Approximately Four Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Well, he’s in his home state.  He told me yesterday he was going to his cousin’s funeral.  He left around 11 and got there around 6:30.  He texted me to let me know he had made it but I haven’t heard from him since.  Typical.  My anxiety when he goes to his home state by himself is always already amped up and he does nothing to alleviate it.  Checking in would be nice.  Letting me know what’s going on would be nice.

I haven’t been freaking out too much.  The pit in my stomach isn’t the boiling mass it was a few days ago.  Last night was nice with him.  And he was friendly and flirty with me today.  I asked him if he loved me and he said he did.  I guess he could lie if he wanted to but I’m hoping that he is telling me the truth.

I know that eventually, somehow, I’m going to have to bring up the other FB page and his feeling that I’m going to leave him.  Maybe he no longer cares.  Maybe that’s something he worried about in February but is completely over now.  I was reading some old texts that I had screen shot and he was so head over heels in love with me just a year ago.  Telling me how much he loved me and how I was his entire life.  I liked that.

Now I can’t get him to come out of the bedroom and he spends all of his time on his phone, answering emails and talking to Blockhead.  I wish someone that he confided in actually knew the entire story and could tell him he was acting crazy.  Instead they feed the delusions and then I come across looking crazy!

I did ask him if he was ever going to go anyplace with me.  He told me he had driven someplace once and I replied that he was planning on going to this funeral by himself and then visiting Blockhead and then going to his reunion.  All by himself.

I read something today that makes a lot of sense.  I know I’ve seen something similar before but for some reason it really hit home.  The woman was talking about how her husband could just forget all about his affair and she wished that she could do the same.  Someone replied to her that once the affair is discovered it is usually a relief to the cheater; they no longer have to keep their secret life hidden.  Everything is out in the open and they no longer need to lie to you or worry about being found out.  It’s over.  But for the betrayed it’s just the beginning.  Now they know and they have to deal with the fallout.

I think that’s what Zack doesn’t get.  Once he was found out he made a choice and could move on.  He could forget about her and move on.  I, on the other hand, had just discovered my husband’s betrayal.  I was rocked with doubt and insecurity and fear and everything else. I couldn’t just forget it and move on.

I deleted all her pictures off my phone today. It felt good. I also deleted all of her corny little inspirational sayings.

I have to be able to move at my own pace.  I’m sorry if Zack doesn’t like that.  I’m sorry if it makes him feel bad or like I’m going to leave.  I have indulged him plenty.  I never discuss her or their affair with him so let me just have my own thoughts that I work through.  It’s so stupid when you think about it.  Blockhead rushes in to tell Zack all about my FB page and everything that I was upset over back then I’ve worked through.  I could have worked through it on my own with my husband being none the wiser, but noooo!  Oh God no!  Blockhead knew better.

He rewarded himself with a bottle of bourbon for going to his psychiatrist appointment on Monday.  Then on Tuesday he decided he was done with therapy with his therapist.  He said he has no faith in it and he’s too much of a black and white thinker.  He’s going to rely on the drugs to help him.  They better help fast!  I’m at the point where I’m about to take his anti anxiety medication.

Present Day Sam Says: Sad, sad, sad. I’m dancing as fast as I can to placate him, to tell myself that everything was going to be okay and it was so far off track at that point there would be no recovering.

We’ll have to discuss the FB page at some point and I’ll end up apologizing for “hurting” him. He just needs to understand what I’m feeling and how much this affair hurt me. I’ll forgive EVERYONE for the shitty way they treated me if that means my marriage prevails. And meanwhile he’s down there fucking his cousin and not giving me a second thought.

It was a nice touch when he chose to “reward” himself with a bottle of bourbon. Was he setting the stage for his PTSD/alcoholism excuse once he left me and the kids in the dust?

In the end here we are. On the verge of divorce, him living with the whore that set this whole thing in motion more than four years ago. No good deed goes unpunished and the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, right?

 

Approximately Five Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Feeling better today.  And I’ve made some progress.  Yesterday I finally removed all of her pictures in my contacts.  I had her picture up for his nephew, Pastor Fake and Jezebel still.  Since I was beginning to talk to Tammy Faye more I had already replaced that one.  I kept her number in but deleted her picture and have her in my contacts as Kim.  I started to delete most of my entries on Facebook and then just decided to deactivate that account.  I’m even considering reaching out to Jezebel with a friend request.  CONSIDERING.  It’s not a done deal.

I am finally starting to realize what Shawn the Wife means when she talks about not pain shopping and focusing on your own happiness.  Tracking her down and seeing what she was up to, trying to interpret events (her hair is longer and darker, she’s lost weight- does this mean she’s involved with my husband again? Is she getting a divorce? etc.), seeing how she was interacting with my in-laws, did nothing for me except make me crazy.  Honestly, I know that I have given her more head space than she will ever give me.  I know my in-laws will never turn their back on her and I need to let that go.  Somehow try to find a way to focus on us and our relationship.  I doubt it will ever be the same.  I was re-reading some old entries when I was deleting stuff and I came across the one that finally nailed down what it was that made everything so hard.  I loved them.  I considered them family.  But when it came down to it I wasn’t the one they rallied around.  I was disposable.  I loved them all just like they were my original family and then I found out I didn’t mean anything to them if I didn’t mean anything to Zack. I felt like they were my family; they felt like I was Zack’s wife and everything about our relationship was based on that. So, I think I can navigate some sort of relationship with them while understanding that it doesn’t really mean anything.  It makes things more peaceful at home.

Hell, I’ll even forgive Blockhead and his snooping ways.

As for Jezebel, well, I don’t trust her and any relationship we will end up having will be extremely superficial.  I can be cordial.  I can do holidays.  But I won’t be willing to do things with her on our own.  I won’t confide in her or let her in on my family life.  I can be FB friends but honestly I’ll probably unfollow her because I don’t want to see her bi-weekly profile and cover picture changes or hear about her fabulous life with her very best friend and soul mate.  If the kids choose to be friendly that’s great but I won’t be facilitating it.  I’ll just caution them that these are people they’ll see maybe once a year and if Jezebel and Husband #3 ever divorce they’ll be out of their lives forever.  Enjoy it but don’t get too close.  Oh, and the biggie, remember to NEVER EVER trust her.

This way is just so much more peaceful.  It’s hard sometimes to sustain rage and I’m over it.

Thinking about everything that has been happening lately I realized just how much I love Zack, how entwined our lives are.  I’ve spent almost half of my life with him.  It’s not just about the two of us.  It’s about us and everything that we have built over the last 21 years.  I don’t want to lose that.

I am hopeful that this is the year our anniversary offers up no triggers.  I’ve even been thinking about renewing our vows.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman.  You so badly wanted everything to be ok even though your gut was undoubtedly screaming the truth to you.  You were too trusting.

Now that I’m done scolding myself I want to say I always find these later entries so painful.  I was finally over it and just as I recover he goes and does it again, assuming, of course, that it ever truly ended.  I ate so much shit so that everything could go back to the way that it was and it turns out it was all in vain.

 

One Month Before D-Day

July 2015

My victories:

  1.   I stayed at the in-law’s house without my husband.  I am slowly healing that relationship.  I’ve even considered becoming FB friends with her.  Not quite ready to take that step but I’ve been mulling it.
  2. There is a song out there, not sure of the title.  I think it’s “I really really really like you” by Carly Rae Jepson (?).  When I first heard it it was a huge trigger!  That’s the justification Zack gave for continuing his relationship with Harley. Anyway, it’s quite catchy and the last few times I’ve heard it I’ve been singing along and bopping my head to it instead of allowing it to bring back bad memories.
  3. I’m not currently counting down any anti-verseries.  Not dwelling on what was going on at this time 2 years ago.  Trying not to get distracted with any of the holidays.  Also hoping that August 14th will come and go like any other ordinary day.  And I’m really hoping that I don’t have a meltdown on my anniversary this year.
  4. As previously stated I’ve deleted most of my infidelity blogs and I don’t tend to read them every day as I used to.
  5. I did go check out the whore last night and downloaded some new pictures that other people had posted.  But ordinarily I don’t go looking for her on FB and I haven’t been checking to see how she and my in-laws are interacting.
  6. I have no desire to check Zack’s phone or his email.  I figure that he’s smart enough to keep it hidden pretty well and as I said before I can’t control him.  If he’s determined to cheat he will.  If he really thinks she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, there’s nothing I can do about it if I haven’t convinced him otherwise after almost 2 years.
  7. So many of the things that pissed me off earlier this year make sense now and I can accept.  The whole concept of gratitude specifically.  I’ve been making an effort to try to look on the bright side of things and I can understand what the authors were trying to say before.  But like everything else with adultery (with anything really) you have to be ready to hear that message.
  8. I just feel at peace.  I’m not worried about Zack and Harley.  I’m not full of hate and anger.  There are certain people (his nephew and Jezebel) I’m still not too happy with but I don’t dwell on it.  I rarely think about them.  I have put it out of my mind.  Every now and then something will come up but I usually solve that by telling myself, “Nope.  You’re not going to think about that now.”

