My Fantasy Confrontation

October 2015

I sent Rock Star off to Homecoming today. She looked absolutely beautiful and she and her boyfriend seem very happy together.

I usually have a fairly optimistic attitude about this whole divorce thing but every now and then something will hit me and I’ll feel like crying.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as realizing I have wasted my life with my STBX.  Other times it’s seeing parents showing up together to support their kid and realizing that while he wasn’t around much, now I will never have that again.  Or just seeing her friend’s beautiful house and coming to terms with the fact that I thought I had a man who would love me forever and now I’m finding out that’s not true and I will probably lose my own beautiful house.

I was thinking today of what I would love to tell the whore and her dumb ass.  I don’t generally think about that because I know it’s not worth my time.  But today I got feisty.  So here goes:  Did you really believe that bit about him not leaving me last time because he couldn’t “liquidate his assets” quickly enough?  What on earth changed between last time and this time?  He had more time in fact the first time you two pathetic idiots hooked up.  It takes no time at all to open up a new account, or did he tell you that our former state only has one bank and if you already have an account there you can’t open up a separate one in your name only?  Did he not tell you it only takes 24 hours to “liquidate his assets”?  Yeah, and I would have no way of knowing he was doing so because it’s all done through work.  I have no access to it.  I do believe that’s what we normal people call “a lie”.  No, sweetie, he didn’t leave me last time because he loved me and he didn’t want you.  He apparently felt the need to feed you a line so you would get down on your knees and suck his dick despite the fact that he discarded you like the white trash you are.  We both know, though, that he doesn’t need to explain it.  You would have sucked his dick no matter what.  Here’s another fun fact, you twit.  It wouldn’t matter if he liquidated his assets or not.  They’re considered marital property.  Liquidate, don’t liquidate.  It’s all the same to me and I still get half. Do you know that he called you the biggest mistake of his life?  That he said he should have just bought a motorcycle?  I want you to know you can’t fill out my bra, much less my shoes.  You are a low-life, manipulative, deceitful piece of white trash, and a criminal to boot.  He’s with you because he feels superior to you.  He only gets along with people that he believes are beneath him.  I’ve seen too much.  I’ve seen his failures, his weaknesses.  He felt like he could never do right in my eyes because he was a cheater.  So he convinced himself that I hated him and that I was miserable with him and he went sniffing out his white trash cousin, someone he could control, someone he looked down upon. You were a preemptive strike- he figured he would leave me before I could leave him.  He doesn’t think you’ll ever be better than him.  You have a criminal record; you’ve been arrested at least three times.  You send naked pictures to your neighbor while you’re telling my husband how much you want to fuck him.  You’re a whore and a cheater.  No, he definitely does not have to worry about ever feeling inferior to you.  But he did feel inferior to me and he couldn’t take that any longer.  My little whore cousin is still pining away after me; I can go fuck her and then I won’t have to do any of the hard work.  I’ll never have to wonder why she puts up with me; I’ll never have to worry she’ll leave me. I’ve betrayed my wife terribly and I’m not sure she’ll ever completely forgive or trust me so I’ll just go back to my piece of trash ass.  You can have him.  I don’t want him anymore.  You can deal with him being catatonic after he realizes he’s going to be paying me around 70-75% of his paycheck, plus taking on a sizable amount of our marital debt.  You will be willing to suck his dick and let him fuck you up the ass even when he’s not lavishing you and your kids with gifts, won’t you?  You won’t mind when you’re back to working 80 hours a week so that you can help your “soul mate” pay his spousal support, will you?  You won’t mind telling your own kids they’re going to have go without because Mommy has to help Daddy Zack pay his support or otherwise he’ll go to jail?  You can’t fuck him if he’s in jail.  I would tell you I hope it all works out for you but I really don’t.

And you… You traded me in for your white trash cousin.  She’s a criminal.  She’s a liar.  She’s a cheater.  Wow- you really traded up.  I’m sure you won’t be worried at all about whether or not she’ll remain faithful, especially once you realize you aren’t going to be able to be her sugar daddy.  No, I get 70-75% of your paycheck because they base support on your annual income.  I hope you didn’t have any big huge plans for your bonus check because you’re going to need to that to live on.  I mean, feel free to spend it if you want to; God knows I can’t tell you what to do.  But just keep in mind that every penny you blow is one less penny you have to live on…

You’ve traded in your wife, the woman who followed you all around the country and raised your kids, for a lying, cheating, gold digging whore.  You’re with a woman who cheats; do you really think you’re the only affair she’s had?  Oh, honey…  I bet you think you’re “special”.   I guess it’s no biggie if she cheats though because she’s with a man who cheats.  And abandons his children.  But remember that.  If you were so distraught over the thought that I could never forgive you and that caused you to search out your cousin then I can only imagine how distraught you’ll be when you realize you can’t live up to all the promises you made to her.  You must really wonder if she’ll be sending naked pictures to her neighbor again or searching out some other sugar daddy when she realizes that life with you isn’t so “rosy” either.  You’re an idiot if you think she’s with you because she loves you.  The whore spends money like it’s water; she’s never been on a budget and neither has her daughter.  She’s been arrested for writing bad checks for crying out loud!  How bad does it have to be before they actually throw your ass in jail for that?  She sees dollar signs, you jackass.  Face reality.  You’re bald.  You’ve got bad teeth.  Your breath smells like shit, no seriously, literal shit, from all the cheap wine you’re drinking and the Kodiak you’re chewing. You tell the same stories over and over again and you even admitted that most of what you two talked about the first time around was family and the people you both know.  Catching up doesn’t take years; those “common interests” are going to get tired real quick!  And you just spent a week in a psych ward.  You’re depressed, anxiety-ridden and suffer from PTSD, if you weren’t lying about everything.  Regardless, your natural state is misery.  You’re only happy when you’re unhappy.  This honeymoon period will end.  When it does she will realize what she got herself into.  It will probably end right around the time you find out how much money you’re going to be paying me.  I hope she’s as understanding as I was when you were catatonic on the bed in our former state.  Her job might be a little more difficult though because in that situation you got bailed out by your company.  Unfortunately for you I don’t think they have a bailout program for piece of shit SOBs that leave their wives for their cousins after moving them across the damn country.  In other words, you’re on your own.  And if that doesn’t do it I’m sure realizing you’re stuck here in this town unless you can find a job that pays you as much as you earn *annually* at your current company will.  Oh, I really hope I am able to see the look on your face when you realize your plan to move closer to your whore is never going to be realized, and you’re every bit as much stuck and isolated out here in our current state as you were in our former state.

