had cashed in the remaining stock and transferred it to a separate account, and he was interviewing for another job out of state.  I would have filed in six days but I couldn’t get ahold of the lawyer until Day 7 and he couldn’t get me in until Day 8.  I acted decisively after weighing my options.  I didn’t beg.  I didn’t plead.  And I was smart enough to transfer money into a separate account before I let on that I knew.  Which brings me to…
  7. I do realize that I’m in a much better position than a lot of women are when this goes down, especially if they’ve been a stay at home mom.  I was lucky.  We had just cashed in quite a bit of stock to pay the remaining balance on the pool.  If that hadn’t happened I would have been completely at his mercy because the money left over in savings from his bonus at the beginning of the year would not have kept us afloat for long.  And I’m equally fortunate that I have a mother who is willing to let me move in with her, welcomes it even.  I’m sure it’s tough on her living alone for the first time in her life.  She lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and I realized that after he died she was truly living by herself for the first time ever.  This time there were no kids in the house.  Plus, by living with her I will have a lot more money seeing as how I won’t be paying $2100 for a mortgage.  That in turn means my kids won’t be dependent on their dad for any extras.
  8. Per our agreement (and I’m beginning to think more and more that it was a shitty one) we are supposed to pay off the pool with CF’s bonus and then split the remaining amount.  He gets the bonus check at the end of January.  He has not given me my share, nor has he paid off the pool.  I sent him a text on Thursday letting him know the pool contractor was asking about payment.  He never replied.  I texted again on Saturday.  Again, he did not reply.  Today, I called my lawyer.  I’m hoping we can file contempt charges or something to get the ball rolling.
  9. Because of #8 I have also made an appointment with another lawyer to go over my case.  I’m interested to see if this new lawyer thinks I got a good deal and hear her thoughts on how our property division should go.  I’m crossing my fingers she will be outraged and come out all guns blazing.  I may be disappointed with the outcome but at least I’m getting a second opinion.
  10. I may not have made new friends due to the divorce but it turns out I do have a lot of really kickass, supportive friends.  I have many people who check up on me and make sure I’m doing ok.  I just found out another friend is going through this same thing and now I’m paying it forward and checking up on her.  I am very blessed with the friendships I have made throughout the years and I truly cherish each and every one of them.
  11. I started a blog!  That’s a mighty achievement, right?  People read it.  People that don’t even know me read it.
  12. Completely not my achievement or what makes me mighty but:  Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning!  I’ve been a Peyton fan for years.  I’m so glad that if he decides to retire after this season he will go out with a Super Bowl win.
  13. Also not an achievement but an action plan for the day:  I’ve got one kid off to school, one upstairs in bed, sick.  The house is relatively clean although I could stand to vacuum.  I’m going to do some laundry, watch some television, wait for my lawyer to call me back, enter receipts into the computer and continue to get things in order for my appointment with the potential new lawyer.  I’m also going to complete the Valentine’s Day “advent calendar” for my kids.  I created it several years ago and it’s kind of hit or miss as to whether or not I do it.  This year I’m doing it.  I’m late, but I’m still doing it so I need to write out all the cute cards that lead to the small treats they get.  Today is a brand new day.