Present Day Sam Says:  Hey, Sam, guess what?  He’s cheating on you!  He’s fucking a whore and sending her money while he lies about it!  Keep spackling, sweetie!  I’m glad you’ve made such great progress; I think it’s swell that you are finally to the point where you are over what he did to you.  Unfortunately, it’s too late because he’s doing it all over again.  Sorry!

Smile & Wave, Boys

July 2015

We finally made it home! 30 hours and 45 minutes on the road.  All went well at the in-law’s.  Feels like I’m putting the past behind me.

Came home to a house that smelled to high heaven.  The dogs have been peeing and pooping everywhere! So, I spent a good 3 hours today shampooing carpets.  I hope that helps.  I ended up blowing a fuse and it won’t flip back on so Zack may need to change that.  Rock Star mowed the front yard today because it hadn’t been mowed in over 3 weeks- since I mowed it last which was probably May 24th or so.  And, he hadn’t taken out the garbage the entire time we had been gone so I set out 10 bags today. Oh, plus I had asked him to restore 2 events on my DVR.  He restored the wrong 2 episodes of Scorpion and didn’t restore the Castle episode at all. Needless to say it was not a very nice homecoming.

The concrete workers came out today.  I was all excited thinking they were finally going to be starting on that.  No.  No such luck.  He is going on vacation on Friday and won’t be starting until the 13th. He said it would take about a week to get everything poured.  Lovely! And I still need to get the electrical done AND an inspector needs to come out and sign off on an inspection.  On the positive side, if it can even be called that, Zack informed me that he’s probably not going to go to Florida so someone will be here to pay everyone if the pool is completed while we’re in Florida.

I still need to call to get the hole in my ceiling fixed and the guy from the repair center to get my water filter fixed.  I have to say, I don’t think I will ever leave for an extended vacation again.  Quite honestly I’m a little hesitant to leave for another week.

Now I get to tell my mom that the pool may not be done when we get back after all. I am now crossing my fingers that we get to swim in the damn thing this summer!

Present Day Sam Says:  There are so many things wrong with this.  Let’s start with the obvious: He hadn’t taken out the trash in 3 weeks!  He hadn’t shampooed the carpets after the dogs had peed and pooped (they are used to being let out whenever they need to go because I am home all day with them).  He didn’t mow the yard in the entire 3 weeks we were gone!  It is very clear now that he had completely checked out by then.  He wasn’t doing anything for us.

Secondly, Tammy Faye was the one who urged Harley to call my husband because he had the sadz. This means that while I’m telling myself the visit went well and I’m ready to put the past behind me that conniving bitch more than likely knew that her son was fucking around with that whore again. She had me in her home and acted like nothing was amiss and the whole time she knows. She knows he’s fucking around again. She knows he’s planning on leaving me. The cruelty still manages to astound me.

I also remember trying to remain Zen about the whole pool thing.  I kept telling myself that once it was in I would have it for many more years to come. Yeah, I somewhat enjoyed it for about 6 days. So not worth it. Sometimes trying to look at the bigger picture and being all Zen just blows up in your face.

More Signs From the Universe That I Conveniently Ignored

May 2015

The whore’s newest picture (picture removed for now). Longer and darker.  Looks like I’ll continue to go short and blonde. I have to say I have been very surprised that my in-laws have not commented on or liked the picture.  Perhaps letting my MIL know she was sending naked pictures to Zack had something to do with that.

In other news it appears she’s now friends with Zack’s niece.  Oh, I just love seeing her gush over the new baby.  So, so glad we’re so entwined.  Even better I love the fact that Zack and I are sending money to pay her rent for 2 months while the whore does nothing.  If you love them so much why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually do something, Harley?

I am never going to get away from her, am I?  She’s everywhere.  My MIL thinks she can sympathize with what I’m going through because of what she went through, but the OW in her case didn’t hang around her family.  That’s the huge difference.  I’ve got everyone that we see when we go to Kentucky thinking she’s just the greatest thing ever.  People come into my home and then turn around and compliment that bitch.  And here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”

Yes, I know I could bury my head in the sand and pretend she doesn’t exist. But you know my policy on that.  Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  I mean, if someone let a snake loose in my house even if I couldn’t see it I still wouldn’t feel comfortable until it was caught and removed.  I would never feel comfortable.  I’d always be wondering if I opened a cabinet or stepped down onto the floor if the snake would be there.  That’s just a fact.  I’d be a nervous wreck.  Blocking her on FB is like having an unseen snake roaming my house.  I’d rather know.  I’d rather see what was going on and be prepared.

In my defense, I do not stalk her page often.  I do sometimes wonder if it were someone different, someone everyone on Zack’s side of the family didn’t communicate with, if I wouldn’t stalk her page at all.  I kinda think I wouldn’t. I would have no need to.

The way I see it, Zack and I as a couple are fine.  I don’t think about her much in terms of what she almost did to our marriage.  Yes, I am still haunted a bit by the whole:  I know I don’t want to lose my kids and him telling Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  It bothers me because he does seem so miserable now and didn’t back then. Oh, logically I know it all has to do with the whole fantasy vs. reality thing.  She was new and exciting and promising to fulfill his every need.  It was all fantasy and no reality so she was the perfect woman, doing everything that needed to be done.  I get that.  It still bugs me at times.  Probably because he never sees the need to point that out to his sister when he talks to her and she talks to him and tells him how miserable he is.

And I can sometimes rationalize the FB thing by telling myself it’s no big deal; it doesn’t mean anything.  I’ve got “friends” that I rarely communicate with on FB. I have also been known to accept a friend request from someone I don’t know all that well. So, perhaps that is what has happened here with his niece.  It still bugs me, though.  I’m tired of seeing her wherever I look.  Funny how this becomes my cross to bear when I’m not the one who cheated!

Present Day Sam Says: Oh yeah, I think they were definitely fooling around at this point. He always said he loved my hair when it was longer and darker. I remember this picture of the whore. Someone commented on her weight loss, too. Another sign of an affair. Sign #3? Friending CF’s niece on Facebook. This was Pastor Fake’s granddaughter. Absolutely no reason for Harley to have any contact with her. In fact, she hadn’t up until this point.

I truly believe Harley is one of the most manipulative, fake phony people out there. She and Jezebel will get along wonderfully.

Oh, and this part?  <<<… here’s the thing.  If they really think she’s that great and that what she did wasn’t that bad, then how can any of them say they’re rooting for me and Zack?  If she’s that wonderful, if they love her and think she’s fantastic, isn’t that just basically saying, “You know, Sam, we wouldn’t really be all that upset if Zack dumped you for Harley because we just love her so much.  She’s fantastic.  So losing you wouldn’t be a problem because we would gain our beloved Harley.”>>> That was absolutely dead on accurate.

You cannot continue to interact with the whore and honestly say you are rooting for reconciliation between the married couple. They obviously didn’t think that what she, or he, had done was that bad and they obviously were rooting for the two of them to get together.

Three Months From D-Day #2

May 2015

Oh boy, lots of stuff has gone on.  It has been a very busy week.  I never mentioned this, but last Wednesday Rock Star got kicked in the face at gymnastics and they ended up calling an ambulance to transport her to the hospital.  I was freaking out, although I don’t know why.  I’ve seen worse.  I was there when she broke her elbow.  I was there when she broke her back.  I was there when she slipped doing a flick on beam and crashed on her head.  This one threw me, though, and we all ended up going to the hospital together.  Zack was excellent.  Rock Star ended up with a broken nose and a gash on her nose that needed stitches.

Friday Zack left to go to Kentucky.  He made it about 40 miles before the anxiety overtook him and he ended up back home.  He was a mess all weekend and spent most of it drinking and sleeping.  I was going to hide his bourbon again but he got shitty with me so I left it.

Friday night/early Saturday morning our cat died.  We had just lost his mom a few months ago.  Friday was also the day I had decided I had had enough with our crappy cell reception.  There were storms and I was getting no service so I went to Best Buy and switched cell phone providers.  That was a debacle in itself. I was there until about 8:15 Friday night before I had to leave to pick Rock Star up from the gym. Then we were there for several hours on Saturday finishing up.

Monday Zack didn’t want to go into work but realized he had to.  He was having an awful morning and nothing seemed to help.  He also thought he was going through withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol because he was shaking and couldn’t keep anything down.  He ended up having me pick him up at 2 that day. Good news was he finally agreed to try EMDR therapy again.

Rock Star’s appointment with the ENT was that day as well.  He did not like the looks of her wound and said her nose did look crooked to him which she confirmed. Since he wanted to restitch the wound so the scar wouldn’t be as noticeable he wanted to do the surgery the very next day so Zack and I both spent most of Tuesday at the hospital.

Today was supposed to be the start of Zack’s therapy but something with work came up so it’s been switched to the 18th. And tomorrow I go in for a surgical consult to see about having my lipoma removed.

I saw a text from Jezebel where she was complaining that the kids don’t even know her.  And when Zack was saying he was so worthless because he couldn’t even drive to see his mom she replied that he only felt that way because he was so miserable with his life. I know I’m very sensitive to anything she has to say when it comes to Zack because it feels like she is salivating at the thought of him leaving me, but it really did feel like she was telling him that if he just had the courage to leave me everything would be ok.  You’re miserable because Sam makes you miserable.  If you leave her, life will be perfect and you will be happy.