On a more serious note you might want to closely observe your whore’s behavior, especially as it relates to your children.  You supposedly love them so much.  You are supposedly so devastated over the fact that they won’t talk to you.  But your sweet little piece of ass posts all over social media to you and about you, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that she’s so sleepless because her married lover isn’t warming her bed.  Your daughter sees it and confronts you, obviously upset over it.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say you told her your daughter saw it.  I’m not quite sure you’re evolved enough to have actually told her to knock that shit off.  Nonetheless, do you know what your little bitch’s response to your daughter seeing her father’s mistress posting about missing him from her bed?  Oh, it wasn’t to actually stop doing that crap.  No, it was to block your daughter.  I think we’ve already determined that she’s a manipulative bitch and this is simply another example.  She has to know your daughter can’t stand her. So what does she do?  Does she send her a private message, actually apologizing for her crass behavior?  Telling her she realizes she was only thinking of herself and she’s sorry?  No!  She blocks her.  She throws gasoline right on that fire.  Now she’s thrown down that gauntlet.  Every time you choose to spend any time with your kids, you won’t be able to spend time with her.  And we both know you’ll choose a piece of ass over your kids each and every time.  If she really cared about you and cared about your kids she would own her behavior. But she doesn’t, so she doesn’t.  She’s like every other second wife/mistress out there, trying to eliminate the kids from the first relationship so that she and her kids can have everything. And you’re so stupid you fall for it. “Oh, they all love me!  They think I’m the most awesome thing ever!”  No they don’t.  They see you as a wallet, a chump.  Her kids talk shit about you behind your back and she’s spreading her ass wide so that you’ll buy her pretty sparkly things!  The absolute best part is how you turn all of your shitty behavior around and act like you’re a victim.  But you’re no better than your whore; in fact, I think you’re worse.  Afterall, they are your kids.  She has no obligation to them; you do.  First you basically call your daughter a liar when she confronts you, and then you try to blame me.  And when you find out that your dearly beloved really did post that drivel you don’t have big enough balls to apologize.  Instead you avert.  Let me cry on your shoulder so you can feel sorry for me! Oh boo hoo my kids won’t talk to me!  Oh poor me- my wife had a blog where she talked about her feelings after I cheated on her with my cousin.  I’m a victim.  I had to stick my dick in that whore.  It’s all your mom’s fault. She hated me!  Yes, that’s right.  She hated me so much she moved 2000 miles across the country, away from all of her friends, in order to support my desires.  She moved 6 hours away from my mistress instead of keeping a good 25 hours of distance between us all.  She hated me so much she uprooted you two kids from the only life you ever really knew and had you start all over here, in this town we moved to because I had the hots for my cousin 2 years ago and started putting a plan into motion to get closer to her.

Let’s get something straight right now.  I didn’t hate you.  I was very clear that not only did I want our marriage to continue but I also wanted us to be happy.  That’s why I spent an entire fucking summer in a hot garage listening to rap music with you.  It’s why I would text you and tell you I was going to the grocery store and then to Target and then to PetSmart and then and then and then.  It’s why I would send you naked pictures like you liked. It’s why I AGREED TO UPROOT ALL OF US FROM A PLACE WHERE THREE OUT OF FOUR OF US WERE HAPPY AND  MOVE ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY FOR YOU!  If I hated you and wanted nothing else than to make you miserable then I sure did a piss poor job of protecting myself.  I never asked you to sign a post nup, giving me everything if you cheated again.  I didn’t immediately get my ass back to school for a more marketable degree or start looking for a job so I’d have some financial independence. Oh, and once again, since this bears repeating over and over, I didn’t refuse to move across the country so you could have your dream job.  What did I do?  I moved 6 hours away from your cousin/mistress. I sold my house which we had lived in for 8 years to buy a house that cost over $100,000 more than the one we left.  I bought a new car. I bought all new furniture for the new house.  All of those purchases- I could have been saving that money for my future divorce. We put a $57,000 pool in the backyard- using savings, taking out a loan, and cashing in stock.  Yes, my brilliant idea was to liquidate all of our assets on a big hole in the backyard that we would never enjoy.  I decided to top that off with accruing another $20,000 in debt. Because I hated you and wanted to make you miserable and I figured this would get me the best possible divorce settlement ever.  Yep, let’s spend every dime and rack up the debt!