There have been a few times when I thought about going through his phone but you know, it’s just not worth it.  I don’t confront him so nothing ever changes.  He gets drunk and down on himself and the next thing you know it’s all about how I don’t care. He portrays me as a horrible person and doesn’t see it at all.  He actually thought he was protecting me in his texts to Blockhead. I’m tired of searching and verifying, and usually, getting hurt by what he’s saying.  If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. I can say now I believe his trip back to Kentucky last weekend was going to be about his mom.  I’m 99% sure of that.  I’ll reserve 1% for doubt just so I don’t look like a total idiot if it turns out I was wrong.

And once again I have to say I’m a little tired of Jezebel playing the victim.  First of all, it’s been 3 years since she’s seen them.  They were 9 and 11, not exactly little babies or even toddlers or small children who might not remember.  Secondly, up until February she could have come to see them.  She could have arranged for them to come see her.  But she chose not to. I blocked her on FB for a short amount of time when Zack’s affair and her encouragement in it came to light.  It was no more than 2 months and probably less than that. And that was one mode of communication.  ONE!  There are dozens.  She has had years to contact them.  She could have messaged Rock Star via FB once the block was off. I know Rock Star continued to follow her on Instagram and I imagine Jezebel was following Rock Star.  If not, that had nothing to do with me.  She could have asked Zack if she had an email address and contacted her that way.  Both kids have a cell phone and have had one for years.  She could have asked Zack for their numbers and he would have given them to her and she could then have texted or called them.  She does not have enough respect for me to even try to play the “I knew their mom didn’t want me around” card.  If she wanted it badly enough she would have seen them or talked to them. Hell, despite the fact that I DON’T want her in contact with my kids now because of the stunt she played in February, she could still ask Zack for their phone numbers and communicate with them. But Jezebel wants to do what Jezebel wants to do and then she expects everyone else to bring themselves to her. She’s not going to go out of her way for something that is not that important to her. Over Christmas she managed to drive her sweet little ass to Florida and then turn around and go to Gatlinburg. Then, because Husband #3’s dad was sick, they returned to Florida for 2 weeks. So it’s not like she doesn’t have the time.  She has it and she spends it the way she wants; unfortunately, she does not care to spend it with us.  We are supposed to come to her and she fits us in between her busy schedule. She has visited us 7 times in 20 years- 5 of those times were for some other event: bridesmaid luncheon, wedding, Rock Star’s birth, jewelry show, Picasso’s birth/jewelry show.  That leaves 2 times in 20 years that she has visited with us just to spend time with us.  And she has not been to our home in almost 13 years.  The last time she visited was when Picasso was a baby. So yeah, I’m tired of hearing excuses. And really, that’s part of the reason I started to pull away even before Zack’s affair.

It got to the point where I was like:  Why am I driving out of my way to see people who can’t be bothered to come see us once in a while? And then my mom and nephew started coming out to Utah so I didn’t go back to Indiana. And if I wasn’t going to Indiana I wasn’t going to Kentucky either. The last time I drove to Indiana was July 2012 and I didn’t go down to Kentucky that year.  I came out for BFF’s bridal shower and then turned around and drove back.  I think I was out there for maybe a week. On the other hand, that’s the same year we went out there for Easter so they had just seen the kids.

Anyway, I’m just done with her.  I can’t take it anymore.  And my husband needs to put me front and center and stand up to her where I’m concerned. I want him to say to her:  Don’t continue to try to undermine my wife.  I love her.  She is the love of my life and I have no intentions of leaving her.  I don’t want to live my life without her and if she ever left me I would be devastated.  She has been by my side for 21 years.  Where have you been, Jezebel?  You haven’t visited me at my home in almost 13 years.  I lived in Utah, 1800 miles away, for almost 8 years and you never once came to visit.  Hell, when I flew across the country and stopped into Kentucky you drove to pick up your son and couldn’t be bothered to drive the extra 10 minutes to Frisch’s to see me.  Sam’s mom and brother drove 10 hours to see me!  Sam herself packed up Rock Star and Picasso and drove 3 hours to see you and Mom when you sang up in Detroit.  Even spent money on a hotel room.  But you couldn’t go 10 minutes out of your way and yet you continue to badmouth my wife.  You’re so concerned that she’s making me miserable and yet when I checked myself into a psychiatric facility at YOUR urging you left me in her hands.  She was the one who came by every day during visiting hours.  She was the one who went out and grabbed magazines and gum and word puzzles for me.  She was the one who spoke up on my behalf at the hospital when there was something she felt they needed to know or when I had questions I didn’t want to ask.  Where were you?  You didn’t visit even once, not even when I got out.  But you could run off to Florida for 2 weeks and be there for your father-in-law that you’ve known all of 2 years. So stop it!  She is my wife and you need to respect that.  When you cheated on Husband #1 with Husband #2 you wanted everyone to accept and embrace Husband #2.  You demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and we did.  You cheated on Husband #2 with Husband #3 and then demanded we respect your choice and your relationship, and once again we did.  So it would be nice if you could do the same. I’ve been with her for 21 years, married for 20; she’s not going anyplace.  I don’t want to have to pick a side but if I do I’m going to choose her and we will have no relationship.

Present Day Sam Says:  Oh, Sam, you were so stupid! I now firmly believe he intended to go down to see Harley that weekend.  I suppose it doesn’t really matter because in the end he cheated and was planning to leave.

And if anyone is still confused about what victim morphing is, look no further than my darling STBX sister-in-law. Everything is being done to her. She has done nothing wrong.

 

Trying Hard To Spackle Back In 2015

April 2015

Lots of entries lately.  🙂  I do know that this time marks the 2nd year anniversary, or anti-versary of Zack and Harley beginning their relationship.  Honestly, I don’t think about it much.  I’ll suddenly realize what time of the year it is and I’ll say, “Oh, yeah,” and then I go about my day.  No dwelling on it. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before or not but I’ve deleted several of the blogs I used to read about cheaters.  I’ve still got the emotional affair website bookmarked, and the ones by Kelly, Pablo’s Wife, Shawn, Elle, Shattered, Not Hate, Essie and Katie.  I like Elle’s blog because she’s recovered but still keeps her blog and she gives very good, rational advice.  It’s not all angry vitriol. I like Doug and Linda’s emotional affair website for the same reason, plus it’s so hard to find anything dealing with only emotional affairs.  I find Essie’s blog fascinating.  She was very young when she divorced but I think she will have a fabulous ending.  I loved Shawn’s story into CrazyTown, kinda wish I had her moxie, although she tells people constantly, “Don’t do what I did! Stay away from the OW!” She doesn’t write much anymore.  I think she wrote to tell her story and now that it’s told she doesn’t blog anymore.

I would also like to point out that I don’t read all of these blogs every day religiously like I used to.  True, a lot of that is due to the fact that many of them don’t post daily like they did at one time.  But I find myself not even clicking on the bookmark every day.

I still do a lot of wrestling with the fact that Harley is still in my life.  No matter how much I may say she’s not the fact of the matter is that she is still there.  She has a window into my life.  Any time my in-laws post about my kids or my husband, she can see that.  Any time Tammy Faye tells a relative something about Zack or my kids that relative can innocently pass it along to Harley. Oh wow, look at that!  Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s moving to another state, 6 hours away from her.  Someone else will do it!  Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s in the hospital; his mother will let her know.  I know that Tammy Faye thinks she knows what I’m going through because of Pastor Fake’s affair, but she doesn’t.  That OW didn’t stay in the picture.  Harley has.  Every single person that Zack is close to is friends with her and fawns all over the whore. I am certain that if my kids were with their grandparents and they ran into the whore they would introduce my kids to her without a second thought.  Not only would they introduce them to their father’s mistress, they would try to put her in the best possible light  I guess it’s very important that my kids think Daddy’s mistress is the coolest, bestest person out there.  I suppose that gives them an excuse as to why he would cheat.  She’s cool and fantastic and we just love her; we can understand why our dad loved her, too, and tossed our mom aside for her. I will slit my wrists before I allow that to happen.

Oh, I know!  There is a need to focus on your relationship and not the OW.  I’ve got that down, Sparky.  I do understand that.  I get the whole:  Living well and being happy is the best revenge shit.  I do.  And for the most part I try to concentrate on that.  It can be difficult when Zack is all over the place with his emotions but I do try.