Back to your crazy cousin and her delightful way with your children.  You both might want to remember that all your daughter needs to do is borrow someone else’s phone or computer and she can still see everything. Hell, she doesn’t even need to borrow it; all she needs is their password and login.  Or she can simply create a new page and see things that way.  How about until you’re actually divorced your whore stops acting like you two are a legitimate couple?  That would probably be the prudent thing.  Because right now?  You’re just two dogs in heat. You’re two people fucking each other while you’re both married to other people.  Believe me, I don’t mind. I don’t mind you being an idiot when it comes to my kids, that is.  I don’t want to share my kids with you and you’re making it extremely easy for them to hate you and want absolutely nothing to do with you.  So thanks! But I do realize it’s far better for them to actually think you care about them so with that in mind I’ll give you a little piece of advice:  Stop acting like a victim and own your behavior.  You would get a hell of a lot further with both of them if you just ‘fessed up.  Hey, kids, I leave every weekend because my skank ass cousin lives in my home state and I have to go down there to fuck her every weekend.  Perhaps a bit too graphic.  Maybe you should go with:  Kids, I don’t have an excuse.  I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t care; I love her and I want to be with her.  All I care about is myself and my mistress and her kids.  As your aunt always tells me:  Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about anything else! I’m the only person who matters.  My happiness is the most important thing and if you really loved me you wouldn’t care that I’m upending your lives.  You would simply be happy for me since I’m finally happy, fucking another woman and cheating on your mom.  Now kids, you need to understand that you two will always come after her and her kids so get used to it.  If you want to have a relationship with me you’re going to have to accept her and her kids because we are a package deal.  I love you two but not as much as I love her.  I leave every weekend not because I’m not welcome like I told you before but because I want to be with her.  There is absolutely nothing that any of you could do that would make it worth it to me to stay with you over the weekend.  In fact, I’m trying to find a new job that is closer to her so I don’t have to drive so far to see her every weekend.  I’ve never been much of a father to either of you so I don’t think my absence will be felt all that much.  You’ll both be fine.  Your mom did it all before this so nothing much will change.  I just won’t be upstairs in my room ignoring you; I’ll be 6-8 hours away ignoring you.

The Final Days Before the Divorce

They are not going well. I just got another letter from my bank. This time the check was returned due to non sufficient funds. Grand total paid in child and spousal support this month? $1050. What was he supposed to pay? $3600. He is not even close.

Can I remind everyone again that according to his own affidavit he brings home $5800/month. According to the bank records produced the first time around (which would have been in the spring of 2016) the whore was bringing in $5000. $10,800 between the two of them and he can’t cover even half of his court ordered support. Oh, but he can afford to move into a new and bigger house. And I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find his bank records showing that they can afford to go out to eat, to pay for all kinds of things for her kids, to take trips…

Look, I have never claimed math is my strong suit but even I know that $10,800 is greater than $9700, which is what he brought home the last year we were together. I know that he’s no longer paying approximately $2500 in credit card payments, car payments, telephone bill for both kids and me, kids’ allowances, and a pool loan. According to my calculations that’s an increase of over $3500/month! So how is it that even though the two nitwits are living on more money than we had coming in and they’re paying out less in bills than we did, that he can’t afford to send his court ordered support?

In addition to that little bit of unwelcome news I was reviewing my lawyer’s worst case scenario. This must have completely slipped my mind because in a worst case scenario, if the judge goes strictly by what I make and what he makes, not what he was making, I will end up with a little over $2300/month in spousal and child support. It will go down to right around $2000 in seven months when Rock Star graduates from high school. And once Picasso graduates 3 years later I will be left with $1100 in spousal support. $1100 a month for wasting 20 years of my life with that asshole. $1100/month for uprooting my life and then later my kids’ lives whenever he wanted to take the next bigger, better job. $1100/month for raising our kids and putting my financial future in his hands.

My attorney seems to think we will prevail in our arguments and that the worst case scenario would actually be more like around $3000/month. It’s still a pittance compared to what I should be getting. It’s a slap in the face. Considering that even if I got the $3000/month he and the whore will be living on at least $7800 while the kids and I live on $4400, it’s just patently unfair. If he gets away with the unthinkable and only pays the $2000 we’ll live on $3400 while he and the whore live on $8800. That sucks even more!

I know I shouldn’t freak out before anything bad actually happens. I can’t help it. Every time I have felt hopeful I have been slapped back down to reality. Nothing in this damn divorce has gone my way. Cousinfucker and Harley seem to just skip blithely along, doing whatever they want, whenever they want to do it, and they suffer absolutely no consequences. So I’m doing my best to steel myself for a cheater heavy verdict.

I’ve got big plans for this upcoming weekend. I’d like to enjoy myself. I can’t do that if I walk into the courtroom expecting to win big and then end up leaving defeated, with that cousin fucking, child abandoning, cheating, lying sonofabitch winning and getting away with everything.

So, the countdown has begun and the worries and fears are following closely behind. I’m hoping the week goes by quickly and I am well prepared for court.

Finally, I broke a nail. Damn! Let’s just add that on to the list.

Three Days Before D-Day

August 2015

… I’ve been texting with Zack.  The funeral was supposed to be today at 1.  He tells me today that the funeral was changed to tomorrow at 3.  Am I wrong in thinking he is really expecting a lot from me?  I mean, he goes to his home state alone.  He’s a mere 60 minutes from Harley.  He never seems to have great service when he’s there so texts don’t get answered right away and there’s not a whole lot of communication anyway.  A fucking funeral gets moved to a completely different day and time and I’m expected to just go along with the flow and not question anything, not have any worries.

I think that’s what’s been bothering me.  Not only does he want to move on, focus on the future, not dwell on the past… but also I’m supposed to do the same.  I am not allowed to heal at my own pace without making him feel bad.  I see so many blogs where the men are apologizing months and months after D-Day.  They take their wife’s anger and understand they caused it.  They deal with their breakdowns and anxiety.  Zack has never wanted to face any of that.  He wants to pretend it never happened and that if we just focus on the future then none of that will happen.

It’s not my fault I get triggered by things.  It’s not my fault him being in his home state by himself causes me anxiety.  It’s about time he realizes that instead of expecting me to make the concessions.  I’m not the one that cheated!  I didn’t betray him and make plans to live my life with someone else.  I wasn’t telling some other man I loved him.  If he had ever done a smidgen of research on affair recovery he would have known triggers will always be present.  He would have known it generally takes between 18 and 24 months to fully recover.  Instead he wanted it over and done with pretty much after he confessed.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s the Prozac kicking in after a mere 3 or 4 days or what but I’ve been keeping the anxiety at bay.  I’ve got diarrhea like a crazy woman so maybe it’s manifesting itself that way.  Pleasant.  Can’t take the Visteral until after 8 because I have to pick up Rock Star…

I’ve been keeping track of the money I’m spending because for the life of me I can’t figure out why the hell we don’t have a ton of money left over each pay period!  Well, I know for the month of June it was because we were on vacation and eating out all the time.  And last pay period it was because we were in Florida and again, eating out and going shopping.  But even this pay period I wouldn’t have stayed within limits if not for the fact that we didn’t need to pay for trash, Am Ex, or the bank credit card.  Of course, I also went back to school shopping today because it is the tax free weekend and ended up spending almost $500.  Plus I had Rock Star’s cheerleading fees to pay plus a sweatshirt to buy.  The check to Mom for the water park came through and that was $90…  Picasso got assigned to be in band instead of getting art and home ec as his electives so he may not be signing up for cello lessons after all.  Who knows, maybe he’ll really enjoy band.  I’ve got fees to pay on the 14th but even for the 2 of them I don’t think it will even cost $100.  I do still need to buy food for the rest of the pay period…

Present Day Sam Says: A change in funeral plans? Come on, Sam! How dumb are you?

Okay, I will admit I was suspicious, but he was so convincing. He insisted that he was told the time was going to be Friday and he must have misunderstood.

Did anybody catch the Prozac reference? The man lies and says I was mentally abusive and manipulative and I ended up on fucking Prozac before this was all over and done with! I stopped taking it almost immediately when he tried to insinuate that “my depression was deepening”.

I wasn’t depressed, you asshole! You were driving me fucking crazy!

 

Approximately Four Days Before D-Day

August 2015

Well, he’s in his home state.  He told me yesterday he was going to his cousin’s funeral.  He left around 11 and got there around 6:30.  He texted me to let me know he had made it but I haven’t heard from him since.  Typical.  My anxiety when he goes to his home state by himself is always already amped up and he does nothing to alleviate it.  Checking in would be nice.  Letting me know what’s going on would be nice.

I haven’t been freaking out too much.  The pit in my stomach isn’t the boiling mass it was a few days ago.  Last night was nice with him.  And he was friendly and flirty with me today.  I asked him if he loved me and he said he did.  I guess he could lie if he wanted to but I’m hoping that he is telling me the truth.

I know that eventually, somehow, I’m going to have to bring up the other FB page and his feeling that I’m going to leave him.  Maybe he no longer cares.  Maybe that’s something he worried about in February but is completely over now.  I was reading some old texts that I had screen shot and he was so head over heels in love with me just a year ago.  Telling me how much he loved me and how I was his entire life.  I liked that.

Now I can’t get him to come out of the bedroom and he spends all of his time on his phone, answering emails and talking to Blockhead.  I wish someone that he confided in actually knew the entire story and could tell him he was acting crazy.  Instead they feed the delusions and then I come across looking crazy!

I did ask him if he was ever going to go anyplace with me.  He told me he had driven someplace once and I replied that he was planning on going to this funeral by himself and then visiting Blockhead and then going to his reunion.  All by himself.

I read something today that makes a lot of sense.  I know I’ve seen something similar before but for some reason it really hit home.  The woman was talking about how her husband could just forget all about his affair and she wished that she could do the same.  Someone replied to her that once the affair is discovered it is usually a relief to the cheater; they no longer have to keep their secret life hidden.  Everything is out in the open and they no longer need to lie to you or worry about being found out.  It’s over.  But for the betrayed it’s just the beginning.  Now they know and they have to deal with the fallout.

I think that’s what Zack doesn’t get.  Once he was found out he made a choice and could move on.  He could forget about her and move on.  I, on the other hand, had just discovered my husband’s betrayal.  I was rocked with doubt and insecurity and fear and everything else. I couldn’t just forget it and move on.

I deleted all her pictures off my phone today. It felt good. I also deleted all of her corny little inspirational sayings.

I have to be able to move at my own pace.  I’m sorry if Zack doesn’t like that.  I’m sorry if it makes him feel bad or like I’m going to leave.  I have indulged him plenty.  I never discuss her or their affair with him so let me just have my own thoughts that I work through.  It’s so stupid when you think about it.  Blockhead rushes in to tell Zack all about my FB page and everything that I was upset over back then I’ve worked through.  I could have worked through it on my own with my husband being none the wiser, but noooo!  Oh God no!  Blockhead knew better.

He rewarded himself with a bottle of bourbon for going to his psychiatrist appointment on Monday.  Then on Tuesday he decided he was done with therapy with his therapist.  He said he has no faith in it and he’s too much of a black and white thinker.  He’s going to rely on the drugs to help him.  They better help fast!  I’m at the point where I’m about to take his anti anxiety medication.

Present Day Sam Says: Sad, sad, sad. I’m dancing as fast as I can to placate him, to tell myself that everything was going to be okay and it was so far off track at that point there would be no recovering.

We’ll have to discuss the FB page at some point and I’ll end up apologizing for “hurting” him. He just needs to understand what I’m feeling and how much this affair hurt me. I’ll forgive EVERYONE for the shitty way they treated me if that means my marriage prevails. And meanwhile he’s down there fucking his cousin and not giving me a second thought.