There is a lot out there on that.  Shawn says, “Stay away!  Focus on your relationship.  She will never lead to happiness!”  And I believe her.  Elle cautions that concentrating on the OW gets you nowhere.  Many people point out that the OW doesn’t give a shit about you (the betrayed spouse).  That’s true.  Harley doesn’t give a shit about me or my kids or what she did to me.  She doesn’t care about the pain she caused.  She doesn’t care about any of the feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty.  She had her own agenda and that was to marry my husband and go off and live her little fairytale life with him that she couldn’t achieve with her own husband.  She didn’t care at all about the fact he already had a wife and 2 kids. She was prepared to see us as collateral damage.  The only thing that mattered to her was what she wanted. Hell, she doesn’t even have enough common decency to stay the fuck away from Zack’s family. Why would I ever give her the benefit of the doubt and think she understands the damage and pain she has caused? These women don’t care about who they hurt.  You’ll never get them to understand the damage they’ve done until they are on the receiving end of it.  And some, like the OW in Ashlee’s case, don’t care even then.  Her husband cheated on her and then she in turn cheated on him with Ashlee’s husband, which resulted in his death, leaving behind a young widow and a 5 young children.  That bitch does not care about the damage she created.  And the bitch in my situation doesn’t care either.  As I’ve said many times if he had left me she would be planning her wedding and running down the aisle to say, “I do!”  Hell, it’s been almost 2 years now so if he had left when I gave him an ultimatum they would probably be married by now.  I don’t think she would have been willing to wait.  I’m thinking a justice of the peace wedding would not have been out of the question, just so she could legally claim him and he couldn’t up and leave once he fully realized what a bonehead move he had made.  Of course, the joke would have been on her because shortly after marrying him she would have found him slipping deeper and deeper into a depression because his kids wanted nothing to do with him.  She could deal with all of this PTSD shit and all of his anxiety.  Joke’s on you, bitch!  You get romantic Zack in the beginning when he’s wooing you.  You get real Zack after the wedding!  Have fun! And lest someone hack into my computer and rush to tell Zack I’m saying bad things about him:  I do love him.  I’ve stayed throughout all this bullshit and done my best to help him.  But I don’t think Harley was prepared for any of that.  She would have just ditched her husband of 16 years for my husband.  Disappointed her kids.  Possibly have uprooted them to move wherever Zack might end up.  I do not believe that dealing with a husband who is sobbing and drunk all the time because he’s destroyed his relationship with his kids would have been what she was looking forward to.  Not at all.  She’s envisioning luxury vacations, and candlelight dinners, picking out their dream house, hot sex, and a fairytale romance.  Not depression, crying, anxiety, drinking, not being able to function, not wanting to leave the house.  No, that’s not what he was selling her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best.  I’m coming along.  I try not to focus on her.  Barely look at her FB page for new profile pictures anymore.  I can’t see anything on her page because it’s locked down, and she’s kept the same profile picture of her kid up since the beginning of February. I still find it fascinating that while she was fucking around with my husband she was changing her profile picture every 2 weeks or so, and now it’s rare plus it’s not usually of her. I suppose she could hang out on Instagram more now and I can’t track that.  Too bad!  Or maybe, a blessing in disguise.  See?  I’m evolving.

I also don’t track my in-laws’ page that often either.  I try not to because it’s just upsetting to see that fake bitch liking everything and acting like she’s some huge part of their life. I know she’s there.  It’s her way of always being connected to Zack. It pisses me off and it remains something I need to let go of. It’s difficult because I’m a dweller.  I figured that would be easier to say than a not-let-it-goer. I want justice.  I want her to lose something.  Because really, what did she lose? If she and her husband are indeed divorced it wasn’t because he dumped her; it would have been because she moved on with someone else.  So, she didn’t lose her husband.  She didn’t lose her kids, even though her daughter knew what she had done and wasn’t happy about it.  She didn’t lose her in-laws.  She didn’t have to wonder what was wrong with her that would make her husband cheat on her.  She didn’t have to wonder if her in-laws would really prefer that her husband be with his mistress (because, you know, he didn’t cheat on her therefore he didn’t have a mistress that his family could prefer).  She didn’t have to deal with feelings of betrayal and humiliation.  She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is still fooling around with his whore because he never was.  She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is ever going to do it again, because he was always faithful.  Her relationship with her in-laws is intact, I’m guessing.  I don’t know for certain that The Saint didn’t tell anyone in his family but my guess is he didn’t. She doesn’t have to deal with her husband’s whore always being around and her being expected to suck it up and smile.  Her life has gone on as always, unless, of course, she’s divorced him and gotten involved with someone else.  Oh, wait, the correct order would be: unless she got involved with someone else and then divorced her husband.  That’s the Harley move.

I suppose you could say I haven’t lost that much.  At least that is the way it would look to an outside observer.  I got a new, bigger house.  I got a new car.  I’m getting a pool.  I still have my husband.  That probably should be listed first.  OK, do over.  I still have my husband and he appears to be crazy about me.  I have a new, bigger house.  I have a new car.  I’m getting a pool.  My lifestyle has not changed; if anything, it has improved. But underneath, where you can’t see… I deal with the humiliation of my husband’s betrayal, knowing that so many people know what he did to me and yet I still stayed and tried to work it out. I deal with the questions of what he saw in her, what did I lack, what did I do wrong?  And knowing the answers to those questions doesn’t necessarily help.  He saw attention and flattery from her.  Attention he wasn’t getting at home.  We didn’t communicate much.  We weren’t a team.  We didn’t function as a married couple; we lived more as roommates.  He was unhappy with the infrequency of sex.  Still doesn’t excuse him. But it helps us to rebuild. I deal with the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country, far from my friends and everything I was involved in, because of their plan to move us closer so they in turn could meet up and fuck each other. I deal with the fact that my in-laws think my husband’s whore is simply wonderful and I’m not sure our relationship will ever be put back together like it was.  Oh, and that’s only referring to his mom.  His sister is pretty much dead to me. I’m going to chalk that up to a 50/50 split as far as where fault lies- her or Harley.  I mean, if Harley hadn’t been willing to open her legs for my husband then there would have been no affair.  But Jezebel was eating it all up and encouraging him to leave me. And then tries to place all the blame on me- I’ve reached out and Sam just won’t let me in.  I’m done!  She completely discounts all of her lying and her disparaging comments about me, like how I blow money.

You know, I guess if I’m being completely honest (and I do try to be) what I really want is for everyone who is close to my husband and supposedly loves me and wants our marriage to be stronger than ever, to cut ties with her.  To let her know that they know what she did and that it’s not ok.  That they have MY back, not hers.  Is that such a horrible thing to want? And I know that I can only control myself.  I cannot control them and they have made it abundantly clear that they want a relationship with the little whore.  So, I trudge on.

Present Day Sam Says: So much of what I wrote could still apply today.

The best revenge is living well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real easy to say. Not always so easy to do. Especially when you’re faced with living in poverty for the rest of your life. Or, at the very least living an extremely downsized lifestyle for the rest of your life.

Don’t focus on the other woman because she doesn’t give a shit about what she’s done to you. That’s certainly true. Harley the Whore gives absolutely zero fucks about the lives she’s ruined. She doesn’t care what this has done to my kids. She doesn’t care what it’s done to me.

Wishing his family would have my back instead of the whore’s? Well, we all know that if I wish in one hand and shit in the other which one will fill up faster, don’t we? That was all a pipe dream that was never going to work out in my favor.

So much great advice and yet I’m not really feeling any of it.

That Time Sam Was Ready To Throw In the Towel

April 2015

My darling daughter crashed my car into the garage door on Friday.  Fortunately Zack was able to fix it.  He spent the weekend mostly in bed. And then today the dog knocked the trashcan over in the bedroom and I found 2 vodka bottles in there.  One probably didn’t have much in it to begin with but I’m pretty sure the Moscato flavored vodka was almost completely full.  So I’m getting pissed.

Honestly?  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  I’ve dealt with his damn anxiety and depression for over 20 years.  I’ve dealt with his drama of thinking everything is a disaster, and his reluctance to help with the kids and be a partner to me.  For quite a few years now.  I’ve dealt with having to go to family events and family holidays without him; I’ve dealt with going on vacation without him because he wanted no part of it.  I’ve dealt with having no couples friends pretty much since OB.  I’ve dealt with low key holidays and him napping and everything else.  I’ve taken him to the ER every time he gets sick and I’ve dealt with and survived his affair with Harley, all the while he’s lying to me and humiliating me.  I’ve moved my ass from my home state to State #2 down to State #3 and back to State #2 before moving across the country to State #4 and then back across to State #5, all in the name of his career.  I’ve dealt with him being locked up in a psych ward.  I’m dealing with all the PTSD shit now.  But I’m not sure I can add on him becoming an alcoholic to my list.

I didn’t even spend that much time with him this weekend.  He slept most of the weekend.  Every time I went upstairs to check on him he was asleep.  I went out to grab some lunch from McCallister’s around 2 and he was up but when I came home he grabbed his food and went back upstairs.  I’m exhausted and I’m not even dealing with him. He has an appointment on June 2nd with a psychiatrist and I’ve got an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning to be put on anti-depressants.  I hope to God it helps. I’m also trying to get him in to see a new therapist that does EMDR therapy.  At least that’s what Google is telling me.  I can end up calling and finding out she doesn’t do that after all. But I can at least try.  Like I said, I’m exhausted.  I don’t know what else to do.  I keep thinking I should call our pool contractor and cancel the pool because I don’t know what’s going on in our lives.  I try to be happy.  I try to look for the positives.  But then I’ve got all of this going on.  And I hate to shake up my kids’ lives yet again. So I guess I’m dedicated to making this work and doing everything I can to help him get better.