It was a nice touch when he chose to “reward” himself with a bottle of bourbon. Was he setting the stage for his PTSD/alcoholism excuse once he left me and the kids in the dust?

In the end here we are. On the verge of divorce, him living with the whore that set this whole thing in motion more than four years ago. No good deed goes unpunished and the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, right?

 

It’s Really Me This Time

I don’t want to say too much about what’s going on with court because I’m very superstitious and I don’t want to jinx myself. I promise I’ll come clean with all the details once court is over.

I will share this much with you for right now. Mr. Bullshit is once again bullshitting. Surprise, surprise! He is claiming he owes the VA over $75,000. Upon closer examination of the document he submitted it appears that he only owes that amount if he ever wants to get a new mortgage through the VA.

Oh, I’m sure he does! I know he and the whore talked about their dream home and I’m sure he’s promised her a home to call her own. Or their own. Too bad, so sad. If I can’t buy a house he doesn’t get to buy a house. How do you like that, Cousinfucker?

I’ll also share this with you. We are trying to come to a settlement agreement, at least on the property. It’s looking like no matter what I am going to have to account for the $27,000 I transferred over so that Cousinfucker couldn’t continue funding the whore’s lifestyle. Not that it mattered because he just cut us all off and gave her even more.

No, it turns out even though I took that money so that we would have it to pay off the pool he watched being built while he fucked her… even though I took that money to protect my kids since I was a stay at home mom with few job prospects… even though I took that money and used it to buy groceries and pet food and household items…. he still is entitled to half of it.

I guess if you’re the bread winner you are free to financially rape your family when you decide to trade them in for a whore.

Basically, how it will work is that they add up all the money I owe him which would be the the money I transferred over, minus the $5000 I paid towards the pool, and put that up against the money he owes me. He and his lawyer also want to include my share of my car and the garage sale proceeds but I have since thrown an absolute fit about that so my attorney is going to run the numbers again with that excluded.

As expected they balked at the February separation date but using the September date makes him pay me the difference between what he actually paid me and what he would have owed me.

His lawyer’s plan was for him to take on all the marital debt and then I would have to pay him for half. I, of course, don’t like that idea because I know damn well he is not going to pay the full amount we owe. I’m basically paying the full amount and getting dinged on the 401k. So I told my attorney I would take one of the credit cards. At least I wouldn’t have to pay him another $3500 or so, and I’ll be free to make whatever deal I want with them.

If it all goes according to plan I will end up with about $45-$50,000 of the 401k while he retains more like $70,000.

My attorney did point out that by giving him more of the 401k then we could ask for him to have to liquidate enough to pay me my back support, which is now over $20,000. In other words, I would still end up with the majority of the 401k; it would just be that part of it would be a cash payout that he has to pay taxes on.

It’s not a done deal so I’m not celebrating, but my attorney seems to think that’s pretty close to what the judge would order anyway so why not take it? It shortens our time in court and then we only have to try the spousal support and legal fees.

So cross your fingers for me, send out positive vibes, say a prayer, do whatever good juju you believe in. I’m finally getting to the end. I’ve got 9 more days and then this long nightmare will be over.

Honestly, I’m looking forward to it being done. I can look to the future and not have to try to predict what’s going to end up happening.

Oh Sam, You Poor Deluded Idiot

July 2015

Things are a little better, I suppose.  I go up and sit with him while he’s home for lunch.  He’s going to his reunion with Blockhead.  Without me.  And he’s talking about going to visit him in a few weeks.  Again, without me.

He thinks he’s impotent.  I don’t know if I should feel grateful because then he’s not fooling around, or if that’s just an excuse and he needs an explanation for being repulsed by me. It was the excuse he needed to remain “faithful” to his whore.

We’ve messed around some and joked around some and that makes me feel better, but my gut just keeps screaming. Listen to that gut, Sam!

I did notice he left his phone on the arm of the chair when he went to go take his medicine so maybe he’s not as guarded about his phone as I believe.

I’m debating calling his mom and seeing if she knows anything.  Probably wouldn’t tell me if she did. Hell no she wouldn’t! She was pushing for this. She called Harley and urged her to call her precious son because he was so sad.

I’m just so sad.  I feel overwhelmed.  I was feeling good about coming back to BFE.  I was feeling good about me and Zack and our relationship.  I was pretty much done with anything having to do with infidelity.  I was done with her.  And now this.

I wonder if it would do any good to start at the very beginning and tell him I know that Blockhead told him about my Facebook page.  Tell him I read the emails between him and Jezebel.  Flat out ask him what the hell is going on now.  I’m exhausted anymore.  I’ve been back for 6 days and I’m exhausted.  And I’m nauseous most of the time and constantly looking for clues that things are going to be ok.

He skipped another therapy session.  Hadn’t wanted to go anyway and then said he would but at lunch said last time inventory took until 6 so maybe it would be best to cancel. But remember, I was dismissive of his worsening symptoms. That’s probably why he canceled.

And can I just say I’m getting a little irritated?  He can’t go to Florida with me.  He can’t even come and sit out on the damn enclosed porch.  He’s spent 3 months saying we need to get another door for our screened in porch and it hasn’t happened.  But he can drive 6 hours to see his mom.  Alone.  And he can drive probably 8 hours to go see Blockhead.  Alone.  And he can drive 6 hours to go to his reunion.  Again, alone.  He can’t do jack shit with me or with the kids, but he can get in a car and drive off alone and do whatever…. or whomever. He was fucking Harley. He drove to fuck his cousin. Period. And you were busy spackling like a good little wife.