I’ll tell you, though, some days I wish that little bitch had gotten her way and he had left me for her.  I’d love to watch her deal with him, especially with the added guilt of what he had done to me and to his kids.  I don’t know why all this has bubbled to the surface lately.  I have my suspicions.  I am willing to believe it could possibly be because he finally got what he wanted in regards to work, and now if he’s not happy, well… where does he go from there?  It’s one of those what do you do when you’ve achieved the dream you’ve set for yourself situations?  Or, there is a slight chance I suppose that he’s leading a double life and the stress is killing him, but I give that about a 1-2% chance.  See?  I’m evolving!  More than likely the guilt and stress of him cheating on me and then moving us across the country (the man does not deal well with change) was already doing a number on him and then when Blockhead told him about my other FB page he completely lost it.  He was an anxiety ridden mess for a while but it’s gotten really bad over the last few months.

In other words, I have managed to send my husband to the psych ward.  I have damaged him perhaps beyond repair.  Is that fair?  I mean, I’m already dealing with this shit and trying to repair a a marriage and focus on the fucking future all the while I still have questions and my in-laws are fawning all over her, and now I’m supposed to stuff all of that deep down inside because it bothers my husband to know that I’m not totally, 100% over everything that went down.

I was thinking about this the other day.  As I’ve said before I have tons of time to think since I have no life here.  Here’s what I want to know (or at least some of what I want to know):  I want to know who made the first overtly sexual move.  I know he told her she looked fantastic.  I know she whined about her marriage.  I want to know who started the fucking affair.  Who made the first move?  Who took it from friendly conversation to soul mates destined to be together forever?  Was it her with her, “I can envision a future with you” remark?  Did he say something before that?  I don’t know, because he won’t answer my questions.  Or he conveniently forgets.  I want to know how he was planning on having a future with her but wasn’t going to leave me.  How was that possible?  What was he telling her?  What were they planning?  How much thought did they put into their little plan?  Did he tell R he wanted the Whoreville plant before he got involved with Harley, or did he tell him that once they decided he would move closer to her?  I want to know what the hell happened the day I confronted him.  I want to know why she sent that text message that made it sound like she was the one calling it off.  I want to know why on earth he was more concerned with her feelings than with mine, if indeed the truth was she sent it to save face or to prove to her husband that she ended things. What I want is to be able to go back in time and have him text her that it’s over, that his wife knows and she’s told him she’s done playing these games and that he needs to pick because she deserves to be happy too.  And then I want him to dig the knife in deeper and tell her that he’s chosen me, that he loves me and he’s always loved me and when he realized that he could lose me he also realized how much he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. Finally, he would follow it up with:  It’s over.  I won’t be contacting you anymore and I want you to leave me alone as well.  My wife is my only focus now.  You were a terrible mistake and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to my wife.  Ok, ok, ok.  I know that’s pouring it on a little thick but that’s what I’d like.  I’m being honest.  No matter what he may have said to her in their conversation, when she texted him with all of her drivel he still chose to let her have that instead of slapping her down hard and thinking about me.  I want to know why in the hell she and her husband seemed to be divorcing right when we were buying a house in Whoreville, their target city.  I want to know why she was liking Tammy Faye’s post that talked about having a handsome son.  I want to know why in the hell that bitch was liking Tammy Faye’s post where she asked for prayers for Zack.  Those are some pretty damn big coincidences and I no longer believe in those.  I thought it was a quirky coincidence when she blocked me right after I had her picture up in our house.  Turned out it wasn’t a coincidence at all.  They were still having an affair and my husband told her about the pictures. And speaking of those pictures… I want to know exactly what was said about the pictures.  Did she ask if I was suspicious?  Did you tell her you thought maybe I suspected something?  How did that conversation go down because it’s pretty damn apparent to me now that she blocked me on purpose to let me know she was still messing around with you.  So what was said?  I’d love to know.

I could play this game all night and well, all year, really.  Hell, maybe the cunt is even more devious than I ever imagined and she knew full well that I had that other page and could use it to watch her.  Maybe she deliberately staged it so that when we bought our house she closed everything down so I would be suspicious.  Maybe she did the same for the other posts where the bitch shouldn’t have been liking anything having to do with them.  I think it’s rather elaborate but I wouldn’t completely put it past her either.

Oh well, I need to go.  I’ve got a lunch date with my husband tomorrow and I think I might eat a burrito before picking up Rock Star.  Tons of excitement here!

Present Day Sam Says: He probably was fooling around with the whore at this point. Little did I know when I said, “I sometimes wish that little bitch had gotten her way and he had left me for her,” that she was getting her way and he was planning his exit into her loving whore-y arms right then and there!

I find it interesting, too, that I decided drinking was the final nail in the coffin. I had already put up with so much but I wasn’t going to deal with an alcoholic as well. Would I have left if there was no infidelity but he continued with his drinking? I’d like to think I would have but I don’t know. This was April and I continued to spin straw into gold in my quest to keep this marriage alive. I think I might have stayed until the very end, although I was finally getting fed up with everything.

In the end it was good that he left. I don’t think I ever would have and he was killing all of us slowly. He’s still killing all of us; he’s just doing it a lot more quickly now!

No Forgiveness Necessary

April 2015

OK, let’s try to get this sucker done.  I’m hearing so much about forgiveness and realizing that things can change in an instant.  Life is too short. Hating people is toxic to you. Something about holding a grudge or seeking revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Blah, blah, blah.

As I’ve said before my grudges are more like: I wouldn’t piss on that person if he/she were on fire.  I don’t think about it on a daily basis.  I don’t plot ways to get revenge or to hurt them or irritate them.  I just quietly go about my life without them in it and choose to pretend they no longer exist. For the most part.  I mean, even with Harley I don’t spend time trying to come up with ways to humiliate her or hurt her in some way. I just know that if her car was on fire with her in it I’d pull up a chair and roast marshmallows while she burned to death.  Not pleasant, and not something to be proud of, but it is what it is.

So, this person I really respect was talking about this.  Her birth mother just died and she was talking about how glad she had found her and had had her in her life.  She wrote, and I quote, “Are you at odds with someone you love?  My heartfelt advice:  Knock it off!  Has it been way too long since you’ve seen someone you love?  Get it on the calendar.  Soon.”

This got me thinking because, as I said, I really respect this person.  I think sometimes this is easier said than done. I think sometimes you have to look out for YOU and if you know this other person (or other people) aren’t good for you then you need to stay away.  Now, I don’t know how things will end up with my in-laws.  I know that when they’re around I love them and I have a good time.  I know my mother-in-law is in the hospital again and her COPD will kill her one day.  I’ve been telling Zack she’ll be fine and she’ll outlive everyone, but after talking to them when they came out a few weeks ago it may not be much longer.  I’m not talking about a year or two.  I’m thinking more like 5-10 years, but certainly not the 20 or so years I figured she had.  So this gets me wondering if maybe I should just knock it off.  They are who they are.  She didn’t know about the naked pictures, although I’m not sure that makes much of a difference. She should have known that something serious enough to make Zack think I was going to leave him went on between the two of them.

I’m not going to lie.  It’s difficult knowing they still talk to her, knowing Harley checks up on her.  I find it beyond creepy that she is still in my life. I find it unsettling knowing that I can be texting my mother-in-law at the same time the whore is texting her. I just find it weird that she isn’t banished from our lives completely; she still has an in, so to speak. I don’t want that bitch to know anything about me, my kids, or even my husband. And that’s impossible when everyone is still FB friends with her. Honestly, I’m not even sure how much they tell other family members so who knows how much gets back to her. I DON’T want her knowing anything about me or my family.  It’s none of her business and she lost that privilege when she started sending my husband naked pictures and offering to let him fuck her up the ass.

Now, realistically, I know she doesn’t come around. I probably shouldn’t say that because I really wasn’t aware the bitch whore even contacted my MIL so who knows?  If she asked her if she needed anything and Tammy Faye said yes it very could end up with Harley running to Tammy Faye’s town to show her devotion to her wannabe future MIL. But, let’s just pretend that realistically she doesn’t come around.  She’s like a fly that keeps buzzing by your head, annoying you but unable to do any damage. She probably won’t show up for holiday dinners or baby showers or weddings.  But then again, and I know this is the crazy talking, maybe she knows from Jezebel or someone else that I won’t be at events so she doesn’t bother coming.  If she knew I was planning on being there perhaps she would show up.

Seriously- how can it not a bug a person that her husband’s mistress is buddy buddy with his mother, his stepfather, his aunt, his cousin, and his sister?!?!  And those are just the people closest to him and/or that he sees regularly when he’s there. That’s not taking into account all of the other relatives that have no clue what the two of them were up to.  I mean, really?  One of the things that I always read about is no contact.  It is imperative that all contact stops between the two cheaters.  OK, he is no longer in contact with her.  What about everyone else in his family?  Does no contact still count when his whore can have an inside view of our family?  She fucking prayed for him when he went into the hospital.  YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY!  Not a friend of MY family! DON’T PRAY FOR HIM, BITCH!  YOUR PRAYERS ARE WORTHLESS TO ME! I just sit amazed, with my mouth wide open while I shake my head.  How can any of them justify staying in contact with her? Oh that’s right.  Because she’s FAMILY! I can’t possibly be the only person who finds it difficult to pretend the other woman doesn’t exist even when she’s gushing over everyone in my husband’s family. Yes, let’s just act like she’s no longer around.  I’ll do my thing and she can do hers, and when we end up running into each other with my kids around and I lose my mind and start screaming about what a worthless whore she is… well, won’t that just be a story to share? Or maybe the plan is for me to pretend like she doesn’t exist and my in-laws keep us separated from here on out. I just delude myself into thinking she’s gone and no longer a part of my life while the bitch just continues to compile information about me and my family. There is still so much to think about when it comes to this.

Present Day Sam Says: We all know how this ends. They didn’t end their relationship with the whore because they were all preparing to welcome her back with open arms when he finally dumped me. I do have to wonder what they’re going to do when this bad romance ends with their beloved Harley cheating on their even more beloved Zack?  Tough call, tough call!

Folks, if you’re going to give reconciliation a chance you make this a deal breaker! Your cheater has to have no contact with the AP. Their family needs to have no contact with the AP. If they do, then your cheater needs to stay the hell away from all of those who refuse to cut the snake’s head off. It’s just not possible to heal or move forward when that snake is still nearby. That person always has a front row seat to your life. Put a stop to it. Immediately. Or get ready for another D-Day.

My Letter to Tammy Faye

Note:  This is a letter I wrote to Tammy Faye but never sent.  In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t because they had probably already started messing around again.

April 2015

Dear Tammy Faye,

You said you maintain contact with my husband’s whore because she’s family.  You also tried to reassure me that you didn’t think they had ever met up in person and actually had sex.  As I said to you, some days I wish they had simply met up and fucked each other’s brains out and that was the end of it.  It would hurt.  It would be disgusting.  But it would have been simply about sex, and nothing more.  Unfortunately, what I have to deal with is their emotional affair and those types of affairs can be even more dangerous.  This is how one website put it:  Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

I have heard it said that an emotional affair is just an affair that has yet to become physical.  I am sure that if they hadn’t been caught it would have only been a matter of time before they found a way to meet up and take it to the next level.  I have no doubt that if they hadn’t been caught that he would have continued flying out to see you every 2-3 months and eventually they would have met up and began a physical affair as well.

Even without sex there was a lot that went on between the two of them.  I don’t even know the full extent of it because he deleted all of his texts and FB messages between the two of them as soon as I found out. From talking to him this is what I do know:  I know they told each other they loved one another.  I know they talked about a future together.  I know she asked if he thought my kids would get along with her kids. I know she asked him if my kids would like her. I know when Zack was going to get his tattoo and he was going to bring her along that she was going to get a tattoo of a sparrow on her foot to represent their true love.  I know they talked all the way to work every single day.  I know he texted her on the weekends when he went to the coffee shop by himself.  I know they talked an awful lot about sex and did a lot of sexting.  I know that she cried when he ended it, and when I asked him if she really thought he would leave me for her he told me that yes, he really thought she did.  I also know that The Saint found out they were messing around again and when Zack asked what she was going to do about it she told him that she wasn’t going to do anything because she didn’t care if her husband knew or not.

You seemed shocked when I mentioned Harley sending naked pictures to Zack all summer long so I’m not sure how much Zack went into detail when he confessed to you what he had done.  My guess would be that he tried to make it seem as innocent as possible, maybe like it was just the two of them texting completely innocent stuff back and forth and maybe enjoying one another’s company too much.  But that’s not what happened.  If you’re going to continue to interact with her “because she’s family” then I think it’s only fair that I get to tell you everything that happened between them, at least as far as I can get out of Zack.  He hasn’t exactly been forthcoming on the details and his story changes quite often.  But so far, this is what I have.  And again, all of this (or at least most of it) is according to Zack.

In May of 2013, the day before Mother’s Day, he was sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack.  I asked him if he was ok and he said he wasn’t.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me he couldn’t tell me because I would hate him, so I told him to tell me what he had done.  At that point he “confessed” that he had been texting other women.  He didn’t say what they were texting to one another.  Again, no details.  But I did ask him who they were, to which he replied, “I don’t really know two of them; I know them from online.  I only know one of them.”  So I asked who the one was that he did know and that’s when he told me it was Harley.  “Harley Buttwipe?  Your cousin?” I asked him.  He said yes.  I was absolutely shell shocked and had no idea what to say or do.  I remember crying and him asking what he could do, promising he would end all contact.  I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he assured me that he didn’t.

At that point I had no idea what they were texting about.  I had my suspicions, but also knowing Zack it could have been something as simple as him confiding in her about his marriage and him feeling guilty.  And believe me, there were many times I tried to convince myself of that.  I had no idea who the other women were but I suspected they were people that played Words With Friends or Pop Song with him.

Turns out I was wrong.  I wouldn’t find out until October that there were no “women”.  It was one woman.  Harley.  The other two he mentioned were simply women who had posted to an internet forum.  They posted innocent questions about their problems and he, along with many other people, had replied to them.  But in order to make the situation with Harley sound less ominous he decided it would be better to make it sound like she was one of many women he was texting. I was wrong about this. He let me believe there had been no one else but Harley; however, I ended up finding one of his other sluts- Anne. There had been multiple women he was sexting. Also turns out that only a few days prior to confessing what he had been doing he was messaging his nephew on Facebook to see if he could bring a guest with him when he got his tattoo.  He was telling him he was going to marry her.  I know this for a fact because I copied and saved his messages to him.  He told him he couldn’t say much because he had to protect the young and innocent but that one day he (his nephew) would be related to her, this mystery guest. And finally, I would later find out that the only reason he “confessed” was because The Saint and Harley had gotten into a fight.  I’m assuming because he had found the text messages between the two of them.  The Saint sent me a FB message to tell me they were having an affair and told Harley about it when they fought.  Harley then turned around and told Zack what The Saint had done.  Zack got onto my computer and deleted the message from my email and my FB and then blocked The Saint so he couldn’t contact me, and then supposedly broke things off with her for a short time.

Backing things up a bit, he told me later in August when The Saint clued me in to the fact that Zack had been lying to me and cheating on me all summer long, that it had started in late April/early May.  He says that when she posted her profile picture, the one where he told her she looked fantastic, that they weren’t messing around then but that it was the beginning of it.  He says that he asked her how her life was and she told him it wasn’t that rosy.  When he inquired why she told him her marriage wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, that her husband had put her into bankruptcy several times.  He commiserated with her and shared his own unhappiness.  At some point she told him that she could envision a future with him.  Apparently, the fact that her knight in shining armor was married with two kids wasn’t a deterrent. He “confessed” to me on May 11th and had already been telling his nephew he was going to marry her by the 9th. Not only did I learn from those messages between the two of them (the nephew and Zack) that she was going to go with him to get his tattoo and she was going to get one as well, I got to see the picture of the tattoo she wanted.  As I said earlier, she wanted a sparrow on her foot to represent the true love that the two of them had found with one another.  No more than 2 weeks and she was planning on tattooing a permanent symbol of her love and devotion to him on her body.  That’s not something I would call nothing.

He would later admit in August that he had broken things off for about 2 weeks and then he reached out to her again, telling her he missed her.  And according to him she told him that she missed him, too, and she thought she would never hear from him again.

I was completely clueless.  I didn’t want to dwell on what had happened and I didn’t want to make it out to be a bigger deal than it was.  At that time I wasn’t even completely sure of what had happened.  I didn’t know if they had been sexting, if they were simply talking, if he was feeling guilty because he enjoyed talking to her or had been confiding in her about his marriage.  I had no clue. I certainly didn’t think she was sending him naked pictures or that he was in love with her, or that they had been talking about getting married.  Things seemed to get a little better, but then, of course, once he started up with her again they began to deteriorate.

Zack was going to go to Jezebel’s wedding by himself and I noticed that Harley would like things on his wall.  She was always posting inspirational quotes on her page.  Jezebel had posted a picture of Zack in his East Dull uniform and thanked him for his service over Memorial Day weekend and was bragging about how wonderful he was and Harley had liked that which I thought was very strange.  I couldn’t figure out why she would be liking anything having to do with my husband after he had dumped her.  Stupid me.  It turns out it was because they were once again madly in love and back together.

I remember him telling me shortly after he confessed to texting her in May that he wanted the Whoreville plant.  He said he could visit you more often.  I remember telling him that he could always stay in our former state and fly out to see you every few months but to stay away from Harley.  He never said a word.  As the day he was to fly out came closer I felt more and more anxious.  There was a knot in my stomach and I wondered if she was going to be at the wedding, if they would be there together. I kept envisioning the two them using the wedding as their debut as a couple, only no one would know the truth except Jezebel and Husband #3. Everyone else would just think it was two cousins catching up.  No one would question them dancing together, eating together, laughing together, even going off someplace together.  I told him I would miss him and to be good and he just kinda blew me off. He didn’t keep in close contact while he was gone; I got maybe one text a day. He texted Harley just as much, if not more, than me, and while I have no proof of this, I’m sure he sent her the same pictures of the wedding that he sent to me.  Afterall, she was supposed to be the one there with him.  I barely ate the entire time he was gone.  I had no appetite.  I cleaned the house and made sure everything was perfect when he came home.  And then I printed off copies of her profile picture from FB (the one where he thought she looked “fantastic”) and hung them in different parts of the house.