Present Day Sam Says: I re-read these entries and it makes me so sad. And so mad. He played me for such a fool. I was an absolute idiot. I spackled and buried my head in the sand. I didn’t want to believe it. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that my husband of 20 years could move across the country, buy a new house, a new car, new furniture and put a pool that cost the equivalent of many people’s yearly salary in our backyard and then turn around and fuck a whore. Seriously- who does that?

As I said way back at the beginning of this blog, why the hell couldn’t he have given me the two years I needed to get past what he had done the first time?

Sam, you know the reason.

Yes, because that’s not who he is. It’s all about him. It’s all about being easy and convenient. He wasn’t willing to do the hard work. He wasn’t going to be inconvenienced. He was entitled. He didn’t like feeling bad. He didn’t like discussing his faults and his shortcomings. Let’s focus on the future. Forget about my affair. Focus on other things. Like what you can do to prevent me from cheating.

We never really stood a chance. I knew from experience that once he was done with something, once he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. You couldn’t sweeten the pot and make him change course. That’s why I was so surprised when he “chose” me the first time around. I honestly believed he would never end things with her and stay with me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was all a ruse. He would tell me what he needed to tell me and get his ducks all lined up. Then he could hone in for the kill.

I think we were doomed from the very minute he decided sexting with other women was a viable option. Because of who he is there would be no recovering from that. His mind was made up. I was old news. I was on my way out, no matter what. I think at some level I knew that. That’s why I always prefaced my comments with, “if”. It’s why I never fully rekindled relationships with the in-laws.

Why Would You Need To Sleep With Your Phone?

July 2015

He slept with his phone yesterday.  Said it was because the dogs kept knocking it down and he didn’t want to miss his mom’s call.  Then this morning I noticed the cord running to the chair where he always sits.  I thought it was in the chair with him but he’s actually putting it in his pocket.  He’s remote although he says the drive took a lot out of him and his boss was asking him a million questions yesterday.  I know he’s been talking to Blockhead because he told me this morning that they may go to their reunion.  I am either going to put my phone in his car on record or I’m buying a voice activated recorder to see if he’s talking to anyone on his way to work.  I know that won’t rule out everyone cheering him on to leave me but it might possibly eliminate my suspicions that he’s having another affair.  I wish I didn’t think like this but my gut is screaming at me that something is wrong.  He’s acting like he did back then.  And hell, his drive is only 10 minutes so maybe he wouldn’t even bother with calling and talking on such a short drive.

You wanna know the crazy part?  There are times I blame myself.  If I hadn’t used a public FB page as my own personal blog he wouldn’t be like this.  His other sister said he was so excited about this move, that it was a fresh start. I’m guessing that Blockhead stumbled across the page in December.  And everything has been downhill since. So I take that on as my own cross to bear.  I should have made everything private or friends only.  I could still have used it as my own personal blog but no one would have seen.  I could have made her pictures public and anything about her public and everything else private.  Despite the fact that he cheated and lied I’m the one feeling guilty and like if I had just done things differently then everything would be ok.  Sometimes I feel like it even extends to his family as well.  Not having a relationship with Jezebel causes him stress.  If I would just forget about all the things she’s done and how she helped to stab me in the back then everything would be ok.  And I know that’s faulty thinking.  He’s got to bear some responsibility in this.

At this point my mindset is this: He is not going to uproot his entire family and move us across the country so that he can leave me.  We will work through this because divorce is not an option.  Things are finally looking up in Whoreville and I really don’t need this shit. Maybe once my mom and everyone leaves on Thursday we’ll have a conversation about why he’s been acting so weird.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, honey, he was willing to uproot his entire family and move them across the country so that he could leave you. He was willing to put a brand new inground pool in your backyard to throw you off his scent. He was willing to lie and cheat. He’s an evil, rotten bastard and you would do well to remember that.

 

Ya Think?

July 2015

I think he may be cheating again.  He wasn’t very excited to see me.  Maybe I’m paranoid.  Maybe it was him needing to calm down after the drive.  But I swear he was texting someone and he was openly lying about it, telling me it was email or Words With Friends. And just for shits and grins I debated going through his phone only I can’t find it.  He’s sleeping in the recliner.  I looked on the window seat which is where he normally puts it but it’s not there.  I think he must have put it in his lap because I don’t see it in his hands.  Why on earth would he feel the need to keep his phone from me???

I can’t read him.  One minute he’s acting like he wants to get into my pants and then he pulls something like this.  If he is cheating again I swear to God I will nail him.  I’m finally getting to the point where I’m no longer thinking about his affair all the time and I may be right back in the thick of it.

Present Day Sam Says: Yep, he was definitely cheating. You could read him just fine, Sam; the problem is you didn’t want to face the truth.

Interesting tidbit: After the affair was revealed and everyone knew we were getting a divorce my nephew, who is slightly older than Picasso, said he knew something wasn’t right with Uncle CF. He told my mom that when he looked into his eyes he could just tell. He didn’t know what was up but he knew something was. His eyes were vacant, soulless, like a shark. He took to calling him the vile creature.