He came home and the very next day she blocked me on FB.  I definitely thought something was up at that point.  Realistically, the only way she would have known I was even looking on her FB page was if Zack told her.  And when I went to try to block her I found her husband’s name in my list of blocked contacts, which I also found to be strange.  Now, obviously I should have figured it out at that point but my mind was making up all kinds of scenarios in which they were no longer fooling around.  Maybe they had still been in contact but when he came home and saw the pictures he called it off and she got mad and blocked me.  Maybe he had called it off when he was there.  Maybe she was mad because he didn’t get together with her when he was back home for the wedding.  I tried to tell myself anything but the truth.  But here’s what I believe to be the truth now.  I think she was tired of waiting for Zack to leave me.  He was telling her he loved her and wanted to be with her, that they had a future together and our marriage was dead. But, according to him, he had also told her he would never leave his kids.  When he told her I had put her pictures up in the house I think she figured that was her chance to tell me about the two of them without actually telling me.  She knew that if she blocked me it was as good as waving a banner with the words:  I’m still screwing around with your husband, in front of my face.  I honestly believe she expected me to confront him and that either I would throw him out, or I would demand he choose between the two of us and she thought he would choose to leave me and go be with her, his true love, his soul mate. He may have told her that he would never leave his kids but I wouldn’t be surprised if she figured that if I left him it wouldn’t matter whether or not he was willing to leave his kids.  His kids would already be as good as gone if I left him and then he would have no reason to not be with her.

I told my friend J what had happened and she told me that it wasn’t good and urged me to set up my own bank account and transfer money into it.  Instead, I made an appointment with a marriage counselor.  It took me a week to work up my courage to tell him and once I did he refused to go, as I predicted.  We had a huge fight that night.  I confronted him and asked him why she had blocked me.  He played dumb and said that was between the two of us and he had no idea.  When asked if he was in contact with her he lied and said no.  When I asked if she had been at the wedding he said no.  When I asked if they had made plans to meet up he lied and said no.  I asked him what all they had talked about when they had texted and he refused to tell me, saying he didn’t want to get into that. I don’t remember everything that was said but I do remember going into the house, crying.  Later I talked to him in our room and told him I thought we could happier than before.  He told me it had been too long and it would just be weird to be happy with me now.  I remember telling him that he had told me he loved me and said he had always loved me only six weeks earlier, and then asked if he still loved me and that’s when he told me he didn’t know.  He told me he cared about me and that I was a good mother but he didn’t know if he loved me.  He also told me that he wanted things to go back to the way things had been, with me doing my thing and him doing his.  Well, I know I was pretty involved with PTA, Bunko, and the kids, but the only thing I can think he was involved with was Harley, so apparently I was going to keep doing PTA and Bunko and he was going to keep doing Harley.  And if I couldn’t do that then he didn’t know what he was going to do, tacitly threatening me with divorce.  I told him I wasn’t giving up on us and he just kinda shrugged.

I think it’s apparent why I believe Harley blocked me in hopes of egging on a confrontation.  I sincerely believe if I had confronted him and accused him of being involved with her and then made him choose, he would have chosen her at that point in time.

Interestingly enough, he would later tell me that that was the day he knew he still loved me.  He said it made him realize that I cared.  Interesting still because I have asked him if the problem was I didn’t get hysterical enough in May when he first confessed to being involved with Harley and he always says no.  Editor’s Note:  No, he was finally getting his fucking Ego Kibbles!

It also turns out that the weekend I was taking Rock Star to Regionals for gymnastics and he was telling me he loved me and always had (only six weeks prior to our confrontation), he was busy sexting with Harley.  Telling me he loved me and then turning around and telling her all he wanted to do to her. I also realized that during Teacher Appreciation Week when he was gushing over all that I do and how incredible I was he was involved with her.

So, after our ugly confrontation where my husband tells me he doesn’t know if he still loves me or not I set out to win him over and show him that our relationship can be better than ever.  I was incredibly stupid and did not realize he was still screwing around with his whore. I spent the entire summer in a hot garage listening to rap music with him.  We would fool around or even have sex and then he’d turn around a few hours later, walk out our front door, text Harley good morning and then he would call her and they would talk all the way to work. Every day he would tell her he loved her.  He never once said those words to me.  I went 3 1/2 months without ever hearing him tell me he loved me because he was too busy telling her that he loved her.

Despite the fact that he refused to say the words, and I wouldn’t say it because I didn’t want to pressure him, things did seem to be improving.  When he flew home in July while he was out east for a business trip I didn’t feel anxious.  When Jezebel posted that picture of her and Zack together I waited to see if Harley would like it.  When she never did I figured that she was finally out of our lives.  Oh, how stupid and naive I was.

Then came August 14th, the day of Rock Star’s birthday party and the day I read the message from The Saint, asking me if I had a good lawyer yet.

I called Zack on my way home from the store and told him I had received a message from Harley’s husband.  He asked me what he had said and I told him.  Then I asked him why I was receiving messages from him.  That’s when he finally admitted that they were still “talking”. I asked him why he would do such a thing when he knew how I felt.  His answer was that they really really liked each other and they had a lot in common.  I told him she was just a fantasy and asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids over to which he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  I asked him what they talked about and he asked me what I thought they talked about, to which I replied, “I think you talk about sex, and how much you love each other, and how much you want to be together.”  When he didn’t say anything I asked him if he wanted to tell me that I was wrong, and he told me I wasn’t wrong.  So right there he’s admitting they love each other and they’re planning a life together.  At that point the fact that they talk about all the sexual things they want to do to one another doesn’t really matter.  And it was pretty much at that point that I figured he was going to leave me for her.  I remember him telling me that I had known he hadn’t been happy in years and me replying that that wasn’t all my fault- I had begged him to go to counseling. I had begged him to do stuff with us. I had even suggested we start doing a date night since the kids were older and could stay at home by themselves for a while.  I also asked him if he thought having an affair was going to make things better for us. At one point I pointed out to him that he was going to have four step kids and asked him if he was ready for that and if he was willing to give up being a full time father to his own kids to raise hers.  Reminded him that those kids might not welcome him with open arms since he was responsible for breaking up their parents’ marriage. I told him several times to end it with her, to send her a text ending it and to show me that he had sent it.  He kept saying he didn’t know what I wanted him to do.  Finally I said, “I’ve told you 3 times.  End it!  Send her a text message ending it and then show it to me.  That’s what I want!”  I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know (so much for knowing he was in love with me since June!) Finally, towards the end I told him that he wasn’t the only one that deserved to be happy.  I deserved to be happy, too, and I deserved more than being with someone who was just killing time with me until he could divorce me once Picasso was out of high school or college.  So either send her the text message and show it to me as proof, or I’m done.  I can’t keep going like this.

I hung up the phone and called J.  She asked me if I thought he would do it (send the text and end the relationship).  I told her no, I didn’t.  I honestly thought I was headed towards divorce.  She told me that I needed to call my mom at this point and I needed to let her know what was going on.  As I told you back at the house I tried two or three times to get ahold of her but I never did.  I’m assuming it’s because she was busy making funeral arrangements for my stepdad.  An hour or so later he texted me that he didn’t want to lose any of us and then eventually he texted and said he would send her a text message ending it.

According to him he called her as soon as he got off the phone with me and told her The Saint had contacted me.  She asked him what they were going to do.  He told her he couldn’t do this anymore and that’s when she began to cry.  He waited a few seconds and then told her he could never leave me, said goodbye and hung up the phone.  She later sent him a text message telling him that they could not be.  It wasn’t right to break up two families.  She was dying because she had hurt her children so much and had hurt the man who had stood by her through thick and thin and kept the vows that she couldn’t.  She told him she was deactivating her FB account and begged him to never phone, text, or email her again.  She told him, “Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Make it work.”  That was the text message he sent me to prove that they had ended it, or more specifically, that he ended it.  His message to her was along the lines of:  At first I was mad at The Saint but what he said is true and what you say is true, too.  I’m going to go home and try to repair the damage and try to be the man I’m supposed to be, the father I’m supposed to be, the husband I’m supposed to be.  Don’t call or contact me either.  And this was also the text exchange I had asked him about and wondered why, if he had already ended it, she felt the need to send him that sort of text.  She didn’t need to tell him they couldn’t be if he had already ended it.  She didn’t need to tell him to leave her alone, practically begging him to not contact her, if he had already made it clear that it was over and he was done with her.  But he insists he had indeed ended it and he said he believed she sent this to save face, or to make it more real to herself.  When questioned why he played along with it instead of reminding her that he had already chosen his wife he said it was because he felt bad for hurting her.  Yes, the whore of 3 1/2 months who got involved with him knowing full well he was married with kids was owed more compassion than the wife of 18 1/2 years.  Instead of concentrating on the fact that he lied and humiliated me all summer long he was concentrating on the fact that she was hurting, supposedly because he had ended things with the woman who was not his wife.