The $172 Tire Charged in Whore Town

July 2015

Why can’t I have a relaxing vacation?  No stress?  No freak outs?  We had donuts for breakfast and headed to the beach for a few hours.  Had lunch at one of Mom’s favorite restaurants.  I texted Zack this morning to see if he was already on the road.  Nope, the mechanics supposedly couldn’t get the machine working so he’s staying an extra day.  Then he’s heading onto his home state.  Sound familiar?  I’m going to go see my mom.  Of course you are!  So I suck that up and tell him I’m fine with it; she’s his mom and of course it’s all fine.  Next, because we’re going to go shopping I check our account balance.  First, he sent another $50 to his mom.  It’s not enough that he sent $500 2 days ago.  Nope, need to send another $50.  Oh, and I did ask him what emergency had befallen them this month.  They didn’t ask for it.  He just knows they’re struggling and he doesn’t think his niece and her boyfriend are going to make it and he seems like a good kid and she’s pregnant and what can he do?  He can’t watch his mom struggle. So, there goes another $50 and on top of that I see a charge for $172 at Walmart in fucking Whore Town, His Home State!  What.the.fuck? I flat out asked him, “What did you spend $172 on in Whore Town, Your Home State?”  He tells me it must be tires for his mom. “Are you in your home state already?”  He says no.  He gave her the credit card information because she said there was something wrong with the new van they got.  He doesn’t know why it showed as Whore Town because it was supposed to be in another town.  And he’ll get the rest replaced when he’s there on Saturday.  Excellent! So you’ve sent $550 in the last 2 fucking days and then you’re going to turn around and spend God only knows how much on 4 new tires.  And I’m sure he’ll buy other shit as well while he’s there.  If he’s not already there.  I find that to be way too convenient. For all I know Harley has left her husband and is encountering money problems and he spent the damn money on her.  And I hate feeling like that. Will I ever trust him when it comes to things like this?  A year ago he was adoring me.  I felt like he was truly gaga over me.  Now I’m not so sure and I sometimes wonder if I did it to myself with the FB page.  His other sister told me he was so excited about the move and felt it would be a fresh start.  Then Blockhead told him about the page and how I didn’t know if I could celebrate another anniversary, how tough our anniversary is for me, how I didn’t love the gift and all those other great things.  Then he went into a tailspin and things just haven’t been the same.  I am beginning to wonder if this is the beginning of the end.  I don’t want it to be but I’m not sure I can stop it either.

So, I retaliated with some revenge shopping.  Bought Picasso a couple of shirts and a pair of tennis shoes.  I bought myself a new Coach purse even though I just got a Kate Spade a few days ago.  Bought one for Rock Star, too, because every 15 year old girl needs a freaking Coach purse.  And wallet.  It’s a little strappy thing so she can use it as a stand alone purse, too.  Plus we both got some new clothes. Hey, if we can feed every fucking member of his family then I’ll buy whatever I want for myself and my kids.  If we can afford over $800 in the last few days to give his mom then the sky’s the limit!  And you know, it amazes me that no one ever says, “Zack, no!  You’ve got a family to feed.  You’ve already given us $500.  We’ll be fine. We can buy our own tires.”  No, once again it’s an unlimited ATM.  He could give them $500 every week and they’d still come back and want more.  As my mom pointed out:  Wasn’t it enough when they basically stole all his money while he was fighting over in Iraq?  Wasn’t it enough when he gave her a credit card in his name which almost cost us our house in OB?  Nope!  It’s never enough. I’m about at the point where I’m ready to suggest he just hand over his entire check to them.  Or maybe he could ask them for all their bills and we can cover them and then all the money coming into them they can use to splurge on.  I guess I’ll go back to Whoreville and get a job so I can afford to do things for my kids since all of our disposable income is going back to his home state.  Hey, how much a month is the whore coughing up for them?  Nothing?  Wow- shocker! By the time this weekend is finished we will have contributed $2000 in just under 2 months.  And he wants to pay their cell phone bill.  Hell, why not?  We’re made of money.

Maybe it’s a non-issue and he’s planning on leaving me.  Maybe he’s already in his home state fucking Harley.  I really don’t know.  That’s the worst part.  My instincts failed me so miserably 2 years ago and now I’m hyper vigilant.  Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Why?

Present Day Sam Says: Oh, Sam, sweetie. Why would anyone be at the Walmart in Whore Town?  Because he’s in his home state fucking the whore.  Your instincts weren’t failing you; you just didn’t want to believe.

 

Oh No He Didn’t! Oh, Yes He Did!

Gather round, folks. I’ve got some rather juicy gossip to share. Mr. Bullshit is at it again and in rare form. What else is new, right?

I’m going to start with the biggest news first. I don’t know if I mentioned this before or not but CF had two different 401k plans. My attorney had the larger one frozen when he stopped working and we filed for a show-cause hearing. The smaller one I thought was valued at around $5000 but it turns out it was actually valued at over $10,000. Great news, right?

Wrong. It seems the judge was not clear enough. When he froze the larger 401k the shit eating chimp apparently believed he still had carte blanche to dip into any other marital assets not specifically named. Which he did. He emptied the entire 401k. He had a payout of just over $8000.

The best part? He did this in January, approximately two weeks before our show-cause hearing where his lawyer fell upon her sword for her client who chose not to attend, and pleaded for his support to be modified because her client wasn’t working, had no money and was completely supported by his girlfriend.

I was working two jobs, getting up at 3:20 am, taking care of two kids, working 6 days a week, and running myself ragged while that selfish bastard had eight grand in his fucking bank account. No doubt he had to pay for some lavish vacation or some fun item the whore or her kids wanted.

In other news, as expected he is claiming that I have kept the kids away from him. I have “severely restricted” his access and he has the sadz because of this.

That lying sonofabitch! Why would you even tell a lie that can be so easily disproven? Here’s a follow up question. In order to keep them away from him wouldn’t he have actually have had to try to see them? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Rock Star hangs up on his mother after confronting her dad upon learning of the affair and impending divorce. She’s crying. Neither of them call or text her to check up on her. Six months living in the same house as them and he doesn’t have a conversation with either of them aside from letting his son know we drifted apart after having kids. Not one damn invitation to dinner, lunch, breakfast, a movie, a walk around the block. His daughter confronts him on his whore posting about missing him from her bed and when finally realizing the dumb bitch has done exactly that he doesn’t offer up apologies. Oh hell no! Instead he whines about how he feels like a piece of furniture in our house and no one will talk to him. He starves while we all eat! Asshole walks right by his daughter, out the door and off to work and then off to a brand new life in a brand new state. He drives 12 hours round trip every weekend for six months to go fuck a whore but he can’t be bothered to drive one weekend to see his kids in more than 18 months. They are out of sight, out of mind. He doesn’t call or visit and rarely texts. When he does it’s generally about himself. But by all means let’s blame the deteriorated relationship on me.

Even better was his claim that we separated in part, not due to his affair with his cousin, but because I was mentally abusive, manipulative, and dismissive of his worsening symptoms of PTSD. I don’t even know where to begin with that bullshit.

Yes, I do. Let’s start with the obvious. I am the one that tried for years to get him help. I begged him to see someone and to get medicated for his social anxiety. After a health care provider that we both really liked swore by EMDR therapy I found a therapist who specialized in that. In fact, I’m pretty sure we used the same therapist. If not the exact one then the same practice. He went twice and then quit. I sat in an empty ER room with him for hours while waiting for him to be admitted to a psych ward when he said he was feeling suicidal, a claim he now refutes. I visited every single day during visiting hours. My mother and brother both drove hundreds of miles to come be with him. When he refused to make his follow up appointment with a psychiatrist I was the one who assured him the doctor wouldn’t commit him again. I went with him to the appointment. I’m the one who found another EMDR therapist. He wouldn’t go at first. When he finally decided to get help I was the one who called and made the appointment. Again, I went with him to every appointment. When I was no longer there to accompany him (because the kids and I were out visiting friends and family- a trip I told him I would cancel and had specifically asked the therapist if I should cancel) he canceled the appointments. Eventually he decided to stop counseling altogether saying he preferred to just be medicated. Yep, that’s the cold hearted bitch I am.

And manipulative? Oh my God! I was the one who was manipulated!

“Oh, honey, btw, if you see some wire transfers pay no attention to them. I’ve been giving my mom money for groceries. And that $500 charge was so they could fix their van in order to sell it.”

“I was thinking of getting Mom and Pastor Fake cell phones for her birthday. They’ve got pay as you go phones and I want them to have something nice and dependable.”

“I don’t write a check to Mom because this app on my phone makes it so convenient to just wire the funds to her.” Uh-huh. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I would be able to see who the money was really going to if you wrote out a check.

“Why don’t you add your mom and stepdad onto my phone? I can put up to seven lines on it. I’ve got plenty.”  And then he replies that he gets a discount through work.

“I don’t know why there is a charge at Walmart in Whore Town. I gave my mom my card number so she could buy a tire for her van.”

Hell, we moved 2000 miles across the country, away from our lives, because he manipulated the situation from his first affair. He put those wheels in motion from the moment they began messing around.

Can I remind everyone again about the time he told me he was visiting Blockhead and my mom trailed him to the whore’s house? It was on that trip that he was trying to get me to send him naked pictures. Nice!

Oh, and surprise, surprise! He’s having problems driving once again! Wow! He could drive in the rain, on a train, in a box and with a fox when he was using our home as an extended stay hotel and going to fuck his whore cousin. I still remember texting him around 3, asking him if he was on his way home and he replied that he was going to wait until around 8 pm because he wanted to “challenge” himself.

My mom, of course, thinks he’s laying the groundwork for not being able to show up for court. Fine by me!

This next tidbit is nothing but pure gossip. He is reportedly living with his fiancé, Harley the whore, and her two children.

Two? I thought she had four? Apparently, she has lost two of them. I’m assuming one of them is living with The Saint. Her daughter just graduated so she may be off to college, out on her own, or, like her younger sibling, living with dad.

All I can say is I started off at the beginning of this affair and discard with two children. I still have them both.

Finally, he reportedly needs help with the aforementioned driving, dining out, visiting friends and family, and yard work. Oh, Harley, I guess you won’t need to worry your little whore head about bringing your big strong man a cool drink while he mows the lawn. Looks like you’re going to be the one mowing the yard. Hey, maybe he’ll bring you a Pepsi.

He also claims to be unable to go to entertainment or amusement facilities.

Wow- what a dreamboat! Do you all see what I am missing out on? I’ll be honest. I think probably a good 99% of what he’s claiming is total bullshit but imagine if you will that it’s all true. Harley really hit the jackpot, didn’t she? She got him and I’m stuck with a guy that wants to go kayaking with me, wants to take me to a professional baseball game, to concerts, to the beach, to wineries and to see his home state and visit all his favorite places there.

Oh, I almost forgot. His list of stressors include engaging in an affair, separation/divorce, financial problems, starting a new job, and an engagement.

Is it me or does it seem tacky to be engaged before you’re divorced?

And can I just point out that I was accused of spending every penny he had while we were married. He had nothing to show for all the money he made. Nothing, I say! Yet his bills were paid, his house wasn’t foreclosed on, and his children had everything they needed and most of what they wanted. Now he and the whore bring home $1000 more per month than he was bringing home individually. He’s no longer paying over $1000 in joint marital debt. So how in the hell are they struggling financially? How is that possible when I was the source of everything that was wrong in his life? I’m flummoxed! Hey, at least he’s got that eight grand from the 401k, plus the additional money he withdrew from the larger 401k, right?

Harley, you wanted him. Now you’ve got him- all of him and all of his problems- financial, mental, and physical. Live it up! Tell us again how you’re so happy and you are so blessed. Enjoy those trips and shopping sprees while you can because he’s almost out of funds.

It sure sounds like the bloom is off the rose. Now the question is will they even make it down the rose petal covered aisle? Or will they marry and then divorce? So many pools to start…