There were many questions I had while I was back home with my family and I asked most of them, I believe.  But it’s hard to get a clear answer.  Or, was.  We don’t ever talk about it now.  He would say on one hand that they had talked about a future together and he thought she really believed he would leave me for her, and then on the other hand, when asked when he was planning on leaving me he would tell me he never planned on it.  I don’t know if he was going to have me killed or he was hoping I’d die of a heart attack or something, but when pressed he will swear he never had any plans to divorce me.  Then again, I’ve asked him if they talked on the phone much and he had said no.  Then he says they talked on the phone all the way to work every day.  Oh, well, I mean in comparison to how much we texted we didn’t talk on the phone a lot, he would explain.  Did you have plans to meet up with her any of the times you went home?  No.  Oh, except for the time she was going to go with me when I got my tattoo and she was going to tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize our true love.  Except for that time.  She worked all the time.  It was hard to get away.  He’ll tell me their plan was for him to move everyone closer together and then he turns around and says he didn’t want the Whoreville plant for her; he wanted it for him.  The fact that he started planting seeds to be sent to Whoreville only a week or so after he started screwing around with Harley is just an odd coincidence. Were you two declaring your love for one another by the time you went to Jezebel’s wedding.  No.  Oops, looks like he was already talking about marrying her in early May.

I didn’t find out about the messages between him and his nephew until October 23rd.  And as I told him, I couldn’t figure out why that threw me for such a loop when I knew they had talked about a future together, knew they had told each other they loved one another.  But I finally realized it was because he had spent so much time making me think it was nothing, no big deal, or that it was something small that just snowballed into something bigger, a gradual deepening of feelings. In fact, he had told me once when I asked when they first said they loved one another that he couldn’t remember because it didn’t happen all at once; it was a gradual thing. The reality, the TRUTH, was it was extremely serious from the first moment they decided to fool around.  It was never a situation where they talked dirty to one another and thought of it as nothing more than a little harmless flirting, or attention from someone other than their spouse who wasn’t giving them what they wanted or needed.  No, pretty much from the moment he told her she looked fantastic and she admitted to him that her marriage wasn’t doing so well they were setting a course that would end with them dumping their spouses and being together.  When asked who started it Zack has said it was him, that he’s the one that told her she looked fantastic and it took off from there.  But I have no idea who made the first move to make things sexual. I do know that she was the one who first said she could envision a future with him.  I don’t know if they talked about it (sexting) first or if one of them just shot off a naughty message to the other one and it went from there. In fairness, I also know that he was the one that asked her for pictures and she obliged.  What I also know is that there was never a moment where it was simply “fun” or a distraction.  It was always about them being soul mates, about them being in love, about them having a future together.  She was asking him how our kids would get along, for crying out loud!  Asking him if my kids would like her! That’s not a person who is thinking this is some harmless fling.  This is a person who has decided her life is with this other man, a man already married to someone else.

So perhaps you understand better now why it’s so difficult to watch as you and everyone else interacts with her as though she’s done nothing wrong.  She almost destroyed my marriage. I say she almost destroyed my marriage and not that the two of them did it together because I firmly believe that the gloves came off when she blocked me; I will always believe she took that step to coerce a confrontation between me and Zack because she thought either I’d toss him to the curb once I found out about them or he’d leave if pressured by me to make a choice. I also don’t think it was an accident that her husband found her phone TWICE.  One time I could chalk up to being careless.  But the second time?  You’ve either got to be stupid or want to get caught, and despite my dislike for her I don’t believe she’s stupid. I think that once again she was planning on having other people do her dirty work for her. If Zack wasn’t willing to leave his kids for her then maybe she could get me to leave him, thereby taking his kids, and his excuse for not being with her, away. Zack doesn’t think she knew The Saint had contacted me again but I’m not so sure.  I definitely don’t think she would have told Zack if she had found out.  The last time she did that it ended with him breaking it off, and Zack said the reason The Saint contacted me was because he wanted it to stop and Harley refused to end things with Zack. I guess he figured if I knew about it then maybe I could make it stop. I just look at what she said when Zack told her I knew:  What are we going to do? Not, what are you going to do, Zack?  It was what are WE going to do now?  Remember, her husband already knew and she had made it clear to Zack, and probably to The Saint as well, that she didn’t care if he knew.  She had no intentions of stopping. Her future, as far as she was concerned, was with my husband.  Now that I knew, her question wasn’t what Zack was going to do but what were the two of them together going to do. My guess is she was waiting for him to tell her he was going to file for divorce immediately so they could be together.  She was probably thinking they needed to figure out the logistics of who would move where.  Would she move to our state, or would he move back to his home state? I believe that if Zack had left me she would absolutely have left her husband and jumped in to take my place; I think that was her plan all along.  They may never have met up and had sex, or so Zack would like me to believe, but it was always a very serious relationship.  It was not two lonely people who were seeking comfort with each other.  It was two people who were absolutely convinced they were soul mates and meant to be.  He told Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  And her husband, from the very beginning, was treating this not like some random affair but an affair where they were planning on leaving their spouses to be with each other.  Both times he contacted me it wasn’t to tell me, “Hey, they’re fooling around!”  It was always, “Get a lawyer.” I asked Zack once why The Saint thought I’d need a lawyer and he said he didn’t know, but I think it’s because The Saint actually saw the text messages and saw how serious it was between the two of them.

It is difficult for me to completely put it out of my mind and concentrate on our future together because she’s always there.  He chose the one person that would never go away and that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.  I can’t completely concentrate on the future because I don’t feel like I have all the answers about the past.  I’m always waiting for someone to call me up or email me and tell me things I don’t know.  Waiting for someone who does know what all went on to slip up and say something he or she shouldn’t, and then once again, I’ll go through all of this again.  It makes me nauseous to see my daughter’s name right beside hers when they both like something you or Pastor Fake have posted on Facebook.  Back in the summer, before I knew how serious things were and when I was still so stupid I didn’t realize they were still carrying on, it would make me want to vomit when I saw both of our names beside something you or Pastor Fake had posted.  It was like, “Oh look, Zack’s whore and his wife both like the same thing.  Isn’t that cute?”  And that was before I knew they were still in contact and telling each other they loved one another!  It is difficult every time I see her commenting on your FB page, telling you and/or Pastor Fake how much she loves you and that you are two of her favorite people in the world. It’s difficult watching as everyone fawns all over her, telling her how pretty she is, especially when they also know she was fooling around with Zack all summer. And it was downright enraging to see her agree to pray for my husband while he was in the hospital. We don’t need her prayers and she needs to stay the hell away from my husband. She has a window into my life every day. Every time you mention something about Zack or my kids she is aware of it and what’s going on.  According to Zack she never told either of her sisters about the two of them, so any time you share family news with them I’m sure they’ll mention it to her in passing, never having a clue that they were an item not long ago.  It is difficult because I never know where she might turn up.  I didn’t go to Zack’s niece’s baby shower because I figured Harley had been invited and I didn’t want to chance running into her. I never know if she will turn up at a graduation, a birthday party, a holiday dinner. Quite honestly, there have been many times I figured everyone would just as soon Zack left me for her because everyone preferred her.  I figured everyone was cheering for her and letting her know how sorry they were that Zack had dumped her and gotten back together with me.  I have stayed away out of self preservation.

And I’ll admit one other thing to you.  It’s not just that every time she would post a new picture that either you or Pastor Fake or both of you would either like it or tell her how amazing she looked that upsets me.  It’s the fact that neither of you did that for me.  I may not have changed profile pictures every other week like she did when she was carrying on with my husband, but I did post pictures.  Some of me.  Some of me with the kids. Shoot, I posted a picture of my new haircut, which not only was a huge change for me, but was also the first new profile picture I’d posted in probably 2 years.  I got nothing.  Once, Pastor Fake asked if we had been in a mud bath.  And another time you told me that my hairstyle looked flattering on me.  Honestly?  That felt like one step up from, “Wow- you don’t look nearly as hideous as you usually do!”  That was probably not the way you meant it, but that’s the way it felt in light of all the “Beautiful!” “Gorgeous!”  “You’re so pretty!” comments that my husband’s mistress received from you.  I get asked if I’ve been in a mud bath and Harley is told how incredibly beautiful she is. Over and over again.  I figured after you had told her that in September that you were probably hoping Zack would dump me, his ugly, fat, hideous wife and marry Harley, the beautiful, thinner mistress.  Why would he want me?  And there came a time shortly after that where I took every single picture of myself down off of Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to look at me.  I felt ugly and inferior.

I’m getting off topic here.  My main purpose in writing this was to tell you what went on between the two of them.  You appeared very shocked to hear that it was anything other than some innocent (or maybe not so innocent) texting.  I don’t have complete knowledge of everything that went on but I do know enough to know it wasn’t innocent and it wasn’t just texting.

I want you to know that I do love you.  I’ve always loved you, pretty much from the moment you asked to talk to me on the phone that first time. And I would love for our relationship to go back to the way it was before, but I’m not sure how that’s possible.  I have been struggling with accepting the fact that everyone loves her and thinks she’s fantastic despite what she and Zack did, for almost 2 years now. Unfortunately, I don’t care how wonderful she might be.  I don’t care if she donates half of her salary to the poor, if she reads to illiterate children, saves the whales, and recycles. She will never be anything more to me than the person who sent my husband naked pictures all summer long, who told him she loved him and could envision a future with him, and who talked about all the things she’d like to do to him and all the things she’d like him to do to her.